A/N: Can ya'll believe 2021 is almost over? Feels like just yesterday Elliot rolled back into town and upended Olivia's life and all of ours. Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: Song is "Faith When I Fall" by Kip Moore. I don't own it or anything related to SVU.
I know it's been a long time since the last time we talked
I know I've been a stranger and that's all my fault
"Liv I'm sorry," Elliot said as she tried to retreat away from him in the hospital waiting room.
It had been 10 years. Ten very long years apart and this was never the way he was supposed to come back to her. And somewhere in his mind he always knew he would come back to her. The same way she had done to him after Computer Crimes and Oregon. But days turned into months into years, and this was not how it was supposed to go.
He was supposed to surprise her at her awards banquet and tell her she looked beautiful, tell her how proud he was of her, and apologize for being absent for so many years. He'd planned to ask her to come back with them to the hotel bar after the festivities for a drink to catch up, listen as she told them all about the things she'd done and accomplished in the last decade before exchanging current phone numbers and telling her he was back on the job, hoping to meet up for coffee or dinner when he had to come to the city for meetings and trials.
This night was supposed to be about her, not him, and yet somehow she'd missed her ceremony, told Kathy it was nothing, confirmed they hadn't talked in 10 years and she didn't even know he was on the job.
"You want to do this now?" she asked.
He recognized that look. The "you can't be serious but I suppose I can indulge you because you're going to be the one saying something dumb and giving me exactly what I need to back you into a confession. He'd seen it many times in interrogation.
"You're sorry for leaving?" she asked. "Or are you sorry for walking…"
He doesn't miss how she stops herself, changes her wording.
"For not giving me the courtesy of telling me?" she finished.
"Both," he responded honestly.
He was sorry about everything. Sorry about shooting Jenna, not answering her calls, putting in his papers under the cover of darkness, not saying goodbye, and coming back with a very literal explosion and ruining something else for her.
"I think I thought if I talked to you about how…" he started.
"You walked away?" she finished for him, finishing her own sentence from a few minutes ago. "Because that's what you did Elliot. I had to find out from Cragen."
It hit and it heard like he knew it would, and it should. He deserved anything she could throw at him.
"You were the most… single most important person in my life, and you just… disappeared," she said.
She said so little, but the words spoke so much. It was a confession that he wondered if she even realized she just made, acknowledging how close they were. It wasn't like it was brand new information. They had to be evaluated by a department shrink because of it. But 10 years later, she still felt that way after all this time. That was big.
"I know," he said. "I was afraid that if I heard your voice I wouldn't have been able to leave."
She didn't need to be the only one spilling confessions across the linoleum.
She'd gotten a call from her chief, spun around in circles lost, looking for the exit, and Elliot put his head in his hands and wondered just how much more he could take.
And asking you for anything don't early seem right
But the winds of change are blowing, so I'm begging you tonight
He couldn't bring himself to walk away from the room.
Everything was fine. One minute she had been talking about some parent meeting or something at Eli's school that she had to deal with when they got home and the next she cried out in pain and all the machines started blaring. They whisked her away and some big orderly pushed him back into his chair and told him they'd update him soon.
He refused to believe the doctor when he came in and told him. Elliot yelled, screamed, and insisted it was a mistake. He was agitated, felt his own blood pressure rising, and felt dizzy.
"Sir, I really think you need to call someone to be with you," the doctor said.
"Who am I going to call?" he asked, incredulously. "My wife is dead."
"Your children," the doctor said. "Or that woman, your friend that's been coming by. The detective. Call her. I'm sure she'll come."
"I can't make her do that," he said.
"I think she cares about you and your wife very much," the doctor said. "Please call her, if for no other reason than to sit with you."
So Elliot pulled his phone from his pocket and dialed her number. Unlike his own, hers hadn't changed in the last 10 years.
"Hey, how's it going?" she asked when she answered.
He couldn't get out the words, all that came out was a choked sob.
"Elliot?" she asked, the concern evident in her voice.
"Please come to the hospital," he said. "Please."
"I'll be there as soon as I can," she said. "Do you want to stay on the phone with me while I drive?"
"No," he said. "Please just come."
Then he hung up.
He could sense her before he saw her, just by the footfalls in the hallway, and he looked up when she called his name. He was standing outside Kathy's now empty room in what could only be described as a state of shock. But when Olivia finally approached him, it was like he knew he could finally break.
"I'm sorry," she whispered as he clung to her, burying his face in her neck. "I'm so sorry."
"Her spleen ruptured," he said, saying out loud for the first time. "They took her into surgery, but it was too late. I didn't get to say goodbye."
