"The New Trilogy"

The Lord of the Rings
Episode One

Section One: Sent To Their Deaths (or so it is secretly hoped)

The room was dimly lit, and a commanding figure stood before a room of seated young adults in school desks, staring at them in a condescending manner that aggravated even the best of the people in the room. He adjusted his glasses and sighed at the pathetic sight before him.

"You all disgust me!" he proclaimed boldly. "The lot of you are hereby punished for your incompetence at living in the real word. Starting now you will be forced to endure Middle Earth in a scenario different than the trilogies… and believe me, you shall live in the dangerous times of the Wars of the Ring. You shall witness the brutality of the trilogy of the Lord of The Rings!" he announced, opening his arm to dramatize the significance of the event. "There you shall die, unless you learn to get along in the world," he said with a hint of pleasure in his voice, "and if you can survive in a fantasy reality, then you shall be permitted to return to actual reality. Otherwise, if you choose to remain there, it is no great loss."

"Oh, boo you!" a fan girl in the back said. "Who asked you, anyways? This is stupid." He paced the room with the same, serious expression on his face, then suddenly he raised his eyebrows and turned to his desk.

"Do you know how many times your parents pleaded for my help?"

"I bet they don't know you intended to kill us," a girl called Rachael said.

"Oh, right! Attendance," he said. The class groaned. Lindsay took a look at the three students who stood up for themselves and died on their way to the door. This commanding figure before them seemed to be tough… and out of his mind. "Alright," he muttered, he did a head count and revised the names on the list. Finally, he neared the end when something caught his eye. "…Lindsay, Kim, Adam, Braden…" he looked up from his list. "You're the poor bastard that can't age!"

"I'm 108 years old," he replied bitterly. There seemed to be an undertone of self-hatred.

"That's amazing! And where the hell did you go to have a fire resistance of 3000? Or… or was that just a rumor?"

"Dunno, I just know that fire doesn't burn me."

"Astounding! Is it true that you volunteered?" Braden moaned, utterly bored, and raised his head from his arm, on the desk.

"Yeah, I want to die in Middle Earth."

"Ah, I see. Sick of living already."

"Yeah…" the victims looked to him, raising eyebrows and giving him looks.

"Sir, have mercy," Katelyn protested. The tall, broad man stood straight, watching her in utter surprise. Laughter suddenly bellowed out, and he caught himself within a minute.

"Mercy! Your incompetence got many people out of work," he declined. "So, what happens when you are there is what will take place instead of the story, so don't be confused if no one knows what you're talking about, unless some of their memories come back."

"Memories? Sir, what did you do to them?"

"Anyways," he stammered, "prepare yourselves for a lesson you shall never forget!" he said. The class looked to him with pleading eyes, but only a flame glimmered back at them from behind his eyes, telling them of his passion and hatred for them.

Section Two: The Adventure Baggins

When they appeared inexplicably to the world of Arda, they found themselves separated from their rather large group. Two of them, Mark and Braden, started walking together until they met up with three more of their kind. There was Alex, Howie and Vince, all of irrelevant character. Mark suggested that they ask the farmer if they could spend the night, but the others were too wild and idiotic to listen to reason. Vince and Alex started picking at the mushrooms and scarfing them down. After about twenty minutes, Howie came crashing through with a bunch of corn in each arm.

"Run like motherfuckers, gentlemen!" he said as he rushed by. Braden was following behind hastily, then Mark followed.

"You idiot, Howie, I'm going to kill you!"

"What do you think is going on?" Alex asked Vince in a distant tone. "Dude, I feel funny."

"I don't know, let's get out of here, man." Alex looked to Vince like he was utterly ingenious.

They scurried off the farm as they heard the farmer calling after them, accusing them of stealing. They looked to each other and ran faster, and looking behind them, they didn't see the three others who've stopped dead in their tracks at a small cliff. They smashed right into them, and they all tumbles to the ground and onto the road.

"I think I've broken something…" Howie managed, as he found himself on top of the four others. Howie sat up and got off of the others, and Mark looked him over.

