Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I probably stole it from somewhere. That on line is from BtVS. Don't sue, I got no money.
A/N: Almost done! Not quite as happy with some of this update. Mmkay, so there's a flashback scene in this update andit's denoted by italics if that's not obvious. I kinda think some of it came off a bit maudlin and cliché, but what are you gonna do? Grab the Kleenex, folks. Please review.
Spencer isn't quite sure what happened then. She remembers running to the nurse's station. She remembers Ashley coughing again as she ran. She remembers being told to leave and being shuffled away before saying goodbye to Ashley. She remembers calling her dad to pick her up because she didn't trust herself to drive. Most of all, Spencer remembers the fear in Ashley's eyes when she left.
Spencer can't go back to sleep when she gets home. All she can think about is Ashley. Once, Spencer asked Ashley if she was afraid. Afraid of dying. Ashley told her she was, but she was more afraid of living. Because the hardest thing in this world is to live in it.
Spencer remembers that they were lying in Ashley's bed. Spencer was on her back and Ashley on hers with her head pillowed on Spencer's stomach and Spencer was dragging lazy fingers through Ashley's hair.
That was the first and only time they'd talked about it. Spencer had grown tired of overlooking the subject and she had never been good at ignoring elephants in the room. So Spencer finally just asked. Point blank. And Ashley had been a long time answering. So long Spencer thought she had dozed off. But Ashley had answered.
"I'm not as scared as I was once," Ashley said. She was speaking very softly. "I used to worry about it a lot. Back when my parents were together and here all the time. When I was in intensive care a lot, before all this--" Ashley gestured vaguely around the room and Spencer knew she meant in hospice.
"My parents, when they visited," Ashley had continued, "they looked at me like they thought I might break. I couldn't stand it. I felt like they were waiting for it to happen so they could be rid of the whole thing. Like dealing with a sick kid was a waste of their time and effort. I felt like I was burdening them or something and they couldn't wait for me to just die already and get it over with. So it was all I could think about.
"What it would be like when I died. For me and for everyone else. If anyone would come to my funeral. If anyone would even care. If there really was a heaven or hell or if you just stopped being. I thought about it over and over for the longest time, Spence." She glanced up for a second. "Not much else to do in these places."
Ashley sat up and took Spencer's hand. She couldn't look at Spencer because she'd known Spencer would've been close to tears and she would've lost it. "I used to think that no one cared about me, until I met you. I know how dumb and girly that sounds, but it's true." She looked up at Spencer then and they were both crying a little. "I look at you and I know, I know there has to be more than this. Something or someplace better where none of this matters and it's just us. Like it should be. It isn't possible for me to love you this much and then this just be it. Because this--" Ashley motioned between them-- "This is what it's all about."
Ashley told Spencer that she wasn't so scared anymore. She'd smiled, cupped Spencer's cheek, and told Spencer that she was worth every second. Ashley had made Spencer promise not to cry for her. Because Ashley couldn't bear to see Spencer's tears knowing she'd put them there. So Spencer tried, really hard, but sometimes she couldn't help it. When Spencer went to shower, she'd turned the water on hot enough to scald her skin. But Spencer just sat next to the tub, almost drowning in steam, withwater running from the faucet and spilling from her eyes.
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Clay had driven Spencer to the hospital the next day. Spencer could tell he wanted to say something, anything to make her feel better. But there were no words, and they both knew it. Spencer had never been scared going to see Ashley, but she looks down at her hands when she pushes the elevator button and they won't stop shaking.
Spencer nears Ashley's room and sees Dr. Bryce. She'd met him a few times and he'd been Ashley's primary physician since she'd been diagnosed. He was speaking to a man outside Ashley's room. A man with a shock of white hair and too much eyeliner. Spencer had never met Ashley's father but knew him when she saw him.
Spencer stops in front of Mr. Davies. She tells him she's a friend of his daughter's and is she up for visitors. Dr. Bryce excuses himself and Spencer takes a good look at Ashley's dad. He looks every bit the aging rock star. But he looks like a father too. Spencer can see the lines of worry etched in his face and the same concern she sees in her father's eyes. But she remembers all the bad things Ashley's told her about him and Spencer doesn't know whether to feel sorry for him or hate him like Ashley says she does. She decides on indifference and lets him lead her into Ashley's room.
Spencer isn't sure what to expect. She tries to brace herself for the worst but when she sees Ashley in bed scribbling in a worn notebook and listening to her iPod, Spencer releases a breath she didn't know she was holding and smiles because aside from the oxygen tubes and a fresh IV line, Ashley doesn't look any different.
Spencer sits down across from Ashley and as close as she can. She wants to take Ashley's hand but she knows Ashley's father is right behind her and isn't sure if she should. But Ashley beats her to it and grabs Spencer's hand as soon as it's within reach. They don't notice when Mr. Davies slips out.
Spencer's afraid to ask because she already knows the answer. "What's going on, Ash?" Spencer doesn't look around the room. If she did, she'd see all the new machines there, allbeeping and whirring and foreboding like some macabre band. If Spencer doesn't see it, she can pretend it isn't there. If she doesn't see it then she won't answer her own question.
Ashley takes a deep breath but it's shaky. "They got my cultures back. From therapy last week. They weren't looking until after last night or else they would've seen it." Spencer closes her eyes at this. "Another lung infection."
"But they--they can fix that," Spencer looks up and even she can hear the hope in her voice. "They can give you medicine, right?"
Ashley shakes her head so imperceptibly that Spencer almost misses it. "It's not just the infection. They can't treat viruses with antibiotics. And it's spreading."
"So, what does that mean?" Spencer's eyes are closed again. Screwed tight against hot tears she can't stop.
And then Ashley whispers. And Spencer never knew six words could make her feel so bad. "You know what it means, Spencer."
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It'd only been a week when Ashley's lungs had failed. Spencer sat vigil as Ashley was put on life support. Ashley looked like she was sleeping. Sleeping through everything. Ashley's parents and Spencer each took turns at Ashley bedside. When Spencer wasn't there, she was in the chapel. Praying. Begging. Mostly begging. And that last night she'd held Ashley's hand until it went cold, pink polish still on the tiny nails.
Ashley's parents, Spencer's parents, Aiden, even a couple of the doctors and nurses were in tears. Ashley had told her that she wasn't scared anymore. Ashley had asked her not to cry, and Spencer didn't have any tears left. She just let go and walked away, she didn't look back. But she thinks a stronger person would've cried. And she wishes she could be as brave as Ashley.
A/N: Okay, that was it. My next post will be an epilogue that's supposed to tie it up and be happier, at least in terms of closure and whatnot. Thanks for reading and please tell me what you think.