Carousel
Chapter 16: Eyes Open Wide and Breathing
It's been a while, eh? Sorry for the wait.
Disclaimer: (I'm getting so tired of putting these things)
In the silence that smothered the night, Gaara's thoughts whirled. He sat on the tire-swing in the backyard, eyes wandering the star-stained sky. Every now and then, his hand would travel from its place by his side to his shoulder, to his mouth, and linger there a while before he realized that he'd even done it. Each time, the memory of that afternoon ran through his head, so loud and vibrant there was no way it could have been a dream.
Neji…
Fingertips to his lips.
…and the kiss.
His hand jumped back down, and his face began to give off a faint pink glow, though in the shadow you could barely see it. He let out his breath, watching it condense into grey wisps before twisting and vanishing from sight.
Gaara hadn't quite been aware of how he felt for Neji before. He noticed something, that was for sure, but he had hidden it from himself, continually evading, not wanting for either of them to get hurt. He used to think love, warmth; those kinds of emotions were completely pointless. But he was beginning to doubt that. He was beginning to doubt that a lot.
Truth was, he did feel strongly towards Neji, more than he'd ever felt for anyone, and it was enough to make him dizzy. Stranger still, he liked it.
Loved it?
Startled at his own thoughts, Gaara paused, taking a second to calm down. He leaned back his head, closing his eyes tightly. Part of him liked those thoughts, and tried to spur them further.
However, other parts of him didn't much like them at all. Every time those sort of thoughts came up, he could feel something inside of him begin whispering harshly, getting louder and louder until he almost wanted to retch. Like a ghost, it haunted him, refusing neither to leave nor to reveal itself fully.
You'll never be loved.
Gaara winced a little.
Who said this is love?
The things in his head didn't respond, though he could barely consider that a victory. Love, love, love, he had no idea what it was. Maybe the darker part of him was right…
"Gaara!"
The redhead looked up to see Temari standing in the back doorway, rubbing her hands together for warmth.
"Come in! It's freezing!" she called.
Compliant, Gaara hopped off the swing, the world deaf save his dragging footsteps over the frosted-painted grass and the creak of the swing as it continued its steady rocking, back and forth.
o
Warm.
It was warm.
In the vast alabaster world, currents fast and ever changing, ever flowing, he sat in a little hidden place. All through him, he could feel warmth, sprouting from where his hand met that of another. The hand had led him to this place, an obscured pocket tucked deep within, just for them.
Over his skin, he felt the currents gush and swirl, but the milk wasn't frozen cold like it usually was, no, it was warm, though not hot enough to burn.
To scald his skin.
To peel it off.
To open the spidering indigo veins and the crimson arteries that pulsed with his heartbeat.
To let his red red blood stain the deep whiteness.
He shuddered at the thought, and the hand reassured its grip.
Yet he couldn't help but think it would look pretty-almost-beautiful; the vermillion drifting like heavy smoke around him. It did before. It made him hurt.
The hand clung even tighter to him.
o
Then came Monday morning.
Gaara was half-asleep as he walked through the school gates, as sleep had been unkind to him the past weekend, as it usually was. With the drowsiness, there was also an urgent anxiety in his stomach, which had made it difficult to eat breakfast. He couldn't help it. Some mornings he just didn't feel up to it. This particular morning isn't really like that, though. It wasn't a negative sort of feeling that pulled his knees down to smash against the ground, reality and fantasy pushing and pulling him around at whim.
It was more… elating.
"Good morning."
Gaara looked up, giving a coy grin as he saw Neji, leaning against a wall with his sketchbook.
"Hey."
There was a slight pause as Neji stood, rolling his shoulders in stretch. His fingers were a raw pink from the cold, a pencil still clutched in them.
"Can I see them?" the redhead asked, glancing to the sketchbook.
"Oh, sure," said Neji, quickly slipping his pencil between his teeth so he could use both his hands to flip through the pages of the spiral-bound book, vanilla pages all covered in pencil or ink marks.
Gaara walked over to stand just next to Neji, his eyes widening as he saw the drawing. "Wow."
"The business dinner was pretty boring," Neji murmured, taking the pencil from his mouth to put it into his jacket's pocket, "as usual. I'm just touching some up. Nn, the shading's off on that one…"
Gaara leaned in a bit closer, inspecting the sketch of two hands, fingers lightly intertwined, the background vaguely shaded grey to make them stand out more. "It's amazing," he commented.
"Here." Neji quickly bent the top of the page, and then carefully tore it away from the rest of the book. He held out the drawing to Gaara. "You should have it."
"I couldn't-"
Neji pressed the sheet into his hands, giving him an insistent look. "I want you to have it, Gaara. After all, I… missed you this weekend."