"Shit! Dude! You lost your arm!" Howie looked down where his right arm would have been.

"Aaaugh!"

"Auuugh!" Mark screamed back.

"Wait, oh, this arm was always like that."

"No it wasn't, I just saw you carrying like two armfuls of corn."

"Dude, no you didn't."

"Dude, yes I did!"

"No, I didn't- look, just shut up, you're annoying."

"You're annoying."

"You wanna start something, you little prick, Mark?"

"Whoaaah," both Alex and Vince said, distracting the group from the argument. They seemed to be looking down the path. A short creature named Frodo walked into their view, who was looking down the path in the other direction. Behind Frodo, three others were concerning themselves with mushrooms on the road.

"I think we should get off the road," Frodo said. Alex and Vince looked at him, tilting their heads. Suddenly, it seemed as though Frodo was getting closer and the path was shrinking behind him, moving indescribably. A dark section of the path in the distance seemed to be coming closer towards them as the length of the normal path became minimal. It was creepy, but the boys seemed to enjoy it.

Vince looked to Alex, who was still dazed, looking at Frodo and beyond.

"Dude, these mushrooms are great!"

"Get off the road!" Frodo called, panicked. Everyone scurried off the road and hid in a grove of tree roots and earth, under a tree. The horse slowed and paused by the tree, and the group shuddered as they felt its evil aura… and what felt more evil yet, was the putrid aura surrounding the Nazgûl! Frodo shrugged off a cold shiver before the bugs, terrified, started panicking from beneath the earth and crawling all over the place, unsure of what to do. As everyone scurried from them, Pippin's eyes narrowed on them and a look of temptation washed over his face. Licking his lips, he slowly reached his hands where the bugs collected the most, and scooped them up, pouring them into his mouth. He closed his eyes savoring the privileged moment. He added three mushrooms to the bug concoction in his mouth, twirling the mix with his tongue before continuing chewing. Merry's face went blank as his jaw dropped, and white washed over his face. He turned away, then glanced back to his dear friend.

"Pippin! That's disgusting!" Merry exclaimed in horror. The others looked to him, utterly grossed out as they heard some noise on the path behind them. Frodo glanced back, managing to get a peak through their hiding place, where a hoof struck the ground. Many horse droppings hit the ground, and when the horse was finished, the Nazgûl rode away, completely disregarding the tree. Frodo frowned.

"Well, that's odd…"

"What was all that about? There's someone following you, isn't there? Or some thing?" Merry asked. Pippin held his precious mushrooms close, in utter fear, licking a centipede's leg from his bottom lip.

"We have to get to the Prancing Po-…" Frodo stalled, leaning over everyone. He raised an eyebrow at the sight of Gandalf, who seemed to have been sitting there for quite some time, as he was smoking his pipe and looking really relaxed.

"I see you've found my private smoking den," he said, laughing merrily.

"Uh, weren't you off to see Saruman to see if he knew anything about this damn freaky ring?" Frodo asked, shaking his vest pocket for emphasis.

"Yes, but the stress was getting to me."

"Wait, what do you mean, 'smoking den'?" Pippin quizzed. "This is just a grove under a tree!"

"Yes, well, hum," he said, leaning forward and searching through the loose earth. "There's this… sort of a… mat, here, hidden under the ground. If I sort of pull it…" he grunted, lifting a net-looking thing from the ground. Dirt and rocks fell from it, and he lifted it until it reached the top and he tied it there with something he seemed to have previously installed. "Hot box!" he said, letting his arms drop, looking happy with himself. Frodo rolled his eyes.

"There is no time for that! There are things of importance to be seen to!"

"Yes, yes…" Gandalf muttered.

"Wait, let us go with you," the five Humans said.

"Yeah, I wanted to follow Frodo, but he's a total buzz kill. Get off the road, get off the road! Damn it! All damn-business like, we have things of importance to be seen to, la la laaa!" Howie mocked. Vince and Alex looked to Howie.

"Dude, you, too?"

