Disclaimer: Standard applies. Nothing's mine except what is.
A/N: Feedback is love, people. Like it? Don't? Let me know. I have chapter three ready for posting, but if I don't get any reviews, on my HD it stays.
Ashley sits in her mess of sheets and blankets and considers pitching the idea of the queen-size hospital bed to Serta. Her iPod in her ears and wireless controller in her hand, she drives through "San Andreas," hums along to Gary Allan, and tries to ignore that dull pain in her chest. She's about to steal a '64 Mustang when the door cracks open. She has to lean forward a bit, but she can see Spencer behind a curtain of golden-brown hair walking in backwards and pulling a MediCart. Ashley frowns because Spencer's early and that means she'll have other patients to attend to. But Spencer's all head-tilted smiles and that makes Ashley feel better.
There are few things Ashley is greatful for. One of them is the makeup that manages to hide the dark circles under her eyes. Another is Spencer Carlin. Ashley isn't sure why Spencer comes to see her everyday without fail. She knows it's not because Spencer pities her. Well, she think she knows. She likes to think it because Spencer feels at least an inkling of what Ashley does. She has to think that because thinking it could be anything else makes Ashley feel sicker than she already is. It has to be. Spencer doesn't have to spend so much time with Ashley. She knows Spencer doesn't spend this much time on any other patients. So Spencer must want to see her. She must care about her, if not just a little bit. She watches Spencer park the cart in front of her and tries to remember if anyone else has ever cared about her.
Ashley's feeling a little parched and she is greatful when Spencer hands her a plastic cup with her plastic pills and drinks the water down greedily. She doesn't care when she feels the water dripping down her chin, but looks up sharply when she feels Spencer's fingers wipe it away from her lips before she can. She doesn't say anything. And Spencer just keeps looking at her with those too-blue eyes like she's waiting for something. After a beat or two Spencer just takes back the cup Ashley's been gripping with white knuckles. Duh.
Spencer turns and replaces the cup and almost hesitates for a second, Ashley notices. Spencer moves to quickly shut the door and sits down heavily across from Ashley, dipping the mattress. She's smiling when she gropes around the cart before producing a small black velvet box and thrusting it at Ashley. Ashley raises an inquisitive eyebrow and Spencer rolls her eyes, sighs loudly, and tells her to just open it. Ashley does and can't help the gasp that squeaks past her lips. It's just a necklace. A lot like the one she told Spencer she'd lost last month and they'd spent the better part of a day looking for. A simple silver chain with a guitar pick as a pendant. But this wasn't the deep red one her dad had given her with her very first guitar. This one had her name ornated in gold. This one was impossibly blue. The same blue as Spencer's eyes. Ashley's thinking it. Spencer's thinking it. And they're both wondering if Spencer did that on purpose.
Ashley's trying to think of something better to say than thank you and Spencer's gently taking the box from her. She removes the necklace and nimble fingers undo the clasp, dance past Ashley's tiny shoulders and auburn curls to secure it around her neck. Spencer touches the pick that rests just below the dip in Ashley's throat almost as if satistied it belongs there. Her fingers linger just a second too long when Ashley decides that thank you will suffice. Spencer smiles and pats Ashley's denim clad knee and tells her she's welcome. Ashley doesn't think about it when she closes the distance between them and throws her lanky arms around Spencer's neck, pulling her into a hug. She feels Spencer stiffen because they've never been this close before and she thinks for a second she's done the wrong thing, but when Spencer's head turns into her neck and Ashley feels Spencer's arms circle her waist she knows it's okay. She swears she hears Spencer sigh before she pulls back.
Ashley is about to thank Spencer again but Spencer leans in and kisses Ashley's cheek, far too close to her lips. Then she is kissing Ashley's lips. She's kissing Ashley and it's soft and gentle and better than Ashley is embarrassed to admit she's spent hours imagining. It's an incredibly bad idea, getting involved this way. So Ashley pushes her away. Not immediately, of course. Because she wants this too. She's kissing Spencer back because that's what you do when someone you love is kissing you. No, Ashley lets herself be thoroughly kissed before placing a shaking hand on Spencer's shoulder and pushing her back ever so gently.
Ashley doesn't know what to say. She knows exactly what not to say: I love you, I need you, do that again. She knows that's what she wants to say. And the look on Spencer's face tells her that's what Spencer wants to hear. This is a very bad idea, but Ashley doesn't want to say that either. She knows they shouldn't do this. She knows Spencer knows they shouldn't do this. But she wants it anyway. Wants it more than she can remember ever wanting anything. She's torn, inside and out and she can't look at Spencer anymore.
She looks at her hands. One of Spencer's is sandwiched between them and she can't remember when that happened. She laces her fingers with Spencer's breifly before turning Spencer's hand over in hers and tracing the lines she finds there. Ashley saw a fortune teller once. When she was eleven. Madame Zoltanne had read her palm and told her that she was going to live a long and healthy life. Ashley had rolled that stupid crystal ball off the table and watched it shatter before taking her ten dollars back and storming out. Ashley tries to remeber which lines are supposed to be which when Spencer breaks the silence and asks her what she's doing.
"I'm checking your life line. I wanna know if your gonna be around for a while." Ashley realizes the irony of what she says as soon as she says it. She knows it's stupid and kind of insensitive, and she wants to take it back because Spencer snatches her hand away.
Before Ashley can apolgize, Spencer gets up and Ashley can feel the mattress rise with the absence of her weight. Ashley stands up too, she wants to stop Spencer from leaving. But she forgets about the needle in her arm until it pinches, hard, reminding her. And she stood up too fast, she feels dizzy and she knows the room shouldn't be spinning. Her arms flail out, trying to find something to grab onto. Spencer catches them both and helps Ashley sit back down. Ashley has to close her eyes for a moment and Spencer doesn't let go until she opens them again. Ashley lets out a shaky breath and Spencer releases her, prepares to leave. Ashley prepares to let her because she knows she should. But she can't stop herself from asking.
"Are you gonna come back?"
Spencer turns. "Do you want me to?"
Ashley considers. She really stops for a second and thinks about it. She wants her to. She really wants her to. She knows what'll happen if Spencer does come back. She knows that they won't be able to stop it. She knows now that Spencer wants it every bit as much as she does. She knows how stupid it would be for the two of them to get any more involved. She knows how stupid it is for them to have let it get this far. She knows what her head is telling her. But she also knows what her heart is screaming through a megaphone. So she considers. And she answers rather quickly.
"Yes."