AN: I don't own it if you recognize it. In fact if you don't recognize it I probably don't own it either.

Chapter 7 A Funny Thing Happened To Me….

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

Remus and Snape returned to their respective homes, each knowing exactly what they were going to do.

Snape and Alexis were cuddled on the couch, the boys were in their crib and Alexis was feeling frisky, "How about I tell you about my dream?" Snape didn't respond. Alexis squeezed his thigh, "Severus, how about I tell you about the dream I had last night?" Alexis moved her hand higher.

Snape, looked down at her, "Did you say something?"

Alexis pulled away and looked at him puzzled, "Is something wrong, Severus?"

"Of course not, why do you ask?" Snape replied.

"You just seem distracted," Alexis' look was concerned.

"I was just thinking about something," Severus said evasively.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Alexis rubbed his leg comfortingly.

Snape gave her a considering look, "It isn't something I should probably discuss with you."

"Severus Snape, you can talk to me about anything," Alexis told him, "I want open communication between us so that we can work out any issues before they become problems."

Snape pursed his lips, "Well, if you are sure?" he started. At Alexis' encouraging nod, he continued, "I wasn't completely honest with you last night."

"About what?" Alexis asked.

"When I told you the dancers were amateurish and that I was disappointed," Snape confessed.

Alexis smiled at him, "Why would you lie about something like that?"

"I didn't want you to feel jealous," Alexis's smiled broadened, "or inferior," Snape continued.

The smile was wiped off of Alexis' face, "Inferior? Why would I feel inferior?"

"The dancers were very good. I don't think I've ever seen any as talented as they are. There was one wearing red and gold feathers who…" Snape's voice trailed off and he just shook his head.

"What about her?" Alexis' voice had sharpened.

"She did moves; she must have used magic to make some of those dance moves without hurting herself. Now the one in green and silver feathers, well she was adequate. But nothing compared to the red bird. I asked the green bird to give me a lap dance, but I really wished I had waited until the red bird had finished with Lupin. Not that I didn't get my money's worth from the green bird, but I just can't help but wondering what the red bird would have done," Snape was watching Alexis from the corner of his eye and trying not to smirk.

Alexis was looking torn, "Why don't you tell me what the red slut did and I bet I could do better?"

"I couldn't ask you to do that," Snape told her, "You just had a baby and she was much younger than you and in better shape. Not that there is anything wrong with your shape," Snape hastened to add.

"How much younger? She couldn't have been too much younger and it be legal?" Alexis was getting irritated.

"You are correct, she probably wasn't that much younger than you are," Snape paused, "You just look a lot older than she did."

"So now I look like an old out-of-shape hag?" Alexis asked indignantly.

"Not at all," Snape hastened to assure her, "And this is why I didn't want to talk to you about it."

Alexis took a calming breath, "No, I want you to feel free to talk to me about anything. I also want to know exactly what she did that turned you on so much because I am going to do it and do it better and knock every thought of her out of your head."

"If you insist," Snape allowed, "You will need some feathers, a g-string, pasties and whipped cream."

Alexis had nodded up until the whipped cream. But she couldn't say anything because she wasn't supposed to have been there.

Snape helped by transfiguring some things into feathers while Alexis fixed up the rest of the outfit. Slinky, the house elf, was able to provide them with a large bowl of whipped cream.

"What are we going to do for music?" Alexis asked.

"Just improvise," he instructed.

"How?"

"You know just hum?"

"You want me to hum stripper music?" Alexis was incredulous.

"Unless you have a better suggestion?" Snape smirked.

"How about you hum and I dance?" Alexis tried.

Snape appeared to think about it for a minute, "That would be entirely too distracting. If you don't want to try it I understand. The red bird is a hard act to follow."

"Humph! I'll show you an act you won't soon forget. Sit down, shut up, and watch this," Alexis commanded as she shoved Snape onto the sofa.

She disappeared into the bedroom and came out a few minutes later wearing the transfigured bird costume. She was humming and singing, "Bah, bah, bah, bump, ditty, bump," as she strutted into the room with hips swinging and feathers swaying.

Snape sat back to watch the show. Alexis stopped in front of him with a shimmy and began to move and dip so that interesting bits of her anatomy would flash into view through the feathers. Snape yawned. Alexis stopped abruptly, "What?"

"Well," Snape voice was as apologetic as it got, meaning not very, "don't you think that's a bit overdone? I mean what the red bird did was much more original."

Alexis had murder in her eyes as she started singing and humming and dancing again. This time she was flashing a lot more than a view of her body and Snape was having a hard time not showing any response. A very hard time.

Alexis was getting desperate. She was trying to remember what Amber had done that might have caught and held Snape's attention so much. She tried the high kick and twirl that Amber had done and grinned as Snape leaned forward.

Her grin quickly turned to a scowl as Snape picked up a magazine off the floor and began to leaf through it. "Severus," she was surprised to hear the note of pleading in her voice.

"Oh, sorry dear, weren't you finished?" Snape asked.

"I want to know what Amber did that you found so enticing. Then I am going to do it and do it better until you say Amber who?" Alexis had walked up until and leaned over until she was inches away from his face. Bad move. Snape reached out and grabbed her and pulled her into his lap.

"What's this about Amber?" he inquired with a wicked smirk.

