Second Best
Monday
"Stupid bitch," Padfoot mutters, throwing himself into a chair opposite the library desk Remus is working at. Assuming Sirius is not referring to him, Remus does not look up from his text book as he sighs.
"What is it now?" he sounds tired, his patience wearing thin.
"She left me again - and for that wanker, Gregory Finn-"
"Language, Sirius" Remus corrects quietly, all too aware of the glares they are now receiving from a nearby prefect.
Apparently this wasn't the correct answer to give. Sirius swings back in his chair, scowling at his knees. Remus clearly doesn't understand. Remus doesn't have time for girls.
Moony returns to the studies he never really left in the first place. His expression nowadays seems to be permanently disappointed in Sirius.
Seeing Remus has little more to say on the matter in hand, Sirius folds his arms and pouts, wishing that James wasn't too busy wooing Lily to comfort his friends when they're in need of sympathy. -Sirius needs sympathy. He needs attention. He needs to be noticed. Right now, sitting among the books and boffins, he finds himself contemplating whether Peter may be more popular than him.
... No, Sirius, he tells himself, don't be silly.
Remus glances up, happening to catch his friend's eye. His look is quizzical and Padfoot begins to feel insignificant and surprisingly self-conscious. He doesn't like this feeling.
As Remus shakes his head and looks down again, Sirius slams his fists onto the desk and stands up so abruptly that his chair falls over backwards. Moony gives a small hiccough as he jumps, his glasses slipping down his nose. He readjusts them just in time to focus on Padfoot marching back through the rows of bookshelves.
The prefect takes his chance, stepping out and asking Sirius as snootily as possible to keep his childish stamping down to a bare minimum. Remus can tell, even from forty feet away, that this was probably not the best idea.
Ignoring the prefect's request, Sirius rather bluntly tells him to "Fuck off!" and promptly turns on his heel, staggering slightly and adding another unrepeatable curse as he stubs his foot on the door step and falls into the corridor.
Thursday
- four nights before full moon
"Hello, Moony!" Padfoot sings as he practically skips through the portrait hole and into the Griffindor common room. He is happy today. Remus assumes he has either found another girlfriend, or killed Gregory Finn.
"Back together again." he grins arrogantly, flopping himself into a nearby chair, hanging his legs over one arm and lacing his fingers behind his head. Maybe he really did kill Gregory Finn.
For the remainder of the evening, Remus is on his own as Sirius and James devote their time to bragging about their girlfriends. After a while, Peter comes to sit near Moony, biting his thumb nail until Remus tells him not to.
Wormtail's company is better than nothing, but Moony finds he still feels cast aside. Second best, as always, wishing Sirius would notice him for more than just his astrology homework.
Saturday
- two nights before full moon
As always, the symptoms are now beginning to show and Remus sees through blurry eyes that it's already gone nine and he hasn't woken up properly yet. Judging by the silence spilling out of his chamber, Moony guesses the others have gone down to breakfast. He makes a move with the intention of getting up, sadly this does not go as planned and results in him flopping back into his pillow, having flipped it over to the cold side. Before he can lift himself up again, Remus is asleep...
The clock informs Remus it is eleven thirty when he wakes again, this time rather abruptly, due to the door being brutally slammed and the culprit kicking his shoes off while muttering to himself angrily.
"..Sirius..?" Moony sits up slowly and draws back the drapes on one side of his bed. Once he has rubbed the sleep out of his eyes he is able to focus on his dark haired friend slouching in front of him.
Sirius clearly was not expecting to find anyone still in bed at this hour and he hastily looks away, back at his own, unmade bed and Remus is sure he spots him quickly wiping tears off his reddened cheeks before turning back, composed, hands deep in his pockets, jaw set firm.
His shoulders are more tense than usual. Remus notes this due to the detail of Sirius's collarbone being currently more distinguished. He blinks and shakes his head, trying to ignore it.
".. what's up ..?" Moony blinks, scratching the back of his head and then smoothing his tangled hair.
There is a long pause in which Sirius steps uneasily from foot to foot and bites his lip, feeling, yet again, stupid and self-conscious. Eventually, he shrugs dismissively and mumbles "it's nothing" before walking back out.
Later, a slightly more awake Remus finds James and Lily cuddled up under the orange tree in the courtyard. He sees they are picture perfect together; James quietly twirling auburn locks of Lily's hair round his fingers as Lily reads aloud to him.
Moony feels rather guilty as Lily stops and James lifts his head. He has interrupted the scene, as if having intruded on a different world. He finds himself wishing he could have something of the sort - his own world with just one other person who understands him so completely.
