She flinched with every ring, she had forgotten she even had a telephone. Finnick squeezed her shoulder before walking over and picking up the receiver.
"Everdeen household," his voice was clipped with a Capitol accent, all business.
When the voice on the other end spoke his face relaxed and he waited until Katniss had ushered everyone out before holding the phone to her. "It's your mother."
Katniss's whole body trembled, what was she going to say? What was there to say? She had failed, as soon as she had been crowned a victor, while saving Peeta's life, she had signed Prim's death warrant. If she was honest with herself the moment she had volunteered a part of her had known she was sacrificing them both.
Quieting the voices in her head she took a breath before taking the phone from Finnick's hand. "Mom?"
She tried to ignore the rush of gratitude that flowed through her body at her mother's sigh of relief. "Katniss. I've been so worried"
Any resentment that Katniss felt towards her melted away and for just a moment she latched on to all of the love that she had missed over the years. She let everything else fade away and slid into the embrace of her mother's voice.
"How are things in 4?" Katniss asked, willing her voice to be steady.
"Things are okay. They've finished building the hospital, but there is still a lot to do. I spend most of my time there, it makes things easier." Her unspoken words hit Katniss like ice water. It makes it easier to forget, to forget District 12, to forget Prim, to forget her.
They were both silent for a few long breaths before Katniss managed to whisper, "I'm glad, that's where you should be, helping people. That's what Prim would have wanted."
Just saying her name made Katniss sob, "I'm so sorry I couldn't save her. I tried, I tried so hard. "
She heard her mother's voice catch in her throat before murmuring, "Oh Katniss, you did everything you could, I...Prim knows you tried."
"No...no I could have...I should have done more..." she felt the tears coming, her vision clouded with blond pigtails, white roses, and flames, overwhelming anything else.
"No," her mother said with more conviction than Katniss remembered her having, "that's enough. You have to stop blaming yourself. None of this was your fault..."
Her mother continued to speak but Katniss was drowning in her own memories, oblivious to Finnick's hands running up and down her arms trying to ground her to the present.
She felt herself slipping as she replayed Prim's last moments in her mind. She was barely aware of Finnick taking the phone from her hand, he said a few words to her mother before carrying her upstairs. After so many days of feeling like she might have things under control her mother's voice was enough to send her right back to oblivion.
Three days passed before Katniss even moved in her bed. She could feel Finnick by her side, trying to talk her through the guilt, but the memories were relentless.
Sae left breakfast every morning and Finnick never pried or questioned her, instead pushing food or drink into her reluctant body. Every part of her cried for the numbing relief of alcohol but Finnick was always there to stay her hand. He had apparently decided to stay with her and she cursed his presence with every breath.
She spent most of the days contemplating if she was going to dissolve into a mess every time Prim or the games were mentioned and most nights berating herself for being so weak and wishing she could take Prim's place.
When she tore herself awake from yet another nightmare on the fourth day everything hit her full force as her whole body shook with sobs.
"Welcome back Kitten," Finnick murmured from his perch in the chair at her bedside. She said nothing, instead recalling with painful clarity every harsh word she had spoken while he sat by her side.
"I couldn't save her, I couldn't save anyone that mattered," Katniss whispered after a few moments, she wrapped her arms around her legs and buried her head in her knees. Faces flashed before her eyes and she began to name them off, "Mags, Annie, Boggs, Jackson, Leeg 1&2, Castor, Cinna, Peeta, Prim. They're all dead because of me."
Finnick placed his hand on her arm, "Katniss you have to stop, you have to stop putting all of this on yourself. You could have never saved them all. Not one person expected you to except for maybe yourself. They're always going haunt you, but you have to learn to live with their ghosts; there's no bringing them back. We can't change it, nothing can change it." He let out a soft sigh and sat next to her on the bed.
"Prim knew that it might not be safe when she went to the Capitol. She did it anyways, Peeta ran into a wall of fire to try to save her. Both of them knew what it meant going to the Capitol, they knew they might not come back. They did it because they believed in what we were doing, they were brave. Like you."
