authorsnote: damn this chapter made me feel tense!
I do hope you enjoy, our heroes aren't out of the woods and won't be for a while!
also I have had A LOT of people asking where jon/sansa are going, what the plan is, and I'll say ... you'll have to wait and see! mwahahaha
anywho, do review, fav/follow, and most important of all - enjoy!
songrecs: breathin - ariana grande (shameless plug here, I do have a jonsa fic set to this song, called Breathin, do check it out on my page if ya like!)
This boat ride felt different than the one she'd taken North, for many reasons.
First, they were going South, onto the Vale to stop to resupply and then East, East, as they had promised one another, as they took themselves into exile, to safety.
Second, it was a rougher journey, the seas a little choppier, the weather a bit harsher. She was thankful the Captain seemed experienced (from the glimpses she'd caught of the deck), as surely a less weathered Captain wouldn't have seen them through the troubles he had.
Third, she was with Jon…
Or was she?
As soon as they had pulled out of Eastwatches Bay, he had hurried them downstairs into the cabin, Ghost had circled twice before sitting down to guard the now closed door, and Jon had searched the small area, not saying a word until he gave her a nod, presumably to indicate everything was fine, though as the days passed, she could see it clearly wasn't.
Three days into their journey they were, and though Sansa knew it was better to stay in the cabin, only emerging onto deck late into the night with only the Captain at the helm and everyone else asleep, she was getting restless. But that would have been fine, she would have hidden away, in another cage, this one wooden instead of gilded yes, but she would have accepted it, had Jon been with her.
Of course, physically he was. He rarely left her side, and when he needed to, either to speak to the Captain or anything else Ghost was at her skirts, never allowing anyone near (not that she'd really seen any of the other passengers, and for that she was thankful). So, yes Jon was with her, but he wasn't present, not really.
He was far away, didn't speak much and looked constantly consumed with guilt. She knew why of course, it wasn't hard to guess how hard leaving his brothers had been on him, and Sansa couldn't help but feel responsible, for she was the reason he'd broken his vows. He had reassured her of course, many times that he had made the right choice, that he wanted to go with her, to protect her, and she knew that, but she knew she'd made him choose, and it wasn't fair.
Her fault, all hers, couldn't she do anything right?!
He had broken his vows, and she knew how seriously he took those, his honour, just like Father had, and she'd made him stain his. His guilt was little compared to hers; she was just better at hiding it.
That was something she'd noted, for all she'd done over the past three days had been watch Jon, push her food about her plate, stroke Ghost and think. Think, think, think.
Think about her journey, what had taken her here, from Winterfell, then to the golden walls of Kings Landing, then onto the cold of Castle Black, and now here, at sea, with Jon by her side, alone in the world, running away to exile. Life had not turned out as she had planned.
But as much as she spent her time thinking Jon was doing the same, or perhaps brooding. He talked little and Sansa had no idea what to do. Part of her wanted to shake his shoulders, ask him to talk to her, apologise 50 times, but she had no idea. She already felt guilty enough, trying to reassure Jon seemed impossible when her own head was filled with worry and doubt.
And so, that night as she climbed into the single bed next to him (closest to the wall, Jon insisted on taking the space closest to the door, Ghost in front of it), Sansa knew she had to do something. It had been three days and she was on the verge of tears or screaming, or perhaps both.
"J…" She began.
"S…" He had started.
She turned her head to look at him, breaking into a smile for the first time since they'd boarded the boat, realising they'd both tried to speak at the same time. She nodded for Jon to go first, and was pleased when he actually spoke, smiling a little too, though he still looked strained.
"I'm sorry I haven't been talkative" He offered, and she nodded, she wanted to tell him he didn't need to apologise but he continued on, "I'm just adjusting"
She nodded again, "I understand" And he smiled then, taking her hand in his, he knew she did understand after all. The past few years of her life had been constant adjustment, Winterfell, Kings Landing, the North, constant change, though she supposed it was harder for Jon, such an abrupt change from something he'd known for so long, "Do you miss it?"
