When Katniss woke in the morning, greeted by the all too familiar feeling of a hangover, she found herself drooling on a makeshift bed of the luxury dresses that Cinna had crafted. Sighing without allowing herself to give it much thought she walked to the bathroom and granted herself a small shower before twisting her hair up into her usual braid and moving back to the bedroom. The food Sae left the night before sat there taunting her, so she grabbed the tray and made her way back downstairs.
She was blessedly alone, somehow Sae had a supernatural ability to tell when Katniss needed time for herself so the kitchen was empty. Katniss monetarily felt herself missing the sound of Finnick's chatter, the way he drew everyone into the conversation with ease. Even Haymitch would give himself a moment of relief from slugging back his booze to laugh at whatever Finnick was saying. The delighted laughs from Daisy as Finnick doted on her and Sae's exasperated but fond expression as she watched them from the stove were also briefly missed.
With an almost snarl Katniss shoved the thoughts from her mind and swallowed down her meal. Once her plate was washed and she had no other pressing matters she found herself surfing through the channels on television like she would do if Finnick was there, she didn't let herself think too much on it. Her hand stilled when she saw her mother facing her on the screen. She was talking to a reporter, obviously from the Capitol if her bright blue hair and exorbitant make up were any indication. Katniss turned the volume up and sat on the edge of the couch. "... and of course one of the most important things we are hoping to accomplish as quickly as possible is to get easy access to healthcare for all of the Districts, it's definitely a top priority for myself and for the New Capitol. So many Districts are lacking even the most basic health care resources and we are working as quickly as we can to get trained doctors and healers stationed and hospitals established where they are severely needed. While District 4 will remain the central hub for medicine we want to be sure that everyone has access to the services that are desperately needed and lacking. While there are still some things to finish setting up we are opening our doors and plan to start offering people the kind of care they deserve immediately. Along with the new additions to the building we have ongoing training programs so that we can bring in more support staff and hopefully soon get more clinics open in other districts. We have a lot of great things in the works."
Katniss was glued to the television and she couldn't stop herself from grinning as her mother smiled and cut a yellow ribbon. Her mother looked better than she had in years, as if she had found a small part of peace with herself.
There was more discussion about the new hospital and when the reporter tried to get her mother to answer questions the Capitol obviously had about Katniss her mother swept them aside with grace she hadn't known she had possessed. Mrs. Everdeen stood tall and proud, only someone who knew her could see the familiar grief burning in her eyes.
Katniss closed her eyes, letting emotions wash over her in waves, there was gratitude that her mother had found a cause, sadness at the thought that it wasn't Prim leading the charge beside her, a short burst of anger that her mother had seemingly escaped or at least managed to hide the trauma that accompanied the mention of her daughters, and guilt for begrudging her mom something that brought her any small amount of peace. All of these feelings warred inside of her trying to over take the feelings of resentment that came from the catatonic state she had dragged her mother from after the mine explosion.
Where was this side of her mother when her father died? This woman was unrecognizable from the woman had done nothing but slide into darkness when her husband died, leaving her two daughters to fend for themselves. The woman who would rather starve than acknowledge anything was wrong. Katniss thought of all the times she had forced food into her mother's mouth all the while screaming at her for abandoning them. Still her mother refused to let anything from the real world in. Content to let herself fade to the ether just to avoid dealing with her pain.
Katniss thoughts stopped short at that accusational diatribe. Thinking too hard along that train of thought led down the path that remarked on the disturbing similarities she shared with her mother. This was not the same thing, she argued to herself, this wasn't comparable. Katniss didn't have any responsibility so it was absolutely not the same thing. She was all alone, there wasn't a single person depending on her survival anymore. Alone, nothing left and that sat fine with her.
With a groan she switched the television off and looked out the window. There was no movement at Haymitch's house that she could see. Even if there was she told herself she didn't care, Finnick wouldn't want to see her anymore that's for sure. She wouldn't be surprised if he had caught the first train back to District 4. He didn't need her baggage on his own. Finnick was a poster child for self flagellation without her adding to it.
