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Chapter 21: Through Cracks in the Door
Notes: Yeah, I know. Finally, eh? Damn school, keeping me from the important things… Oh, that and I have like, an actual social life now. It's honestly quite enjoyable.
Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed last chapter, especially those of you who take time to write longer than one sentence, constructive reviews. Any review is nice, but those really make my day. Love to all of you, and HAPPY CANADIAN THANKSGIVING!
Oh, and on another note… some people who have been reading this story have been using part of my formatting in their fics (by this I mean the italics and brackets I'm fond of using for insanity and thoughts, etc.) Unfortunately, I feel some of you are overusing it, so I simply ask that you A) please cut down on your usage of it, because the effect is wearing down, and/or B) make a note in the fic that this was where it came from. If this wasn't where you got the idea and I'm wrong, tell me so, but that's just something that's been irking me for a while… irking me a lot…
I disclaim all rights to Naruto.
And anyone who can understand my simple French in this chapter gets a cookie. (and thanks to The Caged Bird for correcting me...)
o
Two pretty blue pills rolled from the bottle into his palm, settling next to the long channel that ran from just below his smallest finger to almost the other side of his hand. He set the bottle back down on the counter, the pills still left within rattling against each other.
Just a sip of metallic tasting tap water and he quickly slipped them in through his lips, swallowing with a look of distaste. He couldn't swallow them without a drink, else his mouth would suddenly go dry and his tongue would become paralyzed, thick in his mouth, and the bland-yet-bitter taste nearly made him gag.
Just two pretty little blue pills. They made things a little fuzzy, as if everyone were speaking a language he only knew half the words of and time was moving a half-second faster than he was. It usually wore off after about an hour, but he could still feel it, knowing it had not faded fully.
They made things unnaturally quiet, as if he had been placed in a soundproof room with milk-white walls. Though he was grateful for it, it all sounded fake. He knew there were things scratching at the walls, and pounding at the door. The outside sounds had just been muffled.
Even so, it was better than the noise.
o
"So… you told him, eh? Neji, I mean, when you went over there yesterday."
Gaara looked up from his half-finished math homework, confused for a moment before the words spoken clicked and he nodded slightly at his brother in response.
"Yeah."
"And?" Temari asked from beside him on the bed. Gaara shifted a little, showing that he was uncomfortable.
"You're nosy, Ri," Kankurou commented.
"I am not nosy! You're the one who asked in the first place, hypocrite!"
"Feh. Whatever."
Sunday afternoon was drifting lazily by the three siblings, who had somehow all ended up in the brothers' room, wearing multiple layers of clothing along with a few thick blankets due to the fact that the furnace, to quote Kankurou, was being a bitch again. After finally settling on one of Kankurou's lighter CDs as background music the trio had settled down, Temari trying to finish her essay and occasionally assisting Gaara with his homework while Kankurou ignored the text books beside his bed completely and vigorously played his GameBoy.
Gaara pulled his hands back into the sleeves of his over-sized black hoodie, a light shiver running through him. "Neji…"
He felt Temari lean a little closer to him, and saw Kankurou's thumb quickly dart to the pause button.
"He listened…" the redhead managed, "and… he didn't…not like me for what happened."
"I didn't think he would," Kankurou commented.
"It was nice…" Gaara added quietly, blushing. "We went for a walk in the snow…"
Temari resisted the urge to give a girlish sigh. "That's good. I'm glad."
"Glad what?" asked Gaara.
"Glad you're happy…"
Kankurou snorted. "Don't go getting all sappy on us now… Oh my, I think I might need a tissue!" He feigned wiping a tear from the corner of his eye.
"Tch." Temari shrugged, ignoring him. "I know you feel the same way, even if you don't admit it."
"Yeah, yeah…" the middle sibling rolled his eyes, rolling over onto his side to look at Gaara properly. "Just as long as he doesn't try to force you into anything… He's better than most by far, but I'm still not that sure about him."