She whispered her comforts as he tried to come to grips with the situation.
"I just don't get it," he said. "We were happy."
She asked about the kids and he realized Eli was still in Rome. That he truly would never get to say goodbye with his mother. When she kissed him as he tried to duck away and slip into his friend's house when they dropped him off to leave for New York, that was the last time he'd see her.
Olivia offered to call Dickie and Kathleen, call the airline for Eli, but he wouldn't let her do that. Not after she'd already done more than she should have after ten years of radio silence. He did ask her to make sure the person responsible went down for murder.
He saw her lingering outside the chapel as he clung to two of his middle children. He'd never felt this broken or lost, but she was still lingering there on the fringes making sure everything was okay, just like she did as she continuously called him after Jenna. He didn't deserve her.
That night he went back to the hotel and broke down at Kathy's luggage still strewn around the room, her beauty products in the bathroom left on the sink to be cleaned up later after they got back from the awards ceremony which was days ago. He hadn't been back here since, and now the complete solitude was deafening. He collapsed against the wall in the hallway and was having a hard time catching his breath when his phone rang in his pocket.
The caller ID said "Liv."
Give me love when I ain't got nobody
A little hope when I ain't got none at all
"Hello," he croaked into the receiver.
"Just checking to make sure you made it back to the hotel," she said.
"I did," he said. "Eli's already on a plane to New York."
"Do you need someone to pick him up at the airport?" she asked.
"Dickie's going to do it," he said.
"Okay," she responded.
They sat in silence for a few minutes.
"Liv," he finally said.
He didn't know what to follow it with. He didn't even know if he could follow it.
"I know, Elliot," she said. "I'm here. We don't have to talk. We can stay on the phone as long as you want, but we don't have to say anything. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."
"I need…" he trailed off again. He couldn't finish a sentence. He knew he was crying again, gasping for breath.
"I need you to take a few deep breaths," she said. "In through your nose, out through your mouth."
Then she demonstrated through the phone and he followed until he was no longer gasping for air.
"It helps to focus on things in small parts," she said. "Small things that you can control. So you've talked to all the kids, right?"
"Yes," he answered.
"And Eli should be on a plane by now, and Dickie is going to pick him up," she said.
"Yes," he answered.
"Kathleen and Maureen are handling the arrangements, and you said you two bought a funeral plot years ago, when you joined the force, so that's handled," she said. "So you just need to focus on the day to day motions and being there for your kids."
"Liv I don't know if I can," he said. "Kathy was always the one…"
"You can," Olivia said. "You can because you love them. You always told me as a parent it's instinctual. You will be able to do it when you have to. But until then, while you are by yourself like right now, I am here for you. Fin is here for you. You're not alone."
"Thank you," he whispered into the phone.
"You already in your sweats?" she asked.
"Yeah," he answered.
"Go ahead and crawl into bed or onto the couch," she said. "Get a pillow, get a blanket, put the phone next to you, but plug it in. I'm going to put on some music, stay up with you for a while. You can hang up when you get up in the morning, okay."
He nodded then realized she couldn't see him.
"Sure," he said.
True to her word, he heard a distinctly Liv playlist start in the back with a little Fleetwood Mac, and it made him smile and think about the old days where they'd take turns dozing on a stakeout and she'd picked the music. How he'd lean his head back and let Stevie Nicks with undertones of Olivia sing him into a power nap.
It still worked all these years later.
Give me light up ahead up on the journey
Give me strength when I'm standing, and faith when I fall
She hadn't told him she was coming to the funeral but it brought him some comfort to see her approach the graveside service. Maureen had called all the important family members: his mother, Kathy's sisters, his brothers and sisters, and of course Olivia.
His mother hadn't given a real answer ("Well, I'll have to see how the winds are blowing that day, dear") and that wasn't something he could deal with right now. Kathy's own parents had been gone for a few years now, but all her sisters declined, citing the COVID. Many of his siblings simply didn't take Maureen's calls or declined for the same reasons. The church had even tried to deny them a funeral, but Elliot was able to get ahold of the priest that married them and he'd agreed to a socially distanced outdoor service. He couldn't believe this was happening at all, let alone in the middle of the global pandemic that seemed like it was never going to end.
His own relatives and Kathy's couldn't be bothered to travel for her funeral, but somehow Olivia found the time in her day, a Captain now and a mother, to attend. Elliot didn't want to dwell on it too much, but it did speak volumes. He remembered something from a case long ago, the one they were working on when Eli was born. Someone had said blood doesn't make a family, and while he had believed that, and knew he'd have loved Eli, biological child or not, the sentiment somehow only truly hit home the day of Kathy's funeral when Liv showed up.
