authorsnote: woop woop! this chapter made me feel all fuzzy - I hope it does for you too!
do let me know if you enjoy and do keep guessing plot twists! I love when people speculate on my fics, honestly makes me grin!
songrecs: peaches - justin bieber
It takes an hour for her to stop shivering.
She is wrapped in her cloak, Jon's and then has his brother Ed's across her legs. They are bundled outside of Craster's, as the house burns, as Craster's wives and daughters refused aid and left to be obscured by the snow.
She'd pray for them if she thought it would do anything, she can tell Jon thinks their choice is as good as declaring themselves dead, she agrees even with as little as she knows about this hostile land.
The fire is supposed to warm her, and the brothers seem in better spirits, eating some food they took, warmed by the fire, it is dark, but the light of the fire keeps them safe, illuminated.
She only shivers.
Jon is by her side, hasn't left it since he found her clinging to Ghost in the snow. He'd bundled her into his own arms when he'd found her, held her so close she'd felt the air crush in her lungs, but had only clutched him closer, her breath stolen by his grip but only returned to her by his presence. Ghost hasn't left her either, curled at her feet, her protector now it seems.
"We'll head back soon" Jon said, and she managed a nod. She still felt a little numb – perhaps it was the shock? She had been near kidnapped, but she stroked her hand over Ghost's fur, turned to look as Jon offered her a smile before starting to pack up and she felt more at ease.
She was alive, she was safe, she was with Jon.
Safe. It was still something she needed to get used to.
She knows now though, as she shivers, as Jon leans over to pass her a hunk of bread and a bowl of warm stew that she can't do it alone, she won't do it alone.
Perhaps she could try and survive, take her jewels and the wiles she picked up in Kings Landing, flee East or hide out here. Hide away from the world. Perhaps she'd make it, perhaps she'd be okay.
But with Jon she knows there is no 'perhaps', she knows he will keep her safe, she knows he will ensure she is okay.
She feels a lot less guilty about taking him away from his vows now, still some curls in her stomach that she's the one who's making him turn his back on his brothers. She watches as he laughs with them, at ease, more confident than she's ever seen him, and she feels that bit of shame, that she's ripping him away…
But then she thinks back to Locke, menacing, she thinks to Kings Landing, Cersei, Tywin, Littlefinger. She thinks of what she'd endure alone.
It is easy to ignore the guilt then.
"Eat Sansa" Jon says kindly, taking a seat beside her, "It will help" She nods, for she knows Jon knows what he's talking about, she wonders something then and can't help but ask.
"How many times have you been Beyond the Wall?" She asks, he tips his head at her bowel first and she actually manages a smile before taking a sip. It's decent broth, it makes her feel warm, and she continues to sip it as Jon speaks.
"First to take my vows" He says with a small smile, it's fond and again she feels that hint of guilt, though she smiles too, to see Jon so happy, "I swore them at the Weirwood, you know the one we passed?" She nods then and he seems to look fond again, "I knelt next to Sam and some other brothers, head bowed, promised to defend the Wall" His smile seems a little sad then but he seems sure at what he says next, "Though some promises are more important"
Guilt again, but also some relief, Jon won't abandon her, he'll stay with her. She's too weak to insist he doesn't need too, and yet her guilt is easily ignored in the face of the fear she'd feel if he did refuse to go with her.
"The second I went with Lord Commander Mormont" He looks a little sad then and she knows such a man must have passed, and she finds herself placing a hand on Jon's knee, in comfort, he seems to appreciate it, placing his own larger hand over hers before carrying on, "That was a long story, one for another time, it'd take me hours to do it justice"
She nods then, for she knows some stories need their time, but she can't help, "Promise you'll tell me soon?"
"Aye" He says with a smile, but he doesn't elaborate, she can also see the hint of sadness he can't quite cover up. She knows he's torn, wanting to stay with his brothers and her. She can't blame him; she wishes he could have both too.