"He's fine, Kankurou," Gaara responded, the corners of his lips tipping downwards.
"If you say so, pipsqueak," said Kankurou, a little reluctantly.
Gaara did not protest use of the nickname, having learned to deal with it (and almost like it) by that time. He cast a lethargic eye at his binder spread open on his lap and decided he would finish later, any slight motivation he had had for doing it earlier entirely lost. Part of him still felt drained from the events of the day before, unused to giving part of his raw, unprotected self up to be examined by anyone other than himself. The feeling was still uncomfortable, but somehow relaxing, probably due to the fact that it had been Neji that had helped him strip off the layers and layers of defence he had built up over the years.
And Neji hadn't laughed. He hadn't given Gaara weird looks, or pushed him away, or yelled at him about what a freak he was. Instead, Neji had listened, and help him closer, kissed him and comforted him, and refused to let him slip any further, though Gaara did not quite get why. It was just another amazing and entrancingly peculiar little thing his mind could not quite wrap itself around, yet one he loved to ponder whenever his thoughts decided to run off and dawdle. And, he decided, he preferred it that way.
"I trust him," Gaara continued to reassure his siblings, quiet yet firmly. He was not saying that just to have them stop bothering him about it, or because he knew they wanted to hear it. The words were not only half-full, and they did not catch on his tongue and drag across the surface as they scraped out. He meant them.
They were just words - just manipulated sound - but they were his own.
o
Tuesday
"…that's so fucking gay!"
Four, Gaara counted mentally, wincing. With his peripheral vision, he could see the two boys laughing loudly at their jokes on the other side of the classroom. One of them, he noted mentally, was one of the boys that used to trip him in the hallway during his first month at the new school. They were the type he despised and tried to avoid; boisterous, egotistical and unreasonably cruel to anything that did not fit their definition of 'normal'. Homosexuality, of course, was included in this category.
It was, in fact, their remarks of the day before that had led Gaara to begin his count of just how many anti-gay comments he heard a day. It was rather pointless, but interesting at the same time. From the time he had arrived at the school that morning, he had heard four 'queer', 'faggot' or similar comments already. And it was only second period. (1)
It did not matter to them that Naruto and Sasuke were both sitting within hearing distance, nor that they had already been corrected twice by a pissed-as-Hell Neji. The duo made their comments nonetheless, pairing them with peels of laughter and dirty looks in the directions of certain people.
Despite Gaara's usual techniques of ignoring things such as this, it somehow wriggled its way into his head and begun to cause an itch from beneath. Somehow, how they (among quite a few others) seemed to think that boys liking boys was just so wrong just got to him. He did not see anything wrong with it, nor did Kankurou or Temari, Neji or the rest of his friends, but sometimes their vulgar comments made him doubt himself. What if it was wrong?
Why, another part of him retorted, should I care?
"Assholes," Naruto grunted. Seeing how Gaara's eyes had wandered over the two, he quickly added, "Ignore 'em, Gaara. They're not worth a fight here."
Sakura gave Naruto an apprehensive look. "That sure doesn't sound like something you'd say."
"I guess I forgot to add 'Fight those bastards outside of school, where you can't get suspended'," he said with a cheeky grin.
The pink-haired girl sighed. "Yeah, that's a lot more like you…" She pulled her red sweater a bit tighter around her, turning to Gaara. "Naruto's remedial. Don't get in fights at all, it's stupid. I'm surprised the cops haven't given us an assembly yet, with the level of violence and whatnot this school has…"
"Y-yeah…," said Gaara, dispelling all thoughts of the fights he had been in from his mind, labelling them blasphemous and pretending they did not exist.
"Besides, you only have to deal with them for another three days and then we have winter break," Sakura commented, lowering her voice and motioning to the boys to look as if they were actually working on their Geography.
"Three days?" Kiba asked, poking his head into the space between Gaara and Naruto.
Naruto laughed. "You mean you're actually bothering showing up after we get our report cards tomorrow?"
