authorsnote: bum du du dummmmm! an update is here!
I do hope you enjoy this, let me know your thoughts!
songrecs: save your tears - the weeknd/ariana grande
He comes when night falls.
She has sat around for hours. She'd ran to his room, Ghost trotting in behind her, had locked the door, huddled under the covers, the great white Direwolf standing guard (before jumping not the bed and lolling in her lap), as she waited, and waited, and waited.
She felt like she waited forever.
She knew Jon would come, she knew he'd committed to their plan, she had no doubt. He was just saying goodbye, without saying goodbye. She felt a twinge of guilt again, but it was easy to push away when she considered going on without him.
She couldn't do it, not anymore. She was so tired, scared, cold. She couldn't go on alone, she needed someone, she needed family … she needed Jon.
No, she'd come this far alone. Survived the evils of Kings Landing, of Joffrey, Cersei, Tywin, of that evil place filled with liars and snakes. She'd survived her escape, her run to the Wall, the cold of the outpost of the Nights Watch. She'd survived Crasters, Locke, she'd survived it all, and most of it alone, but not anymore, not without Jon.
She needed him … and in an odd sense she felt he needed her.
She could see he carried the guilt of not going to Robb, and she could see that was part of the reason he'd agreed to break his vow for her. He needed to protect her, to fight for the Stark's, and she was giving that to him. Still, even that justification didn't absolve her of all her guilt, for making Jon, honourable Jon, their Father's son, break his vow, nothing would, nothing could.
But she was too selfish to tell him to stay, that she'd be fine, that she'd make it alone. She needed him, and perhaps she was right, perhaps in a way, he needed her, she hoped he did, that he needed her.
He needed her, as she needed him, for whatever came next, for whatever would come next.
For that she had no idea.
Going East was the best idea she'd had, what else could they do? The North was a not possible, she felt a horrible pang for her home, for Winterfell, it's strong walls, snow covered paths and where the Stark banner had once flown, but that was in the hands of the Bolton's now, who'd see Jon dead and her likely married off to strengthen their claim. No, the North was out of bounds … for now at least.
The South was possibly worse, she knew the Lannister's would love nothing more than to get her in their grasp again, back in the snake pit. They wouldn't kill her (but would Jon in a heartbeat she knows), she was too valuable, but she would never escape again. No, she'd die before she returned to King's Landing, to her gilded cage.
And where else was there? It almost felt like she was back on the boat at the docks, deciding where to go. Dorne? The Martel's couldn't be trusted. Iron Islands? Possibly the worst of all. Summer Isles? Too unknown. The Vale? To her Aunt? She knew Jon wouldn't be welcome. And so, where did that leave? Where did that leave them?
East.
She'd never been across the sea, but she knew it would be warm, different, and that was key. They could hide, they could use the money they had (and she'd knew how much her jewels were worth, they'd be okay), and lose themselves amongst the Essosi people, be unknown, be hidden, be obscure. For what other choice did they have?
None, no other choice. She'd love to stay and fight, take back Winterfell, fly the Stark banner high again and dare Cersei Lannister to march her Southern soldiers into the snow. She'd love to cut the Bolton's out of her home, rule side by side with Jon, take back the North, from all those who'd stolen from them and reaffirm the Stark name, strong and proud in the walls of Winterfell.
She felt it like a compulsion in her blood, to take back her home, to take back Winterfell, to fly the Stark name again, but she knew it was impossible.
She was a wanted woman, and soon Jon would be a wanted man. They had no armies, some money yes but not wealth. No friends or allies, nothing. They had no hope of getting back their home, they had so little. They were practically going into exile, until perhaps something changed, though what would change enough for them to come home victorious she had no idea.
No, they were going into exile, and perhaps that was all they would do. Perhaps they'd live out their days in Essos, perhaps they'd been found and killed, she didn't know.
But she felt some strength, some hope, for she wouldn't be doing it alone, she wouldn't. And as the door pushed open, and Jon stepped inside, she gave him a smile, which he returned, though strained, she still felt that hum of hope in her belly, that little fraction of contentment and even a little happiness that no matter what came next, no matter what was coming, she wouldn't have to face it alone.
"Are you ready?" He asked, and she glanced outside then, at the dark sky, at the snow fall, at the empty courtyard. She'd fallen deep in thought, for hours even, thankfully she'd packed first, but she realises then; it's time to go.
For Jon to leave his home…
"Jon I'm sorry" She says as she stands, handing him his bag, taking hers too, and a blanket each, for the horses they plan to steal, her cheeks go a little pink then, another stain she is forcing on Jon's honour. "I really am"
"Don't be" He sounds so sure she almost believes he has no regret in leaving, she wishes she didn't have to make him, but she is too weak to say no, "I've made my choice"
"Didn't I force it to you?" She asked, her voice dropping to a whisper then, and what Jon did next, she didn't entirely expect.