"Good afternoon, Remus," Lily smiles kindly. Remus smiles back.
"You okay, Moony?" James sits up. He seems to have grown up by a considerable amount since he was throwing peas at the Ravenclaw table with Sirius the night before.
"Um.. yes, but I was wondering what's wrong with Sirius..?"
James and Lily exchange looks and Lily answers.
"He had another argument with Rachel at breakfast. She's left him... again."
It is obvious James is desperately trying to restrain himself although he inevitably has to add to Lily's rather modest explanation, how the argument occurred when Sirius walked into Victoria West and Rachel thought he was looking down her top. At this point in the story, Lily nudges James rather firmly in the ribs and he trails off.
Monday
- eight hours to full moon
It is lunchtime and Remus is feeling very far from hungry. He idly pushes his carrots around his plate, having already turned his potato into a brownish mash with his gravy. Sirius and James's appetites are far from lost; they are shovelling down food like they will never be fed again. Peter chews quietly next to them, staring into the distance, his mind on things other than the pile of mash on his fork that is slowly tilting to one side, ready to make a dive for his lap.
The morning has been long and Moony's jaw aches from clenching it too much. He began in the first change-over period between lessons when he was carelessly discarded by Sirius for a large gang of girls, all flocking round him like crazed fans. They may as well be asking for his autograph, Remus thinks, moodily as Sirius strolls off, his arm around Emily Appleton's waist.
Things do not pick up as the four marauders and Lily stroll up the field together to sit in the shade by the silver birch trees. Remus likes this spot; the bark over the trees is enchanted to shimmer in the sunlight - like a thousand tiny coins are embedded in the wood.
The silvery lights catch Sirius's grinning face as he turns around to greet Rebecca Larwood and then introduces her to everyone else as his girlfriend. Lily's surprised and slightly disapproving expression reflects a milder version of what Moony is trying to hide. Even Peter's eye brows arch, although he says nothing. Typically, James hops up and congratulates them, as he does with every girl Sirius picks up. She giggles stupidly back and Remus cannot help but find he is incredibly irritated.
As the couple and James sit back down, Moony notices Sirius is holding Rebecca's hand. His ears redden and he hurriedly gathers his satchel and heads off with the excuse that he has forgotten to do some homework which is in for their next lesson. He knows full well that this would never really happen, but the others don't seem to have taken note as he departs to find refuge in the library.
Monday evening
As usual, Professor Dumbledore assists Remus down to the shrieking shack just as dusk falls. Remus is more down than usual. He is thinking about Sirius. Again. He is angry and upset and hurt, and this is not just because of Rebecca. Sirius cannot come tonight, James has explained on his behalf. No, good old Padfoot has better things to do than keep his werewolf friend company through one of the toughest nights of the month.
Of course, Remus cannot tell Dumbledore this, so he offers his own source of comfort, reminding himself that at least Peter and James are still coming. And maybe Sirius will be able to come tomorrow.
"Good night, Remus"
"Night, Professor.." Moony sits himself on the floor and hangs his head as he hears the door being locked from the outside.
Tuesday morning
Remus doesn't know what time it is when he awakes. He is still in the shrieking shack. Every bone and muscle in his body is aching. His breathing is heavy. There are claw marks on his left arm. They sting, but do not bleed. He can't remember much; other than the warmth of Prongs leaning against him in play and the moonlight catching the ruffled fur of Wormtail's back as he scuttled along side them. He remembers nothing of Padfoot.
The door rattles and dust floats down from the frame as Professor Dumbledore mutters 'alohomora' and quietly walks in holding a small goblet. Remus watches him kneel down on the floor by his side. A familiar smell fills the room as Dumbledore warms the goblet with the tip of his wand.
"Best sit up, Master Lupin." The wise man smiles, waiting patiently as Remus rises, pressing nimble fingers into the rough wooden floor to support himself, feeling his head loll with the weight of sleep.
Crossing his legs and taking a deep breath, Remus takes the goblet and stares down into the steaming liquid as it swills around, a murky greenish-brown.
"It'll help," Dumbledore whispers. Remus knows the drink will help, but, somehow, this never makes it taste better. He lifts the goblet to his lips.
Tuesday Lunchtime
"Psst! Moony! Get up!"
Moony is being prodded. He can feel someone's hand on his shoulder. He groans, slapping it away. He has been taken back up to his dorm by the Headmaster to get some more sleep while everyone else is working. No one is working now. He can hear his classmate's shouts from out of the window as they call to friends on the field.
"Moony!" Remus's eyes flicker open to meet those of a rather impatient Sirius.