"In a way" He said, and she felt encouraged as he turned to face her and she him, hardly any space between them, hands still linked, "I miss my brothers, the cause we fought for" She nodded to encourage him, sensing he needed to get this out, that it was good for him to talk about it. For her it had been the opposite, she hadn't wanted to speak about her experiences, not really, even though she had confided in Jon, perhaps it was the opposite for him.
"I don't miss the food" He joked, and she smiled harder than she had in days, to see him joke, to smile even a touch, even if it was bitter, it warmed her heart. She hated seeing Jon sad, more than she had realised.
"Or Ser Allister" She joked back, and his smile grew. Again she felt that warmth, that she'd cheered him up, that she'd done something right. Her guilt eased a touch, but only a touch.
"I am sorry" She said, though she had promised herself she'd let him talk, let him get through what was upsetting him, she couldn't stop herself, her guilt was too much.
"Hey" He said, and then his hand was cupping her cheek and tears were biting at her eyes and then spilling over before she had even realised, "No, don't be sorry" He said, his thumb moving to smooth a tear away, which she leaned into.
It was so confusing, as her guilt ate at her, for taking him away from his life, and yet she was so happy to have him with her. It hurt her head trying to figure it out, and it hurt more when Jon had been distant.
Selfish, she was so selfish, and the guilt just intensified.
"Stop" Jon said, and he wiped at her tears then, gently rubbing over her eyes so her vision cleared to look at him, right next to her, where she needed him, "Stop getting in your own head. You didn't force this on me Sansa, I made my choice"
"But I made you leave" She whispered then, the tears still coming, but Jon wiped and wiped them away, "I forced you"
He shook his head, and the confidence in his words lifted her a little, "No, I chose to leave, I chose you, and I would again, every time Sansa, every time"
"Really?" She asked, and she felt something ease in her heart as without hesitation he nodded, and then leaned in to place a kiss to her forehead. Something eased deep inside of her, and she found herself leaning in, before Jon pulled her close, to tuck under his chin, her head on his chest.
"Really" He said, and for the first time in days she felt tired, having been too het up and worried to properly sleep. Jon's words alone had eased her, and as he tucked her closer, she found her eyelids drooping, drooping low, how had his words made her feel so better, so quickly?
Because he was Jon, the most important person in the world to her now, and he knew just what to say.
"Sleep now" He said, "Sleep, and never doubt Sansa that this was my choice" She found herself nodding, the guilt hadn't disappeared, but it felt like it was no longer clasped around her heart, and Jon seemed more at ease too, his hand stroking through her hair, his eyes drooping too.
Something in both of them felt lighter, warmer, as sleep stole over them, and they clutched one another through the night, never faltering.
She could see the coast ahead.
Beside her she could feel Jon tense up and she placed a hand on his arm. It was night, only the Captain stood on deck and two ships helpers, all ignoring them. Her hood was up, and Ghost lay at her feet. No harm would come to them here, that she was sure of.
Though, once they docked, she wasn't so sure.
She knew Jon would be fine. He would be in danger in the North or at the Wall, but the South didn't care about deserters from the Watch. Usually, any deserters wouldn't make it this far, they wouldn't even be looking for him, likely assuming he was still tracking on foot through the snow. Ghost made them a bit more noticeable, but Sansa wasn't worried about Jon being noticed or stalked.
She however knew it was different for her.
Her hood remained pulled over her hair; too distinctive, and though the Vale wasn't the Crown of Westerlands, she knew it was too close. She had no doubt people would be looking for her here, the Lannister's would want their prize back. It wasn't flattery but logic that made her know their would be a bounty on her head, likely a sizeable one.
She had never fully grasped whilst in Kings Landing just how politically important, she was. With Robb dead, she was the heir to the North, the Last Stark, and anyone who wanted to be a legitimate ruler in Winterfell would find it much easier with her as their bride. She remembered the whispers of her marriage before she had fled. Yes, that had been the Lannister's plan.
But she wouldn't let them have her then, and she wouldn't now. Never again.
She'd would rather die, in fact she would die before she let them take her back to Kings Landing, that she had long ago decided. She'd jump from the side of the ship or throw herself from a rampart before she went back to the gilded cage of the Capitol.
