MA

by itsbiz

for

6. Chapter 6

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at /works/363931.

Rating:

Mature

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

F/M

Fandom:

Doctor Who RPF

Relationship:

Alex Kingston/Matt Smith

Character:

Alex Kingston, Matt Smith, Daisy Lowe, Arthur Darvill, Karen Gillan

Stats:

Published: 2012-03-17 Completed: 2012-04-08 Chapters: 8/8 Words:

33685

It's Still You

by mygalfriday (BrinneyFriday)

Summary

Matt marries Daisy after all. It's Just You alternate universe.

Notes

For those of you who like to wallow in angst. Written entirely by Friday, but blame Brinney for the plot bunny.

Don't look back at this crumbling fool

And every time she looks at you and every time she smiles, don't forget I love you more.

– Wings of the Dove

If he loved you with all the power of his soul for a whole lifetime, he couldn't love you as much as I do in a single day.

– Wuthering Heights

It's over.

Somehow, he'd made it through the whole ceremony without forgetting his lines or bolting for the door. The urge to run had been strong but where did he have to go? The only place he wants to be is in Alex's arms and he knows that's never going to happen now.

He's married. A husband to a woman he doesn't really love.

Daisy had looked beautiful and so very happy. When they danced – their very first dance as a married couple – Matt had told her how lovely she looked and she had smiled hugely up at him. He'd tried not to think of someone else's smile. Tried not to wish he were holding someone else in his arms. He would never hold her again.

The reception had lasted for hours and there was a continuous line of friends and family to congratulate them. Matt had downed champagne like water just to get through it. Arthur had shaken his hand before he left for the night, and the look on his face had been a strange mix of disappointment and understanding. For a long time after Arthur had left, Matt had tasted bile in the back of his throat.

Now, he and Daisy are in their lavish honeymoon suite in Paris. The flight had been endless to him, with Daisy holding his hand and resting her head on his shoulder. He had tried to return her affection but it felt forced, so he'd stopped trying. He just wants to be alone. He wants to curl up somewhere private and wonder what had happened to his life.

The moment he said his vows, Matt had known he'd made a mistake. Running nowhere would have been better than spending the rest of his life with someone he didn't care about. And now he's resigned himself and Daisy to a sham of a marriage. He wonders how long it will take her to

figure out his heart isn't in it, and it probably never has been.

At the moment, Daisy is in the loo preparing herself – whatever that means. Matt opens the doors to the balcony and steps outside, breathing in the night air and forcing himself to remain calm.

What has he done?

Tears sting his eyes as he looks out into the Parisian night and he thinks of Alex, wondering what she's doing now and if Salome is taking good care of her. He knows she is.

The door to the loo opens and Matt turns slowly to look. Daisy stands there in high heels and a barely there negligee, her hair piled high on her head. "What do you think?" She asks, beaming.

She looks beautiful but Matt wants to lean over the balcony and empty his stomach of wedding cake and champagne. Instead, he forces himself to smile and walk toward her. "You look very sexy, love."

Daisy wraps her arms around his waist and leans up for a kiss. She divests him of his clothes and pushes him down on the bed with a giggle. Matt closes his eyes and thinks of Alex because otherwise, he isn't going to be able to satisfy his bride tonight. He pictures Alex's hands on him, her lips against his throat and her soft whimpers in his ear. Matt makes love to his new wife that night while thinking of someone else and tears blur his vision the whole time.

With her eyes shut and her legs around his waist, Daisy is too lost in newly-wedded bliss to notice.

XxX

The popsicle log cabin is harder to put together than she thought it would be and Marie abandons them halfway through their endeavor to go home. By the time Alex and Salome finish their project, it's way past Salome's bedtime. Alex snaps a quick picture of the cabin on her phone and sends it to Salome's teacher in America before tucking her daughter in for the night.

The kitchen is a wreck – the counter sticky with glue and leftover popsicle sticks scattered everywhere. Alex is too tired and emotionally drained to bother cleaning it and instead, she heads straight to her bedroom and shuts the door behind her. She's been longing to be by herself all day. It's exhausting, pretending to be perfectly all right for such a long time.

Pulling her mobile out of her pocket, Alex leans against her bedroom door and scrolls through her messages. Karen had sent her a text with an attachment earlier and knowing she was at the wedding, Alex hadn't opened it. She couldn't afford to fall apart in front of Salome. Now, with Salome in bed and the door shut firmly behind her, Alex has no reason not to look.

With shaking hands, she selects the attachment and watches with trepidation as it loads. When it does, hot tears fill her eyes and Alex bites back a sob. It's a picture of Matt and Daisy at the reception, arms around each other on the dance floor. She can't see Matt's face but Daisy is beaming. Underneath the picture, Karen had texted, 'Aren't they adorable?'

Dropping her phone to the floor, Alex crosses the room and curls up on her bed without bothering to change first. She doesn't even have the strength to pull back the covers. Instead, she lies atop sheets and blankets, curled into a ball and sobbing into her mattress.

Oh god. It hurts.

He'd married her, just like Alex had wanted. Matt is someone's husband now and Alex had been the one to tell him to do it. A husband. It feels so strange, thinking of Matt in that capacity. He'll be happier with Daisy. She knows that. But knowing doesn't make the ache in her chest go away

– this wide and gaping hole that feels like it will never close again. She'll walk around for the rest of her life missing a large part of herself.

Squeezing her eyes shut, tears streaming down her face, Alex wonders if things might have been different if she had gone to the wedding, if she'd begged Matt not to get married. If she'd never pushed him away to begin with. But she had, and dwelling on what might have been will only hurt her in the end.

How is she supposed to face him at work on Monday? There is no way she'll be able to look him in the eye without showing him everything she's feeling. Matt has always been so good at seeing right through her. Whether he's married now or not, she still loves him desperately and the second she makes eye contact, he's going to know.

That night, alone and curled up in the middle of her too big bed, Alex cries herself to sleep.

XxX

On Monday morning, Alex opens her eyes to sunlight streaming into her bedroom window and she immediately wants to shut them again. It's been a long and miserable weekend and she hasn't once gone to bed without tears in her eyes or streaming down her face. She can't remember the last time she cried so much and she hates herself for it but she can't seem to stop.

Today, she has to go into work and face Matt. He's going to come onto the set with that honeymoon glow about him, looking blissfully wedded. He's going to be wearing a ring. Thankfully, he'll have to take it off to play the Doctor. Alex will just have to very carefully avoid looking at his hand until he does so. If she's really lucky, she'll only have to look him in the eye when they're filming, and maybe he'll mistake the love in her eyes for River's.

She's just beginning to talk herself into getting out of bed when the sound of the doorbell forces her up and stumbling sleepily into the hall. She hurries to answer the door before whoever is on the other side wakes Salome. Scrubbing a hand over her face, Alex pulls open the door to find Arthur standing on her doorstep, holding two coffee cups and smiling awkwardly.

"Hello," he says. "Thought we could carpool today."

Alex takes the coffee cup he offers her, wrapping her hands around its warmth. "What for?"

Arthur shrugs, looking away. "Dunno. Just thought it might be nice."

When he looks up at her again – a quick, nervous glance – she realizes with a sinking heart that he knows. He knows everything. Heart pounding a frantic rhythm against her ribcage, Alex swallows past the sudden lump in her throat and watches Arthur continue to avoid her eyes. "Who told you?" She asks, voice barely a whisper.

"No one," Arthur says quietly, finally looking at her again. "I just knew."

There is no judgment in his gaze – merely sympathy and the fondness for her she always sees. Face crumpling, Alex begins to cry and Arthur's arms are around her instantly, guiding her back inside and shutting the door behind them. He leads her to the sofa in her living room and sets their coffee cups on the table. Alex pulls away from him and attempts to gather herself, wiping hurriedly at her eyes. "I'm sorry," she says. "I just - "

"Don't," Arthur says, hand on her back. "Don't apologize to me."

Nodding, Alex bites her lip and stares at him with tears in her eyes. Someone else knows. It feels like a little bit of the burden has been lifted from around her shoulders. It has been exhausting, carrying her heartache around with her and trying to hide it from everyone. It feels good, in a painful sort of way, knowing that someone else knows she's hurting.

Arthur puts an arm around her, pulling her into his chest. She buries her face in his horrible jumper and clings to him, letting him comfort her. "I'm sorry, Alex. I didn't think he would really do it."

She shakes her head but doesn't lift her face from his jumper. "It's alright," she says, voice watery. "I told him to."

"What?" Arthur pulls her away forcibly and looks her in the eye. "Why would you do that?"

Alex glances down at her hands in her lap. "Because I could never have made him happy. Not for long."

Arthur doesn't say anything; he just pulls her back to him and holds her while she tries to get her emotions under control. He doesn't seem to be in a hurry, so Alex lets herself enjoy the embrace of a friend who knows what she's going through and isn't judging her for it. For a while, they sit together in silence, their coffee cooling on the table in front of them. Alex has made a wet patch on Arthur's jumper with her tears but he doesn't seem to mind. Sniffling, she lets out a quiet breath and says, "I still love him."

Arthur's lips brush against the top of her head and he sighs. "I know you do."

XxX

When Monday comes, Matt has never been so happy to get up at five in the morning in his life. His and Daisy's three-day long honeymoon had been emotionally exhausting. While Matt did everything he could to distract Daisy with shopping and sightseeing during the day, the nights were draining. Thinking of Alex had been the only way he got through it but it hurt, keeping her so close to the forefront of his mind. He should be trying to forget her and move on the best way he can but he clings to his memories of her because they're all he has left. All he'll ever have now.

Walking onto set that day, Matt feels a wave of relief wash over him. This place is more like home than his own house, especially now, and he's so grateful to be back again, among his family.

Speaking of which, Karen runs up to him the moment she spots him, skidding a little in her fuzzy slippers as she bounds up to him with a smile on her face. "Hey!" She says, throwing her arms around him. He catches her easily and wraps her in his arms, smiling. "How was Paris? Romantic?"

Over her shoulder, he sees Alex standing with Arthur and even in a shadowy corner with a robe thrown over her outfit and her hair pulled back she looks lovely. "Beautiful," he answers Karen, unable to take his eyes off the curly-haired woman across the room. It almost brings tears to his eyes, seeing her now. She's all he thought about all weekend and he just wants to run to her.

When Karen pulls away to take his hand, Matt remembers once again why he can't – the ring on his finger. It feels more like a shackle, his very own self-imposed exile.

Arthur turns to look in his direction, though Alex has yet to take her eyes off the floor. He nods toward Matt but doesn't move to greet him, shuffling slightly closer to Alex and blocking her from Matt's view.

"Come on," Karen begins to tug him in the direction of their friends. "Alex missed your wedding. I'm sure she'll want to congratulate you."

Matt very much doubts it. Alex could deny loving him all she wanted but he knows differently. He knows deep down that Alex had been just as in love with him as he still is with her. But what could he do? Wait around his whole life until she was ready to admit it?

Arthur looks up as they approach and Matt can't help but notice how close he stands to Alex, who still hasn't looked up. Does she know that Arthur knows about them? He wonders if Arthur told her.

"Look who's here," Karen says, shoving Matt forward playfully.

"Hey mate," Arthur nods toward him again and Matt reaches out to clap him on the back. "Good trip?"

Eyes on Alex now, Matt nods but says nothing.

For a moment, they stand in stilted, awkward silence. When they're together like this, there usually isn't a quiet moment to be found and now it's like they don't know what to say to one another. Matt catches Karen looking between the three of them in confusion, as if she can't understand the subtle shift in the atmosphere.

Even so, Matt can't pull his eyes away from Alex. He tries to, but his gaze keeps wandering back to her without his permission. He just wants to drink her in - it feels like an eternity since he saw her last. He wonders if the longing he feels is palpable or if he just feels it too strongly. He wants things to be the way they were before, when he could just sneak off to his trailer with Alex and press heated kisses into her skin but those days are in the past. He just can't seem to let go.

Finally, Alex looks up and Matt's breath catches in his throat at the sight of her. She's beautiful, just like she always is but she looks tired. Totally shattered. He can see the exhaustion around her eyes. Right then, he wants nothing more than to take her in his arms and take care of her but he knows he can't. It isn't his job anymore. Maybe it never was.

And there. He almost stops breathing because just beneath the exhaustion, Matt can see the same longing in his eyes reflected back at him in hers. He feels his heart leap into his throat.

She still loves him.

He wants to drop to his knees in gratitude because he doesn't think he could have gone on if she hated him now. The only time his life makes sense is when Alex looks at him like that. He wonders if she knows a simple ceremony hasn't stopped him loving her either. He'll never stop, and no marriage certificate will ever change that.

She meets his eyes for only a second before her gaze drifts somewhere around his collar, like she can't bring herself to look directly at him for long. "Congratulations," she says and Matt can hear the false note of cheer in her voice, even if no one else does. It makes his chest ache. "I heard it was beautiful."

Matt nods because if he spoke he thinks his voice might crack.

"And Paris?" Alex asks. "How was it?"

Matt can only marvel at her strength. He's the only one who knows her well enough to know she's just barely managing to keep the note of tears out of her voice. "It was good," he says, and if his own voice wavers, no one mentions it. He can feel Arthur's eyes boring into the side of his head, though. "Lovely."

Alex nods and glances away, biting her lip.

Matt wishes he could tell her it had been her he made love to in Paris. It had been her in that honeymoon suite every night. Her perfume he smelled, her hair he touched, her lips he kissed and her image in his mind's eye. But he won't say any of those things and instead, they stand in a circle with their friends and avoid eye contact because if they look at one another, it might not be so easy to hide.

After a while, Karen is called to shoot a scene and without the need to cover the awkwardness in front of her, Arthur leads Alex away without a word. Matt watches them go and it feels like every step Alex takes away from him, it tears the hole his chest further until he thinks he'll be turned inside out by the vacuous, gaping fissure.

As they disappear out of sight, Matt takes in a deep breath and isn't surprised when it burns. Daisy may have his name now but his heart will never belong to her. Whatever is left of it – ravaged and broken though it may be – is in Alex's small hands.

XxX

After two months of marriage, the arguing begins. Frankly, Matt thinks the only reason they lasted so long without fighting is because he had been so complacent about everything. He just didn't care. Daisy could go out and buy thousands of pounds worth of clothes and shoes every day and he wouldn't have said a word because nothing bothered him anymore. He'd already lost the love of his life; there isn't much left to ruffle his feathers.

It isn't until one evening, three days after their two-month anniversary, that things begin to change. When Matt comes home from work, he's already grumpy and not in the mood to deal with Daisy

– he'd kissed Alex today. As the Doctor, of course but it had still left him reeling.

He'd been dreading it all day and he knew Alex had to be as well. He wanted more than anything to kiss her again but not as the Doctor. It's torture, playing a man who's in love with her while he tries all day to pretend that he isn't. When the time came and the Doctor pulled River into him to kiss her goodbye for now, Alex had looked up at him with real tears shining in her eyes. Heart pounding and blood rushing in his ears, he'd brushed his thumb across her cheek and leaned in, pressing his lips to hers. Alex had gasped beneath him, hands stiff and unmoving on his shoulders even as she opened her mouth to let him in.

Matt can't remember if the script had called for it but he hadn't been able to stop himself from wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her closer. Having her in his arms again felt like nothing else on earth. Like home. If this was all he had left of her, then he'd take it. Alex had whimpered into his mouth and he'd known he was hurting her, opening up still healing wounds

and making them bleed anew.

When the director called for a break, he'd gripped Alex's wrist to keep her from immediately running off, and whispered, "I'm sorry."

Looking away from him, Alex had pulled her hand from his grip and wiped at her eyes. "So am I."

She'd walked away without glancing back.

Now, emotionally drained and lips still tingling from the touch of hers even hours later, Matt wants nothing more than to fall into bed and be oblivious for a long time. Instead, Daisy meets him at the door with an enthusiastic kiss that he doesn't have the energy to return.

Pulling away, she takes one look at his face and then pats his cheek affectionately. "Tired, baby?"

He nods wordlessly and shuffles past her into the house.

"I got takeout," Daisy says, following behind him. "Yours is keeping warm in the microwave."

Matt gets out a plate and retrieves his dinner, sitting down at the kitchen table with a heavy sigh. Daisy sits across from him, propping her chin up in her hand and watching him like he's the most fascinating thing she's seen all day. Matt bristles a little under her gaze but says nothing.

"So I've been thinking," she says. "Wouldn't it be brilliant to have our friends over for a dinner party this weekend? You know, our first as a married couple? We could make it a monthly thing."

"Friends?" Matt asks and he wonders if he sounds as disinterested as he feels.

"Uh huh." Daisy nods. "Y'know, like, Scott and Jill, Preston and Natasha. And maybe Karen and her boyfriend. Arthur…even Alex, if you want." She says Alex's name with a touch of distaste and it makes Matt clench his fist under the table.

Isn't that just exactly what Alex needs? To come here to the place he now shares with his wife and watch them give a dinner party like they're from a bloody 1950's American sitcom? Yes, I know I claimed to be in love with you but look at the dinnerware, Alex! He can picture it now, Daisy hanging all over him while Alex tries not to watch from across the table. He won't subject either of them to that kind of torture. He's hurt her enough.

"No," he says, scooping some rice onto his fork. "I don't think so."

Daisy frowns. "Why not?"

Instead of taking a bite of his rice, he begins to push it around his plate in irritation. "Why the hell would I invite someone I know you can't stand? So she can sit here and feel awkward while you pretend to like her? Alex isn't stupid Daisy, she's well aware of your feelings toward her."

Mouth agape, Daisy stares at him. "What are you talking about? I like Alex!"

Matt scoffs. "You're a crap liar, Daze. Don't bother."

"What the hell is your problem?"

Looking up from his untouched food, Matt fixes his glare on her and Daisy leans back in her chair at the sight of it. "My problem is that you want to hold a dinner party for the people you like and then grudgingly invite my friends along just to appease me. My friends don't need your pity. Or your damn dinner party."

Shoving his plate away, Matt rises from the table and slams his chair back into place. It rattles the whole table and nearly sends his plate crashing into the floor. Daisy jumps at the sound but Matt doesn't turn to look, stalking from the kitchen and down the hall to their bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

Daisy sleeps on the sofa that night and in the morning, Matt apologizes and brings her flowers. She accepts but things are never the same again after that.

They start to row all the time. About everything. Sometimes it's over finances and how much Daisy spends when she shops, or over stupid things like the laundry or not cleaning the kitchen. If Matt stays out too late, Daisy won't speak to him for days. If he doesn't call when he's supposed to, she yells at him for hours. Sometimes it feels like that's all they do, like a vicious cycle.

Scream, cry, throw things, slam doors. Repeat.

Eventually, Matt does the only thing he can think of. He spends more time on set than he does at home. Even if he's not filming, he still sticks around to watch his friends do their scenes, help out the costume department (he usually just ends up trying things on in the wardrobe), and hanging out with the Alien of the Week, watching with fascination as their masks and makeup are applied. He'll use any excuse to stay out of the house and away from his wife.

It's been four months and already his marriage is falling apart.

Occasionally, someone - usually Steven – will tell him to go home but Matt always ignores him. Sometimes, he calls and tells Daisy they ended up filming later than he thought they would and he would be sleeping in his trailer that night.

He's been lying to her for so long that the deception comes easily now.

