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Chapter 13: Insomnatic Lullabies
AN: No update last week due to emotional things, really sorry. There probably won't be one next week either. The second last scene was originally a little experiment, but I ended up liking it so it stayed.
No review responses, my parents are kicking me off.
Warning (please read): Obviously, there will be drug usage in this story, but as long as the rating is still T, you can figure the extent of the content.
Disclaimer: Fanfiction is just me fucking with the characters to satisfy urges of my sick mind. Cause doing that in real life is probably illegal.
Children have an innocence about them. Wide-eyed and eager, they venture into the world without fear. When they fall down, they get back up. Everything is interesting, and little things are important. But you lose this innocence, sooner or later. You stop wanting to try everything, and stop getting back up when you fall down. You have hateful opinions, things become right and wrong based on your small concept of them.
Your innocence can so easily be manipulated, or tainted. If the environment a child is placed into is harsh against them, teaching them hate and fear, then their purity quickly dies, and the child's soul can become bitter.
Saving is never beyond them, though. They just have to want it.
o
Pretty soon, the streets would be darkened, and filled with children going from door to door for candy. But at that point, it was simply Neji and Gaara, walking next to one another down the sidewalk. The redhead looked to his friend a few times, contemplating reaching over and holding his hand or something, for comfort purpouses (or so he told himself). Neji caught his eye and Gaara blushed a little, lips parting for speech.
"Don't worry," Neji told him, and Gaara looked down.
"I have every right to worry."
The long-haired boy sighed, pulling his coat tighter around him. Truth is, he knew Gaara was right. He should worry. What he had told Gaara was not quite the complete truth, but he didn't want to draw the other boy too far in, into the inky pool where he was slowly drowning. The surface kept getting farther and farther away, and the sharp flashes of pain in his lungs grew stronger and more desperate. Though he knew how to ignore it, he could only go for so long without giving in. And he didn't want Gaara to sink with him.
Gaara had given him a chance of sorts, an option. Sometimes, you can feel addicted to your own misery, want to coat yourself with it, and feel the pain eat away at your heart. You can get in too deep, and trying to get out is hard. But the chance looked worth it, and he did want it. Strangely, it seemed important, one of those small, beautiful things that you find and put in your pockets, wanting to scream and show the world but you know they won't listen.
"This one, right?" Neji asked, motioning to the house coming up. Gaara nodded, anxiety building inside him. It was the first time he had ever had a friend home. It was the first time, really, anyone had wanted to be that good of friends with him. He swallowed to wet his throat, dry from nervousness.
"It looks different in the daytime," Neji commented, as the headed up to the door. Gaara quickly stepped ahead, opening the door for Neji. Heat billowed out at them, clashing with the cool air outside, and Gaara took a quick look at the melting sky before following Neji inside.
o
"How did I look, Hinata?" Hanabi spun twice, holding out her arms. She wore a black cape, her face powdered white except for blood-red lips; unmistakeably a vampire.
Her older sister smiled gently. "Very pretty."
"It's too bad Tou-san isn't here to see," the younger girl complained. "When you manage the company, you won't be away that much, right?"
"I…I don't know," Hinata murmured, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear. Again, she wore her angel costume, Hanabi's treat bag in hand. Though she herself wasn't going to be getting candy, she felt obliged to watch over Hanabi, to prove her responsibility and worth.
Suddenly the phone rang, and Hinata picked it up calmly from the endtable next to her.
"H-hello?"
"Hinata-san. This is Neji," came the gruff voice at the other end. "I'm at Gaara's, so I'm not coming home tonight."
"Oh. That's n-nice." Her voice was more unsure than usual; disheartened.
Neji sighed. "You're still upset about him, aren't you?"
"W-who?"
A pause.
"Naruto…and Sasuke."
Hinata stiffened, and though Neji wasn't there to see it, he could predict her nervous movements, fingers always twitching and playing with eachother.
"Only a little," she said politely, "But…thank you. I'll s-see you tommorow then."
"Bye."
"Oh, N-Neji-san?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry."
