When the Bifrost opened on the roof of Stark Tower, the rest of the Avengers had been expecting Thor and Loki to arrive laden down with Asgardian delicacies, and they hadn't been disappointed. But what they hadn't been expecting was the third figure who was carrying a large platter piled high with fruit and nuts.
"Tony, Pepper, esteemed friends, I would like you to meet our mother, Frigga, Queen of Asgard," Thor said as the regal woman beside him smiled warmly at them.
The Avengers stared back, open-mouthed.
"Uh… hi?" Bruce said.
"I feel awkward," Tony whispered to Pepper. "Am I the only one feeling awkward? Because this seems really awkward. Like, in the dictionary under the word 'awkward.'"
"Maybe a little," Pepper admitted.
They had adjourned to the kitchen, where Loki had placed a large basket filled with various loaves of bread on the counter along with a hamper filled with bottles of wine. Thor had carried not one but two gargantuan roasts that he assured Tony were in fact the very best bilgesnipe, roasted to a turn over the fires of the royal kitchen. Frigga had gracefully added her platter on top of the dishwasher, then produced several smaller containers out of thin air brimming with unknown but strangely appealing food. Then the Queen of Asgard had opened a drawer and started wielding an electric knife on the roast, dishing out portions to each Avenger in turn.
"It's frigging Frigga," Tony said in Pepper's ear, laughing a little hysterically, still deeply unnerved. "Frigging Frigga is in my frigging kitchen standing next to my frigging Frigidaire."
"It's not like she's the first Asgardian you've ever met," Pepper whispered back. "You're friends with Thor and… okay, maybe not Loki, but you've met him at least."
"This is different," he said. "She's their mom. It's like the Queen of England is in the kitchen casually making sandwiches."
"She seems nice."
"That's beside the point! She is wearing a tiara!"
A quick glance around the room showed a series of wildly varying reactions. Steve looked politely confused. Clint kept putting his hand to his mouth in what Tony suspected was a gesture to stop himself from saying anything inappropriate. Bruce's posture was stuck somewhere between a bow and a slump, and Natasha had parked herself in a corner with her plate, well out of everyone's way. Thor seemed sheepishly embarrassed. Loki was the only one who appeared completely at ease, standing beside his mother and artistically pouring something that had to be the equivalent of Asgardian gravy on each plate, laughing delightedly. Peter was staring wide-eyed from where he was standing beside the kitchen counter, blatantly star struck.
"Mrs. Odinson, you are really, really pretty," he finally blurted out.
She laughed, and somehow it sounded like sleighbells.
"You're a good and dear boy, Peter," she said, smiling and heaping onto his plate a spoonful of a vegetable that looked like bright red potatoes.
"Thank you," he said politely, toting his overflowing plate across the room to sit on the floor near Natasha's feet, then taking a large bite of bilgesnipe.
"When Thor mentioned he had volunteered to bring Asgardian refreshments, he described what you've been eating," she said, frowning a little. "Sweets are all very well, but you seem to be overdoing it, though I must admit the mincemeat pie Thor brought home was remarkably delicious."
"Asgardian desserts tend to be limited to fruit and nuts," Thor said apologetically.
"Yes, well, despite my son's penchant for Pop-Tarts, or perhaps because of it, I thought perhaps I would pay you a visit to be sure everything was done properly," she said.
"Would you care to stay?" Pepper ventured.
"Thank you, Pepper dear," Frigga said, smiling. "I would love to. I'm very curious about your Midgardian winter festival and your moving images."
Tony looked like he was contemplating jumping out the window, possibly without calling for the suit first.
Instead, what followed was a surprisingly pleasant meal. While bilgesnipe took a little getting used to, it had a gamy taste that wasn't too different from venison. The rest of the food, though nearly impossible for anybody but Natasha and Steve to pronounce, was all hearty, comforting, and surprisingly informal. It was a lot like a Normal Rockwell painting of Thanksgiving if the turkey had been replaced with a gigantic misshapen pile of flame-seared meat. The wine had been absolutely the best any of the humans had ever tasted despite Frigga insisting that it was only an everyday vintage, though Peter's wine turned to fruit juice the moment it touched his lips.