While he's busy hiding from his life, Matt begins to notice things. It's difficult not to notice when he spends all of his spare time on set. He notices that Tim the sound guy seems to be there just as much as he does and Matt wonders if he might like to go for a pint and talk about their miserable married lives together. He also notices that Jillian from the makeup department usually ends up pilfering a few shirts from the costume department once a week and Matt would have said something but she always brings them back. She must be wearing them on the weekend when she goes out with her boyfriend. Matt thinks she probably doesn't have much money, being a girl who puts on Karen Gillan's mascara for a living.

However, what interests Matt the most is how much time Arthur and Alex seem to be spending together now. It's nearly a task of monumental proportions to find them anywhere on set separately unless they're filming a scene. They've become best mates, it seems. Matt tries not to feel jealous when he sees Arthur take Alex's hand or when Alex leans into Arthur when they're filming out in the cold, her cheeks flushed and her smile warm. It doesn't work and he usually ends up clenching his fists at his sides and looking away with a tight jaw.

He doesn't say anything though, and for a few weeks, they continue in this same fashion. Matt watches them grow closer and pretends he doesn't see it, goofing around with Kaz as usual and acting like everything within his once tight circle of friends hasn't completely fallen apart. He knows the sudden distance between them all confuses Karen and he wishes he could tell her why things are the way they are but he can't. The less people who know about him and Alex, the better. He doesn't want Karen to know what a wanker he's been. She's the only one who doesn't either avoid his gaze completely or look at him like he's made the biggest mistake of his life.

One day, during a small break while Steven consults with the director about a shot needed for the episode, Matt steps outside to get some air. Being in the same room with Alex for too long still makes him tense and weak with desire. He wonders if it will ever get easier, being without her but still being near her.

Leaning on the railing outside the studio and breathing in the cool morning air, Matt closes his eyes and tries not to think about how lonely and singular his life has become. Isn't getting married supposed to make everything better?

Maybe, says the small voice in his head, if you marry the right person.

The back door to the studio opens with a creak and Matt turns to see Arthur in the doorway, looking at him uncomfortably. "Hey," he says, and Matt knows that if he'd been aware of his presence out here, Arthur would never have opened that door.

They don't talk much anymore, him and Arthur.

"Hey," Matt says, turning to look back out over the parking lot.

After a moment, Arthur walks over to stand next to him, hands on the railing and eyes ahead of him. "So…how are things?"

Despite himself, Matt feels the corner of his mouth lift in amusement. Arthur has always been rubbish at small talk. "Fucking terrific," he sighs, watching his breath cloud in the morning air. Arthur huffs out a laugh and they stand there for a while longer in silence. Matt knows he shouldn't say anything. He knows he shouldn't. But the jealousy has been mounting for weeks like a ferocious monster in his chest and now that he's alone with Arthur, he can't keep the words from spilling out of his mouth. "So I didn't take you for the older woman type."

Arthur turns to look at him sharply. "What?"

"You know, whatever you have going on with Alex," Matt says stiffly. "Didn't take you for the type. Especially since you know she was mine first."

Arthur looks like he might punch him and Matt wouldn't blame him in the slightest. He welcomes it, closing his eyes and waiting for the blow he knows is coming because he deserves it and maybe the pain in his jaw will distract him from the way he hurts everywhere else. But Arthur doesn't

punch him. Instead, he uses his words and it's almost the same thing.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" He asks, voice harsher than Matt has ever heard it. "You have no right. Not anymore."

Matt says nothing, opening his eyes to stare at his friend warily.

Gaze furious, Arthur says, "She's a friend, Matt. A friend. God knows she needs one right now after what she's been through with you. Do you have any idea - " Arthur stops, wiping a hand over his mouth and looking frustrated. "When you married Daisy, I held her while she sobbed her heart out because she loves a married man and I've been there every day since when she falls apart after being on set with you all day so don't you dare try and sully what small comfort she gets from me."

Tears blur Matt's vision and he reaches out to grasp the railing and steady himself. His Alex. He doesn't want her hurting like that. Not ever. He wonders if she knows he's hurting too, that he lies awake at night and begs whoever is listening that he'll wake up completely over her.

"You made your choice," Arthur says, suddenly quiet but just as intense as before. "Bloody well live with it."

For a long time, they continue to stand there at the railing, not looking at each other. Matt wants to say something but he doesn't trust his voice. After several minutes, he finally speaks and the words come out hoarse. "You're right. I'm sorry, mate. I know you're not…that you'd never…" He clears his throat. "I'm sorry."

Arthur shrugs, calmer now. "Whatever. I just think it's best that we don't talk about her. If we're going to stay friends, I mean. Seems safer."

"Right." Matt nods despite the pang he feels at having his one last connection to Alex severed. "Okay. No talking about Alex. Just…" He swallows around the lump in his throat. "You'll take care of her?"

"Alex doesn't need anyone to take care of her." Then, taking one look at his destroyed expression, Arthur nods grimly. "I'm going to be the best friend she's ever had."

Matt flexes his fingers against the railing and lets out a shaky sigh. "Thank you."

XxX

Over the four months since Matt's wedding, Arthur has become an invaluable confidant for Alex. He's one of her closest friends now and she'll never be able to repay him for his friendship or make him understand what it means to her. He had been there when no one else was and picked up the pieces of her life when she was too weak to gather them up herself.

In return, Alex tries to be the best friend to him that she can, though she knows nothing she does will ever be enough. At the moment, she's treating him to lunch at his favorite little-known café just outside of London. They're ensconced in a far corner of the small place, nursing mint cappuccinos and mocking the tiny sandwiches. It's been a lovely afternoon but Alex can tell something is bothering Arthur. He's been unusually quiet.

"Alright," she says after cracking a joke about their snooty teenage waiter and getting no response. "Are you going to tell me what's bothering you now or am I going to have to pester you for hours first?"

Arthur doesn't answer, frowning into his cappuccino.

"Dad," Alex sing-songs playfully. "Daddy Pooond."

Arthur glances up at her with a tired smile. "It's not important. I promise I'll stop thinking about it if we can just move on. No more brooding, I swear."

"Not good enough," Alex says, nudging his leg under the table. "We always talk about my problems. I want to hear about yours."

When Arthur says nothing and looks very interested in the pattern of their tablecloth, Alex knows.

"Ah," she breathes quietly, glancing away. "It's my problem you're brooding about, isn't it?"

Arthur lets out a frustrated huff of air and pushes his drink away. "I talked to Matt yesterday. About you."

Looking up sharply, Alex watches him with narrowed eyes. "What for?"

Arthur swallows and she can read in his eyes that he's mentally editing whatever conversation he had with Matt before he relays it to her. She wants to call him on it but she knows that there are some things she's better off not knowing. "He's just concerned about you. And I shouldn't say this but he misses you."

Her breath catches. That's the last thing she had expected to hear. Alex thinks of Matt asking after her and she wants to hate herself for the warmth that fills her chest. She shouldn't feel that little flicker of hope. It doesn't matter anymore. But…he misses her. Not that it's going to do either one of them any good, but it makes her feel a little less alone, knowing she isn't the only one feeling like she's walking around missing a part of herself.

She looks at her drink, biting down hard on her lip. "And what did you say?"

"I told him you can take care of yourself and to bugger off," Arthur says, and she lets out a quiet laugh.

"You said no such thing."

"I did," Arthur says, laughing now too. "Well, almost. It was close to that."

"It's not his fault, you know," Alex says, struggling to keep her voice from wavering like it does every time she talks about Matt. "I told him to do it."

Arthur nods. "I know you did. But he didn't have to listen to you."

"I pushed him away," she says, and there are definitely tears in her voice and her eyes now. "I pushed him right to her."

Arthur's hand is over hers in an instant and he's making soothing shushing noises. Mortified at her own weakness, Alex has never been so grateful for the privacy of the back table. "It's alright," he says, voice soft. "I know, Alex. I know you had a hand in this as well but you didn't force him into marrying her. He did that on his own."

Alex nods, pulling herself together quickly. Wiping under her eyes, she looks down at her drink with a steadily flushing face. "I'm sorry. I'm obviously still not fit to be out in public."

Laughing softly, Arthur pulls his hand back and picks up his drink. "You're doing fine."

For a few quiet moments, they peruse their menus, looking for dessert. After Arthur has decided on a large biscuit and Alex has ordered the chocolate cheesecake to drown her sorrows in – promising herself she'll work it off later – Arthur sets his menu aside and looks at her very seriously.

"How are you?" He asks. "Honestly. Aside from a few minutes ago, I mean."

"Fine," Alex nods, placing her menu over his and pointedly avoiding his gaze. "Haven't cried at all this week."

Arthur sighs. "Let me set you up with someone. I know a great guy who would be a perfect rebound. Nothing serious." He tosses a folded napkin at her when she refuses to look at him. Alex picks it up and glances at him with a small smile. "Come on, please? It's time you started dating again."

The thought of seeing anyone else is so horribly wrong. Matt may be married now but he still holds her heart in his clumsy hands. She isn't ready to take it back yet. "I can't," she says, shaking her head. "Not yet."

Sighing again, Arthur takes in her tearful expression and nods. "Alright. But let me know, okay? It could be good for you."

Alex doubts it but she says nothing.

So you're gone and I'm haunted

Chapter by BrinneyFriday

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

They've just finished the read-through for the next episode and everyone is filing out of the room but Matt stays seated, pretending to make a note on his script but watching Alex leave the room out of the corner of his eye. She doesn't sit across from him or next to him anymore, usually several places down and blocked from his view by Arthur. Waiting until she leaves is the only way he catches a glimpse of her in this room – that and arriving early to watch her take her seat. It isn't much but it's all he has now.

When her golden curls disappear through the door, Matt closes his eyes and sighs, dropping his pen and the pretense. Running a hand over his face, he uses his other hand to reach into his pocket and pull out his phone. It kept vibrating throughout the read-through but he hadn't bothered to check, knowing it was probably Daisy. Sure enough, he has six text messages and two missed calls from her.

Letting out an agitated sigh, he's just about to scroll through his phone for her number when the door to the room opens and his wife walks in, dressed in a miniskirt and high-heeled boots, overlarge handbag hanging from her arm. He used to find her so attractive. Before Alex, she was the most beautiful woman in the world to him. Now, he just misses curls and curves so much he aches with it.

When Daisy spots him holding his phone, she stops and frowns. "Finally about to answer my texts are you?"

"What are you doing here?" He asks, ignoring her snipping. He isn't in the mood.

Tossing her handbag onto the table, Daisy huffs and puts a hand on her hip. "Well if you read my messages or answered your phone, you'd know, wouldn't you?"

"I was busy," he says through gritted teeth.

Daisy rolls her eyes and he resists the urge to chuck his phone at her. "I wanted to talk to you about going to dinner tonight with Natasha and Preston."

Matt stares at her, dumbfounded. "And that necessitated six text messages and two phone calls? I think it could have waited until I got home."

"I never know when you're going to be home anymore!" Daisy hasn't moved, but she crosses her arms over her chest defensively and watches him from several feet away. "Besides, the place we're going to requires a reservation."

Matt groans inwardly. Another upscale place with people he barely tolerates – what's wrong with just going someplace normal where they can unwind at the end of the day?

When he doesn't respond to her chatter, Daisy begins to tap her high-heeled boot against the floor. "You're not going to be late again tonight, are you?"

"I don't know, Daze," he says, beginning to fiddle with his phone just so he doesn't have to look at her. "This is a set, not a nine to five job. I'll be home when I'm done."

Daisy moves closer to the table, picking up the phone someone has left on the table and beginning to tap her nails against the screen. Matt ignores her. "I already asked Steven on my way in and he said you should be wrapping up for the day by six-thirty. That leaves you plenty of time to go home and change before going out with us."

His eyes dart from his phone to her, still standing several feet away and inspecting the phone in her hand with a wrinkle in her brow that he used to find adorable. Now it's just irritating. "You asked Steven?"

Daisy looks up at the tone of his voice. "Yeah, what's wrong with that?"

For one thing, if she already knew when he would be home, why did she ask? For another, he's not a bloody child. Before he can stop himself, Matt tosses his phone onto the table and snaps, "Bloody hell Daisy, could you please not ask my boss when I'm coming home like you're my sodding mother?"

Daisy flinches and puts the stranger's phone back as well, gently. "I just wanted to be sure! If you would answer my text messages I could plan these things without having to track you down."

Mat slams his hand against the tabletop and Daisy jumps. "I was in the middle of a table read! My

phone was off! I'm working, Daisy. I'm not out at the pub with the guys! What the hell do you want from me?"

Tears in her eyes, Daisy snaps, "I want you to stop acting like it's such a burden to spend time with me and our friends!"

"Your friends," he says, refusing to acknowledge the other part of that sentence. "Not mine."

"Oh," she says, indignant as she wipes at her eyes. "So they're just my friends now."

"They've always been your friends," he says, tired of fighting. "I can't stand them." Running a hand through his hair wearily, Matt watches his wife pull out her compact and check her eye makeup. "Arthur and Karen are going with the crew to a pub tonight after we're through. Why won't we go with them instead?"

He would never have suggested such a thing if he didn't know for sure that Alex has plans with Salome that night. If he has his way, Alex will never have to see him with Daisy and he'll never have to pretend like he isn't looking at her in front of his wife.

Daisy, however, wrinkles up her nose.

Matt laughs humorlessly. "Oh, I forgot. My friends aren't good enough for you."

"It's not that," she says, frowning but Matt knows how she feels about them despite her protests. At least his friends don't go to the loo after dessert to shoot up. "I just want to go out with Natasha and Preston."

"Well I don't," he says. "You go with them and I'll go to the pub."

At this suggestion, Daisy puts away her compact and walks closer to him, hands behind her back like she's an innocent little girl. Matt bristles, tensing as she sits on his lap and wiggles her bum, like it's going to have some sort of affect on him. He doesn't even flinch. Fingers walking steadily up his chest, Daisy leans in close and says coquettishly, "Or…we could stay home together. Have dinner, a little wine?" She trails off suggestively and rubs small circles on his chest.

Rigid in her embrace, Matt forces himself to relax. She's his wife and he's going to have to get used to this, whether he wants to or not. He used to be quite good at feigning ease in her embrace. He just isn't so accustomed to it anymore, having spent so much time avoiding her lately. "Whatever you want," he says, hoping his voice doesn't sound as monotone as he thinks it does. He forces his arms to move, wrapping them around her.

Daisy beams at him, leaning further into him to press her lips to his. Matt wills his hand to move to her face, cupping her cheek in his hand and closing his eyes.

A soft gasp sends him jumping away from her and Daisy just catches herself on the table before she hits the floor. In the doorway, Alex stares at them with wide eyes, watching them like a wounded animal.

"Sorry," she says quietly, and Matt wants to hit something. "I forgot my phone."

Closing his eyes for an instant, Matt realizes the phone Daisy had been fiddling with had been Alex's – he should have recognized that pink cover.

"No problem," Daisy says, sending Matt a curious glance that he just catches as his eyes open once again. She moves to get Alex's phone and while she isn't looking, Matt's eyes meet Alex's.

She looks tired and shaken. Why did she have to walk in on that? Couldn't she have walked in when Daisy had been irritated and he'd been cross? She could have seen the real them – unhappy and rowing all the time. Instead, she's seen the lie he's trying so desperately to live.

I love you, he thinks, staring into her eyes – eyes he misses so very much. I only love you.

He wonders if she understands him with just a look, the way she used to or if his gaze means nothing to her now. He'll never know. Alex blinks and looks away, staring resolutely at the floor until Daisy walks up to her, handing her the mobile. She looks up then, offering Daisy the ghost of a smile. "Thanks."

Matt watches her leave and wonders if it's possible to hate his life anymore than he does right then.

XxX

When Alex leaves Matt and Daisy, clutching her phone tightly in her fist, she doesn't stop to chat with people like she normally does. Keeping her head down so as not to attract any attention to herself, she walks resolutely to her car. She tries not to think of what she has just witnessed but it's all she sees every time she blinks. Daisy draped over his lap and Matt with his arms around her around, kissing her. Alex wonders if Daisy feels that same trembling flutter in her stomach every time Matt touches her, the way she always did. She wonders if Matt kisses Daisy with the same determination he used to kiss her with. It had certainly looked like it.

Alex blinks away tears, staring at her feet as she walks and hoping no one stops her as she pushes through the doors of the studio.

He's happy, then.

And she's glad for him, she really is. It's what she wanted for him, what she'd hoped he would have if he married Daisy. She loves him, and she wants him to be happy, but it hurts to watch. What she just saw will haunt her for weeks – Daisy's hand in the hair she used to run her fingers through, Matt's hands on Daisy's waist.

Reaching her car, Alex unlocks it quickly and gets inside, shutting the door behind her. She rests her head on the steering wheel and begins to cry quietly, hot tears slipping down her cheeks. And she's been doing so well lately, too.

She will never ever forget Matt and what he meant to her, and selfishly, she doesn't want him to forget her either. She doesn't want to see him kissing his wife. She doesn't want to be forced to watch him move on with his life every day, seeing that ring on his finger and watching from afar as she slowly slips from his mind.

It hurts, being forgotten.

Alex doesn't want to be this person – the woman who pines after the married man who left her for his wife. She is not this person. She doesn't want to do this to herself. She asked for this, didn't she? She vividly and painfully remembers asking Matt to go home to Daisy, asking him to move on and to be with someone his own age who could make him happy in all the ways she cannot.

Being Matt, he'd refused at first, determined in his stubbornness. And she told him she didn't love him, would never love him. She asked him to leave her alone. Alex shuts her eyes against the tears and stifles a sob, gripping the steering wheel tightly in her hands. Matt had loved her, and he'd done as she asked.

Alex knows she has no right to be upset, not when she orchestrated everything herself. She'd practically pushed him down on one knee in front of Daisy and all the pain she's feeling now is her own doing. Matt is happy now, just like she'd known he would be, and it's time for her to let go.

Pulling away from the steering wheel and sitting up, Alex scrolls through her phone determinedly. Sniffling, she wipes hurriedly at her eyes and clears her throat, pushing Arthur's number and letting it ring.

"Didn't I just see you five minutes ago?"

Alex laughs, a shaky, watery sound.

"What's wrong?" Arthur's concern is immediate and heart-warming. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," she says, willing her voice not to break. "I'm just…"

"No, you're not," he insists. "Are you hurt?"

"Not physically."

Arthur sighs on the other end of the line. "What did he do?"

"Nothing I didn't ask of him," Alex chuckles bitterly, wiping at her eyes again.

For a moment, they say nothing and Alex listens to Arthur's steady breathing through the phone, gathering her courage and giving herself time to back out. But she doesn't want to. Matt is happy, and it's time she tried to be as well.

"All right," she breathes. "Who did you want to set me up with?"

XxX

The man Arthur has in mind is a friend of his who owns a nightclub where Arthur sometimes plays with his band. He's older than Arthur, closer to Alex's age and it's almost strange now to be with someone who sits quietly at dinner and doesn't gesture a lot with his hands or fidget constantly. He doesn't talk excitedly, like everything fascinates him and sparks his curiosity, like a child in constant wonder at the world around him. Alex had always found that so refreshing about Matt and she wonders if it will change as he ages – if it's only an attribute of the young and enthusiastic or if Matt is truly just a lover of life. She'll never know now.

