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Chapter 17: Slip Your Hands Inside My Pockets (1)
Clarification: Neji, TenTen and Lee are all 14 while others are 13. Tayuya and Kimimaro are Gr. 12, Sakon, Ukon, Temari, Jiroubou and Kidoumaru are Gr. 11, Kankurou, Kin, Zaku and Dosu are Gr.10.
Disclaimer: Not my characters and some ideas are based on the manga. But the rest is mine.
Wednesday
"It's snowing…"
Sakura put down her pencil and rested her chin on her clasped hands as she gazed out the window of the math classroom, jade eyes alight.
"Look, Gaara…"
The redhead sitting to her right looked glanced up, pausing for a second to admire the thin layer of snowfall as well.
"It's just snow," Sasuke said from the right of Gaara. "It's not that exciting. And with the weather we've been getting it's no wonder."
"I know," said Sakura, "But still…"
Sasuke shrugged, still not used to Sakura and Ino (and many other girls) not hanging off his every word and agreeing unconditionally. It was honestly rather refreshing.
Naruto turned around from in front of Sakura, leaning across to get a better view of Sasuke.
"What do you know, Sasuke-bastard?" he smirked. "I think snow is cool!"
"It is not, dobe," Sasuke responded playfully as he tried to untangle his earphones after having quickly shoved them in his desk to hide them from Iruka. What had previously been insults between the two had turned to what could be called pet names.
"Shut up."
"Make me."
A devious smile grew across Naruto's face. "Oh yeah…?"
Gaara had been listening intently to the banter, his eyes flickering back and forth as if he were watching a Ping Pong match. His attention was diverted, however, as Sakura kept jabbing in the arm with the eraser end of her pencil.
He turned, narrowing his eyes at her. "Please stop poking me."
Immune to his irritated expression, Sakura just laughed. "Hey, guess what?" She continued again without waiting for him to answer. "I'm going to get my hair cut this weekend!"
"That's nice…," said Gaara, a little surprised and unsure of what else to say.
"About to here," the pink-headed girl continued, making snipping motions just above her shoulders. "What do you think?"
"…good…" He nodded, still rather puzzled. Ever since he spoken to her in the hall, Sakura had been rather friendly to him… as had just about everyone else. It felt somewhat weird.
"SASUKE-TEME!"
All eyes in the class immediately turned to the hyperactive blonde as he angrily lept from his seat towards Sasuke, causing Hinata to shriek. Unfortunately, the distance was quite a bit farther than Naruto had anticipated, and he ended up bumping Gaara's desk backwards before hitting the side of Sasuke's desk and falling to the floor. Gaara could only guess that their mock argument had progressed until Naruto felt the need to injure Sasuke…
"Break it up, you two!" Iruka yelled, making his way over from the front of the classroom. "Fighting, or flirting, or whatever it is you're doing belongs outside the classroom!"
Mild laughter sounded, but quite a bit of it was not exactly sincere.
Naruto scrambled to his feet, surveying the destruction. "Eeeh, sorry Iruka-san."
The math teacher sighed. "If only I could ground you for all the damage you cause in school."
More laughter, this time a bit more genuine.
When Naruto was just a baby, his parents had died and he was shipped off to foster home after foster home. At the age of seven, he ran away… until Iruka found him sitting on a bench outside a ramen shop. After buying the poor boy a meal, Iruka found out about Naruto's situation, and went about adopting him.
"Alright, get back to work," Iruka sighed. "That goes for all of you! Those worksheets are due end of this period!"
Groans resonated from the large majority of the classroom, and Iruka could only give a chuckle, not guilty in the least about the loud murmurs about his abuse of power. Amidst the confusion of everyone rushing back to his or her actual desk, Neji caught Gaara's eye.
Are you okay? he mouthed, looking rather amused but concerned at the same time.
Gaara gave a slight nod in return, a small euphoria blossoming in his chest just from that small act. Moments such as that etched themselves blissfully into his being, painting him vivid and alive with the kind of memories that never leave.
