Finnick must have fallen asleep because it was obviously late morning when he opened his eyes again. It took him a moment to reorient himself and a second later to realize the pressure on his body was a still sleeping Katniss. Her head was on his chest, one of his hands woven through her hair, the other splayed across her back. She had one arm wrapped underneath him and the other hand resting on his heart.
He once again thought of Annie. How many nights had been spent like this? Him holding her through her nightmares, every scream and every tear breaking his heart in a new way. He would silently curse Snow, the Capitol, and the Games. They had stripped him of his innocence and stripped Annie of her sanity. He tried so hard to be there for her and to undo the damage the Capitol had inflicted on her innocent soul, to be the rock that she clung to as if she was constantly on the verge of drowning.
He loved her with everything he had, however he knew she was broken beyond repair and as much as he wanted and willed it to be true he couldn't put her back together. He thought they could make it through, they would always be able to make it through anything as long as they were together. Sadly deep down he felt like he had always known that he would never be enough.
His frequent trips to the Capitol, forced to flaunt himself with countless men and women and have his body taken were made bearable knowing that she was back in Four safe and waiting for him. It always kept him grounded and able to carry through to the next day.
She knew what Snow did to him and still she waited, welcoming him with open arms and erasing any guilt that lingered. Letting him find himself again in her arms. Likewise he was the only one who could always reach her and bring her back when she got lost in herself. Lost in the horror of her games. It wasn't until Snow announced the Quarter Quell and Annie never stopped crying did he know that it was the beginning of goodbye.
He doubted he would survive and he was even more certain after the remaining reaped Victors made a pact to get Katniss and Peeta out of the arena alive. The Revolution was finally coming, everything so many had worked for was coming to fruition, but it all rested on the shoulders of a girl who had no idea the destiny that was about to be foisted upon her. To make her the Mockingjay, to liberate Panem. He hoped she was ready, for all their sake.
Nonetheless he spent the days leading up to the Reaping holding an inconsolable Annie and his last memory of her when he left the Reaping was her tear streaked face and sobs crashing into him, wondering if he would ever see her again.
When he discovered she was being held by Snow he grew despondent and the screams from the jabberjays that had rained down on Katniss and him in the arena echoed through his mind, drowning everything else out. His small piece of rope was the only thing anchoring him to reality and knot by knot he tried to keep himself tied together.
He longed to be back in the cave with Annie in District Four, in the one place she felt safe and pure. Where the real Annie had been able to shine through. He thought of her smile and flushed cheeks as she lay on his chest. He would sing her sea shanty's he learned on the boat with his father, they would lay there for hours and then go for midnight swims under the stars, floating in the vastness of the ocean. For a brief time feeling totally free, able to enjoy and live right there in that moment. Finnick was always trying to recapture that sense of peace in District 13 but instead of calmness every second was a punch to his body that felt more like a tsunami.
Then after so many days of darkness she was back, running into his arms and he felt like he could finally breathe again.
Something was different, he had noticed it immediately. She drifted off more frequently and sometimes Finnick felt he couldn't reach her anymore. That she was so damaged by what she had been subjected to in the Capitol they had finally taken her away from him. She was unable to tell him what happened to her at their hands and the mere mention of it would put her in a near catatonic state. Sometimes she would burst into unexplained tears and Finnick felt another piece of his heart rip from his chest. What he had gathered from Joanna only intensified his nightmares. Occasionally he would get a glimpse of his sweet Annie and sometimes he could get her to stay, but mostly he was forced to sit and watch, helpless. Still he tried to be there for her, to give her routine, any sense of stability he could manage. Hours spent on "Real or Not Real", songs, holding her, anything to bring her back.
She seemed to take well to the structure in 13, the tattooed schedule on her arm grounding her, giving her purpose. They would have lunch everyday in the cafeteria with Katniss, Gale, Prim, Delly and Johanna. Even Peeta eventually. Sometimes she would laugh and talk with them, other times she would get that faraway look in her eyes and cover her ears and Finnick would know that she'd gone to where she fought her battles. Every time he wondered if she would find her way back to him.
He had always intended to marry Annie, even if he was old and gray when the Capitol had finally tired of him. So when Plutarch had suggested the wedding seeing Annie's face light up had made the decision for him. It had been beautiful, everything he had hoped and Annie had never looked more stunning. He meant every word as he touched the salt water to her lips and promised her forever. Her smile had warmed his heart so deeply it felt like it would burst. He said that they would always be together. They had both known, though, that he had to leave her again. One last time he promised, then he would be by her side permanently.
Even though Annie had insisted she understood a part of him wondered if she would truly be okay, if she could handle the strain of him being gone, but she promised she would be there waiting for him when he returned. Prim had volunteered to look after her. She and Annie had grown close while she recovered in the hospital. He held her and kissed her and promised to be back soon.
