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Chapter 15: Fed Up With Smoke and Mirrors

Link to H-R's fanart in my bio. It's kick-ass.

Disclaimer: Never did. Never will.

The ghostly pale eyes of Hyuuga Hiashi gazed at Neji from across the large study, the teen's body language and expression coming across as part hostile, part uncaring. The silence was thick, filled with unspoken vows of animosity and misunderstandings.

"Your principal called me, Neji."

"…"

"She told me you've been suspended until Thursday."

Neji nodded curtly.

"Care to explain how this came to be? I've heard one version, and apparently you were in a fight."

"True," Neji said. "Someone insulted two of my friends because for being gay."

"And?"

"And I told him not to."

"So he hit you?" Hiashi eyed the cut on Neji's lip, just a little swollen.

"Yes."

"And you hit back?"

"Yes." Neji spoke without hesitation, and Hiashi could take it for nothing but truth. His nephew was not one to lie outright. Even when he had been a child, only on rare occasion would he avoid the truth. A half-smile grew on Hiashi's face, as he walked towards the teen.

"You shouldn't have hit him back, and I have no choice but to ground you for the next two weeks. Mind you, your presence is still mandatory at my business dinner. But it was good of you to stand up for your friends…" His expression softened, liking the new development, as Neji had been rather solitary ever since…

"You're reminding me more and more of your father…"

Neji stiffened, head snapping up to look his uncle in the eye. "How dare you speak of him after what happened!"

Hiashi looked away, walking past Neji to exit the room. "I am not going to argue with you on that subject. Not now."

"Don't walk away from me!" Neji snapped, the vehement words echoing a few times before fading, heard throughout the entire building. After a moment he turned away, muscles still tense. "I'm sorry…"

Hiashi paused, mouth set in a firm line, before giving Neji a nod, and continuing down the hall, the only sound the uneven rhythm of their breathing.

o

Friday

Fortunately, the week went by quickly, and it seemed no time at all until Neji returned to school to find himself a little bit of a hero, congratulated by quite a few students he didn't even know. The tension surrounding Naruto and Sasuke had become hidden, as Tsunade had given a tolerance assembly on Tuesday, and anyone who still felt resentment wasn't too keen on showing it.

However, this minimal taste of some kind of fame wasn't all too sweet in his mouth. He felt his mind running off more and more during class, or lunch, and bitterness stained him as he forced himself to stay clinging to reality. More and more he felt sick of himself; he couldn't help it. And he was beginning to ache for the drug again, just a little, and that's what he hated most. He didn't like to lie. He didn't like to break promises…

"Neji?"

He glanced up, confused as he had been the only person at the lunch table. Everyone was waiting in the lunch line for pizza (Friday's special), and though Gaara had offered to stay with him, Neji insisted that he go.

Sasuke sat down beside him, resting his chin on his hands. "Hey."

Neji blinked a few times, waiting for things to properly focus. "Um, hi."

The black-eyed boy watched him for a second, his look casual but slightly accusing. "Neji, I heard you were with those friends again."

Still out of it, Neji shook his head. "What friends?"

"You know the ones I'm talking about."

"Oh." Neji bit his lip lightly. "Yeah."

"I thought you didn't see those friends anymore."

"I-"

"Did you lie to me?" Sasuke's tones were forceful, insistent. He and Neji had been acquaintances for a while, but they never got too close to each other. Some of the people Sasuke knew outside of school sold to Neji, and Sasuke was angry when he found out. He had actually been so angry he had punched Neji, and demanded he not do it again; a solution that only worked for a month or so, as they grew apart from the short-lived almost-friendship.

"Don't be so damn hypocritical; I know you used to buy from them sometimes."

"'Used to'. 'Sometimes'. Neji, I think you've gone over just 'sometimes'."

"It's none of your business."

"It's not just fucking hurting you!" Sasuke snapped. "It's hurting Gaara, in case you haven't noticed, and a lot of other people, myself included! And if you want to be so fucking selfish, then fine!"

The conversation ended abruptly when Sasuke was glomped from behind by Naruto, who hung off his shoulder, laughing. There was a quiet, as Sasuke continued to stare darkly at Neji, and Naruto grew worried, glancing from one to the other quizzically.

"Did I interrupt something?"

"I don't think so," Neji said, going back to staring at the table. The smell of food was just making it worse. He rested his head on the table, closing his eyes. After a while, he heard Gaara sit down beside him, and he opened one eye.

"I'm just tired," he feigned. He closed his eyes, only to open them a few seconds later. "Hey."

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to go the playground after school?"

"I thought you were grounded."

Neji shrugged. "The weekend starts tonight, and I won't be able to talk to you until Monday. Anyways, we don't have to stay long."

Gaara gave a cautious smile. "Kay."

