Final Chapter! Sorry it's been so long, but, I have no excuse (besides being out of town for four days). Thanks for all your reviews! Once again, I don't own squat...

Random preemptive note: For some reason, I'm afraid I'm going to get tons of emails about this. I know that Sam and Rosie had thirteen kids, not nine, but that seems like a bit much to ask even a hobbit woman, ya know?

Enjoy!

-The Author

Galadriel: Well, I hope you enjoyed that message from our sponsors! And now it's nearly time to decide who is Mr. Middle Earth! But first: the direct-question round. It has been decided that Eowyn will be asking the questions for the direct-question round.

Eowyn: Alright. Hi. So. Aragorn-

Aragorn: Mr. Dunedain.

Eowyn: Yes. You're hot. Um. Mr. Dunedain, according to this notecard the first question is "Where would you take a girl on a first date?"

Aragorn: I suppose it would be a pleasant night of feasting and conversation at her father's house.

Arwen: shiny teeth

Rosie: Oh, come on!

Eowyn: I agree, that sounds really boring, actually. Okay, next question. What do you think is your best feature?

Aragorn: I don't know. I have so many excellent features, for instance, my strong chin, my beautiful, wise grey eyes, my intelligence, my lineage, my strong chin, my broad shoulders, my sense of humor, my modesty…I'll have to go with my modesty.

Rosie: Aren't there any more interesting questions?

Eowyn: Let me look. Um. Here's one: if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

Aragorn: What?

Rosie: What?

The Crowd: What?

Arwen: THE WHITE TREE OF GONDOR.

Aragorn: That. The White Tree of Gondor.

Rosie: He's boring! Let's bring out the next contestant!

Merry: And that would be me.

Eowyn: Alright. Hi there. You're – short, aren't you?

Merry: I'm taller than Pip.

Eowyn: Okay. First question: "Where would you take a girl on your first date?"

Merry: Oh, I don't know…I think I'd take her on my private yacht around the lake. We'd eat, get a tan, eat, watch the sunset while eating, it'd be fun.

Eowyn: And what do you think is your best feature?

Merry: My playfulness.

Eowyn: You rehearsed these questions ahead of time, didn't you?

Merry: I'm just that rich.

Galadriel: That's three questions! Next is Mr. Ithilien, Faramir of Gondor.

Faramir: Hi, I'm Faramir, the second-most-powerful man in Gondor.

Eowyn: Hi, I'm Eowyn, Lady of Rohan. Where would you take a girl on a first date?

Faramir: Hmm…I know this lovely spot in the Gardens where we could have a picnic and, well, "watch the sunset" without being disturbed.

Rosie: catcalls

Faramir: It's very romantic.

Eowyn: What do you think is your best quality?

Faramir: Well, do you mean physically? Because physically speaking, I think that my gorgeous bright blue eyes are very striking.

Eowyn: Indeed.

Faramir: But that's just shallow. A lot of people say that my shooting skills are above par, but what's par? And my close-range fighting skills I honed simply out of necessity. And that whole leadership thing – pffh. I only became a Captain of the Rangers to get away from my sickly father and the brother than I could never live up to. Above all, I think, what I actually deserve praise for my intelligence and open-mindedness.

Eowyn: What do you mean?

Faramir: What I mean is that I'm a scholar, and that's my favorite part of my personality. For instance, here's a sonnet from Elven lore, about a beautiful maiden with blonde hair and blue eyes holding a notecard who's just dazzling.

Eowyn: …

Faramir: It goes like this: ahem

Rosie: We don't want to hear poetry! Ask him some dirty questions!

Eowyn: Right. Um. Will you make out with me?

Faramir: With pleasure.

Galadriel: That's illegal! Both contestant and judge are disqualified!

Faramir and Eowyn: exit

Galadriel: Alright, next up is Sam. Here, Rosie, why don't you ask the questions now?

Rosie: Alright. Um. Well. Hi.

Sam: Hi.

Rosie: So, you're a big fellow.

Sam: I am? I've always thought I was sort of stout.