The trident Beetee had designed him was flawless and it brought him a sense of both anticipation and calmness as he held it in hands. Plutarch wanted as many victors as possible in the fight. Years of planning were finally reaching their climax and he had every intention of seeing it through to the end. When he saw Katniss would be joining him on the "Star Squad" he was pleased. However he had known that she had ulterior motives when she hadn't objected to not being on the front lines, the set of her jaw had spelled it out plainly, although no one else seemed to notice. The other part of him needed to keep her close, make sure she was safe, he wasn't so sure that Coin and the team, except maybe Boggs and Gale, had her best interests in mind. When Peeta joined them in the Capitol he knew he was right. The war was almost over and that meant they were now expendable.
He thought of Annie everyday and it gave him the courage to make it through. Constantly reminding himself that everything he was doing was to make a better life for her. To give her everything she deserved. He thought of the future they would have without Snow, without the secrets, the lies, and the pain. Where they were free. He promised her forever and this was one promise he intended to keep.
He almost broke that promise when he was cornered by the terrifying mutts in the sewer, where he watched Castor's body torn to shreds in front of him. He was halfway up the ladder when a mutt latched onto his leg. He screamed as it tore into his flesh. His beautiful Annie flashed before him and he whispered, "I'm so sorry my angel," he was still fighting, but he waited for the mutts to pull him back down into the killing field. He heard Katniss screaming for him from above. He saw his life flash before his eyes when Gale let loose an explosive arrow into the rose scented abomination clinging to his leg. It ripped it off him, back into the water causing part of the sewer to collapse on the group of the mutts below them. It sent flames licking up his legs, but the mutts kept coming. Finnick was sure they were finished when suddenly Jackson emerged from the rubble behind them and took down several of the terrifying creatures as they advanced towards the ladder.
Katniss was above them shooting down anything that moved into her sights. Finnick pulled himself upwards and he gripped every rung of the ladder as if was his last chance. Gale was above him firing the last shots from his pistol, using his free hand to pull Finnick towards safety.
When they made it to the street Katniss heard Jackson screaming to drop the holo, without a second thought she whispered, "nightlock, nightlock, nightlock," and dropped the holo down into the sewer. Pollux slammed the cover to the pipe shut and they felt the street shudder as the explosion rocked the ground beneath them, burying the mutts with her name on their lips. The six of them were all that was left.
They made it, they were bloody and battered, but alive. He couldn't answer when Peeta asked if he was okay. He was locked tightly into a hug with Katniss, both relieved to still be breathing. Katniss choked out "We can't stop here." Later, the human feelings will come until then they had to move.
They silently made their way to Tigress' shop and then before he knew it Snow's Mansion was right within his sight. He saw the first wave of bombs go off as he tailed behind Gale and Katniss. He saw Gale get captured, begging Katniss to shoot him. He saw Katniss run towards the explosion and took off after her yelling her name. He looked ahead of her and saw Prim, looking young enough to be one of the Capitol children she was trying to save. When the second bomb went off he saw Peeta and Prim disappear in a wall of flames and Katniss thrown back by the aftershock.
Knowing there was no way Peeta and Prim survived the blast he ran towards Katniss and fell to his knees. He used the over sized coat he was wearing to put the flames out before they were able to do much damage. Her eyes locked onto his for a split second before they closed in shock. Frantically he searched for a pulse, ignoring the chaos around him. He found it weak but steady as he looked around and scooped her up into his arms and went to find help.
They had done it, Panem was theirs. Finnick was high from victory, his elation only tampered by all of the friends they had lost. But they had beaten Snow and a new Panem was forming, however he grieved for Katniss who had lost both Peeta and Prim in the explosion.
She was still unconscious and he knew she would be devastated by the loss. Her mother was flying in from District 13 by hovercraft and would meet them at the Mansion where they were staying now.
Finnick was also expecting Annie, Johanna, and Haymitch. He hadn't been able to contain the happiness that consumed him knowing it was finally over. He felt like he'd been released from an invisible prison and he finally had control of his future and he couldn't wait to share that life with Annie.
When the hovercraft landed two days later he was with Katniss in her makeshift hospital room, she had woken up and was inconsolable. He had been the one to tell her about Prim and Peeta and a part of him fractured at her grief. She hadn't spoken a word since but he sat by her bed and tried to fill the silence.
He heard the door open and a small group of people came piling in. Katniss's mother wrapped her in a tight embrace, sobs wracking her small frame. Behind her was Haymitch, who if possible looked even worse than before Finnick left. He immediately headed for the small bar and poured himself a drink, treating it like a long-lost mistress.
Johanna was also with them, her hair finally growing back, she looked almost human again. Her face fixed in her trademark smirk until she saw Katniss. Lastly Plutarch stood silently watching the whole thing play out before him.