This only made Katniss angry, "I wasn't brave, I was stupid, nothing but a foolish child," she cried jumping from the bed, "I should have saved her...I knew what Snow...what Coin was capable of! I am responsible for her death, her blood, their blood is on my hands!"
The composure Finnick had held since his arrival seemed to finally reach it's breaking point, he jumped up leveling his eyes with Katniss's."How? How could you know? We all figured Coin would kill you if Snow didn't beat her to it. Most likely with me beside you; we have and always will be expendable to people like them. None of us could have known what would happen, and we did it anyways. Every single person you just named, along with thousands of other people put their faith in you, whether you wanted them to or not. You might not have asked for it but they did and you freed them Katniss, you gave them hope when they had nothing."
He cupped his hands around her face forcing her to look at him, "I know you only wanted to save Prim, I know that with every fiber of my being, but you did so much more than that. I know that's not what you see but sometimes you don't get to choose which path you take, you don't get a choice in the way things happen. You inspired a nation, you united them, Katniss, you gave them freedom. With everything that happened we did our best."
"My best went up flames so please tell me what was it worth to me? The Rebellion, the Capitol, they ended up being one in the same and Prim is dead either way! If I had just let Peeta kill me in the first games none of this would have happened. He would be a Victor and Prim would be safe," her voice cracked as tears streamed down her face.
"And then what? Peeta would be forced to be a Capitol whore like me and Prim would spend the next six years with her name in that bowl just waiting for Effie to call out her name, and you wouldn't have been there to do a damn thing about it. You, me, Johanna, Haymitch, Beetee, hell even Enobaria, have nothing left, they took everything from us. No one is denying that, no one is trying to take that from you, least of all me. That's what they do, what they will always do. But we are still here and we owe it to them, the ones who died, to live the lives they will never get to have. We live for their memories because they believed in something that was bigger than all of us."
"Everyone I have ever loved is gone, at least before this they had a chance. I'm not like you Finnick, I can't just act like everything is okay. You can't fix me and I don't want you to. I don't want to get up everyday and pretend like my life is worth something. I should have died in the games and if not then the Capitol," Katniss turned away from him, defeat in her voice.
"Where does that leave anyone? They loved you Katniss and they sacrificed everything for you, and that has got to mean something for us. If it doesn't what did they die for, what did Annie die for? So please Katniss tell me, if it all means nothing then what the fuck do we have left? You think that I'm okay, that things are just fine for me? That's it's easy for me to get up and get on with my life? That I can look at you everyday and not be reminded of everything I've lost?" Finnick lost all of his self control, flinging the vase of fresh flowers Sae had left shattering into the wall across from them. Katniss flinched but didn't turn around.
He cast one more look at her before stalking out and slamming the door behind him.
She heard Finnick exchange a few words with Sae just before the front door closed. She listened to Sae bustling around the kitchen as his words washed over her, the echo of his anger crashing in her ears.
Annie hadn't even crossed her mind since that first night when she had accused him of trying to forget her. When that's exactly what she had done, it was so easy to forget that she wasn't the only one suffering. Finnick had lost just as much as she had, his wedding to Annie was the first thing to flash in her mind followed quickly by Mags walking into the fog. Despite the loss of his future he was there with her in District 12, trying to remind her of who she was or trying to forget himself she wasn't sure. Most likely a combination of both, which just made her chest constrict tightly. She had never asked for any of this.
Katniss screamed until she was hoarse, not caring who would hear her. How dare they try to take this from her after everything they had asked, she had earned the right to do as she pleased. Yet here she was trying to act like things were okay, trying to pretend that there was something left for her here.
To hell with them all.
She went to the back of her closet and after a few minutes of digging found what she was looking for. Sitting in an ignored suitcase from her Victory Tour was a bottle of clear liquor, one she had taken from Haymitch after a pathetically vicious argument. As she sat against the chest of drawers savoring the liquor as it slid down her throat she thought it was a bit of poetic justice. She owed no one anything and she breathed a sigh of relief as the liquid burned its way into her stomach. She embraced the haze with every gulp, the demons in her head truly quieting for the first time in days. Nothing could touch her, even if it did she didn't care.
