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Chapter 23: A Thin Layer of Silence
Notes: Quite a bit of this chapter was written while the author was ignoring normal sleeping habits. There might be some drama in her life in the next while; this could cause more writing, and it could cause a lot less. Your patience is greatly appreciated. I apologize if at any point in time Naruto's character slipped into Bunny's (The Secret History), but other than that I'm rather proud of this one…
Also, review responses are officially not allowed. I'll do them with the system once I figure out how it works... mmhmm.
I disclaim, etc.
o
December 21 (4 days until Christmas)
I never thought I'd be keeping a journal, but what else have I got to do? We've still got another two hours until the plane lands, the in-flight movie is so bad it's stopped being funny, and I've got a feeling that if I stand up to stretch, one of the overly friendly stewardesses will bite my head off.
I wonder what Gaara's doing now… probably (hopefully) sleeping, actually, since it's about one a.m. back home.
…I can't help but feel a little guilty. It's not like I lied to him, but still… I guess he's better off not knowing though.
It would be pointless to lie to an inanimate object such as this journal, so I won't. The night before this one, Thursday, I took a small dosage of… well, you know. That. The itching just gets so bad sometimes, and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it for two full weeks trapped with Hiashi, Hinata and Hanabi and come out with my sanity in tact, so… I gave in.
It was stupid of me, and when I saw Gaara I regretted I instantly, but it's not like the problem will disappear like magic… I am getting better though. I'll make sure of that.
For Gaara's sake at least.
- Neji
o
It was Saturday.
She was lying on the unmade bed, clothes on, sheets messy around her. The clock half-buried under CD cases and assorted jewellery read 2:00 pm in Day-Glo green. She didn't care.
Her eyes kept watching the ceiling, glazed, blank. Perhaps counting all the unpatterned dots on the ceiling tiles, or following to the point of memorization the sharp outline of the fan hanging above her and to the right. Her chest swelled as breath went in – came out – went in again.
The head attached to her neck attached to her shoulders felt as if it had swelled so large she could not bear to lift it, all that oozy puss and raw pink flesh weighing her down. Sometimes she moved, just slightly; licking her dry lips, brushing her unwashed hair from her face, adjusting her body as to try to relieve the aching, hungry and nagging, that had settled all over.
Noise came from the kitchen. Dishes clacked, cupboards opened and shut, and occasionally a voice would murmur to itself or calling to her. She didn't answer.
She hardly blinked as the phone rang, a red blinking light from across the room. It rang twice more before Temari picked it up in the other room, the light flickering before staying red.
"Hello?"
"Hey, this is Ukon… Temari-chan, is that you? What are you doing at Tayuya-chan's place?"
"I just got here a little while ago," Temari answered, the phone squeezed between her shoulder and the side of her face. "I figured you would call."
She heard Ukon sigh. "Yeah… I… how is she? I got pretty worried when I couldn't find her downtown or at school on Thursday or Friday."
"You could've asked me Friday…"
"Yeah, I know, but you looked pretty tired and out of it, and I didn't want to bother you…," said Ukon. "So, what're you two doing?"
"I'm looking for something somewhat edible… Tayuya's Dad is like, an all-out vegetarian health-food freak or something…" answered Temari. "He and Kin had already left by the time I got here… Tayuya is in her room… sleeping, I think."
"Still? Is she sick?"
Temari winced. "No…"
"Oh come on!" She could practically hear Ukon pouting over the phone. "Just tell me what's up already and I'll leave you alone!"
Closing yet another cupboard, Temari shrugged her shoulders out of habit. "Look, I'll let you talk to her. She can tell you…"
Her voice dwindled, almost nervously, replaced by muffled footsteps as she made her way to Tayuya's room. The floorboards creaking as she stepped in.
"Tayuya-chan…"
The orange-haired girl turned her head slightly to acknowledge Temari.
"Um, Ukon is on the phone… here."
Tayuya dug her elbows into the mattress, slowly propping herself up into sitting position and reaching one arm out for the phone. Once she had taken it from Temari, she motioned for the blonde to sit down next to her.
"H-hello?"
"Tayuya-chan! God, I was worried! How are you? Did something happen? Talk to me!" His voice came through the phone so loudly she almost had to move the phone away from her ear.