Tom, Arthur's friend, takes her to a show at his club – a new band that he thinks will bring more people into his place. They're not really Alex's type of band, even with Matt's influence expanding her musical horizons, but she listens attentively and claps along with the crowd after every set. Tom talks to her over the music sometimes but Alex wishes he wouldn't. She hates small talk – it's so tiring, having to go over the same boring questions on every new date. She just wishes she could find someone who already knows everything about her and her habits, so that she doesn't need to explain anything and can get right down to falling in love. It probably isn't a very romantic way of looking at things but then; she's never been much of a romantic, has she?

Tom holds her hand a lot and occasionally puts his arm around her during the slower songs while they sit at a back table. The place is smoky and smells like someone has spilled beer all over the floor, which isn't really her idea of a great first date and she can't seem to get comfortable under Tom's touch, no matter what she does. When his hand is in hers, it's too sweaty and she wants to pull away. When his arm is around her, she stiffens and while her mind screams at her to relax into his touch and lean her head on his shoulder, she can't do it. Before, it would have been so easy but things are different now.

She's different.

All in all, it makes for a very uncomfortable date.

When the band has played their last song of the night, Tom shuts down the club and they sit at the now empty bar with two glasses and a bottle of whiskey between them. They talk for a while about inconsequential things, the small talk that bores Alex to tears. Through it all, she thinks of nothing but Matt and how easily it had come to her with him. Matt didn't need small talk to have something to say. He didn't even need to touch her to set her whole body alight.

She blinks when she finds her mind straying to him again for the hundredth time that night and knocks back the rest of her drink, forcing herself to be in the present and not off somewhere in her mind with a man she'll never have again. When Tom puts aside his drink and pulls her closer on her bar stool, nearly sending her tumbling, she falls against his chest and stares up at him with wide eyes. She wonders if she looks as horrified as she feels – like a frightened animal watching

the lion come creeping close.

And then Tom's mouth is against hers and she gasps quietly. He seems to take her surprise as enthusiasm and slips his tongue into her mouth, letting out a groan and wrapping his arms around her waist. Alex kisses him back almost mechanically but she cannot close her eyes. She's frozen in place, staring at his face close up and feeling absolutely nothing.

It's wrong. It's all so very wrong. She wants to wrench her mouth away from his and run. She doesn't even know where she would run but anywhere is better than here – kissing a man she doesn't want to kiss while her heart shrivels just a little more in her chest. But she won't run this time. She ran from Max back in LA and she won't do it again.

Running away doesn't solve anything. She's learned that the hard way.

XxX

When Matt hears about Alex's date with Tom, the anger he feels is unreasonable and boiling. He wants to throw his phone against the wall and watch it shatter. Or maybe throw Tom against the wall instead. It's not Tom's fault and the urge to hurt him is unwarranted but his hand twitches at his side and he wants nothing more than to hit something.

It's none of his business now. He knows it's not. But that doesn't soothe the gnawing burn in his stomach.

He goes home that night and wonders what Alex is doing, if she's enjoying her date and if Tom is keeping his sodding hands to himself. He slams the front door behind him and slumps into a chair in the living room, turning on the telly and snapping at Daisy when she asks him what's wrong. It isn't her fault any more than it is Tom's and he knows he's being a prick but Alex is out right at that moment with bloody Tom and horrible thoughts of what they could be doing eat away at him until he's clenching his fists and red in the face.

Daisy goes to bed without him and Matt lies awake on the sofa, wondering if Alex is still out with Tom or home safe in her bed – alone. Please God, let her be alone.

A week later, he overhears Alex and Arthur during their lunch break, speaking in low voices outside the studio where he usually goes to have a breather. He's just about to pull open the slightly ajar door when he hears her voice and stops cold, listening with his hand hovering over the doorknob.

"I just couldn't," she's saying and she sounds resigned.

"Why not?" Arthur asks. "He really liked you – he told me he did."

"I know," Alex sighs. "But I didn't feel anything…I tried. I really did." She pauses and Matt hears her let out a quiet breath. "It just wasn't there. I won't force myself to be with someone I feel nothing for just because I don't want to be alone."

The relief that floods through Matt is immediately followed by waves of crippling guilt and he backs away from the door and walks off down the hall before he hears anything else he isn't meant to.

There's a strange aching in his chest as he walks further and further away from Alex because she's hurting and he's relieved. He hates himself then, for hoping that she went to bed alone that night a week ago. No matter who he's married to, she's still his Alex and Matt doesn't want her to be unhappy. He would rather spend the rest of his days miserable and sick with jealousy if it meant she was happy and with someone who loved her.

She'll never be his again, but the thought of her being with someone else makes him want to throw things like some spoiled child. But she's unhappy, and that's the last thing he wants. All he has ever wanted was for her to have a good life. No one is ever going to love her like he does, but if some bloke can even come close to a fraction of what he feels for her, then maybe it might be enough.

Three days later, Matt is fiddling with his phone at the table just before a meeting with the cast and crew when Karen and Arthur walk into the room, talking quietly. Matt doesn't pay them any mind until he hears Alex's name and then his head shoots up. He catches himself staring at them intently and quickly looks away, eyes back on his phone but his attention focused entirely on their conversation now.

"Are you sure she'll like him?" Arthur asks. "He's a bit younger than her."

Karen waves him away. "Oh please. Would you be asking that question if Alex was a man?"

Arthur holds up his hands. "Fair point. Still, Daniel is…"

"A great guy," Karen says with a frown. "He's funny and interesting and I think Alex will really like him. They'll have a good time together tomorrow, just watch."

Daniel. Karen's friend Daniel – the peroxide blonde with the leather jacket and the attitude – is going to go out with his Alex? His Alex has consented to go out with that pompous prick who just cares about the next notch on his bed post?

Alex deserves better than a guy who just wants to get his jollies off. She deserves everything and Daniel is not the bloke to give it to her. The thought of his lecherous hands on her makes him want to be sick.

Without thinking, Matt slams his fist against the table, jaw clenched. Karen and Arthur jump, turning to stare at him with wide eyes. Unclenching his jaw and forcing his hand to open, Matt mumbles, "Sorry."

Karen rolls her eyes but Arthur glares.

Matt averts his gaze and says nothing.

XxX

Daniel is young. Not as young as Matt, perhaps just a few years older. The second she meets him, Daniel reaches for her hand, kissing it with a naughty smile and Alex is instantly attracted to him. It doesn't feel uncomfortable, letting him sling an arm around her shoulders as they walk into the art exhibit.

With Tom, it had been awkward and forced. With Daniel, the attraction is electric. It's nothing more than that, however. With Matt, Alex had tried to tell herself it was purely physical but it never had been. It had always been so much more. But with Daniel, that's all it is. Alex doesn't care. She isn't looking for long term right now – just someone whose touch doesn't make her shiver for all the wrong reasons.

They wander through the art exhibit holding hands, giggling at the really terrible paintings that don't seem to be anything at all and when Alex tells him that Salome could have made a better sculpture with her play dough, Daniel collapses against her with silent laughter, throwing an arm around her waist and leading her away to the watercolors.

"So what gives?" He asks when they stop at a particularly lovely painting, sitting together on a bench in front of it to admire the coloring properly. "You're far too gorgeous to be single. You're not going to rape me and then hack me into pieces are you? Not that I would mind the molestation."

Alex laughs and he raises an eyebrow.

"I went through a divorce recently," she explains. "I just haven't been ready to date until now." It's close enough to the truth that she doesn't really feel like she's lying to him.

Daniel nods. "I understand. Break ups are tough."

"You have no idea," she says, thinking of Matt's smiling face.

Jumping to his feet, Daniel holds out a hand to her. "Well, you're just lucky you have me."

"Is that so?" She asks, grinning as he pulls her to her feet.

"Oh, absolutely," he says. "I'm brilliant at making women forget all about their exes."

They continue their evening with no talk of break ups, sharing a bag of candy and traipsing through the exhibits paying more attention to each other than the paintings and sculptures. It's an enjoyable evening and Alex can't remember the last time a man made her laugh so much. But that's a lie. She does remember. She just doesn't want to.

At the end of the night, Daniel's hands linger around her waist and brush against her arm more frequently and Alex can tell where the evening is headed, if she allows it to. On the walk back to her townhouse, she lets her hand brush against his once, then twice. Daniel glances at her, and when he sees her smirk, he grins outright. Taking her by the hand, he veers suddenly to the right and Alex finds herself being slammed against the brick wall of an alleyway just a block away from her townhouse.

His mouth is against hers before she has time to react and she shuts her eyes instantly, opening her mouth against his. His hands grip her waist tightly and he pulls her closer by the hips. Clutching at the material of his jacket, Alex lets his hands roam while her mind wanders. He tastes like tobacco

and the candy they've been sharing and she feels an odd, melancholy pang in her chest because for some reason, she had been expecting something else. Something minty with a hint of ginger. She'd been expecting Matt.

Tears spring to her eyes as Daniel's hand slides up her waist to cup her breast through her shirt and she gasps, pulling away and turning her head. Panting into her neck, Daniel releases her. She turns to peer up at him with tears in her eyes and he leans in close, kissing her gently. Alex can't bring herself to kiss him back.

Taking her hand again, Daniel leads her out of the alley and walks her the rest of the way home in silence. At her doorstep, he pulls her close and kisses her again. She forces herself to react, closing her eyes and pressing her lips firmly against his. His hands linger at her waist, caressing lightly.

She can tell he wants to be invited in but she can't. Not yet.

She wonders if she'll ever be ready.

The next day, Alex sits with Karen and Matt at a picnic table outside the studio, waiting for Steven to call them back in to shoot their next scene. Arthur is off somewhere on his mobile with his band mate, arguing about guitar picks of all things.

The air is as warm as it gets in England during the springtime and while it's chilly compared to Los Angeles, Alex would take it over the humidity of the States any day. England is truly home to her, and she wishes moving back were an option. Maybe one day it will be. Now, though, she enjoys it while she has it.

Next to her in oversized sunglasses, Karen paints her nails a bright purple color that Alex never would have picked, humming under her breath. Across the table, Matt picks at a loose thread in his tweed jacket and doesn't meet her eyes.

She misses him. Not just the sex or even the way his kisses made her feel. She misses the way he smiled at her, bright and uninhibited. She misses talking to him. She misses the way he made her laugh, and how she could get him to giggle like a little boy if she really tried. She misses that giggle.

It's strange; missing someone who is so close she could reach out and touch him. Not raising his eyes from his sleeve, Matt pushes his hair from his eyes and Alex swallows heavily, turning her gaze elsewhere.

"So," Karen says, looking up from her nails with a mischievous grin. "Daniel told me you two hit it off pretty well."

Stomach dropping, Alex sees Matt's head shoot up out of the corner of her eye and she gives a weak smile. "He was nice," she ventures, hoping Karen will drop it. She doesn't want to talk about this in front of Matt. And why does he look so interested? He doesn't care about her like that anymore – she saw that with her own eyes. Kissing his wife because she's his wife is one thing, but she'd never seen a man look so single-minded about a kiss before. He definitely doesn't miss her.

"Psh," Karen laughs in disbelief. "Nice? You make out in alleys with guys who are just nice, do you?" She nudges Alex playfully. "Really, on a first date!"

Alex suddenly wishes the ground would open up and swallow her whole. Face burning and tears stinging her eyes, she stares at the picnic table and says nothing. Oblivious, Karen turns to study her newly painted nails. Composing herself, Alex risks a glance in Matt's direction, glimpsing his pale, horrified expression. He looks at her like she just punched him in the chest. For a moment, Alex can't tell if he's going to be ill or cry.

Then, abruptly and without a word, he stands, walking away from her with fists clenched at his sides and shoulders tense. Alex watches him go with a lump in her throat.

She doesn't see Daniel again.

XxX

When filming for the latest episode comes to a conclusion, Alex is more than ready to be back in America. Usually she hates to go back home, but things are different now. The set of Doctor Who doesn't feel like a home anymore, the way it used to. She won't be back again until it's time for the two -part finale, so she says her goodbyes to the crew, Steven, Karen and Arthur. Salome goes around and hugs everyone and they all give her a big bear hug in return. Steven presents her with a large bag of candy for the plane ride and Karen gives her a new set of colored pencils – a jumbo pack that earns the redhead a gasp of happiness and a kiss on the cheek.

She holds Salome's hand on the way out of the studio, listening to her chatter about all the things she's going to draw with her new pencils on the plane ride home, though Alex knows she'll be asleep within the hour. Matt hasn't made an appearance and she isn't sure if she's relieved or disappointed that she won't get to catch one last glimpse of him before she leaves. The distance will certainly do her good – her heart can't properly heal when she's so close to him, day in and day out. It's like picking at a scab every day and watching it bleed afresh, knowing there will be a

scar when it finally does heal.

Suddenly, Salome drops her hand and lets out a squeal of delight, shouting, "Matty!" and beginning to run. Alex turns to look and sees Matt just walking into the studio, car keys still in hand. She should have known she wouldn't get away so easily.

"Poppet!" He says, smiling widely and bending down to let Salome launch herself into his arms. "Thought I was going to miss you!"

"You're late," Salome accuses, arms wrapped around his neck.

"I know," he says, smoothing her hair and closing his eyes as he hugs her tightly. "I'm sorry."

Watching them, Alex feels such a deep, gaping hole open up inside herself that she knows without a doubt that it will never be filled. She will try to – with friends and work, books and meaningless dates – but that fissure will never close. There is only one person on earth who could make it better, but he can't. Not anymore.

Matt's eyes open and land on her and Alex hurriedly looks away, turning from him to wipe at her eyes. She cries at everything these days. She doesn't even realize she's doing it anymore until either Salome points it out or she notices the wetness on her cheeks.

She turns again when she thinks she has control over her emotions and Matt is standing with Salome in his arms, talking quietly to her. Salome nods to whatever he says, looking solemn. Then, when he notices that Alex has turned to face them again, Matt stops talking, offering her a weak smile and studying the floor intently.

Before, he'd at least looked her in the eye but after the Daniel Incident, he can't even do that. Maybe it should bother her, but Alex is mostly relieved. It means he can't see the love still shining in her eyes whenever she looks at him. She would rather he remained oblivious.

"Mom," Salome says, smiling and holding up a package. "Look what Matty brought me. It's drawing paper – the really nice kind!"

Sure enough, the tablet is full of thick, pure white paper of the highest quality. It's beautiful, wrapped in a jade green binding – Salome's favorite color. "That's sweet of you," she says, not afraid to look at him now that he isn't looking back. "You didn't have to -"

"I wanted to," Matt says, voice suddenly fierce as his eyes snap up to meet hers for the first time in a while. Her breath catches and Alex finds herself ensnared. He stares back at her, nostrils flared like he wants to look away but he can't. Those hazel eyes…she's missed them so. They're not the same eyes, though. There is no warmth there for her anymore, only sadness and regret.

Salome wiggles in Matt's arms and Alex blinks, averting her gaze. Matt clears his throat, putting Salome back on her feet and patting her fondly on the head. "Be good for your mummy, alright, poppet," he says, and Alex's ears must be deceiving her because for a moment, she thinks his voice comes out hoarse.

"I will," Salome assures him, clutching all of her going-away presents to her chest like they're precious treasures.

Matt meets her gaze again as Salome slips her hand into Alex's. "Have a safe flight," he says, and she nods while he flounders, opening and closing his mouth like he wants to say so much more. Finally, he sighs and rubs a hand over his face roughly. Looking at the ground again, he says quietly, "Goodbye Alex."

"Goodbye," she says, just as softly and Matt nods once before striding away from her, hands shoved into his pockets and his shoulders slumped. Alex closes her eyes and begins to lead Salome away by the hand, refusing to watch him walk away from her again.

When they're safely settled on the plane and Salome has her seatbelt on and her colored pencils and paper arranged perfectly before her, she asks Alex for one of the lollypops Steven had given her.

Alex pulls away the wrapper and hands the treat over, watching Salome pop it happily into her mouth. She can't contain her curiosity any longer and she asks, "What did Matty say to you earlier? When you two were whispering together?"

Salome studies the colored pencils in front of her, frowning. "It's a secret, mommy. I can't tell."

Now the curiosity is burning a hole in her stomach. "Matty wouldn't want you to keep secrets from me," she tries, prodding gently. "He must have meant not to tell anyone else but me."

Salome looks thoughtful, speaking around the lolly in her mouth. "Maybe…"

Reaching out, Alex strokes a hand over Salome's curls. "I won't tell anyone, love."

"Well, alright," she relents. Finally selecting a cherry red pencil, she begins to sketch the outline of a house. "He said for me to take good care of you cause you need looking after and he can't do it anymore."

The sudden lump in her throat feels like it might choke her and Alex says nothing in response to her daughter's confession, turning quickly to the window as their flight takes off, staring out at the tarmac with tears blurring her eyes.

Chapter End Notes

Thanks so much for the kudos and comments! I'm just glad some of you are masochists like I am and will actually sit through this. Haha Thanks to Charina for being my beta and dealing with angst even though she doesn't want to. Chapter title from A Fine Frenzy's Almost Lover.

Though he's gone and you are wonderful

Chapter by BrinneyFriday

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Alex and Salome have been back in Los Angeles for a week when Alex finally gets an afternoon free. Salome is at a friend's house until dinner and Alex decides it's the perfect opportunity to go to the grocery store and stock up on some much-needed items. The cabinets are looking a little bare but she isn't in the mood to go on a shopping spree. She picks up a few essentials like peanut butter, ice cream, some fruit and poptarts before she grows tired of the crowded aisles and gives up.

She pays for her items and carries her two brown paper bags out into the parking lot, balancing them while she searches her purse for her keys. Not looking where she's going, she yelps in surprise when she hits a fairly solid object, sending the bags in her arms tumbling to the ground and her groceries spilling out onto the pavement.

"Oh bloody hell," she curses even as the solid object she ran into begins to apologize profusely.

Bending down, she begins to pick up her bags, stuffing things back into their place and grumbling to herself. The solid object continues to apologize, crouching down next to her to help. They both reach for the jar of peanut butter at the same time and their hands brush.

Alex glances up and finds herself looking into warm brown eyes, full of sympathy and a small amount of amusement. Those eyes widen when they meet hers and suddenly the skin around the eyes crinkles as the man begins to smile.

"Hi," he says and his voice is warm and deep.

"Hello," she returns, smiling a little.

The man hands her the peanut butter jar and picks up the two bags, lifting them with ease. "I'm so sorry – I should have been paying attention to where I was going."

"No," she says, shaking her head. "It's fine. I was searching for my keys and I just wasn't looking."

He smiles at her and it's a nice smile; he has very white teeth. "Well I guess we'll both have to be more attentive from now on. Although this time, I would consider this more of a happy accident."

Alex blushes, smiling at him and feeling like a teenager. Blushing! Honestly.

"Let me walk you to your car," he says. "It's the least I can do."

"Thank you," she says, and begins to lead the way, rummaging through her bag for her keys as they begin to walk. She finds them within moments now that she has both of her hands free.

"I'm Paul, by the way," the man says, glancing at her over the shopping bags.

"Alex," she says, unlocking her car as they reach it.

Paul places her bags in the back seat and shuts the door, turning to her and dusting his hands off on his jeans. "So Alex…I really feel terrible about this."

Alex laughs. "Honestly, it's not a big deal."

"No, your apples looked bruised," he says, smiling. "I can't walk out of your life now. That's just irresponsible."

