authorsnote: heeeey. don't judge the late update, it is possible I may be juggling too many fics ... nah, surely thats not the reason!
anywho, please enjoy, slightly shorter chapter, but the next one is a biggie! lemme know if you liked!
songrecs: palladium - kacy hill
Morning comes and plans need to be made.
The night before they had held one another, forgotten about the decisions to come, the pain that was brewing and the plans that would need to be made. They had for just a few short hours tried to ignore the responsibilities they had (well Jon had), the oaths and promises they may be breaking, the pain they could be causing.
For a few short hours they managed to catch some precious sleep and forget about what dawn would bring. They could pretend they were back in Winterfell even, on the occasions as children when she, Jon, Robb and Arya had hidden beneath the sheets and played games into the morning, when she had snuggled Robb and cried after Dominic Bolton rejected her, when Jon had held her hand when she'd skinned her knee.
They could pretend for just a little while that everything was okay, that everything would be okay, could be okay.
But as always, dawn came, and the time for decision making had come.
Jon is awake before she is, dressed and ready, all in black, 'a crow' as some call the Nights Watch, she just sees Jon, her brother, her saviour it would seem. Well perhaps she is more her own saviour now but has Jon by her side. She likes that better, Jon will help save her, but she must also continue to save herself.
She knows that she knows she must be strong, for herself, and for Jon.
For she can see this decision weighs on him, he is Eddard Starks son after all, if not in name then in blood. She remembers her mother's fretting and upset, that Jon looked more like the babe of Eddard Stark than any of his trueborn sons did, and he truly is her Fathers son, he holds his honour close, and is loathe to break an oath.
She feels warm that he intends to do so for her, to put her first … she can't remember the last time someone did that, put her first. It feels precious, like a treasure, to be treated as a priority, as Jon is treating her, as she vows to treat him.
She feels bad that Jon must break his oath, leave his brothers, but she feels better that he is doing so to stay with her, she remembers her Fathers words, and knows he makes the right decision.
'The lone wolf dies, but the pack survives'
They must protect one another, look after one another. For she will, he will protect her, she will protect him. That she promises herself.
The decision weighs on him and she stands from his bed and places a hand on his shoulder, he smiles for second, yet it doesn't touch his eyes, and then he is all business, and as he transforms in a way, to be pragmatic and logical she knows she must as well. At least Kings Landing taught her that, that sometimes emotions are utterly useless.
This is one of those times.
She remembers Cersei for a minute then, rolling her eyes when she cried, laughing as she whimpered. 'Tears aren't your only weapon' She is loathe to follow anything that woman said, but she knows life's lessons come in all forms, and this instance Cersei is right – sometimes you have to ignore the tears, the emotion, and focus on what is at hand.
"I can't leave you here" All business as he goes to the tiny desk in the corner, pulls out a map and two hardened rolls of bread, clearly stashed away, he passes her one and she bites into it hungrily, she can see him smile a little at that and she lets out a small giggle.
Oh, how different things are. If someone had told her two years ago she'd be stood at Castle Black, tearing into hard bread like a squirrel as Jon plotted to abandon his brotherhood she'd have called them mad, six months ago she would have cried for it to be true.
"You'll have to come to Crasters, if they catch you here alone they'll throw you out" He nods, "Or worse" She can see his gaze darken at that and Sansa knows then and there, she won't have to worry about anything like that with Jon by her side. Just the mention of it and he looks ready to murder someone.
"Crasters?" She asks as she takes another bite of her bread and Jon tears into his. She knows Jon mentioned Crasters the night before but didn't explain the place.
As he does now, she wishes he hadn't.
"I know" He nods, seeing the disgust and horror on her face as he finishes explaining just what Crasters is, "But we have to go, kill the brothers who've mutinied" He takes another bite and turns back to the map, "I have to give them the best chance here, and that means stopping the mutineers before Mance Rayder reaches them"
"And I'll come with you" She asks, and he nods again.