Frodo: Stout-HEARTED.

Galadriel: You've been eliminated, Mr. Hobbiton! Get off the stage!

Rosie: Right. Well. Anyway.

Sam: Are you nervous?

Rosie: This is a lot harder than it looks. What questions did Eowyn ask? Oh, right. Where would you take a girl on a first date?

Sam: Well, I dunno. I go on a lot of rambles and all, but I've always thought a date should be in a sort of sit-down place and the only place I know of would be the Green Dragon where you, uh, work, so that wouldn't, uh, work.

Rosie: What do you mean?

Sam: Nothing. Nothing at all.

Rosie: Um, what's the next question Eowyn asked?

Sam: What do you think is your best feature.

Rosie: Right. What do you think is your best feature?

Sam: Dunno. I like my hands. They're good and strong and they work the ground really well.

Rosie: They're big, too.

Sam: What does that mean?

Rosie: I'm not sure. I just know it's a good thing. Where do you see yourself in ten years?

Sam: Married with children.

Rosie: How many children?

Sam: How many do you want?

Rosie: Nine.

Sam: I'll go with nine.

Rosie: What kind of a girl do you think you'll marry?

Sam: Um, I dunno, you.

Rosie: What?

Sam: I mean…

Rosie: I love you too.

Sam: Really?

Rosie: Yeah.

Sam: 'Cause I've loved you for, like, ever.

Rosie: Awww!

Sam and Rose: exit

Galadriel: At this rate, we'll run out of judges before decision time. Alright, Eomer, you're up and…hmm…Arwen or Lothiriel? We'll go with the virgin Lothiriel. Absolutely nothing can go wrong there. Lothiriel, you interview him.

Lothiriel: Hi.

Eomer: Hi.

Lothiriel: So, where do you think you'd take a girl on your first date?

Eomer: Let's see…"feasting with her father" has already been taken, oh darn. And Faramir's stolen the sexual innuendoes.

Lothiriel: You could actually be honest.

Eomer: I could. Okay, I'd take her kiting.

Lothiriel: What?

Eomer: Kiting.

Lothiriel: You mean it's not going to do with horses?

Eomer: No. But I do like horses.

Lothiriel: Me too.

Galadriel: The judge is receiving a warning.

Lothiriel: Oh. Okay. Well. What do you think is your best feature?

Eomer: Everyone says "eyes," don't they?

Lothiriel: This is true.

Eomer: I'm going to go with eyes anyway.

Lothiriel: Excellent choice. Now…if you were…a tree…what sort of tree…would you be…stop laughing!

Eomer: It rhymes!

Lothiriel: Stop that! Answer the question!

Eomer: I can't! It's a stupid question!

Lothiriel: I know! Answer the question anyway!

Eomer: I don't know…a pear tree. So I could eat the fruit.

Lothiriel: You'd eat yourself?

Eomer: That's true. Hmm…

Lothiriel: This really is a stupid question. Okay, new question. Er…let's see…the notecard says…"What is the first thing you notice in a woman?"

Eomer: Well, every woman is different, but looking at you, I'd have to say that your lips very attractive.

Lothiriel: Really? I've never thought about them.

Eomer: They are.

Lothiriel: Thanks.

Eomer: In fact: kisses her.

Galadriel: IT'S LIKE YOU PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO GET DISQUALIFIED.

Arwen: A more likely factor is that the Author is really really really into shipping.

The Author: Or is really, really, really bored.

Galadriel: Judges! Excuse me, the single judge left, but you now have to make the final decision. The audience has given their input (and if you didn't, shame on you, you had over a week to vote, people!), and it's now time for you to decide!

Arwen: What, a choice between hairy-foot and Aragorn! That's easy! Aragorn!

Galadriel: That was, fortunately, the popular choice as well! Congratulations, Aragorn! You win the crown of Andor!

Arwen: And my heart!

Aragorn: That wasn't in the original agreement, but I'll take it!

Everyone: sings

Out of the Great Sea

To Middle Earth I am come

In this place I will abide

And my heirs

Unto the ending of the world!