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Disclaimer: To those who dare to read the following, May you know this: I own none of the concepts espoused below. All material relating to Harry Potter, including some of the quotations, is the property of J.K. Rowling. Materials concerning Star Wars belong to George Lucas. The few references to the Lord of the Rings belong to Professor Tolkein. LV426 is the property of 20th Century Fox's epic Alien. All characters within this play are strictly fictitious. Any resemblances they may bear to real people are purely coincidental. Enjoy, and Se Gap Lai Nhe.
A Short While Ago In a Galaxy Not Too Far Away…
Magic WarsEpisode IV: A New Dope
A great period of Civil War has descended over the entire magical world.
Rebelling Dark Wizards, striking from a hidden base, have won a hard-pressed victory against the power of the Evil Ministry of Magic Empire. During the battle, Dark spies managed to steal the blue prints to the Empire's ultimate weapon: The Dark Mark, an electric green space station with enough power to destroy just about anything in its path. Pursued by the Empire's evil agents, Princess Fleur races home in her flying carriage, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore peace over the world…
Scene I: The Beauxbaton's carriage is seen being pursued by a massive Ministry
vessel. The Ministry of Magic Imperial Dragon fires a laser that severs the harness pulling the carriage, forcing it to stop. Meanwhile, inside the carriage, utter chaos ensues.
K-3R0: Did you hear that? They've severed the horses. We'll be destroyed this time for certain.
N2-G2 hisses incoherentlyK-3R0: The Princess will be captured this time for certain. Unnatural brute she is.
Princess Fleur's bodyguard set up positions near the main entrance ramp to the carriage. Drilling noises can be heard outside. Suddenly, the door disintegrates as a squadron of Imperial Dwarf Troopers storms the garrison. A battle ensues, but the Rohan guards are overwhelmed by the Dwarves. The Dwarf Troopers suddenly stand at attention as an ominous dark shadow approaches. Enter Darth Serpent Tongue, who seizes the senior officer, Madame Maxime.
Darth: Excuse me. Where are the secret plans?
Madame Maxime: I don't know, my Lord. The funny thing about secret plans is that they are…well…secret.
Darth: Where are the plans?
Madame Maxime: I don't know; I just work here. You may want to ask Princess Fl— …never mind.
Darth Serpent Tongue becomes frustrated, and throttles Madame Maxime.
Darth: Find me those plans. Tear the carriage apart if need be.
Meanwhile, on the other edge of the carriage, Princess Fleur is feeding a copy of the secret plans to her trusty servant N2-G2.
K-3R0: N2-G2, where are you? Vile serpent.
N2-G2 completes eating the message and hisses at K-3R0.
K-3R0: Where have you been? The Dwarf troopers are coming this way. If we are not careful, we will become the main course of Emperor Scrimgeour. My master told me he eats all sorts of dodgy things.
N2-G2 hisses again and leads K-3R0 towards an emergency exit.
K-3R0: N2-G2, you dratted snake. You know we are not supposed to use the emergency exit. Can't you read: No Non-Humans Allowed.
Sound of raucous Dwarfish laughter is heard nearby. K-3R0 and N2-G2 decide to flee before being discovered. An imperial officer notices this but thinks nothing of it. K-3R0 and N2-G2 safely land in the deserts of England.
In the meantime, Dwarf Troopers come across Princess Fleur's chambers. Fleur drops a banana peel on the ground and runs. A gung-ho Dwarf runs forward to grab Fleur, but slips on the peel and slides out an opening in the carriage to his certain death. Another Dwarf stuns Fleur as she runs and takes her to Darth Serpent Tongue.
Fleur: Darth Serpent Tongue, only you would be so bold as to attack schoolgirls on a field trip. When the Ministry of Magic hears about this…
Darth: Come now your Highness, you know very well that this was no mere school trip. We know that the Rebel alliance has sent you a copy of secret plans via owl post. Where are the plans?
Fleur: I have no idea as to what you are talking about? We were simply returning to Paris after a trip to England.
Darth: You are a rebel and a traitor. Take her away now.
Imperial Officer: Beg Pardon, your Excellency, but two strange creatures exited the ship via the emergency exit a short time ago.
Darth: They have the plans. Find them NOW.
Scene II: K-3R0 and N2-G2 land in the middle of the desolate Southern English Dessert. While there, they are captured by a horde of angry Dementors, who imprison them with other bizarre creatures in their Ministry of Magic vans. The Dementors stop in front of the Gaunt Homestead, near the tiny trading hamlet of Little Hangleton. Enter Lord Voldewalker and his Uncle Morfin Gaunt.
Aunt Hissy: (In Parseltongue) Lord Voldewalker, make sure you remind your Uncle that we need a House elf that can fluently speak to Muggles. As it is, the village is filled with them.
Lord: Don't worry. I'll tell him.
Uncle Morfin: (to Head Dementor) Right, I'll need a house elf and an animal to cut down on the rat population. They're really getting out of hand. Hoi, you. (To K-3R0) Can you speak and function well with muggles?
K-3R0: Of course, sir. I can converse in over 3 types of muggle languages.
Uncle Morfin: Oh, all right. You're hired. I'll also take that ginger cat, Crookshanks. He should be able to frighten the neighbors quite nicely.
Uncle Morfin Gaunt pays the Dementors and begins walking towards his meat packing office, when Crookshanks begins to go berserk and collapses.