"I apologize, but I was informed of the current conventions of your world regarding younger persons and alcohol," she said to him. "I hope you will not be insulted."
"No, no, Aunt May would be really angry otherwise," Peter said quickly. "Besides, this is way better than Dr. Pepper."
"Who?" she asked.
"Oh, I live with my Aunt May," Peter said.
"Yes, I know that. My sons have told me about you at some length," she said. "Who is Dr. Pepper?"
"It's like a sweet, fizzy drink," Peter said.
"Oh, good," Frigga said, looking relieved. "I was afraid there was yet another Avenger my sons hadn't mentioned. After Dr. Strange, it was an easy mistake to make."
As everyone finished, the conversation remaining light and easy and flowing smoothly, Frigga made the empty dishes simply vanish.
"I see where Loki gets his talents," Steve said.
"My son is highly adept with magic," Frigga said, smiling at him proudly. "I can hardly take the credit for that, though I did tutor him in some skills when he first showed talent and interest."
"Mother was an excellent teacher," Loki said, smiling and obviously on his best behavior.
They took the remaining fruit and nuts into the viewing room. Frigga sat on a couch between Thor and Loki, who for once refrained from pelting Steve with nut shells. The rest sat in what were rapidly becoming their usual places as the opening credits of A Christmas Story began.
"I am so damn glad no listened to me about Die Hard being the next movie," Clint whispered to Natasha.
When the film finally ended with Ralphie clutching his Red Rider BB gun as he went to sleep, the lights came back up to find Frigga delicately dabbing at the corner of her eyes with her handkerchief.
"Is everything alright?" Thor asked.
"Of course, dear heart," she said. "It just reminds me of when the two of you were little. Do you remember how you used to sleep with that wooden ax?"
"I do, though I had nearly forgotten," Thor said, laughing.
"And what did Loki sleep with?" Tony asked, a malevolent glint behind his smile.
"Oh, he usually fell asleep still reading," Frigga said, tousling his hair fondly. "I would have to wrestle the book out of his hands even while he slept."
"How cute," Tony said, giving him a look that said he thought it was the most cloyingly sappy thing he'd ever heard.
"But you enjoyed the film?" Bruce asked, sounding a little surprised.
"I did," she said. "Though Asgard is not your America in the 1930s, a good deal of it was universal."
"Was it pretty accurate, Steve?" Natasha asked.
"Close," Steve said. "I was about ten years older than the kids in this, so my childhood was a little earlier, but I remember Double Dog Dares and department store Santas."
"And bullies and toadies never change," Clint said. "Everybody's got those."
"I do not recall any of these 'bullies' you mention from childhood," Thor said, taking a sip of a particularly delicious mead.
"You wouldn't," Loki muttered sourly. "Volstag stole my lunch every day for over three decades until I packed a bag filled with vipers one day."
"I remember that!" Thor said. "Father hung you by your feet out a window on the highest floor of the palace for a good three hours over that!"
"He what?" Steve said, looking shocked.
Thor's smile faded.
"Yes, that does seem oddly less amusing in retrospect," Thor said uncomfortably.
"I've never heard this story before," Frigga said angrily.
"It was very long ago," Loki said.
"And what did he do to Volstag when he found out he was a thief?" she asked.
"Nothing," Loki said with a shrug.
She huffed a breath through her nose, then appeared to calm herself again, though everyone was fairly sure Odin would be receiving an earful.
"These pink things are really good," Peter said, trying to break up the tension. "What are they again?"
"Those are frambrosens," Frigga said. "I'm glad you're enjoying them. They're one of my favorites."
"The apples are fantastic, too," Peter said, taking a second one.
"Wait… did you say apples?" Bruce said, his head whipping towards Peter. "Those aren't…"
"No," Frigga said quickly. "No, those are merely apples from the market."
"So, no accidental immortality," Tony said, looking a relieved.
"No, those are given to mortals only under the most unusual of circumstances," Frigga said, "and then only by Odin's decree. The last one was nearly fifty years ago."
"Who was that?" Clint asked.
"A singer my husband enjoyed," she said. "A very nice boy from Tupelo, Mississippi."
"Do you mean—" Tony started to say, his eyes enormous.
"Yes, probably exactly whom you think," Frigga said.
