Embarrassing. I thought I was over the phase where I had to be carried around for the rest of my life.
Unfortunately, Roxy kept her promise and canceled her night lessons… for several days.
I thought I'd go mad with the sudden amount of free time I got, but no one really comes to my room, so I take opportune and sneak out the window, practicing a few techniques.
My parents, distracted by their nightly activities, give me around an hour of no adult supervision right now, so I'm free to get some training in right now.
"Always forward, just a step. It doesn't matter where you go, so long as you don't stop," I say an idiom I remember from my past life.
There's only a few hours 'till daytime so I can probably still work something in.
"Trace on,"
/
Mmm. Waking up is getting harder, and harder.
I pushed myself a bit harder than usual I guess.
The strain on my body gets removed through healing magic, but only temporarily. It also feels like that euphoric feeling of fatigue going away is lasting less, and less.
Perhaps this is mana fatigue?
Whatever, I'll deal with it when it comes.
So… heavy… can't move, no,,, don't want to move.
So slothful, what was I doing again?
Oh, that's right, I passed out. Where am I?
I took a moment to look around and see my surroundings. As you would expect I am in my-
Crap, I slept outside. I could probably still make it outside though, and make it look like I got up early for morning practice.
I get up, start to head towards my house but… I really don't. What do I want?
I want, I want, want to…
"Get up you lazy bum. How long are you going to keep laying on that bed? We're turning off the internet connection, if you don't start making an effort. Here," I was thrown a pair of shoes "A pair of running shoes now, go run around the park, and don't come back if that shirt isn't even a little bit dirty," before consequently being thrown out that door, and told to do something with myself.
Right, I remember. It's been a while, but I was quite slothful.
Continuing on my way to my house, I am suddenly hit with a wave of nostalgia.
On that day, I didn't leave the door of my own free will, I was pushed out. It was what I needed. But as usual I messed it up.
On that day I ran and ran, my heart was pumping hard enough for me to hear. Something I haven't heard in years. My breathing was hard and ragged, my eyes were blurry, and my feet hurt, but they were also cold? If that makes any sense.
I think I might have lost some blood flow to my feet.
These thoughts are so annoying.
I'm not like back then, my body can still move, my blood is still flowing. Let's throw myself into training, and forget about it.
/
"Ow,"
"Haha, Rudy what's going on? You'll never beat your old man if you can't even beat Lilia- Ah, not that there's any shame in that," He corrected himself upon Lilia's gaze.
Damn couldn't get a single win today. That hasn't happened in a while.
Yeah, no other way to say it, Lilia's been kicking my ass.
After repeated beatdowns on the hand of Paul I was able to convince him, with the help of Zenith, to invite Lilia in and help me out here and there. Being already familiar with Lilia's teaching, and the fact that Paul and Lilia have trained together in the past, she worked as both a translator, as well as an instructor.
I've gotten significantly better, and Paul hits me less… until recently that is.
Seeing as I couldn't even touch Paul lately I've been training with Lilia these days, but…
"Ouch,"
My arms hurt.
"That's enough master Rudeus,"
"W-wait, I can still-"
"No you can't. It's already noon, your magic lessons are about to begin, wrap up and wash up, time to go," Lilia sends me on my way.
She is right… guess there's nothing you can do, time to go.
…
"Is it apparent now master Paul?"
"...yeah, he's getting weaker, don't know-"
"He's running himself ragged, sir Paul,"
"...yeah…"
"I'll speak with lady Zenith, and advice her to halt the healing,"
"Thank you very much," Paul knelt down slightly, holding his hands in prayer.
Such conversation was not heard by Rudeus Greyrat unfortunately.
/
Roxy sensei is treating me oddly today, or spoiling me to be exact. We had a short, really, short lesson, and she's been taking me around the village today.
With my lessons taking place in the afternoon, and the villagers being mostly active during the morning, my contact with them is minimal, excluding Paul's thot patrol that 'coincidentally,' make an appearance every time he trains… shirtless.
As such the few times I've gone to the village it's quite barren, except for a few adults here and there, and a few children playing along.
I've been invited a couple times, even played with them once, but… well, the less said about it the better.
Sensei teps into the middle of a field, and starts waving around her staff.
Ho, she didn't make a chant, it seems we're both learning.
Rain starts to fall on the wheat fields, much to the villagers' delight.