Lord: Uncle Morfin, that ginger beast just collapsed.
Uncle Morfin: (to Dementors) What sort of cheap junk are you trying to push on us?
K-3R0: Excuse me Sir, but if I may give my opinion, I think that you should purchase any animal but that snake. She really is a lousy beast. I've worked with her before.
Lord: Uncle Morfin, why don't we just get the snake?
Uncle Morfin: Sure, why not. Make sure you clean them up immediately, or else you and your friends will end up as sausage.
Uncle Morfin begins to cackle evilly and enters his hovel for dinner. Lord Voldewalker takes his new acquisitions to the shed to be cleaned up.
K-3R0: Ah, nothing is like a bath in filthy water to make you appreciate life before the bath.
Lord: Don't complain. At least you get washed. I just work all day turning muggles into sausage for my Uncle.
Lord Voldewalker goes to clean N2-G2 when he notices that the snake is convulsing and regurgitates a tape recorder. Lord Voldewalker presses a button and a holographic message appears.
Fleur: Help me O.G. Wan Gryffindobi, you're my only hope.
Lord: Who is she?
K-3R0: Who is who, Sir?
Lord: The lady in the message. Who is she?
K-3R0: I don't know. She must have been on our last mission. She was probably captured for her part in the Rebellion.
Lord: You were in the Rebellion?
K-3R0: Oh, yes Sir. We just cleaned the loo for filthy blood traitors, and maggots. It was rather uninteresting.
Lord: Ask N2-G2 about it.
N2-G2 begins hissing incoherently.
K-3R0: She said that she is the property of an O.G. Wan Gryffindobi, a resident of these parts.
Lord: I wonder if she means old Godric Gryffindobi.
K-3R0: Who is that?
Lord: Well, I don't know about O.G. Wan, but old Godric is a crazy old hermit who lives out by the black lake.
Aunt Hissy: Hey, Lord. Dinner's on the table. Prime roast of house elf.
Lord: I'm coming.
K-3R0: This new master of ours is just as crazy as the old one.
Lord Voldewalker enters his Uncle's house to find a scrumptious meal of filet of house elf.
Lord: Uncle Morfin, I think those weirdoes have been stolen. I found a message inside of the snake concerning an O.G. Wan Gryffindobi. I thought it may have been referring to old Godric. Do you know who O.G. Wan is?
Uncle Morfin: No idea. As for Godric, he's dead. Died years ago in a circus accident when the lion he was taming ate him. Those weirdoes are ours, and tomorrow you are to go into town and have a memory charm put on them.
Lord: Okay. Next year could I go off to Hogwarts? All of my friends have and you should have plenty of hands now that you have new servants.
Uncle Morfin: Sure.
Lord: Really?
Uncle Morfin: No. Only joking. Firstly, you have no friends who went off to Hogwarts because you have no friends. Secondly, only one of our servants has hands. Two hands are not plenty. Thirdly, I don't like you. Finally, every year you ask the same question and every year you believe my dimwitted lie about your going to Hogwarts. It never gets old.
Lord Voldewalker storms out of the room furiously. Uncle Morfin cackles insanely.
Aunt Hissy: One of these days you have to let him go. He's not cut out to be a meat packer. He's too similar to his Great-great-great-great-great-…-great grandfather.
Uncle Morfin: That's what I'm afraid of.
Lord Voldewalker enters the shed where K-3R0 and N2-G2 are furiously fighting over food.
Lord: Alright you two. As soon as it gets light were crossing the great English Desert to find O.G. Wan Gryffindobi.
The Next Morning, Lord Voldewalker and his servants cross the Great English Desert on a flying carpet. A troop of cave trolls sees Lord Voldewalker and makes a beeline for him. They successfully yank the carpet out from under him and attempt to fly off. However, an old hooded man appears and jinxes their clubs to soar in the air and fall atop of their heads.
Godric: Rest easy, son. You're in good hands now.
Lord: Godric Gryffindobi. By golly, am I glad to see you.
Godric: What brings you so far a field from your home?
Lord: Well, I was looking for an O.G. Wan Gryffindobi. Those two gits claim to be his property. I was wondering if you and he were related?
Godric: O.G. Wan…that's a name I haven't heard in a long, long, long, long….
Voldewalker yawns very noticeably.
Godric: …long, long, long, long, time.
Lord: Did you know him?
Godric: Obviously. I am he. I haven't gone by the name of O.G. Wan since before you were born.
The unconscious trolls begin to stir.
Godric: The trolls will awaken soon. Let's get to my cottage, while we can.
Lord: Wait a moment. I have to find Kreechio—K-3R0.
They find Kreechio hanging upside down in an indigenous English cactus.
Lord: Kreechio!
K-3R0: Well, I'm surprised you came for me sir. I doubted you would—filthy half blood.
Lord: Silence. N2-G2 cut him down. Let's go.
Together, they retrieve Kreechio, and board the flying carpet for Godric Gryffindobi's hut on the Black Lake.
Godric: Lord Voldewalker, this was your great-great-great…great grandfather's wand saber. Much less clumsy than your regular magic wand. An elegant weapon for a much more elegant age. For more than one thousand years, the Dark warlock knights used these to protect peace across the galaxy. Until the time of the Empire.
Lord: Did you know my Great-great-great-…grandfather?
Godric: As a matter of fact, I did. He was a good friend of mine and an excellent Dark wizard.
Lord: What happened to him?
