For those of you who have ever been to the Hidden Leaf Village, you know how true this is. They actually have a Ramen Noodle Cook-off about the time of when the Chuunin Exams comearound. It takes up a major portion ofthe Hidden Leaf Village. The story is from an inexperienced Ramen Noodle taster named Naruto, who was visiting the Cook-off for the first time.
Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Ramen Noodle Cook-off. The 3rd Judge called in sick at the last moment and I, Naruto, happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the sake stand, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Hidden Leaf Villagers) that the ramen wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free sake during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here is the judge's constructive criticism from the event: Ramen Noodle # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Ramen Noodle.
Judge # 1 (Hinata) says, "A little too heavy on the veggies, amusing kick."
Judge # 2 (Kakashi) says, "Nice, smooth Chicken flavor, Very mild."
Judge # 3 (Naruto) says, "Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff! You could remove dried paint from your driveway using this. It took me two bowls of sake to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Ramen Noodle cookers are crazy! What happened to the good old fashioned oriental flavored Ramen?
Here are the results of the second Ramen Noodle # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Ramen Noodle.
Judge # 1 says, "Smoky, with a hint of pork and some jalapeno tang."
Judge # 2 says, "Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be taken seriously."
Judge # 3, "Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain! I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more sake when they saw the look on my face.
Ramen Noodle # 3 Fred's Famous Burn down the Barn Ramen
Judge # 1 says, "Excellent firehouse ramen, Great kick. Needs more noodles though."
Judge # 2 says, "A noodle less ramen? It's a bit to salty and doesn't have a good use of peppers."
Judge # 3 says, "Call the P.E.A. I've located a uranium spill! My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now: get me more sake before I ignite! Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the sake.
Ramen Noodle # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 says, "Black veggie ramen with almost no spice. This ramen was very disappointing."
Judge # 2 says, "Hint of lime in this cup of ramen. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a ramen noodle though.
Judge # 3 says, "I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. witch is starting to look hot... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is ramen an aphrodisiac?
Ramen Noodle # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 says, "Meaty, strong ramen with cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. This Ramen was very impressive."
Judge # 2 says, "Ramen using shredded beef is an original idea, could use more veggies. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 says, "My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her ramen had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring sake directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Ramen Noodle # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 says, "Thin yet bold vegetarian variety Ramen, good balance of spices, and lots of zesty peppers."
Judge # 2 says, "The best yet; aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic."
Judge #3 says, "I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that awful Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. I can no longer feel my lips anymore and I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Ramen Noodle # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Ramen
Judge # 1 says, "A mediocre ramen with too much reliance on canned
peppers and veggies."
Judge # 2 says, "Ha-ha, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of ramen peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3… He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably."
Judge # 3 says, "You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with Ramen, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach!"
Ramen Noodle # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Ramen
Judge # 1 says, "The perfect ending, this is a nice blend ramen not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence."
Judge # 2 says, "This final entry is a good, balanced ramen neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the ramen pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot ramen?