Life often isn't fair she's learned, if anything it is more often unfair than fair.
"Okay" She says with a small smile, and knows distraction will be the best medicine to his woes, "Any other times?"
"The third is an even longer story" He says huffing out a breath, reaching down to pat Ghost's fur. The great direwolf sits across her feet and she can't even begin to describe the comfort she feels in having him there, protecting her.
Like Lady would have.
"I can say I climbed the Wall" He seems bashful, but she's encouraged he shares such achievements.
"The Wall?" She glances over her shoulder but can't see the great Wall because of the dark, but she thinks back to it, towering and intimidating, she knows she looks impressed and Jon has a slight grin for her.
Oh, how much Jon has changed. He still broods she can see, still holds onto some insecurities but he is different. Confident, not quite arrogant, but no longer riddled with self-esteem issues. He seems much more sure of himself, more mature, a man grown, a man of the North.
She likes it, and yet doesn't quite know how to see it – he's so different and she knows she is too. They are different people now.
And yet, as he slips his hand into hers again and she shuffles closer, resting her head on his shoulder, tucking into him, she feels at ease, at such ease and safe. A warmth spreads through her as he keeps her close.
They may both be much changed, and so has their relationship. She cringes to remember how she treated him; she never will like that again. Their dynamic has changed, and yet she is most thankful for that of all. The ease in which she can move closer to him, to which he strokes a thumb over the skin of her hand.
Nothing like they had been, and yet it brings her the most immense comfort.
"Will we head back soon?" She asks, she doesn't want to move, warm and comfortable, and feeling safe again, but she knows as the other brothers begin to stand, as Jon pats her hand, and clears his throat a little awkwardly that her question is answered.
"It's not safe to sleep out here at night without shelter" She nods, she can understand that. She feels an odd sense of being watched but dismisses it and slips her hand into Jon's. He will keep her safe, and as they rise and Ghost with them, she is sure of that.
She has never been so sure of anything.
The trudge back is long, cold, and tiring, but he feels emboldened.
They stopped the mutineers, and he has given his brothers the best chance he can. He feels a horrible, hollow pang of guilt, of shame, that he'll leave them, that he won't be there to defend the Wall with them but he see's no other choice.
He won't leave Sansa, he can't, and she won't be allowed to stay at the Wall, so it is he who has to leave.
He knows that's what he has to do. He thinks back to Robb, how he'd almost abandoned the Wall for him, been so intent to pledge his sword to his brothers cause. He doesn't regret that now, turning back with his brothers, even with the fate Robb had met in the end, he can't regret it, not with what he experienced at the Wall, with what he knows is coming.
He wants to stay, he wants to defend against the Others, but as he glances over at Sansa, shivering a little on her horse, eating the last of her bread, Ghost dutifully watching her even as he keeps his distance from the horses, he knows he can't.
He has to pick between his brothers and Sansa.
There's no choice.
Hours pass as they make their way back, he keeps his horse close to Sansa's, ready to steady her if need be. She looks exhausted, freezing, and he knows a trip Beyond the Wall is hard for a brother of the Watch, never mind a Lady like Sansa.
He's never been prouder of her. She's changed so much, sure he can still see some of the Lady in her, the way she'd wrinkled her nose at the brothers foul language, and the way she still seemed so gentle and kind, but she had clearly hardened some, she was tougher, stronger, and had endured the journey with no complaint.
Proud, it didn't seem like a strong enough word for what he felt for her.
"How are you?" He asked, and the brave smile she offered had him smiling too. Red strands of hair peek through her cloak, and he thinks to what the wildlings would say…
'Kissed by fire'
Like Ygritte.
And yet how different the two of them are. He realises then, as they continue on, that for Ygritte ha wouldn't give up his duty; 'Duty is the death of love' but for Sansa, he would, 'Love is the death of duty'.
Is it because Sansa is family? Or did he not feel for Ygritte as he thought he had?