Godric: He was betrayed by my apprentice, a man by the name of …Darth Serpent Tongue. Serpent Tongue was seduced by the light side of the Porsche. He killed your Great-great-… ah heck with it, he killed Salazar Slytherin.
Lord: The Porsche?
Godric: Yeah, it's the source of a Dark wizard's power. Its like magic, but it's a cut above regular magic. It flows thru all sorts of vices. Believe me, you'll like it. I guarantee it.
Lord Voldewalker toys with his newly acquired treasure, swinging its bright green blade around and around until he successfully severs Kreechio's head. Godric reattaches it with a wave of his wand and shoots Lord a severe look.
Godric: Now about that message.
Lord: Ah, well…I'm afraid I don't remember mentioning anything about a message, O.G. Wan Gryffindobi.
Godric turns to face Lord Voldewalker with a cunning expression on his face.
Godric: O.G. Wan Gryffindobi, you're my only hope—You don't think that dolt of a princess actually would have sent that message if I didn't suggest it. You don't think that Uncle Morfin would have irritated you into running away from home if I hadn't told him to. You don't think that N2-G2, the witless wonder, would have eaten that message if I hadn't fed it to him first. Aahh.
Lord: What?
Godric: Only joking. Well, carry on and let me see the message.
Lord Voldewalker stands confused for a brief time and finally beats N2-G2 over the head. The Snake re-regurgitated the message and Godric pressed play.
Fleur: General Gryffindobi: Years ago, you served my Great-great-great-great-great…grandfather during the Goblin Rebellions. Now I must recall you in order to save the free nations against the power of the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present this request in person, but my Carriage is currently under attack by an Imperial Ridgeback, and I'm afraid my mission to Beauxbatons has failed. I've instructed my snake to swallow vital information for the survival of the rebellion. My father will know how to make use of this information—as it is, my Great-great-great…grandfather died centuries ago. For the life of me, I have no idea how you're still alive. Make sure that this snake is safely delivered to Beauxbatons. Help me, O.G. Wan Gryffindobi; you're my only hope.
With this, the holographic image of Princess Fleur ends.
Godric: You must learn the Porsche if you are to accompany me to Beauxbatons.
Lord: Beauxbatons. No I can't go there. I have to stay here and help run the meat packing industry. As it is, the Empire hasn't done anything against me.
Godric: That sounds a lot like Morfin.
Lord: Yeppers. He knew that I would meet you soon and made me memorize a "Thanks, but No Thanks" speech. I can take you as far as Hogwarts. From there, you can go to Mos Hogsmeade or just about anywhere else.
Godric: Fine. Lead on.
Scene III: Inside the Dark Mark. The territorial Governors and great military commanders have sought a meeting concerning the strength of the Rebellion.
General Crabbe: The rebellion is a greater risk to us than originally suspected. They are posing a serious threat to my quidditch team.
Admiral Troy: The rebels may be a danger to your quidditch team but they will perish before the might of this battle station.
General Crabbe: However, when the Wizengamot finds out about our holding Princess Fleur aboard this…
Grand Moff Goyle: The Wizengamot will no longer affect our planning. The Emperor has just dissolved this last vestige of Republican power.
General Crabbe: But how will we manage to maintain control of our provinces without the old Bureaucracy.
Grand Moff Goyle: Fear will keep them in line.
Admiral Troy: Fear of this station.
Darth: This station may be impressive, but it is nothing compared to the power of the P...
Admiral Troy: Oh for Heaven's sake, not more about that stupid Porsche. Your foolish "religion" hasn't aided you in forcing information out of Princess Fleur concerning the Rebel Base. It hasn't given you divine inspirat…
Darth Serpent Tongue raises his hand and Admiral Troy begins choking and convulsing. The other Commanders and Governors stare shocked.
Darth: I find your lack of faith disturbing, Admiral.
Grand Moff Goyle: Serpent Tongue, release him immediately.
Darth: As you wish.
Admiral Troy stops choking, and collapses to the floor as a result of the ordeal.
Grand Moff Goyle: Darth Serpent Tongue will force the location of the rebel base out of Fleur or he will die trying, whilst we continue the construction of this battle station.
General Crabbe: So no worries, eh Darth Serpent Tongue.
Scene IV: O.G. Wan Gryffindobi, Lord Voldewalker, Kreechio, and N2-G2 are traveling along on Lord's flying carpet.
Godric: Stop right up there. I sense that we will see a great massacre of Dementors.
Lord: What are the odds of running across a great Dementor massacre?
They see smoke ahead, and investigate. The smoke is coming from the remnants of the Dementor horde that delivered the servants to the Gaunt homestead.
Lord: Darn, you're good.
Godric: I know.
Lord: It looks like trolls bludgeoned them to death.
Godric: This was meant to look like a troll attack. See here, however. Dementors can't be bludgeoned to death. Only a skilled patronus charm can vanquish them. Furthermore, look at the way the tracks of this Ministry approved car have been hewn and blasted off.
Lord: What are you trying to say?
Godric: This was the work of Imperial Dwarf Troopers.
Lord: What does the Empire want with Dementors making a dishonest living?
Lord Voldewalker notices N2-G2 and K-3R0.
Lord: You don't think they are after those two? If they are, then they will discover who purchased them?
Lord Voldewalker runs towards his flying carpet. Godric bars his way.
Godric: Lord Voldewalker, you are most likely already too late to save them.
Lord: Save them—Gosh no. I want to make sure they're dead.