Never again. She would not be a prisoner.
"Sansa" She turned, to see Jon's hand now resting over hers, calming her, she didn't realise she was trembling, shaking like a leaf and not because of the cold night air. "I won't let anyone hurt you"
She nodded, but she knew Jon couldn't make that promise, no one could.
"I swear it" His finger nudged under her chin, forcing her gaze up to him before he pulled her close into a hug, she went easily into his embrace, and as he held her tight, her shaking stopped, "I promise" He repeated again and again, and this time when she nodded she felt more sure.
"We'll protect each other" She said, pulling back a little to look at Jon's face, "We will"
He nodded and pulled her back close and with a small sigh she managed to settle a little, they would protect one another, and as the Vale grew closer and closer Sansa vowed that to herself.
Once again she was thankful to Jon, for being here with her, for taking care of her. She couldn't imagine how hard this journey would have been alone. She knew he felt some guilt, was finding it perhaps more difficult than she but she understood. She was still thankful.
"Prepare the ship for dock!" The Captain bellowed and before the deck could swarm with people, she was following Jon without protest back to their cabin, Ghost running ahead first, preparing to hide them.
She hasn't thought what their plan was - she knew they couldn't get off the ship, but what if it was inspected? She followed Jon though without a word, and only when he hurried her inside and bolted the door behind them, Ghost taking a stance to guard did she turn to him.
"What do we do?" She asked, as she heard the grind of the oars and knew soon, they'd be docked and if the boat was searched by soldiers they could be in trouble.
"We stay here" Jon said with a nod, "Getting off would be foolish. It's unlikely a ship from the Wall to the Vale will be inspected but it may be, if so we'll hide" The room was small but she could see some hiding spots and so she nodded, though her trembling had resumed.
"We'll be okay" Jon said, his voice gruff, "Once we get through this it's straight on to Bravos"
She nodded and sat herself down on the bed covers, and Jon soon sat down next to her, arm around her shoulders. She leaned into him readily and though part of her hated herself for being so needy and weak, she wouldn't refuse the comfort.
Ever since they had sailed South, she had felt worse, almost like the air had changed once they'd crossed the Neck. She didn't want to be here, back in the part of Westeros where she'd been a prisoner. The air felt changed, and she knew Jon hated it too, having become even more Northern during his stint at the Wall. Neither of them felt comfortable in the South, neither of them wanted to be here.
"Inspection" The voice of the Captain rung overhead loud, and Sansa felt panic clench in her stomach, her eyes widening, like a deer in front of a torch, she felt an urge to bolt, and yet where could she go?
"Fuck" Her cheeks pinked as she heard Jon's coarse language, but that was the least of their worries. Jon had leapt to his feet, and opened the door, stepping outside, but he was back in seconds, and pulling her too her feet.
"They're aboard get underneath the bed" He said, and she nodded, moving without hesitation. She trusted Jon, and did so with her life, and so she quickly wriggled under the bed, and made enough room for Jon to follow, and yet he didn't, it was Ghost who squeezed into the space next to her. "Stay quiet, do not move, even if you hear fighting"
"Jon what?" She asked, but he interrupted before she could question further.
"The cabins clearly in use, but you're too recognisable" He said, and she nodded, though he couldn't see her. Ghost flattened next to her, and she buried her face into his white fur, which he accepted without protest. The panic had risen to her throat and was near unbearable, not for herself now, but for Jon. "Stay there Sansa, do not move" She nodded again, more to herself this time.
She felt fear sweep over her. Jon … what would she do without him? The idea of him being taken away made her want to be sick, made her want to yell, and yet as the door swung open hard, she only buried her face further into Ghost's coat, knowing she needed to be silent, she would be silent, as Jon had asked her.
Silence… she had learned that well in King's Landing, and yet the urge to yell, to grab Jon and run, it was near overwhelming, more so than anything else, she had to work to stay still and quiet, silent.
"Reason for travel" She was thankful the soldier sounded almost bored.