Outside, the wind scratched at the windows, whispering in through small cracks in the frame.
o
It continued to snow on and off and by Friday afternoon, the ground was covered in a layer of snow up to Gaara's ankles, seeping into his worn and holey running shoes. He shoved his hands deeper into his jacket pockets, trudging out of the school gates. The sounds of chatter and girlish laughter were quickly muted by the wind that nipped at his nose and cheeks, causing the skin to begin to stain cherry and a fiery numbness to come over his face. It was like being slapped by something you could see or defend yourself from.
He did not mind all that much though. For some reason, he liked winter, despite some of the not-so-great events that had taken place in it. It was never that cold in Sunaga, though, and it only snowed a little in December and January. He never liked the city, but found it almost entrancing once dusted with an untouched blanket of starch white, like the sheet covering a body in a morgue… placid and still, though horror lay beneath.
Something about it drew him in… often he would spend hours upon hours outside, until his muscles were so cold he could barely walk and his lungs ached from breathing the painfully thin air. It seemed so unreal that he sometimes thought he himself had died out there in the cold…
"Gaara."
"Oh… " mumbled Gaara, a little abashed about drifting off. "Were you saying something?"
"Not really," Neji answered.
"You don't have to walk with me. I know way takes you a while," said Gaara.
Neji scoffed. "I enjoy walking. Besides, I get to walk with you. You're not inconveniencing me in the least."
Gaara exhaled, watching puffs of white-grey drift from his lips, disappearing quickly into nothing. His thoughts did the same, drifting in and out of his head, seeming meaningful one second and ludicrous the next. He felt oddly see-through sometimes around Neji, and it both irked and intrigued him. Often thoughts came back to him, thoughts he had had months ago about how ridiculous human interaction seemed…
How quickly his mind had been changed.
The wind wrapped around them again, and Gaara brought a hand adorned in a cut-up glove out of his pocket to do up the zipper on his autumn jacket; a black coat that reached about his knees, was a bit too big and made of rather thin material. It had been a birthday gift from Kankurou and Temari the previous year.
"Cold?" Neji asked.
Gaara shrugged. "It's a lot warmer in Sunaga."
"It's not usually like this here… I guess you picked the wrong year to move in. Weather wise, anyways." The Hyuuga glanced down at him. "What was it like in Sunaga?"
"Awful," Gaara spat, narrowing his eyes.
"Well… here." Neji smiled slight mischievously, reaching his hand over to Gaara. Before he could protest, Neji snaked his hand into Gaara's pocket and let it clasp Gaara's hand lightly, giving him a little squeeze that could have meant a lot of things.
o
It's snowing, it's snowing…
Temari hummed to herself under her breath as she walked along cheerfully. She could hardly help it. It was snowing, god damn it, what reason was there for her not to be happy? True, true, winter was not her favorite season, but she hardly help but feel elation. Besides, she was going to a party tonight; her first party in a while, and she had been jittery all with anticipation.
A familiar figure up ahead caught her eye. As she came closer she began to wave to him, cupping her hand and holding it to her mouth in an attempt to amplify her voice.
"Hey! Shikamaru!"
The boy paused, tilting his head back to see whom it was calling him. He murmured a quiet complaint under his breath, but fortunately for him, she failed to notice.
"I haven't seen you in a while," she commented, falling into step alongside him.
He raised an eyebrow. "You're awfully perky today."
She pointed to the sky. "It's snowing!"
"So?" He rolled his eyes. "Snow is so troublesome. It's cold, and wet, and hard to walk through."
"Lazy-ass. You're no fun."
"No, I guess I'm not."
She was about to comment once again on his weirdness, but thought better of it. Instead, she smiled at him and tilted her head to expose her strong, fair-skinned neck. Opening her mouth wide, she stuck out her tongue, slowing her pace as not to trip.