Hearing Sae walk up the stairs Katniss made no move to leave her place in the closet, quietly musing to herself the place she couldn't escape from fast enough earlier had suddenly become her place of refuge. Sae merely tutted her and set a tray of food on the end table before she went about cleaning up the broken vase. Once she was finished she sat down in Finnick's recently vacated chair.
"Haven't we already done this dear? Lord knows that boy has done nothing but try to help you and you repay him by screaming at him. Now what good has that ever done anyone?"
The bile rose in her throat, she knew he would never admit it but she still felt guilt at the fact that while she hadn't asked him to come she never considered what he was giving up to be there. Another mad victor that he gave every part of himself to save with little thought to himself.
Katniss took another drink before responding, "I never asked to be rescued, that's on Haymitch. I told Finnick I wasn't going to be substitute for Annie, I don't need someone to come here and fix me, I don't want it. Win the games and live in peace, that was the deal wasn't it? I think I went above and beyond, Snow is gone, Coin is gone. I liberated Panem, doesn't that earn me the right to live the rest of my life as I see fit? I don't remember anyone bothering Haymitch this much," her mind recalled him vomiting all over himself at her reaping. He had won and no one had expected anything more from him; the only time he was really seen was during the games. Even then he was barely conscious.
"Show's over, the time for keeping up appearances is long gone, I think an arrow to the new President's chest is proof enough of that. Who are any of you to tell me what to do? Prim and Peeta don't care, they're gone, they don't need me to keep them alive anymore. Everyone else is allowed to forget, why can't I? Gale gets to stay in 2, Johanna gets to do what she wants in 7, I don't see anyone trying to make Haymitch sober. Even my mother gets to run away to District 4, to get away from every excruciating memory that District 12 has to offer. Why can't I just be left alone?"
Sae seemed to take Katniss's words thoughtfully before simply responding, "Katniss Everdeen I have seen many things in my years, some pleasant, most not. I've known your family since before you were even a thought and in all of my years I have never someone with more fight in them. Even when you were a young'un bartering with your father in the Hob there was something about you. It takes a special kind of person to inspire people the way that you did. No one, least of all me, is saying you don't deserve to be left alone and if that's what you want I won't begrudge you that. Whatever you decide just remember whether we like it or not reality always makes it presence known. You might not see it but you are worth saving." Sae stood from the chair walked out without giving her a chance to respond. Katniss ignored the food, instead taking another drink and letting herself get lost in the familiar warmth of the alcohol.
Finnick slammed into Haymitch's house, his vision blurred with sadness or rage, he couldn't decide. He ignored the look that a well fed and mostly sober Haymitch gave him as he reached for the half empty bottle on the table, drinking until he choked.
The silence stretched as Finnick wiped the tears streaming down his face while Haymitch pretended to be interested in the television. Finnick had been a fool to think that coming here to help Katniss would help anything at all. Who was he to give advice to a woman who had lost just as much as he had?
Annie and Mags floated through his thoughts. Mags taking him under her wing after he won, her walking him through countless games, soothing him as tribute after tribute died in front of his eyes. The way she held him after he learned what being a Victor truly meant. Her goodbye before walking into to the fog to save them. The moment Annie had become a Victor, their time spent in their cave, the way she clung to him as he promised to come back to her year after year of being forced to mentor and the final time, when he pried her fingers away as he followed Katniss into the Capitol.
He loved Annie with his whole heart, from the beginning they had a connection that he thought could survive anything. She never asked and neither did he. They both took what they needed from each other, and usually that meant one of them ignoring the other until the tears were nothing but broken sobs as one bad memory after another assaulted them. It was also something pure, something Finnick did his best to make sure the Capitol couldn't tarnish.
