Title : I'll show you mine…

Fandom : Harry potter

Genre : Slash, angst. (slightly AU maybe)

Pairing : so far, Draco/Justin Finch-Fletchley/Neville

Note : Companion to "I thought you cared" (lyrics from Sum 41's song, Pieces )

Summary : Neville wonders what it's like to have friends; Justin and Draco have to share a compartment on Hogwarts express because they both have some issues with their respective housemates…

Part fifteen

As days go by, I find myself questioning everything I once believed in…

I want to change, I really do… but those are such drastic changes.

I don't even know who I am under all those layers my father put on me…

No matter what I do, no matter what they say… I'll never be just myself.

I'll never be more than someone else's miniature…

The thing is, I can't live without a model… I'm no one without him.

Draco.

I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don't believe it makes me real
I thought it'd be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things that I said

Dropping my quill, I glare down at the diary on my laps…

Professor Snape is making me take a strange coloured, bitter tasting potion. He says it's supposed to inhibit my father's hold on me… if he ever tries to cast Imperio on me.

The only weakness of this plan is that the potion itself is clouding my mind. Making me lethargic and oblivious…

Thus leading to me forgetting trivial things… like the date, the exact emplacement of my dormitory, people's names and, sometimes, my own.

Snape has therefore advised me to keep a diary.

It is quite boring, in fact, but he says it's a matter of time before I start adjusting myself.

Though quite embarrassing, the whole situation makes me feel a little easier. Things don't get to me the way used to and I have been able to keep myself out of melancholy and self-loathing…

Now, that's an improvement.

To make things even more complicated, Finch and Longbottom are spending more and more time together and I'm starting to feel a little… out of place with them.

I think the effect of my last goblet is wearing off…

Things are not so bright and simple anymore; this room seems a shade darker than it was ten minutes ago and… depression is slowly sinking in…

))))))))OoO(((((((((

"Have you been putting diazepam in my potion, professor?" I ask, taking a mouthful and swallowing slowly, savouring the bitter taste of it.

Diazepam is an anti anxiety agent (benzodiazepines) used primarily for short-term relief of mild to moderate anxiety. It may also be used to treat symptoms of acute alcohol withdrawals, to help control epilepsy, or to relieve muscle spasms.

"No I haven't, Draco…" he says, quirking one elegant eyebrow at me with an air of mild confusion.

"Oh…" I smile, downing the rest of the goblet.

Slowly standing up, I turn around and head for the door.

"Err, where…?" I start, turning to him.

"You were heading for the Dinning Hall…" he sighs, waving me off.

"Thanks" I smile, exiting the room and closing the door behind me.

Hands in my pockets, I start down the corridor…

The Dinning Hall… Now, where will that be…?

)))))))))OoO(((((((((

If you believe it's in my soul
I'd say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I'm better off on my own

About half an hour later, I eventually end up at the entrance of the Dinning Hall.

Suppose we're still on holidays because the large tables are almost empty. A few feet away, Finch and Longbottom are sitting at the Hufflepuff table, obviously engaged in an animated conversation.

"But I thought you were staying over at my place for summer…" Finch frowns, discreetly brushing his fingers over Longbottom's under the table.

"Thought so too, but with Gran being ill and all…"

"I see…" Justin smiles patiently.

Did he ever smile to me like this…?

It's strange but I feel… like a stranger as I approach them…

Just my mind playing tricks on me, I tell myself, smiling and waving at them.

"Oh, Hii Draco!" Finch grins, patting the empty chair next to him.

"How are you feeling…?" Neville asks, concern in his smooth, gentle voice.

"F-Fine…" I smile weakly, sitting down next to Justin. "You…?"

Both frowning, they throw each other a glance…

"You do look a little pale…" Finch says, stroking his long fingers over my arm.

But it all feels a little cold and distant somehow, not as warm as it used to be…

Definitely not like it should…

Have I been absent long…? How many days since I last spoke to them…?

Closing my eyes, I try to concentrate…

It's weird.

"Draco…?"

"I'm alright" I snap suddenly, batting his hand away. "I'm fine…"

"Don't snap at him!" Neville scowls. "We were worried…"

"Oh yeah, worried you were!" I sneer, waving my hand. "Certainly didn't seem like it a few minutes ago… planning your summer holidays, you were!"

"Draco, calm down…" Justin tries, dropping his cool hand on my shoulder again. "What's--?"

"Don't touch me!" I yell, suddenly standing up to glare at him. "Just… just don't! If you so need to put your hands on someone, touch him! He's your boyfriend, isn't he?"

Shivering, I wrap my arms around myself to keep the cold at bay.

I'm freezing…

And their eyes… they're so cold as they pierce right through me.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Neville groans, looking… a little lost I guess…

I want to answer him, want to say I'm sorry, want to say it's just the potion talking for me…

But I can't, because it's just too cold, too empty…

Through the fog clouding my mind, I see Potter and Weasley approaching us…

"Something's wrong here…?" Potter asks, glaring at me.

And I suddenly feel the urge to run, the urge to hide from them all…

From weasley's scowl, from Potter's glare, from the hurt in Neville's eyes and the helplessness in Finch's…

And so I do…

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don't know how it got so bad
Sometimes it's so crazy that nothing can save me
But it's the only thing that I have

)))))))))End of Part Fifteen(((((((((

Note : weird, neh? xP