"What are you doing?" Shikamaru asked quizzically, pausing in mid-step to watch her.
Temari closed her mouth and turned to look at him. "I'm catching snowflakes on my tongue, what else?"
"Do they taste good?" he joked.
"Sort of," she answered, grinning devilishly, though it quickly disappeared as a violent shiver ran through her, causing her teeth to chatter loudly.
"Goddamn," she mumbled, rubbing at her ears, "I can barely feel them!"
"Here."
"Oh?" She looked up to see Shikamaru taking off the cadmium red scarf knotted about his neck, and extending his arm as to give it to her.
She shook her head. "I'm fine."
"You're not used to the weather; you'll probably get sick," said Shikamaru, glancing pointedly at the scarf.
Temari laughed. "You know people don't actually get sick from the weather."
"Just take it," he grumbled, rolling his eyes in aggravation
Complying, she took the long piece of knitted wool from his hand, wrapping it about her neck carefully. It was still warm from his body heat.
She smiled, the light blush that touched her cheeks disguised by the pink numbness that had already set over them.
"Thank you."
o
The wind ran its long icy fingers through Gaara's short fiery hair, sprinkled with droplets of water that used to be snowflakes, glittering in the pale light. Neji's hand was still embedded in the redhead's pocket, gently exploring the curves and softness of Gaara's thin hand with his fingertips, and much to Gaara's delight. He could hardly help but smile as Neji's thumb ran laps in the centre of his palm, the touch feather light and whispering. Although outside the air was bitter and cold, the touch was warm against his skin. He was almost afraid to act upon it for fear it would disappear, just a figment of an insane mind's seeking.
"Neji…" Gaara's milky green eyes darted up to greet Neji's then back down to the snow, his head tilting in the way that signified he was unsure (Neji smiled at this). "Um…"
"What is it?" Neji asked, tightening his grip on Gaara's hand.
Something inside the smaller boy made him feel sick, his head beginning to pound. He winced a little, cursing himself for being as such.
"I… was just…"
Neji nodded in attempt to prompt him onwards. He knew better than to get frustrated with Gaara. The teen spoke not too often, though there was obviously a lot going inside his head. Whether he was afraid to say them or he just had no want to, Neji did not know, but he did know well enough not to push him.
Gaara's eyes narrowed as he kicked at the ground, sending up a small spray of fine white powder. He opened his lips, hesitating, and then let a string of sound come out.
"I was just wondering if you had…" he paused there, unconfident in his choice of words. "The… used… heroin," he blurted out finally. "I meant to ask earlier, but…"
The Hyuuga winced, knitting his fingers in with Gaara's. Now it was his turn to be at a loss for words.
Gaara turned his face away, mien darkening.
"You have, then," he mumbled, slightly bitter.
Neji's expression faltered as Gaara's step hastened, slipping his fingers out of Neji's hand. On the verge of panicking, Neji tightened his grip, taking long strides as to keep pace with Gaara.
"I have," he said, voice heavy laden with guilt, "But… Gaara, would you stop!"
The redhead halted abruptly, his hand slipping out of Neji's and burrowing deeper into his pocket. Tentative, Neji slipped his hand away to where it dangled dejectedly at his side. Trying to keep his tone tranquil and even and his temper in check, he began, eyes searching Gaara's averted visage.
"I have," he muttered again, "Once… or twice."
Gaara refused to meet his desperate stare.
"But… It's… You can't expect me to just stop like that. I am trying. I am, but," he gritted his teeth together, thoroughly frustrated. "You can't just expect me to stop like that! I was stupid for starting, and stupid for not realizing sooner… I just… Goddamnit!"
Gaara shuffled his feet a little, still glaring intensely at the curb.
"You know, part of me still didn't believe you did at all. It seems unlike you."
Neji brought his arms up, crossing them across his chest. "Part of me still doesn't. It's stupid, isn't it?"
"It is."