"What!" he grumbles frustratedly to his so-called 'friend'. Remus has not yet forgotten Sirius's absence last night.
"Did you finish that potions assignment?" Sirius looks flustered. Remus has no sympathy for him. How heartlessly typical of Padfoot to be thinking only of his own problems.
"Go away" he yawns, turning over and going back to sleep.
Tuesday Evening
Sirius watches as Remus ties his shoe laces. They haven't spoken since lunchtime. He doesn't understand what he's done wrong.
The previous night had not gone so smoothly for Padfoot. He had presented Rebecca with a daisy on meeting her as the spell to morph his pencil into a rose failed to work. She was not impressed. The evening got worse as they sat together and Sirius's thoughts trailed. Having been yelled at rather suddenly, the scatterbrained youth had found himself still sitting in front of Rebecca, but worrying about Remus. He apologised to Rebecca and she continued to talk.
Padfoot soon decided Rebecca talks too much. He began to think of how irritating her honey-coloured hair was. It sat around her shoulders, clipped back at the front with an uneven parting. He recalled the feel of Remus's auburn hair. It was always silky and well combed. He soon found himself missing Moony's laugh too. It was a darn sight more tuneful than Rebecca's short, sharp screeches, that was for sure. How had he not noticed this before? Sirius asked himself.
Eventually, Rebecca had become sick of Sirius's distant, rather abstract comments as he attempted to pretend he knew what she was talking about. She snapped at him and Sirius didn't try to justify himself as she left, although a small pang of guilt set in when he saw her miserable face the following morning.
Padfoot has long forgotten this kind of guilt by now. He is feeling much worse as Remus stands and dusts off his trousers, smoothing all the creases. He wants to tell Moony he is sorry, but as he catches his eye a lump forms in the back of his throat. Remus doesn't hate Sirius - Remus doesn't hate anyone - but Sirius knows he's disappointed. Hate would have been better than disappointment.
"You off then?" James slouches into the room, scratching the back of his head. He can feel the tension between his two best friends and prays silently that Sirius will have the brains to say something before Remus has to leave.
Dumbledore comes and goes, accompanied by Remus, and Sirius has lost his chance. All the while, Peter watches from the safety of his bed, the curtains drawn only and inch or so apart so he can keep an eye on what's going on, in private.
Wednesday morning
Sirius is first to wake. This is highly unusual, he notes as he peeps in on James, spread like an eagle across his sheets, his head lulling on his pillow, his dark fringe flopped back from his forehead. Peter is also still asleep, though Sirius does not go to check on him; he can tell from the small, infrequent snorts that is Wormtail's snoring.
Of course, there is no need to look in on Remus, Sirius knows he'll be sleeping right up until ten minutes before they have to be at breakfast. Clever old Moony gets all his school books ready and in order, set by the end of his bed, the night before, so all he needs to do is dress when he wakes. Sirius smiles at this. He gets up with only ten minutes left, in which time, he has to throw his clothes on, gather his books and pack his bag. Somehow, he and Remus are always heading out of the door at the same time, all be it, Sirius is slightly more breathless as they make their way to the hall for breakfast.
Moony's skin is still ashen and his hair is still flecked with grey as Sirius draws back the curtain to his bed and looks over the sleeping pile of duvet. He doesn't dare stay any longer incase he wakes Moony up, so he sneaks back to his own bed and slumps against the head board. He starts to think of the best way to apologise to Remus; he knows it won't be easy to earn back his respect.
Wednesday lunchtime
Peter is by the marauder's usual haunt, hidden in the shade of the silver birch trees. He is on his own as Sirius and James are still eating in the hall and Remus has taken the opportunity to retire back to their dorm for an hour's kip.
Peter doesn't mind being on his own so much. It gives him time to think and daydream. Right now, he is trying to think of a way to cheer Moony up, though everything he thinks of results in Sirius and James laughing at him. He knows he is probably just being paranoid, but he is still put off most of his ideas because of this.
Poor Remus. Peter knows Moony is upset because Sirius never showed up at the full moon last night, or the night before. He also knows that Padfoot never joined them last night because he was too afraid of being dejected by Remus. Peter knows that Sirius couldn't stand the thought of not being the most important person on Moony's mind. Sirius isn't used to being turned down for someone else like Remus is. Like Peter is. Sirius isn't used to feeling second best, like Remus does. Like Peter does.