She scoffed at her inner ramblings and made her way back to the kitchen. Without much thought she found another bottle of liquor behind the flour and sugar. She had totally forgotten about it because she had never thought she needed it. It was just second nature, hoarding supplies. So there it was behind the ingredients that were never used and she sighed softly as she took the first drink. It burned her throat like fire, this wasn't the prize stash she was able to order from the Capitol, this was rot gut probably brewed in someone's bathtub and still she gave a small purr of relief as the alcohol flowed through her veins.
She wanted to forget, just like she always did. Forget about Prim and her mother and the guilt that accompanied every memory of them. Haymitch and his compliance, Sae with her determination to not let Katniss wither and die, and Finnick's newfound determination to make her a better person. She wasn't the better person, she never would be. She had killed Coin for the simple fact she was instrumental in Prim's death, Snow had been the original cause so he had died too, and everything she had done in her games and propos were nothing more than fanfare.
Little shows to hide her bloodlust for everyone who had tried to drag her dear sweet Prim in to the lion's den. She had made them all pay and that was what mattered Katniss thought as she gulped the the mouthful of booze.
She sighed as she was swallowed by the numbness that came with every drink. She had the feeling memorized by then, by the third drink she knew that she was well on her way to the peace she longed for.
The lightness and pure carelessness that accompanied the burn. Singing through her veins telling her that it was okay to let go for even just a little while. Nothing could touch her while she was in its grasp.
But almost as suddenly as she found relief Finnick's face appeared. He gave her a look, not filled with condemnation but understanding. Which was possibly worse. She imagined Finnick sprawled across her couch as he was so apt to do these days, she knew his eyes would be cataloging every movement, every slide of her throat as she chugged down more of the bottle.
All the warmth was negated just by the memory of him. No judgement just calm and calculating in his own infuriating way. She felt tears form on her face and she felt the scream of frustration rip from her throat.
He read her better than anyone ever had. His too knowing gaze, the crook of his eyebrows, his damn laugh at her indignant attitude. That stupid smirk he got when he knew he had pressed too many of her buttons and backed off just before he pushed her too far. All of the things he had learned while they had been crowded together in 13. Two lost souls clinging together for life, both teetering on the razors edge. But easily ignored when Annie and Peeta had been returned to them. Now they were nothing but shadows that continued to haunt them both. Their anchors to this world gone, leaving them both adrift in a punishing storm of self doubt, anger, and vengeance.
It was easier this way she decided, letting Finnick hate her, she could never let anyone get close, anyone who did always suffered. Her father the first in line and Prim rounding it out with screams that were lost among so many innocent deaths.
Fuck, why wasn't the alcohol making any of this go away? This was what she depended on, the booze was supposed to quiet her ghosts not making her relive every demon she had been trying to ignore.
She blamed Finnick, before he had shown up it was easy to just let it sooth all the aches. It was easier to lie to someone else than it was to lie to yourself and all that. She refused to think about how his arrival disrupted the small world of denial she had built around herself.
Through everything she had never been a damsel, she didn't need to be rescued or saved. From past interaction it was her doing the saving, too used to handling her own problems it was a fact that wouldn't be reconciled.
She had never loved Gale romantically and no matter what she felt about Peeta it was nothing as passionate or star crossed as she had allowed everyone to think. She would never allow herself to think of that, every moment of her thoughts was consumed by protecting Prim and then her vengeance, once that was all done she allowed herself this haze of denial. Therefore thoughts of Finnick's smile as he pulled her onto the couch to watch another terrible cooking show were not to be examined too closely.
She glared at the bottle, she should not be thinking about the way him and the way he would smirk at her as she paced around the room for hours.
He was so casual but always careful when he spoke to her. She ignored the way he skirted around things that would trigger her while still filling up her silences with nonsense.
She took one last pull off the bottle, hoping that that would be the drink that put her over the edge of her memories, before throwing it down in annoyance. There was the lightness that the alcohol brought, but without Finnick or Sae or even Haymitch to distract her she felt the walls closing on her. She was left with a feeling of restlessness that left her prowling through the house. She paused when she found herself in the study. One of the rooms she had avoided at all costs since her and Finnick's initial cleaning of the house.