Voldewalker apparates to the Gaunt hovel to discover that the place has been burnt to the ground. Nailed to the front door is Aunt Hissy. After prowling around for a while, he discovers that the Dwarf Troopers had a sense of humor. They had ground Uncle Morfin into sausage and put him in a can to sell. Voldewalker laughs and pockets his pre-prepared Uncle.
Lord: They're gone. Now there is nothing for me here. I want to go with you to Beauxbatons. I want to learn the ways of the Porsche to become a Dark Lord like my Great-great-great-…grandfather.
Godric: Good. Let's get going towards Mos Hogsmeade.
Scene V: Aboard the Dark Mark. Darth Serpent Tongue has used nearly every means possible to interrogate Princess Fleur. She did not even budge under the terrible feather, which would tickle its victim until ordered to stop. Concerned, he approached Moff Goyle.
Darth: I'm afraid that she has been reluctant to relinquish any information concerning the whereabouts of the rebel base.
Grand Moff Goyle: Translation: She wouldn't budge under pressure from the feather.
Darth: You know me far too well.
Grand Moff Goyle: Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion.
Darth: What do you mean?
Grand Moff Goyle: I think it is time we demonstrated the full power of this station. Set a course for the Palace of Beauxbatons.
Scene VI: Our heroes arrive on the outskirts of Mos Hogsmeade.
Godric: Mos Hogsmeade spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.
Lord: I like Mos Hogsmeade. Butterbeer, Zonkos, the Shrieking Shack…
K-3R0: Do us a favor, Sir, and close your trap. You're letting out a draft.
Their carpet is stopped by Imperial Dwarf Troopers.
Dwarf Trooper: Hold it right there.
Godric pulls out his wand and places a confundus charm on them.
Godric: Hello, there. We don't have the weirdoes you are looking for, but I think that they (points at the Weird Sisters) do. Go bother them.
Dwarf Trooper: Thanks.
They reach the cantina, where they instruct K-3R0 and N2-G2 to watch over the carpet whilst the others find a suitable pilot. Godric and Lord Voldewalker enter the Hogs Head cantina, a hang out for unsavory characters.
Godric: You stay here at the bar and keep out of trouble.
Lord: Okay.
Fred and George Weasley enter the Cantina. George notices Lord Voldewalker and starts growling.
Fred: He doesn't like you.
Lord: Okay.
Fred: I don't like you.
Lord: Okay.
Fred: It's not okay. We have the death sentence all over England for building portable swamps all over Hogwarts.
Lord: I'll be careful
Fred: You'll be dead.
Godric: This little green man isn't worth the trouble. Let me buy you a drink.
Lord: Little green man. I'm better looking than those two ragamuffins. Unnatural beasts they are.
K-3R0: (pokes Lord Voldewalker in the back of the head) No body steals my lines.
Fred and George pull out their wands to blast Godric, Kreechio, and Lord Voldewalker. Godric is quicker and jinxes both of them into jelly slugs, which Kreechio eats.
Godric: Scram Kreechio. Come, I've found a ship that may suit us.
They walk to a back table where they meet a famished ex-DADA teacher\werewolf and a smuggler.
Bill: Hey there. Lupebacca here tells me you're in need of a ship.
Godric: Yes. Is it fast?
Bill: You've never heard of the Flying Ford Falcon?
Godric: No. Should I have?
Lupebacca: What is this—Question Time?
Bill: (to Lupebacca) Quiet you. You're embarrassing us all. (to everyone else)The Falcon was the car that crashed into the Whomping Willow at Hogwarts. That, of course, was when my brother Ron was captain. Where are you off to?
Godric: To the Palace of Beauxbatons with only the boy, two weirdoes, myself, and no questions asked.
Bill: Local trouble?
Godric: We don't want any imperial entanglements.
Bill: Okay, but that will cost you?
Godric: How much?
Bill: 10,000 galleons.
Lord: Deal.
Godric: Deal? I don't have that sort of money.
Bill: Too late. Ship is parked outside the Shrieking Shack. It will be ready in half an hour.
Godric and Lord Voldewalker exit to sell Voldewalker's flying carpet and to find the weirdoes.
Bill: 10,000 galleons. Excellent. That should clear up my trouble with Hagga the Hutt. Lupebacca, go and prep the ship.
Lupebacca exits, and a straw-haired man enters to face Captain Bill Solo.
Sturgo: Going somewhere, Solo?
Bill: Yep. I was going to tell your master that I have his money.
Sturgo: No, Hagga's thru with you.
Bill: But Sturgo, this time I actually have the money.
Sturgo: Well why don't you give it to me and I will forget I found you. Or you could give me your car.
Bill: Over my dead body.
Sturgo: That was the general idea. I have waited for this day for a long time, Solo.
Bill: I bet you have.
Sturgo pulls out his wand to blast him, but Bill is faster. Bill's wand blows Sturgo's head off. Bill gets up, pays the Bar tender for the mess and exits to see the ship.
Scene VII: At the Shrieking Shack landing pad.
Lord: We're going to Beauxbatons in that old car. We'll be ridiculed from this side of the galaxy to the next.
Bill: It may not look like much, but it has it where it counts. Get in.
They enter the Flying Ford Falcon, when a troop of Imperial Dwarf Troopers enters the landing pad and opens fire. The Falcon takes off, and starts its journey.
Scene VIII: Inside the Dark Mark, which is hovering near the Palace of Beauxbatons.