"Did I say Amber? I meant ambidextrously do…oh shite, you know don't you?" Alexis was pouting.

"Know what? Is there something you want to confess… I mean tell me?" Snape sneered.

"Shut up you great git," Alexis leaned back against his chest with her arms crossed and blew a feather out of her face, "How long have you known?"

"Since you crawled onto my lap that night," Snape embellished with a straight face.

"Liar," Alexis accused. "You suspected but then we threw you off the scent with the dancer doubles," Alexis stated.

"Let's just say a little bird told me," Snape nuzzled her neck. "Now, how are you going to make this up to me?"

"What do I have to make up to you?" Alexis asked indignantly.

"Do you want it in alphabetical order or by order of importance?" Snape asked studiously.

"That much?" Alexis grinned back at him. At his slow nod of agreement, "What do you have in mind?" She twisted on his lap so that now she was straddling him, "How about a real lap dance? Since you already paid for one?"

Snape leered, "That will be a good place to start." 'And,' he thought, 'Halloween is coming up and that is when I will teach you not to prank a snake.'

Remus returned home with a large box of Honeydukes chocolates and a big bunch of wild flowers he had picked along the road.

Amber was sitting on the sofa trying to knit a baby blanket when he got in. Handing her the flowers and the candy he gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Remus this is so sweet. What is the occasion?" Amber smiled as she got up to put the flowers in water.

"Oh, no reason, just to say thank you for putting up with me," Remus flushed guiltily.

"What do you mean put up with you?" Amber came back and put the vase with the flowers on the coffee table, "What have you done?" she asked suspiciously.

"Nothing dear," Remus stuttered.

"Look wolf boy, you better 'fess up and 'fess up now. Whatever it is, it cannot be as bad as what I would imagine," Amber was now standing toe to toe with Remus.

"Promise you won't get mad," Remus tried to bargain.

"It depends on what it is as to how mad I'll get. Now spill," Amber demanded.

"Well, the other night when I said the dancing girls were disappointing, I lied," Remus said in a rush.

"That's not so bad," Amber relaxed and began to open her box of chocolate.

"Yes, well there was one dancer who really was amazing. I couldn't believe some of the stuff she could do," Remus leered.

Amber grinned, "Tell me about it, maybe I can duplicate it for you. Only since you seemed to enjoy it so much," she quickly added.

"She did this twirly thing and then she bent her body in the most amazing ways," Remus watched the secret smile on Amber's face and went in for the kill, "and those green and silver feathers just seemed to beckon and… it is just hard to explain."

Amber stopped with a candy half way to her mouth, "Green feathers?"

"Yes, Snape had one in red feathers come and do a dance just for me and she was okay. Kind of average, you know nothing to write home about. But the one in green feathers, man she was something else. Snape paid her extra for a lap dance and all I could do was imagine it was me sitting there with that gorgeous creature in my lap."

"Really?" Amber bit viciously into the candy she held as if it were the head of a green bird.

"Yes, she was…words fail me," Remus was laying it on thick now, "I mean she had a body made for sin and moves that would make a stick stand up and take notice. Not that there is anything wrong with your body," Remus leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek, "after all you are a healer not a professional dancer: and you're pregnant."

Amber flopped down in a chair and scowled at Remus, "Are you saying that she has a better body than mine?"

"No not at all," Remus hastened to reassure her, "just a different body. You know more toned and muscular and maybe a little bigger in certain areas."

"Where, her ass?" Amber asked nastily.

"No, not her ass, well…her top," Remus closed his eyes and smiled as if he were remembering.

"You think she has bigger breasts than I do?" Amber asked indignantly.

"Well, yes dear, I do," Remus said apologetically, "I went back to see if I could get her to give me a lap dance, but she had already left for the night."

"You did what?" Amber's eyes were blazing.

Remus replied hesitantly, "I went back," gulping audibly, "but she was gone," he hastened to add.

"Of course she was gone, she was with me you nimrod and I'll have you know that Alexis and I are exactly the same size," Amber continued, "In fact we wear the same bra size, and I fill it up a little bit better. So there, I'm bigger than she is."

"What does this have to do with Alexis?" Remus asked silkily.

Amber looked up with the deer in the headlights look and she took a big bite of chocolate and shrugged as if she had no idea what he was talking about.

Remus approached the chair she sat in and leaned over placing one hand on each arm, effectively trapping her, "What does this have to do with Alexis?" he asked again.

"She was the bitch in the green feathers. Happy now! And what do you mean the red bird was just adequate. I would like to see Alexis try that back flip and end up in a split while being pregnant."

Remus kissed her on the nose, "The red bird was much sexier and a much better dancer than the green bird. In fact I don't even remember what the green bird did that night I was so busy focusing on the red bird."

Amber gave him a cross look, "Really?"

"Really, and if you and Alexis ever pull anything like that again, Severus and I are going to take turns giving you and Alexis the paddling you both deserve."

"Kinky," Amber teased and then turned serious. "If you and Severus every go to another strip club or have dancing girls come out of a cake again, Alexis and I are going to take turns hexing certain important parts of your and Severus' bodies."

Remus winced, "As long as you and Alexis agree no more male strippers?"

"Deal," Amber grinned, "Now how should we seal this deal?"

Remus scooped her and the chocolate up in his arms and headed to the bedroom, "I have a few ideas."