She'd hugged each one of his older children, whispering her condolences. She knew exactly what to say to each one of them to bring a smile or laugh through their tears. She didn't push Eli, who likely didn't remember her, and instead settled for patting his arm in comfort, something Elliott could tell his youngest appreciated.
He'd grabbed her elbow, thanked her for coming. He knew Kathleen had invited her to dinner at his hotel where they'd planned a takeout Italian meal, but he didn't know if she was going to come. He ended up missing it entirely. Dickie and Lizzie had long since gone home. Maureen and Carl had to go relieve the babysitter. He'd expected Kathleen to be the one staying on the couch when he finally walked in after dark. He was shocked to instead find Olivia dozing on his pillow with the TV on mute. The bedroom door was shut and he assumed Eli had retired for the night.
"Liv," he whispered, trying to approach her quietly. "Hey, Liv."
He reached out and touched her shoulder and she sat up with a gasp.
"I didn't want to startle you," he said.
"Mission not accomplished," she said, trying to regulate her breathing.
"What are you still doing here?" he asked.
"Making sure you actually came home," she said. "Making sure someone was here if Eli needed something."
"Kathleen could have done that," Elliot said.
"Kathleen needed to go home to her own bed, and a bubble bath, and her own wine," Olivia said. "It's been a long day for all of you."
"But you didn't have to do this," Elliot said, sitting next to her on the couch.
"I just wanted to make sure he was okay," Olivia said, gesturing towards the bedroom door. "He started to get upset when his siblings were leaving. I think he kind of realized they were all going back to their homes where things were normal and he would be staying here in this hotel room without his mom."
Elliot felt sick. He didn't really know yet if they'd be going back to Rome or if OC would let him stay in New York now, and he hadn't been completely forthcoming with Eli about it since there had been so much to do.
"I should go talk to him," Elliot said, trying to stand, but she put her hand on his forearm to stop him.
"It's okay, he's asleep now," Olivia said. "Kathleen talked to him. I watched some Nick at Nite with him for a little bit, told him some stories about your glory days in SVU until he started falling asleep sitting up. He particularly liked any that involved you getting sucker punched by a perp."
"I'm sorry I was gone so long," he said. "Work."
"You don't have to explain that life to me," Olivia said. "I live it daily."
"But shouldn't you be home with your own son?" Elliot asked.
"Noah's nanny is 29 and way cooler than me," she said. "He thinks I don't know, but Lucy usually lets him stay up an extra hour when she stays over or lets him play half an hour of video games before bed. Trust me, he's not missing me at all."
Elliot couldn't help but laugh.
"I wanted to make sure you were okay, too," she said. "Big day."
"I'm fine," he said, leaning back against the cushion, unbuttoning his vest and taking off his tie.
"Elliot, it's okay not to be fine," she said. "Nobody expects you to be fine."
"Eli needs me to be," Elliot said. "His entire world is changing. He's only 14."
"He doesn't need you to be fine," she said. "He needs you to be honest. Don't bottle it up, Elliot. You can show him the grieving is okay. That having questions and being confused is okay."
"I'm fine, Liv, really," he said. "Just tired."
"Well, then I'll stop occupying your makeshift bed and get home," she said, standing from the couch. "But if you need anything in the middle of the night. Even just to know someone's on the other end of the phone, you call, okay?"
"Okay," he said.
He watched her walk to the door and slide on her shoes and coat. But he couldn't just let her leave without saying anything else. He made his way to her quickly and wrapped one arm around her shoulders and one around her middle but didn't turn her around, they were both still facing the door, locked in some sort of backwards embrace.
"Thank you for coming today," he said, mumbling into her hair.
"I wouldn't have missed it. It was Kathy," she said, definitively, as if that explained it all.
Maybe it did.
I know the rain is coming and it's sure gonna pour
I know there ain't no running from this kinda storm
That intervention could not have gone worse. It seemed like it was Kathleen's idea, and he loved her for it. She'd gone into social work, spent a lot of her time working closely with lawyers and psychologists. It probably sounded like a logical explanation to her, but the entire thing had gone up in flames.
That was weeks ago. Weeks since Eli told him they didn't think he was an addict. Weeks since he inadvertently told Liv he loved her. Weeks since he kissed Angela Wheatley.
He was disgusted with himself now after Isak Bekher revealed the truth: that Angela wasn't only privy to the hit on Kathy, but she was involved.