Why does Remus waste his time wishing he could be noticed just a little more by Sirius? Peter wonders, leaning back against a tree trunk and folding his knees closer to his chest, tipping his head back so he can look through the hundreds of dainty green leaves at the dazzling white sky. But, then again, why does he waste his time wishing he could be noticed just a little more? No. There is no question there. Peter knows why. It is because one day he will cease to be second best. One day Moony will realise waiting for Sirius to open his eyes is useless and he will turn around and suddenly he will notice Peter and Peter will have always been there for him and it will all be made worthwhile. Hopefully.
Wednesday afternoon
Remus is struggling to keep his eyes open by sixth period. He is unsure what potion he is supposed to be making and, as a result, the substance in the bottom of his cauldron is a rather unattractive purple gloop. He finds comfort, however, in the fact that James's potion is a queer grey porridge-like liquid and Peter's seems to resemble a very solid orange cube.
Prongs has not particularly enjoyed this Potions lesson, either. The tension between his two best buddies has wrapped itself about the marauders like thick, sticky tar. He feels choked and highly uncomfortable. He has not been able to speak with either of his friends properly in days. In an attempt to break the silence, he tries to ignore the situation and change the subject entirely.
"Lily says that Millie Mortimer is having a birthday party in the common room tonight. Sounds like it could be quite a blast..." he smiles uneasily down the table, meeting Remus's tired gaze.
"You should go. I'm sure it'd be nice to relax for a while and have some fun." Moony returns James's smile. Padfoot flicks a strand of hair out of his face, pretending he isn't listening to the conversation and Wormtail adds something to his orange cube, making it merge into the most splendid shade of pink.
Prongs frowns.
"Nah, we've still got one more night to keep you company. I'm not going to abandon you and Pete." he shrugs casually, soon regretting his words as he realises what the subject has been brought back to so quickly.
Remus has obviously picked up on this too, taking the opportunity to add quietly, "some would" before giving Sirius a very sharp sideways glance. The conversation is left at that and an awkward silence remains over their table throughout the rest of the lesson.
Wednesday evening
It is dark and Moony has already been discreetly lead down to the shrieking shack and securely locked in for the night. Peter is preparing himself, smoothing down his hair and adjusting his sweater. He does not register that these acts are rather pointless as he will neither possess the same head of hair or be wearing his jumper when he is in rat form anyway - not to mention that, even if he did, Moony would be too preoccupied to notice any of these details.
Wormtail is just ready to leave when Sirius breezes into their dorm.
"Getting ready for Mortimer's party, huh, Pete?"
"No," Peter is surprised for two reasons. One; Sirius nearly never addresses him in such a friendly manner and, two: surely, by now, Sirius has twigged that Remus actually needs the company of his friends on a night like this. "I'm going to see Moony" he sighs rather impatiently.
Padfoot leans against the end post of James's bed, facing Wormtail with folded arms.
"Maybe you should go to the party instead, P.?"
Peter has had enough of Sirius's stupid, self-centred attitude. It is time to take action.
"Look, you arrogant little -"
"I'm going on my own to see Remus, tonight. I need to apologise." Padfoot interrupts cooly, completely unfazed by the scarlet anger rising in Wormtail's cheeks. "Go to the party, Peter."
There seems to be a threatening undertone to Sirius's instruction, so Peter does what he's told, marching out of the room before the tears begin to sting his eyes.
Wednesday night
Moony is already in wolf form by the time Padfoot makes it down to the shack. He can hear his friend howling inside, scraping at the walls and the floor with his giant claws.
Padfoot whispers 'alohomora' to the lock and touches it with his wand. He lets the door swing open and jumps back, allowing himself a few moments to transform as wolf-Moony pelts out of the shack, rolling over in the grass and then bounding off, deep into the forbidden forest.
It is not long before Moony hears the soft thumping of four familiar paws upon the ground beside him. A big black, furry Sirius is running beside him, saying sorry in his own typical way.
Thursday morning
Sirius gets to bed at first light but does not sleep. He hears Remus come in an hour later and flop into bed with a small, weary groan.
Peter wakes up an hour or so before everyone has to be ready for breakfast. He peeps through the drapes around James's bed, finding him fast asleep with his feet sticking out of the bundle of covers wrapped about his torso. Smiling, he then goes to Remus's bed.
The smile soon fades from his lips as he opens the drapes an inch or so to see Remus snuggled up to Sirius. The dark-haired boy has a strong arm about the werewolf's waist and Remus's cheek is pressed against Sirius's chest. They both look entirely peaceful for the first time this week, breathing slowly in unison with each other.
Peter shuts the drapes quickly and turns away, retreating back to his own bed to hide. He muffles a sob, burying his face in his arms, cuddling his knees to his chest. He cannot bear the truth but something deep inside him knows that nothing will ever change it. To Remus, Peter will always be second best.