There was a silence, this time uncomfortable and itching, making you want to move or scream or do something even though you are unable. Paralyzed, frozen, mute, it was almost unbearable.
"Gaara…" He took a step forward; hoping-praying-begging Gaara would stay put. Much to his relief, the redhead did not make any move to flee, and he dared to take another step. His body felt heavy, as if thousands of invisible bricks had been piled upon him and he had been forced to swallow another. Just the word… guilt… described it so disgustingly perfectly, sliding off your tongue and catching in the back of your throat to make you gag.
"I have been trying," Neji repeated, trying to shake some of it from him.
"Can we stop talking about it then?" Gaara interjected, beginning to walk again.
Neji followed, irritated. "You can't just solve a problem by not talking about it."
"That's not what I'm doing," Gaara threw over his shoulder.
"But you do-"
"Look, I'm sorry for asking!" Gaara said, his tone louder and more aggressive than it had ever been. "I'm sorry! I'm so fucking sorry… Look at this; I fucked things up, again." Gaara pressed his index and middle fingers to his temple, rubbing in small circles as he closed his eyes and continued to mutter under his breath to himself, his voice low and hoarse. "Damn. Look what I did… You stupid, worthless…"
He stopped as he felt Neji's arms wrap strongly around him, words sticking in his throat. Neji said not a word, adjusting his hold so it was loose, but enough to hold Gaara to him.
"What are you doing?" murmured Gaara after a moment, eyes staring almost blankly ahead. "You're…. Why are you doing that?"
"Stop," said Neji. "Okay? This isn't getting us anywhere. You're not… you… I don't get you sometimes."
"I don't blame you," Gaara said, as if it were risible. "I don't get me sometimes."
"That's not what I-"
"I know, I know." He shook his head, expression pained. He felt Neji's now-cold fingers embed themselves in his hair affectionately, small droplets of melted snowflakes clinging to the vermillion-scarlet strands. Part of him wanted to push Neji away from him and tell him not to get close. People get hurt when they get close to me… People around me aren't happy… But he knew Neji would object to that, and he was trying to avoid making things any more complicated.
He's right, Gaara thought as he smirked inwardly. I do keep it all inside of me… But…
I just don't want to make things any worse.
"Things will get better. I'll get off it," Neji said in tight whisper, "I promise I will. I promise."
Gaara tipped back on his heels, letting Neji hold him, though the touch seemed somehow distant and far off. Closing his eyes, he tried to drown out the things raging in his head that were just getting worse and worse by the day. His curled his fingers into a fist, his short nails biting into the palm of his hand sharply like the teeth of a small but vicious animal.
"I know," he repeated, giving a slight nod.
Though what bothered him most was how even though Neji's arms were wrapped close around him, the warmth refused to return.
o
You stupid, worthless piece of shit. Look what you did. You fucked up again. It's all your fault! It always is. Why the Hell do you keep trying anyways? It's not like things will ever change!
Selfish little fuck!
Eyes glazed, he stared at the ceiling, teeth mashing and tearing at his lip.
You're such an idiot for even believing things could ever be different. Not with you. You'll always be a self-centered little bastard, and you deserve every ounce of pain you feel and more and don't dare think otherwise!
(Daddy, don't)
The taste of blood leaked into his mouth.
Do you even realize you're doing it? You're so damn stupid! You're not even worth living!
No matter how high he turned up the volume on the headphones he wore, he could still hear it.
Don't say you're sorry, I know you're not. You'll just do it again anyways, so what good does sorry do? It does nothing!
(Stop, please…)
Stop? Why should I stop? It's true, isn't it? You know it is, and that's why can't even-
"Gaara."
-look people in the eye. You pretend you're scared and helpless, but you know exactly what it is you're doing, you dumb-ass bitch! Look me in the eye and say you're sorry! Come on!
(I'm sorry!)
Say it like you mean it.
"Hey, Gaara."
His eyes remained glued on the ceiling, completely lost inside of himself.