Neji lay his head on his folded arms, trying to gather whatever in him that had yet to be tainted and hide it somewhere, so that if he could make things better without getting all of him dirty, there would be something to give to Gaara.

o

Temari wasn't sure if it was by chance she found herself standing in front of the slightly familiar white house with black shutters. After completing flunking her trigonometry test, she decided to blow off some steam by running recklessly until her leg muscles felt like rubber and refused to let her go any farther. She hadn't been paying that much attention, though, and ended up not at her house, but in another subdivision. To be precise, directly in front of Shikamaru's house.

And as usual, he was lying on the lawn, watching the dreary November clouds, thick and grey with patches of blue in between. After a few moments, his eyes flickered over to her.

"What happened to you?"

She continued trying to catch her breath, leaning down to rest her hands on her knees. "Failed my" pant "trig test," pant "and" pant "I'm pissed."

"I see." Shikamaru looked her over once more. "You shouldn't stop moving so abruptly, it's not good for you. And bending over restricts your breathing."

A little reluctantly, Temari stood up straight, wincing at the sharp pain in her lungs. "Can I lie down here?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"It's your lawn, isn't it?"

Shikamaru shrugged. "I don't really care."

Temari flopped down next to him, pressing her body into the cold ground. Though she'd undone her jacket, she was still boiling hot and greatly uncomfortable from it. After a few minutes she was able to calm her breathing, and flipped over onto her back to look at the sky.

"I hope it snows again soon," she murmured.

"Why?"

"It didn't snow much where I used to live. It was warm all the time. I want to see it snow again."

"Where did you used to live?" Shikamaru inquired.

"Sunaga. It's pretty far south of here." When she said the name, there was no fond smile on her face, just a subtle twitch of her lips. Quickly, she reached her hands up into the air, a whimsical look on her face. "I wish I could touch a cloud."

"Why?"

"I dunno. It seems really fluffy, and soft. It just seems like something fun to do."

Shikamaru snorted. "It only looks that way. It's just water vapor; it would be no different than fog. But… yeah. I guess it would be cool to touch one."

Temari nodded in approval, and found herself smiling at him, and him smiling at her, and for a moment it was just that, before both came to a sudden realization of what was happening and snapped their heads away, blushing to frightening shades. There was a prolonged silence, wherein Temari regained composure, staring at the clouds feeling herself sink into their soft aria, drifting and melding into one another, forever shifting in changing. After a while, she found herself captivated, almost forgetting all about whose lawn she was lying on as she watched.

"I see why you like clouds so much," she said finally. "It's really relaxing. And…kinda fun, I guess. Say, Shikamaru…? Shikamaru?"

Temari looked over to where Shikamaru laid, eyes closed and asleep. Anger rose inside of her, but she lay her fist down, sighing.

"Idiot. I hope someone steps on you."

Standing, she picked up her bag from where she'd dropped it, looking down at him fondly before heading off.

o

"Are you sure your uncle won't be mad?" Gaara asked cautiously, setting his bag down at the base of the slide, the playground vacated due to the cold pre-winter weather. The leaves were all faded in color, crunching as he walked over the dead ones that had fallen to the ground.

"He probably will," Neji said lightly, "But it's not that big a deal, and he shouldn't be too angry." He sat down on the short wooden beams that encased the playground, keeping the sea of small grey pebbles inside. "It doesn't matter. I'm going to be stuck inside all weekend (except for the damn business dinner), without being able to talk to you, or anyone, so…"

Gaara gave a small nod, eyes dropping momentarily to the leaf graveyard that was the ground as he sat down near to Neji. He couldn't help but mentally wince at the mention of an angry parent, memories of his father coming back. It was an incredible relief that the man was dead and gone, but even as a figment of recollection he was continuing to inflict damage. Things felt strange after his father's death, as Gaara had been suddenly pushed out of the unchanging routine of punishment, both verbal and physical. Sometimes, he found himself subconsciously making himself stumble, as to injure himself. He knew he shouldn't, but he almost couldn't help it, unable to shake himself of his father's angry face, the words coming back again and again…

"Hey, Gaara?"

The redhead looked up, jerking backwards in the suddenness of it.

Neji gazed at him intensely, a small frown dressing his lips. "What were you thinking about?"

"Nothing," Gaara breathed, perhaps a little too quickly for the look on Neji's face only grew.

"Mm-hm."

"I mean… It wasn't nothing, it just wasn't important."

"You looked upset," Neji said persistently.

Gaara refused to look at him still, pressing his lips together. It was a secret that only he, Temari and Kankurou knew, and weren't about to give away. While he was still alive they had considered telling someone about what was happening; society would give it the word 'abuse' and it would start a chain of events none of them really wanted to happen. Things would fall apart. Thus they told no one. And after keeping that inside for so long, hiding it and trying to smother it, Gaara didn't really want to let it out. Even to Neji. It was a part of him that never saw sunlight.