He can't think on that right now, the idea of duty, love, family, it's too much for him in the cold, constantly looking over his shoulder and then to Sansa. He doesn't want to analyse that mess, instead he has one goal.
Protect Sansa.
He needs to get her back to Castle Black safely, and then East.
It's not a bad plan, to flee East, away from Westeros and the mess of politics. As he leaves, he'll have a bounty on his head but not enough to bother following him, but Sansa? He knows the Lannister's must be running mad looking for her, probably shaking and tearing the South apart to search for her, he knows she is the Heir to the North, the Lannister's know it too no doubt.
He's not one for politics, the politics of the Wall are enough to handle, and though he's adapted to just that; handling them, he has no time for the petty squabbles of the South. Going East, protecting Sansa from the power-hungry Lannister's, it seems like the best plan.
Though he isn't looking forward to the heat. He is a man of the North, some wildling now too, he knows it will be an adjustment, but what he needs to do, for her, for Sansa.
"So, when are you leaving?" The voice is a whisper in the air and he near jumps as he realises he's fallen behind a little, Sansa continues to ride fine, but he's taken a step back on his horse, leaving Gren and Ed to go either side of him, as they intended clearly, with Sansa riding a little up ahead, Ghost's keen eye still on her.
"What?" He retorts, already feeling a warmth at his collar, a nervousness, fuck; do they know? They can't know! But then, one glance at them tells him, yes, they know, no point beating around the bush then. "How did you know?"
"Obvious" Gren scoffs, and Ed nods, rolling his eyes as though it is obvious, which he supposes to his brothers, the people who know him best, it is.
"You'll hang if they catch you" He's surprised neither try to talk him out of it, perhaps they agree with him, perhaps they both know not to bother, he imagines it is the latter.
"I know" He says with a nod, "And I know you brought me back last time, but this is different"
"It is" Ed agrees, "We're not gonna try and convince you, reckon your minds made up"
"It is" He says, stoically, or tries, but he can't help but crack a little, "I want to stay, I do, but I can't abandon her"
"Sam keeps Gilly here" Gren protests then, and Jon nods, he has recognised the similarity with a bitterness that has nothing to do with Sam and Gilly, "Why can't she stay?"
"You know why" They both nod then, they both do. Ser Alliser. They've turned a blind eye to Gilly, but with Sansa? Ser Alliser won't allow it out of pure spite alone.
"We'll miss you" Gren offers and he nods, feels a tension at his heart, but he knows, he knows Sansa would miss him more, in many ways.
Never a choice.
"As I will you" He offers, and he feels a clap on each shoulder. He's not the crying type but he feels a sting in his eyes, "You'll fight them off" He promises and then Ed laughs, and he knows he's rolling his eyes again.
"Go and get warm Jon" He says with a laugh again, "Leave us fuckers up here to freeze"
"I'd stay if I could" He feels some tension ease to see they both know that, they do, but he doesn't have a choice, not really.
He has often been in points in life without a choice, only one path in front of him, only one option, he loathes that it is that way now. He wishes he could just keep Sansa at the Wall, even for just a few weeks, to secure it, and then flee. But he knows he can't, and he knows the troubles at the Wall will span longer than a few weeks.
'Different roads sometimes lead to the same path…'
No choice, not now, not here. His brothers ride ahead then and he ticks forward, back into step with Sansa, who half asleep hasn't noticed he's gone. He can see her drifting off and so stays her horse with a hand, he's not encouraged that she doesn't even notice.
He jumps down from his horse then, ties it to Sansa's, before jumping onto Sansa's, jostling her a little bit as he slips in to sit behind her, to ensure she doesn't fall off. He sympathises with her, the journey is hard for most, for her she looks ready to crash to the floor.
"Jon?" She mumbles and he near laughs, clearly she had been half asleep, and so with a knock of his foot he urges the horses on, ensuring she is secure and safe in his hold, his arms circling her to take the reins.
