Aragorn returned to their camp, noticing a bunch of brutally slaughtered hippies on the ground. He knelt down, totally flabbergasted, to read the tracks. He noticed their strange clothing and finally the guitar and a bunch of knocked over drums.

"Bards? What are they doing all the way out here?"

"Those aren't bards," Adam said, kneeling beside him. "Those are hippies!" Aragorn looked over them, totally perplexed. He looked back to Adam.

"What are hippies?"

"Basically, a bunch of tree-hugging vegan mercenaries of Love and Peace."

"In times like this, war cannot be avoided."

"Yeah, go back to the sixties and say that. They still wouldn't listen."

"Gagh!" they heard suddenly. They looked over, noticing Frodo laying on the ground, holding his hand over a wound.

"Oh, Sam," Frodo said. Sam held Frodo's hand.

"If this is the end, Frodo… then there's something I need to tell you, before you go."

"What is it, Sam?"

"What has happened?" Aragorn said with urgency in his tone.

"Frodo got stabbed!" Merry said. He glared at Frodo. "This never would have happened if you didn't go charging towards the drum circle!"

"Those fucking hippies…" Frodo managed, "had… to kill…the hippies." Having said that, Frodo finally felt at liberty to pass out, feeling a sense of accomplishment. Aragorn looked next to Frodo, finding the dagger that stabbed him.

"This blade has a cold chill to it…" Aragorn said. The blade vanished like smoke and dust in the air and the Hobbits looked on in wonder. "Well, Frodo's screwed."

"Should I get some Athelas?" Sam offered.

"Nay, and how did you come by that name, anyways? It is not known in the north except by those who've wondered the wild."

"I don't know," Sam said defensively.

"And don't start using its other nicknames like you know all about it," Aragorn warned with a wave of his finger.

"I won't!" Sam said.

"Common, get the Pony. Let's make haste to Rivendell."

"Finally, God!" Kim said.

Saruman's hand loomed over the Palantír, summoning the Dark Lord of the Earth, or so Saruman called him. Howie stood there, arms crossed, watching Saruman do his thing. He started talking in the black tongue with Sauron, and suddenly a dark voice carried over the whole room in common.

"Build me an army," it said.

"Yes, my lord," Saruman said modestly.

"Make it really, really big."

"Yes, my lord."

"Like, so that not even all the men at Helm's Deep could take it."

"Yes, my lord."

"In fact, make it like a ten-to-one ratio against Helm's Deep."

"Yes, my lord."

"And send an Orc over with some of those roaches. Actually, set up a whole freaking huge farm and send me like, a third of all your weed, and you can have ten percent of my 1/3. It's not fair, but consider that I could like, kill you in three seconds once I have the ring."

"Yes, my lord, I shall do anything you wish," Saruman said, looking into the Great Eye in the Palantír. He raised an eyebrow as if to suggest something a little more secretive, leaning in. "Anything."

"I, uh, I don't swing that way," Sauron said awkwardly.

"Sorry."

"But thanks," he offered.

"Dude, that's gross!" Howie blurted out. Saruman turned around and made a claw in the air, glaring at Howie. Suddenly Howie clasped his throat and tried hard to breathe.

"You dare not speak to me in such a manner! I am your superior and your master!" he said darkly.

"Yeah, ok, dude! You don't have to go all Vader on me!" Saruman tightened the magical grip on Howie. "Ok, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"Finish your work," Saruman said, turning away.

.';'.

Days later, upon the tower of Orthanc, Gandalf laid defeated, gazing upon the destructive work done over the ground and the sound of many Orcs trying to work together effectively. He sighed and looked to his dirty hands.

"Lembas?" a voice said. He turned to Braden, black from fire smoke and clothes falling apart from the fire, and Mark who laid beside him. He was charred to a crisp, but gasping for air in high-pitched breaths that were increasingly annoying.

"I'm not even going to ask how you got that," Gandalf said, taking the Lembas and biting into it. He sat up and tried to feed Mark some of it, but Mark closed his mouth and turned his head away, then started gaping for air again.

"Jesus Christ, this guy's good as dead!"

"I am regaining my strength, so I can whisper some charms for him, but that is all I can do, for now."

"Yeah, Mark already had three bites today. He needs a lot to heal, I guess."

"I summoned some Eagles earlier. We might stand a chance at getting away."

"Yeah, we could… wait a second!" Braden stood and peered over the edge. "It's not a gorge or the White City, but it will do just fine! I don't know why I didn't see it before!"