Tentatively, Gaara took the sheet of paper, dropping to his knees to tuck it inside his schoolbag. "Thank you."
"Gaara." Neji crouched down in front of Gaara, startling the redhead a little. "Are you sure you're okay with… you know… I don't mind if you're not."
"I am," Gaara reassured him, eyes dropping to the ground. "Just…"
"GOOD MOOOOORNIIING!"
The yell startled both boys; Gaara's entire body jolted and he lost balance, falling forwards towards Neji, who as a result ended up tipping backwards onto the cement, Gaara on top of him. The redhead went rigid and scrambled off as quickly as possible; his face turning a shade that rivaled his hair color. Neji propped himself up on his elbows, blinking in alarm as he found himself face to face with Rock Lee.
"Good morning, Neji!"
"Hi, Lee…" Cautiously, Neji stood and brushed himself off, giving Lee obvious 'I-don't-want-to-talk-to-you, thanks-for-spoiling-the-moment' vibes. Nevertheless, Lee had already turned his attention to Gaara.
"Hello Gaara!"
"Um…"
Sasuke, who had recently appeared behind Neji, snorted. "Geez Lee, it's only 8:45. Gaara doesn't need to be disturbed this early in the day."
"Oh…" Uncharacteristically, Lee sighed and hung his head. "Sorry."
Neji raised an eyebrow. "What's with him?"
Ino, who had decided to follow Sasuke over, gave a devilish grin. She leaned nearer to Neji and whispered behind her hand "I think Lee's a little upset that a certain someone moved away…"
"I see," said Neji, completely uninterested. He turned, and found Sasuke's glaring charcoal eyes upon him.
"Good morning, Sasuke."
Sasuke nodded. "Neji."
An uneasy moment passed over the group, which Ino chose to break by helping Gaara up, as everyone, including the redhead himself, seemed to have forgotten he was still on the ground.
"Are you sick?" she asked, putting a hand on his forehead, "You look kinda flushed."
"I don't think so," said Gaara, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. Ino shrugged, and went about telling Neji another rumor she'd heard, though he quite blatantly told her he didn't care. He gave Gaara a few glances over her shoulder, but Gaara pretended not to see him.
Sick. Diseased…
"Don't look at me like that again, you diseased little bastard!"
Gaara winced, placing a few fingers to his temple.
Sooner or later…
o
The bell rang, and Kankurou promptly got up from his seat, gathering the few materials he'd actually remembered to bring to class and heading straight out of the classroom.
It was time for his favorite period of the day.
Lunch.
He mentally cheered as he grabbed a tray and headed for the line, the smell of hot food drifting over the myriad of students and into his nostrils. Temari always packed Gaara a lunch as an attempt to make sure he ate something, but Kankurou couldn't be bothered. Why waste time doing that when we could have an extra five minutes sleeping?
"Oi! Kankurou!"
The hooded boy looked up, to see Zaku beckoning him with a slight wave from near the front of a line. Kankurou shoved his way through a group of video game nerds and a few wannabe popular girls, managing to end up beside his friend without getting anything spilled on him.
"Thanks," Kankurou said, eyeing the stain on Zaku's shirt. "How was chem. class?"
The shorter boy smirked. "Interesting."
"You blew something up again, didn't you?"
"Maybe."
Kankurou let out a laugh, stepping forwards to receive a portion of food. Zaku and he had met in their math class, after discovering neither of them really knew anything about math at all. Kankurou had started hanging out with him sometimes. Zaku was on the rebellious side of things, and often skipped class. He dressed mainly in black and other odd items, though he couldn't be described as stereotypical Goth. The only word Kankurou could really describe him and his companions was… weird.
"Come on, Dosu and the rest of em already got us a table," Zaku told Kankurou, pushing his way through the crowd. They quickly found the table where the other few sat, and sat down. Kin, currently the only female member of the party, had her leather boots up on the table as she leaned back against the wall, clacking her tongue ring against her teeth. Dosu was making a mountain out of his mashed potatoes, and Kankurou raised an eyebrow as he found a stain similar to that on Zaku's shirt on Dosu's toque. He often compared the three, as they seemed to be rather close, to the hyenas in the Lion King. Dosu was Ed, hands down.
However, he wasn't quite as weird as the twins, Sakon and Ukon, who looked as if they'd seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show one too many times (1). Sakon, the younger yet more mature, was leafing through a vampire novel ("Vampire novels kick ass. They're very seductive and violent creatures by nature. It's like a porno and a gory horror all in one!" as he'd once told Kankurou.), while Ukon rapidly pressed buttons on what was probably not his own Game Boy. At the end of the table, Kidoumaru and Jiroubou played a game of shoji on a small magnetic board, and it was obvious the former was winning by a landslide.