Empty and lifeless dial tone.
o
Childish laughter could be heard outside, as Kankurou settled on the couch beside Gaara and Neji. After dinner they had gone to the living room, a bowl full of candy placed on the porch for any trick-or-treaters that came by.
"You like horror movies?" the eldest boy asked Neji, who shrugged. Kankurou then looked to Gaara. "Don't blame me if you get scared, pipsqueak!"
Gaara maintained an expressionless face, while Neji leaned forwards to rest his chin in his hands, watching the two brothers. It was interesting: the interaction, and the hidden emotion there. Family should be attached, and though bonds can be broken, they never really detach…
"Alright," Temari said, coming into the room with a few DVD's and a bag of snacks in hand. "We can start."
"What did you get?" Neji asked, eyes catching sight of the healing wound on her hand. He looked away, then unconciously leaned a little towards Gaara.
"Ju On, some gorey horror flick my friend reccomended, and The Exorcist," she answered, popping a disc into the player.
Gaara settled back onto the couch cushion, taking a sip from his soda. The night had been unfolding well, actually. Neji hadn't found his siblings exceedingly weird, nor did he seem to be bored at all. Though the two had spent a lot of time together, during school, or talking by the playground, this was a new step, untouched ground. And though he was anxious, shaky, Gaara was most definitely enjoying it, pushing that warmth just a little further. It had him curiously entranced, as he came closer to grasping it.
(we keep spinning, gaining speed, a little faster... )
o
2:03 read the day-glo numbers, a harsh and unnatural light against the darkness. Gaara pulled a baggy T-shirt over his head before falling back on his bed. His limbs were heavy, and so were his sticky eyelids, begging to close. A knock came on the door and he startled.
"Oh. Come in." he murmured, sitting up. Neji entered, adorned in sleep-pants of Kankurou's Gaara had given him to wear, and a T-shirt of Gaara's. The white-eyed boy leaned on the door, hearing it click shut. Out in the living room, Kankurou snored where he was sprawled over the couch, Temari also asleep where she had curled up in her chair. A blaring silence overtook the house, made all the more creepy by the string of frightening images places in their heads by the films. Monsters, ghosts, vampires… those things don't exist. It's that which lurks inside of people that you should be afraid of.
Gaara glanced to his older brother's bed, covered in clothing and other things. "Guess you can't sleep there then. You have my bed, I'll sleep on the floor."
"It's alright," Neji replied, "I won't take up much space. We can share."
"Really, I don't mind-"
"No," he insisted, "You are not going to sleep on the floor."
Not wanting to argue such a trivial issue further, Gaara quieted, withdrawing in the physical so his knees were pressed to his chest, back against the wall. Thoughts pounded him hard inside, voices that came from the dead, echoing, echoing. Each words was another step in a downward spiral that just kept going and going, not wanting to stop. His heart shuddered and screamed angrily at him, pushing him down, pushing ice-water into his lungs. Drowning, drowning. Something always goes wrong.
"I'm sorry," he said faintly, bowing his head so it was hard to see his face. "I'm making it worse, aren't I?"
"I don't… Make what worse?"
"Everything you're going through. I'm just bringing you down further…"
Neji's face nearly collapsed, his eyes staring painfully at Gaara.
"No…" he choked out, taking hastened steps over to the bed. The matress sank down with his weight as he placed his hands against the tangled white sheets, pulling himself over to Gaara. The jagged shadows on his face only deepened the concern visible, as he leaned in closer to Gaara, who kept his eyes down, breath thin and controlled.
"Gaara, look at me…" Neji murmured, and Gaara glanced upwards just a bit, guiltily.
"Are you going to listen to me?" Neji asked him.
"Yes."
Neji gave a nod, bringing his knees under himself so he could sit more comfortabley. "Please don't think that. This whole thing started before I even knew you. You shouldn't recieve any blame. It's my fault, alright?"
"But…" Gaara protested, "I'm contributing now."
"No you aren't!" Neji hissed, controlling his volume for fear of waking up Gaara's siblings. "Why do you even say that?"