Neji stared at him a while, silent in thought. Gaara ducked his head, and with every second that went by he felt a little sicker to his stomach, afraid to look up at Neji. His father had hated it when he lied…

"Gaara."

He still didn't look up.

The white-eyed boy reached out, lightly touching his knee. Gaara flinched, the muscle involuntarily twitching, but Neji kept the minor contact.

"Come sit next to me. Okay?"

Gaara hesitated, but after a few moments he stood and sat adjacent to the other boy, prying his eyes from the ground to look up at him.

"Do you remember when I asked you to be honest with me," Neji asked softly, "That day we ate lunch in the schoolyard?"

Gaara nodded, unable to think of anything to say.

"You don't have to tell me," Neji continued. "I won't-"

"It's just something that… I don't tell people." Gaara interrupted, speaking disconnected fragments of his thoughts. "No one knows. I'm sorry. It doesn't matter anymore. I just can't. Not right now. Later, I promise."

I promise…

Neji let his breath in and out slowly, shivering a little as the wind swept in. "Okay," he said quietly, drumming his fingers lightly against his thighs. Words buzzed in his head, but he couldn't find anything concrete to say. He knew he was being hypocritical, after he himself had avoided telling Gaara things. Even still, Gaara's evasion hurt him.

"I guess you won't be able to go to TenTen's good-bye party, then." Gaara commented, and Neji let out his breath, glad the other had spoken.

"No. When is it again?"

"Tomorrow, in the afternoon," Gaara said, quiet but calming.

"It'll be kinda weird without her," Neji added. "She was a pretty good soccer player, but I didn't really know her. Hey, what's it like moving to another place and being the new kid?"

Gaara looked up, thoughtful for a second. "I'm not sure."

Neji raised an eyebrow. "What does that mean?"

Gaara shrugged. "Here isn't all that much different from my old school, besides the lay-out and all. Except… Well, not everyone hates me here."

"Why would we…" Neji cut himself off. "Everyone hated you?"

The redhead nodded. "Sort of. I never had any friends. No one talked to me at all, unless they were yelling at me."

"No friends at all?" Neji asked. "Not even acquaintances, or…"

Gaara shook his head, then shrugged. "It doesn't matter."

"I just don't get how anyone could ever hate you," the white-eyed boy told him.

Giving an odd little smile, Gaara looked at the ground, hands tightening their grip on his knees. "Why not?"

"Because there's absolutely nothing about you that I could find reason to hate. Nothing about you…I don't like. A lot. I don't get why you seem to feel that way about yourself."

Neji's voice was quiet yet insistent, as he gently reached over to tip Gaara's face towards him. Gaara's breath caught in his throat as he caught Neji's gaze, both unsure. Neji opened his mouth a little, forgetting what he was going to say as all the things he had been thinking just moments ago vanishing. He found himself leaning forwards, glancing to Gaara's mouth, then eyes.

And then it just happened.

Eyes closed, their lips delicately brushed against each other. Gaara pulled away after a few pounding moments, his entire body shaking, overwhelmed. Part of him just wanted to sink into Neji and never have to come out. He had never meant anything to anyone, save Temari and Kankurou, but this was different. This was a lot different. Warm liquid sloshed around in his chest, and it felt as if the rest of him were crumbling, a strange wanting rising within him.

But on the other hand, he felt an aching doubt that forced him away. It was too much. He didn't know if he was ready. Besides, what if Neji got hurt? It was probable; everyone around him was getting hurt, and he didn't want to pull Neji in further. That was unfair. And as his eyes flickered open, he felt guilt, seeing Neji's almost-hurt expression. It was almost enough to make him collapse, everything inside his head screaming, begging, attacking him and each other.

"I shouldn't," he started, quickly trying to pull away, but Neji's hand caught his wrist.

"Gaara, I know if people hurt you before," he tried, "But I promise I won't. I could never hurt you."

"That's not what I'm worried about," Gaara mumbled as he turned away, still quivering. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"I don't want you to be sorry." Neji's grip on Gaara's wrist loosened, and he pulled him into a hug from behind that he didn't (couldn't) refuse. "Why are you, anyways?"

The redhead took a second to think before answering, feeling Neji's heartbeat pounding into his back. "I shouldn't let you get too close to me. You'll get hurt."

"I don't care if I get hurt, Gaara."

"But I do! Because I care about you!" Gaara said loudly.

"I know, I know," Neji gently reassured his grip on Gaara, not about to let him go. "Was it also that…you weren't ready for the kiss?"

"Maybe. Not really." Gaara leaned back his head against Neji's shoulder. "I was just caught off-guard a little."