"Like Iruka-san will let you skip," Sakura commented.
"Yeah, well…"
"So, what are you guys doing over the holidays?" Kiba asked for a change of topic. Sakura began on about her plans of shopping (Naruto making faces at this when she was not looking), but Gaara wasn't quite listening. Instead, he had focused in on what he was hearing from the other side of the room again, where Neji had the unfortunate of being placed.
"Why are you always defending those queers?"
(Five)
one of boys asked, the comment clearly directed at Neji. The Hyuuga ignored them, but they persisted.
"I bet you are one of them," the other taunted. "Why else would you have such girly hair? That's it, right, homo?"
(Six)
And Gaara's throat had gone dry.
Neji's eyes shot upwards, glaring coldly at the duo. "I don't see why you find taunting me so amusing, nor why homosexuality is so funny to you."
He was answered with hardly muffled laughter.
"It's gross," the taller of them said. "Not natural. And anyone who defends it is just as bad…"
Desperately, Gaara wanted to say something, to prove them wrong. It wasn't just that those things degraded him, it was that they degraded Neji as well. But his mouth stayed shut, refusing to open for him despite his pleas.
Gaara could tell Neji was biting his tongue, both metaphorically and literally. Fortunately, though, the bell rang before the boys could provoke him any more. The Hyuuga gathered his things and quickly made his way out the door, his strides long and strong, clearly displaying his pent up anger and frustration.
"Gaara? You there?"
Naruto waved his hand in front of Gaara's face. "This class is over! O-V-E-R. That means we can leave now."
"Sorry. Guess I drifted off…" The redhead closed his binder and began to follow the others out of class, still more than a bit perturbed.
o
His fingers were so cold they were hard to move, feeling as if they were moving in painful slow motion as he rummaged his coat pocket for the key ring.
"We really need to get a car or something," Sakon grumbled as he shoved his key into the lock of their apartment door. Snow clung to his jeans, soaked from the knees down, and his nose felt as if it had been given an overdose of morphine.
"I really fucking hate winter," he continued as he stomped inside, kicking off his hiking boots.
Ukon followed him inside, his clothing caked with snow as well. "You think we could afford a car, even if we passed the driving test?"
Sakon grumbled something inaudible, quickly stripping off his coat and heading into the kitchen. Their entire apartment smelled of various art supplies, along with faint traces of cats and weed, the walls painted with bright colours and odd designs. Beside the postcard with a picture of Bob Marley on it that their less-than-sane artist of a mother refused to throw away despite how it had faded and torn in places over the years, there was a note in messy handwriting. Sakon pulled it from under the magnet, reading under his breath.
"Inspiration struck. I'll be at the studio for a while. Feel free to order Chinese, as long as you save me some chicken balls! Love, Mom."
"Meaning she's going to be practically living there for another few days," Ukon commented from behind him.
"Figure she'll actually be able to sell whatever she makes this time?"
"Hopefully. I like eating, you know? It seems kind of essential to me…"
Ukon opened the door to the fridge and leaned inside, smiling to himself as he heard Sakon give a dry laugh. It was just like one of those times when they were children, near inseparable, telling jokes none but each other found funny and understanding things no one else could.
"So, you want Chinese or what?" the older twin asked, moving some expired yoghurt out of the way as he searched for something somewhat edible.
Shaking his head, Sakon started to head out of their small kitchen. "Not really, I'm not in the mood…"
"Alright! Pizza then?"
"Doesn't matter!" Sakon called back. "Have whatever you want, I'll just grab myself something after I get off work… shit, I have to leave in half an hour. Hey, Ukon, can you wake me up-"
"Around five? Sure thing!"
Sometimes, Sakon hated how well Ukon knew him, and how well he knew his brother in return. Ukon, who seemed scatterbrained to most others, was actually quite good a being on time and had memorized Sakon's schedule, and Sakon never worried because he knew Ukon would remember.