"Today…" the redhead whispered, "And now. You're upset. I caused that. I always…"
"Stop it!" Neji placed a hand on Gaara's shoulder, causing the smaller boy to look up, a little frightened. Neji removed his hand slowly, bringing it to Gaara's knees, where he rested both his arms, on on top of the other, and his head on top of them. He looked away first, trying to calm the quivering of his body, and eventually back to Gaara, whose mouth was open, but no words could find the courage to come out.
"I'm sorry," Neji said. "It was wrong of me… I almost hurt you. But you have to stop blaming what's happened on yourself. There are things in this world you can't control; that I can't control. No one can! I know I've done some things that weren't exactly the right thing to do. And if anything Gaara, you're making it better! I haven't ever to someone's house in a long, long while, and I'm having an awesome time. Because I'm with you. You even offered to help me. Why the Hell would that make things worse?"
Gaara stayed silent a while, and Neji closed his eyes to wait, being awake for so long beginning to take it's toll.
"People around me," the redhead spoke up, "Tend to get hurt."
"I'm sure it's not you. People get hurt, it's unavoidable." Neji told him.
"Then whose fault is it?"
"It's not anyone's fault. You need to stop placing blame."
Gaara mind wandered to yesterday - well, it was technically the day before yesterday - and Kankurou's words, from when they were walking to the dance.
"It's not your fault, you know," Kankurou told him. "It was Dad's. Dad killed her; he forced her to have you, and that's why she died. He just blamed it on you because he couldn't take it. The bastard."
"Hn."
"You still blame yourself…"
It was a bad habit Gaara had yet to rid himself of. One his father had pounded into him. And even after the man's death, the rule seemed to apply. It got worse as he got older. There were more reasons to hate him, and as he got older, he sometimes made the mistake of talking back.
"So, are we okay?" Neji asked. "You don't blame yourself?"
Gaara's world came back into focus. "I guess. I still do, a little…" His father's angry eyes glared at him from memories, but he tried pushing them away, pushing them out. "Yes."
"That's good," Neji said, then yawned, shifting his weight a little so he was more comfortable. His arms still rested on the top of Gaara's knees, near to the redhead's chest. His eyes drooped shut a little, but he stayed there, feeling Gaara's warmth meet his, real and there. Reassuring.
"Everyone makes mistakes," he continued in his sleepy voice, mind numbed by exhaustion. This caused him to sound a little unlike himself, as if the barriers in his mind had been taken down. "Everyone has their flaws. But in no way do someone's flaws mean they should be blamed. Sometimes, people do need to take blame but…not in this circumstance. Besides, it's a person's flaws…that makes them so interesting, and who they are. Or just the little things they do, not 'flaws' really, that was the wrong word to use. Like how you always… When you're unsure of something, you get this little look on your face, and move your head up."
"Do I?" Gaara asked, not quite believing him.
"Yep." Neji blinked a few times trying to get his eyes to stay open better. "But don't stop doing it now that I've told you. It's…you. I like it."
"Um, thank you?"
Neji laughed, glad the topic had changed and the mood was getting lighter. Gaara didn't even seem to mind just how close they were. Was that considered cuddling? He wasn't sure, and it didn't really matter what he called it, because what it was would be initially the same.
He felt the redhead prod him with something, which he discovered to be a pillow as he opened his eyes fully.
"Here," Gaara said. "I don't make a very good pillow."
"I think you do," Neji murmured, and Gaara blushed slightly. Neji took the pillow, though, and both settled on the bed side by side, near to eachother. Seeing Neji shiver, Gaara drew a blanket over them, hoping boundaries weren't being overstepped. It was like a game, both daring to get a little closer, to expose themselves a little more, and hoping it wouldn't collapse.
"Good night, Gaara…" Neji said somniferously, his milky eyes closing, whispering "Thank you…" before totally losing himself to sleep. Dark strands fell over his cheek, his face so calm. Gaara watched him a while, never having been one to fall asleep easily. Inside of him, it felt like something had lodged itself within his organs and was twisting and turning. It was guilt that he knew he deserved for not noticing what Neji was doing sooner. What was wrong with him that made him so blind? True, he knew Neji hid parts of himself from the world, but he he didn't think it was anything like this…
Trembling, he lifted his hand towards Neji, but quickly drew it back. There was a ringing of fear in his ears that wouldn't go away. What if he hurt Neji further?