"Aye, it'll be safer, from there we'll return to Castle Black and then make our run for it" He pauses then and she can see him asking himself the same question she has been asking herself since Jon agreed to flee with her.
Where will they go?
Jon doesn't speak, and Sansa knows she must, she doesn't want Jon to be the only plan maker, she needs to be useful here, she must be useful. Kings Landing may have near killed her but it did teach her more than just Cersei's ramblings, it taught her the simple lesson; don't sit and wait for someone to decide for you, you make the plan. She thinks Tyrion said that to her, or perhaps she overheard Tywin saying it, but then the Father and son were much more alike than either would admit. Either way, there is wisdom in that lesson, and she applies it now.
"Obviously, the South is out of the question" He nods, as does she, she doesn't plan to step in the Southern half of Westeros ever again. "The North too really, we have no idea who we can trust, they are just as likely to execute you and hand me to the Bolton's as they are to give us aid" Another nod, "So where does that leave us?"
Jon takes another bite, and then turns back to his map, "All that leaves is here which is a no, and then Beyond the Wall" He shakes his head, "Even if the wildlings didn't skin us as soon as they see us, there are other horrors lurking past the snow" He says and this time she doesn't ask him to explain, not now, she doesn't need more nightmares as they try to figure out what to do.
She has enough nightmares to last her a lifetime now, she doesn't need any more for the moment.
"That's it then" She hesitates then, as she looks at the map, at Skagos, but that is not where she plans, no, instead her eyes skirt to the side, off the map… to the…
"East" She looks at Jon then, "What if we go East?"
"East?" Jon repeats, "Essos?"
"Yes" She nods, and she feels a flutter of excitement in her stomach, a flutter she'd near forgotten she could feel, "No Lannister's, no Bolton's, no Night's Watch!" She smiles then, grabs at Jon's hands. "It's safe"
"Sansa" He is gentle then, not wanting to stop her smiling clearly, "We don't know anything about Essos, we don't have money" She shakes her head then and reaches into the pocket of her dress.
"I have jewels, we can sell them, Jon this could be the safest place for us, find a little house, hide away and then … I guess then we figure out what comes next" She has convinced herself now, Jon seems to remain unconvinced, though slightly less sceptical as he speaks.
"I have some money tucked away, I don't spend anything here" He nods then, and she feels that flutter of excitement then, though she realises it is not excitement, it is hope.
Hope.
It is something she has not felt in a long, long time. She can see it is the same for Jon.
The two had been separated, one in the South, one in the North, one in the warm, one in the cold, and yet both out of hope, out of faith. Perhaps now it can return.
"Essos wouldn't be permanent" Jon says, "We'd have to think of something permanent"
Sansa knows she has a glint in her eye then, as it all comes together, as it all makes sense, as it all falls into place. She smiles, though without excitement now, instead she seems to even glow a little, from within, as she realises what they can do, what they will do, what they must do.
"Not permanent" She shakes her head, "Just temporary, and then, then we'll come home"
"Home?" Jon asks, and she can see a flicker of hope in him too, even beneath the layers of cynicism and doubt, the hope is there, and that is all they need, "We don't have a home anymore Sansa" He seems sad then and she clutches his hands a little tighter, and shakes her head.
"We do" She nods then, and again she feels like she is glowing, as if she's had an epiphany, realised now that she and Jon are together, two members of the wolf pack reunited, she has realised what they can do, what they must do.
'The lone wolf dies, but the pack survives'
'The winters are hard, but the Starks will endure, we always have'
'In winter we must protect ourselves'
'There must always be a Stark in Winterfell'
Hope.
"We'll just have to take it back"
A few hours later and he had 'walked' Sansa out of Castle Black (he had technically, but also snuck her back through the gate as the brothers walked away), he had assembled with his brothers in the main hall, and Ser Allistair had reluctantly given him charge to take down the mutineers.