(I'm sorry! I'm sorry!)
I don't know why I even bother with you…
He tore another strip of thin flesh from his lip, tongue running over the raw underneaths.
(… I don't know why I can stand myself sometimes…)
"Gaara!"
Kankurou yanked the earphones from Gaara's head, grinning at his younger brother who had sat up abruptly, looking spooked.
"Come on, time for dinner," said Kankurou.
"I'm not hungry," Gaara said, lying back down.
"Yes you are," insisted Kankurou, looking worried. "Let's go."
"I don't feel well, I'll eat something later."
Kankurou crouched down in front of his brother, narrowing his eyes. "What's up, pipsqueak?"
"Nothing," Gaara said insistently, glancing away.
Giving a dramatic sigh, the elder of the two stood and made his way to the door, sending Gaara a wink and a horrendous "I'll be back," Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator. He appeared again a minute later, this time with two plates full of food and utensils. He set one down on the bed in front of Gaara and the other on his lap, as he sat down on the edge of the mattress.
"Eat," he said.
Gaara glared back. "I told you, I'm not hungry."
"Look, Temari's already worried, and if you don't eat she'll get your case, and I don't think you want that," Kankurou tried.
"I'm not hungry," Gaara repeated, reaching for the headphones that were actually Kankurou's and currently blaring Dir en Grey's Obscure.
Kankurou pushed the redhead's hand away. "Don't be starting in with this again, Gaara."
"Starting in with what?" Gaara snapped.
"Not eating!" Kankurou responded angrily. "You've done it before; I know you have, and it wasn't just when Dad wouldn't let you! So I am going to sit here with you until you eat something!"
Gaara averted his eyes, but still made no move to touch the food.
"Gaara, you're thin as can be. It's damn unhealthy. Eat something," Kankurou urged.
Reluctantly, Gaara picked up the fork and stabbed at his mashed potatoes.
"I put some salt on them," the elder continued, "I know you like them that way."
Gaara swallowed, hoping his stomach would accept the food and in his still-upset state, he would not end up just throwing it all up later.
"Thank you."
"No problem, pipsqueak."
Eventually, Kankurou made his way back to the kitchen with one empty plate and one half-empty one. Temari glanced up from the sink, one eyebrow raised.
"What was that about?"
"Brotherly bonding over mashed potatoes."
"Why don't I believe you?"
Kankurou stretched his arms out in front of him, cracking his knuckles (Temari flinched) and glancing at the clock. "We gotta go in an hour or two, eh?"
"Go where?" Mariko asked from the island, where she was pouring over a stack of bills.
"A friend's having a party," Kankurou said casually.
Their caretaker glanced from one to the other suspiciously.
Kankurou grinned. "Don't worry; it's not gonna be one of those huge house parties where everyone's drunk and too stoned to see two feet in front of them."
"Fine. But don't drink, don't do drugs, don't do anything illegal, and don't get back too late. You," she pointed at Temari, "Don't get pregnant, and you," she turned to Kankurou, "Don't get anyone pregnant. Got me?"
"Yes ma'am," they responded in unison.
"Good," she said, going back to her bills. "I have a trial yoga class to go to in a bit, and then my friends and I are probably going out on the town until an ungodly hour, so I expect you to be home before me."
"That leaves Gaara all on his own," Temari noted, wiping her sud-covered hands off with a towel. "Kankurou, take over for a bit."
"What? No way! I don't do dishes!"
Ignoring him, Temari sauntered over to the room Gaara and Kankurou shared, poking her head in.
"Gaara?"
Her brother was once again laying stomach-up on the bed, eyes half-closed. He took off his headphones as she came in, though the heavy music could still be heard rather clearly.
"Hey, we're all going to be out for the evening, so you're going to be on your own," Temari explained, "Okay?"
He nodded indifferently.
"Hey…" she frowned. "What's wrong?"
"Leave him alone, Temari!" Kankurou called from the kitchen.
