Betwixt and Between

Part 5

It had been a week since Tom's return and reluctantly he returned to duty. He was still intent on leaving Voyager but not until Osa returned with more details of the plan that would help Voyager. If the plan was feasible, he'd see it through and then leave. These thoughts were kept to himself but there was a noticeable air about Tom that he was somewhat detached for the rest of the crew. He didn't visit Sandrine's or the Resort. The holodecks used to be one of his favourite hangouts but since his return he'd only been to them once and that was just for a flight simulation to ensure that he was capable of flying Voyager. They had no way of knowing that the holodecks presented a unique and somewhat uncomfortable atmosphere for Tom. The hidden energy-mass conversions that occurred around him were…distracting.

One evening when Tom was walking through the corridor he had an encounter with a friend. Crewman Garrett Jones worked in engineering and he and Tom had gone to the gym and holodecks together on many prior occasions. "Hey Tom, how have you been?"

Tom glanced around feeling somewhat nervous for whatever reason. "I've been okay," he replied vaguely. While they were friends, there was something about Garrett that made him slightly uneasy and he couldn't figure out what it was. He was tall, dark and handsome, with brown eyes and brown-black hair. Garrett was about Tom's height however his build was a little thicker. Despite that he didn't feel particularly intimidated by him, rather it was something else-something that he couldn't quite put his finger on.

Garrett smiled at him. "It's good to see you up and about. We were all worried about you." Tom mumbled some sort of response, probably a thank you. Garrett's eyebrows drew together at frown of consternation. Tom seemed more than a little subdued but Garrett hoped to change that. He missed hanging out with the troublemaking, loudmouthed lieutenant. "Are you busy this evening?" Garrett asked but didn't allow Tom enough time to respond. "A couple of us are going to Sandrine's tonight. Do you want to come? The place just isn't the same without you." Tom stared at him for a moment seemingly unable to fathom what he was asking.

"You want me to join you?" Tom asked to be sure. At Garrett's nod he looked down to the carpeted floor. It had been a long time since he'd gone out. He looked up into dark eyes that stared waiting for a positive response. When Tom nodded a pleasant smile broke out across Garrett's face.

"I'll come by your quarters this evening. Is 2100 hours okay?"

"That's fine… but you don't have to pick me up."

Garrett shook his head, "but I'd like to." The openly hopeful look On Garrett's face was Tom's undoing. Reluctantly he nodded his consent and a bright smile graced the other man's face. "Perfect. Then I'll see you tonight." He gave Tom a friendly pat on the shoulder and walked away. Tom stood there for a few moments, stunned. It wasn't something unusual. He'd been asked to join friends on nights out before but that had all been before the…incident. Somehow he'd thought that his new…characteristics would keep people at a distance. He gave a small huff. He'd been managing to do that quite well on his own. His behaviour had even Osa worrying. He just wasn't the same person anymore and he didn't know if he could ever be that person again. He didn't know if he wanted to be.

That evening found Harry Kim in Tom's quarters, watching as Tom prepared for his night out. When Harry asked what all that prepping was for Tom simply answered that after moping around for week he wanted to make sure he was presentable. Harry's only response to that was a roll of his eyes. He was glad to see that Tom was venturing out. He knew that sooner or later Tom would go out. His friend was a social person by nature and this solitude must have been difficult for him even though it gave him time to find an emotional balance.

Tom donned a pair of black form fitting slacks and a grey-silvery sleeveless shirt that he'd worn on previous nights out. Harry noticed that the clothes seemed a little looser. He'd noticed lately that all of Tom's wardrobe seemed to be just a size to big. At first Harry thought that it was just his eyes playing tricks on him but the consistency of the observation led Harry to believe that this was just another part of the new Tom. He'd listen to Tom complain about how short he was. Harry had just stared at him as Tom explained that according to the Doctor Tom was half a centimeter shorter. Five millimeters, that was it and suddenly Tom thought that he was vertically challenged. At six feet two inches (less 5mm, you can do the conversion) he was hardly short. It was just one more change that Tom didn't want to discuss and would have preferred to be oblivious to.

Harry removed himself from his thought at watched Tom carefully as he stared at himself in the full-length mirror on the closet door. From his position Harry couldn't see what Tom stared so intently at. He watched Tom's right hand slowly rose to the upper part of his left arm and traced a faint mark down the side. The shirt did nothing to cover the scar and though the Doc had done what he could, he couldn't remove everything. He saw Tom reach to take out a different shirt but stopped short, his arm extended. He looked back at the mirror for a moment before dismissing whatever his thoughts were and moving to the washroom to comb his hair. From his seat, Harry smiled.

