Disclaimer: I don't claim anything.

AN: This is a collaborative effort between me, Midnight Lily and Steve2.

Chapter 15 Return to Reality

No one ever went broke under-estimating the taste of the American public.

Mark Twain

Alexis poured Remus and Amber cups of tea before settling down beside Snape on the love seat in their quarters, "So, how was the Magic Kingdom?"

"Parts of it were amazing and others were frankly disappointing," Amber said. "The Haunted Mansion was perhaps the most disappointing. There weren't any ghosts but there were all these things that kept popping up and down. I asked one of the maids if the ghosts were on strike or something and she just looked at me as if I was crazy."

"The scariest place was the one called, It's a Small World," Remus couldn't control a shiver. "All those golems dancing and singing the same song over and over while you are trapped in a small boat."

"They had golems?" Snape asked.

"Yes, all over the place. I can't imagine the charms and wards they had to use to keep them contained. But I never saw any outside of the houses they had for them," Remus explained. "Each set of golems seemed to belong to a family and were contained within a special house. They let the guests ride in carts of various types through the houses and view them."

"Yes, and they must have captured every water sprite in America," Amber added.

"What do you mean?" Alexis looked puzzled.

"Some of the carts were actually boats that would float along by themselves. They either had them charmed or they had captured water sprites and were making them push the boats," Amber explained. "Although I did think that keeping all those animals under spells is cruel." At Snape's questioning look, "They have a tour of the jungle and they have bewitched elephants, apes, zebras and lots of other animals to stay around the river so the guests can view them. It makes the animals all stiff and fake looking."

"They did have the best preservations spells I have ever seen," Remus admitted. "The zombies they had in the Hall of Presidents were hardly decomposed at all. And they actually could enunciate clearly. Most of the time the tongue is so rotten you can't understand what a zombie is saying."

"Pomona would have loved the greenhouses at EPCOT," Remus said. "They were hydrophonic and the experiments they were doing were amazing. Hagrid and Charlie would have enjoyed the energy ride. They had the strangest looking dragons there. Only one of them had wings. I've never seen those species before."

"EPCOT had charmed water fountains. The water would actually dance to the music," Amber enthused. "Remus was trying to figure out what charm they had used and got splashed right in the face."

"At least I didn't scream at the Country Bear Jamboree," Remus nudged her.

"How was I to know the animal heads on the wall were charmed to talk and move? I've never even heard of a spell to re-animate animals much less make them talk," Amber defended herself.

"There were some things that we couldn't see because of Amber's pregnancy. Space Mountain was one. Not that I was all that interested in going into space. It would have been interesting to see what type of magic they used to get there though," Remus admitted.

"They also had something called Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, but it looked more like a lake and was maybe ten feet deep it that. The queue for that was way too long for us to even consider finding out what it was about," Amber told them.

"One of the families in the Magic Kingdom was having an open house, literally," Remus chuckled. "The Robinson Family actually live in a tree and they were allowing people to tour their home. It was amazing what they had done, but it was way too open air for me."

"All the steps were rather bothersome too," Amber added, "and I couldn't believe that none of the family was home to greet the guests: just seemed rude to me. I did enjoy the bird show. They had some of the smartest birds I have ever seen in the Tiki Room."

"It sounds like you enjoyed yourselves," Alexis said.

"We had a really good time. The strangest thing of all though is they almost seem to worship a mouse," Amber replied.

"Did you say they worship mice?" Snape sneered.

"Not mice: just one mouse. His name is Mickey and he must have accidentally gotten into an engorgement potion because he is about four feet tall. They have statues and pictures up of him everywhere. People even dress up like him. They sell hats with giant mouse ears on them. They have even fixed it so he has a mate, Minnie, who is a female mouse that is also about four feet tall. There are parades during the day to celebrate Mickey and Minnie. It was all very strange," Remus shrugged.

"The magic over there is very different. Although the school is out in plain sight, all the classrooms are hidden. You can walk right through the middle of the castle and out the other side and never see a student or even see where the stairs might be leading to the classrooms and dormitories," Amber explained. "Nothing like Hogwarts or Beauxbatons. And the school uniforms, they don't seem to have any single uniform. The students appear to mainly wear shorts and t-shirts with the occasional pair of jeans. Muggle studies must be very popular. I knew that American wizards didn't wear robes like we do, but I don't think I saw a single person wearing anything but Muggle clothes."