"Guys. Duh. We're near the Shire. We're supposed to be all slack and laid back, drink all day, smoke up and get fat satisfying our constant munchies." Gandalf sighed irritably and opened the 'door'.

"You guys are the buzz kill…" he murmured as he got up. "If you boys are with me, then we must make haste to Isengard! There are things of importance to- well, you know," he stammered, not wanting to look like a buzz kill like Frodo.

"Oh, guys, by the way, I've been immortal for the last 80 years, and I just don't want to be anymore," Braden said out of nowhere. "I actually volunteered for this Middle-Earth thing because I feel an immortal dying is more suiting for a world like this. At any rate, if you see something deep for me to fall in, let me know."

"Braden, you are so random, I swear to god…" Howie said. "Anyways, the military guy already said that in that room."

"Just let me know if you see something gorge-like, alright?"

"Yeah, but why a gorge?" Mark asked. Braden pulled out a zippo, and opened it. A flame danced on it, and in his other hand he pulled out a bottle of alcohol.

"I was to be just like Denethor! I'm immune to fire, too, so I don't get burned by it. I was called "Pyro" for many years, but now it's time for me to die."

"Won't that hurt?" Mark said.

"I'm immune to fire, you dolt!" Vince found himself increasingly annoyed by Mark.

"Well, why do you want to be just like Denethor?" Mark asked.

"Look, don't question me, just… Christ! You know what, I just shouldn't have said anything. I should have just surprised the hell out of you all."

"I have no idea what you guys are talking about, but Frodo and Sam have Woodelves to gawk at and we have Isengard to ride to, so I suggest we get going," Gandalf said.

"Woodelves?" Sam said, lightening up. "Really?"

"Yes, they're leaving, never to return, bla, bla, bla," Gandalf waved off.

"Why?" Mark said.

"Because their time here is over. The time for Men is near."

"The time of the Elves is over? Why?"

"Be…because their time is over!"

"Yeah, but why?"

"Because it is!"

"This story is stupid!" Mark said, looking off into the distance.

"You're stupid!" Howie said. "I hope the Nazgûl come and eat your eyeballs."

"Well, I hope that you choke on Frodo's finger!"

"What?" Frodo said.

"Let us take our leave, gentlemen…" Gandalf sighed.

Section Three: Tolerance

Much, much later, Aragorn was walking through the woods hastily, like something very important had to be done. He was cloaked, though the group behind him seemed to know exactly who he was and was persistent in following him.

"Oooh, Strider, you rock my socks!" Melanie said. "You know, I'm getting kind of cold!"

"We've been walking for what seems like hours!" Pippin said, totally annoyed with the fangirls.

"That's because it has been hours, Pip!" Merry said.

"Well, you know."

"You're talking about being tired, what about me? My heel has been sore for hours!"

"Oh, are you still on about that?"

"Ever since I jumped onto the raft, that bloody splinter…"

"That's enough, Merry," Pippin said. He looked to his friend and raised his eyebrows. "It's over, now. It's okay."

"Yeah, whatever."

"Common! The splinter was only this big!" Pippin emphasized, making half a centimeter of distance between his finger and thumb. Merry blushed and looked away.

"Oh! That's right! Our feet are sore, Mr. Strider!" Sam said quickly. He licked his lips and looked at Frodo. "Frodo and I need to go take a break." Frodo frowned.

"But what do you mean, Sam? We would all need a break!" Sam looked around nervously.

"Of course, that's what I meant, Mr. Frodo," he said.

"No more breaks!" Aragorn said. "I'll have no more divergence until-"

"Aragorn, I'm cold!" Melanie persisted. Aragorn huffed irritably, threw off his cloak and gave it to Melanie.

"Keep the damn thing," he said, utterly frustrated. "Damn it," he snapped. He turned his head to the group behind him, totally annoyed. "Who lets all these fan girls in from the Other World all the time, anyways?" he exclaimed. He looked forward, sniffed the air in a Rangerly manner and walked onward with a new ambition in his eyes. "I'd like to find the one responsible."