"Oh?" She asks, crossing her arms over her chest. "And how do you plan to compensate me for my bruised apples?"

Paul grins. "Coffee, of course."

Shaking her head, Alex bites her lip and thinks of a floppy-haired idiot thousands of miles away.

'He told me to take care of you cause you need looking after and he can't do it anymore.'

Salome's words reverberate through her mind and Alex closes her eyes. He's married. That's why

he can't look after you. He's married and you're still pining like a pathetic schoolgirl.

Opening her eyes again and steeling herself with quiet determination, Alex gives Paul a bright smile. "Alright. Coffee it is."

XxX

At one of their favorite pubs in the middle of London on a Monday night, Matt, Arthur and Karen sit at their usual booth and do their best not to be noticed. Everyone else is there to get drunk or watch football on the telly so they're ignored for the most part. Occasionally, someone will come up to them and ask for an autograph but all in all, it's a relatively peaceful evening.

Leaning back in his seat and folding his arms behind his head, Matt watches Karen try to create something bizarre with a folded napkin, Arthur giving her constructive criticism as she scowls at her creation. It's been two months since Alex left for America and he hasn't heard a word about her since then. Salome still doesn't call him like she used to, and Matt misses that little girl more than he could possibly say. He told her to look after Alex and he hopes she is. He hopes his Alex is getting along just fine – no matter how much he still aches inside with missing her.

He knows Karen and Arthur text Alex fairly often – especially Arthur – but neither of them ever breathes a word about her to him. It drives him mad. He feels like a drug addict going through the worst withdrawal of his life. He lies awake at night thinking of her, he goes through his day wondering what she's doing, if she's sleeping or if she's up thinking of him too. He just wants to see her again – just a glimpse of her curls, a flash of her eyes. He would take anything.

Just then, like a sign from the gods themselves, Karen's phone pings and she turns from her crumpled, pathetic looking napkin to glance at it on the table in front of her. Picking it up, she smiles and types out a quick response. "Alex," she says by way of explanation, turning back to her napkin.

Straightening immediately in his seat, Matt leans forward and tries to sound casual. "How's she been?"

Arthur glances at him but Matt ignores him, eyes on Karen, who doesn't look up. "Oh, she's just telling me about where Paul took her last night."

Matt swallows hard, heart pounding and the blood rushing in his ears so loudly that he can barely hear the pub music over its cacophony. "Paul? Who's Paul?"

"Oh come on," Karen says. "I told you about Paul."

"No," Matt says through gritted teeth. "You didn't."

Karen shrugs. "Well, Alex has been seeing him for about two months so I guess you could say he's her boyfriend. They have the cutest 'how we met story'!" She looks up, gushing. "He literally ran into her at the grocery store. Spilled her bags all over the parking lot."

"Charming," Matt says, voice clipped.

Arthur shoots him a look.

Matt ignores him again.

"Anyway," Karen says. "He's a high school history teacher and apparently very easy on the eyes."

Two months. Alex has been seeing a high school history teacher for as long as she's been away from him. While he's been thinking of her every spare second and missing her so much that her name is a constant buzz in the back his mind, she has been dating someone else. Someone who may or may not be good enough for her, someone who may or may not be treating her the way she deserves to be treated. Someone who may or may not treat Salome like the princess she is.

Someone who is most certainly kissing Alex, running his fingers through her hair…he wonders briefly if Alex has slept with him yet and then promptly shoves the thought aside before he goes outside and throws himself under a bus.

"Matt?" Karen asks, looking exasperated, and he realizes she has been saying his name repeatedly for the last few moments.

"What?" He asks, releasing his white-knuckled grip on his glass of ale and unclenching his jaw. "Sorry."

"Are you okay?" She asks, watching him with concern.

Matt nods numbly, looking away from her concerned gaze and Arthur's knowing stare. "I'm fine. Just tired, I guess." He swallows, pushing his glass away. "Think I'm going to turn in early."

Karen smiles as he grabs his phone and stands up. "Missing the wife already? You're such a sap."

Offering a weak smile in return, Matt drops a hand to Arthur's shoulder and squeezes in lieu of a goodbye and walks out the door. The cool night air is like a slap to the face but Matt welcomes it, striding down the sidewalk and letting the wind bite at his exposed skin.

He isn't angry. He has no right to be. What he feels now is just burning jealousy and a deep melancholy that he doesn't think is ever going to go away. He misses her. So damned much. Why couldn't she have let him love her? Things would be so different now. He might be going home to her instead of someone he doesn't love, someone whose touch leaves him cold. Thinking of coming home to Alex, Matt smiles sadly. Salome would probably rush to meet him at the door, laughing delightedly when he scooped her up and spun her around. He thinks of kissing Alex hello and burying his hands in glorious curls, like Paul probably does now.

Shaking his head violently, Matt shoves his clenched fists into his pockets and sighs. It doesn't do to dwell on fantasies of things that will never be his.

Feeling tears sting his eyes, he shuts them and grimaces.

Never.

What a horrible word.

Matt bends his head against the wind and walks home, thoughts full of things that never were and never will be. The house is lit up from within when he arrives, and he knows Daisy is waiting up for him. Mentally preparing himself to deal with his wife, Matt takes his key from his pocket and unlocks the door.

Daisy is reclined on the sofa when he walks into the living room, dressed in sweatpants and her hair piled on top of her head, mobile pressed to her ear. "Hey," she says when she spots him, frowning and pulling the phone from her ear. "I thought you weren't going to be back for hours."

"I got bored," he says, dropping down onto the armchair across from her and turning up the telly.

Daisy looks at him for a long moment, silent. Putting the phone back to her ear, she says, "Can I call you back?" She hangs up, tossing her phone onto the coffee table. "What's the matter?"

Matt sighs. He really doesn't want to fight with Daisy tonight and this is not something he can discuss with her. "Nothing. Just tired."

Crossing the room, Daisy perches on his lap, draping her arms around his neck. "Well," she says, leaning close and kissing his cheek. "Since you're home early, why don't we watch a movie together? We never do that anymore."

Truthfully, Matt wants nothing more than to sit in a dark room and drink but that obviously isn't happening tonight. So instead, he nods once, defeated.

Smiling, Daisy curls up on his lap, resting her head on his shoulder and using the remote to find something to watch. She stops suddenly and Matt's breath catches and his heart stutters when he sees Alex staring back at him from the television. "This is a good movie," Daisy says. "Want to watch this?"

Daisy can't stand Alex. She's only offering to make him happy, to appease him. Alex stares back at him from his television screen, golden curls framing her face and green eyes alight. She smiles in a way she never smiles at him anymore and Matt feels a lump form in his throat. "No," he says, voice hoarse, and he hopes Daisy doesn't look to see the sheen of tears in his eyes. "Find something else."

Thankfully, Daisy doesn't look at him, frowning as she continues to flick through the channels. "Oh, 500 Days of Summer! I love this one." She looks at him now and Matt hopes he doesn't look on the verge of falling apart. "What about this one?"

"Fine."

They're just in time for the opening narration and Matt lets himself get lost in the words until he hears, "'He knows almost immediately she is who he has been searching for. This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story.'"

He can't do this. He can't watch a man fall in love with a woman and lose her the same way he did Alex. He can't watch that girl move on and find someone else, the way Alex apparently has.

He can't. Not tonight. Maybe not ever again. Romantic movies are going to have to be blacklisted for the foreseeable future. Maybe one day it won't hurt so much, but today is not that day.

Snuggled up against him, Daisy watches the movie with a soft smile on her face and he knows she's just happy to be spending time with her husband. Because that's who he is now. He's her husband. Maybe it's time he started acting like it. If nothing else, it will distract her from this movie and he might escape watching it altogether.

Slowly and with deliberate sensuality, Matt slides the strap of Daisy's tank top down her shoulder, leaving it bare. Bending his head, he presses an open-mouth kiss to her skin, glancing up to see Daisy's eyes fluttering shut. He used to love this once, a long time ago. Any time spent focusing on Daisy's body was time well spent. Now, it takes all of his concentration to get through making love to her. Not once since their marriage has he thought of her during sex – it's always Alex he sees.

Turning in his arms, Daisy wraps hers around his neck and leans close, pressing her lips to his. Matt slides his arms around her waist, opening his mouth over hers and kissing her back harshly. Tonight is going to be different. If Alex can move on and be with someone else – sleep with someone else – then he can make love to his wife without thinking of Alex once. He focuses instead on the sensations, on how it feels as Daisy's fingers glide over the front of his trousers, and the way her naughty smile feels against his mouth.

Without warning, he stands up with Daisy in his arms and she giggles into his neck as he carries her down the hall to their bedroom. He tosses her onto the mattress and begins to undress, watching Daisy as she pulls off her clothes as well, tossing them hurriedly to the side. Free of clothing, Matt climbs onto the bed and covers Daisy's body with his own, touching his mouth to hers once more.

In his determination not to think of Alex, he's a little rougher with Daisy than he usually is but she doesn't seem to mind, clinging to him and releasing breathy little moans into his ear, legs wrapped tightly around his waist. Matt refuses to close his eyes and he ends up staring into Daisy's instead. It's strange, looking at her like this. He's usually off in his own head at this point but now, with her staring up at him, he knows she loves him, despite how much shit he puts her through.

She deserves so much better than him.

The woman he loves is dating someone else and he's going to stop fucking up his marriage. It's time to grow up and face the choices he has made. He will live with them and try to be that better man Daisy needs.

In his arms, Daisy stiffens with pleasure, crying out as she clenches around him. Without meaning to, Matt closes his eyes just as he reaches climax and Alex's face is all he sees. He comes with a muffled sob into Daisy's shoulder before slumping against her in defeat.

Daisy slides out from under him and curls her body around his, falling into a peaceful sleep within minutes. Matt turns over in the darkness of their bedroom and stares up at the ceiling, tears in his eyes. It's like Alex is under his skin, this disease that's eating away at his life and there's not a damn thing he can do to stop it. God help him, he doesn't want to stop it. He wants to curl up and wait for it to consume him completely.

Maybe then he'll finally have some peace.

XxX

He wakes in the morning to his mobile ringing on his bedside table. Reaching out blindly, Matt answers with a tired, "Hello?" He'd lain awake for hours last night, Alex the sole focus of his thoughts and when he'd finally fallen asleep, nightmares plagued him. This morning has come far too early.

"Hey mate," Arthur says, and he sounds tentative. "Look, I was thinking…" He sighs. "Want to go for coffee?"

Rubbing sleepily at his eyes, Matt glances to the other side of the bed and sees Daisy still sleeping. "Yeah, sure. Where?"

He meets Arthur at a tiny place not too far from his house and after they purchase their coffee, they go for a walk. For a while, they say nothing and Matt is left sipping his drink and sneaking curious glances at Arthur, wondering what all this is about.

"I'm sorry," Arthur blurts suddenly, and Matt frowns around a mouthful of hot coffee.

"What for?"

Arthur kicks idly at a pebble in the middle of the sidewalk. "I haven't exactly been there for you lately."

Matt shrugs. "I understand. And I'm glad – that you've been so supportive of Alex, I mean. She needs you."

"Yeah," Arthur says. "But you're my friend too and I haven't really been acting like it lately."

"And why not?" Matt asks, genuinely curious.

"Because I know you don't love Daisy," Arthur says quickly, and the words are like a punch in the chest. "I know you're still in love with Alex and you chose to get married anyway. If you could have seen Alex's face when I told her I knew…" He shakes his head. "Every time I look at you or see you with Daisy, I just remember her crying into my shirt and I want to punch you."

Matt swallows around the lump in his throat and rasps out, "Well, thanks for restraining yourself."

Arthur laughs quietly. "I'm trying, mate. I really am. I just wanted you to know."

"I appreciate your honesty," Matt says, but his thoughts are on Alex. On the pain he's put her through and how even if he left Daisy right now, it wouldn't fix anything. He still wouldn't deserve to even hold her hand.

They walk for a while longer, tossing their empty coffee cups into a garbage bin and ambling along a quiet path in a nearby park. They find a bench and watch mothers push strollers and run after screaming toddlers. Matt had wanted to be a father, once. He'd wanted to be a stepfather to Salome. He'd wanted to marry Alex and talk her into adopting with him. Once he realized he was in love with her, his thoughts had immediately strayed to a future with her and no matter what he did, his thoughts always led to parenthood. The thought of having a family with Alex used to make him smile at the whole world. Now, with Daisy, Matt can't see himself ever having children. He loves kids, but bringing a child into a home where its father will never love its mother seems cruel.

"Can I ask you something?" Arthur asks after a while.

Matt stretches his long legs out in front of him and stares at his shoes. "Go ahead."

"Why did you do it?"

The corner of Matt's mouth lifts in the ghost of an amused smile. "Do what? Get of bed this morning? Fall in love with Alex? You'll have to be more specific."

"Well any idiot can see why you'd fall in love with her," Arthur says, sighing. "That's not what I meant. Why did you marry Daisy when you're in love with Alex?"

Staring out at a little blonde girl climbing up the slide with adorable determination, Matt says dully, "Because Alex didn't want me."

"That's a lie and you know it."

"Yes," he snaps. "I know that. But what the hell was I supposed to do when she kept telling me right to my face that she didn't love me? That I needed to move on and marry Daisy? I couldn't wait for her for the rest of my life."

For a moment, Arthur says nothing, watching Matt with silent intensity. Then, with elbows on his knees and chin in hands, he turns his gaze to the grass beneath him and says quietly, "She wanted to go to you. Alex, I mean. Told me she wanted more than anything to run into that church and beg you not to get married." He laughs humorlessly and Matt can't stop the tears from stinging his eyes. "She thought it was too late."

Turning away from Arthur so the other man won't see what a wreck he is, Matt stands up and paces away from him, scrubbing his hands roughly over his face and willing himself not to cry. Not here. If anyone takes a picture of him like this it will be all over the papers by tomorrow.

Too late? How could it have been too late? How could she ever think he would be happier with anyone but her?

God, if he'd just run to her like he wanted to. She would have taken him back with open arms. He knows that now. But that confirmation doesn't make anything better. It magnifies the ache inside his chest until it can't be called an ache anymore. It's a gaping wound prone to infection. It makes him want to crawl beneath that bench and wait for the heartache to do him in.

With red-rimmed eyes, he joins Arthur on the bench again and his friend watches him with sympathy. "I'm sorry," Arthur says. "I shouldn't have said that. I just -"

"No," Matt says. "I'm glad you told me."

It hurts like hell but he wouldn't trade the knowledge for anything. Any information on Alex that Arthur wants to offer up, Matt will gladly hear – secreting away all the precious tidbits and pulling them out on cold, lonely nights, thinking of what he could have had if only he had just persevered.

"This Paul," he says quietly. "Is he good to her?"

Arthur nods. "I think so, yeah."

"You'll tell me?" Matt asks, and he wishes his voice would stop cracking. "If he hurts her?"

Arthur snorts. "What would you do about it?"

"Beat the hell out of him," Matt answers instantly and Arthur starts to laugh before taking one look at Matt's stony expression.

"Right," he says. "I'll keep you informed."

The little girl on the slide has moved to the swings now, smiling and kicking her legs while a man in jeans and a sweater pushes her from behind. Matt watches them with undisguised longing. As deeply as he misses Alex, he misses Salome just as much.

"Are you going to be okay?" Arthur asks, watching him warily.

"I'll be fine," he answers automatically, voice emotionless.

"What about you and Daisy?"

Watching as the little girl shouts delightedly when her father pushes her higher, Matt smiles sadly. "I don't know, mate."

Chapter End Notes

Thanks for commenting! I love you all to bits for reading this angst. Chapter title from Near to You by Fine Frenzy. Thanks to Charina for being my beta:)

I come to you in pieces

Chapter by BrinneyFriday

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Exactly three weeks before filming for the finale is due to begin, there's a dinner for the people at BBC and Matt is required to be there. He doesn't want to go but skipping out wouldn't look good. So he puts on a tux, waits impatiently for Daisy to finish primping and they go. There are pictures to be taken and poses to be made. He smiles for the cameras, letting them all think he's still lost in wedded bliss while Daisy clings to his arm and beams. He's made a good liar out of her, too.

Inside, they sit at a table with Steven and Sue, Karen and her boyfriend, and Arthur. There are still two empty chairs.

A waiter comes by with his drink – scotch, neat. Matt takes a gulp just as he spots unmistakable blonde curls and he suddenly knows with a sense of dread who those seats are for.

Alex makes her way to their table, looking absolutely beautiful in a black gown and her wild curls framing her face. On her arm is a tall man with dark brown hair and a deep tan, like he spends all of this time out in the sun. Matt scoffs into his drink. That's Los Angeles for you. He stares at his own pale hand holding his drink and frowns. English skin. He wonders if Alex likes a tan, or if she misses his skin against hers. Then he pictures tan skin against her fair, creamy body and takes another large gulp of scotch, signaling to the waiter for another.

Alex sits across from him at the table, smiling at everyone as Paul the Golden Skinned History Professor pushes her chair in for her. He takes the seat next to Alex and immediately covers her hand with his. Matt glares at their joined fingers while Karen leans across the table and compliments Alex on her dress. The two chat for a few moments before Alex begins to introduce Paul to everyone around the table.

"This is Karen," she says, gesturing to the redhead. "And that's Arthur. They're my onscreen mummy and daddy."

Karen laughs, delighted. "I've heard a lot about you, Paul."

"Good things, I hope," Paul says, smiling and Matt scrutinizes his white teeth. Too white. It's

unnatural to have teeth so white.

"Definitely," Karen says. "You're apparently quite the catch."

Paul glances at Alex with an embarrassed smile. "Glad to hear it."

Alex smiles and looks away, picking up her glass of champagne. Matt watches her gulp it down, watching her throat flex and following the lines of her neck across her collarbones and into her ample cleavage. Fingers tight on his glass, he briefly lets himself remember happier times, when he trailed kisses down the same path his eyes just took and how she would laugh breathlessly and whisper how much she wanted him and could he please just hurry up?

Tearing his eyes away from her before anyone notices the focus of his gaze, Matt downs another scotch. The waiter automatically brings him another and by this time, Alex and Karen have finished chatting and Alex is introducing Paul to everyone else. After she mentions Steven and Sue, and Karen's boyfriend, she hesitates as her eyes meet Matt's for the first time all evening. She has been deliberately avoiding his gaze and it's been driving him mad. Now, though, with her green eyes boring into his, he almost wishes she would look away again. Her eyes are just an intense and beautiful as he remembers and the urge to kiss her until they flutter shut is just as strong as it has always been.

Looking away from her, Matt takes another gulp.

"And this is Matt," Alex says, once again not looking at him. She glances at Paul now, smiling. "And his wife Daisy."

"Your onscreen husband," Matt says before he can stop himself, tone a little chilly. No one seems to notice but Alex, whose eyes widen and Daisy, who glances at him sharply. "Isn't that right, sweetie?"

Offering him a strained smile – he recognizes that smile; it used to mean he would be in handcuffs for his cheek later but now, without that playful light in her eyes, it just means she doesn't even want to be in the same room with him – Alex tightens her fingers around Paul's and says, "Yes. Matthew's my fake husband."

Flinching at the use of his full name and the word 'fake', Matt forces his eyes from her and to the tablecloth, ignoring Daisy's questioning stare as he finishes his third scotch of the night.

