"He's an imbecile," Loki said, his hand to his forehead as though fending off a migraine as the end credits ran.
"He's deeply confused, yes, I'll admit that," Bruce said around a bite of pecan pie, "but he's not an idiot."
"He chewed gum off the railing of a subway entrance," Loki said, glaring at him.
"Well, it was a cultural problem," Pepper said. "He'd never been to New York before."
"Neither had I, and I didn't ingest pre-masticated bubble gum," Loki said.
"No, you just led a completely idiotic invasion that blew up in your face while wearing giant golden goat horns," Tony said, flicking a Cracker Jack at Loki, which inevitably disappeared before it reached him. "Fashion faux-pas aside, I say you beat chowing down on used Wrigley's."
"We have already exhausted that topic of conversation," Loki said, "and the horns are a traditional part of Asgardian dress. They are in no way any more ridiculous than American cowboy hats."
"Those are useful, keep the sun off, protective," Tony said, ticking their uses off on his finger. "Have you ever actually used those horns for anything other than looking stupid?"
"I once head-butted Thor off his stallion," Loki said. "Granted, we were both heavily drunk at the time, but still."
"Okay, I'd pay to see that, but that's an unusual circumstance," Tony said.
"Fine, then instead of your apparently beloved cowboy hat, would you care to explain the useful significance of women's trousers that lack functional pockets?" Loki said.
Pepper quietly slipped three more marshmallows into his hot chocolate while nodding enthusiastically.
"Okay, I'll give you those are dumb," Tony said, "but the horns are a lot flashier."
"In a conversation on what Loki did wrong, we're really discussing his fashion choices over the fact this guy mind controlled me and Selvig while trying to take over the world?" Clint said in disbelief.
"My brother's will was corrupted, so he is not culpable for his actions," Thor said, picking up an entire mincemeat pie and staring at it with mad lust. "What sort of pie is this?"
"Mincemeat," Pepper said. "The bakery down the block makes them."
"It smells like Valhalla," Thor said, then, not bothering with a fork, stuck his hand in and began shoveling it into his mouth.
"At least he didn't cover it in syrup first," Clint said.
"Also, those things in the film are not elves," Loki said as the sound of Thor's ecstatic smacking became even louder. "Norns, brother, control yourself! You're behaving as though you didn't just eat three hams on your own!"
Thor looked sheepish but continued eating enthusiastically, though slightly more quietly.
"Because you've met elves," Tony said sarcastically. "Right."
"They invaded London not long ago, so that isn't really too unlikely," Bruce pointed out.
"Those were Dark Elves," Loki said. "They are somewhat grotesque, tend toward radical violence, and are overly fond of black battle garb."
"So, they're you?" Tony said with an innocent grin.
Loki shot him a look of deepest loathing.
"My brother is right, but the Light Elves are far more fair. They would not be out of place at your North Pole," Thor said, then gingerly threw his empty pie pan on the floor. "Another?"
"You've really improved, Thor, but sorry, that was the last mincemeat pie," Pepper said. "We've got pumpkin, though."
"Ah, fine!" Thor said, then belched with the power of a volcano. "I shall try it with ice cream this time!"
"I'm wondering what Buddy's actual name was," Natasha said thoughtfully as she withdrew a candy cane she had been quietly sucking. It now had a dagger-sharp tip, and Bruce was looking at with an unnerved expression. "I assume his mother did name him, or at least the orphanage."
"I've seen this thing at least twenty times—my kids love it—and never once has that thought occurred to me," Clint said.
"I doubt he'd care all that much," Loki said. "He'd have no memory of it."
"Aren't you curious what your name was before Odin adopted you?" Tony asked, only for Pepper to shoot him a furious look. "What? I'm not the only one thinking it, am I?"
"I've never considered it, but I suppose I wasn't given one," Loki said, frowning. "After all, I was not so much adopted as a victim of attempted infanticide who accidentally lived."