Annie had sneaked up on him, but in a way he hadn't expected, she was someone who could quiet the voices, the guilt, the expectations of the Capitol. Unlike anyone else she never questioned where he had gone, time seemed to hold no meaning to her. As if the only passage of time was when he left and when he returned, she never pried, never looked at him with jealousy or pity. She was never possessive or demanding, seemingly content with the small bit of himself he could give her and that was made her so special to him.
He was never more himself when he was with Annie and now she was gone and even though he wasn't trying to treat Katniss that way she was slowly becoming that, his escape from the Capitol, a way to keep himself, at least of piece of it hidden away.
Because once the Capitol had fallen he had become a whole new kind of celebrity, something Katniss had seemingly been able to avoid. Or at the very least ignore. Snow might be gone but the Capitol hadn't really changed. There were still plenty who wanted to know every single thing about him, his distraction while Peeta and Annie and Joanna were being rescued seemed to only fan the flames. He had exposed Snow's secrets along with countless others, but at the same time he had bared the deepest parts of himself, allowing them to see him for what he truly was. The Capitol being the Capitol, even in this new day and age, had eaten it all up. They wanted to know every sordid detail and even though Paylor had kept them from District 4 the media had still dissected every word he had said. His saving of the mad Mockingjay and everything that implied being their favorite topic of discussion.
From the beginning he was under no illusion about the woman Katniss Everdeen was and it became even more apparent after the hours he spent with her as he tied his rope waiting for nothing in District 13, when they were both too broken to be of any use. She stayed with him even when they had thought Annie and Peeta were lost to them forever. To anyone that mattered they knew Prim had been her only restraint and even then no one was prepared for what she was capable of once she was gone.
A part of him that had sprung to life when he had seen her chariot ride out into the Capitol Square. Immediately he had noticed something different, not just in the way Cinna had styled them or the way she and Peeta had raised their hands over their heads as their chariot rode by. Here was someone who hadn't resigned themselves to the games or volunteered to bring honor to their district. He knew this was a girl with her own agenda, she wouldn't be a Capitol puppet.
This was only reinforced when they had met during the Quarter Quell. She was fighting for something more than just survival, that much was obvious. What wasn't obvious, at least to her, was the effect she had on people. There was a spark he had seen in her, that fire burning in her eyes had given him the first hint of life he had seen in years and he wasn't the only one who saw it.
Even though he knew she would see him as an enemy in the arena he had been more than eager to align himself with her. The fact that she was immune to his charm during training solidified his choice and he smiled as he watched her and Mags together. He had taken the golden bracelet from Haymitch knowing what it meant for him. He was promising to give his life to save her even if she never trusted him and even though she had no idea what she about to become a part of. She was everything they had hoped and more.
Even when Coin had tried to spin another Hunger Games, droning on about recompense, the Victors had easily seen past her farce. He saw Katniss's eyes flash with that same defiance he had seen in the Capitol and voted in her favor, eager for the same revenge.
Together they had walked out hand in hand for Snow's execution, his mind drifting back to the first time he had seen her, the girl on fire.
So when she had loosed her arrow into Coin's heart there was no hesitation as his trident simultaneously buried itself into Snow's chest. The moment it had left his fingers he had clamped his hand over the nightlock capsule on her suit. He was well aware what her intentions were, having contemplated the act himself thousands of times over the years.
He recalled the way Katniss's teeth had sunk into his knuckles, drawing blood, stopping her death as Coin toppled from her platform. The way she had screamed at him, cursed him, as they carried her away still ringing in his ears. He refused lose her like he had lost Annie.
Perhaps it was selfish and no matter what he told himself it all came down to the fact that he didn't want her to leave him alone.
Maybe she was right, maybe there wasn't a point. There were so many who weren't broken, people who would flourish now. Those people were the future, so where did the Victors, the War Heroes fit in? They would never be able to live normal lives, their pasts made sure of that. After everything that they had been through would it ever be enough to settle into this new life, was that even possible? Was it fair to ask them to?
He fell into the chair he had pulled Katniss from and let himself get lost watching the flames.