"Recruiting" Jon said, his tone gruff, and she thanked the gods for his smarts, he looked too much like a Northerner to get away with anything else, and his clothes remained black. It occurred to her once they reached Essos it would be wise to change their appearances … if they made it there. "Over to Essos to buy supplies and then down to Kings Landing to clear the dungeons"
"Good luck" The soldier scoffed, "The scum in the black cells can barely hold a sword" He mocked.
"We'll take what we can get" Jon offered, his accent harsh, his tone not friendly.
"Of course, you will" The soldier mocked, "The Wall's hardly prestigious now is it, rapists and thieves I hear"
Indignation slid up her spine, she was thankful Jon had a cooler temper as he responded, "Anything else?" She could hear the grit in his teeth but was thankful he didn't rise to the soldier.
"We're looking for a girl" The soldier said then, his tone a touch more formal, and Sansa tensed. Ghost stirred next to her too, as though he could hear the soldier too. "Noble born, red hair, pretty, tall" She was holding her breath now, completely tense all over, not moving a muscle, "I doubt you'll cross paths with the likes of her, but have you seen anyone matching that description?"
A pause, and Sansa felt she might be sick, her stomach writhed, her hands would have shaken had she not sunk them into Ghost's fur.
She couldn't go back, she wouldn't go back, not ever again.
"Don't come across many of noble birth" Jon said, and the way he spoke was as casual as ever, he was good she realised, better than she'd thought at lying, she didn't know whether to be pleased or concerned, but pleased won out as he continued, "Nor many girls up at the Wall" He mocked.
"True" The soldier said, and yet Sansa didn't breathe out, didn't move, not even as she heard him walking back to the door, "But if you do there's a large reward out for her, 50,000 gold dragons" He said, and she hoped Jon would look surprised, she herself felt it, that was an unprecedented amount of money, and she felt worry curl in her stomach at just how far the Lannister's were willing to go to get her back.
She was far more important than she'd thought, and that made their journey even more dangerous.
"If I see her, I'll be sure to collect" Jon said, tone clipped, "That's an awful lot of cloaks and swords for the Wall"
The soldier laughed, and then with a thud the door shut, and Sansa let out a breath, went to move, to wriggle out and embrace Jon as soon as she could, but before she'd shifted an inch, she heard Jon whisper under his breath, hurriedly, "Don't move"
He was right, as the door swung back open not two seconds later, "One last thing, there's also rumour of a deserter from the Nights Watch coming South for whatever reason, heard about that?"
She could feel Jon tense, Ghost too. Damn, how much did they know?
"Deserters aren't uncommon" He sneered, putting enough in his tone of disdain for deserters as they were viewed on the wall, and the guilt curled in her stomach again; as he'd be viewed now, "Probably coming to get warm" He mocked, "Be assured if I find him, or any other leaving the Wall, I'll take their heads before reporting them"
"Good man" The soldier said, and then the door swung shut. She didn't move this time, she remained still, tense, until she heard the lock turn in the door, the Captain bellow out, "To sea!" And the thud of boots going off the ship, back to land, back to Westeros, where they were going not.
Ghost quickly moved out from under the bed, and before she could move herself Jon was pulling her out, up, looking over her as though worried she was hurt, and then she was in his arms. She realised he was shaking, as was she. She wound her arms around him, and he held her tight and close, their trembling calming as they embraced.
They gripped one another like they were gripping a plank of wood and they were stranded at sea. It was desperate, needy, full of fear, full of worry at almost being taken away from one another.
Too many close calls.
"It's okay" Jon said, and she noted he was reassuring himself just as much as her, they both needed it, "We're okay"
They felt the boat part from the dock then and Sansa let out a bigger sigh of relief, but she didn't move from Jon's embrace, nor did he, they just kept ahold of one another, even as they rowed out far enough to see to breathe.
They were okay, they were.
For now.
sooo thoughts?
the lannister's are on the lookout! and trust me, they won't stop!
I do hope you enjoyed, this chapter was tense and angsty, but that's the story for ya! I love me some angst, and if you're a regular reader you'll be well aware of that by now.
still, there will be fluff in this story amongst the crippling tension and angst, I promise!
as always review and tell me ya thoughts and do fav/follow for updates!
speak soon