"Ah, thank you Roxy," "Thank you young miss," "Always thankful," "so young, and so talented," etc, etc, she is lavished with several praises as she makes her way down the fields. Buena's village's own resident Idol.
I wonder… I guess I could give it a go. The magic, not the idol.
I separate myself from Roxy and try to get a feel of what she just did, "Eh, R-Rudy? Rudy! I told you to-"
"HA-" I cast, making a short burst of rain. No good, without an incantation, and only doing it once, I skipped too many steps, not good for a first time.
Oh well. "Sorry sensei, I…" Eh… I'm feeling light headed…
"Rudy!" I see sensei running across the field, sideways.
Ah, I'm falling…
I fell to the ground, and tried to pick myself up, a small splotch of blood on the ground where my face fell.
Another nose bleed.
"Rudy! Are you alright, oh… don't worry… and… home…" It's no good, I'm losing concentration.
Ah, this feeling…
/
Waking up not knowing where you are is starting to get annoying.
Feeling groggy, heavy, and hot, slightly disoriented, and with a small itch over my skin, I start looking around the room.
I'm back in my room laying in my bed, take a look out the window, and it seems the sun has already set.
Looks like several hours have passed.
It's nighttime now, it is quiet and cool, except for my head which is warm and covered with a wet towel. My body as well, but with blankets. It's heavy.
Here I am again… All roads lead to Rome I suppose.
As I lay on my bed, I reflect on today, on my life… and my other life. I'm practically forced to. It feels almost prophetic, how I was reminiscing about crashing, so to speak, and here I am; a total wreck…
Seriously… just… seriously…
What have I been doing? I don't know.
Why am I working so hard? I don't know.
…no I do.
I always knew the answer, but like everything, I ran from it.
I've been running for so long. So, very very long.
I have been doing my best. I have been doing everything I could. I have been working hard, and yet, yet…
Here I am.
Moving forward, always moving, constantly improving, taking on the next task, again, and again. Always moving, but this…
"Sigh," What am I afraid of?.
I've been making the same mistakes of the past.
Once upon a time, I knew how high my stamina was. I knew for how long I could perform. I pushed, and pushed until my feet were cold, and my chest was warm. Pushing my body to levels it couldn't handle. I was… running away.
Running away from my present, stuck in the past. Distracting myself with pain.
The less I feel, the less I'm reminded of my own flab, the less I see, the more I don't have to see. I… have never known where I was running too.
Old habits die hard, I suppose.
My life was a lot of things back then, but at the end of the day, it was mine, it was wasted, but it was my own to waste. It was unpredictable. It was real. This, what is this? Is this even my own?
Madness, mad, lunacy, anger, rage, feelings so rotten they scratch at the back of my throat, wanting to get out. I could scream.
I did scream, once. I was 6 months old then, it was futile though, my feelings were ignored and I was treated as the six month old I was. My parents and Lilia just thought I was being a child. I suppose I was.
It seems those feelings never truly went away, just ignored.
I'm stuck in fiction, or maybe I am fiction, god if I know. Oh that's right, God wants me dead, and he's also fiction. It's all so maddening.
Yeah, that's right, mad. I've been mad for years now, and only now realized it. No, I've been going mad.
How could I not, my existence, my life, my death… everything about me is questionable.
What, was I supposed to just sit back and quietly accept this. This world is beautiful, but the feeling that it couldn't be real is always in the back of my head. And if the world isn't real, then maybe I'm not real. Hell, who's to say I even existed. Perhaps these memories are false.
Should I pull a deadpool and break the fourth wall?
Don't fuck with me! I won't break the fourth, I'll break the 5th, do you feel a presence behind you reader/viewer, look out! My life is my own!
Perhaps my life is just ink on a page, but I feel alive, I am alive… right?
It really is maddening.
"Sigh," Still though, at least I found out about this now. Now I can address it, and move on from this. I need to…
Well, I'll figure it out. Crazy reality or not I'm fine, fine, just a bit burned out, right? Right!
If nothing else the exhaustion my body and soul are going through are proof that I am here. If I'm not careful. I really could go mad.
But I'm better now… definitely better… right, yeah.
Oh really then why are you talking to yourself?
"What?"
What?
"Gasp," I sat up with a start, my heartbeat erratic. "Ok, enough of that…"
This isn't good. Me and silence don't get along. All this self thought, is just making me think things I don't want to think about.