Jiroubou held up his hands in defeat. "I give up."
"You're no fun," Kidoumaru complained, gathering the pieces. He turned to Kankurou. "You game?"
"No thanks," Kankurou replied, sliding onto the metallic bench, starting as a shout came from the other end of the table.
"Stop playing with your food!" Kin yelled, smacking Dosu on the back of the head. After fixing his toque, he picked up a plastic spoonful of potato and glared at her.
"You know I will."
Kin hands shot protectively to her long black hair.
"Guys, shut up!" Ukon said, pouting as he mashed buttons with his fingers, trying desperately to beat his game.
Sakon sighed. "Ukon, give me back my Game Boy."
"No."
"Ukon!"
Kankurou peered over Ukon's shoulder. "What are you playing?"
"I dunno; I stole it from Sakon."
At this Kankurou laughed, just barely managing to avoid choking on a mouthful of cafeteria food.
Ukon raised an eyebrow. "You have a little brother too, right?" (Sakon glared at this comment, annoyed at being called 'little')
"Yeah, Gaara. He's in grade eight," said Kankurou, shrugging. "Why?"
"I think I've seen him around… or maybe Sasuke-kun told me about him." Ukon said. "Red hair? Dark eyeliner sometimes?"
"That'd be him."
"Does weird make-up run in the family?"
"You're one to be talking," Kankurou snorted.
"Hey, I resent that!" Ukon's eyes narrowed in mock-glare. "You know I look seksy in lipstick. Seksy with a K!"
Kankurou gave a nervous smile, unsure of how to respond to that statement. Luckily he didn't, as Tayuya chose that exact moment to pounce on Kin.
"Hello, little sister," purred Tayuya as she wrapped her arms around Kin's shoulders from behind. The younger girl looked alarmed, lurching forward with the sudden weight placed upon her. The older sister sported a cut-up Superman top and black tight-fitting jeans, bangles piled onto her arms.
"And where were you, Tayuya?" Kidoumaru asked curtly.
Tayuya shrugged. "Here and there, you know."
"What about Kimimaro?" asked a bitter Kin.
"I don't have a clue. Haven't seen him all fucking day."
"Stop cursing," Jiroubou said, "It isn't ladylike, and you're a bad influence on your little sister."
"Yeah, yeah," Tayuya rolled her eyes, turning her attention back to her prisoner. "I'm going to the roof for a smoke, but I'll be back in a bit. If that goddamn perverted music teacher comes looking for me, tell him-"
"I'll tell him you're screwing Kimimaro in the broom closet. Again." Kin answered.
Tayuya kissed her sister's cheek, leaving a smudge of scarlet lipstick. "Good girl. Don't get knocked up while I'm gone. Oh, yeah," she reached into her pocket, handing something to Kin, who quickly tucked it into her messenger bag.
"Are she and Kimimaro still together?" Kankurou asked as soon as the vibrant girl was out of sight.
Zaku chuckled. "Only they know for sure. Say, you got a chick?"
"Me? Not right now." Kankurou's expression turned to one of distaste. "Most of the girls here bug me."
"Guys?" Sakon asked.
Ukon gave him a look, to which Sakon kicked him in the shin.
Ignoring that odd display, Kankurou shook his head. "I don't swing that way. I don't have a problem with it, though."
Kidoumaru nodded in approval. "Good to hear. You can't go through life without a little variety or excitement now and then."
"It's like that song!" Ukon piped up suddenly, "The one in that dinosaur movie (2). You know the one! It takes all sorts… something something-"
"Shut up, Ukon!"
o
Gaara rested his chin on his hands, content with watching Neji as he worked and reworked his sketches in the pale fluorescent light of the art room. They'd decided to eat art there; knowing Kakashi wouldn't mind since he was usually went into town for the lunch hour anyways. Of all the teachers in the middle school, he was probably the most lenient about that sort of thing.
All that could be heard was the buzz of electronic devices, the scratch of the pencil against the page and steady breath, almost a song in itself. The quiet was alive and comfortable, wrapping around them with an inaudible sigh of complacency. Gaara's eyes swept slowly over the curves of Neji's face, trying to absorb every minute detail as it was, intricate and amazing. From the sooty eyelashes that cast shadows over Neji's pearly eyes, to the soft yet strong definition of his jawbone; the smooth texture of his long, dark tresses, some hairs displaced and hanging over his shoulder, and the slight shadows cast on his arm from the sleeve his of dark methylene blue T-shirt. However, that which captivated Gaara most of all would have to be the look that came over Neji when he was concentrating on his artwork. A powerful, intense passion that impressed Gaara more than anything else he'd ever seen.