That realization sent him into a further downward spiral. He'd run to Angela because he couldn't face his feelings for Olivia so close after Kathy's death, but he ended up making the situation far worse. He'd known what that letter he handed Olivia said, and he knew that Kathy had written it. He could almost hear her yelling at him now: "God, I was always worried about what you'd do with Olivia if you got the chance, but I'd gladly take seeing you with her instead of shoving your tongue down the throat of the woman who killed me. At least she's on the right side of the law and loves our children."
Nothing was doing it today. Not working out. Not distractions. He was in full panic mode, slumped against the side of the 1PP building. And he didn't expect to have an audience.
"Elliot, what the hell are you doing?" she said.
He could hear her voice and her footsteps quickening but couldn't focus on them completely. What he hadn't realized was that in his panic, he'd slumped down the wall, and was pointing his gun at his chest.
"Elliot, can you hear me?" she asked, approaching, kneeling on the ground.
He could barely focus on her face.
"Elliot, I need you to give me your gun right now," she said. "Please."
He didn't really know what she was talking about until he felt her hand gently touch his and push it down, away from his chest. She loosened his grip on the weapon and slipped it into her own holster before putting her hands on his face.
"I need you to look at me and I need you to follow what I do," she said.
She lifted his palms to her chest.
"Deep breath in through the nose," she said. "Hold it. Out through the mouth."
She repeated the steps for him a few times until his own breathing regulated and he felt the fog start to clear.
"Are you back with me?" she asked when he started to feel more lucid.
"I am," he said. "Where'd you come from?"
"Meeting," she said. "With CSU. Just happened to walk by and saw you out here. What are you doing here?"
"I don't actually remember," he said.
He knew it must have been something about the Wheatleys but he honestly couldn't remember the specifics at all.
"Elliot, you can't keep doing this," she said. "You had your gun pointed at your chest. I can't do that again. You can't take your own life. You just came back. Please."
He didn't have the mental capacity at the time to put together what she was saying or asking of him, but he did recognize the fear in her eyes and voice.
"Please get help," she said. "I don't care if you do it for yourself or for Eli or for me or your new squad. I truly don't care, but you need to get help."
"How did you know about it?" he asked. "The PTSD."
"I've dealt with it," she said.
"Sealview?" he asked.
"Among other things," she said.
"I'll do it," he said. "I'll get an appointment."
"Yeah, I'm not letting you out of my sight until you do," she said, hoisting him to his feet.
She dragged him to her SUV and thrust her phone into his hand. It was already ringing.
"Hi," he said to the young woman on the other end of the phone. "I'd like to set up a counseling appointment. Elliot Stabler. PTSD."
It's gonna get harder and harder to keep on pushing through
I'm gonna wanna quit, so I'll be counting on you
"I agree with Bernie," Olivia said as he followed her out onto the terrace to lead her back to her car. "I want you to come home."
"I intend to," he said.
"I mean," she said, turning around as he caught the end of her eye roll and she placed a hand to his cheek. "Before Eddie Wagner takes over and Elliot Stabler is nowhere to be found."
She didn't need to say any more. Her stare spoke volumes.
He thought he was over the PTSD. He thought going undercover was the right idea. It had been fun not to be himself for a while. As Eddie, he'd never been married, never had kids. He didn't have heartbreak and nobody relied on him. It was dirty jobs and good money. It was pretty little party girls and sexy redheaded women. Sex and laws and morals didn't matter, unlike the world he was so desperately trying to leave behind.
But his mother was trying to get back on track. And Eli was stealing her pills. And Kathleen was at her wits end. And Olivia was giving them all more chances than they deserved. He couldn't just quit on them, on her. Not again. It was time to stop running. It was time to close the deal and do as she said: come home.
He'd texted her when the job was over, but didn't actually see her until the day of Kathy's birthday celebration.
"You shaved," she said. "It's good to see your face."
But, he was sure, not nearly as good as it had been to see her face the night of the explosion and every time since, especially in times when he needed her the most.
Eli had run off to study, Kathleen and Dickie were taking their own cars to the restaurant, but he offered to drive her. They'd had a good meal, the four of them, telling stories about Kathy. Olivia had told one he'd never heard about the night he'd gone undercover with Bushido and got shot, how she'd gone to the house and had to talk Kathy out of leaving with Eli. The kids found it amusing, considering his latest bout of undercover ridiculousness. He also liked how she conveniently left out what happened between them at the safe house before he got shot.
When they got in the car to drive back to pick up hers at the cemetery, he couldn't help but break the silence in the car.