The blonde's eyes glanced worriedly at her brother, but decided against intrusion. She shut the door quietly behind her, the music blaring from the headphones still audible.
Gaara put them back on his head, turning up the volume a little higher.
…oboete iru no deshou? (2)
o
Lively music pounded from the house, situated on the end of a usually quiet street, a thick forest lining the sides of the road, even though it connected to main street further down, with ran straight through the town. The windows of said house were alight and the bodies of teenagers were everywhere, be it on the porch, the garden or the roof. The air smelled suspiciously of booze, and smoke wafted thickly from one window as if there were a small fire going.
Temari and Kankurou made their way inside, quickly finding, or rather, being found by Tayuya.
"Hey, Tema-chan!" She gave the pig-tailed blonde a hug, directing a wave at Kankurou. "Have you seen all that goddamn snow? It's fucking awesome! If it keeps up, we might get a snow day Monday!"
"I seriously doubt that," Sakon commented, having followed the orange-haired girl over. "It'll probably have melted by then."
"Stop popping my goddamned bubble, Sakon," Tayuya pouted. She turned back to the two siblings, raising her voice to make sure they heard her over the music. "You guys want one of the shitty drinks they got here or something?"
"No thanks!" Temari shouted back, beginning to unzip her coat due to the warmth of inside. Kankurou wandered off with Sakon, leaving the two females alone in the crowd.
Tayuya winked. "Cute scarf." At Temari's slight blush, she added, "Whose is it?"
"Oh, it belongs to a guy I know…"
Tayuya lead Temari off in the direction of the coat closet, passing the group Kankurou and Sakon had joined. Kin was sandwiched on the couch between Zaku and Dosu, with Ukon perched on the back chatting amiably on. Sakon went back to a chair someone had dragged over from the dining room (where one of the half-dressed cheerleader types was currently giving a table dance), and Kankurou seated himself on the ottoman.
"Hey Kankurou!" Ukon said perkily.
Kankurou gave him a questioning look. "Are you high already?"
"Not quite," Kin replied, grabbing Dosu's beer and taking a sip. "You should see him when he's really up. It's hilarious."
"It's not for me," Sakon grumbled. "I'm the one who has to deal with him being bitchy in the mornings."
"Stop talking about me as if I'm not actually here," Ukon said sourly. "You're just as bad, you know."
"Yeah, yeah…"
"Hey!" Ukon cheered up at the sight of Naruto and Sasuke making their way past. "Lovebirds!"
"Actually," Dosu interjected as he snatched his bottle back from Kin, "Birds don't mate for life. They often cheat in order to strengthen the gene pool."
Zaku gave him a look.
Kin snorted. "Figures you would know something like that."
"Hey," Kankurou asked, pointing at the receding backs of Naruto and Sasuke. "Aren't those two in Gaara's class?"
"Yeah, I think so," said Ukon, darting over to Kankurou. "Oh! You should bring Gaara along sometime!"
Kankurou shrugged. "Naw, pipsqueak doesn't like crowds much."
The lavender haired boy frowned. "Aw, that's too bad! I kinda wanted to meet him."
"He'd probably be scared of you, Ukon."
"Shut up, Sakon!" Ukon narrowed his eyes at his brother. "My fucking God, you've been a prick all week!"
Sakon shot him a glare, but before he could say anything in response Kin stood, slinging the messenger bag she toted everywhere over her shoulder.
"I'm off to do business," she announced, glancing back at the boys on the couch. "Coming Zaku?"
"Why not?" He stood as well, following her off into the bustling sea of people that filled the large living room. Dosu crossed his arms and waited a moment, then scampered after the two.
A small while later Temari and Tayuya, who had found Kimimaro, joined them again. The orange haired girl had linked her arm though Kimimaro's, and though he had his usual deadpan expression on, she wore a dazzling smile, laughing with Temari about something she found to be amusing. Kimimaro sat down on the couch, and she followed suite.