Waiting for her on the desk was a small pile of letters that Sae must have left behind on her last visit, the rest were still piled in the corner. She took a breath and walked over, trying and failing to push away the images of Snow sitting at this very desk, the smell of roses overwhelming her. As quickly as she tried to shove them down she felt the memories wrap tightly across her chest, constricting her lungs. Gasping she pulled herself away and stumbled to the front door. More out of muscle memory than actual intent she slipped on her hunting boots and pushed herself out the front door.
She took deep breaths willing the rose scent to fade from her lungs. She half stumbled towards the path that would take her to the forest. Her breath came in short gasps and she clutched at her throat. Her vision was fading around the edges, half fueled by alcohol half panic as the emotions overwhelmed her.
She came to a stop at the tree just before the fence where her already short supply of breath stopped. There was a group of people surrounded by tools standing at the entrance of her forest. The first recognizable face she saw was Thom, she had seen him in District 13 but she didn't know he had returned to 12.
They were cutting away at the fence that had separated her forest from 12. Her once safe space that at the moment did nothing but remind her of her father and Gale. She wasn't prepared for how the nostalgia hit her. Songs with her father, root hunting with Prim, morning walks checking traps with Gale.
My name is Katniss Everdeen, my home is District 12, she willed the mantra to repeat itself in her head not even noticing when Thom had stopped in front of her.
"Hey Katniss, can you breath for me?" he asked. Something in voice was so familiar it seemed to break through the panic. He stood in front of her, hands held up in a placating matter.
She and Thom had been friends before, she used to listen to him answer questions in school and then the small conversations he had with Gale as he left the mines every day. His voice was enough of a reminder of her past to ground her to the present. He was wise enough not to touch her instead just murmuring soothing words until she got her breathing under control.
Finally she let out a gasp and his shoulders relaxed. When her thoughts settled she focused on Thom. His grey eyes, so calm and earnest, standing away but looking directly at her coaxing her back to the present. He rubbed his hand across the back of his neck. She watched the choices play in his mind, confront her about her panic attack or ignore it completely. She felt something in her chest unclench as he chose the latter. "What brings you out this way Katniss?"
"I really just needed some air, I felt like I was suffocating in my house and the forest has always been my escape. I'm not sure I even meant to come, my feet just brought me here," she replied probably a bit more honestly than she meant to. Damn alcohol.
Thomas just gave her a small nod, "well as you can see we're just cutting the old fence down. Not many predators left and even if they are they don't come near town anymore. Not much left for them."
She let out a small laugh. "I would have thought you all might have something better to do than cut down an old fence." As if she had any room to speak, she had spent the better part of a year locked away trying to drown herself.
"Sometimes continuously burying the dead is painful so it's nice to take a break and do something as meaningless as tearing a fence down," Thom said with only a small bite to his words.
Katniss was properly chastised, she had barely been able to walk through town to get her booze much less trying to turn town back into something livable. "Of course, I just didn't…"
Thom waved her apology to the side. "It's okay Katniss, this isn't exactly a situation you can prepare for. We're just trying to move through it the best we can. Besides...we have you to thank for all of this," he made a sweeping gesture through the rest of the District.
"Could have had it a lot less burned maybe." Katniss said.
Thom once again ignored her instead taking a second to observe the men and women working on the fence. "Look Katniss, I know this isn't easy for you. No one could have ever asked anything more of you and we know…we all know what kind of leader Coin would have been…" he lowered his voice as if anyone could actually hear him and said, "we know she would have been no damn better than Snow. Trading one in for a newer model. When you shot her honestly we all breathed a little easier. We knew it was the best thing you could have done for Panem. And if we knew it so did everyone else."
And that, Katniss has absolutely nothing to say to that. It never really occurred to her that others might have thought the same thing she did, had the same reservations. That Coin was just one more obstacle to their freedom, more of a hindrance than a saving grace. She killed Coin because of what she had done to Prim, but she also knew what kind of monster lurked behind that saccharine sweet voice. She had just assumed that every one had thought she had lost her mind.