"See what?" Gandalf said. Braden pulled out his zippo and opened it, and Gandalf rolled his eyes and sighed. He picked up his staff and bonked him over the side of the head.

"Ow!"

"That's what you get for your stupidity!"

"Lem…bas…" Mark whined. The two looked to him, utterly annoyed.

"Then why did you refuse it before?" Braden snapped. They waited, but there was no answer, only what seemed to be an attempt at talking.

"Save your strength, master Mark, you shall need it," Gandalf said. Braden fed Mark a bite of Lembas and muttered under his breath as Gandalf whispered a healing charm on Mark. Mark's burns went from the third degree to the first, and his breaths came to him more easily.

"God, that's the best you can do? Why couldn't be become a Priest, or a Paladin?" Braden said.

"What?"

"Forget it. I'm going to go, now."

"Just wait, we have yet a chance to escape, you fool!"

"You're the fool! This is my chance to be like Denethor!"

"Oh, for…" Gandalf started. Mark struggled to sit up, and shook his head.

"I feel like shit," he said. "Give me a swig of that booze before you go."

"Fine," Braden said, handing it over. He uncapped the booze and took a swig, but coughed it up. It spewed all over the place, and Braden growled.

"What the fuck you wasting it for?" he snapped.

"Shit!" Mark said. "That's strong stuff!"

"Well, duh, I want to be really, really flammable!" Mark took another swig, but downed it this time. He shook his head and blinked the tears out of his eyes.

"Thanks, man."

"Yeah, right." Braden poured the bottle over the top of his head, quarked it, put it in his deteriorating coat pocket and set himself on fire. He closed the Zippo, put it in his other pocket and saluted Gandalf, then jumped off the edge. He started crying out in utter relief and joy, revering his accomplishment.

"What a fool," Gandalf said.

"I'm just like Denethor! I'm just like Denethor!" he cried. Suddenly Gandalf's eyes lit up, and he grabbed Mark by the collar (or what was left of it) and leapt over the other side of the tower, where an eagle went out of its way to swoop down and catch them. It swooped around the tower and effectively caught Braden on his back, and Gandalf quickly put out the flames with a blink of the eye and a hand gesture. Braden, still soaking from some remaining alcohol, blinked in disbelief.

"Oh, god damn it!" he exclaimed. "I just can't believe this!" He pulled out his zippo and set himself on fire again, then stood and waved at Gandalf. "Good for you! Get to safety! You earned it!" And with that, he stepped off the Great Eagle and fell in flames. He started crying out again, "I'm just like Denethor!" but before he could get through the phrase, the Eagle caught him on his back again, and Gandalf waved the fire away.

"It's useless," Gandalf advised.

"Stop that!"

"Remain here, you shall have other chances."

.';'.

Aragorn and the others stopped again because Bill the Pony decided to take another dump. Frodo started heaving for air, so Aragorn decided to let Sam look for some Athelas after all. The fangirls were trying to console Aragorn on his situation, but they only stressed him out with their praise.

"Is this it?" Sam said, holding a handful of some kind of plant.

"No!" Aragorn said. Sam raised his eyebrows and ran off again.

"Oh! I think I know it this time!" he said from a distance. Aragorn tightened the saddle on the pony, threw his cloak over his shoulder and went into the woods.

"That was the third time," he said. He went into the woods, and amazingly, the girls all left him alone. Sam hurried back to Aragorn, lucky to have caught him that far out in the woods.

"Is this it?" Sam said with excitement. Aragorn passed his eyes over it and back to Sam's face, looking very irritated.

"No!" he said, then glanced back to the weed, taking a closer look. "What the fuck?" he said, observing it. He moved a leaf with his index finger and stood back to watch it. "What the heck is that, even I don't know what that is. Go wait by your friend, you're useless!" Aragorn wondered off with his torch for about fifteen minutes before finding his prize. As Aragorn spotted some Athelas in a remote part of the wilderness, a blade suddenly appeared under his jaw. His senses alarmed, he spun around and brought his sword through the enemies' gut. He looked to his enemy, and his eyes widened.

"Arwen!" he cried. He looked her over as she moaned in pain. "Shit!" He pulled out the sword and threw it on the ground behind him, and held her shoulders.

"A ranger? Caught off his…" she managed, then fell to her knees.

"That was utterly stupid!" he said. She raised her eyes to him.

"I know."

"Are you hurt?" She glared at him, resisting an urge to smack him upside the head.