"So," said Temari, "where are those other two you hang around with?"
"Jiroubou and Kidoumaru?" Sakon asked. At her nod he continued. "Parties aren't their thing. I don't blame them; these things can be really abhorrent sometimes."
"You're just no fun!" Ukon remarked, hopping off the couch. "Come on, Tayuya, hun. Let's go dancing! Anyone else?"
"I guess I'll come too," said Temari, joining him.
Tayuya leaned over onto Kimimaro, her fingers tugging on the hem of his loose white shirt. "I'll be back in a bit."
He gave a nod, tilting his head back to kiss her, one hand coming to rest on the skin of her lower back, revealed by the low-rise jeans she wore. She gave a slight moan as he slipped his tongue through her glossy lips, pulling away with a wink.
"Don't get of hand," he said firmly.
She smiled back at him, though her eyes looked a little frightened.
o
Stupid, worthless piece of shit. Look what I did. I fucked up again. It's all my fault! It always is. Why the Hell do I keep trying anyways? It's not like things will ever change!
Gaara paced from one side of his room to the other, breath growing short in ragged. Music did not seem to be doing any good so he tried dead quiet instead, but that was not any help either. He felt as if her were about to vomit, cursing Kankurou for making him eat. The world felt off kilter, his chest aching as if something were clawing at his ribcage and trying desperately to get out. There were dark crescent marks on his palms from where he had dug in his nails, trying to calm itself down. It was not working, though, and he bit down on his tongue to keep himself from screaming, tears gathering at the edges of his eyes.
"Goddamn…" he muttered bitterly, making his way to the kitchen almost subconsciously.
All he could think of was his small argument with Neji, and from there his memory worked its way back through all the stupid things he had done, making him hear, feel and taste them all over again.
I'm such an idiot for even believing things could ever be different. Not with me.
Everything was blurry and painful, evasive and surreal. The only things clear were the knowledge that he hated himself right then…
And he wanted to hurt.
With trembling hands, he groped for the handle to the drawer they kept their utensils. The lights were off but in his stupor, it probably did not make a difference. He pulled the drawer open with more force than he had meant to exert, hearing metal clanking at the drawer reached its limit and rolled a bit back in. As he plunged his hand into the drawer, fingers closing around the handle of a surrogated knife, a small piece of realization settled over him.
He had not done it for a long while… not since he had cut a bit too deep and a few too many times and ended up in the hospital for a few weeks. There were still silvery barbed wire scars across his wrists that you could see if you looked hard enough, even months and months after the fact. But he had resisted any urge since then… that or been prevented. Kankurou was also snooping through his thing, he knew, for razor blades, pocketknives and even safety pins. Temari would check on him often, though he barely spoke a word.
However, they were not there, and it becoming almost too much for him to stand.
Slowly, he picked up the knife and lifted his thin hand from the drawer, unable to take his eyes from it. He lifted his other arm, indigo veins nearly visible, though hidden beneath pale, lucid skin, throbbing full of blood. His hand shaking violently, he began to lower the knife, blade glinting in the bluish light leaking in from the window. The cold metal pressed against his skin, not yet hard enough to slit, his breath ragged and anxiety climaxing. Just a little more…
His fingers flew open and the knife fell from his arm to the ground, clattering against the patterned floor tiles. A moan slid from his lips as his knees buckled and his legs gave way, the back of his head connecting hard with the island behind him as he leaned backwards, body contracting as if someone had punched him in the stomach. His chest heaved as he gasped for breath, lungs screaming and begging for more.
In his mind's eye he could see Neji, peering at him with that inquisitive white stare that gave guarantee of things being okay, even though they were far from.
"Shit…," he hissed, tipping back his head to open his airways and help his respiration.