Thom gave her another moment then cleared his throat. "Sorry to take up so much of your time," seeming to take her silence for anger or denial. He wiped his hand across his neck again. "So Im just gonna…"
"Let me help," Katniss found the words coming out before she even registered them. She then realized she wanted that, she wanted to help them whatever the task might be.
"Are you sure you're dressed for such a thing?" Thom gestured to her clothes. A light green cashmere sweater and soft khaki pants, "No offense it just looks like those pants could feed my family for a year." He was only half joking.
"I have more clothes than I know what to do with," she huffed. "Please Thom, I need something to do before I go insane." She half begged and found herself surprised at doing so.
He gave her another smile at that. "Okay, any idea what you want to do?"
"Probably something without other people around, I'm just…I'm not ready for that."
"Well luck be on your side because we're barely getting started on cutting the wires. So just start wherever and just make it easier to pull these posts out. There are buckets over there for the wire to be piled into." He gestured to several green bins off to the side.
"Thanks Thom," she took the tool he had been holding and a bin and made her way down a bit from where the others were working. Most of them tried to appear to look nonchalant but a few of them were openly staring. She ignored them all.
Every cut of the wire under fingers seemed to let another wave of grief flow through. Her righteous indignation came through every snap as the fence weakened around her.
Thom's proclamation that she had not been alone in her mistrust of Coin made her feel slightly less manic. Lifting a weight of something she hadn't even been aware she was feeling. Even Finnick sinking his trident into Snow had never given her an inkling that she had done the right thing. And yet somehow Thom giving a voice to her concerns and telling her she wasn't alone made her choice even more meaningful.
With the alcohol still barely floating in her system she felt every defiance she had hoisted on the Capitol. Prim. SNAP. Rue, SNAP. Leaving Peeta for the "feast" SNAP, the berries that had started it all, SNAP. Stopping Gales whipping, SNAP. Her alliance in the Second Quarter Quell, SNAP, the morphling, SNAP. Shooting her arrow into the ceiling of the arena, SNAP. The grim satisfaction of watching Coin fall from her self declared pedestal, SNAP. SNAP SNAP SNAP every wire felt like something lessening in her chest.
Every twenty feet or so she would stop and push the piles of wire into the bin, barely feeling the metal biting into her skin through the fragile fabric of her sweater.
Katniss worked until her muscles were screaming for relief and her sweater was peppered with pinpricks and streaks of blood. When she noticed that the sun had started to sink below the horizon she made her way back to the trail she had started on, surprising even herself at the progress she had made. Everyone else was gone but Thom was leaned against a tree next to a pile of tools. He let out small chuckle when she emerged from the path. "I hope you were serious about those other clothes, because I'm not sure those can be saved."
Katniss took a second to look down at herself. Even though she had done nothing but stand and cut wire her clothes were obviously unsalvageable. Katniss let a smile split across her face, maybe, she thought, the first smile she had that wasn't Finnick's fault. "Well I've got plenty more where they came from, not much dressing up to do when you sit up all night drinking by yourself." She choked on her laugh. This the first time she had even really acknowledged her drinking in front of anyone else except Haymitch and Finnick even though she knew the town was alight with gossip.
She was glad Thom seemed to take in the humor she was going for and he let out a small laugh. "Enough that I'll be seeing you tomorrow?'
Katniss paused, letting herself feel her body, the way her muscles ached from the abuse of the day, but the satisfaction she felt at accomplishing something. Finally doing something productive instead of remaining stagnant felt good, like a part of her brain had quieted from sheer exhaustion. Even though her arms screamed in protest she knew she would be returning. God she didn't even want to devolve into how that was a metaphor for her life.
"I think yeah, yeah I'll be back…" before she could say more the pale white flowers caught her eye. Just inside the border of the fence. Easily missed earlier because they were covered by other workers there were several Primrose bushes. Their flowers blinking at her like a beacon in the night.
