Betwixt and Between
Part 4
It had been just twenty-four hours since Tom had been returned to Voyager and the ship was buzzing with gossip. The Captain had made an announcement that Tom was back but had left out the details, hence the sudden speculation. Harry sat alone in the Mess Hall absently listening to what others were saying. He was trying not to laugh. At another time the rumours would have really bothered him but with Tom being back, everything just seemed better and a few stupid people were not going to ruin his mood. When Lt. Torres sat down across from him Harry smiled at her and she had to smile in return.
"It's good to see you more like yourself," B'Elanna commented to Harry.
Harry shrugged. "I suppose it's better than looking like I had just lost my best friend." B'Elanna and Harry shared a smile.
B'Elanna leaned closer to him and asked in a whisper, "How's Tom doing?"
Harry's smile faltered for a moment but he reminded himself that Tom had been through a lot recently. He friggin' died! It was only natural that he would be a little out of sorts. Also, he'd only been back for one day. "He's doing as well as can be expected. His injuries are healing a little slowly so I think he's in a bit of pain. The Doc can't do much for him either except monitor his progress." B'Elanna just nodded solemnly not looking up.
"I was thinking about going to see him after my shift, but maybe I'll wait until he's feeling better."
"I think you should go see him. It might be good for him become reacquainted with his life and his friends. I don't think Tom realises how many he has." Harry smiled at her and went back to his meal.
He has all the friend he needs in you, thought B'Elanna.
In the meantime Tom was at one of his all too regular visits to Sickbay to see the Doctor –the third since he'd been back. He wanted to monitor Tom's progress very closely since this was the first he'd heard of a sentient being that held both a physical and energy form. The intricacies of such a merger astounded him and every scan found something new to add to his file. Tom is a member of the crew and quite accident-prone the Doctor needed to know as much about Tom's new physiology as possible, in the likely event that Tom was injured. While the Doctor was fascinated with the 'new' Tom, Tom himself didn't seem to care at all. While the Doctor knew that Tom didn't have much of an affinity for Sickbay the young man did not complain at all. There hadn't been one rude or snide remark about the décor, not complaints about the holo-docs attitude and not even a feigned interest in what the Doctor was doing. It was like he was sleepwalking or something. His eyes were open but he was in a world of his own.
"I'm done for the day. I'd like to see you back here the day after tomorrow," the Doc instructed. Tom nodded once, got off the biobed and left without a single word. The Doc shook his head and had the dreadful thought that maybe the Tom Paris they knew really was dead.
That afternoon Harry managed to ditch his duties early, something he never did even when Tom had whined and complained that he worked far too hard. This time though it was only his concern for his friend that made Harry decide to neglect his duties. Sonya Spencer would cover for him and he'd okayed the switch with the Commander since he was the one in charge of the roster. As he headed to Tom's quarters Harry recalled the dull look in the first officer's eyes when he mentioned Tom. He wondered if the Commander had seen or talked to Tom since he returned. Probably not, since the entire time that Harry was speaking to him Chakotay looked like he wanted to ask him about Tom. For whatever reason he didn't and Harry took it as a sign that maybe Chakotay would go see Tom himself. He hoped so. He knew it would mean a lot to Tom if he did.
When Harry arrived at Tom's door there was no response to the chime. He asked the computer for Tom's location and was informed that he was in his quarters. He touched his commbadge and called for Tom but still received no response. A little more investigating found that Tom left his commbadge in his quarters. Harry could have done an internal sweep with the sensors but decided that he'd just wait. He knew Tom's code and Tom wouldn't mind (well the Tom he knew wouldn't). Making sure that nobody saw him, Harry entered Tom's code and entered his quarters to wait. He wouldn't wait long.
The door slid open and warily he stepped through. He was almost startled when it closed behind him cutting off his escape route. He reminded himself that the door would open whenever he stepped towards it. It calmed him and he continued forward stopping a few feet from the desk. His voice was lost somewhere and he just stood there silently for a moment or two. "How've you been, Seo?" He finally managed to choke out.
The man across the desk answered plainly. "Fine." Tom nodded and looked away. His eyes searched the room and came across familiar objects. He'd been in there more than a few times –usually for a reprimand- but just like his quarters and the rest of the ship it felt just a little off.
"You strained yourself in your program," Tom said suddenly, his eyes still averted.
"What?"
Tom reached his hand to this left shoulder. "Your shoulder, it hurts you, Seo."
"How do you know that?" Chakotay asked standing up.