What was I thinking? That would've just fucked things up more! Neji would hate me, Temari would get upset, and Kankurou would… I'm not going to… I won't, I won't…
He raised his arms to his head, digging his fingers into his hair the way Neji had before. He tried breathing slowly, tried murmuring confidence to himself, and slowly it began to fade. The voices in his head quiet for the time being and his body calmed down, enough for him to stand without shaking terribly though his head still pounded and throbbed. He severely doubted he would sleep at all that night.
If only for you… I won't.
o
Ukon hopped onto the wooden railing of the porch, digging a lighter and pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. He slipped in between his vibrant colored lips, and then held out the pack to Kankurou.
"Want one?"
"No thanks," Kankurou shook his head, "My Dad smoked."
Ukon nodded, sparking his lighter. The flame lit up his features against the shadows of the darkly lit porch, making him look spookier than he usually did.
"You look like you've wanted to ask me something all evening," Ukon said with a smirk, pursing his lips into an o and blowing out a thick line of smoke.
"Oh?" Kankurou laughed. "Yeah, I guess I have…"
"Ask away then."
"Well…" Kankurou leaned his elbows on the railing, looking out at the forest. "Remember at lunch on Monday when someone asked if I had a girlfriend, then Sakon asked if I was into guys…?"
Ukon laughed. "And then he kicked me 'cause I looked at him, yeah, I do."
"Yeah… It's probably none of my business but it's been bugging me. What that was about?"
Ukon took another drag. "Well, you've probably noticed I'm awfully flamboyant… Yes, I am gay, since I know you've wanted to ask that too. Sakon always gets on my case about it, making fun of me and whatnot. Mum doesn't care; she's an artist and half the time she's out of town, so she hardly notices what we're doing. You should see our apartment though; she's painted everywhere!
"But anyways, I came home from the grocery store last weekend, and guess who I found ass-naked on our couch?" He smirked, flicking ashes from the end of his cigarette. "Sakon and Kimimaro. Kimimaro of all people! I mean, I had a crush on him last year for a bit, but that guy seems to have the emotional capacity of a mushroom (not the magic kind either) and he's dating Tayuya! But he was there! Practically fucking my twin brother!"
Kankurou gave a low whistle. "That'd be awkward."
Ukon chuckled. "Needless to say, Sakon and I haven't been on the best of terms since then… He's been a jerk to everyone; more so than usual. And it's tough. I mean, I know we pick fights with each other, but he's my brother. I love him. I don't like being detached from him."
"Do you guys do twin things?" Kankurou asked jokingly. "Telekinesis and all that? You know what each other's thinking?"
Taking another drag from his cigarette, Ukon smiled. "You know, sometimes we're so… I know him so well I think I do."
o
The front door of the house slammed shut, two pairs of footsteps making their way to the living room in what was a horrible attempt to be quiet. The lights flew on and Gaara rolled over with a moan to hide his face in the pillows, the frosty blue ice pack tumbling off his forehead.
"Hey, pipsqueak!" Kankurou said in what was very loud for a whisper.
Gaara moaned again, burying his face further into the couch. "Turn off the lights."
Temari sat down beside him, resting a comforting hand on his back. "Headache?"
He responded with a nod.
"Why are you in here?" Kankurou asked.
"It's colder in here," Gaara grumbled.
Temari gave a sigh, picking up the ice pack, which was no longer living up to its name. "Here, I'll get you a new one."
The blonde stretched her tired body as she stood, walking wearily to the kitchen.
Man, I need a bath… I feel filthy, she thought as she strode over to the refrigerator, stopping abruptly, eyes widening as she caught sight of the knife lying on the floor, the drawer still hanging half-open.
End Chapter 17
(1) The title of this chapter is a line from a Tegan and Sara song, that being And Darling (this thing that breaks me heart) which is a rather true and lovely little song. Their music has a large influence on my writing. Yes, the lyrics are insightful to the chapter; go look them up if you wish.
(2) This is a lyric clip from the song Gaara was listening to, meaning 'You remember, don't you?' Don't tell ff(dot)net. Kyo's lyrics are also an inspiration to me (he's a fucking genious).