After dinner and Matt's fourth scotch, a band begins to play on the stage in the front of the room and Karen pulls her boyfriend out onto the floor and Sue makes Steven get up as well. Daisy looks at Matt like she wants to dance but Alex is still sipping her first glass of champagne and Paul's arm is around her shoulders. He can't leave. He doesn't want to look at them anymore because it only makes him angry and tears at the gaping hole in his chest but he cannot bring himself to stop watching.

Alex won't look at him, talking to Arthur and Paul, pretending she can't sense his eyes on her. Arthur keeps shooting him warning glances, silently conveying that he's being too obvious. Matt doesn't care.

"So Paul," he says, when there is a lull in the conversation. "A history teacher, right?"

Paul nods. "That's right."

"Salome's history teacher?"

"No," Paul says. "I teach high school history."

"Interesting," he says, his tone conveying just the opposite. "And you've met Salome, have you? You like her? You like kids, Paul?"

Glancing at Alex, who stares silently at the tablecloth, hand tight around the stem of her champagne flute, Paul smiles warily and says, "Uh yes, I like kids. And Salome's great."

"She's brilliant," Matt corrects, eyes narrowed. He isn't looking at Paul, though. He's looking at Alex, who still refuses to acknowledge him. "Best little girl in the whole universe. And she's got the best mummy. A bloody dream, she is." He points a finger at him, still holding his glass as the ice clinks against the sides. "And you, Paul the history teacher, had better bloody well remember it, do you understand me?"

"Matt," Daisy says, laying a hand on his arm. "Stop it."

The sound of her voice is enough to make him falter. He had forgotten she was there. It probably wasn't the best idea to have five scotches. Or has it been four? He doesn't have time to figure it

out though because Alex pushes back her chair and retreats hastily from the room, waving Paul away and striding off with a hand over her mouth.

Arthur turns to glare at him – his face a mask of fury – and Matt is up in an instant. Daisy grabs his elbow, looking at him angrily. "Where are you going?"

"Getting another drink," he lies.

"I think you've had enough, Matt."

Matt removes her hand from his arm and says, "Why don't you let me decide when I've had enough, darling?"

Daisy stares at him and Matt stalks off, away from their table and the direction of the bar, going the way he'd seen Alex run off. The lobby is empty and so are the toilets. It takes him a while in his drunken clumsiness to make his way around the whole building but eventually he finds Alex in a deserted corridor, facing a window making up the entirety of one wall, staring into the night with a blank look on her face.

Standing at the other end of the hall, he slips his hands into his pockets and says, "You don't love him. I know you don't." He begins walking slowly toward her but she gives no indication that she even hears him. "He's -"

"Kind," Alex inserts stonily. "Handsome. Funny. A good cook. He likes me. He likes Salome. Yes, not my type at all."

"No," Matt says, reaching her side and pressing close to her, feeling the warmth of her body seeping through the fabric of his suit. If he really focuses, he can smell her perfume and that strawberry shampoo she uses on her hair. God, he misses her. "Your type is a bit younger."

Alex shoves him away from her, stepping back. "You're drunk," she says, eyes accusatory.

Matt leans against the window after regaining his balance. "I don't need to be sober to see that you don't love the man you're dating."

"No," Alex snaps. "I don't love him. But I'm trying, all right? I'm trying to move on if you would just stop - "

"He isn't good enough for you," Matt interjects, straightening furiously from his lounging position against the window, eyes fierce. "He's not nearly good enough. And you know what else? No man on earth is ever going to be bloody good enough!"

"You're married!" Alex cries. "It doesn't matter what I do! If I want to shag him in public for god's sake, it's none of your concern!" She stops, tears filling her eyes. "I can't do this, Matt. I can't."

Mouth open, Matt watches as she falls apart in front of him and he's never hated himself more. He's supposed to be better than this. He's supposed to be the one who makes her better. He puts things together for her – he makes everything okay. He isn't supposed to make it worse. This isn't him.

"Don't make me spend the rest of my life wishing every man I'm with is you," she says, tears sliding down her cheeks. Even crying, she's beautiful. Form fitting ball gown, golden ringlets around her face, and the most beautiful green eyes he will ever see no matter how long he lives. "You can't possibly want that for me, if you really love me."

"I do," he says instantly, moving forward with tears in his own eyes. "I do love you. I -"

Alex backs away from him again. "Then please," she breathes out through the tears. "Just let me move on. Can you do that, Matt? Please just let me try to be happy."

Matt can't even see her anymore through the haze of tears blurring his vision but he nods, gasping out brokenly, "Okay. Okay…I'm sorry." He turns away from her to look out the window and tries to pull himself together. He can see her reflection in the glass and she's clutching the skirts of her gown in one hand and wiping at her eyes with the other. He wants to hold her so much that his arms ache. He wants to press a kiss to the top of her head and just wrap her in his embrace. He wants to make it better. Instead, he presses a hand to her reflection in the glass and whispers, "I really do love you, Alex."

She smiles tearfully at his back. "I know you do."

The sound of heels clicking against the marble floor breaks their brief quiet moment of understanding and they both turn their heads sharply to see Daisy striding toward them, a frown

on her face.

Alex looks away from her so she won't see her red-rimmed eyes, busying herself with straightening her gown. "He's a little drunk," she says when Daisy reaches them and Matt is silently impressed with how steady her voice sounds. "Poor thing can barely stand up. You should take him home."

Before Daisy can say a word, Alex moves past her, walking off down the hallway toward the lobby. Matt doesn't watch her leave, gazing at out into the inky blackness of the night instead. He listens to Daisy's footsteps as she approaches him but he doesn't acknowledge her.

She sighs, staring a hole into the side of his head. "You're a bastard, Matt."

"I know."

"Let's get our coats and leave," she says, taking his arm.

Matt lets her lead him away, his mind too filled with Alex to protest. He just wants to go home, sleep off the wretched hangover he's going to have in the morning and forget everything about this night but how Alex stills smells as wonderful as he remembers, and the way her body had felt pressed against his, however briefly.

When they reach the lobby, Paul is helping Alex into her coat. He doesn't look at Matt, focusing instead on Alex. He smoothes her coat over her frame and she smiles at him over her shoulder. Because he's a glutton for punishing himself, Matt wonders if they'll go back to their hotel and undress. If they'll make love under hotel sheets, like he still remembers so vividly.

The thought of some other man touching Alex that way, pleasuring her and seeing her beautiful body naked, watching her fall apart beneath him and hearing that wonderful moan…Matt shakes the thought away because if he doesn't, his stomach full of scotch is going to be emptied into the nearest potted plant.

As Daisy wrestles him into his coat, irritation in her every movement, Matt watches Alex and Paul move toward the door. Paul wraps an arm around her, leading her out into the night. Matt was supposed to be the one to witness all those things – the way Alex bit her lip when he teased her, the way her hands scrabbled at his back when he didn't go fast enough for her, the way her fingers clung to his hair and her back arched when he mouthed her neck – and instead he has to watch someone else walk away with the love of his life, his arm around her waist.

Suddenly and without warning, Matt turns and retches into the potted fern by the door. Daisy groans and begins to pat his back as he heaves up liquid onto the poor unsuspecting plant. Eyes watering, Matt grips the edge of the pot and tries to keep from falling to the floor, just wishing it could be so easy to get rid of the wasting disease called Alex Kingston.

XxX

The car ride to the hotel is filled with awkward meaningful silence, occasionally punctuated by Paul glancing in her direction. Alex ignores his stares, gazing out the window of their taxi and wondering if her heart will ever stop racing. Her encounter with Matt has left her reeling. His eyes when he'd seen her walk in with Paul. Those three little words, stated vehemently at first and then whispered as he stared out the window in that lonely corridor.

He still loves her.

Blinking back tears, Alex lets out a quiet breath. He'd looked at her like she held his very heart in the palms of her hands and she'd never felt so fiercely protective in her life. She'd wanted to kiss him then; wanted to wrap her arms around him and feel his body pressed against hers once more. It scares her that the only reason she didn't wasn't because he's married but because he'd been drunk.

She shudders to think what would have happened in that hallway if Matt hadn't had too much to drink. Staring out at the busy London streets, Alex feels Paul take her hand in his but all she can think of is capturing Matt's lips in a hungry kiss and shoving him against the window in that damned corridor. She thinks of his roaming hands on her and his quiet moan against her mouth and shuts her eyes, covering them with a shaking hand.

"It's him, isn't it?"

Paul's voice in her ear brings Alex back from her horrible, wonderful imaginings and instantly into harsh reality – like a bucket of water washing away a pretty sidewalk painting. Turning from the window, she sees him watching her with a resigned expression on his face.

"What?"

"The reason your smile never reaches your eyes," Paul says. "The reason you've been staring out

the window for the last ten minutes like you can't decide whether you want to smile or cry. It's him."

Alex opens her mouth to respond but nothing comes out, so she shuts it again, staring at him in bewilderment. Eyes wide, she pulls her hand from his and tries again. "Paul, I'm not- "

He shakes his head, smiling gently. "I know you're not seeing him now. You would never. Not while he's with her. I don't know what went on between you two before but it's obvious neither one of you has let go yet."

Alex swallows heavily, feeling her eyes begin to water. "I have," she says, even as her voice cracks. "I have let go, Paul. I don't love him."

Paul smiles; looking at her like she has just proved his point. "I never said you did, Alex."

Alex feels a tear slip down her cheek and Paul's thumb catches it, sweeping it away when he cups her face in his hand. "It doesn't mean anything," she says. "He's married and I'm too old for him anyway."

"He doesn't seem to think so," Paul says and Alex pulls away from his touch, shaking her head. "Alex -"

"No," she says, wiping at her eyes. "This is ridiculous. That part of my life is over."

"Alright," Paul says, nodding slowly as their cab pulls up to the hotel entrance. He gets out of the car and Alex waits, breathing deeply as he walks around to her side of the car and opens the door for her. She steps out, letting him take her arm and lead her inside.

They don't say another word as they walk through the hotel lobby and make their way to the elevators. The silence between them is only interrupted by the irritatingly calm music playing in the lift and the hum of machinery as it reaches their floor. Walking side by side down the hall, they reach their room and slide the card through the lock before entering, shutting the door silently behind them.

Alex shrugs out of her coat and tosses it onto a nearby chair, running a tired hand through her hair and turning to him. "I mean it, Paul," she says, and her voice is stronger now. "What I had with Matt…it's over. Nothing's going on. Matt was just drunk tonight and -"

"And you still couldn't look at him without your eyes lighting up," Paul interrupts, and Alex falls silent, stunned. He steps closer to her, placing his hands on her shoulders. "You're still waiting for him; whether you realize it or not. I can see it in your eyes." He leans forward, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. "But I like you, Alex. A lot. And I'm not going anywhere. I'll still be here when waiting gets old."

Oh. That isn't at all where she thought this conversation was headed. Alex had been sure Paul was breaking up with her after that scene at the banquet. Now, as he bends his head and presses his lips against hers, she doesn't know if she's relieved or disappointed. She shouldn't be disappointed that the lovely man she's dating isn't breaking up with her.

Alex may be rusty at this dating business, but she definitely knows that.

It takes her a moment to react to his kiss in her confusion but eventually, Alex wraps her arms around his neck and presses her mouth firmly against his. There's nothing there. It's like kissing a stranger on the street – no passion, no urgency, no pressing desire to rid him of his clothes and cover every inch of his naked skin with her tongue. Just a vague feeling of affection. It had taken some getting used to, after the almost animalistic fervor she had felt with Matt. But it hadn't been just lust. It had been everything – love for everything about him and everything he did and was.

Paul's hand slips from her cheek, along her arm and around to her back, fiddling with the zipper on her dress. He slides the zip down and steps back, watching her black gown pool at her feet. Without pausing to take in her half-naked form, his hands are on her again and she lets out a quiet moan that she doesn't truly feel.

Paul is a great guy but his touch doesn't set her on fire. She's starting to think that feeling had been exclusive to Matt. It hadn't happened before him and it will probably never happen again. Everyone else is so bland when she compares them to him and how he made her feel. But Alex isn't about to let him ruin her for other men, just because they can't ignite some unknown passion in her with a mere glance. So she makes do.

His mouth leaves hers to trail down her chest and she forces her hands to his belt, undoing it and reaching for the button on his trousers. She swallows back the stale taste his kiss always leaves in her mouth and pants into his neck while he unclips her bra, flinging it away and turning his attention back to her.

One hand cupping her breast, he slides the other into her hair and begins to kiss along her jaw, murmuring about how much he wants her and asking if she has any idea what she does to him.

Shutting her eyes, Alex brings his lips to hers and kisses him again, if only so she doesn't have to respond.

Paul is a great guy but even after all this time, it still isn't enough.

Chapter End Notes

Charina has already told me she hates me so I'm ready for the verbal abuse if you all need to get your feelings out. Haha Thanks for commenting! Chapter title from Red's Pieces.

Here comes my fare thee well

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

"What? No!"

"Yes! They're amazing!"

"You've got to be kidding me." Arthur stares at Karen for a long moment while she stares back unflinchingly. "Coldplay is not better than Mumford and Sons, you absolute loon."

"I like them!" Karen insists, unwavering in her loyalty.

"Are you just saying that because you're not deep enough to understand Mumford's lyrics?" Arthur asks, and Karen tosses a saltshaker at him, gasping in indignation.

Matt smiles slightly at their usual antics, but tonight, even their bickering cannot distract him from the woman sitting next to him in the booth. Daisy stares silently at the table top, fingers drumming against her short skirt. She hadn't uttered a word of protest when he suggested they go out with Karen and Arthur tonight, and her unusual compliance is a little worrying.

They haven't talked about that what happened at the banquet that night two weeks ago. It's like the giant elephant in the room they're doing their best to ignore. After Matt had finished emptying his stomach of scotch, Daisy had driven them both home and put him to bed without a word. The next morning, she acted as though nothing at all had happened. Matt had been hungover but he definitely remembers glaring at Paul and spouting angry, drunken words.

He remembers Alex and her desperate plea. He remembers telling her he loved her. Daisy had to have been furious, especially when he threw up in that plant, but she doesn't ever mention it. Instead, she's more distant than she used to be. She doesn't cuddle up to him at night and she doesn't reach for his hand when they're out together. It's a subtle difference but Matt notices. Normally, he'd be happy Daisy isn't all over him but after what happened at the banquet, he just feels like a prick.

At the same time, however, Daisy smiles more often now. She barely touches him anymore and while they haven't had a real conversation in quite some time, now they barely speak unless they have to. It's like they're living separately but under the same roof. Yet, she seems happier than

she's been since their honeymoon. Matt knows she's probably seeing someone else. There's no other explanation that makes sense.

It's surprising, how little he cares. He cheated before they were married and Daisy's cheating now. It's only fair, really - especially since Matt is in love with another woman; whether he's touched her since he married Daisy or not. His marriage is essentially over and he knows it. Daisy could bring her new bloke home with her and he wouldn't even bat an eye.

Daisy's a beautiful girl and far too good for him. He'd known she wouldn't put up with his bullshit forever.

"Matt," Arthur interrupts his musings and Matt snaps his gaze from a spot on the table to give his friends his full attention.

"Hmm?"

"Please tell her Mumford and Sons have better lyrics than Coldplay."

Matt shrugs. "More of a Thom Yorke man, myself."

Arthur frowns at him like he's showing signs of mental affliction and he's concerned for Matt's wellbeing. "Thom Yorke is a whole different class of amazing. Hardly counts. It's like comparing apples to a bloody chocolate pie. Where are you tonight?"

Shaking his head, smile rueful, Matt runs a hand through his hair and sighs. "Sorry, mate. Not thinking clearly."

"You aren't the only one," Karen says, scowling down at her phone. "Can you believe this? Alex is thinking about breaking up with Paul."

"What?" Matt asks, and instantly, Daisy's eyes are on him. She hasn't paid so much attention to the conversation all evening. He swallows back the multitude of questions on the tip of his tongue and sits back in the booth, slouching and trying not to look too interested.

Karen shakes her head, typing out a quick message. "Hang on, I'm just telling her she's crazy."

Done, she puts her phone back on the table and sighs heavily. "I don't know what she's thinking. Paul's so good for her."

Matt says nothing. Arthur avoids his gaze entirely, Karen is totally oblivious to the sudden tension, and Daisy is still looking at him meaningfully. He knows without a doubt now that Daisy knows. She might not have known before, but he had certainly given himself away at that dinner.

After a long moment, Daisy looks away, going back to staring at the table like she'd never stopped. Arthur pushes another drink in Matt's direction without looking at him and Matt hopes Arthur can feel his silent gratitude as he gulps down another ale.

XxX

When they make it home that night, it's late and he and Daisy have barely exchanged a word. He'd caught her staring at her phone screen and smiling on the ride home, and as Matt tosses the car keys onto the coffee table in the living room, he turns to Daisy and just says it.

"I can't do this anymore, Daze."

Still in the process of shedding her coat, Daisy freezes. In her hand, her phone buzzes but she ignores it. "What?" Her voice sounds shaky but Matt can tell she knows what he's talking about.

Sinking down onto the sofa, head in his hands, he says quietly, "I can't pretend we're happily married anymore. I act all day. I don't want to do it when I get home too." He swallows, licking his lips, before raising his head to meet her stunned gaze. "I want out."

Pale and shaken, Daisy stares at him silently for a long moment before her mouth thins and she says, "Going back to your girlfriend now that she's having problems with the history teacher?"

"Stop it," he says, voice going cold.

"How long has that been going on anyway?" She asks, unflinching in the face of his glare. "Come on, Matt, you can tell me. How long have you been fucking someone old enough to be your mother?"

Before Matt can suppress of his rage, he reaches out a hand and swipes the crystal vase off the coffee table as he jumps to his feet. "Don't you fucking dare," he says, and Daisy recoils as the glass shatters all over the floor. "And there is nothing going on between me and Alex."

"Not now, maybe," she concedes. "But when we were dating, right? When did you stop? Our wedding day?"

"Yeah, because you're so damn perfect," he snaps, but he doesn't try to deny his affair with Alex. Daisy isn't an idiot; she'd seen everything she needed to see two weeks ago. "Who have you been texting all night?"

"Oh, like you have any right to point your finger at me!" Daisy shouts, tears filling her eyes. "Like you have any fucking right!"

"I stopped seeing Alex before we even got engaged!" Matt yells, and he looks pointedly at Daisy's phone as it buzzes again. "At least I'm not seeing someone while I'm married."

"Maybe you haven't cheated while we've been married," Daisy says, voice tearful. "But you might as well have! Emotionally, you're constantly somewhere else. I've tried so hard not to see it, but it's always there. I just didn't know why until recently." She runs a hand through her hair, tears slipping down her cheeks. "The way you looked at her when she walked in…I have no idea why I didn't see it before. Didn't want to, I guess."

Matt stares at her, unmoving. The guilt is debilitating.

"Everything made sense after that," she sniffles, trying to compose herself even as her eyes continue to water and tears stream down her face. "How protective you are of her when I mention her, how careful you are never to touch her unless you're acting as the Doctor. Why we never went out with your friends if Alex was going to be there. You didn't want her to see us together." She laughs brokenly. "Sweet, if you think about it."

Tears in his eyes and a knot in his chest, Matt watches Daisy wrap her arms around herself and cry. "I'm sorry," he whispers, knowing it isn't enough.