"Oh… some shit happened… that's all."
"That's hideously vague," he commented.
"Yeah."
"Look, you don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, but-"
"No, no," Tayuya interjected. "It's alright…"
There was a buzzing silence as she closed her eyes, feeling Temari's hand clutch hers.
"Kimimaro is…"
"Yes, hun?" Ukon prompted, worriedly.
"He's sick," Tayuya murmured, so quietly Ukon had to strain to hear. "Really badly fucking sick. He told me that the tests came back positive, and…"
And as the words came out of her mouth they became a little more unbelievably true.
"He's HIV positive."
"…oh." was all Ukon could muster for a moment. He heard it, he could feel his brain working, and-
"Oh God, honey! I'm so, so sorry…Shit. Shit shit shit! I just-"
"I got tested Thursday," Tayuya continued wearily, hearing Ukon quiet. "Temari took me. We're pretty sure I'm clean… I mean, we always used protection, but there is a chance… But we know he didn't get it from me, so that means he might've cheated on me… or fucked someone while we weren't officially together or whatever… But I…"
There came a gasped sob and the phone was handed back to Temari.
"That's basically what she told me," she said. "…Ukon? Are you still there?"
"Y-yeah. Sorry. I'm just kind of… shocked," he answered.
"Tayuya said she took a bunch of sedatives this morning to try and numb it all away… not that kind of overdose, but more than you should… so it might be better to talk again later," Temari proposed, stroking the back of Tayuya's head gently. "Just don't go spreading this around, okay?"
"I won't, you know that."
"I believe you… bye."
"B-bye."
Ukon wasn't sure how long it was that he continued holding the phone after the dial tone began.
o
Time was moving far too slowly for Gaara's tastes. He could have sworn at least have a day had passed since he had woken up Saturday morning, but the clock dictated 3:00 pm. Every time he glanced at it, figuring at least fifteen minutes or more had passed, he found himself sorely disappointed. A dreariness had settled over him, brain clogged up with a large lump of dull grey that could only be described as unrelievable boredom.
In other words, there was abso-freaking-lutely nothing to do!
He was just about to consider actually getting out of bed (he had bothered to shower and dress, he might as well get out of bed again and do something), when something hit his window. Jerking up to sitting position, the redhead stared at the pane of glass for a few moments before it came again, one snowball exploding against the glass while another hit the bricks beside it.
"…the Hell?"
Gaara trudged over to the window, planted his hands on the sill and glared outwards at the world.
Naruto, of course, was standing on his front lawn, wearing a ridiculously orange parka and a goofy grin. He motioned for Gaara to open the window, running forwards.
"Hey!"
Shivering lightly as the cold air swept in, Gaara gave Naruto an unimpressed look.
"What are you doing here?"
"Throwing snowballs at your window," Naruto answered plaintively.
"I know that, but-"
"Come on out!" Naruto interrupted. "How can you be inside on the first day of vacation! Let's go!"
Gaara stared at him a moment, dumbfounded.
"Come on! Going! Now!"
And five minutes later, Gaara found himself on the front lawn beside Naruto, gloved hands shoved into the pockets of his coat, and a scarf and a black toque he had found buried in the closet on his neck and head respectively (though the scarf caused his neck to itch, so he choose to wear it rather loosely).
"Where to?" he asked as Naruto began to head off in a quick gait, following behind.
Naruto shrugged. "Where ever you wanna go is fine…"
"I don't much care."
Wiggling his eyebrows, Naruto grinned. "Well, then I guess I get to play tour guide today!"
Gaara just nodded and followed along behind the blonde, trying to step in the footprints already made by him rather than get his pants all wet. Naruto did most of the talking; Gaara didn't really have anything to say, other than his slight remarks scattered about. Well, that's not the truth; while he did have things to say, he didn't want to say them. He couldn't help it! He was just so curious about what had happened between Naruto and Sasuke that is overshadowed most of his other thoughts, and since actually inquiring would seem a bit rude (it wasn't really any of his business, after all), he chose to stay silent.