He looked for Annie but she wasn't among them. That's when he noticed Joanna couldn't catch his eye. A sense of dread overtook his body, he tried to tell he tried to tell himself that any moment she would come running through the door or she must be waiting for him in his room ready to start their new life together. He finally managed to catch Johanna's eye and gave her a questioning look. She jerked her head towards the hallway and Finnick got up and followed her out. He didn't see Haymitch look at him sadly and drain another glass
"Where is Annie, Jo?" He questioned. Johanna could barely look at him and he asked again, "Where is she?"
Johanna broke down, tears streaming down her face, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry Finnick."
He grabbed her by the arms and shook her. "What? Why, what's wrong?"
"She... She saw the broadcast, the one that said you were dead. It came on when we were in the cafeteria." Johanna managed between sobs. "She saw the building explode."
Ice cold fear gripped his throat and he took several steps back until he hit the wall and slid down. He could just imagine Annie's reaction as Snow came on and gloated they were dead. That he had won again.
He'd promised to come back to her and she thought he was gone forever.
He waited for Jo to finish. "She seemed to take it so well, she just got really quiet. We stayed with her, me and Prim, until she was asleep. Then Prim was called to the Capitol. She asked to be left alone and they called me to Command, Coin insisted. I... I... didn't know what to do."
"When she didn't come to breakfast the next morning the guards broke down her door. We were too late Finn. She hung herself."
In that moment Finnick felt his soul die. He crumpled onto the floor and he was sure that the sound that tore through him wasn't human. The small innocent girl he met on the beach. The shy young woman who had been reaped. The accidental victor who had crept into his heart. The beautiful woman who had become his wife. She was gone, he had failed her. She thought he was never coming back so she had gone to joined him. He was a broken and empty shell and he joined Katniss in silence.
Noises downstairs saved Finnick from his thoughts. Katniss must have also heard it because she began to stir. The noise came again and he stiffened.
"It's probably Greasy Sae, she would have seen I wasn't at Haymitch's this morning." Katniss murmured sleepily. No sooner than the words left her mouth a figure appeared in the doorway.
"Well, well, well don't you two look cozy?" A slurred voice hit them both like a shock and they jolted out of bed.
Katniss threw one of the too many pillows on her bed at Haymitch, "we were just sleeping."
Haymitch threw his hands up in mock defense dodging the pillow, "easy there sweetheart what you do is up to you, I'm just happy to have you stop drinking up all my liquor."
Katniss shot him a dirty look, "if I'm recalling correctly I pay for half of that liquor. What are you even doing here Haymitch? Shouldn't you be elbow deep in a bottle by now?"
"I was at home minding my own business until your keeper came looking for you, she's a feisty one. Hit me with the paper until I woke up. Then she mentioned breakfast. Who am I to start turning down a free meal? But she won't feed me until you're there so get decent and get downstairs. I'm starved." He turned and headed down the stairs leaving Finnick and Katniss alone again.
"Did you get some rest?" Finnick asked.
"Yes, thank you, but you didn't have to do that," she said quietly.
"I know but we can't have you waking up the whole neighborhood can we? Besides it's been a long time since I woke up next to a beautiful woman," he joked.
Katniss picked up another pillow and threw it in his face, "go downstairs before he comes back up." Finnick's laughter followed him out of the room.
Katniss sighed and turned to look at the half-empty bottle of liquor on her nightstand. Unlike most days she didn't feel it's pull. She wasn't sure if it was actual sleep, not being hungover, or Finnick's presence but instead of picking it up she found herself walking downstairs to join everyone in the kitchen. She could already smell Sae's cooking wafting through the house, her stomach grumbled in surprising anticipation.
Katniss did a double-take when she walked into the kitchen. The table had been piled with food that she hadn't seen since her Victory Tour. There were eggs, ham, fried potatoes, a variety of fruit, and fresh milk. Haymitch was already shoveling forkfuls of food into his mouth, Finnick was piling food onto a plate, and Sae's granddaughter was sitting at the end of the table quietly nibbling on scrambled eggs
Sae was at the stove still cooking when she saw Katniss, "glad to see you up and about girl. I figured you'd finally be ready for a real meal and of course we have a guest. We can't feed him that gruel you've been eating."
"Thank you Sae, but where did all this come from?" Katniss remembered the shipments coming into District 13 and she hoped that all the districts were eating as well as they were.
"From the other districts and the Capitol. Lots been happening while you've been drunk girl. We get regular deliveries now. You order what you want out of a catalog and it comes on the train. And we got some shops about to open. They'll have the necessities and they're about to break ground on a medical facility to make medicine. But that's enough for now, sit and eat before it gets any colder." Katniss tried to wrap her head around all this information as she walked to the table and sat down. Finnick handed her the plate he had been preparing and set about making one for himself.