"Good. I was afraid I had forced it on you." Neji sighed, a quiet smile making its way onto his face. "But if you want, we can forget what just happened, and pretend things haven't changed."

"That wouldn't work. And I don't want that, anyways."

"Mm." Neji felt his heart leap, practically overjoyed. "Um, Gaara?" he asked after a while, feeling his own cheeks heat up. "Would you mind not telling the people at school about this? It's not that I'm ashamed, not in the least, I just… You saw how things were with Naruto and Sasuke. I don't want people to say things about you."

Gaara nodded in agreement, not being much of a person to expose himself like that anyways.

"I don't know if you want to be 'going out'," Neji continued, knowing very well he had begun to ramble, "But once I'm not grounded, I'd like to do stuff with you… if you want to. But if you don't want to, that's fine, I-"

"I would… like that."

And for a while the two just sat, quiet, enjoying each other's company. Neji still held Gaara, who thought about the kiss, which had caused him to shudder through with both pleasure and fear. And it was frightening; being that close to someone, when for so long you hadn't dared, had been pushed away and hated. It was hard for him to trust, but he was doing the best he could.

Finally, he forced himself to speak up. "You should probably get home soon."

"You're right," Neji commented, tentatively unwrapping his arms from around Gaara, and wondering just how long they would've stayed there if no one had said anything. He grabbed his schoolbag as he stood, then reaching his hand out to Gaara. "Here. I'll walk you home."

"You don't have to."

"I want to."

Gaara picked up his bag, then placed his hand in Neji's, letting himself be helped up. That sort of thing had happened before. He took each memory, of the graveyard, of in his bedroom, every moment and held them close to him, not wanting them to float away. He now had good memories, unlike the old ones he tried to throw away, but wouldn't let him.

"So… how are things with… you know…" he asked, both to satisfy his own curious mind, and because he knew it would come up sooner or later, and he'd rather know sooner.

Neji stiffened, though he kept the same pace. "That."

Yes, that.

"I won't lie," he confessed, "I still want for it. Not since last Sunday have I…used, though."

Gaara winced. "That's good… Not good, but you know."

"Yeah."

"That's what Sasuke was talking to you about, wasn't it?" he inquired.

Neji nodded. "It's amazing."

"What is?"

"How you can pick up on things like that," he replied.

Gaara's cheeks blushed marginally. "But… are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

"Still, you can't keep-"

Neji cut him off. "It's not easy, Gaara, but I'm trying. That's all I can do. I made some mistakes, I know. I just have to fix them."

He paused as they reached the front of Gaara's house, not yet letting go of the redhead's hand. Gingerly, he swooped in to kiss Gaara's cheek.

"I'll see you Monday. And I'll be 'good' this weekend," he promised, and Gaara nodded, heading up to his house. He took a second before going inside, trying to wipe the elated look from his face. But it was hard.

o

Kankurou looked up from his overdue Geography homework as Gaara walked in. He raised a hand to wave to his brother, before putting his large headphones back on, blaring Marilyn Manson as loud as it could go. He continued on for a few minutes, before looking up again. Gaara sat on his bed with a thick book in his lap, but he was staring off into space, green eyes lucid, and a look on his face Kankurou had never seen before. Slowly, he slid his headphones down to rest around his neck as he stood, walking over to Gaara.

"What happened to you?" he asked curiously.

Gaara looked up, blinking a few times before becoming alert. "What?"

Kankurou smirked, plopping down beside his brother. "Did a girl kiss you?"

For a few seconds Gaara just stared wide-eyed at his brother, severely confused. "W-wha…? No!"

The elder raised an eyebrow, watching Gaara's cheeks turn faintly red. From the reaction, it was just plain obvious! "Did a guy kiss you?"

"…n-no."

"It was that Neji guy, wasn't it?" Kankurou asked loudly. Gaara's cheeks turned bright red, and his brother gave a celebratory whoop. "Ha! I knew it! You kissed Neji! Gaara kissed Neji!"

"Gaara kissed who?" Temari asked, peaking in the doorway.

Kankurou gave her a grin reminiscent of the Cheshire Cat. "Neji!"

Gaara gave a quiet groan as Temari squealed, rushing over and pouncing on her youngest brother.

"Didyoudidyoudidoyou?"

In response, Gaara increased his glare to Level 8, causing Kankurou to laugh even harder.

"Gaara, we're your siblings, we have a right to know!"

"…"

"Well?"

"Yes." Gaara said, not wanting to be put through any more torture. Temari and Kankurou both continued cheering, which stopped abruptly when a pillow sailed over their heads. Temari ran out quickly, followed by Kankurou, who didn't have time to get away before a pillow hit him in the face. He scrambled out, closing the door behind him just as another pillow slammed into the wall.

End of Chapter 15