It has all gone to plan, the plan to try and help his brothers, help them before he must leave them. He feels awful, watching them cheer for him, clap his back, and promise to fight with him, it feels terrible when he knows that soon he must leave them.
The decision is hard, but he has made it. He will protect his kin, Sansa, he will protect his family. He isn't sure if his Father is rolling in his grave for abandoning his vow or cheering him on as he plans to protect his family.
But he knows deep down, even as he joins his brothers at the gate (Sansa head down, hood up next to him, dressed in clothes of the Watch), he has made the right decision. His brothers will survive, but he won't abandon Sansa. He isn't sure if she will survive on her own.
It is not that he doesn't believe in her, but the world is cruel, particularly to women, and Sansa is a key political piece, he cannot imagine what horrors she would face if captured, and so he won't let that happen, not now, not ever. He will protect her; he will protect his kin.
Even if it means abandoning his brothers.
He checks his weapons at his belt, Longclaw sits with pride and he feels a twinge of guilt at that. He will leave it behind he promises himself, as he plans to flee the Wall, he won't run with the Valyrian steel sword, he will leave it behind. He doesn't want to, but he knows he must, he would never dishonour Jorah Mormont that way.
The gate creaks open then, he glances around at the small band of brothers, and he leans over to Sansa passes her a dagger, she looks horrified but he gives her a look and she nods, takes it, straps it to the belt he had loaned her, even though her hand shakes a little, she manages it.
He almost laughs though, to see her trussed up in his slightly smaller clothes he had come to the Wall in. All in black, her skin stands even paler, and she is thankful he passes her off as one of the new recruits as she joined them, and she keeps her head down and hair scraped back.
"Will I need this?" She whispers and he shrugs though offers her a kind smile.
"Hopefully not" He glances forward then as the gate creaks again, "You'll stay back during the fighting, but better safe than sorry, you know how to use it?" She shakes her head, and he can see the fear flash in her eye and he guides his horse a little closer to her.
"Sansa" He keeps his tone gentle then and offers her a small smile, "I won't let anyone hurt you, but you should know" He pauses then, "Stick them with the pointy end" And flashes her a smile.
She smiles too, and nods her head, "You too" She says, and he does laugh a little then, even as she looks a little affronted.
"Going to protect me?" He teases a little and she glares at him, "Use that dagger to stop one of the mutineers charging me? Are you going to watch my back? Take down some of the soldiers"
"I will" She says fiercely and she reminds him a little of Arya then, he feels a pang, how he misses his youngest sister, he wishes she were here, the three of them, he wishes there were more of the Stark pack now, he misses them greatly. He feels some pride as Sansa speaks, she just admitted she doesn't know how to use a dagger and yet she promises to watch his back, he doesn't laugh now but smiles, a smile full of pride.
"Aye" He nods then, "We'll protect each other" He vows, and she smiles too. The gate clicks into place and he nods, takes a breath, he isn't nervous for this fight, at least not for himself. He feels a rush of adrenaline, but he knows he must protect himself and Sansa too, he won't let her get hurt.
Protect one another … it feels odd. Ever since he left home, he has protected himself, and his brothers, and they have protected him, as the Nights Watch should, a brotherhood he will be truly sad to be leaving. But now he can add Sansa to that, a Stark to protect him, as he will protect her.
It is strange, but nice.
For the first time in a long time he feels like a Stark.
'You may not have my name, but you have my blood'
"Let's ride" He calls, and the brothers nod, follow, as does Sansa, a look of fear in her eyes, though determination is equally there as well, and he feels proud then, proud of Sansa.
Protect one another. As the outer gate opens and the stretch of the Haunted Forest becomes clear ahead, he nods, aye, they'll protect one another, now, and always.
sooo thoughts?
god I love writing Jon, damn straight he'll protect Sansa, but he'll also believe in her!
I do hope you guys enjoyed, lemme know if you did!
speak soon