Soon they were all seated and no one spoke as they ate, Sae watched them like a mother hen from her place at the stove.
When they had all finished eating Katniss begin to help to clean up. Finnick and Haymitch were talking quietly while Haymitch nursed his drink. Sae's granddaughter took several dolls from her bag and played in the living room. Katniss paused clearing the dishes and took in the scene around her, for single moment she felt normal, like she might be able to do this. Like everything she had lost might have been worth it.
Just as suddenly a brown and white blur came flying through the open window past her, causing her to drop the plates she had been holding, several of them shattering in the sink. Everyone stopped and stared as the blur settled on the recently cleaned table hissing and flexing it's claws on the polished mahogany. Buttercup had come home.
Sae spoke, "He showed up a few weeks after you got home, pretty beat up but I took him in and cleaned him up. I think he's been waiting for you."
"It was the waste of a trip. She's not here," Katniss told him. Buttercup hissed again. "She's not here. You can hiss all you like. You won't find Prim." At her name, he perked up. Raised his flattened ears. Began to meow hopefully. "Get out!" He dodged the cup she threw at him. "Go away! There's nothing left for you here!" she started to shake, furious with him. "She's not coming back! She's never ever coming back here again!" She grabbed another glass. Out of nowhere, the tears began to pour down her cheeks. "She's dead." She sunk down on her heels, crying. "She's dead, you stupid cat. She's dead." A new sound, part crying, part singing, came out of her body, giving voice to her despair. Buttercup began to wail as well. He circled her, just out of reach, as wave after wave of sobs racked her body. But he must understand. He must have known that the unthinkable had happened and to survive would require previously unthinkable acts.
Haymitch wasn't phased by Katniss's outburst and simply poured another drink. Sae seemed to be shocked into place, but Finnick didn't hesitate and was by her side immediately wrapping his arms around her, rocking her through her tears.
"It will be okay Katniss, it's alright." He whispered in her ear.
"No it's not, nothing will ever be okay again."She cried burying her head in Finnick's shoulder. The entire scene only lasted a few moments but the silence, aside from Katniss's sobs, seemed to last forever.
"Sae, why don't you take Daisy home we can handle the rest. Thank you so much for a wonderful meal," Finnick said.
Sae cast her gaze towards a still shaking Katniss but nodded. "I'll be back around dinner time." She walked to the living room and gathered up Daisy, who seemed oblivious to what had happened, closing the door softly behind them.
"Looks like that's my cue too. You going to be okay Sweetheart, Fish boy?" Haymitch stood up from the table and drained his glass. When Finnick nodded he left as well.
Finnick helped Katniss up and led her to the chair Haymitch had just vacated and knelt next to her. His hands never left hers.
Katniss let the tears flow more freely than she ever had before. Even after her first Reaping, it all seemed to demand to be let go at once. She felt the weight of everything that had been taken from her crushing her. Buttercup had ripped open the wound of Prim and Peeta's deaths, and if possible made it hurt even more. Having him stare at her accusingly only served to remind Katniss that she had failed to protect her sister.
Katniss instinctively reached for the bottle, with it sweet promise of relief. Finnick pushed it out of her reach.
"No, no more drinking, it won't make this better."
"Nothing is going to make this better but at least it won't hurt as much." She wiped her face with her sleeve.
"Let me help you Katniss. Please" Finnick begged.
"How are you going to help? What can you do?" She choked out
"I can be here. You can talk to me," he pleaded.
"What the hell good is talking going to do? It didn't help they when they tried to make me talk to the doctor."
I'm not a doctor Katniss, I'm right here. I'm your friend. If anyone can relate to what you're going through I'm the clear winner."
"How do you do it? How do you get up everyday and just live?"
"It wasn't my first choice after Annie... after Annie died. I didn't think anything would be okay again but Jo, she wouldn't give up on me, she called me every night. I would sleep all day because it was too hard, but she refused to let me wallow, she made sure I did least one thing every day. She stayed on the phone with me the whole time until it was done. Sometimes we would cry, sometimes we wouldn't say anything, and sometimes we would fight. But she was always there. I didn't leave the house for a while. But she didn't care, even if it was just doing the dishes or eating a real meal.
Everyday it got a little easier. It still hurts every second of every day, but Jo reminded me that even though Annie was gone it would devastate her to see me like that. She would be ashamed for me to live my life that way and would want me to keep moving forward. Everyone sacrificed so much, some more than most to give us a better life, a better life for all of them and we owe it to them to live that way. The ones who died would want that for us. The hurt and pain never goes away Katniss, but maybe, just maybe we can make it hurt a little less together. We don't have to be alone."
Finnick gripped her chin and turned her face to look him in the eyes, "Please trust me."