Fleur: Governor Goyle, I should have expected you to be holding Serpent Tongue's leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.
Grand Moff Goyle: Charming to the last. You don't know how hard I found it, signing the order to terminate your life.
Fleur: I'm shocked to hear that you were capable of writing the words on the paper.
Grand Moff Goyle: Actually, Darth Serpent Tongue wrote as I dictated, but that's beside the point. Princess Fleur, before your execution, I want you to join me at a ceremony that will make this battle station completely operational. No place on this world, or the next, will dare oppose the Emperor now.
Fleur: The more you tighten your grip, Goyle, the more cities and planets will slip through your enormous fingers.
Grand Moff Goyle: Behold the Palace of Beauxbatons. Because you have chosen to be so unhelpful to our cause, we will blow it up.
Fleur: But Beauxbatons is peaceful! We have no weapons. We only have ice sculptures, and fairies, and…
Grand Moff Goyle: Would you prefer another target, a military target. Then name the location. I grow tired of asking this so it'll be the last time: Where is the rebel base?
Fleur: Knockturn Alley. It's in Knockturn Alley.
Grand Moff Goyle: There. See, Lord Serpent Tongue, she can be reasonable. Continue with the operation; you may fire when ready.
Fleur: WHAT?
Grand Moff Goyle: You're far too trusting. Knockturn Alley is too remote to make an effective demonstration-but don't worry; we'll deal with your rebel friends soon enough.
They all watch as the Dark Mark open's its ghastly mouth and sends a snake shaped beam slithering towards Beauxbatons. The beam engulfs the Palace and its occupants leaving no trace of their former existence.
Scene IX: Aboard the Flying Ford Falcon. Remus J. Lupebacca is playing chess with N2-G2 while Kreechio watches avidly, hissing insults to all parties. In the meantime, Bill is laughing at Godric's feeble attempts to teach Lord Voldewalker the Porsche.
Lupebacca begins howling and moaning angrily.
K-3R0: No use moaning. That was a perfectly acceptable move you moronic and filthy half-breed. No one moans or groans when a house elf or a snake loses at chess.
Bill: However, weirdoes aren't known for tearing those who beat them to shreds. Werewolves are known to do that. Even tame ones like Lupey.
K-3R0: Point taken. New strategy Ento (N2). Let the werewolf win.
Suddenly, Godric collapses onto his chair.
Godric: Suddenly I sense that a great terrible thing has happened and thousands of millions of people have died.
Lord: Oh well. Let's continue.
Godric: Fine. It's pronounced "Sectumsempra."
Bill: What are you doing?
Godric: I'm teaching the whelp the power of the Porsche. He's going to become the last Dark Lord.
Bill sniggers. Suddenly an alarm sounds as they are approaching Beauxbatons. In the distance they see an emerald green skull floating above a wasteland.
Lupebacca: Ooooh. Pretty colors.
Lord: What is that thing? Where's Beauxbatons?
Bill: Beauxbatons has completely disappeared. That thing looks like a lighting display.
Godric: That's no lighting display. It's a space station.
Lord: I have a really bad feeling about this.
Godric: Turn this hunk of junk around.
Bill: Good idea.
It was too late. The Flying Ford Falcon was being drawn into the Dark Mark thru its mouth.
Lord: Why aren't you turning around?
Bill: They're sucking us in. Hold on.
Scene X: The Flying Ford Falcon was pulled into the Dark Mark. Almost immediately, it is surrounded by a legion of Dwarf Troopers. Darth Serpent Tongue leads the contingent to explore the ship.
Darth: Have you found anything, Commander Crabbe?
General Crabbe: Nothing, my Lord. According to the ship's log, the vessel blasted out of Mos Hogsmeade. After that, it landed on LV426, where it was contaminated by something that forced the crew to abandon ship. However, I think the log is a bit far fetched. I think it served as a decoy.
Darth: Do you? I want every part of this old junky car scanned. I sense a presence I haven't felt in a long time.
General Crabbe looks at Darth Serpent Tongue for additional clarification, but none comes. Serpent Tongue shoots him an exasperated look and goes to Grand Moff Goyle's office. A group of Dwarf Troopers, armed with scanners, boards the vessel. The remainder of the contingent march away. On board, there is a brief struggle, as our Heroes, who had hidden themselves under the seat cushions in the Flying Ford Anglia, ambush the Dwarf Troopers. They steal Dwarf armor and weapons and capture a lookout terminal.
Godric: N2-G2 find the nearest power adaptor and tell us the location of the controls for the Dark Mark's mouth.
N2-G2 quickly brings up the location of the power terminal, which is in the heart of the Dark Mark.
Godric: I'm afraid none of you can help me. I must do this alone.
Lord: Why? I don't want to be stuck with these weirdoes.
Godric: Your destiny lies along a different path than mine. The Porsche will be with you—always.
O.G. Wan Gryffindobi leaves the office in search of the Dark Mark's mouth controls.
Bill: Where did you find that old fool?
Lord: Godric is a great man.
Bill: Great at what? Getting us into trouble.
Lord: You're just jealous.
Bill Solo and Lord Voldewalker begin dueling. They are so preoccupied that they don't see or hear N2-G2 hissing with delight.
Lupebacca: Oh, no! I'm turning into a werewolf!
Lupebacca howls. Bill and Lord Voldewalker look up in alarm.