"Was that steel?" she asked calmly.

"Nay." She got onto her feet suddenly and threw her silky black locks over her shoulders.

"Then I'm cool!" Aragorn turned away and nodded his head. "And here I thought I was about to be reincarnated in the Halls of Mandos in Valinor."

"Fucking Elves…" he muttered.

"I'm going to approach Frodo in a glowy way to give him an idea of the devastating power I wield and then I'm going to take him to Rivendell to see my father."

"What? But I thought you guys glowed because you're so good and kind that your hearts glow."

"Yeah, that too."

"Ok, go for it." He nodded. Together, they returned and she approached him with such blinding light that Frodo couldn't even see her. She dismounted her horse and stood before him, whispering in Elvish. Knowing immediately who this was, the fangirls grew angry and jealous.

"Speak common, you Elvin lewd!" Kim exclaimed. Arwen was used to this treatment, so she merely ignored the girls. Frodo watched Arwen continue speaking, then Aragorn came and argued with her in Elvish. Few understood the dialect (some nerdy human girls knew their speech), and Arwen soon took off with Frodo on her horse.

"Great, she gets to ride out on a horse and we get to walk for a few more days," Melanie said. "Aragorn, I'm cold again." Aragorn sighed, removed his cloak and threw it over her head without turning to her, and walked off.

"I told you to keep this. Stop returning it to me."

"But your scent goes away after a while!" she protested. Aragorn stopped, let out a slow breath in an attempt to save himself from becoming violent, and walked on.

"Don't return it to me again, lest you wish me to keep it."

Arwen fiercely rode from the black riders, barely escaping them. She nearly halted when she saw the group she just left across the river she had to cross. Aragorn and all the fangirls only looked a little surprised to see her. She crossed the lake and just as the Nazgul reached the lake, they haulted, hissing at the water in their screechy way. Suddenly, the sound of an alarm went off, and all the nazgul looked to one of them, searching his robes. Finally, he withdrew a round clock with bells on it, still ringing. He hit the button and looked to the others.

"Um, okay guys, we get our fifteen. We can resume chase later!"

"But they're right there!"

"Yeaaaaah," he said, disinterested. "But there's water, and waves, and an Elf who could probably whisper a spell to make the water wash us away… and we hate fire and water, don't we?"

"Yeah, good point, Dwar."

"Hey, Ren, can I bum a smoke?"

"Sure, hold on a sec, Uvatha has my matches." They all murmured off into the woods, dismounting their horses at the edge of the river. Aragorn raised his eyebrows.

"Uh… that is odd behavior, even for the Black Riders."

"That's just messed up," a girl said.

"Well, how did you all get here?" Arwen asked.

"Oh, we were waling along and we found this teleportation glade stone thingy," a girl explained. "I guess it took us all the way out here."

"Well, what are we waiting for? Now is our chance to go!" Arwen said.

"We have to wait, Pippin went missing. You can go along," Aragorn said.

"Yeah, he said scram, bitch!" Melany said, removing Aragorn's cloak and handing it to him as she approached Arwen. Arwen looked to her in a bit of a shock.

"I am leaving," she said to Melany. "But you shall work on your manner."

"You shall not tell me what to do!"

"Melany, stop this!" Aragorn cried.

"Aragorn is mine, and he told you to scram, so get on your pretty horse and go!" Melany said in the coolest tone she could muster.

"Aragorn's heart belongs to me," Arwen said authoratively. "You cannot change that."

"He's mine, it's just a matter of time, she-Elf!"

"I've no time to argue like this. Frodo is in danger!" Arwen said as she turned around. "Aragorn is mine," she said over her shoulder.

"If you want him, come and claim him!" Melany said in the most commanding voice she could. Suddenly, Arwen turned around, eyes blazing and she summoned rain from the clouds above them. The clouds suddenly turned inward violently and went completely black. Lightning passed through layers of clouds, and suddenly an army of little raindrops of charging horses came in from the skies, totally pulverizing Melany. The raindrops felt rock-hard against her frail feminine human body, and she cried out in pain. Desperately, Melany got to her feet and tried to throw a few punches at Arwen, but the power of the charging rain horses kept hitting her until she was on her knees again, and eventually lying helplessly on the ground, cries of anguish filling the air. Arwen picked her up by the collar, but after a few straining breaths, Melany died.

"That's what I thought," Arwen said. She shot a look at all the other girls who took a sudden step back and gasped. She mounted her horse and rode off with Frodo.