He closed his eyes and buried his face in the pillow, hoping he could stay there forever, and that Neji could go somewhere far away, where nothing could hurt him. It was unbelievabley overwhelming, like having the wieght of the world on his shoulders, for him to see Neji be so self-destructive. He tried to memorize every little detail of Neji's being, so close and untainted.
And dream held them until morning, safe and sound.
o
Steam rose from the chesnut coloured liquid, tickling Neji's cheeks. He leaned against the counter, gently blowing on the surface to cool his coffee, inhaling the scent to jolt his brain into action. A troubled look played on his face. He kept trying to convince himslf against it, but it wasn't quite working. The drug…
"Damn you're up early!"
Neji's eyes looked to the doorway, where Kankurou stood, toweling off his hair. And of course, in that exclamation 'ealy' meant about 11:00.
The younger raised an eyebrow. "So are you, and you were awake before I was. I was under the impression you slept until the afternoon."
"Usually. Did Gaara tell you that?"
"He might've mentioned it. Besides, you seem that type."
"Well aren't you a smart-ass," Kankurou chuckled, grabbing the coffee-pot and pouring himself a cup. He took a lage mouthful, but winced at the temperature, his taste buds feeling like they were melting. Neji stifled a laugh, faking a yawn instead.
"So, why aren't you still asleep?" Neji asked.
"Basketball. Grudge match. Not school league, that's no fun." Kankurou decided to follow Neji's example, and blew on his coffee a little, watching it ripple up against the sides of his mug. "You do sports?"
"I used to. Not so much anymore."
"Didn't think so. You don't seem that type."
There was a small pause, before both burst into laughter, any mock-animosity between them dispersed, enveloped in the steam. Kankurou stopped abruptly though.
"You're wearing my pants."
"Oh, Gaara lent them to me," Neji said, pulling a bit at his garments. "Do you mind?"
"Not really." Kankurou shrugged. He set his coffee on the counter, then turned to Neji. "Look, I'll stop svoiding this and get to the point. Are you just fucking with my brother?"
"What do you mean?"
"Are you using him? Maybe you're just here as a joke, or to…do stuff to him. That sorta thing." Kankurou narrowed his eyes, watching Neji closely.
"Not at all!" Neji blurted out. "I'm here because Gaara is my friend, and a good one at that. I would never do anything at all with intention of hurting him or-"
"Whoa, whoa, slow down! I believe you!" Kankurou gave Neji a little pat on the back, laughing. "I was just makin' sure, cause not everyone's as good a person as you. And if you were lying, I'd have to kick your ass, got it? Gaara's had a rough time, a real rough time. Especially from Dad, and other people that were supposed to be important to him."
"He hasn't mentioned your father all that much," Neji commented cautiously.
Kankurou nodded. "He was an asshole. Gaara can tell you the rest if he wants too." He finished off his coffee, dropping the mug into the sink. "Thanks for giving Gaara a chance."
"I should be thanking him." Neji murmured, but this went unheard to Kankurou.
"Oh, by the way, you two looked pretty comfy this morning when I went in to get my stuff." Kankurou smirked.
Neji just took another drink, calmly. True, when he had awoken, he and Gaara were very close. Probably more than very close, seeing as Gaara head rested on his shoulder, half-using Neji as a matress, and Neji's arm had somehow worked it's way around Gaara to hold him there. Neji had been very careful not to wake Gaara as he slowly managed himself (a little tentatively) out of the other's embrace. Though he would admit to himself, he did remain unmoving a while, taking in the experience. Gaara's shirt had ridden up a little, exposing the pale skin of his back to Neji's hand. He could feel Gaara breathing, his heartbeat thudding into Neji chest.