Lupebacca: Made you look. Haahhaha. N2-G2 has something to say.
K-3R0: She keeps hissing, "I've found her, I've found her."
Bill: Found whom?
K-3R0: Princess Fleur.
Lord: The Princess!
Bill: What Princess?
Lord: The Princess, Fleur Ollivander. You remember her. She was a Triwizard Champion. She did so well, despite her last place finish, that the French made her a Princess.
Bill: Oh.
K-3R0: I'm afraid she is scheduled to be terminated—filthy veela slime.
Lord: We have to save her.
Bill: Hey. I was paid to deliver a group of weirdoes to Beauxbatons, not rescue Princesses from the Imperial Army.
Lord: She's rich. If you helped save her, the reward would be more than you can imagine.
Bill: I don't know about that. I am a worker/smuggler from Gringotts after all. Okay, let's go. I don't have any plans for the moment anyway. Lupey, come with me. You two weirdoes stay here.
Scene XI: Bill Solo, and Lord Voldewalker—dressed in Dwarf Trooper armor—lead Remus J. Lupebacca before them as a prisoner. They reach the detention center, unscathed.
Dwarfish Officer: What is that thing doing in my detention center?
Bill: Prisoner exchange from cellblock…
Dwarfish Officer: No need to tell me the cellblock. We only have 10 cells, and out of those, only one is occupied. Wait—(hit by a sense of realization)—you're here to rescue the Princess aren't you?
Lord: Garn. How did he know that?
Dwarfish Officer: Telepathy.
Dwarfish officer reaches for his axe, but is killed by Lupebacca. The resultant noise triggered an alarm thru the detention block and indeed, the entire ship.
Bill: Hurry up, Lord Voldewalker. We're going to have company.
Telephone rings at front desk. Bill Solo answers.
Bill: Hello.
Disembodied Voice: What is going on?
Bill: Oh nothing. Just an accident.
Disembodied Voice: What type of an accident?
Bill: I tripped.
Disembodied Voice: You tripped?
Bill: Yes, I tripped over my friend's broomstick. I don't fly myself. Well, look at the size of me; I don't reckon that there is a broomstick that'd hold me. A friend of mine breeds Abraxon horses. I dunno if you've ever seen 'em. Big beasts, winged. I had a bit of a ride on one of them and it was…
Disembodied Voice: What is your Imperial ID number?
Bill: Ah, well—(Destroys telephone)—oh dear. Hurry up.
Lord Voldewalker finds Fleur's cell and opens it to find Fleur sitting on the floor.
Fleur: Aren't you a little tall for a Dwarf Trooper?
Lord: What? Oh, the uniform. (Removes fake beard). I'm Lord Voldewalker. I came with your weirdoes and O.G. Wan Gryffindobi to save you.
Fleur: Yea.
They reach the main lobby where they hear drilling outside the door.
Bill: They're breaking thru. Retreat.
Door dissolves as a squadron of Imperial Dwarf Troopers break thu. A battle ensues.
Bill: Run back down the detention block! Now!
They reach the end of the detention block. Bill, Lord Voldewalker, and Remus J. Lupebacca continue blasting the Dwarf Troopers. Princess Fleur grabs Voldewalker's wand-blaster and destroys a portion of the flooring.
Fleur: Get in wolf-boy.
Fleur jumps in.
Bill: Lupebacca, get in there.
Lupebacca groans and moans, as he can't fit in the hole. Bill gives him a firm shove and he falls below.
Bill: Jump in kid! I'll cover.
Bill and Lord Voldewalker jump into the depths below. They fall into a dank cavernous room filled with empty drink cans and other garbage. Portions of this garbage are floating in knee-deep muck.
Lord: Where are we?
Bill: In an Imperial garbage dump. Get out of the way. I'm going to jinx open the door.
Fleur: No!
Bill fires his wand-blaster at the door. The laser beam ricocheted off the wall and creates a chilling sound.
Fleur: Will you be careful? You'll get us all killed.
Bill: I was handling the situation fine up there before you led us down here.
Lord: Well, at least it can't get any worse.
Lord Voldewalker is suddenly pulled under the muck by the Giant Squid, which lives in the Dark Mark for some odd reason. The remaining people found that very amusing given his last comment and burst into laughter. Eventually, the Squid releases Lord Voldewalker out of exasperation because he had failed to get the desired effect of shock and fear.
Lord: What was that thing? Why didn't you help?
Bill: Because it was very funny.
Enraged, Lord Voldewalker attempts to strangle Bill. However, he stops when the walls begin to cave in.
Bill: Brace the walls.
Lord: Wait. I can just send a message to Kreechio using my two-way mirrors. Kreechio. Come in Kreechio.
K-3R0 and N2-G2 had moved from their original location to one closer to the Flying Ford Falcon.
K-3R0: Yes, Sir.
Lord: Shut down all the garbage compacters on the detention level. Shut down all the garbage compacters on the detention level.
K-3R0: What did you say, Sir? (Gives a very fake yawn). Kreechio is just too tired from all the excitement.
Lord: Shut down all the garbage compacters on the detention level. In thirty seconds, we'll be dead, and you'll be turned into Darth Serpent Tongue's evening snack.
K-3R0: Okay. N2-G2 shut down all the garbage compacters.
Garbage compactor shuts down and the door opens. Lord Voldewalker, Lupebacca, Fleur, and Bill Solo exit.
Lord: Thanks Kreechio. We're heading towards the ship.