A few minutes later there was a chime at the door. When given permission the person on the other side entered. Jones walked in and greeted Kim who gave him a wave. "Hey Garrett," Tom greeted.

"You ready to go?" he asked and ran an appreciative eye over Tom, who was too busy looking for his commbadge to notice, but Harry did and raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah…here it is!" Tom exclaimed retrieving the item and attached it to his shirt. Garrett nodded. "You coming to Sandrine's tonight, Har?" Tom asked.

"Oh I wouldn't miss this for the world," Harry said with a smirk that made Tom curious. He'd seen that look in the mirror but on Harry it was somewhat disturbing. However before he had a chance to interrogate him, Garrett was steering Tom out the door. Harry left for his own quarters and shook his head as he reviewed his latest discovery. Garrett Jones, huh? Harry smirked. He hoped Commander Chakotay would be there tonight.

They entered the holodeck and the light tickle of the matter conversion touched at Tom's senses but he ignored it. He followed Garrett to a small group of men and women who greeted both of them with smiles. Tom began to relax once they somewhat obvious stares ended and they others became accustomed to his new 'look'. As he settled into his chair to enjoy the company he didn't notice a pair of dark eyes watching him from across the bar.

A small group of officers sat in a booth enjoying their night off. It was a rarity that they could all meet up and just relax, with busy schedules and unpredictable events. Tonight though, it was all about them. No duties, no violent aliens, no malfunctioning systems, just good friends and good drinks. The conversation at the table was kept low and easy. The mood was light and jovial but one of them was too preoccupied to notice.

His attention lay on the man across the bar who was enjoying an evening out with a lesser seen group of friends. Tom seemed happy. Laughing easily and telling tales of his many dubious adventures that kept his audience in rapt attention. The shadows behind his eyes seemed to have lifted making Tom seem more like the spirited man that so many people had been missing lately. Chakotay was glad to see that Tom was feeling better especially after his harsh words to him. There was only one thing that gave him pause. No, it didn't give him pause. It made his blood simmer, it wasn't quite boiling just yet. At sometime during the evening Crewman Jones had rested his arm on the back of Tom's chair and there it had remained since Tom had not complained about it. Chakotay had noticed the entrance of Tom with Jones earlier in the evening but had written it off as just some friends on a night out. Now he wondered if there was more too it than he had initially suspected.

Continuing his observations Chakotay watched as Jones asked Tom something but due to the noise in the bar Tom hadn't heard, prompting Jones to move closer and closer and closer until his lips nearly brushed Tom's ear and his hand was at the back of his neck. This time Tom heard the question and nodded his head in affirmation. Jones smiled and headed towards that bar while Tom jumped back into the conversation with an easy smile on his face. In that moment Chakotay admitted two things to himself (things that on some level he already knew). 1) Tom Paris was beautiful when he smiled and 2) he wanted Tom to smile like that at him not at Garrett Jones. Making a hasty decision Chakotay was about to get up when a body blocked his view of Tom. Before he could even look up the person spoke.

"Chakotay, can I speak with you?" Kim asked. Chakotay stared at him for a moment before nodding. He couldn't recall a time when Harry had ever called him by his name. He supposed this meant it would be a personal conversation.

In a less crowded corner of the bar Harry sat at one of the unoccupied high tables, Chakotay taking the stool across from him. Chakotay watched him carefully wondering what Harry wanted to talk about and noticed the almost perfectly hidden nervous habits. The rhythmic tapping of his fingers against the wood surface, the slight bouncing of his right leg and the eyes that couldn't seem to settle on one thing for more than a second, all indicated Harry's anxiety.

"What is it, Harry?" Chakotay asked after tiring of waiting.

Dark eyes shot to his and gave him a sharp glare. "How do you feel about Tom?" His voice was even and calm but his eyes were intense.

Unsure where this was going Chakotay decided not to answer. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"It has to do with my best friend and a man who I don't think deserves him."

There was no question of whom Harry was referring to and whether he knew about the conversation (or rather argument) that had occurred in Chakotay's office or not, the comment hit too close to home. Chakotay went on the defensive. "I haven't done anything to him."

"My advice to you is stay away from him-"

"Or what?"

Harry stared at him. "Or you'll probably just hurt him again. I won't let you do that. He deserves better than that, and better than you." Harry got up from the stool. He left, dissolving into the crowd of people in the bar. Chakotay stared after him. He knew people like Kim. They weren't confrontational-preferring to be passive rather than aggressive. That he'd come and reprimand his superior officer, about a matter that was almost none of his business, indicated that this was more important to Harry than the usual ins and outs of his relationship with Tom.