The question confused Tom briefly but he answered as best he could. "You're my Seo. I'll always know when you're hurt or need help."
"I don't need your help!" Chakotay yelled. The vehemence and anger surprised even him.
"I know that. I just….I wanted you to know that….you still have me…" he whispered.
"I don't want you! I don't want your protection! I don't need it! You're the last person I'd ever want help from!"
Tom stared at the floor and nodded solemnly. He understood how Chakotay felt about him. He'd made that abundantly clear since they'd been out here. What Chakotay wasn't clear about though was how Tom felt about him. He deserved to know but was it fair? Should he burden Chakotay with a confession that he didn't want to hear and would never accept, at least not from him? What was he to do? He finally looked up into Chakotay's eyes and the hatred that burned there scalded his heart. He cowered in the face of such disdain. He couldn't tell his deepest desire to someone who would just through it back at him, adulterating the purest and strongest emotion attached to his soul. He opened his mouth to say something but faltered. What words could abolish hatred that even time could not erase. He felt a familiar stinging in his eyes and looked away. "You're right. I'm sorry, Seo," Tom said.
"Don't call me that! I'm not Seo! I'm not your Seo!" He yelled and Tom flinched internally. The desire to leave this place and go home was over powering but Osa had temporarily frozen his abilities and he had no choice but to take the verbal lashing that he knew he had somehow earned. "I am your commanding officer and that's all!"
The silence screamed at him louder than Chakotay's words which remained as a torturous echo in his mind. "No you're not," Tom said to himself and Chakotay was just barely able to pick out the words. Before he could say anything Tom spoke again. He raised his eyes to the dark ones that he had hoped would one day smile at him. "I'm sorry, I bothered you. I'll give you the distance you want Commander, just…give me some time…please. It's all I ask that you pardon me when I slip up –just for a little while. I hope that's not too much to ask for."
Chakotay rage cooled into a glacier leaving him bereft. His stance relaxed and his eyes saw more without the cloud of anger obscuring his vision. The tired and browbeaten being before him finally came into focus. Had he forgotten that Tom had been through a difficult time as well, suffering hardships and pains more than he could dare imagine? Had he not known that Tom would need to adjust as well and maybe he'd need closure from the incident? Who but him was closer to Tom in this incident? Of course he'd come here and Chakotay had only taken his frustration and confusion out on an already tired man. How had he forgotten? What was wrong with him?
The slumped shoulders, the tired blue eyes, the upset etched into every finely formed feature of his face, all spoke of Tom's own perils and demons. The slightly changed characteristics –the almost glowing gold hair streaked with white, the face that only an angel could be gifted with –was a constant reminder of the more profound and, from what he'd heard, painfully changes that he'd undergone in order to survive.
"I'll go now." Tom sighed shakily. He was out the door before Chakotay could utter another word. Chakotay sank back down in his chair and stared at the door. He put his hand to his head and leaned on the top of the desk. What had he done? Tom didn't deserve that. What was wrong with him? Why did just Tom's presence stir something so deep within him that it scared him in its intensity? How could he blame Tom for something that was none of his fault? Why did he react so strongly? And how could he hurt someone that he…he cared for…more that he dared to contemplate?
He gave a short laugh that came out more like a sob. Counsellor, counsel thyself.
Tom arrived back at his quarters and knew even before he entered that Harry was there. He walked in and walked past his friend to the washroom. Harry rose from the couch and followed. He'd never seen such a portrait of emotional pain on Tom's face. He found it scared him like he'd never been scared before. Tom was supposed to be untouchable. It was like the laws of the universe had suddenly changed. Nothing hurt him. Well, not nothing. Harry knew that Tom felt just as much or more than everybody else but covered his pain better, perfectly almost.
He watched as Tom watched. Tom stood there for minutes just staring at the mirror, or more precisely the person he saw there. The person he didn't recognize. The person he didn't know. "Tom?" He heard Harry next to him but didn't respond. He looked down. He understood now. How could anybody look at him and not be angry? Who could love such an abomination? He understood now how B'Elanna felt about being a hybrid. It meant not belonging. It meant that you were a monster; that you didn't deserve to be loved or accepted. B'Elanna wasn't a monster though. His brows furrowed and he looked up at his reflection again. B'Elanna was beautiful, he'd told her so more than once and he hadn't been lying. So how was he different? Was being half-Klingon different than being half-Alorem? Yes. For one thing Alorem didn't even exist naturally on this realm. He really wasn't meant to be here. Tom raised his hand and touched the mirror, a small part of him expecting his reflection to ripple and return to what it was supposed to be –what it had always been- before this happened. That's when he noticed that Harry was there, just beyond his reflection. Harry's reflection looked him in the eye but the voice came from behind him. "You see what I see?" He asked softly as though afraid too much sound would shatter something precious.