"Shh Sansa" He says, and he feels a little warm at how quickly she settles down. Her trust in him … it's not something he expected, but it's certainly welcome, and he feels a little less tension again as she settles back against him, her back to his chest, her head falling back to tuck in under his chin with ease, no concerns, no holding back. She trusts him completely.
As he urges the horses forward, hoping to make the first village to camp within the hour, he knows he will ensure her trust isn't misplaced.
He will protect her, that is his vow now, and this one he won't break.
It takes them two days to make it back to the Wall, everyone more weary and less motivated to make it in a shorter time. They are all exhausted as they reach the gates, all ready for a hot meal and a good night's sleep. He continues to ride behind Sansa who has looked half asleep for most of the journey, her head tucked into his chest, her having turned to face him on the horse, having spent most of the slow trudge asleep and bundled into his arms.
He again feels that warmth at her trust in him, and that's what keeps him awake on little sleep as they make their way back to Castle Black.
The Wall is clear overhead now as the gate opens, and he feels a pang that soon this won't be his home, soon he won't be able to return here. Not a choice.
Gren and Ed had sat with him to eat the night before, both in solidarity. They knew why he had to do it, and they knew they couldn't change his mind. Not this time. Their acceptance makes it easier, a little, but it still hurts.
"Sansa" He nudges her slightly and she sleepily blinks. She looks better, but still tired. He thinks they'll have plenty of time to rest once they make it to Essos, and even on the journey there. Ugh, he hates boats. But for her he'll endure it.
He knows they won't close before, but it's not a question to him. She is family, a Stark, he has a duty to her, and as he looks down at her, opening her eyes, her gaze a little harder than it once had been, but full of trust for him, he knows he'd protect her with his life, no question.
"We're here" He nods at the Wall then and he notices her shiver as the creak of the gate indicates they are here, at the base of Castle Black, at his home, if not for much longer.
"Are we staying long?" She asks, and he can hear the guilt in her voice, and so he manages a smile, tense and tired as he is, morose at the idea of leaving, but wanting to reassure her.
"We leave at nightfall, which is in about four hours" He notices her eyes widen, and he urges the horse forward then, pulling her hood up higher to cover her hair, so bright against the snow. "They'll be eating dinner now, hurry inside, to my room, hide there, and then when it's dark we'll leave"
"I'm sorry Jon" She offers, and he shakes his head, that pang in his gut back – he's made his choice, though he barely had one.
"Don't apologise" He says, and then tries for some humour, "You know if I don't look after you Father's ghost will come back and murder me"
She lets out a giggle then and a small smile, but he knows she needs more, he wonders then - when did he become so intune with Sansa's emotions? It helps of course but he finds it strange, he's not an emotional person, not particularly clued in on people's feelings, why Sansa's?
"I'll protect you I promise" She nods, trusts him, "Why don't you pack as much as you can whilst you wait? Check my desk, my cupboards, pack anything of value or us" She nods, clearly wanting to be useful, hence he suggested it. He needs to say goodbye, to Pyp and Sam, they'll understand too, but no one else.
They soon reach the courtyard, and then they are dismounting and Sansa hurries away, Ghost at her heels, inside before the brothers come out to greet them, he is glad for her trust, and knows he will honour it.
She is his vow now, for this night, and all the nights to come.
He greets his brothers, bringing news of their success before heading in for food. He sits next to Sam, opposite Pyp, and tries to be present, not distracted, for his last meal with his brothers.
He's made his choice, as limited as it was, and though he feels guilty, almost like a failure, to give up on his vows, he only needs to think of Sansa and his resolve hardens. He will protect her, she is his vow now.
sooo thoughts?
how precious is my bby boi jon? do remember he is more book jon than show jon here, he's not after the iron throne but he knows his politics and has some ambition, he ain't no pushover!
this chapter was a little more filler but I needed them to get back to the wall and want to keep establishing the jonsa feels. did you like?
as always pls follow/fav and review if you enjoyed (or didn't! just be nice)
speak soon