His hand found the back of her neck, and he leaned in, placing a kiss to her forehead. Of course she leaned in too, the affection Jon shows her the only kind she'd ever be willing to accept now, as she leans in, her eyes fluttering shut for a moment, as she feels a warmth radiate through her, especially as Jon speaks.
"I'll protect you" He promises, and she knows it's not empty, she knows it is true, he already has, he will, "Because I choose too" She feels warmer then, lighter, and as he draws back and her eyes open she manages a proper smile.
The guilt won't go away, maybe not ever, but she does feel easier then, as she smiles at Jon, and she can't resist pulling him into a hug, a thank you almost, not only for what he is doing for her, but how he is making it easy on her.
"We'll protect each other" She promises again, her promise to him, she will protect him, in anyway she can, she promises herself that, and the Old Gods, if they are even listening.
'I will protect him' She sends up the prayer as Jon holds her for a moment, knowing they'll be no time for contemplation or pausing when they leave, they'll have a few hours before people notice they're gone, they'll have to ride hard and fast. 'With my life if necessary, I will' She promises, to the Old Gods, as if she has any faith left it does remain with them. She feels a shiver then up her spine, as Jon pulls away.
"Let's go" He says then, his eyes growing harder, and she nods, picking up her bag, giving Ghost a nudge as he trots ahead. She pulls her hood up, grabs her blanket and hurries behind Jon as he runs forward.
He unlocks the horses silently, leads them to the gate, she wonders then, what he's planned to not alert the guardsman? But she can see it's his friend – Gren was it? And Ed, and Pyp too, and she see's Sam then, all manning the gate, opening it for them as they sneak through, though Jon does pause to turn back, just to offer his brothers a smile, for their acceptance, for their help, he gives them a nod, she just smiles, but nothing more. She knows she's taking Jon away from them, she knows they won't want her thanks, even if she wants to give it.
Still, they stand with them almost, smiling, bittersweet, as Jon leads the horses through, and climbs atop his, to which she follows jumping onto hers, Ghost a little while next to them, so not to spook the horses. She spreads her blanket down the back, as Jon does too his, secures their bags and then they are ready, ready to go.
Ready to leave Jon's home, into the unknown, both wanted on the road, but at least it is them, at least they are together, not alone.
'I'll protect him' She promises again, as his brothers nod him off, as Jon offers her a smile, and spurs his horse, as she follows his lead, into the dark night, the snow falling as they urge their horses forward, away from Castle Black, away from relative safety, further away from Winterfell again, and towards the East.
The journey to Eastwatch by the Sea is not as brutal as going Beyond the Wall, but it is still unpleasant, for different reasons.
In the pack of brothers, they'd been protected, they'd had warmer blankets, more rations. They have some here but little, he didn't want to take too much, couldn't stand the idea of stealing from his brothers, when they had so little already, but it did mean they were now suffering.
For the first day they'd plodded along in relative silence, his mind is stuck on his brothers, on Castle Black, on the vow he has now broken. He feels sick to his stomach to think of himself as that – oathbreaker, traitor. It hurts, even when he'd had the goodbye with his friends, standing sentry at the gates, supporting his decision.
It still hurts, it still in some ways feels wrong, even though he knows he's made the choice, and that there wasn't ever really one in the first place.
Sansa needs him more, Sansa is his family, by blood and love. He has promised to protect her, and so protect her he will, above all else. Even his own vows, even his brothers, even his honour.
Still, he is quiet, brooding. Sansa is quiet too, and he knows she feels guilty, he's tried to reassure her and will keep trying, but he's not quite up to it now, when so weighed down with his own guilt, his own worries. For now, he can't bring it in him to try and cheer her up, even though he wants to, and so they just move along in silence, Ghost at least having some fun, chasing down hares and rabbits, at least someone is having a good time.
For hours it goes that way, hours, and hours, they go along in the dark. They stay close, and when all light is gone he actually jumps down from his horse, as the lights from Castle Black die in the distance, he jumps down and finds Sansa's horse, and pulls it close, looping some rope through the saddle.
"Is everything okay?" Sansa whispers and he almost smiles, they're far enough away now they don't' need to whisper, he understands why she does though.
They'd left at evening, but now night has fallen, nevermind the cold, it's dark, very dark, the lights from Castle Black long faded, and he didn't dare light torches in case people were already looking. He can just make Sansa out, and Ghost's red eyes practically light him up in the darkness, but the horses are hard to find, but he manages it.