"Thank you," he said. "I know I've been saying that a lot and it's probably lost its meaning. But I appreciate everything you've done for us these last nine months."
"I haven't done much," she said. "I honestly had doubts about coming today. You guys should have been together as a family."
"You are family," he said. "You made me realize I had a family worth coming back to."
"You knew it all along," she said. "You just needed a reminder."
"Eddie would have eaten me alive, Liv," he said. "I could feel it happening. You were the wakeup call I needed."
"You didn't need me," she said, looking out the window.
"Hey," he said, stopping his truck behind her SUV on the small cemetery road. "I always need you. Even if you think I don't. Always, Liv."
"Yeah, yeah. Save your smooth talk for the Albanian mob wives," she said, opening her door and sliding out of the car. "And text me when you get home. I'll let you know if I hear anything from Carisi."
It stung a bit that she didn't seem to believe him. But then again, had he given her a reason to believe him in the last 10 years? No, not really. She still cared enough to make sure he made it home safe, so that was promising. The 2021 version of "blink your lights."
How the times had changed.
Give me love when I ain't got nobody
A little hope when I ain't got none at all
"Liv, he's in Jersey," he'd said into the phone the night of Whetaley's mistrial.
"Did he call?" she asked, sounding like she was pulled from sleep.
"Yeah, from some payphone," Elliot said. "He gave me the address."
"Good, are you on your way now?" she asked.
"Leaving now," he said. "Will you come with me?"
"El, I don't know if he'd want that," she said. "If he's hurt or scared. He might want it to be just you."
"Olivia, I love the kid with all my heart, but I need you there," he said. "Because if something goes wrong and I have to fix it myself… I just don't know if I can do it."
He heard a deep sign on the other end.
"I'll be waiting outside when you get here," she said, hanging up.
True to her word, she was dressed and ready, standing outside her building when he pulled up to the curb 15 minutes later, thankful for low traffic at this time of night.
She'd been a saint, knowing exactly what to say and holding his hand in the car. He knew how much she had always cared for Eli. She'd helped bring him into this world and was the first person to hold him. He'd come into her life at a time where she wanted nothing more than a child of her own, but instead of resenting him, she reveled in her time with the little boy. She would stop by the house more often after he was born, sometimes just to simply rock him in his rocking chair. Kathy was harried, being a new mom again in her 40s, and she welcomed any and all help she could get. But Elliot knew though Liv was trying to help them out, she was also trying to bond with the child, possibly resigning herself that she may not be a mother, but she could be an important person in Eli's life. And Elliot had selfishly pulled the two of them apart too when he left her.
She'd brushed herself off as a family friend to the responding officer, and in another setting he would have tried to explain how she was so much more. But she was able to slip quickly from concerned pseudomamma to SVU Captain to ask Eli the tough questions and try to push her way into the Jersey investigation. They were both convinced Eli hadn't killed Mia, but he didn't have much faith in Jersey PD now that they thought they had a suspect. He remembered and reminded her of that Millfield lady who tried to railroad Simon years ago.
"That's not going to happen," she said as they sat in his car after walking out with Eli so he could get transported to Bergen General. "I'm not going to let that happen. But for now, the psych hold is good for him. He ran away, he's been taking Bernie's pills, he climbed over that railing. He needs to talk to someone too. And it might be better that it's mandatory. He might view it as less of a weakness."
"I didn't think you thought getting mental help was a weakness," he said.
"I don't," she said. "But in my experience, Stabler men are very resistant to it."
"Point taken," he said.
"It's going to be okay, El," she said. "He's going to be okay."
"I hope you're right," he said, starting the car.
Give me light up ahead on the journey
Give me strength when I'm standing, and faith when I fall
Thanksgiving was over, but Elliot had a lot to be thankful for. Jet, and her powers of persuasion and technical knowledge. Bell, for caving for him even when she shouldn't. Liv, for everything. She'd gotten the nurse to help them at the hospital. She'd given him the push to go into Eli's room after learning that he was the one causing his son's mental anguish. She came home with them and made grilled cheese and tomato soup for lunch and watched a movie on the couch with Eli until he fell asleep.
When the kid had finally zonked out, Elliot pantomimed going out on the terrace and she followed.
"We have got to work on your signs," she said after he closed the door behind them. "It needs to be more stealth and much less mime."
"You still knew what I meant, so what does that say about you?" he asked.
"That I worked side by side with a clown for 13 years and picked up on the language," she said.
"Ouch," he said, faking a shot to the chest.
"You like to dish it out but can't take it," she said.
"I could say the same to you about praise and compliments, Captain," he said.