"Okay," Tony said slowly, looking like his world was turning sideways. "That's interesting information."
"Who?" Steve asked.
"Anyway," Bruce said, "I always liked this one."
"I can sympathize with being so heavily bundled open the kid couldn't put his arms down," Natasha said. "Layers were a big key to not getting pneumonia during Russian winters."
"Yeah, Brooklyn was no slouch in the winter either," Steve agreed, "especially when we couldn't pay for enough coal. I used to shove newspapers in my shoes to stay warm. It worked, but my socks were always dirty."
"Okay, but what was the one thing you wanted more than anything when you were a kid at Christmas?" Clint asked. "What was your Red Ryder BB gun?"
"I remember really wanting a Louisville Slugger baseball bat," Steve said, smiling fondly. "I never got one. We couldn't afford it. But Bucky had one, and he'd share."
"I wanted one of those Creepy Crawler bug making kits," Bruce said, smiling. "Never got it, either."
"One year, when I was about six, I remember being all about Rock'em Sock'em Robots," Tony said. "Didn't get it, but I wound up building my own, so I'm good."
"I actually got mine," Clint said.
"Let me guess," Tony said. "A bow."
"Nah. I got one of those for my birthday, though my mother did give me a version of the 'you'll shoot your eye out' speech. For Christmas, I wanted a skateboard," he said. "It had bright yellow lightning bolts on it. I rode that thing until the wheels fell off. What about you, Pepper?"
"I wanted a Care Bear so much my brain nearly exploded," she said, laughing. "What about you, Thor?"
"We had no such holiday, but for my birthday I recall asking for the wooden ax Mother mentioned," Thor said. "I named it Wonder Cleaver."
"Nat, what did you want?" Clint said.
She pursed her lips for a second, then said, "We did New Year's more than Christmas."
"Okay, so what'd you want for New Year's when you were a wee little assassin?" Clint said.
She paused.
"A doll," she admitted. "They said no."
Frigga looked at her sadly, immediately understanding.
"I wanted a goat," Loki said abruptly.
"A goat?" Tony said, staring at him. "Right, 'cause what kid doesn't want a goat? It's right up there with toy trains and footballs. Why the hell did you want a goat?"
"I just did," he said, shrugging. "Father gave me some gold as a birthday present, and I bought a little brown and white goat at the market. Her name was Moo."
"You named your goat Moo?" Bruce said.
"I also had a dog named Meow and a horse called Tweet Tweet," he said. "I was a rather odd child. But I did dote on Moo."
"I recall that goat head-butting me down the main stairs of the palace at least twenty times," Thor said, frowning.
"Yes, she certainly did," Loki said, smiling fondly.
"Peter, you haven't mentioned your most desired present," Frigga said.
"Oh, when I was just a little kid, I wanted a jungle gym," he said. "But we lived in an apartment, so it wasn't possible. Instead, I got gymnastics lessons, which has worked out pretty well."
"It certainly has," Frigga said, smiling at him as she stood. "Well, Mr. Stark—"
"Tony," he said.
"Tony," she repeated, walking towards the roof, "I simply cannot thank you enough for your warm hospitality."
"Thank you for bringing the food," he said. "Everything was great."
"I am happy you enjoyed it," she said. "Now, if you will excuse us, I should return home. I need to have a discussion with my husband regarding the topmost window of the palace. Have a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year, as you say. Heimdall, if you please?"
A moment later, a blazing light erupted from the sky, and the three Asgardians disappeared.
"She reminds me a little of my mom," Steve said smiling up in the direction of the Bifrost.
Tony let out a long breath and collapsed into the nearest chair.
"Can I swear again?" he asked. "I can swear again, right?"
"Yes, Tony," Pepper said, shaking her head tiredly. "You did very well. You managed to stay on Santa's nice list."
"And considering that according to Thor and Loki that was literally Mrs. Claus sitting there watching Ralphie pummel Scut Farkus, that's a good thing," Tony said. "I'm locking myself in the lab for a few days unless aliens invade. Again. Don't wait up."
And taking one of the half-empty bottles of wine Frigga had left on the counter, he headed towards the elevator, quietly mumbling, "Frigging Frigga!"