Tom leaned forward hand splayed on one side of the mirror to take his weight. "All I see is nothing."
"I see someone who's given more than anyone could ask for and asked for nothing in return but to be accepted. I see someone who'd willingly give his life for any member of his crew and any person who's lucky enough to come his way. I see someone who's lost a lot but gained just as much. Who's made mistakes but never refused to learn from them. Someone, who I look up to and am lucky enough to call my friend. I see you Tom…"
And that's all he'd wanted. Someone who saw him and that accepted him as he was, with all his flaws, all his strengths, all of him –even if he was changed and even if he was the same. Maybe with this he'd be able to look in the mirror and see the same thing now that he knew what he was looking for. One day when his memories weren't so jumbled, when his emotions weren't so raw, when he was strong again, he'd see himself again. Until then he just needed someone to help him…someone to lean on.
"You're not alone…" Strong arms wrapped around him from behind and a warmth pressed against his back. "You'll be okay…"
The shock of having Harry hug him wore off quickly. He touched his free hand to the arms wound around him as though to confirm their presence. A new energy sparked behind the blue eyes glimmering with moisture. He watched as beads of water fell from his eyes and traced a new path along his face, the wet trails shimmering. Suddenly more followed.
Behind him Harry held on. His forehead rested just at the base of Tom's neck. The silence was pushed away by a sob. He felt the body in his arms begin to shake as he finally released his fears and sorrow. He felt tears prick his own eyes and eventually fall to follow the path of his nose. He knew that Tom would not have done this. This release of emotion, that Harry would admit to have indulged in once or twice since being lost in the delta quadrant, was something he knew that Tom would never have considered. Feeling sorry for himself was something that Tom just didn't accept. He'd analyse his feelings just enough to push them away. Not this time. Harry didn't want Tom to analyse them, just accept them. You can't change how you feel and sometimes the cause is beyond you or your abilities, and that's when you just need to accept. Another sob cracked the brittle silence and Tom's grip on his arm tightened. 'I'll not leave you, Tom' Harry thought. 'Not when you need me to be strong for you, the same way you've been for me.'
The next day passed much like the day before. Duties were done. Friends gathered to gossip and enjoy each other's company, conflicts were started and resolved and the small society of Voyager sped homewards slowly covering the almost insurmountable distance. Tom seemed to be adjusting better but still held onto the hope that once Osa came he'd be leaving. It would hurt to leave Harry, and B'Elanna, and Neelix, Kes, Sam, Naomi, Megan, Jenny, Sue, Ken, Tabor, Chell, Gerron, Greg, Miranda, and the other friends who had visited him. Friends he'd never known he had. Still it would be easier this way. He'd found home on Voyager before but now he need to find a new one. He couldn't seem to fit here anymore and he was too tired to try.
He often felt Harry's eyes on him when they were together. Was he worrying about his mental health? Tom promised himself never to have a mental breakdown like that ever again at least not with somebody watching. Still he was grateful to Harry for being there and not holding it against him later. He was reluctant to tell Harry that he still planned on leaving. Can you blame him? He didn't want to hurt him. He didn't want Harry to feel that he was abandoning him –Tom going to his home when Harry couldn't go to his. It was unfair. Daily, the feeling to stay grew. His duty was to Voyager, at least until they got home. Then he could do as he pleased. He'd find his way back home again and then hopefully he'd be happy. All he wanted was to be granted his happy ending, even if the journey was difficult. As long as he could fly, no matter how bad the journey, he could make it.
The following day Tom had his appointment in Sickbay. He had nothing better to do and so in the morning he decided to get it over with. The corridors were busier than he expected and then it occurred to him. Gamma shift was being relieved and Alpha shift was just starting. If he wanted to avoid people this wasn't the time to be walking around. He didn't have any reason to avoid the crew other than to keep them from staring but it was bound to happen sooner or later. As he walked the corridors he greeted and was greeted by various people. They all looked for a little longer than was necessary and on more than one occasion he heard people talking about him after they thought he was out of earshot but it was nothing bad, just about the visible changes. He smirked. They didn't know the half of it.