Scene XII: O.G. Wan Gryffindobi wanders towards the Control center for the Dark Mark's mouth. When he reaches it, he realizes that he has no idea as to how it is operated. Therefore, he finds the plug, and unplugs it. In the meantime, our Heroes make their way thru the Dark Mark en route to their ship.
Fleur: Do you have any idea as to where you are going?
Bill: Yeppers. I'm just following the signs towards the exit.
They follow the exit signs straight to the Dwarf Trooper staff room.
Dwarf Trooper: Hey. Who are you?
Bill: Oops. Split up. Lord Voldewalker, you take Fleur and go left. Lupey and I will go right.
They split. The majority of the Dwarf Troopers follow Bill and Lupebacca. After going a brief distance, Bill and Lupebacca stop and Lupebacca howls, impersonating a werewolf. The Dwarf Troopers, frightened, run back the way they came. Lord Voldewalker and Fleur have relatively few problems, excluding the fact that they reach a dead end before a great chasm.
Fleur: Oh no. What will we do?
Lord: Let's apparate.
Fleur: Why not?
They apparate and meet up with Bill and the Werewolf and continue their journey. Meanwhile, Godric approaches the ship when he is met by his former apprentice Darth Serpent Tongue.
Darth: So, we meet again O.G. Wan Gryffindobi for the last time. When last we met, I was the learner and you were the master. However, things have changed since then. Now you are the master and I am the learner.
Godric Wan Gryffindobi rolls his eyes.
Darth: Do I detect a flicker of fear? No? Then let us duel.
Godric pulls out his wand-saber when Darth shakes his head. They both pull out old metal swords. Godric's has rubies at the hilt and his name inscribed on the blade. Darth Serpent Tongue's has emeralds on the hilt. His name has been marked out, with Darth Serpent Tongue written in marker further down. Meanwhile, …
Lord: Kreechio, where are you? We are near the ship and it appears to be unguarded. Let's go.
Bill: Everyone, let's get on board ASAP. Have your weapons at the ready.
They begin to walk towards the ship. Lord Voldewalker notices the duel across the way. Godric Wan Gryffindobi easily unarms Darth Serpent Tongue. However, before he can finish him off, Serpent Tongue kicks Godric in the shins and pulls out his wand-saber to kill Godric. Godric is killed.
Lord: No!
The Dwarf Troopers and Darth Serpent Tongue are alerted to their presence. The Dwarf Troopers begin firing. Bill runs aboard the Flying Ford Falcon and gets it ready for takeoff. Darth Serpent Tongue uses the Porsche to pull the Falcon back towards him. The situation begins to look bleak when Lord Voldewalker remembers the can containing ground-Morfin sausage. He pulls it out and chucks it as hard as he can at Serpent Tongue. It hits him on his helmeted head, knocking him over. Bill accelerates and drives out.
Bill: Let's not celebrate just yet. We are going to be attacked by imperial Swedish Snortsnout Fighters.
Lord: And how do you know that? Telepathy?
Bill: No, I just glanced out the rear-view mirror.
Lord: Oh.
Bill: Lupey, you drive onwards. Lord Voldewalker and I will man the guns.
Lupebacca growls in assent. Voldewalker and Bill go to opposite sides of the wheel wells, where there are laser cannons. Sure enough, they are attacked by Shortsnouts.
Bill: Fire away, sonny.
Lord: Bang, bang, bang.
Bill: By golly you're an idiot.
Nonetheless, thru the combined efforts of Bill Solo and Lupebacca, with some help from Lord Voldewalker, they managed to escape the clutches of the Empire…for the moment.
Bill: Well, Princess. We escaped.
Fleur: For the moment. However, I suspect that the Empire is following us to the secret Rebel base.
Bill: What makes you think that?
Fleur: Because they tied a length of rope to the bumper.
Bill: Oh, is that what that was?
Fleur: We must hurry to the rebel base. It's the only way we can stop the Dark Mark. Where's your friend?
Bill: He's below, shouting, "Bang, Bang, Bang." Stupid kid.
Scene XIII: Having escaped the Empire, the Flying Ford Falcon flew to a landing spot at the rebel base in Diagon Alley. Upon landing, they are greeted by the Commander of the Rebel army, General Horace Slughorn.
General Slughorn: Welcome back, Your Highness. When we heard about Beauxbatons, we feared the worst.
Fleur: I'm back and I brought the plans.
General Slughorn: Good. Let's take them inside to analyze them.
While inside the rebel headquarters—The Leaky Cauldron—Slughorn retrieves the remainder of the plans from inside of N2-G2. He plugs them in to an electrical socket and watches them light up.
General Slughorn: After a careful analysis of the plans, we have discovered that the Dark Mark is a lean, mean, planet-destroying machine.
Barty Antilles: Well, that's obvious. What else do they say?
General Slughorn: They do reveal one weakness in the entirety of the entire battlestation. If you hit a 1-foot by 1-foot square in the Dark Mark's left nostril, you will be able to set off a chain reaction whereby the battlestation will be unable to let off any exhaust. The pressure will build up to the point where it will explode.
Barty Antilles: One foot by one foot. That's impossible.
Lord: That's not impossible. I used to shoot down flies in my Uncle's house. They are only a millimeter long and move quickly.
Barty Antilles: Well good for you.
General Slughorn: Very good. Everyone board your broomsticks. May the Porsche be with you.