The lavender-haired teen gave the cat sitting on the back of the couch a quick scratch behind the ears before spread himself out over the couch, letting his body relax and a long breath emptied out of his lungs. He drifted in and out of an unsatisfying sleep for a while, his hood pulled up and over his eyes to simulate darkness, before he heard the cushions of the couch squeak as Ukon sat down in front of him. Slightly irked, he raised his head, peeking at Ukon through the lengthy bangs that had fallen over his face.
"Time to go?"
Ukon shook his head, his painted lips set in a gentle line. "Not yet."
"Then why'd you wake-"
"You weren't really sleeping anyways."
Sakon scowled and laid his head back down stubbornly, but chose not to complain as Ukon leaned back against his legs just slightly in an attempt to pet the cat. The feline, annoyed from being disturbed from its nap as Sakon was, mewed at him once or twice before scampering off.
"Well, spit it out," Sakon said finally, blinking in hopes of convincing his eyes to stay open; they had quickly become rather fond of staying closed and letting him rest and did not feel like adjusting.
"Are you just going to keep it a secret?" Ukon asked. "You know what I mean… that thing with Kimimaro. Because Tayuya-chan seems really upset lately, and if you know what's wrong-"
"I assure you, Ukon, I have no part in what's going on with them right now," said Sakon exasperatedly. "Kimimaro and I… seem to have grown apart in the past while. It was a fling; I'm over it, end of story."
Ukon leaned forwards, frowning at his brother. "I still think you should tell Tayuya-chan, at least. She has a right."
He felt a slight nudging at his back from Sakon's knees and stood reluctantly. His brother took this opportunity to pull his tired body off the couch, and with his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his sweatshirt, began hastily for the door and away from Ukon.
"H-hey!" Ukon protested, following him, "Don't just walk away from me like that!"
Sakon proceeded to ignore him, picking up his sopping wet shoes from where he had left them, now sitting in miniature lakes on the floor. Standing a metre or two behind him, Ukon gritted his teeth in frustration. He heard soft paw steps as their cat, Marmalade II, made tight circles around his feet, oblivious to what was going on around him. Long, peach coloured hairs clung to his pant legs, the feline mewing softly for attention it would not be receiving.
Ukon squinted at his brother, trying to read him. "Sakon-"
"What do you want me to do?" Sakon blurted out angrily, whipping his head around. "It's none of my business anymore, and it's certainly not any of yours, so why do you insist on doing this?"
"It's just not like you, and that's what bothers me!" Ukon yelled in return. "You're pretending you're not part of the issue anymore, but you are!"
"Stop it," Sakon uttered, the words coming from low in his throat. He threw on his jacket hurriedly, trying to ignore the looks Ukon was giving him; eyes throwing accusatory glances, like acid to corrode his defences. His key ring jingled softly as he picked it up from where he had left it hanging on a hook by the door, doing his best not to snap at his brother. "I have to go to work now. We'll talk about this later, okay?"
The door closed was slammed shut before Ukon had a chance to answer.
Sakon walked briskly down the hall, eyes to the ground. He did not raise them, nor even bother to take notice of anything happening around him until he stepped outside. Since he had last been outside, it had grown considerably darker, an illuminate blue shining through from behind the clouds that blanketed the sky. Scowling, Sakon began cursing quietly under his breath, the reasons he was giving himself for his frustrations not quite believable.
And that was the worst thing about arguing against Ukon. For Sakon, it was like yelling at a mirror version of himself that knew just what he was thinking but did not want to say.
o
"Nous allons a Paris."
Gaara stared for a moment at the upset down version of Neji he was looking at, in a world where the sky was made of snow-covered grass and cement and trees and houses hung from it like ornaments as they plunged in the vast blue that appeared where the ground should have been. His knees were locked on the bright red monkey bars to let his upper body hang upside down, one hand holding firmly onto one rung for safety (he never had liked heights all that much). A small bit of his pale midriff showed where his coat had slipped down a little, the skin bristling with small bumps from the frighteningly cold December air.