Breathe.
That's right, the only thing I can be sure of is the sound of my own heartbeat. That is why I pushed myself so. It's not because, because
You already know the answer. I am,
"Afraid," I say out loud. I need to say it aloud.
"I am afraid," at the end of the day that is what it all comes down to. Afraid of death, afraid of my future, afraid of this existence.
Truth be told, I don't think the concept of being fictional is that scary, it's the prospect of not having control over your own life that I find terrifying. A terrifying prospect when this is my second life at that.
A new life, a new fantasy. But my heart is still weak.
It's almost funny how I've been in a state of fear for so long, and didn't sound of my own heartbeat wasn't just excitement it seems.
Truly maddening.
Maybe this is why I embraced this fantasy so easily. If it's a dream it is quite a pleasant one. If it's reality, then…
"I gotta start talking outloud, otherwise the madness within me will eat me up. I… I just don't know what to do, someone, anyone… please save me," A tear escapes my closed eyes. My own quiet whimpering goes in this room, of course no one-
Knock. Knock.
Someone is at the door. "Rudy, I'm coming in…" a low voice is heard from behind the door, such that I'm able to make out who it is.
"Eh? Ah, wait a-" the door opens mist my jamering, and I quickly turn my back to the person in reflex, hiding my weakness.
Old habits die hard. I wipe my tears before turning back..
In came the Loli… I mean Roxy.
"I see you're awake. I brought you some soup," Roxy comes in holding a tray with a bowl and a cup of water on it.
"Mmm. Thanks," I take a sip, then another, and slurp it all up soon after, "it's delicious,"
"I'm sure Lilia will be happy to hear that. Your mom also made one first, but it was…" she makes an uneasy face, "too nutritional, for immediate use. Look forward to it," she said.
"I see,"
"Ahem," she coughed into her hand. "Rudy… are you alright?"
…well isn't that the million dollar question
"I… I am…" the urge to reflexively deny is still there, but I can't lie right now.
"I heard you crying," it seems lying was impossible anyway. "The walls are thin, it's very easy for sound to travel between these walls… especially at night," she twirls a hair strand while blushing a little.
"Haha, that's true…" I pause for a moment, before recollecting myself. "No, I'm not… I am… afraid."
"I-
Stop thinking and start talking.
"Rudy," she reaches out to me and places her hand on top of my own.
I've lived in my own head long enough.
"I had a close death experience once you know," I start telling my tale.
As much as I would like to unleash my heart out to her, or anyone really, and tell her EVERYTHING. I'll save that kind of talk for when I'm ready. For now I can only show her a peak of what I'm feeling, and so I'll tell her the core of my fears without going into existentialism.
"Please don't tell my parents. They don't know, it's nothing they did or anything like that, I-I was just stupid. I-I made a stupid decision, and payed for it," all true, just about my old life. "I was weak and I di-almost died. I hated that feeling. I never want to experience it ever again. I don't want to die. Don't want to be weak, I don't want to… I don't… don't like that feeling of emptiness, it scares me,"
"I'm afraid sensei. I can't stand it, standing still. I won't. I need to move, I need to get stronger, I need more magic, techniques. I need to be better! Be the strongest in the world-"
"Distractions," she said in her sweet voice. "Rudy you…" she looked at me with a look in pain I couldn't quite understand, before reaching out and squeezing my hand.
"Am I your master Rudy?" she asked.
"Ro-, yes you are my teacher Roxy,"
"Then listen," she breathes in and out. "Slow down."
Before I could answer she continued, "You are confusing moving for rivers flow, the clouds float, and grains get tossed by the wind. People live. They stop and eat, rest, and find company in others. They find comfort and happiness in the little moments. They cry, rage, and despair… but they also laugh, smile, and love. Rudeus, when was the last time you sat down and enjoyed your day."
"That…" has been a while. In both life's.
"When was the last time you 'enjoyed' life?"
"…"
"Rudy, if you were to become the strongest person in the world, what then. No- even if you were to become that strongest, how long would it take for you to be that, how old would you be?"
"..."
"Rudy, what makes you happy?" she asked
"...I like magic…" I whispered weakly.
"Rudy, it's okay to slow down. Enjoy life. Rather, as your sensei, I'm ordering it!`` She emphasizes the sensei part.
"Sensei… the strict sensei look doesn't match your sweet voice…" I jokingly say. She pouts in response.