"How?" She asks in a choked voice. "How can you want her? What can she possibly give you?"

He swallows around the lump in his throat. Everything. Alex gives him everything he'll ever need

with just a glance. But that's not what Daisy needs to hear right now, and it's not why he's asking for a divorce. Their problems are bigger than infidelity. "I don't want out because of Alex, Daisy. It has nothing to do with her and everything to do with how not right we are for each other."

Daisy scoffs, shaking her head.

"We make each other miserable!" He shouts. "Don't you see that? Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?"

And it's true. Every word. Matt may love Alex more than he's ever loved anyone in his life but even if he never sees her again, he doesn't want to be this person. He doesn't want to be who he has become.

Daisy doesn't answer him, staring at the floor and sniffling.

He sighs. "I'm just tired of fighting. I'm tired of being unhappy, and of seeing you unhappy. You deserve better than me, Daze." He smiles weakly when she looks up, meeting his eyes through the tears in hers. "We both deserve to be with someone we love and who loves us. We're too young to settle."

His words seemed to have their affect on Daisy, who sinks slowly to the floor and stays there, covering her face. They don't say anything for a long time but when she finally speaks, her voice is strained. "You should be with her, Matt."

"Daisy," Matt starts, "Don't - "

"I've found a great guy. He looks at me like I used to wish you would." She raises her head and laughs humorlessly. "The way you look at her."

He says nothing but the pain in his eyes must be evident because Daisy looks away, resting her cheek against her knee.

"You love her," she says softly. "I don't understand it, but you do. Maybe I always knew…deep down. Maybe that's why I've never liked her."

Matt doesn't try to deny loving Alex; it's something he'll never lie about. It's something he wishes he could tell everyone – even strangers on the street. He thinks of her smile, her laughter. Her hand in his and the way she used to wrinkle her nose when she thought he was being silly. Not loving her had never been an option.

Daisy wipes at her nose and turns her head, resting her chin on her knees. Her red-rimmed eyes meet his and she breathes in deeply. "You should be with her, if she's so important that not even marriage to someone else can take away what you feel for her."

Standing in the middle of his living room, looking down at his heartbroken wife telling him to go to the woman he really loves, Matt wonders if any man in existence has ever felt so low. "Daze, Alex isn't -" He stops, his voice coming out raspy. He wants to say that Alex won't have him, that Alex is with Paul, that he doesn't deserve to have Daisy be nice to him. Not now. Not after everything. He wants to open his mouth and say all of this but his voice won't seem to cooperate.

Daisy ignores him, her stare piercing. "I may hate you right now," she says. "But I don't want to see you miserable, Matt. I've found someone who loves me, and everyone deserves that kind of happiness. Even you."

Tears blur his vision and he chokes out, "I'm sorry, Daisy. I'm sorry I buggered things up for us."

"Don't be," she says, and though he can't see her through his watering eyes, he can hear the tears in her voice. "If you ever really loved me, you wouldn't have touched her in the first place."

Matt can think of nothing to say to that, so he doesn't say anything. Instead, he sinks down onto the sofa again and buries his head in his hands. Daisy remains on the floor for a while, staring at the grains in the hardwood floor. The only sound in the now quiet house is the ticking of the grandfather clock down the hallway.

After a while, Daisy gets to her feet and walks over to him. She hesitates only a moment before sitting down next to him, touching a hand to his shoulder. Matt immediately wraps his arms around her, pulling her into him and burying his face in her shoulder. Daisy presses her face into his neck and he feels her damp eyelashes flutter against his skin.

In the silence of their living room, they hold each other and breathe in their last painful moment together as husband and wife. That night, Daisy packs her bags and Matt goes to bed alone, his wedding ring on the nightstand beside him.

XxX

Before the rumors begin and tell the people he cares about what's going on in his life before he can, Matt gathers his courage and breaks the news to his family that he's divorcing his wife. The look on his mum and dad's faces when he tells them are something he will never forget. His mother had just wanted him to find someone and have a family, and he knows she'd been hoping Daisy would be the one he settled down with. A year-long marriage probably wasn't what she had in mind when he told her he'd proposed to Daisy. He hates disappointing his parents, but this is his life and they understand that. They'll support him no matter what he does and they just want him to be happy. It feels good to have that kind of unconditional love in the midst of the wreck he's made of his life.

Arthur isn't at all surprised when he tells him, but he squeezes Matt's shoulder in sympathy and says, "I'm sorry, mate."

"Don't be," Matt nudges him affectionately, amazed that he can show any sympathy at all after what he's watched Matt put Alex through. "You and I both knew it wouldn't last long. You knew before I married her that it was a mistake."

"Are you…"Arthur trails off like he doesn't want to finish his sentence, but Matt lifts an eyebrow encouragingly and he plows on, "Have you told Alex?"

"No," Matt shakes his head grimly. "She's with Paul; she's happy. I promised her I would leave her alone and I'm going to."

Arthur says nothing and Matt thinks he's probably grateful Alex is still free to find someone who isn't such a wanker. He doesn't blame him.

Whatever had gotten into Alex that night when she was texting Karen at the pub, it seems to have passed because Karen brings in pictures on her phone, letting him see Paul with his arms wrapped around Salome in Alex's back garden. Matt had offered Karen a weak smile and turned away, an uncomfortable knot in his chest.

Maybe Salome will get a stepfather after all. Someone who can be a father to her and not a friend. Someone who can take care of her and her mother, and be there like he never could be.

He goes to Karen's flat next, showing up on her doorstep late in the evening and hoping her boyfriend isn't around because she'd smacked him last time for not calling first and interrupting.

She opens the door in flannel pajamas and her hair pulled sloppily onto the top of her head and Matt can't help but grin despite the bad news he brings. Bless her; Kaz always manages to amuse him, even unintentionally.

Hand on her hip, she leans against the doorframe and frowns at him. "Alright. You're here past dinner without your usual chocolate offering and you've got puppy dog eyes. Have a fight with Daisy?"

Damn her.

"Erm," he scratches the back of his neck awkwardly and meets her eyes. "Something like that. It's over, Kaz. We're getting a divorce."

Eyes widening, Karen gasps and yanks him inside her flat by the collar of his shirt, shutting the door behind them. "What?" Her voice is almost shrill and he winces. "Are you sure?"

He snorts. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I was there."

"No," she shakes her head in annoyance. "I mean are you sure you're not just hitting a rough patch or something? Maybe it was just a bad row and you can still work things out."

"We can't work this out, Kaz," he sighs, leaning against her flat door and running a hand over his face.

"Why?" She asks, eyes searching his face. "Couldn't you try counseling or something? I thought you were happy? For God's sake Matt, it's only been a year! At least try!"

"I have tried!" He shouts, dropping his hand. "I've been bloody well trying since my sodding wedding day Kaz, and I'm tired!"

For a long moment, silence stretches between them as Karen stares at him with wide eyes and Matt glares at the floor. "Okay," she says finally, taking a deep breath. "We need booze."

Matt lifts his eyes slowly from the floor and smiles weakly.

They wind up sitting across from each other on her kitchen floor, passing a bottle between them. Karen doesn't start in on him right away, though he can tell she wants to. Instead, she waits until they've had about five sips of wine each before squaring her shoulders and looking straight at him, her expression business-like but somehow still sympathetic.

"I know you're hiding something from me," she starts, and he doesn't protest. "I know you, Matt. And you've had your lying face on whenever you're around me for over a year."

He stares at her, dumbfounded, the bottle of wine gripped tightly in his hand.

"I know you think I'm just daft Karen but just because I haven't said anything doesn't mean I don't notice when something's bothering one of my best friends, okay?" She prods at his leg with her foot and meets his eyes carefully. "Now…does your lying face have anything to do with Alex's lying face?"

It feels like someone has just punched Matt in the stomach but Karen just blinks up at him like she'd asked him if she would need an umbrella when she went out.

"What are you -?"

"Lying face, Matt," she says sternly. "I can see it right now."

He scowls, wondering when he became so transparent, and says nothing.

"Alright," she says slowly. "Let's try this, then. Why are you and Daisy getting a divorce?"

"Because we're not happy," he answers honestly. "We're not right for each other."

"And when did you figure this out?"

He glances up at her with a pained smile. "Before I married her."

Karen refuses to let the surprise show on her face and merely squints at him instead. "Then why did you?"

He shrugs.

"Matt."

If he tells her, she'll hate him. She's his best mate and she'll hate him for lying to her, for hurting Alex, for hurting Daisy. For buggering up his whole life and never saying a word. But she's looking at him so earnestly and after all the time he's been keeping things from her, he knows that she deserves to know the truth.

"I was trying to get over someone," he says quietly. "It was stupid but I was heartbroken and I didn't know what else to do."

Karen inhales sharply, eyes narrowed. "Alex. You were seeing Alex before you married Daisy, weren't you?"

Wretched, he nods.

"Oh my god, Matt!" She stares at him like she's never seen him before and it's exactly what he'd been afraid of. "Did you break up with her? What the hell is wrong with you? Hasn't she been through enough? She's our Alex for God's sake and you just - "

He glances up sharply. "If I broke up with her, I wouldn't have been heartbroken and trying to get over her, would I? She pushed me away."

Karen stops mid-tirade and frowns. "But that's not right. The way she looked when I saw her the night before your wedding, it was like somebody had taken her heart and stomped all over it." She glares. "Which makes sense now!"

Shutting his eyes briefly, Matt swallows hard. "I told her I loved her, Kaz. And she left."

Karen doesn't say anything for a long moment and when he looks up, he finds her looking at him oddly. "Y-you loved her?"

He laughs quietly, painfully. "Love. I love her. Present tense."

Without a word, Karen scoots across her kitchen floor and sits next to him, her leg pressed against his as she joins him in leaning back against the refrigerator. She takes the wine bottle from him and swallows a large mouthful, wiping the back of her hand when she's finished.

"Okay," she says breathing deeply. "Start at the beginning."

So he tells her. Everything. Well, not everything. There are some things he'd rather were kept between himself and Alex, but for the most part, he doesn't hide much. He tells her how infatuated he'd been with Alex from the beginning, how that infatuation started turning into something more after their set kisses. How he'd gone to her that night and changed everything. The way it started out as just sex and then he'd fallen for Alex and her little girl hard, and there'd been no turning back. But he'd scared her away. Alex, who thought she wasn't enough for him, who mistakenly thought he'd be happier with someone else. He tells her how he'd pined after her for months before proposing to Daisy in a desperate attempt to move on with his life.

And Karen already knows how very badly that had gone.

After she is through telling him what a pillock he is and berating him for waiting so long to tell her, Karen cradles the half empty bottle of wine to her chest and refuses to share it with him. "God, I just wished I'd hugged her more, y'know?" She turns to glare at him. "Because apparently she needed it, thanks to your idiot face."

She punches him hard on the arm and Matt yelps, rubbing at the tender spot but Karen doesn't look sorry at all.

"That was stupid, Matt," she says, shaking her head. "It was stupid and irresponsible and you've hurt a lot of people."

"I know," he says softly, his head down. "I wish I could take it all back but I can't. So I'm trying to do the right thing now, letting Daisy find someone who can love her the way she deserves."

"And you?" Karen asks, leaning her head back against the fridge and watching him closely. "Are

you going to try to find someone else?"

He shakes his head, inwardly scoffing at the very idea. "There isn't anyone else."

She sighs. "Well if you're so bloody damn sure, why are you sitting here? Go get your damn woman."

Snorting, he picks at a hole in his jeans and feels warmth flood through him. She may think he's an idiot but she's still his best mate. He doesn't know why he'd been so afraid to tell her. "I can't. She's with Paul. And even if she weren't, she wouldn't want me. Not after everything."

"Oh please," Karen scoffs. "Of course she would. She loves you, you jerk. You know it, I know it. Hell, I bet Paul knows it by now. I think she's just scared."

"I promised I would leave her alone," he says. "Let her move on."

Karen shakes her head. "If you're honestly going to let the love of your life get away without a fight, then maybe you don't deserve her. Alex should have somebody who'll do anything to get her back. She's fabulous and amazing and she deserves someone who knows it."

He raises his head, glaring at her. "Yes, thank you. I know she's brilliant. She deserves a hell of a lot better than me."

"You love her, yes?"

He nods.

"More than anyone else? Better than anyone else?"

He straightens. "No one loves her like I do."

Karen nods, raising the bottle of wine to her lips. "And that's what she deserves."

Chapter End Notes

Gah, sorry for not replying to comments this time around but I've just been busier than usual. But please be aware that I love you all and your comments. You're the best! Chapter title from The Fray's Vienna.

Maybe I'll be the lucky one

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

In the coming days, the news of Matt's impending divorce breaks and the press follows him everywhere trying to get a quote and an explanation besides 'irreconcilable differences'. He keeps his head down, wears a beanie cap and sunglasses whenever he goes out, and doesn't say a word. Daisy fares no better, the press hounding her every move as well, but she sticks to their agreement to remain silent.

Alex comes back to film for the finale and she brings Salome with her. Matt outright grins at the sight of them walking onto set their first day before he remembers the way he left things with Alex

– a drunken confession of love after embarrassing her at that dinner. She probably hates him.

Salome beams when she spots him, relinquishing Alex's hand and bounding toward him, arms outstretched. Matt laughs delightedly when she throws herself into his arms. He catches her easily, lifting her into the air and spinning around, feeling lighter than he has in months when she giggles and clings to him.

"I missed you, Matty," Salome says, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Oh, I've missed you too, poppet," he says, breathing in the scent of freshly laundered cotton and crayons. "You have no idea."

"I've been keeping my promise," Salome whispers into his ear and Matt tightens his grip on her, watching Alex stare at them from across the room. "I've been taking care of mom, like you said."

Matt closes his eyes and presses a kiss to the top of Salome's head. "I'm glad, poppet. Thank you." Pulling back, he offers her a big smile and says, "Now, why don't you find Steven and pester him while I go say hello to your mummy, eh?"

Salome grins. "Okay."

Slipping from his grasp, she scurries off in the direction of Steven's loud Scottish voice and Matt turns to look at Alex again. She hasn't moved from her place just inside the door, watching him warily. Hands in his pockets, he lopes over to her with hesitation in his every step. Alex seems to relax when she realizes he's just as nervous as she is, uncrossing her arms and offering him a small

smile.

"Hello," he says quietly when he reaches her.

Alex glances at the floor, hands clasping her handbag tightly. "Hi."

Clearing his throat and reaching up to rub the back of his neck awkwardly, Matt says, "I'm sorry, Alex. About what happened. I was drunk and horribly rude to Paul and I - "

"It's okay," she says, lifting her eyes to his. "Really. Let's just…start over."

"Right," Matt nods, glancing around the room and doing his best not to look at her because if he does, he isn't sure he could ever look away, now that there's nothing stopping him. He wants so much to just pull her into his arms and kiss her until she forgets all about that history teacher from California. "So I made a good first impression on Paul, then?"

Alex laughs dryly. "Oh yes. He finds you very charming."

"Well," Matt says loftily. "I've been told I'm irresistible."

"About as irresistible and blameless as a puppy chewing on a slipper," she says, watching Salome wander back to them, dragging Steven behind her.

Matt looks at her and smiles.

XxX

The next time he sees her that day; she looks at him with pained eyes and a pale face. He can only guess that someone has told her about his divorce. He's been trying to keep it from her; afraid she might look at him exactly like that. He doesn't want her to feel uncomfortable around him. He wants her to feel free to laugh with him again, like she had this morning. He has missed her laugh so damned much.

He sighs when she sits down next to him on the steps outside his trailer. "You don't have to worry," he says. "I'm not going to jump you or something just because I'm getting a divorce."

"Don't be stupid," she says angrily. "You should have said something."

"Why?" He asks, turning to glance at her. "So you can look at me like that? I thought we were starting over."

"If we're going to be friends again, then I should know you're divorcing your wife," Alex says, scowling at her knees.

"I couldn't tell you," he says, joining her in staring at her knees. He loves those knees, and fond memories of placing tickling kisses against them flash before his eyes.

"Why not?"

"You know why," he says softly and he hears Alex draw in a sharp breath.

"Yes," she whispers. "I suppose I do…I'm sorry, Matt. Divorce is never easy."

Matt sneaks a glance at her to see her watching him with genuine concern. "I'm fine. Honestly." He smiles gently. "It…it was inevitable. We weren't right for each other. We both knew it."

He wants her to ask who is right for him so he can tell her 'you, always and only you'. He wants to reach for her hand, and for a moment, he starts to. He wants to pull her into him, bury his hands in those curls he misses so much, and kiss her breathless. He wants to hear that wonderful quiet noise she makes when he pleasantly surprises her with a good snog. And then he remembers Paul and stops his hand from reaching out to hers, pulling it back into his lap. Despite the way Karen's words reverberate in his head, he'd promised he would allow Alex to move on and be happy, and he won't break a promise to her. Not after everything he's already put her through.

And so they sit there together on the steps for a long time not looking at each other and never touching, the silence and the distance yawning wide between them.

XxX

Salome still has some of the sketching paper he'd bought her before she left last time, months ago. On a particularly warm day, he takes her outside with her colored pencils and they sit on a picnic bench during one of his breaks and sketch together. Matt has been spending time with her as often as he possibly can since filming started a week ago. Her presence in his life has been missed more than he can say, and having her across from him, biting her lip in concentration as she draws a picture of him standing next to the TARDIS and a rainbow colored badger, it's like his birthday has come early.

Across the lot, Alex is pacing back and forth between the trailers – on her mobile to Paul, apparently. She's still in costume, though she's finished filming for the day. Wearing River's customary green dress and boots, she looks frazzled as she speaks into her phone. She turns in his direction and he quickly averts his gaze back to the page in front of him.

Deciding on a red pencil next, he picks it up and begins to color. Across from him, Salome pauses in her drawing to reach a hand into the bag of marshmallows between them, pulling out a handful.

"Matty?" She asks, popping a marshmallow into her mouth. "How come you're not married to Daisy anymore?"

He almost chokes, looking up at her with wide eyes. "Well…"

"Is it because Daisy wants babies and you don't?" Salome asks, brown eyes curious.

Matt wants to hug her. And then go find Alex and hug her too. Both of them deserve so much better than what Florian had given them. "No, sweetheart. That's not why."

Salome tilts her head. "Then why?"

"Well," he says, wiping suddenly sweaty palms on his trousers and licking his lips. "I still care about Daisy very much, but we just weren't right for each other. We didn't get along. Didn't fit, I suppose."

Salome bites her lip, looking thoughtful. "You mean she wasn't the right princess?"

Matt frowns. "What?"

"Well, it's like when Prince Charming is looking for Cinderella and the shoe wouldn't fit just anyone. Your shoe didn't fit Daisy right," Salome explains patiently. "So you gotta try someone else."

Staring at her in amusement and oddly entertained, Matt says with a twitching mouth, "I suppose so."

Salome smiles at him and turns back to her sketch, and shaking his head in bewilderment, Matt glances back to Alex. She's still pacing, head down as she speaks into her phone. He wonders if she's just having a serious conversation with Paul – maybe they're trying to decide who's going to hang up first – or if they're arguing. As much as he loves Alex and wants her to be happy, Matt doesn't know which one he would prefer. He loves Alex and he wants to be with her, but what he wants most is for Alex to be happy. And if Paul is the one to make her happy, then so be it.