Chakotay sat at the table for several minutes thinking over his confrontation with Kim. He cast frequent glances to Tom's table. He was confused. He'd been dealing with everything that happened with the Alorem, Tom's 'death' and revival, and the emotions that were buried within him. When Tom had first returned Chakotay had been more than willing to go back to the previous state of interaction he had with Paris. Unexpectedly, he found the deeper emotions he'd been hiding from following him, refusing to be ignored. It bothered him immensely that Tom Paris was able to stir such intense emotions and just plain intensity from him. He felt like his body was betraying him. When he lashed out at Tom in his office it was a response to this perceived betrayal. At the time it seemed like it was Tom's fault that he felt this way and the vulnerable man was an easy target. He'd lashed out at Tom because he was angry at himself for falling for someone who he perceived to be unworthy of his affection because he wouldn't appreciate it. Someone he felt was below him.

Chakotay winced at his analysis. Below him? Is that what he thought of Tom? Sure he hadn't liked the man but he'd developed a respect for him. Or maybe it was more of a tolerance. The idea that he was falling for Paris of all people had violently upset his sensibilities. He'd felt himself coming to that conclusion a while ago. That was when he started snapping at Paris. Trying to find fault in him and in what he did, as though looking for a reason to hold on to his hatred. He lowered his head feeling ashamed. It was no wonder Kim had come over and nearly threatened him. He may have seen what Chakotay had just discovered. Until he let go of his grudge and dislike of Paris he had no chance of getting along with him.

When he looked up again he noticed that the crowd was a little thinner and the object of his musings was nowhere to be found and neither was his 'date'. Feeling fatigued Chakotay listlessly raised himself from the stool and left the bar. He wandered around the corridors for a while, not thinking, just feeling. Eventually his feet carried him to his deck which was also Tom's deck. He'd taken a turbolift that left him practically on the other side of where his quarters were located and he had no choice but to walk the distance. The most direct route took him past the quarters of Lieutenant Paris and as he approached, Chakotay heard some voices. He slowed his pace and crept towards them. He recognized the voice of Paris and guessed that the other man must be Jones.

"You'd think he would have gotten the idea but I practically had to spell it out for him," Tom said. His eyes sparkled with amusement as he recalled one of his academy day escapades. "So weeks later we made it into bed and I find out he had more experience than I did, which at the time wasn't a whole lot, but the guy was so dense I wouldn't have been surprised if he didn't realized he even had a dick." Garrett laughed loudly and Tom joined him.

Eventually they calmed and Garrett asked, "So what happened between the two of you?"

Tom shrugged still smiling. "You know: this and that. He really liked to experiment and I was just too vanilla for him."

Garrett stared at him critically. "You? Vanilla?"

Tom laughed. "At the time that's what I thought. But compared to the adventures he got himself into after us, I was very vanilla." He noticed the sceptical look on the man leaning on the wall across from him. "I'm not kidding. When we get back to the Alpha Quadrant I'll introduce you to him and he can tell you himself."

"That's okay. I believe you."

"No you don't."

Garret just smiled in response and Tom shook his head but the smile was unmistakable. Garrett stared at him and eventually Tom noticed the scrutiny and the strange, anxious feeling that Garrett brought out in him was back. Tom looked anywhere but at him but Garrett's gaze never wavered. When he looked back, Tom was startled to find that Garrett was right in front of him. Tom shifted back but with his back already against the wall, there was nowhere for him to go. Light brown eyes caught blue.

"It's different, huh?" Garrett whispered, his voice like a caress against Tom's cheek.

"What is?" Tom managed to respond after a long pause.

Garrett rested his forearm against the wall, next to Tom's head, moving closer. "Being chased, instead of doing the chasing." Garrett noticed the slight hitch in Tom's breathing and smiled a predatory smile. "You don't let it happen often. You're always the one in control, giving chase. When the tides turn though…" he brought his other hand to rest at Tom's side and felt a tremor at his touch. "…it's different. Exciting. Scary?" There was a light flush staining Tom's cheeks and Garrett absently wondered if anyone else had ever seen Tom blush. It was very nice.

Tom turned his face away and sighed tiredly. "Garrett, don't."

"Why not?" The deep voice questioned softly and swiftly as he moved incrementally closer.

"I can't. There's someone else," he whispered and was shocked at Garrett's response.