Flick. She flicks my forehead.
I-I-Itachi?!
Pff. "Haha, yeah you're right. How can I deny my cute teacher's advice? Thank you sensei,"
She turns her head away at my laughter, tilting her hat a bit covering her face. "Good," she says.
After a moment, we both recover ourselves, and get back to our senses. Roxy sensei tells me magical classes are canceled until I recover. Until then, we will be doing night time classes reviewing other material that doesn't involve magic, like geography, and mathematics.
What a slave driver.
Roxy exited after explaining to me my condition was similar to mana fatigue, but slightly odd, it's not her area of expertise, but she has the idea that multiple uses of healing spells while pushing mana fatigue, has been pushing my body's ability to absorb mana.
Apparently Zenith attempted to use a healing spell, but all it did was heal my physical body, but the fever remained.
"I was really doing something dangerous wasn't I," I contemplated in the quiet of my own room.
"Yes you were Rudeus,"
"Bwah," a startled sound escapes my mouth.
"L-Lilia, when did you come in?" I asked.
"I came a short moment after Roxy left to bed, you seemed to be lost in thought,"
True, but still, are you a ninja? Then again, I really am out of it…
"...you have a very wise teacher,"
"Yeah, I do. Lilia, ah thanks, for the soup,"
"It is my duty master Rudeus, but you're welcome,"
She walked to the corner of my bed, and started picking up the dishes, and moving them to the side. She then took a wet rag from a bucket that was placed by the floor, and replaced the one I threw off my bed.
"It seems master Rudeus is feeling better, but both Roxy and your mother have agreed to no more lessons for the time being, and I agree with them,"
"Yeah," I said demurely.
Can't really argue against them on this one. I've been, well… out of my mind. Ha ha…
"How much did you hear?"
"Enough,"
"I suppose you can't keep it a secret could you?"
"I am in service of Lady Zenith and Paul, but," she looked away shyly. "I am also Rudeus's maid."
"Thank you, you're too good to me,"
"I think it's mutual," she comes to my bed and sits leaning her back to the wall and letting one of her legs stretch, while the other hangs to the side. She pulled her dress a bit, and revealed her leg to me.
"Master Rudeus's effort has not been in vain. One step at a time, but a step is a step, Rudy is making fine progress, but still I do agree with your mother and teacher. Please slow down, you'll worry others. Including me," she added.
"Lilia, I-"
"Rudy, you're… very important to this family, to me, it hurts us to see you in pain. Please don't push yourself that hard again," she interrupted. Seems to be the trend of the day.
She leaned in close to me and-
Oh, is this the famous love confession scene, where she devotes all her love, kya~ my heart isn't ready.
She hugs me tightly against her chest.
"I'll miss you if you were gone. Please don't leave us," she whispers to my ear.
"Ok…" I say as I look up from her chest, and into her eyes.
They really are, a beautiful violet. There's no way this could be a fantasy, I could never dream up something so beautiful.
"Thank you," she whispers. She then parts my hair and kisses me on the forehead.
…
Ah.
My heart just skipped a beat. Oh, oh! Oh…
…
"Well, that is all. Master Rudeus needs his rest," she gently places me down, and places the fresh towel back on my forehead. "Goodnight. Also, congratulations on turning four," she stands up and pick up the remains of the soup and tray, before exiting the room with a gentle smile.
…
"My heart is still beating…" Once Lilia's footsteps had quietly faded, I uttered those words.
Oh, oh crap, my heart is beating faster… but it's not unpleasant. I…
"I think I just fell for her. Well… Shit…"
Where one trouble ends, another begins.
AN: This chapter was a nightmare to write. Felt like I was going mad writing this damn thing. So the thing about my chapters, is that I like to make sure the chapter that came before it, and the chapter that comes after it flow nicely together. So I do them in groups of three, and then spend a good time editing them, before I'm satisfied. Anyways, this chapter more or less, has to break the flow, and I had to write a character slightly going mad, with as little use of words as possible as I'm writing in first person. IT WAS MADDENING! Anyways, please leave reviews, and give me your opinions on this chapter.
Sidenote; I thought about writing about his existential crisis early, but at six months, when he finds out, he literally couldn't do anything about it. I felt this was more dramatic. Anyway, thoughts in the comment section please? Oh! And happy Halloween! Thought I post one day earlier because of the season.