"…and if you look to your left, you'll see – Wow! – yet another large pile of snow! They seem to be rather abundant here in Konoha… Oh, it looks like we have a whole herd of them!" Naruto scooped up a hunk of snow from the nearest drift, compacting it in his hands. "Jeez… We really need some better scenery."
"Indeed…" Gaara said. "Well, there's a cemetery that way. Through those trees behind the playground. Neji showed me the shortcut."
"Cool," said Naruto. "Let's go then… Hey."
Gaara looked up at him. "Hey what?"
Naruto only let his Cheshire-cat grin get a little wider. "You and Neji the ice queen seem pretty close, eh?"
"Yeah…" Gaara cheeks began to flavour a little darker pink than that the cold had left upon them, hair all tangled and out of place from the wind. The neighbourhood around them was quiet, almost deserted as the thick breeze swept large gusts of snow from the rooftops and onto the ground below, sculpting a drift in the front yard nearest them.
Naruto wiggled his eyebrows. "…yeah?"
"Are you intending to imply something, Uzumaki?"
"Juuust wondering," Naruto commented, "if, you know, you two are together or something…"
Gaara gave a half-hearted shrug, eyes suddenly glued to his boots. "I, uh…"
What to say…
"Hey, whatever, its none of my business," Naruto said cheerfully, testing a drift with his foot to see if it was stable before hopping onto it and sauntering along beside Gaara. "I won't go spreading any rumours… that's for girls to do."
"We… Neji and I…sort of…" Gaara squinted, trying to decide. "Sort of. Yes." He said again, and left it at that.
"Lucky, lucky him then." Naruto nodded. "Sasuke-teme and I… well, that's a fucked up little tale all its own."
"Yeah, so I told…"
Naruto snorted. "You heard the girl version of the story, didn't you."
"I overheard them…" Gaara admitted.
"Girls are lovely but weird sometimes," Naruto muttered. "Anyways, you look like you wanted to know," Gaara blushed at this, "so here goes… We were in this little café place after a snowball fight, not talking too much… Sasuke-teme's annoying like that, doesn't like talking and doesn't care if you do…and we got in an argument. That's all it was really… A goddamn stupid argument."
What are you doing? Jeezus, would it kill you to talk to me about whatever it is… Oh, don't tell me it's nothing, that's complete bull! I don't get you, Sasuke! I thought we were… Shut up, would you! I thought I was more than a make-out session to you, I thought…Why won't you fucking tell me? Stop locking everyone out! Don't you get it? Don't you?
Gaara noted Naruto kicked at the snow bank slightly harder than he had previously, causing chunks to go flying and scatter over the ground when they landed and burst.
What are you using me to distract yourself from?
"He was keeping secrets from me, that's all it is really… We just weren't what we thought we were, and I guess I thought wrong. It was fun while it lasted, I guess." Naruto shrugged capriciously. "Oh well…"
The words were out of your mouth before Gaara even realized he had thought them.
"Do you still care for him?"
Naruto's head swivelled sharply, and Gaara winced with the feeling he was going to be shouted at, but to his surprise, amazement and awe, Naruto chuckled slightly and continued walking.
"Probably…"
At this point they had walked past the playground (Gaara's eyes lingering a little long there) and had reached the pathway in the forest. When the redhead had been there before the trees were adorned in glorious colour, but the leaves had since fallen; only a few remained in bunches, shrivelled up and clinging to the darkened branches that reached up into the white, white sky desperately. The snow before them was untouched save by a few animal footprints.
"Hey, hey…" Naruto started, "when we're finished this little excursion of ours, d'you wanna go get some ramen. I mean, ramen is great, but it's even better if you eat it with someone else… I don't feel like eating it alone today."
"S-sure." Gaara nodded, and Naruto grinned at him widely once more. Gaara didn't even know mouths could stretch that far.
"I don't really like… being alone either," he murmured.
"No one really does," Naruto said. "And if they say they do they're just lying."
o
When Sakon got home, Ukon was sitting on the couch, staring listlessly at his knees, the portable phone facedown on the coffee table.
"I'm home!" the younger twin called, pausing as he caught sight of his brother. "Oh, hey… I didn't expect you to be here still… uh, where's mom?"
"Went out."