"Do you like Paul?" He asks Salome, switching his gaze from Alex to her.

Salome shrugs. "Sure, he's nice." She glances up, blue colored pencil in hand. "He doesn't play with me like you do, though."

Matt smiles, feeling his heart swell. "Well, not everyone understands how much fun it is to hang out with you, poppet."

Salome beams at him.

"What about your mum?" Matt asks apprehensively. "Does he treat your mummy well?"

"I guess so," Salome says, putting another handful of marshmallows in her mouth. "He kisses her a lot."

At this, Salome makes a face and Matt has to stop himself from joining her. Instead, he tries to look like an interested adult.

"But mom never kisses him first. And one time, I saw her wipe her mouth when he turned away."

Giggling like she's never heard anything funnier, Salome reaches for a different pencil but Matt feels his chest tighten at the girl's words. Oh, Alex.

"Matty, why did she do that?" Salome asks. "Is Paul contagious?"

Matt smiles weakly. "Don't worry, poppet. If Paul has cooties, he can't give them to you or your mum."

Satisfied, Salome draws whiskers on the rainbow badger, tongue poking out in concentration. "Hey Matty?"

At this point, Matt dreads whatever is going to come out of her mouth, but he responds anyway. "Yes?"

"Why don't you have mom try on your shoe? Her feet are small. It might fit."

Matt swallows hard, blinking as he stares at the page he's sketching of Salome holding hands with a panda bear. "I don't think your mummy wants to be my princess, poppet," he says softly.

"That's not true," Salome protests vehemently. "I saw her crying before she told me she couldn't be friends with you anymore."

Looking away from Salome before she can see his eyes well up, Matt hurriedly tries to blink away the tears. A warm breeze ruffles his hair and he scrubs a hand over his face, breathing evenly. Bless Salome and her innocence. She'll be the death of him.

Salome continues as if Matt hasn't turned away from her in an effort to block out her words. "She'd probably be real happy if she could be your princess. Then she'd be with you all the time and you could be friends again. Right, Matty?"

With his face turned from her, Matt sees Alex striding toward them now, still on her phone. She's frowning as she walks, gripping her phone tightly. She says something and stops, hand on her hip. It's obvious now that whatever she's talking about with Paul, she isn't enjoying the conversation.

"Look," he says, turning to Salome and putting on a bright smile. "Here comes your mum. Let's keep this talk between us, alright poppet?"

Salome nods, smiling eagerly. "It's our secret, Matty."

Alex starts walking again and when she reaches their table; she's saying her goodbyes. "No, I'm not." She sighs. "I'll talk to you later. Okay. Bye." She tosses her phone into her bag with exasperation but immediately blanks her expression when she looks up and sees Matt watching her with a raised eyebrow.

"All right?" He asks softly, and she nods. "We're having marshmallows while we draw. Would you like one?"

Alex shakes her head. "No, I'm fine. Thank you."

Salome looks up. "They're good, mom. Matty bought the rainbow kind."

"Did he?" Alex asks, glancing at him with a soft smile. "How generous of him."

"That's me," he says. "Magnanimous to a fault."

Brow furrowed, Salome asks, "What does mag-magnano -"

"Magnanimous," Alex corrects her with a laugh.

"Yeah," Salome says. "That. What's it mean?"

"It means charitable," Matt sighs, puffing out his chest just to hear Alex laugh at him. "Noble. Fair-minded. Upright. Worthy. All kinds of wonderful adjectives."

"And humble too," Alex adds with a smirk.

Matt glares at her. "Are you sure you wouldn't like a marshmallow, Kingston? They're yummy."

Alex shakes her head, eyebrows raised. "They're all yours."

"Ah, but see," Matt says, hand inching toward the bag. "I really think you should have a handful."

With a flourish, Matt tosses a handful at Alex, laughing loudly when she yelps in surprise and stumbles back, tiny marshmallows caught in her curls. "Matt!" She shouts, laughing through her anger.

Salome giggles along with him, holding up her hand, and Matt gives her a high-five. It had been necessary, really. Whatever had happened with Paul on the phone, it had left her with that lost look in her eyes that he hates. That look that says all is not right in her world and she's hurting. He can't help her anymore. But he can make her laugh and forget, just for a while.

Still laughing, her cheeks flushed beautifully and her green eyes sparkling, Alex says, "You'll pay for that, Smith." She lurches forward with startling speed, snatching the bag of marshmallows from the table and upending the whole thing over his head. Salome cackles with laughter, tears in her eyes as marshmallows rain down on Matt's head.

When the bag is empty, Alex steps back, hand on her hip. "Well? What do you have to say for yourself?"

Reaching up a hand to swipe the marshmallows in his hair away, Matt looks up at her with a smirk. "I'll give you a five second head start. Better start running, Kingston."

Her eyes widen as he starts counting.

"One."

"What? What are you going to do? The bag is empty!"

"Two."

"Mom," Salome says, pointing to the extra bag at Matt's side – the jumbo bag.

"Three."

"Oh bloody hell," she says, caught between laughter and horror.

"Four."

Matt stands and Alex shrieks with laughter, running to Salome on the other side of the table. She pulls up her daughter, letting her cling to her hand and giggle as Alex begins to sprint across the lot, darting between trailers. The crew and extras turn to watch her with befuddled looks until Matt shouts, "Five!" and takes off after her at a run.

Karen and Arthur peek out from the makeup trailer to watch them, chuckling as Alex and Salome make a run for the parking lot. "Get 'em, Matt!" Karen shouts.

Arthur elbows her. "How much do you want to bet Alex beats him to her car?"

"Five quid?"

"You're on."

They stand at the door to the trailer and watch Alex run with Salome's hand in hers and Matt close behind them, the sound of their laughter ringing out over the lot.

XxX

After that day on set with the sketches and the marshmallows, things are easier between Matt and Alex. It's still not how it used to be, but Matt doesn't really want things to go back to the way they were before he loved her. That would be like forgetting, and he doesn't ever want to do that. He never wants to forget one second of that brief, beautiful time when he held her in his arms.

Alex stops spending a majority of her time either with Salome or hiding with Arthur in his trailer. She starts spending more time on set, like she used to. She plays cards with Karen, she laughs when Arthur and Salome give her an impromptu serenade, and she smiles at Matt when he walks onto set in the mornings. Matt is glad for her sudden change of heart because there's a long hiatus coming up and he wants to drink her in before she's gone from his life again for months.

He spends a lot of time studying the way her hair curls and spirals every which way, the way her whole face lights up when she smiles, her tiny waist and those magnificent curves. He memorizes her all over again, remembering how to make her laugh and delighting in the way she grins unabashedly at him when he does so.

Before long, they're almost comfortable around each other again. So close to being comfortable, in fact, that Matt invites Alex to his trailer one evening to go over lines before their very last day of filming.

At the moment, she's slouched in the chair across from his bed; feet propped up on a stack of hardback books and battered script in hand as she silently goes over the scene in front of her. Reclining on his bed, hands behind his head and script resting on his stomach, Matt turns his head and watches her. He loves the way she bites her lip when she reads, the way she twirls a strand of hair around her finger as her eyes skim the page. If she looked at him right now, he would be powerless to hide the love shining from his eyes. His adoration is written in every line of his face but he doesn't try to conceal it from her. He wants her to see it.

"Do you think Steven might let me use the cat ears this time?" She asks without looking up, and Matt blinks, turning his gaze from her.

"You and those cat ears," he says, stretching. "You're obsessed, you are."

"They're cute!" She insists, letting her script fall to her lap and dropping her feet from the book stack. "And River would wear them just to be cheeky!"

"Sure you're not just saying that because you want to wear cat ears?" He asks teasingly and Alex makes a face at him.

Matt laughs, dropping his hands to his stomach, so grateful in that moment that she has any part in his life at all anymore. She could hate him. She could refuse to be in the same room with him ever again, let alone the same television show. And yet here she is, sitting across from him and wrinkling her nose in that adorable way he's so fond of.

When his laughter subsides, he rolls over, swinging his legs to the side of the bed and leaning forward, elbows on his knees. Alex mimics him, smiling slightly as their knees brush. "I'm glad you're here," he says quietly.

"Me too," she whispers back, glancing away shyly before meeting his gaze again.

Matt swallows. "Alex -"

"I should go," she says abruptly, looking away once more.

"Right," he says, clearing his throat. "Of course."

Alex reaches for her script and stands up just as he does, and so close to each other, they nearly knock one another backwards. Matt reaches out quickly to steady Alex, his hands on her hips. Alex clutches at his shirt and falls forward into his chest. They stop wobbling dangerously and usually, this would be the part when they start to giggle at their own clumsiness but this is the closest Matt has been to her in almost a year except when they're acting. They try to keep a careful distance because they're all too aware of what will happen if they don't. Now, she's so near that he can feel how warm she is, smell her wonderful shampoo and the scent that is just her. Alex – cotton and vanilla and flowers.

They freeze in each other's arms and Matt closes his eyes, breathing her in and pressing his face into her hair. Alex sighs into his neck, grip tightening on his shirt. Almost afraid to move for fear of breaking the moment, Matt slips his hand slowly up from her waist, grazing the side of her breast as his fingers slide up to her neck and then his hand is cupping her face.

Alex nuzzles into his palm, slowly lifting her eyes to meet his. "Matt," she whispers, shaking her head.

Matt sees the tears in her eyes and murmurs, "Sshh. It's all right."

"It isn't," she says, voice breaking. "I can't. I can't do this again."

She steps away from him and the loss of her warm body against his is like a blow to the stomach. Matt reaches for her again and Alex backs away. "Alex, please don't…"

"I'm sorry, Matt," she says softly, and the pain and regret in her eyes renders him speechless. "I just can't." Script in hand, Alex flees his trailer and doesn't look back. Matt stands there in the middle of the room, feeling an overwhelming sense of loss.

All that hard work, easing himself gradually back into her life because being a friend was better than having nothing at all, and it's all gone in one moment of weakness.

The next day, they film the final scene of the season and Alex goes back to America without saying goodbye, taking Salome with her.

XxX

When she arrives back in Los Angeles, Alex knows what she has to do. It had been the second time she almost cheated on Paul with Matt, and this time, it would have been so much easier to justify. Matt hadn't been drunk this time, and he's going through a divorce. No one would fault her for letting him kiss her in his trailer that night.

And oh, how she'd wanted to just melt into his arms. If she had let him, he would have picked her up and carried her to his bed and made love to her again, right there in his trailer. It would have been so easy to give in and finally have what she's wanted since she left him standing in a hotel room with a broken hand and tears in his eyes.

But just because Matt isn't with Daisy anymore, it doesn't take away her own fears. She loves Matt more than she ever thought herself capable of loving someone besides her daughter. But he's still so young and Alex can't handle the idea of him getting bored with her and leaving. She may be what he wants right now, but it couldn't last long. It never does.

And she won't be left picking up the pieces once he finally realizes she isn't what he wants after all.

Paul greets her at the airport with a single daisy for her and a bar of chocolate for Salome. Alex thanks him for the flower – resisting the urge to chuck it into a bin just for its name alone – and accepts his enthusiastic kiss with the minimum amount of returned affection.

"How was your flight?" Paul asks, taking her bags from her.

"Uneventful," Alex supplies, reaching for Salome's hand and following him as he begins to weave his way through the crowd.

Salome tugs on Alex's hand and holds out the chocolate bar Paul had given her. "Mom, can I have this later? I'm still eating my marshmallows."

Alex glances at the jumbo bag of marshmallows and refuses to let her eyes water at the sight of it. That day on set had been the happiest time she has had with Matt since they stopped seeing each other. She'd forgotten how silly he could be, and how easily he could make her laugh. She takes the chocolate from Salome and tucks it into her purse, but not before Paul looks back and sees.

"Don't like my gift?" Paul asks Salome with a laugh as they reach the doors and stride into the parking lot.

The L.A. sun is scorching and Alex groans as it shines down on them. She already misses England and its grey skies.

"I like it," Salome insists. "I just want these right now. Matty bought them for me."

Paul glances at Alex, his smile fading slightly. Alex looks away, beginning to dig for her sunglasses in her purse. "He did, huh? Awfully nice of him."

Salome nods happily. "Matty loves me."

After that, Paul is quiet. He leads Alex and Salome to his car, puts their luggage into his trunk and drives them to their house all without more than a few words. Alex wonders if he knows what's coming.

When they pull into the driveway, Salome is out of the car in seconds, squealing happily at the sight of their home and jumping about on the grass, still clutching that bag of marshmallows. Alex just hopes she'll relinquish her hold on it to go to sleep tonight.

Turning in her seat, she opens her mouth to ask Paul to come inside when he says, "I'll get the bags."

She closes her mouth, nodding. While he's busying getting their luggage, she finds her key in her bag and unlocks the front door. After telling Salome that if she insists on staying outside, please go in the backyard where there's shade and a fence, she lets Paul into the house and nervously follows after him.

"You can just set those down there," she says, and Paul drops her bags in the foyer. They stand there in awkward silence for a moment while Alex flounders, wondering how to tell him she doesn't want to see him anymore. She'd mentally rehearsed in the car on the way home, but standing here now, nothing seems good enough.

All she knows is that if Paul was the right guy for her, then she wouldn't have come so close to cheating on him twice now. She's setting herself up for what Matt just went through – trying to get by with someone who doesn't make her happy. Settling will not lead to a good life. She deserves more than that and so does Paul.

"Paul, I -" She stops, hesitant.

"Just say it, Alex," he says, crossing his arms over his chest. "You're going back to him, aren't you? I heard he left his wife."

"What?" She asks, mouth dropping. "I am not going back to him! And where did you hear about that? It's not exactly news over here."

Paul shrugs. "I keep up with British television, since I've been dating you. I didn't want to be oblivious to what happens over there. And you didn't even bother to tell me."

"I didn't know until I was already over there!" Alex insists. "He tried to keep it from me."

"And when you did find out?" Paul asks, brown eyes searching her face. "What then? You didn't tell me about it the numerous times we've talked on the phone since you've been away. Did you sleep with him? Is that why we're having the breakup talk right now?"

"Stop," Alex says, her voice hard. "I won't have you accusing me of such things in my own house for god's sake! And I did not cheat on you with Matt. I've told you before -"

"Yes, you've said it's over but it isn't and we both know it, Alex," Paul snaps. "You're not here. Not really. You're always off somewhere else, in your own head. With him, I guess. Sometimes, you get this look in your eyes…and I know you're thinking of him. Comparing me to him. And I never quite measure up."

"Paul, that isn't -"

Paul shakes his head, holding up a hand. "I knew before I'd ever met Matt that there was some other guy I was losing some silent competition to. I assumed it was your ex-husband until that banquet. The minute he saw you walk into the room, his whole face changed. Like he could barely look at you because it hurt so much." Paul huffs out a humorless laugh and scratches at the back of his head in frustration. "I love you, Alex. I really do. But I don't want to be anyone's second best."

Tears in her eyes, Alex moves across the foyer and takes Paul's hand in hers. "I'm sorry. I never meant to make you feel that way." She lets out a quiet breath of relief when Paul sighs and pulls her into him, holding her close.

"It's okay," he says into her hair. "Matt's a very lucky man, you know. Make sure he doesn't forget that."

Alex shakes her head. "No, we're not getting back together. That's not why I'm doing this. I just didn't want to make us both miserable. You should be with someone who can make you happy." She pulls back, watching him through watery eyes. "I'm not going to be able to make anyone happy until I've put my life back together. And I think I need to do that on my own."

She's never been more honest with Paul, and it feels good. She wishes she had been honest with him from the beginning and saved them both the trouble. She needs time to get over Matt before she starts dating again. She hadn't been ready when she met Paul, but she'd jumped into a relationship anyway, hurting him in the process. When she stops comparing other men to Matt, then she'll know she's ready.

"I understand, Alex," Paul says, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead.

"Thank you," she breathes. She still cares about Paul, and she hadn't meant to hurt him.

"And if you ever get tired of pining for that British moron, then come find me," he says, and she feels him smile against her temple.

She laughs quietly and pulls away from his embrace. "I will."

Shoving his hands in his pockets, Paul glances around one last time before turning to her with a smile. "Tell Salome goodbye for me?"

She nods. "Okay."

Warm brown eyes meet hers and for a moment, she remembers the first time she saw him, both of them scrambling after her groceries in that parking lot. "Goodbye, Alex."

"Bye, Paul," she says, and follows him to the door, waving as he walks away and gets into his car.

When he turns off her street and his car disappears, Alex shuts her front door and slumps against it, blowing out an exhausted breath. In the sudden silence of the empty house, she can hear Salome shouting and laughing in the backyard, obviously playing with her neighbor friend now, and for a while, Alex lets herself believe that it's Matt she's playing with out there and that any moment, he's going to come inside with Salome on his back, both of them flushed and grinning from their playtime.

She shuts her eyes against the sudden onslaught of tears and tips her head back, drawing in a shaky breath. Letting it out quietly, Alex pushes off the door and hurriedly wipes at her eyes before striding toward the back door. She should probably tell Salome that Paul isn't coming back.

Chapter End Notes

Have to go study, but loving you all! Chapter title from Jenny Owens Young's Fuck Was I.

Pack your bags and check your doubts

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

When Matt hears from Karen – who looks entirely too delighted on his behalf – that Alex and Paul had broken up the moment Alex returned from London, he begins to make plans. Ridiculous plans that might not work and might just shatter what little is left of his hope. The plans are put on hold while he waits impatiently for his divorce to be finalized. Daisy hadn't wanted the house and Matt isn't sure he wants it either. He might end up selling it and buying a new place that doesn't contain the memories of his short-lived, unhappy marriage.

While Matt waits for the most recent, unpleasant part of his life to be over in the form of official documents in the mail, he spends some much needed time getting his life together. He tries to be Matt again. The man Alex fell in love with. The spontaneous, childish man, who laughed all the time, was curious about absolutely everything and willing to try most things once. The man he used to be before he got married and lost himself.

He spends time with old friends, the ones Daisy didn't force upon him at dinner parties and nightclubs. He throws himself into a little play on the London stage and tries not to show just how very done he is with being single. He wants to be part of a family – and not just any family.

The day he gets official documentation in the mail that finalizes his divorce – the papers that legally and completely severs all ties to Daisy Lowe – Matt does a happy dance right in his living room and goes out for one last celebratory night with his mates. The next morning, he's on a plane headed to Los Angeles, Alex Kingston the only thing occupying his mind.

He's not sure he's doing the right thing. At this point, he doesn't even know what the right thing is anymore. He just knows he's tired of living without the woman he loves and he'll be damned if he doesn't try his hardest to get her back one last time. And oh, does he love her. Just as much if not more than that day she walked away from him.

He spends the entire flight fidgeting nervously and when the flight attendant brings him a drink, he leaves it untouched and ends up ripping up the napkin that came with it into little shreds. The mountainous pile of paper he ends up with does not amuse the flight attendant.

He doesn't try to rehearse what he's going to say because he knows the minute he sees her, every word will fly out of his head and leave him standing there like gaping like a fish out of water. Better to just play it by ear, he decides.