"Okay, so, ignoring the unbelievably depressing thing that just came up thanks to a Will Ferrell movie and Tony being an insensitive dingbat," Bruce said, glaring at Tony, who had the good manners to look a tiny bit guilty, "am I the only one who thinks it's the wife who's a little odd?"
"You mean the way she has absolutely no problem with her husband's revelation that he has a grown son from a previous relationship?" Clint said. "Laura's great, but if that happened, whoo, I'd be sleeping in the barn for a while."
"Steve, you're weirdly quiet," Natasha said, pointing her lethal-looking candy cane at him. "What did you think of this one?"
"I kind of get Buddy, just in reverse," he finally said. "He was too big, I was too small, and both of us kept getting rejected for what we felt we were meant to do in life."
Bruce considered him for a moment before saying, "But did you like it?"
"He was kind of… annoying?" Steve said, almost apologetically, then hurried to add, "sweet guy, really sweet, but… if he were my neighbor, I'd eventually deck him."
Everyone in the room stared at him.
"I'm sorry!" he blurted.
"I'm not. I'd hold him down for you," Loki said, nodding approvingly.
"I enjoyed the elf man-child," Thor said. "He reminds me oddly of Volstag. They have equal boundless enthusiasm, except Volstag's is directed at food. And sometimes bloodlust."
"Do not invite that guy for movie night," Pepper murmured to Tony. "If he outeats Thor, I'm actually frightened."
"You've got a point," he said back before standing up and stretching. "Well, I liked it. The rich, emotionally and physical absent father gets to have a nice relationship with his kid, so it's obviously a ridiculous Christmas fantasy, but on the other hand, it seems to have annoyed both Loki and Steve, so it's got my approval."
Natasha gave half a grin and bit the end off her candy cane.
"I'm just amused Papa Elf didn't wake up at the end, turn to Suzanne Pleshette, and tell her what a weird dream he'd just had," she said, grinning.
"You are a very, very weird woman," Tony said. "Anybody else want fudge? Steve? Nat? Larry? Bruce?"
"Larry?" Clint asked.
"Larry," Tony said, pointing to Loki.
"Am I to infer you think this was my name at birth? Larry Laufeyson of Jotunheim?" Loki said, giving him a look that should have sent a mortal running.
"Sure, why not," Tony said. "You look like a Larry to me."
Thor quickly stepped between the two, breaking their eye contact, which was verging on the kind of posturing cobras do prior to attacking.
"Thank you for your hospitality, friend Tony, but I think perhaps we should leave. Next time, as a token of appreciation, we will bring the food."
"I am not returning," Loki said, shifting his gaze to Thor.
"Loki," Nat said, pronouncing the name very deliberately, and his eyes shifted immediately to her, "you're welcome here."
He folded his arms and remained silent, the image of barely contained fury.
"It just wouldn't be Christmas without bickering and pettiness," Bruce said, slamming the rest of his hot chocolate in a gulp. "I'm with Buddy. We need some Christmas cheer."
"Bruce, I swear to God, if you start 'singing loud for all to hear,' I may hurt you," Tony said.
Unexpectedly, it was Clint who broke into a very off-key rendition of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town," forgetting the words repeatedly. Everyone stared. Pepper tentatively joined in a few lines later, followed by Bruce and Steve, none of whom looked particularly jolly.
Natasha's eyes swiveled back and forth around the room as she quietly murmured, "I'm in hell, aren't I."
"Oh, no, Hel is far worse than this," Loki said, then squinted as Thor joined in with a particularly loud and utterly flat attempt at the lyrics that practically made Loki's teeth bleed. "It's close, though. Very close."
He exchanged looks with her and, oddly, Tony, who looked as repulsed by the display of holiday spirit as they did.
"I'm going to that bakery with the mincemeat pies," Loki quietly said out of the corner of his mouth. "Care to join me?"
"What the hell, why not?" Tony said as Natasha gave a succinct nod.
All three of them suddenly disappeared in a shower of green sparkles, leaving the rest of the party to continue caroling. Buddy would certainly have approved.