"Fine" He says back, also dropping his voice, as he loops the rope through his saddle then, tying the two horses together, not so much they can't move, but enough they won't lose one another in the dark.
He knows it's wiser to ride in the dark, they've got a huge head start for when the brothers wake up and see them gone, but it is certainly less practical.
Still, he manages to tie them together, jumps back on his and spurs them forward. They can't put the horses to a sprint in the dark, but they trot along, and he feels relaxed that he knows Sansa is close by. He's not worried per say, there's no one around her for miles, the wildlings won't have sent another party, not so soon, and Ghost will take care of any wildlife, no, there's no real dangers.
And yet, they are so exposed, out in the cold and the dark, with Sansa to protect, with his brothers left behind, he certainly feels vulnerable, more so than he can last remember.
And so they don't talk, mainly because puncturing the air with any sound feels like a bad idea, but he knows Sansa is wallowing, he's brooding, not a great combination for a conversation, and so they stick with silence, as they ride along in the darkness, as snow begins to fall.
He wants to make an effort, for he knows Sansa is floundering in her guilt, he wants to reassure, to act as though everything is okay, but he can't, not now, not with Castle Black barely behind them.
"Will we make camp?" Sansa asks, several hours later, though it looks hardly different. What he can make out is much the same; green fields capped with snow, trees, general abandonment and the Wall, ever persistent, running next to them, cold and imposing.
"In a while" Is all he offers, and she nods and falls silent again. He almost speaks then… almost, but he can't find it in him, and silence lapses again.
An hour later again he does stop them, huddling them under the Wall, as he pulls out his waterskin. They both drink deep, eat some bread, he checks the ties on the horses, and they do all of it completely silent. But then, it's Sansa, braver than he, who speaks first.
"Are you okay?" She whispers again, and he can see why, the night here is eerie at best.
"Yes" He says with a nod, but as she falls silent again, he is compelled to say something, "I am, I'm just focused, are you okay?" He asks, and finds her shoulder, places a hand on it in comfort. He knows she's upset, feels guilty, he shouldn't make it worse; he doesn't mean to, and he was truthful, he doesn't regret his choice, but that doesn't make it easy.
"I am" She says with a nod, and her hand finds his, takes it, curls their fingers and he feels something in him relax, something in him unclench, ease, and he nods too, and pulls her then into a hug, as it feels the most natural thing to do.
"I'm sorry" He offers, for he is, for giving her a bit of a cold shoulder. Again, he didn't mean to, but he'll miss his brothers, he feels awful for walking away when they need him, but he also knows Sansa needs him more.
"Don't be" She protests, wrapping her arms around him, burying her face in his neck, pulling him close. He feels warmer with her there and he feels both their shoulders sag, some amount of tension leaving them both, though he remains alert, he doesn't feel so tense now, and for that he is thankful. "I understand why you're upset" She says, and he nods.
"I don't regret it" He speaks it like a promise, perhaps it is, "But I'll miss them" He says, and her nod makes him feel better again. Of course, it's more than that, more than just leaving friends, it's leaving his post, his vows, his honour, but he doesn't want to make Sansa feel bad, he made his choice, he'll stand by it, no need for Sansa to share the burden of that with him.
It was his choice, not hers, and he will hold it alone.
"You don't?" The reassurance she seeks tugs on his heart and he vows to not let her see the effect leaving is having on him, he can feel it, but hide it, he doesn't want her to hurt, not from him, not if he can stop it, which he will.
"Never" He promises, and he feels her relax then, almost sag as though tired, as though his words unknot the tension she holds, as though she needed to hear them, which he thinks she did.
"Come on" He says, and leads her to his horse then, "You can ride in front and get some sleep" With the horses tethered, and the slow pace they should be fine, and he knows Sansa is tired, so much so she doesn't protest and instead he helps her onto his horse, though she does pause when he jumps up behind her.
"But when will you sleep?" She asks, concerned and he finds himself smiling for her concern.
"When we reach Eastwatch, I won't be able to anyway, not until we're safe" He says, and he can hear her want to protest, but then he pulls her a little closer, finds the reigns and urges the horse on, Ghost silent but following at a distance, and he can feel her sag, feel her tiredness, and so she just nods, falls back against his chest, and he smiles to himself when in seconds she's asleep.
It warms him that she trusts him so, to fall asleep so readily, to know he'll protect her, which he will, that is his vow now, and as he looks ahead, and they slowly pick their way to Eastwatch, he will, above all else, and that keeps him going long into the night, to the East.
soooo thoughts?
bit of filler ik, buuuuut the next chapter will be a big one! and the one after that, so be prepared!
I do hope you enjoyed, do leave a review with your thoughts - they are alway appreciated!
fav/follow for updates and speak soon