"That and the crazy costumes they had for the staff," Remus added. "The staff dressed up like all sorts of animals. Not just the Mickey and Minnie Mouse, but ducks, dogs and pigs as well as all sorts of others."

"Do you think they were trying to become Animagus'?" Snape asked.

"If they were it was the clumsiest attempts I've ever seen," Amber shook her head. "We brought you back some souvenirs." Amber opened her bag and pulled out two small packages and two larger ones. "These are for Nathair and Aleser," handing them the smaller ones, "and these are for you two."

Alexis opened the ones for Nathair and Aleser to reveal tiny little t-shirts with Mickey Mouse on them. "Those seemed to be the most popular of the school uniforms shirts," Amber explained.

Alexis handed Snape his gift and waited to see what it would contain. First out of the box was a black beanie type hat with two black plastic ears stuck on either side. Turning it around Snape saw that 'Severus' had been embroidered on the back. Next he found a straw that had been bent to form the outline of a round head and two round ears, "We got everyone straws. They are re-usable," Amber said with a grin.

Snape nodded his understanding while continuing to empty the box; a t-shirt with a short dwarf with a large nose on the front and then a rear view of the same dwarf on the back was next. The inscription under the dwarf was 'Grumpy'. "I got you that," Remus grinned.

"I'll remember that," Snape threatened. He removed the final item from the box. It was a set of thin stick-like rods in various colors with long feathers in matching colors attached to the rod.

"Those are self-inking quills," Amber explained. "The ink inside corresponds to the color of the quill. Although they aren't like any quills I have ever used before. They are very popular over there."

"Thank you, it was very thoughtful of you," Snape said with a grimace wondering how soon he could spill something acidic on that awful t-shirt.

Alexis began to rip the paper off of her present. She also had a hat. This one had a red bow on it and her name on the back. Her t-shirt had a young girl on it holding a frog up and inscribed underneath, 'I had to kiss a lotta' frogs to find my prince.'

"I picked that one out too," Remus grinned.

Alexis was careful not to look at Snape. She also had a straw and some self-inking quills. Getting up she gave Remus and Amber a big hug, "Thank you. I can't wait to wear my t-shirt to the next Hogsmeade visit."

Snape gave her an appalled look.

Amber reached into her bag and pulled out an unwrapped box, "We picked up some things for the rest of staff. We got this for Albus," holding up what looked like a small animal of some kind, "it is a coonskin cap," turning to show the tail hanging off the back, "although it is not real coonskin. We brought everyone else straws and self-inking quills."

"It sounds like you stayed busy the whole time you were there," Alexis commented while Snape just smirked.

"Oh yes, everything was so fascinating that all we did was come back to our hotel room and fall into bed, sleep for a few hours and then we were up and running again," Amber said as she fluffed the tail on Albus' hat.

Alexis looked at Remus who seemed rather tense. Snape was trying not to snigger as he thought of the little bottle of blue potion he had given Remus before he left.

"I'm really looking forward to seeing Madame Maxine again," Amber said as she settled back next to Remus. "When are they arriving for the Tri-Wizard Tournament?"

"This Friday," Snape responded.

"I can't believe that Hogwarts will be the first school to host the Tournament in over one hundred years," Remus said as he cuddled Amber. "Have you heard what the tasks are going to be?"

Snape answered because Alexis couldn't due to the charm Dumbledore had put on her, "Not really. I've heard some rumors but nothing definite."

"Whatever they are it should be pretty exciting," Remus said.

Snape decided that he could not wait for Halloween to carry out his plan. The Tri-Wizard Tournament delegates would be here and the fewer witnesses the better. He moved his plan of attack up to the Wednesday before Halloween.

Wednesday morning Alexis and Snape were eating breakfast in the Great Hall. Alexis looked up from her paper when an owl tore it trying to get her attention. Taking the letter she gave him a bite of toast and sent him on his way. "I wonder who this is from?" Alexis turned the envelope over looking for a return address before opening it up.

Out popped a bright orange jack-o-lantern singing, "Happy All Hallows Eve, You are as pretty as an autumn leave, Happy All Hallows Eve."