After the plane lands, the next hour passes in a blur. He gets a cab from the airport to Alex's place

– he'd begged Arthur for the address the night before and Arthur had agreed very reluctantly. When the cab pulls up outside a very nice two -story place with vines winding up the outside of the house and flowers over-flowing out of the flowerbeds, Matt smiles even as he feels like he might be sick from sheer nervousness. It looks like exactly the kind of place Alex would live in. He can imagine Salome playing in the yard and Alex on her knees and elbow-deep in dirt in her flowerbeds.

Paying the cab fare, Matt slings his bag over his shoulder and strides up the cobbled walkway to Alex's front door, feeling rather a lot like a doomed man meeting his messy end with open arms.

It's the middle of the afternoon, so Salome should be in school right now. Hopefully Alex is home and Matt won't have to wait on her front porch for her to get back.

For a long moment, he stands there in front of her door, staring at the dark wood and trying to breathe deeply. Oh god. What if she laughs at him for coming all this way? What if she slams the door in his face? What if she hates him? They didn't exactly part on great terms. She'd even said herself that she couldn't do it again. She couldn't be with him. But Matt is the eternal optimist and if there is even the slightest chance that she's changed her mind, then he would fly those thousands of miles a hundred times over.

Closing his eyes tightly, Matt takes a deep breath and reaches out, pressing the doorbell. For a moment, there's nothing. And then he hears a call from inside, "Just a minute!"

Oh god. Her voice.

That beautiful, fantastic voice.

As footsteps approach from behind the door, Matt drops his bag at his feet. He open his eyes and lets out the breath he's been holding.

This is it. Now or never.

The door swings open and Alex stands there in cutoff shorts and an American football jersey, her feet bare and her hair wild about her face. She stares at him with wide eyes and he can clearly see her white-knuckled grip on the doorframe. "M-Matt?" She breathes, blinking as though she might be seeing things. "What are you doing here?"

"I don't know," he says, because it's true. "I don't know why I'm here. I just know my divorce was finalized yesterday and all I could think about was you."

Alex stares at him, eyes misty. "Matt -"

"I know you've said before that you don't love me," he interrupts, nervously licking his lips. "But I don't believe that. Or rather, I don't want to believe it. And if you're just afraid that I don't mean it, then I think traveling thousands of miles and humiliating myself on your doorstep right now will tell you that I love you so bloody much I can't stand it. I'm tired of being without you, Alex. And I don't want to do it anymore." He pauses, watching her closely. "But if you truly don't feel anything for me, then say so and I promise I won't bother you again."

Alex doesn't utter a word, still gripping the doorframe, frozen as she stares at him with tears in her eyes.

Taking this as encouragement, Matt reaches out, gently prying her hand from the door and stepping closer. Cradling her hand in his own with absolute tenderness, he says pleadingly, "Just let me do it properly this time. Let me love you the way you deserve to be loved."

He brings her hand to his lips, kissing her fingertips and watching her eyes flutter closed briefly.

"Let me take you to dinner. I want to start over. I want to date you and bring you flowers and take you out in public and let people photograph us snogging outside your house." He smiles slightly when Alex lets out a choked laugh and meets her tear-filled green eyes with his own beseeching ones. "Please, Alex. Don't push me away again."

Alex blinks, staring down at their joined hands with tears sliding down her cheeks. For a terrifying moment, Matt truly doesn't know what she's going to say. But then, finally, wonderfully, she breathes out, "Okay, Matt. Dinner."

At first, Matt thinks he must have heard her incorrectly but then she looks up at him again with a shy, happy grin and he beams at her. "Oh thank god," he murmurs, pulling her into him and she giggles. He cuts off her laughter with his lips, leaning down and kissing her soundly.

Smiling into his mouth, Alex winds her arms around his neck and returns his kiss with surprising fervor. He feels her tears against his cheeks and tastes them on his tongue and the relief in him is

so powerful it leaves him weak in the knees.

She said yes.

Wrapping his arms around her waist as Alex threads her fingers through his hair and nips at his bottom lip, Matt presses closer still and slips his tongue into her mouth. Alex whimpers, fingers tightening in his hair. The pain serves to drive him on and Matt settles his hands at her waist and grips, lifting her with ease.

Alex immediately wraps her legs around his waist without pulling away from his mouth. Leaving his bag on the porch, Matt walks inside tangled together with her, shutting the door behind them.

Stumbling through the foyer, he presses Alex against the nearest wall and finally breaks away from her mouth, panting hard as he moves to press wet, hot kisses across her jaw and down her throat. She sighs against him, breathing heavily as Matt's hands slip beneath her jersey to meet bare skin.

She isn't wearing a bra underneath and when he cups a breast beneath her shirt, Alex throws her head back against the wall with a thud, gasping. She shoves him away almost immediately, raising the shirt above her head and tossing it aside carelessly.

Matt returns his attention to her chest; sucking a pert nipple into his mouth while Alex grips the back of his head tightly and moans. "Matt," she gasps out, lifting her hips into his and making him groan around her breast. "Please."

He ignores her, moving to her other nipple, determined to take his time. It's been so bloody long and all he's done while they've been apart is yearn for her. He isn't about to rush through this.

Frustrated, Alex reaches for the button on his jeans. She undoes it with shaking fingers and yanks his zipper down. She shoves his trousers down to his ankles with her feet and pure determination and Matt kicks off his shoes and trousers quickly. He leaves a bright red hickey on her left breast that he's quite proud of, and he glances up at her to see her pupils wide and her cheeks flushed beautifully. He has to kiss her again. She really leaves him with no other course of action.

When he slips his tongue past her lips, Alex sucks on it with an eagerness that has him shoving her harder into the wall and groaning. She whimpers as he grinds into her, wrenching her mouth from his to pant huskily, "Bedroom."

Done toying with her, Matt navigates Alex's hallway with her clinging to him. "God," she breathes into his ear, tears in her voice. "I've missed you. No one else was ever enough. I tried. I - -" She stops, voice choked.

Matt stops in the middle of the hallway, pressing her into the wall again and looking seriously into her fathomless green eyes. "I missed you too," he whispers and he knows even as he cups her cheek in his palm and tenderly caresses her face with his thumb, that he'll never be able to convey in words just how much. "You're all I ever thought about. It was like an ache that wouldn't go away."

Alex nods as though she understands, reaching out to trail her fingers lovingly over his face. "When you married her, I thought that was it. I thought it was over," she breathes, tears slipping down her cheeks again. "But now you're here, looking at me like that -" She brushes her fingertips over his eyelids lightly. "What did I ever do to deserve you or the way you love me?"

"Oh sweetheart," he says softly. "Everything. Even when I married Daisy, it was still you. Even now, after all this time. It's always going to be just you."

Alex brings his mouth to hers, leaning up to meet him halfway and kissing him thoroughly. "I love you," she whispers when she pulls away, panting into his mouth.

For a moment, Matt can do nothing but stare at her, tears welling in his eyes and heart in his throat. "What did you just say?" He asks, fearful he might be hearing things over the blood rushing in his ears.

Alex beams at him in the sun -drenched hallway of her home and runs her fingers through his hair. "I love you," she says again, clearly and distinctly.

Matt laughs, the sound joyous and echoing in the long corridor. This one, brief moment feels like everything he's ever wanted wrapped up in just a few seconds and her arms. "I love you too," he says, still grinning as he leans forward to press kiss after kiss over her face. He plants his lips against her forehead, over her eyes, her cheeks, her nose, her chin, her lips, and then he starts on her chest again. Alex giggles delightedly against him, wrapping her arms around him and kissing the top of his head.

He can't believe he's here. Kissing her. Loving her. It feels like a surreal, wonderful dream, and if it is, then he hopes he never wakes up.

Taking advantage of his distraction, Alex pulls his t-shirt over his head and flings it away; beginning to press open-mouthed kisses against his neck and shoulders. She wriggles her hips against his and he's suddenly reminded of the fact that she's pressed against him half-naked in her hallway, and that he wants nothing more than to drop her onto the nearest bed and finish undressing her.

They pass a colorful room that is most likely Salome's, considering all the pink. Matt stumbles past it and nearly trips when Alex's teeth suddenly sink into the side of his neck. Gripping her hips tightly as her nipples brush his bare chest again, Matt tries to focus.

Two more doors down and there's a bedroom done in neutral colors with a skylight and a broad window facing the front of the house. He doesn't care if it's Alex's bedroom or not. He walks inside and drops her onto the bed, watching her scramble back towards the headboard while he shoves his boxers down his legs and kicks them away.

Still in her cutoff shorts, Alex reclines on the bed and watches him advance toward her with a smile on her face. She looks breathtaking then, and Matt stops at the foot of the bed just to stare at her. Green eyes alight and curly hair ruffled and falling to her naked shoulders, she looks exactly like what he's spent his whole life waiting for. She's perfect.

"A girl could get old waiting on you," she says, laughing softly.

Matt smiles slowly and climbs onto the bed to join her, starting a trail of gentle kisses at her ankle and working his way up. "You're beautiful," he murmurs, and Alex hums lightly as his tongue darts out to taste her skin. "I get distracted looking at you sometimes."

"Charmer," she says, stretching languidly as he reaches her denim shorts. He undoes the button and pulls them down her legs, and her black knickers quickly follow.

They don't waste a lot of time after that. Matt had wanted to take things slowly but Alex had insisted they had plenty of time for that later and then her hand had been on his cock and not much else had seemed to matter anymore. When he presses into her – the first time in so long – he nuzzles his face into the crook of her neck and blinks back the tears in his eyes. She's everything he's been missing, everything Daisy wasn't – heat and light, wetness and warmth. Home. When he's inside her, he never feels like he should be anywhere else, doing something else. He is where he is supposed to be.

"Missed you," he breathes as Alex clutches at his back. "Missed you so much."

She wraps her legs around her waist and cries out at every inward thrust, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes as he makes love to her. Matt leans down and kisses the tear tracks on her face while she reaches up and wipes his tears away with her thumbs, smiling up at him through the emotion so clear in her eyes.

When her tight, wet heat becomes too much – too much sensation, too much emotion, too much perfection all wrapped up in her and her arms – Matt bites his lip and presses his forehead against hers, overcome. "Alex…"

Meeting his every thrust with the lifting of her hips, Alex moans softly and reaches for him, pulling his lips to hers. Matt kisses her hungrily, slipping one hand between their bodies to find her clit, determined to bring her over the edge with him.

Alex cries out into his mouth and begins to tighten around him, fingernails digging into the skin of his back. She wrenches her mouth from his with a gasp as her climax courses through her, leaving her a shuddering mess beneath him. "Matt," she murmurs in her mindless pleasure. "Love you."

Those words from her lips are enough. With a muffled shout against the skin of her chest, Matt spills into her with colored lights dancing behind his eyes and her love ringing in his ears.

When he comes back to himself, breathless and exhausted but endlessly happy, his head is resting on her chest and Alex is running her fingers through his hair tenderly. For a long while, they say nothing, exchanging soft kisses and sweet caresses without needing to speak.

Entangled in sheets and her, Matt is drifting toward a very pleasant, sex-infused nap when Alex suddenly says, "I'm sorry I pushed you away."

Matt frowns, tilting his head up drowsily to look at her. She isn't looking at him, her fingers tracing random letters on the skin of his back but her eyes shut tightly.

"I was just so scared. It wasn't supposed to mean anything and then when it did, when I fell in love with you -"

Matt stops her words by leaning up and pressing a firm, heated kiss to her lips. "I know," he says when he pulls away. "It's all right. I shouldn't have just blurted it out. And I shouldn't have married someone I didn't love just because I wanted to get over you."

"I made you -"

"You didn't," he says firmly. "No one made me marry Daisy but myself. And I'm sorry I did because it only hurt everyone I care about." Slipping his arms around her and pulling her body into his, Matt speaks into her hair. "I'm just glad I didn't permanently bugger things up, and we're here now."

"Hmm." Alex hums quietly, snuggling into him and pressing her face into his collarbone. "Here always, if you don't mind."

In her sunlit bedroom, with Alex dozing lightly against his chest, Matt stares up at the ceiling and grins.

Chapter End Notes

Gah, I completely forgot about updating today guys! I've been working on a paper most of the day and it just slipped my mind. Sorry! But see? Everything is totally fine. Haha I love my angst, but it has to turn out okay in the end. Because I'm a sap. I'll post the epilogue tomorrow, m'kay? Chapter title from the Eels song Beginner's Luck. Loving you all!

Epilogue: You've really got a hold on me

Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

It's weird at first, letting Matt court her. He stays in Los Angeles for nearly a month, paying too much money for a room at a hotel five minutes from her house. She doesn't know why he doesn't just stay with her. Even with Salome there, he could still sleep on the sofa. He spends most of his time with her anyway. But Matt had insisted on a room. Apparently he couldn't court her properly if he slept on her couch.

He comes over while Salome is in school, bringing Alex a bouquet of different flowers every time. They go out together, doing everyday things like going to the grocery store, walking through the open air markets, having lunch. They sightsee a bit because Matt is drawn to all the terrible, touristy locations. And then they come back to Alex's house. She leads him down the hall by the hand and as soon as the bedroom door is shut behind them, his lips are on hers. Sometimes they make it to the bed, but other times, Matt presses her into the floor and makes love to her beneath the skylight in her bedroom.

Entangled together afterwards, they exchange soft kisses and talk quietly until it's time for Salome to return from school. Her daughter had been ecstatic to see Matt again, her delighted grin a thing of beauty when she came home that first day to find Matt sitting on the counter and attempting to juggle with plastic cups. It had been a little difficult with Alex standing between his legs, kissing his neck and distracting him and when Salome walked in and squealed upon seeing him, every cup had tumbled to the floor.

The only thing she'd said when Alex and Matt had told her together that they're seeing other had been to look at Matt with a wide grin and say, "Told you she'd want your glass shoe, Matty."

After nearly a month, Alex and Salome drive Matt to the airport and say goodbye. Real life can no longer be put on hold, and he has responsibilities in London that can't be ignored anymore. Salome clings to his neck the whole way to the gate and Alex has to pry her away when they can accompany Matt no further.

He hugs them both, tips Salome on the chin with a smile and tells her to be a good girl and he'll see her soon. And then he turns to Alex, wraps her in his arms, and tells her the same thing. Alex laughs into his shoulder and Matt pulls away, cupping her face in his hands and kissing her goodbye in an airport filled with people. It's a fierce kiss full of promises of things to come, and when he pulls back, Alex has to wipe at the tears forming in her eyes.

"I love you," he says, smiling.

Alex leans up and kisses his chin. "I love you too, ridiculous man. Call me when you land."

Matt winks at her and ruffles Salome's hair before hitching his bag over his shoulder and walking away from them. Arm around her daughter, Alex takes comfort in the fact that this time, she knows he'll come back.

In two weeks, when Salome is with her father, Alex gets on a plane and flies to London to spend the weekend with Matt. They don't try to hide what they're doing but they don't flaunt it either. Someone spots them out to dinner together and the paparazzi photographs them walking hand-in-hand to Matt's place.

Knowing they're being followed, Alex turns to Matt just outside his door, grip tight on his hand and eyebrow raised. "Well," she says. "I think we've been spotted."

"I noticed," Matt says, the corner of his mouth lifting in a smile. "What should we do? Your move, Kingston."

"Hmm," Alex says, tapping her finger against her chin. "I think I'd quite like to kiss you."

Matt grins. "What's stopping you?"

"Nothing," Alex says, her smile matching his as she pulls his head down to hers. "Absolutely nothing."

By morning, it's all over the papers. Alex wakes up to Matt reading to her from the Daily Mail about what sort of salacious activities they'd been up to the night before. There are even pictures of them snogging on Matt's front porch. From there, speculation and rumors abound, none of which are true but some of which come uncomfortably close.

After the press cottons on to their relationship, Matt and Alex spend the majority of their remaining time together in his bed, leaving the warmth of the sheets and each other only when necessary.

It's a good weekend.

Their time apart before the next season of Doctor Who begins – the last season for both of them – is spent with phone calls, texting, and flying to see one another every other weekend. It's difficult but they make it work. There really isn't another option.

When they're finally on set together, everyone is so used to seeing them together by this point that no one bats an eye. Karen and Arthur aren't on set with them anymore and it's quite strange being without them. Alex is just glad she has Matt, who holds her close and lets her burrow into his coat when they film somewhere cold, and who kisses her when she fumbles her lines.

The times when they're not filming, they meet up with Karen and Arthur if they aren't busy. This weekend, they go to a pub in the wee hours of the morning and it's relatively deserted. It's a little known place that plays classics from a jukebox. Sawdust litters the floor, the lights are dim and a thin layer of dust coats everything.

In a back booth nursing a mug of ale, Alex snuggles into Matt's side with his arm around her shoulders. Across from them, Karen and Arthur are doing their usual bickering and it's like nothing at all has changed.

"You can't list your own band among your favorites, you numpty," Karen says, scowling at Arthur. "How conceited can you be?"

"What?" Arthur throws up his hands. "We're good!"

Karen laughs at him. "It doesn't matter! You can't do it. It's an unwritten rule."

"Says who?"

"Says everyone!"

"Who's everyone?" Arthur looks exasperated, looking to Matt and Alex for support but Matt only throws a peanut shell at them and laughs when it lands in Karen's drink.

Karen shouts her protest and tries to fish it out, looking up at Matt to stick out her tongue. "You are such a child!"

"Am not!" He says. "I'm a big boy now. Ask Alex."

Alex slides her hand up his thigh under the table and says, "Very big."

Karen makes a horrified face and goes back to fishing the peanut shell out of her drink. "I still can't believe no one told me until Matt was getting a bloody divorce," she grumbles. "Like I can't keep a secret! There I was trying to fix Alex up with all these men and she just wanted stupid face over there."

"To be fair," Arthur says, "We sort of thought you'd figure it out eventually."

"You're quite dense, Kaz," Matt says with a laugh, turning his head to press a soft kiss to Alex's temple.

"Oi!"

The contentment that washes over Alex then is unparalleled. Her friends are around her, Matt's lips are against her hair and his scent and his arms are all wrapped around her. Her daughter is going to be with her next week. Everything is almost perfect. It will be even better when Salome gets here and Matt finally does something with that ring box she'd found in his coat pocket last week.

Alex smiles just thinking about it, glancing down at her hand on his thigh. A ring will look nice there, she thinks.

"Stop being mean to my mother, boys," she says, coming back to herself and winking at Karen, who gives her a grateful look. "She can't help it she didn't catch us playing footsie under a table, like another certain someone."

"Exactly!" Karen says, glaring at Arthur.

"Hey!" Arthur protests. "I had suspicions long before then! Groping each other under the table just confirmed it. I'm sensitive to these things."

"I was suspicious too! I just didn't have evidence like you did!" Karen protests, and as the two begin to bicker again, the song on the jukebox changes.

I don't like you but I love you, seems that I'm always thinking of you…

Matt glances at Alex and she smiles back at him.

"Dance with me?" He asks, voice a soft murmur.

Alex nods and he tugs her from the booth. Their friends fall silent as Matt pulls her onto the non-existent dance floor and sways with her between tables and chairs on the sawdust floor. Alex rests her head on his chest and Matt hums into her ear, one hand holding hers and the other splayed across her lower back.

"Happy, Kingston?" He asks, like he always does in quiet moments like these.

She smiles into his shirt, thinking of rings and I love you's, kisses and forever. "With you? Always."

Chapter End Notes

Thank you all for your comments and kudos, and for sticking with me through the boatload of angst:) Chapter title from She & Him's You Really Got A Hold On Me.

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