"Ah." Sakon threw his coat over the back of the couch, resting his chin his hands. Catching sight of Ukon's drink, he raised an eyebrow. "What's that?"
"Vodka and orange juice." Ukon leaned forward, pushing the half-empty, half-full cup a little to the side. "You can have it if you want, I really don't want it anymore."
Sakon shook his head slightly. "Neither do I, actually…"
Ukon let his shoulders slump a little lower, moving the cup back.
Before there was time for an awkward pause to grow, Sakon spoke again. "I guess you're still annoyed with me, is that it? You could've at least waited until I got back to deal with it, and not gotten drunk this early in the day. And I'm sorry, alright, I-"
"That's not it," Ukon interjected. He added, almost jokingly, "And I'm not drunk."
"Yeah right."
He sighed, shaking his head slightly. "Sit down, kay?"
With a suspicion hiding obvious in the side of his eye, Sakon stood and walked around, settling down beside his brother, knees curled to his chest. It suddenly seemed as if there wasn't enough to look at in the room, or rather, that they'd seen it so many times it would seem silly to pretend to be preoccupied with it. On the corner of the coffee table there was a candle in a somewhat festive holder, the wick burnt black and curled from use, while hardened pools of shiny green wax stuck to the bottom.
I know you know what I'm thinking.
Gradually, Ukon began leaning over to his left until his temple found Sakon's shoulder. Without a spoken word (it was simply unneeded), Sakon lifted his arm and let Ukon settle into him. Body warmth, and alcohol, and a kind of comfort found nowhere else.
When they were children, one twin would often climb into the other's bed in the middle of the night, burrowing deep beneath the covers and into the other. Sometimes, the space between them would seem to disappear, and the place where Sakon ended and Ukon began became blurred. Ukon would cover Sakon's ears when their parents were fighting (too loud!) in the next room over, and Sakon would dab at Ukon's tears with the cuffs of his sleeves until the night noises died down, and slowly, they'd depart for sleep.
As they had grown older, such things had slowed to a stop, since their Father finally left them and their mother went to counselling and learned not to yell as loudly. But whenever crisis decided to rear its ugly head (when Ukon first got beaten bloody by other kids, when Sakon was thinking of dropping out of school because he hated-hated-hated it so damn much and didn't care anymore, when Ukon kissed his first boy, when Sakon got dumped by his first girl), they'd find themselves together. Not quite in an incestful way, but in a way that was surely much closer than the term 'brothers' could contain.
"I called Tayuya-chan," Ukon murmured, slurred.
Sakon felt – though he had already known what Ukon was going to say to an extent – as if someone had dropped a brick into his stomach.
"Oh?"
"Yeah," Ukon nodded. "Yeah, and… And you know how…Kimimaro has been sick lately?"
Another brick.
"Mm hm?" Sakon replied, despite the swell in his throat.
"He's… Shit, pass me the drink," Ukon said.
Sakon reached over, though this was a rather uncomfortable motion, and picked up the cup. Ukon took a long, greedy drink from it before passing it back to Sakon, who took just a little sip (just in case), and put it back down.
Ukon licked at the flavour still on his lips. "Kimimaro's HIV positive. Tayuya-chan is severely out of her head because of it. Te-"
"He what?"
Ukon had felt his younger twin go rigid beneath him.
"Is HIV positive."
And another brick.
"Shit." Sakon mumbled. "Shit shit shit!"
"You know you sound ridiculously like me when you say that…" Ukon said lightly, but Sakon was not listening.
"No… No, it was just one fucking time, and I'm not stupid enough to go unprotected… I didn't get it. There's no way I got it." His eyes were wide, panicked, breath coming shorter and shorter, scraping against his windpipe. "Where the Hell did he get it? Oh, fuck!"
"Calm down," Ukon tried softly, and Sakon pursed his lips, still distressed.
"So… Tayuya must… does she know…? I mean that, we…"
He shrugged. "She suspects, obviously…"
"Oh God, and how is she?" Sakon asked.
"Not too well," Ukon explained, bringing up a hand to rest on Sakon's knee. "Really upset, sort of dazed…"
"You know what I meant - is she sick too?" Sakon spat, clearly agitated.
"We don't know yet."