"I know." Wide blue eyes regarded him, the consternation evident. Garret smiled enjoying being one step ahead of the pilot. It didn't happen often but he savoured it when it did. "I thought that by now he'd have noticed, but if he's too stupid to accept what you offer then it's his loss." He was one of the few but Garret had noticed the interplay between Tom and Chakotay. It was pretty one-sided but it wasn't hard to tell that there was more to Tom's guarding Chakotay (and Yuri) than just duty.

"He's not stupid," Tom defended, sounding as though he'd said that before.

"Well what else can I call it?" he paused and read the indecision in Tom's eyes –such expressive eyes. "I know that you're in love with him but I just had to do this. Even if it's just once…"

Garrett closed the distance between them and touched his lips to Tom's gently. Tom's eye's closed as he delighted in the sensation. Garrett's grip at his side slid around to Tom's back and pulled the other man flush against him. His tongue brushed against Tom's lips seeking entrance. The lips parted and Garret explored. Tasting him, feeling dizzy with pleasure, his tongue duelled with Tom's. The hand that Tom had put on Garrett's chest to push him away now clutched at the fabric of his shirt to keep him close. Eventually, they broke apart, heart rates up face flushed and breathing heavy. Garrett smiled a little sadly at him. He touched the lips he had just kissed with the tips of his fingers, not relinquishing his hold of the other man. Tom stared at him. His pupils were dilated and his face was rosy.

Garrett sighed and looked away briefly. "What I'm about to say goes against everything I've ever done. Don't give up." He whispered the words close to Tom's ear. "You have a chance for something really great. I would be the biggest kind of jerk if I tried to take that away from you, so this is as far as we go." Tom whispered his name in a sad entreaty. He rested his cheek against Tom and felt the heat coming off the man. "I know he doesn't deserve it but give the Commander another chance." He held Tom's face in his hands and studied the features knowing that he'd never be this intimate with this man ever again. He kissed him reverently once again and pulled away with a silent sigh. Tom's eyes were still closed. A caress across his face and the eyes fluttered open. Garrett gave him a dazzling smile. There was a wealth of room between them compared to a moment ago. "If you ever want to have a good time, no strings attached, give me a holler, okay?" Garret said with a sultry leer. Tom could only nod numbly. Garrett bid him goodnight and walked away. Tom watched him go until he could no longer be seen. Slowly he brought a hand to his lips feeling the tingle that's Garrett's kiss had left there.

Suddenly he realized that he was in the corridor and anyone could have come by. He glanced up and down the corridor but saw no one. Slowly Tom turned to enter his quarters. Garrett's offer ran through his head. It had been so long since he'd been with anyone and Chakotay was definitely not interested in him, so what was stopping him from going after Garrett? He had promised to give Chakotay another try. The problem was Tom wasn't sure whether it was worth the effort anymore. He was tired of being hurt and he hadn't even told Chakotay how he felt. The way he saw it, things could only get worse between them. And here was Garrett, offering something monumentally better. Tom had however, recognized the finality of Garrett's gestures. He didn't expect Tom to ever come to him and Tom suspected that even if he did Garrett would more than likely talk him out of it somehow. The man was sharp, too sharp.

It wasn't fair. He'd stumbled across something that could very good only to find that there wasn't really an offer, not even a chance and so he was back a square one but with the added burden of knowing that if he'd been more observant, more careful about who he loved he could have had something special with someone else. At that moment he felt hate. He knew it was irrational, that fault and blame could not be placed on anyone one thing or person, but that hate was directed at Chakotay.

The familiar sting of tears pricked his eyes and quickly Tom entered the privacy of his quarters but not before giving the bulkhead and solid strike.

Chakotay walked towards the doors that had just closed. He stood before them silently. He hadn't heard everything but he'd still seen and heard a lot. He wasn't sure if he still had a chance with Paris. He wasn't sure if he even wanted to have a chance with Paris. There was so much to sort out but Chakotay felt Tom's patience for the situation and patience for him wearing thin. He raised his hand until it was just before the call button. If he pressed it what would he say? Was he too late? The expression of pain and anger on Tom's face as he entered his private domain had pulled at Chakotay, invoking a desperation and fear in him that could push him to do something prematurely.

If Garrett was right and Tom loved him, Chakotay knew that he only had a limited amount of time. Tom had been bombarded with emotions from every part of the spectrum and under such stress something had to give. Was a one-sided love strong enough to maintain through these trials? He couldn't even be sure it was love. Tom hadn't said anything, and the only indication of an attraction was the way Tom had been during the 'incident' with Yuri. What if this was just a phase? Chakotay wasn't sure he wanted to risk it.

End Part 5

Sagga Bott…