Thom followed her gaze and saw the bushes. He stayed silent as several emotions flitted across her face. "I need...I..need…"Katniss didn't bother to find her words as she lurched toward a shovel and began to dig up the bushes. Thom said nothing apparently sensing the desperation in Katniss, instead he grabbed another shovel.
He helped her unearth every bush and move it into a wheelbarrow. He seemed to understand that Katniss couldn't speak so he let his voice wash over her as they made their way back down the path towards the Village. Every topic strategically avoiding Gale, Peeta, the Games, Prim, or her responsibility for the bombing of their home. She had never fully appreciated how tactful he was. Instead he filled the air with useless chatter, which Katniss hadn't even realized she missed in the several hours Finnick had been gone.
It was twilight by the time they stopped underneath her window and she pulled the shovel out. She began digging, Thom a silent partner beside her.
Part of Katniss was relieved that Thom knew she didn't have anything to say and didn't expect her to say anything either. But a traitorous part of her wished it was Finnick beside her providing an unnecessary commentary on what she was obviously doing, the importance of putting the roses where they were easily viewed. Every time she looked at the plants she would be reminded of Prim, would most likely hear her voice urging her to live. She knew it was significant that she planted the primroses, a step in the right direction.
It was however peaceful with Thom, she'd known him since they were children. He was someone that knew of the happy memories she had. He was also witness to many of the more heartbreaking ones. He remembered Prim's sweet smile. He knew her father. Knew the blow it struck her family when he was lost. He remembered her hollow cheeks and the bruises under her eyes as she worried about how her and Prim would survive. But he also knew when her and Gale went to the woods. He was one of the ones to benefit when they took down a deer. Everything with him involved less pain, the tolerable kind even. He was different somehow from all of the other travesties of her life. Separated from the Games and the Capitol, back when her biggest concern was how she was going to keep her family alive.
He was also a remnant of Gale, of a life that could have been before this monstrosity she was trying to disguise as a hopeful and meaningful life for herself. He understood what it was like to know that less than one tenth of everyone you ever knew was alive. He was missing the same faces as he walked through the remains of their District. That people they had known forever were gone, nothing left of them but a mass grave in the middle of a field that they played in as children. So many faces they would never see again. She recalled fondly how smitten with Bristol Thom had been, he had mentioned asking her to dinner after the Reaping with a small flick of hope in his voice. His furrowed brow the only sign of worry that she or he might be reaped before it could blossom into something real. She had no idea if Bristol had been lost but she didn't think she had the right to ask. But Thom was there as steady of a presence as he had ever been either way and in that moment she was grateful for what he was giving her.
She didn't know how much time passed but she offered him a small smile as they patted the earth back into place as each primrose was placed. Thom seemed to know that Katniss was not ready to talk about anything and she was once again thankful for the friendship they shared before the games had changed everything.
Maybe that's what made her speak up as they were digging the hole for the last bush. She had said as much to Finnick but it was different saying it to an outsider, someone who had no frame of reference, but had known her her whole life. Somehow it made it that more honest and raw.
"I never asked for this, everything I did was for the selfish reason of keeping Prim safe. I never wanted anything more than that. I never saw a future for myself besides taking care of my mother and Prim. I really never thought we would be reaped you know? It's terrifying every year but I never actually expected to hear Prim's name called. My whole life was wrapped up in keeping her safe and I didn't even hesitate to take her place. My death in the arena should have saved her. All I have left are ghosts, different choices I wish I could, should, have made. What am I supposed to do with that?"
Thom stopped for a moment, his foot still resting on the shovel as he spoke. "You might have saved her, but maybe not. If you knew then what would happen, how it would end? Would you still have done it?"
"In an instant," she answered, surprising even herself. "Now that she's gone and even knowing what I do now I still have done it. She would have wanted me to."
"Well maybe instead of thinking about all the things you would have changed you should try to live for her now. Do the things you would have wanted her to do. You wouldn't have wanted Prim to blame herself right, to stop living, if you had died instead?"