Scene XIV: A shot of the Dark Mark.
Grand Moff Goyle: Was the rope firmly attached to the Flying Ford Falcon's bumper? I am taking an awful risk here, Serpent Tongue. This had better work.
Darth Serpent Tongue: Never fear. Just as today saw the end of Gryffindobi, so to will it see the end of the Rebellion. You and I will be heroes of the Empire.
Scene XV: A scene of the broom shed at Diagon Alley.
Lord: Bill, where are you going?
Bill: I have to settle some old debts. Hagga the Hutt has placed a price on my head so high, that it has a better chance of colliding/destroying the Dark Mark then you all do.
Lord: You can't leave. We need you here. You're turning your back on them.
Bill: What good is a reward if you're not around to use it?
Lord: Fine. Take care of yourself, Bill. I suppose that's what you're best at.
Bill: Lord Voldewalker…may the Porsche be with you.
Lupebacca growls something that sounds curiously like "We really ought to keep an eye on him. He can't take care of himself." Enter Princess Fleur with K-3R0.
Fleur: What's wrong?
Lord: Oh, it's just Bill. I really thought he would stay.
Fleur: Somehow, I suspect he'll be back. Good luck.
K-3R0: Do make sure you damage N2-G2. He really is a lousy snake. Personally I don't see why you brought him.
Lord: Silence Kreechio! I shall return.
The Rebels board their broomsticks, and proceed to fly towards the Dark Mark. Enter Imperial Shortsnouts.
Theodan: All brooms report in.
Ceorl: Red 1
Eomer: Red 2
Barty Antilles: Red 3
Lord: This is stupid. Gosh, I wish I could just leave the squadron now.
Theodan: Cut the chatter Red 4.
Come within sight of the Dark Mark
Barty Antilles: Look at the size of that thing.
Battle ensues as the Dwarves shoot fire at their opponent's brooms. Likewise, the Rohirim warriors hew off the heads of the Dwarfish Shortsnouts, sending them to the depths below. Aboard the Dark Mark, things are becoming tense.
General Crabbe: Some of the Rebels are flying away from the main core. They are coming very near to the Dark Mark's left nostril.
Darth: Very good. Send the remaining pilots to the dragon's den immediately. Inform Grand Moff Goyle of this immediately.
General Crabbe: Very good, my Lord.
The Battle outside of the Dark Mark continues to rage. Lord Voldewalker, Barty Antilles, and several other Rebels fly towards the left nostril in an attempt to destroy the Dark Mark. Unknown to them, Darth Serpent Tongue and two Dwarf Troopers are flying right towards them.
Ceorl: Look, all of the firing has stopped.
Barty: That's because several Imperial Dwarf Troopers are flying to incinerate us.
Ceorl: Oh. I didn't think of that.
Theodan: Ceorl, Barty, Voldewalker, come with me. We're going in.
Darth: I don't think so Theodan King.
Darth Serpent Tongue's Swedish Shortsnout opens its mouth and swallows Theodan whole. Meanwhile, aboard the Dark Mark…
General Crabbe: We have analyzed the Rebel's strategy and we see a distinct danger to us. Shall I have your ship ready, Sir?
Grand Moff Goyle: Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances, General. Within three minutes, we will be within firing range. You may flee if you wish.
Grand Moff Goyle sneers as Crabbe exits.
Lord: Okay, guys. We are the only three left. I'm going in full-throttle. Barty, Ceorl, cover me.
Ceorl & Barty: Right-o!
The three musketeers flew in towards the left nostril. Darth Serpent Tongue and his two Dwarfish wingmen followed.
Darth: I have you now.
Serpent Tongue gives his dragon a dig in the ribs and it breathes fire at Lord Voldewalker's wingmen. Ceorl is engulfed and Barty's tail catches fire.
Barty: Lord Voldewalker, I've been hit.
Lord: Get out of here, Barty. You can't do any more good back there.
Barty: Sorry.
Barty Antilles flies off towards the Rebel base. Lord Voldewalker is all-alone.
Lord: I'm doomed
Godric: Lord Voldewalker. Use the Porsche.
Darth: The Porsche is strong in this one. I think I'll kill him anyway.
Bill: Yehaha.
Darth: What!
Bill Solo fires at Darth Slytherin just as his Shortsnout is breathing fire at Lord Voldewalker aims at the left nostril. Voldewalker, already queasy, bails out and flies towards home. The fiery jet that was meant to hit him instead entered the left nostril.
Darth: Ah, darn. I should get myself out of here.
Darth Serpent Tongue flies off towards the Imperial capital, while Lord Voldewalker and the Flying Ford Falcon fly towards Diagon Alley. The Dark Mark explodes in a flash of green stars.
Fleur: Well done. I knew there was more to you than money, Bill.
General Slughorn: Well done m'boy. Keep up work like that and I'll wager you'll be leader of the Rebellion in ten days. Five if you give me more crystallized pineapple.
K-3R0: Garn, I hoped that snake would die.
Lord: Enough of that Kreechio. Everyone, lets go to the Leaky Cauldron to celebrate. At least the Empire's over.
The rebels go to celebrate their victory. In the meantime, Lord Serpent Tongue is reading Voldewalker's thoughts thru the Porsche.
Darth: That's what you think, young Voldewalker.
Darth Serpent Tongue smirks and walks onward to begin his quest: the capture of Lord Voldewalker and the destruction of the Rebellion.
The End—For Now At Least