"Ma famille et moi allons a Paris pour la vacance d'hiver," said Neji, half-smiling at Gaara's confusion before translating. "My relatives and I are going to Paris over winter vacation."
"…oh," answered Gaara, knowing his disappointment leaked through. He had been hoping to spend the majority of his free time on the holidays with Neji. It would be his and his siblings' first Christmas without their father, and he knew things would be rather tense between them for a while. Things always were around that time. Sometimes, their father would be quiet almost the entire holiday, all stony glares as he spent each passing day either at work or in his room. Other times, he would become almost pleasant and actual smile without having it look so rehearsed. Their last one, however, had not gone all that well…
Gaara's eyes locked in on the trampled snow below him as he looked for something to say, trying not to make a big deal out of it.
"I didn't know you could speak French," he said finally, for lack of anything else.
Neji shrugged. "Hiashi always goes on a business trip to France or somewhere around Christmas, and he likes to bring us along for a vacation. I've just picked up some basics of the language over the years…"
"When are you leaving?" Gaara asked, pulling himself back up onto the bar. His face was red from the blood that had settled there, dizziness bombarding him as it drained.
"Friday night."
"Ah," said Gaara. "That's soon."
Nodding in agreement, Neji walked over to the brightly painted Gaara sat atop of, leaning against one of the posts. "I guess I put off telling you because I was hoping it would somehow be cancelled and I wouldn't have to go."
"Why?"
"Tch." The Hyuuga looked bitterly amused. "Paris is a great place, but being there with my relatives for two weeks… well, that isn't. Spending that much time with them gets more than a little stressful, or frustrating… I've never been all that friendly with them and it's just difficult, for other reasons…"
"I see…," commented Gaara, figuring out what Neji was hinting at.
Making sure he was balanced properly on the bars, Gaara brought his hands together and rubbed them for warmth. He and Neji had not been out there for more than twenty minutes but his face already felt as if it had been stuck in a freezer for ages. Meanwhile, small white snowflakes had begun to fall thickly, the wind tossing them about as they came down.
Neji glanced up at him through the thin, lacy veil that was beginning to obscure the details that surrounded them. "I'll miss you while I'm gone."
Caught off-guard, Gaara felt blood rush to his cheeks once again. "M-me too… I'll miss you," he stammered.
"Do you think you'd be able to do something with me on Friday before I go?" Neji asked, slight hesitances between his words pushing on.
Sometimes, it felt as if they were tiptoeing around things, looking for the right (or wrong) time to plunge in. Not wanting to push too hard, not wanting to give too much slack, the balance that came so easily some times seemed so off others…
"Sure," Gaara answered, and Neji seemed to relax a little.
"We should get going home," he commented. "We might get frostbite."
"Yeah, I know…" the redhead mumbled, tilting his head back to look upwards. "I like it out here though."
He smiled, just a little, before carefully pushing himself from the monkey bars to land unsteadily on the ground, tensing as he felt Neji catch his arm to steady him. Ever since he had told Neji of his abuse, the brunette had been a little tentative to be as physical as he was tempted to be with the him. Nonetheless, any contact that was made was trusting, comfortable, almost doubtless… To be truthful, whenever Gaara tried to describe it he would become stuck, but the gist of it he had.
No questions were asked as Neji took Gaara's hand in his own and proceeded towards the street, the alighted windows and glittering Christmas lights strung over eaves troughs and through trees muted by the layers of snow, falling even heavier now. Night had come early, as the days were growing shorter and shorter, and it almost seemed as if the world were empty except for them, walking along the empty sidewalk in the darkened world. It was a familiar scenario, bringing back memories of Hallowe'en among other times.
It would be nice if it were always like this… no one here to see us, or to care about us being together, or to…
"About today…" Gaara started, a thought suddenly striking him.
Neji raised an eyebrow. "What about today?"
"In Geography, when those guys were… were bothering you about… yeah."