"Prim never had anything to take the blame for, she should have never been a part of this. She was just a kid, she deserved a chance at a real life," Katniss snapped.
Thom didn't flinch, just gave her a calculating look, "well don't you think she would tell you the same thing?"
Katniss felt her heart stutter because that's exactly what Prim would say, before humming noncommittally and turning her focus back to the dirt. Thom seemed to content to take her silence for the answer it was.
"They keep calling me a hero, interspersed of course with calling me crazy. I'm still the Mockingjay, I know I always will be. But I never put that on myself, I never wanted that, never asked for all of this responsibility. Now I'll never escape it. None of it was supposed to turn out this way. I would die in the games and Prim would be safe. Simple as that you know? Instead there was so much pain and suffering. And how much of the blood that has been spilled is on my hands?"
Thom sighed and set his shovel back into the wheelbarrow. "Katniss, none of this is your fault. God damn, honestly this is so much bigger than all of us. We both know every single one of us, especially you and the other Victors, were nothing but pawns in a bigger game. A game that had been playing itself out for years. You just surprised them, there's nothing more unpredictable than the power of love. It makes us capable of things we could never imagine. And it just so happened in your fit of righteous anger you managed to take out both the King and Queen of this nightmare we've all been caught up in. Even though you lost what you were trying to protect you need to decide what you want, because that is a choice you have now. A choice that neither Prim or Peeta will never have it's one that you gave to thousands of other people. They can make their own destiny now."
He paused and gave her a moment to let his words sink in. Katniss kept pushing down the dirt surrounding the freshly planted bushes not saying anything, but the tense line of her shoulders told Thom she was listening to every word.
"There's also another side to that coin," he continued, "sure you're the Mockingjay and it will always be that way now. Your name will go down in history, but how easily could it have been someone else?"
Foxface flashed in her mind. If she hadn't eaten those berries Peeta had found could she be sitting in place of Katniss? She was clever, there was no denying that. What kind of Mockingjay would she have made? Would she be considered the liberator of Panem? Would she have made it out? Would her emotional scars be less than those Katniss suffered?
For some reason she had never considered that. How easy it would have been for someone else to take her place. She knew she wasn't really special when it came to the Revolution, simply in the right place at the right time. Always expendable. But with the possibility set right in front of her she couldn't imagine it another way. There was nothing she wouldn't have done to win. Katniss knew, deep down, well maybe not even that deep, that if it came down to her and Peeta she would come out on top. He had said as much on the train in the beginning and she would have done whatever it had taken to keep Prim safe. Without Foxface she never would have even thought about the berries at that last moment. If it had been anyone else but Peeta she wouldn't have even hesitated in killing them. What would Foxface have done? Would she have thought of the berries? Perhaps she would have been forced to kill Peeta. The Games could have just continued on.
A thousand scenarios flashed through her mind at the ways things had fallen just so and had anything changed everything could be different.
Thom's voice broke through her internal monologue voicing several of the same thoughts. "I'm not sure it helps to hear how easily could it have been for someone else to fall into the role you played. Would they have inspired people the way you did? Would they have killed Coin or bought all of the garbage that she was selling? Would we have even gotten as far as we did? And a thousand other questions that will never have an answer. However like it or not it was you Katniss, you made the choices you made and in the end all of Panem is better for it. Your sacrifices are already being forgotten even though they'll always be what motivated you. Just know that every choice you made, everything you did made a difference for someone else."
There was something comforting about someone telling her she wasn't really that special. That it could have been anyone else. It gave her a sense of being grounded.
The growl of Katniss's stomach interrupted their silence. Thom let out a small chuckle seemingly okay leaving their conversation where it was. He piled the other shovel into the wheelbarrow and tipped his head to Katniss. "I should let you eat, don't think I didn't notice you didn't stop for lunch today. I'm going to leave this stuff here and if you want to come out in the morning you can bring it with you and if not I'll swing by and get it later on." Without another word he made his way down the path from the path back into town.
Her conversation with Thom was swirling in her mind as she gave the bushes one last glance and went inside.