"Shut up," she said.
"The defense rests, your honor," he said.
Olivia rolled her eyes.
"You're never going to know much it means to me the way you look out for my kids," Elliot said. "I mean you've had Eli's back since the day he was born."
Olivia was quiet for a few minutes before she spoke.
"I believe someone once said to me 'partners for life,'" she said. "That means having your six. Your kids are an extension of that. Plus, I love them. They were my kids when I didn't have a kid."
"You're an amazing Mom," Elliot said. "And if Noah ever needs anything. I mean literally anything from a new toothbrush to a kidney, you name it. I'm there."
"I'm sorry to report that your kidney wouldn't do Noah any good," she said. "And neither will mine. But you still owe me one, in the event I need it."
"His Dad isn't Type A?" Elliot asked.
"Neither parent was," she said.
"Liv, you're Type A," he said.
"Yeah, but that science doesn't apply to kids who are adopted," she said.
"Noah's adopted?" he asked. "Ed's not his father."
"No," she said. "He's the product of a rape between a prostitute and a pimp. I found him in a dresser drawer when he was an infant during a case. I followed him through the foster care system as he bounced from home to home until the judge finally called me out, asked me if I wanted to take him home."
"Nurture just won the debate here Liv because that kid is 110% you," Elliot said.
"There are times he grates on my nerves where I swear he's 120% you," she said. "Which is amusing since you two have never met."
"I want to meet him," Elliot said. "When you're comfortable with it."
"Someday, El," she said. "One kid at a time. Right now, we focus on Eli."
He liked how she said "we." Like she'd be sticking around too.
When the clouds start parting and the sun starts shining through
This time I won't forget, I won't forget about you
Elliot wasn't quite sure where the last year had gone. It was just about 2 p.m. and this time last year, he and Kathy were having slices of pizza in Central Park, totally unaware of the night that was about to approach them. Totally out of the loop that the cold, greasy pizza would be her last real meal and their last one together.
The kids had all come and gone, yet Elliot just couldn't pull himself away from the headstone.
"I'm sorry, Kath," he said. "If I could take it all back I would. I would have started the car. I would have asked you to stay in Italy while I went alone. Maybe I would have divorced you back in '07 so you could have been out of the crosshairs completely."
The day had been overcast, but slowly the clouds started to part over the cemetery and let a few beams of sun shine through. One landed and reflected off the headstone.
"I'm also sorry that I'm so happy," Elliot said. "It feels wrong to be this happy when you're not here to enjoy anything. But I am. I'm so happy, Kath."
Elliot had enjoyed Italy. It was an adventure and it was beautiful. He'd liked the work and the time he got to spend with Kathy and Eli, a smaller family, more tight-knit than they'd been at the little house in Queens with four rugrats terrorizing them.
But New York was home. Policing the streets of this city was in his blood. He was happy to be back around the kids. To see Kieran and Seamus grow up. To introduce Eli to all the things he'd liked and the places he'd gone as a teenager. But most of all, he was happy to be back with Liv.
He'd invited her to Christmas, and she'd come. He'd met Noah, and the last three months had been history. They had weekly game and dinner nights with the boys. Noah and Liv came to Eli's soccer games and they went to Noah's dance recitals. He and Liv called each other every night before bed if they weren't able to meet up. They were still friends "for now" but things were good. Really good.
So it shouldn't have surprised him to hear footsteps squishing through the grass, approaching the grave. He shouldn't have been shocked to see Olivia place a bouquet of lilies against the granite and then stand back and loop her arm through his.
"Thought I'd find you here," she said. "I wanted to come pay my respects, then maybe take you to lunch. My treat."
"That's a first," he said.
"Well, we're on more even footing now," she said. "We've both got growing boys eating us out of house and home."
"I wish Eli still had her," Elliot said, sadly.
"I do too," Olivia said, sincerely.
Elliot made the sign of the cross and then led Liv back down to their cars.
"But I think it's been a lot easier on him, on all of us, to have you back, too," Olivia said.
"I think I'd go another 10 years without seeing you if your kids could have their Mom back," she said.
"I wish it didn't have to be an either/or situation," he said. "Because we always needed you in our lives. And I was the coward who pushed you away."
"You had to do what you had to do," she said.
"No," Elliot said. "I just wasn't strong enough to do what needed to be done. I couldn't watch as I hurt you. As I left you. So I did it behind your back. Because…"
"If you heard my voice you wouldn't have been able to leave," she finished for him. "I still don't get that. I mean if you were ready to go, I would have supported you."