"Oh, that," Neji gave his hand a little bit of a reassuring squeeze. "They were just being assholes."
"That's what Naruto said, but…" Gaara shook his head, irritated. "I was just frustrated… I couldn't say anything, and it bothered me…"
"It's fine," Neji replied firmly. "Don't let them get to your head. I honestly can't stand ignorance like theirs, which is why I object to them. They're the reason I wanted to keep this, us, a secret in the first place… I knew it would just make things that much worse. But there's absolutely nothing wrong with this, if that's what you're thinking…"
"It's not," Gaara said defensively, wincing.
"Good," the brunette muttered.
Gaara opened his mouth a tiny bit, as if tempted to push a little further, but no sound was let out as his warm breath hit the frigid air, a small cloud of white hovering before his face for a moment before it faded, swept away with the wind.
o
Sasuke's hand covered Naruto's, holding it down against the tabletop of the café. The Uchiha's breath smelled of coffee, and the insides of his mouth tasted even more bitterly of it, but Naruto was too preoccupied with the vivacious kisses Sasuke was covering his lips with to comment. It almost felt as if the raven-headed boy were trying to suffocate him, pressing on without rest or giving Naruto much time to breathe at all.
An hour or so after Naruto had arrived home from school with Iruka, Sasuke had shown up at the door. He asked – and Naruto found it amusing that he actually had asked – if the blonde wanted to do something with him, and after Naruto had traded part of his soul and a promise to wash the dishes for a week, Iruka agreed to let him out for a few hours.
When asked where they were going, Sasuke replied simply, darkly, Anywhere but my place. Naruto had rolled his eyes, laughing Oh, that's specific, and Sasuke sent him an annoyed look and muttered something about a café.
It had been walking along a small road lined with houses that looked like they could have been made of gingerbread that led into town that Naruto had gotten the bright idea to throw a rather large snowball at the back of Sasuke's head. So one half-snowball-fight half-make-out session on an old woman's lawn later, the pair found themselves soaking wet and exhausted as they made their way to the café.
A half-eaten donut sat on Naruto's plate, and beside that were two mismatched mugs, one with hot chocolate (for Naruto), and one with coffee (which Naruto laughed at Sasuke for drinking).
Sasuke's tongue traced the line Naruto's lips were set in before pushing through. Eyes closed, mouth open, listening to the faint sounds of people chit-chattering away and the clinking of dishes. Even then, it was like they were fighting a war against each other, pushing and pushing to see how far they could go before someone gave up, gave in, gave out. However, Naruto swore he could feel something underneath that which Sasuke refused to address. It was unanswered questions and tired looks, and things Sasuke refused to let him see. Naruto responded to the kisses, trying to delve a little deeper, to decipher it but…
"Sasuke…"
If the Uchiha heard the frustration spoken, he pretended not to, kissing Naruto once, then twice again.
Distractions.
o
"You can come in for a bit if you want," Gaara said to Neji, pausing on the second step leading up to the one-storey house. The small drops of half-melted snow clinging to his hair glinted in the light from the windows, as the evening sky was starless and sullen, even where the clouds grew thin enough to see through.
Neji shook his head. "That's alright. I'm fine."
"Alright… Well, I'll see you tomorrow," Gaara sussurated, glancing coyly from the ground up to Neji. The Hyuuga leaned forwards quickly, darting a kiss to Gaara's half-frozen lips.
"Make sure you get enough sleep," he whispered, his forehead pressed to Gaara's. The redhead nodded, something sweet and uncensored rising inside of him. All over again it came, there in the shrouded 6:00 night of mid-December, laced with snow. He smiled and squeezed Neji's hand.
"I will."
Ende Chapter 21
Footnotes…
(1) – I actually tried this (counting how many times I hear an anti-gay comment) at school one day. I believe it was about 8 or 9 by lunch. I've also heard most high school students hear an average of 15 anti-gay comments a day. And sadly, people just like the two mentioned in this chapter sit near me in art class…