He tested his Alorem abilities, extending them as far as they would go, trying to determine if he was at full strength yet. He wasn't but he felt an answering resonance to his energy. It was familiar and very similar to his. Osa was close by. Maybe he should let the Captain and bridge know. He shrugged. It wouldn't matter either way. He went to Sickbay and the Doctor greeted him and asked him to lie down on his usual biobed. Tom did so and halfway through the check up he felt Osa's presence getting closer.
"Hi," Tom greeted after Osa had appeared. He smiled at Tom and greeted the Doctor who mumbled something about unexpected guests. Tom and Osa conversed in a language that the translator couldn't decipher. The Doctor noticed that Tom's mood seemed to brighten with Osa being around. He referred to Osa as 'Paka' which the Doc correctly assumed meant 'father' or something along those lines. A few minutes later Captain Janeway and Lt. Tuvok entered Sickbay knowing that one of the Alorem would be there. The Captain didn't mind Osa showing up unexpectedly. He didn't mean them any harm and one of her crewmembers was his 'son'.
"Captain," Osa greeted. "I just came to check up on the little one."
Tom sat up from the biobed with a sigh saying, "I'm not little."
Osa looked at him questioningly. "Really? You're barely 28 of your years old. Compared to me, you're an infant." Osa smile benevolently at his son. He'd never known this type of emotion before –this satisfaction and joy at having someone who is a piece of you, a part of you. Alorem are rarely given a chance to procreate in such a manner. There usually isn't a need to since they live for so long.
"Infant my ass," Tom snorted. "Am I done Doc?"
"Yes Mr. Paris. I've completed my scans. There is just one thing that gives me pause."
"What's that?" Janeway asked hoping that there wasn't something seriously wrong.
"Your cells," He said to Tom, "they don't seem to be aging at the normal rate. They've almost stopped completely."
Osa nodded. "We don't age very quickly. I'm over nine thousand of your years old and I've not yet reached middle age. The most senior of us is more than three hundred thousand years old though most choose not to remain for so long. Age and time do not play a large role in Alorem life or society. Time is not simply a current that carries us along. With proper understanding time becomes and ocean with tides, storms and currents that we only loosely follow."
They all looked at Tom, who just looked back at them. None of this was a surprise to him. He'd known already, somehow. "Immortal?" Tuvok questioned.
"Not quite but nearly, if you choose to be," Osa said and Tom nodded his understanding. "I don't know how the eons will affect your human form. I believe you'll never look much older than you are now." Tom just shrugged. "If he's not needed for anything, I'd like to talk to my son." Janeway nodded and the Doctor told them that Tom was free to go but he wanted to see him in another two days. Tom nodded. Osa put a hand on Tom's shoulder and quickly they both turned to energy and vanished. The officers looked at each other and went their separate ways without words.
"Do you still want to leave?" Osa asked as soon as they arrived in the observation deck. Tom stared out to the passing stars.
"I don't know."
Osa smiled knowingly. "There's a sadness in you that I can't explain."
"I tried to talk to him. I couldn't. He didn't want to listen."
Osa stepped closer to him. "Make him listen." There was silence for a long stretch. "I know of love, Thomas. I've had it and lost it more than once. You'll have the same experience. The first one is always the hardest."
"I can't imagine there being more than one," Tom said softly.
Osa looked out into the seemingly endless expanse of stars with Tom. "Life is too long to love only one person. Don't worry Thomas," From behind Osa put one hand on Tom's shoulder and reached the other one across his chest to cover his heart. "It won't always feel like this."
Tom bowed his head. "I hope not." There were several minutes of silence until Tom spoke. "What is it?" Tom asked sensing that there was something else on Osa's mind. Osa shook his head.
"Nothing yet but maybe something to help your crew make your journey shorter." Tom looked over his shoulder at his father silently asking for more information. Osa just smiled at him and placed at hand on top of his head. "Patience."
Days came and went and each day that passed was one in which Tom became stronger and more like his old self. Sure he was a little different, quieter, but still Tom. It was a relief to everyone who knew him. Things were getting back to normal. Life was falling back into place. Tom was experimenting and learning about his new abilities with the Doctors supervision. He was taking a more active interest in the changes to himself and with this new curiosity he was better able to accept the changes. Tom's powers had been returned to him since Osa's visit. Deeming it safe that Tom would not flee from Voyager the first chance he came across as he had tried to do when they'd first returned, Osa had restored his son's power.