"Just don't break his heart," Kankurou said, seeing Neji's fond smile. The younger felt pink rise into his cheeks, but said nothing more to Kankurou's receeding back.
o
"Come on," Gaara heard whispered in his ear, "Wake up."
"No…" the redhead muttered, shuffling away from the voice. It just laughed, and tapped him again on the ear. He opened his eyes with heavy glare, looking up at Neji, who stood beside the bed.
"How long have you been up?" Gaara asked, pushing the covers off of him. Neji shrugged, looking a little distracted.
"What're you thinking about?" the still half-asleep boy asked him.
"Nothing much," he answered. "I talked to your brother a bit earlier, and your sister's taken over the washroom now. I don't know what Hinata and Hanabi would do they had to share."
"Oh, right, you live in a mansion."
"It's not really a mansion, just a really big house."
"Neji, a really big house is a mansion," Gaara laughed. He stood and meandered over to his dresser, pulling out some clothing without looking to see if it matched, since his garments were mostly black anyways. Neji began heading out, pausing as he saw the book Gaara had been reading earlier that week.
"Would you mind if I looked at this a bit more?"
"Go ahead," Gaara said, pulling his T-shirt over his head. Neji quickly ducked out, feeling his pulse speed up and heat rise to his face. In the hall, he opened the book to read while Gaara changed, but couldn't quite get his focus on the words. Instead, Kankurou's joking (was it a joke? Or did he see something Neji hadn't?) words of that morning came back. Neji shook his head, trying to clear it and place all the thoughts in order, in category to figure out just what his thoughts actually amounted to. But they just fell through his fingers like grains of sand, coarse against his skin, and he just couldn't leep them in order, mingling and weaving into eachother.
Some things, you just can't explain with words or order and logic. It doesn't work that way.
So Neji stopped trying, and tipped his head back to look at the speckled ceiling tiles. And he thought about Gaara. Gaara was vibrant red hair, and creamy green eyes, and soft, small, almost delicate hands that Neji would watch sometimes during class, and sketch in the margins. To him, Gaara was someone he could care about, someone that his heart was beginning to cling to strongly, someone that he enjoyed being with.
Someone he cared strongly for.
No other words came, and if any did, they sounded awkward and false, trying to be what he couldn't quite grasp.
He cared for Gaara. That was as close as he could come to it. And maybe it was a good thing he decided to help Gaara on his little 'quest' for whatever love was, and if it even existed in the soiled world they were born into.
Because he really cared for Gaara.
But did Gaara…
"Sorry I took so long," came the familiar voice as the door opened.
Neji shut the book. "Stop apologizing. You did nothing wrong."
Gaara shook a hand through his hair. "I'll try."
"I don't ask anything more than that." Neji responded.
After a while longer of chatting and a clumsy attempt at breakfast, Neji left, saying his uncle would want him home soon. The events of the graveyard were touched on briefly, but he told Gaara he didn't feel as bad about it anymore, though anger still resided between himself and his relatives.
After he left, there was a quiet that Gaara was no longer accustommed to.
o
Tiny, snow-white crystals.
His fingers fumbled with the syringe, his mind begging, begging for it. He hated lying, and oh, how he hated himself then. Hated himself for being so weak that it effected him, and so deeply, scraping at the shell he'd put around his soul, slowly tearing it to pieces. There were cracks, there always would be, but no matter how many times he patched them up, they would come back, and come back again, until he grew weary and bitter and too goddamned tired to bother.
And it still hurt.
He was becoming used to the little prick as he inserted the sharp metal into his forearm, through the skin, into the vein.
He knew what it was doing to him. It was getting harder and harder to care when he was in that state, hidden somewhere only he knew about, so far from the massive house that engulfed any free will, and away from anyone he knew who might see.
It was only a little bit, anyways. It was expensive shit.
Was it worth it?
He changed his mind every time.
Slowly, he drew out the tip of the now empty syringe, averting his eyes. Too late to turn back. You can't fuck with time like that, no, it's already set it's rambling course. You can't change things like that.
He winced, letting himself sink into the feeling.
"Forgive me… Gaara…"
I'll try…
Ende Chapter 13