"Oh Fucking God…" He pressed his forehead to the crown of Ukon's head, trying to steady himself. He was tempted to try to convince himself it was some sort of practical joke or nightmare, or even a hallucination, but knowing how stupid that would be, he just held his brother a little tighter. His breath was coming in short sharp gasps, as if he were crying without sound and his eyes were dry of tears.
"We need to get you tested," Ukon said simply, voice eerily calm. "Then we'll deal with the rest of it… alright?"
Sakon nodded, lacing in his fingers with Ukon's.
"I fucking hate it when you're right…"
"I know."
o
"And where have you been?"
Temari looked up to where Kankurou sat on the couch, the TV remote clutched loosely in his hand and an accusatory look in his eye, one eyebrow raised. Gaara was curled up on the loveseat, knees to his chest and looking all too disinterested.
"What do you mean?" she asked, shrugging the comment off in a way that failed to suggest innocence.
"You've been gone all day is what I mean," her brother complained. "And Gaara was out all afternoon too. I suddenly feel like you two have lives and I don't…"
"So?"
"You guys abandoned me!" he protested as she collapsed on the other side of the couch. Smiling to herself in an I know something you don't sort of fashion, Temari stripped her feet of her socks and began rubbing at her feet, all pink and sore from the effort of walking and the cold.
"Where were you, anyways," Kankurou muttered, going back to flicking through the channels.
"At Tayuya-chan's…" Temari answered simply, a slight hint of sadness in her voice that trailed near the end.
Gaara shifted his eyes over to her lethargically. "No you weren't."
"Eh?"
"I saw you at that coffee place…" he murmured. "With that guy on my class…"
Kankurou's eyes flared.
"She was with who?"
Temari rolled her eyes, letting go of her right foot and then bringing up the left, dark stains left where it rested on her knee. "Just Shikamaru."
"You went out for coffee with–"
"Oh, it was just coffee, don't get so worked up," Temari said. "I was at Tayuya's until late afternoon, but had to leave after a while and walking back here we met up and had coffee… It was nice, but… I mean, he made me pay!"
"But-but you were–"
Kankurou's words were quickly put on hold as Temari picked up one of her socks from where it fallen at the floor and whipped it at his face. He quickly brushed it off his face, briefly considering commenting on his siblings habit of throwing things at each other, but figured this would only result in yet more things being thrown (at him, once again) and didn't.
It was just coffee.
"So, how's being Santa's double going?" Temari asked, voice lacking its usual edge.
Shikamaru shrugged. "Decent, I suppose. Well, except for the supervisor…"
"Oh?"
"Only people lacking sanity would willingly work at Bargain-Mart…" he rolled his eyes. "This crazy woman smells like cats is my supervisor. She kept getting mad at me because I should be a happier Santa. On my break she actually tried to teach me to smile properly. It was so-"
"Troublesome?"
"Well, yeah."
Temari laughed quietly. "…thanks."
"You're welcome, but I didn't really do anything."
"I just needed cheering up a bit, I guess…" she shrugged, smiling to herself. "So… thank you for that."
"Anything good on?" Temari asked.
Gaara shrugged. "It's Christmas. Is there ever anything good on at Christmas?"
They eventually settled on The Grinch ("I remember watching this as a kid…" Temari commented softly. Kankurou, in response, remarked, "Everyone watches it every freaking year, and I still don't get what's so great about it. Do you really want to watch it again?" and Gaara said nothing. They watched it anyways – just the three of them, this time.), but truth be told, none of them were really paying attention. Who could, really, when the collected noise going inside those three heads combined would be near enough to cause one deafness?
o
One day left until Christmas…
Who really gives a shit?
The apartment had never felt emptier. The space around him felt unfamiliar, and yet painfully so, and his mind couldn't make itself up. Somewhere, a clock was ticking, dividing spaces of clean, white quiet that made him want to scream and scream and fill it all up.
Something was pushing, and pushing, and he knew so well that you could only push something so far until… well…
It breaks.
The lock gave a soft, metallic clicking sound as Sasuke gave the key a twist. One day before Christmas and the apartment stood vacant, the clock ticking constantly away to no one, save the reticent furniture.
End Chapter 23