It was odd, really… how in such a short time, his prospective had changed so much…
"Gaara?"
The green-eyed boy started, coming back to reality. "Oh, sorry. Yes?"
Neji smiled, inspecting one of his hands; silver-grey graphite was smudged all over the side and a little down his wrist. "I'm still grounded until next Monday, but the weekend after that… do you want to come over to my house for the afternoon?"
"Of course," Gaara told him softly, a weightlessness rising within him, "I'd like that."
o
Though it was mid-November, the sun shone warmly down onto the roof where Temari sat, enjoying the view. It had been far too loud in the cafeteria, and she hadn't felt like putting up with people in general that day. It wasn't that she was in a bad mood; she just wasn't in that mood. And being a teenage girl, she knew quite a bit about moods…
Clopping footsteps sounded behind her, and Temari craned her neck to see over her shoulder at the person approaching. She felt small relief when she discovered it wasn't a teacher, but a girl just one year older whom she'd around a bit. The girl saw her and headed over, pushing her long orange-red bangs from her eyes.
"Hey!" The girl greeted her. "I've seen you before. Te…Te- something, right?"
"Yeah," Temari nodded, "It's Temari."
"Right! Fucking stupid me, eh? I'm Tayuya." The girl pulled a box of cigarettes and a neon green lighter out of her pocket. "Care for one?"
Temari wrinkled her nose. "Not my thing. It seems too dirty."
"Good for you," Tayuya said around the cigarette she'd tucked between her lips, sparking the lighter. The icy breeze bent the curling flame and Tayuya sheltered it with her hand, bangles jingling as she did so.
Temari knew a little of Tayuya. She was often called a whore, but Temari didn't quite view her as such. Too often were those who decided not to care what the public thought of them labeled with unkind words. She was rather talented with the flute as well and had a bad habit of cursing excessively, but that's as far Temari's knowledge of her went.
"You have music with Takahashi, right?" asked Tayuya, deeply inhaling from the cigarette. As she exhaled, wisps of grey smoke drifted over her dark lips, evanescent as the breeze came in and pushed them into nothingness.
Temari nodded. "Yeah, fourth period. I play Barrie."
"Lucky you, you're in the back then." Tayuya snorted. "Flutes are always in the front. That pig looks down my shirt all the time."
"I heard you sacked him once."
Tayuya laughed, flicking ash from the end of her smoke. "I did. Nearly got expelled for it too."
"Wish I'd been there," Temari said, coming to stand. "I can barely stand the bastard."
Tayuya gave a nod of approval, taking another drag. "Say, are you busy this Friday night? Don't worry, I'm not hitting on you or anything," she added as an afterthought, winking.
"I'm not," Temari replied, raising her eyebrows and winking back mock-playfully. "Why?"
"Cause if you want to come, there's a party." Tayuya explained, "It starts at 9, goes until everyone's either passed out or left. It's at my friend's place, just off of the main plaza."
The clearing of a throat distracted Tayuya. She turned, a smirk dressing her lips as she caught sight of the lilac-haired male standing by the door, the ends of his long black coat fluttering abstractly in the soft wind.
"And where were you?"
"Places," he answered in his cold voice, being just as vague as she herself had been earlier. "Let's go."
"Just a sec," Tayuya grumbled, dropping her cigarette to the ground and stamping it out. "Sorry Tema-chan, my man calls. See you around!"
o
Carefully, Gaara folded the piece of masking tape and stuck it to the back of the paper. After doing this to all four corners and the center, he pressed the page to the wall above his bed, smoothing out any bumps or wrinkles gingerly, as not to smudge the image. Once this had been done, he sat back and surveyed it, lips twitching in frown as he discovered it was slightly crooked. He leaned forward again and adjusted it, then once more after that, until he felt he couldn't make it any better.
That picture Neji gave to him.
The things in his head tittered, but said nothing.
The picture was the only thing he'd hung in his room, aside from a few band posters Kankurou had gotten for his last birthday. There were a few picture frames, but they were just sad reminders. There was one of Kankurou, Temari and himself at the beach when they were young, and two more like that from later points in time, but that was all.
Life before the present felt empty, aching, echoes still floating around in his head. Just figments; they had no material form.
Gaara made mental note to take some better pictures sometime.
o
(1) - Rocky Horror Picture Show: One of the best movies ever. If you haven't seen it, you must!
(2) – Ukon's referring to a song from one of those Land Before Time movies. The one where Little Foot's Grandpa is sick and they have to go get the flower. Don't ask why I know that.
Reviews are greatly appreciated!