"Yeah, but I wouldn't have been able to leave you, no matter what you told me to do," he said. "And by dissolving that line of partnership, I didn't trust myself not to cross it."
"You wouldn't have," she said. "You loved Kathy."
"But I didn't trust myself to tempt fate," he said.
And it was true. But now, there were no lines and everything was floating out in "for now" territory, where anything could happen. And this time he was pretty sure that someday it would.
Give me love when I ain't got nobody
A little hope when I ain't got none at all
"I'm going to be sick," Elliot muttered, trying to adjust his bowtie.
"Oh my God, stop," Dickie said, stepping in and swatting his hands away, fixing the tie.
He turned around to see his sixteen-year-old and his soon-to-be ten-year-old wearing tuxes that matched his and their brother's.
"You look great for an old fart, Dad," Eli said. "I guess I kinda get what Liv sees in you, even though she could do way better."
"I think you look handsome Dad," Noah said. "And just wait until you see Mom."
"She looks that good, huh?" Elliot asked.
"You're gonna lose your mind, Dad," Dickie said. "But don't worry. Liv is freaking out too. Lizzie has been texting me all morning."
"You guys are always so in sync," Eli mumbled. "It's freaky."
"Your mother used to say that to us," Elliot said.
"I didn't know," Eli said. "Sorry."
"Don't be sorry," Elliot said. "I've been thinking about her all morning. I don't know how she'd feel about this."
"Dad, if you were going to get remarried, she'd want it to be Liv," Dickie said. "She trusted Liv would have your back and ours for 13 years. I think she'd want Liv to keep doing that, especially now that she's gone."
"You sure you boys are all okay with this?" Elliot asked. "Because we can still call the whole thing off."
"Dad stop stalling," Noah said with a huff. "We have to go out there and watch the girls walk down the aisle."
The boys stepped out from the little room at the side of the altar and took their places in a line with Elliot closest to the center aisle. As he looked around the space filled with their closest friends, many of whom had become family, he still couldn't believe Olivia agreed to a church wedding.
This was the first church they'd attended as a family of eleven (including Maureen's kids and husband) for midnight Mass their second Christmas together. The service and the welcoming priest and congregation had enchanted Olivia so much, she started to learn more about the faith and attend services with him more often. She and Noah were both taking the Rite of Election courses to become full members in the spring.
When he asked her what changed her mind she said simply, "It makes me feel closer to you. Plus, Noah wants to be just like Eli and asked if he could join, but he was nervous to do it alone."
He never thought he'd see the day that brought Olivia Benson to religion, but he was glad it came.
When the march music began, he felt his palms begin to sweat.
Amanda led her girls down the aisle as they sprinkled rose petals everywhere, and his grandsons as they carried the rings in what looked like little jail cell lockboxes. Then each one of his daughters flounced down the aisle and took their rightful places at the altar.
He lost his breath when he saw Olivia and Cragen step from the shadows. She looked radiant in a cream-colored dress, her hair half up and curled, holding hands with the man they both considered a father figure, and one of the most influential people in their lives.
When they got close enough, he noticed her eyes sparkling with unshed tears, but knew exactly what they meant. Just like him, she couldn't believe they were here, nearly 25 years later, two whole squads, six kids and two grandkids in tow, to get married.
Cragen released Liv's arm and slipped their hands together.
"I trusted you to take care of each other all those years ago," he said. "That better have prepared you for this. But Elliot, if you hurt her I will kill you."
"Back then and now, she's the golden child," Elliot said with a laugh.
"I won't swear in church, but you know it," he said. "Who else could handle you?"
"Thanks Cap," Elliot said, squeezing Olivia's hand.
"Don't thank me too much," he said. "Melindia finally won the Benson and Stabler pool and I owe her $50. I expect reimbursement."
Both Elliot and Olivia laughed as he took his seat.
"You ready to do this?" he asked as they turned to the altar. "You can back out now before they officially call you Benson-Stabler."
"I've been waiting a long time for this," she said. "I'm not running and neither are you. And it's only going to be Benson-Stabler at work."
"Really?" he asked.
"Really," she said. "Now wife me up."
"I can't believe you just said that," he said with a small laugh.
"Have to keep the mystery somehow," she said. "We have known each other for a really long time."
"And I can't wait to learn more about you every day," he said.
Give me light up ahead on the journey
Give me strength when I'm standing, and faith when I fall
"While we like to keep things traditional in the Catholic Church," Father Flaherty said, addressing the congregation. "Elliot has asked if he could read his own vows. So he's going to read them before we proceed with the traditional ones."