For Tom it was a learning experience. His Alorem instincts were almost constantly warring with his conscious thoughts. When there was danger and uncertainty he felt the urge to change to his less vulnerable Alorem form. During times of anxiety he could feel the energy change taking place on instinct and try as he might he could not yet control all of it. People would stare when his aura was visible. They were shocked when his eyes glowed pale blue and currents of electricity seemed to pass through his hair making it glow and sway in unseen and unfelt currents. Sometimes Tom felt the need to just be. Let the instincts take over and just exist as he was meant to. Times like now.
The engineering crew was performing an overhaul of the warp assembly and for the time being the warp reactor was running at a level so low it barely had enough energy to keep the reaction stable. It had a tendency to either escalate until a more stable reaction rate was reached, or taper off until the core shut down completely. Since they needed the energy to run the maintenance it was required that a team monitor the reactor at all times to maintain the low level of activity. Usually this was a daunting process that required the full attention of whoever was assigned to it but not today. The usual power fluctuations did not occur and the bridge noticed the difference. There was usually the tell-tale dimming of the lights every so often as the warp reaction dipped too low or some sort of flicker on the Ops sensor but today there was nothing.
"Bridge to Engineering, have you started the maintenance yet?" Kathryn asked from her command chair.
"We began twenty minutes ago Captain. I know. There's no instability. I can't explain it yet. We're looking into it."
The Captain nodded, though B'Elanna couldn't see it. "Good. Keep us informed. Bridge out."
Back in engineering B'Elanna ordered her crew to keep looking for the cause of the core stability. She didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth but she was worried that this may indicate a larger problem. It was a few minutes later that one of her subordinates informed her that they'd found an unknown energy signature that seemed to resonate with the warp cores own frequency. The resonance served to stabilize the reaction. Now they just had to find the source of the energy. B'Elanna left it up to her officers something that she was more used to than at the beginning of the trip. They were all competent engineers. She trusted them to do their jobs, and do them well. In the meantime, she would monitor the progress of the maintenance from the upper deck. When she arrived she noticed a faint light coming from a dark and usually deserted area near the warp core. B'Elanna pulled out her tricorder and slowly crept towards it.
The readings didn't make a lot of sense to her. They indicated that there was a human there, but also large amounts of contained energy and other matter. The energy was slightly similar to the warp cores and B'Elanna knew she had found that source of the stability. Now she just had to identify it.
Rounding a pillar it finally came into view. A being glowing with a blue-white aura and appearing to be composed of both energy and matter sat near the edge of the platform facing the warp core. It continued to stare at the warp-core as though in a trance and it wasn't until B'Elanna was only a few feet a way that it turned. He'd known that she was coming. In this state he was well aware of everyone on the ship and all the energy that flowed around him through hidden conduits and wires. He forced himself to become solid again and looked at B'Elanna.
"Hey," he said softly. The lights dimmed briefly and B'Elanna glanced down to the lower level and saw that there was more activity at the stations that monitored the core, the way there usually was when they did this maintenance.
"Hi. What are you doing up here?" She asked.
"Nothing. Just looking," he replied and looked at the warpcore.
B'Elanna sat next to him and followed his gaze. "What do see?" She knew he could see more than the visible EM spectrum that most humanoids were bound to.
"The warp-core glows. Energy flows from it like steam. When I touch it…it's both warm and cold," he said as he reached out his hand. "It's nice." His eyes, which had been glowing blue, faded into the normal features. "I'm sorry if I bothered your crew."
She shook her head. "Are you kidding? You've been making our job easier." She smiled at him. "You're welcome to stay as long as you'd like." She didn't bother to explain how he was helping. She didn't think that he'd care right now (she was right) and since nobody would be up here anyway there was no reason that he had to leave.
"Thanks," He said with a weak but genuine smile. He turned back to the warp core and B'Elanna stood to return to her duties. She watched as he changed partially into energy. His clothes went first, glowing shades of blue and white as they began to float, not longer bound by the artificial gravity of the ship. His skin glowed and his hair began to flow, the white streaks shining light blue and the gold glowing a yellowish white. His eyes change until they shone pale blue. Soon the whole of his body glowed and shimmered in the same manner until he was surrounded by a halo of light as the energies ebbed and flowed in and around, and only a shadow of his form could be seen within it all,.
B'Elanna went back to work giving strict orders that the upper deck was off limits unless there was an emergency. The crew heeded her command but they were curious. No one dared to defy the Lieutenant in fear of her wrath but even from the best angle on the lower deck all they could see was a faint glow coming from one of the far corners.
End Part 4
Sagga Bott