Olivia looked shocked.
"You said we couldn't do that," she said. "I didn't write any."
"It's more of a letter," he whispered to Liv. "Had to pull some strings to get them to let me read it."
"I thought we agreed, no more letters ever again," she hissed.
"I actually wrote this one," he said. "It's all good. I promise."
"I swear if you make me swear in Church," she muttered.
Father Flaherty handed Elliot the microphone and he took a deep breath before beginning.
"Dear Liv," he began. "I know we said no more letters, but I'm sitting here the night before our marriage and thinking about how I'm the luckiest *censored for church* in the entire world because tomorrow you're going to become my wife."
That got a laugh out of everyone, including her.
"I was thinking about all the things you mean to me, what values embodied our partnership and things we want to teach, to model and set an example for all the kids, especially our two youngest and the grandsons, and a few specific words came to mind," he said. "So, while I know you've never needed a grand gesture or any kind of PDA for me to show you how I feel, I thought I would share the five values you embody for me and why they're so important."
He took a deep breath before he continued.
"The first is love," Elliot said. "I have loved you in many different ways over the last quarter century. You were my partner, my best friend, and then the love of my life. But your love in return, it never just extended to me. You loved every one of my children from the day you met them. You loved your squad, and still do, unconditionally. You loved Noah from the first second you saw him. You even loved Kathy enough to save her and Eli in that ambulance years ago and help out in any way you ever could. You exude love, Liv. And I'm not worthy of it, maybe none of us are, but I'm so thankful that you choose to keep loving me every day, even on the days where I feel most alone."
He heard an audible "awww" from the pews that sounded like Carisi. Figures he would be the first to get choked up.
"The second is hope," Elliot said. "There have been plenty of times in my life where I felt hopeless. Cases, personal issues, all the hard things in life. But you've always been there to make me believe things could get better. Even when we spent the time apart, knowing you were out there in New York, still doing the amazing things you do, saving the world. It gave me hope. Hope for humanity and hope that we'd someday find our way back together. I never dreamed then that we'd be here right now, but you keep giving me hope that the best is always yet to come, even when the present is better than I ever imagined."
He heard Amanda choke a sob. He had them dropping like flies, but Olivia stayed staring at him, smiling but stoic.
"The third is light," Elliot said. "I know that doesn't sound much like a virtue or value, but you bring light into my life, Olivia. Moments that have been dark, places that have felt bleak, you shined through the cracks. With the right words, little gestures, or just being there for me when I felt alone, you always found a way to show me out of the darkness. If you'll let me, I hope to do the same for you for many years to come."
Munch and Fin coughed at the same time. Probably because they knew he was right. She was always the shining light of SVU.
"The fourth is strength," he said. "I have never met a stronger person in my life than you, Olivia Benson. You have been dealt your fair share of adversity, including a hot-headed pain for a partner for 13 years. And you meet each new challenge with grace. You support not just yourself, but every victim you encounter. You've shouldered the burdens of this family more times than I can count and it's never left you jaded. I am the luckiest man in the world to have such a strong woman beside me, reminding me that marriage is just as much of a partnership as detective work, and I wouldn't want it any other way.
That sent his girls to tears, and he thought he may have even heard Dickie sniffle.
"And last is faith," Elliot said. "You know I have always been a man of faith, and I know you're still new to it. But even before you started to believe in God, you believed in me. Even when I didn't deserve it. You trusted me to watch your back, to do the right thing by victims. You believed that when I screwed up I would find a way to make it right. You believed in me, no additional expectations or qualifiers. Even at my lowest, even when I fell the farthest, even when I did the unthinkable and forced us to spend too much time apart, you never lost that faith in me. And it has made me a better man. And I hope to draw on that and put the same faith in you, forever and always, as your partner for life and your partner in life."
The partners line got her, and she cracked, a few happy tears spilling from her cheeks.
He turned to hand the microphone back to Father Flaherty and slipped the paper back in his pocket.
She grabbed his hand quickly before they could move to the next part of the ceremony.
"I love you," she whispered, locking their fingers.
"I love you, too," he whispered back.
He knew it wasn't protocol, but he leaned forward and kissed her, earning hoots and hollers from the crowd.
"Hey, that was supposed to be my line," Father Flaherty said when Elliot pulled back.
"Sorry, Father," he said. "I just couldn't wait."
"You two have been waiting around for 25 years," he said. "So we'll give you a little latitude. But can we continue? Finish making this official?"
"Bring it on," Elliot said, squeezing her hand once more.
Give me strength when I'm standing, and faith when I fall, yeah