Alexis grinned, "I wonder who it is from? It's a little early but no matter. It is still a nice thought." At that the jack-o-lantern blew her a kiss and then began to recite,

"There was a young man from Wales
Whose yachting technique never fails.
He dines on baked beans
And plenty of greens,
And his farts put the wind in the sails."

Alexis blinked at the grinning pumpkin before turning to look at Snape, "Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" Snape said looking up from his paper.

"The limerick that thing just said," Alexis said waving at the floating jack-o-lantern.

"I heard it sing a truly atrocious song to you but nothing else," Snape told her.

The jack-o-lantern blew her another kiss and when Snape went back to his paper and spit pumpkin seeds at her before singing:

"There was a young man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
Within an hour
His cock was in flower,
And his balls were all covered with weeds."

Alexis' was looking around the Great Hall, "Hush, you horrible vegetable, there are children present."

"What was that, Alexis?" Snape asked.

"You didn't hear it?" Alexis looked over at Snape. "You didn't hear the nasty limerick that vegetable sang?"

"Are you feeling okay?" Snape asked putting a hand to her forehead to check for fever.

"I am feeling fine," Alexis gritted out. "I am going to insist that Poppy check your hearing though," Alexis got up and stormed out of the hall followed by her pumpkin.

When Alexis got into the hallway, she turned to look at her floating nemesis who just spit more seeds at her before breaking into another song:

"There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his balls like a dahlia.
Tuppence a smell
Was all very well
But thruppence a lick was a failure."

Alexis smiled sickly at a couple of Ravenclaws who were passing by giving her strange looks as they headed to breakfast.

The pesky pumpkin had started a new song that had Alexis looking around for to make sure that there were no students anywhere within the sound of its voice:

"Do your nuts hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie 'em in a knot?
Can you tie 'em in a bow?
Can you throw them over your shoulder
like a Continental Soldier?
Do your nuts hang low?

Do your nuts Flip Flop?
Can you use them as a mop?
Are they stringy at the bottom?
Are they curly at the top?
Can you put them in a shower
With a giant daisy flower?
Do your nuts Flip Flop?

Do your balls hang out?
Can you shake 'em all about?
When you try to tuck 'em in,
do they just hang out?
Can you roll 'em to the ground,
with a clunk and a pound?
Do your balls hang out?"

Alexis pulled out her wand and tried "Finite Incantatum." Nothing but another song:

"There once was a talented terrier,
Who liked to bite girls in the derriere.
With a yip and a yap,
He'd snip and he'd snap,
And the fairer the derriere the merrier!"

Alexis hurried off to her office with the damn pumpkin floating behind her now blowing raspberries at her. She managed to shut her door before the pumpkin could follow her in.

Sitting down at her desk she sprang up again with a disgusted cry. The raspberries had been full of pumpkin guts and now the back of her robes were wet and slimy. She tried a scourgify charm and all that happened was the mess spread even further.

When she found out who was responsible for this they were going to get it!

Taking off her robes and using them to clean the back of her chair she threw them on the floor next to the door. Damn and blast why hadn't she insisted on a fireplace in her office? Well, she didn't have anything to do today. She had planned to spend most of it in her office anyway working on the sex ed classes. The charm on the pumpkin would wear off and she could go on about her business.

Alexis was immersed in her lesson plan when a tapping had her waving her wand at the door, "Enter," not even thinking about what might be out there.

Her eyes widening in comprehension as the floating jack-o-lantern came into her office singing:

"A nudist by the name of Roger Peet
Loved to dance in the snow and the sleet,
But one chilly December
He froze every member,
And retired to a monkish retreat."

"OUT," Alexis hollered while the pumpkin laughed at her.

"Silencio," was tried next and all it did was turn up the volume.

"Stupefy," now the jinxed jack-o-lantern was spinning as it floated around her.

A banishing charm had no effect and she was afraid to try a blasting curse. It would probably just multiply the nasty bugger. She put up a shield charm when it started blowing raspberries again. Looking around at the mess that was quickly becoming her office she wanted to bawl.

She had tried catching the damn thing, not really sure what she was going to do with it once she caught it… but at least it was doing something. It would float just out of her reach and then dip down to bop her on her head before darting out of reach again. She had taken her robes and attempted to use them to bag the blighter, but it had just spread more of the mess around her office.

She was sitting on the floor in a pool of pumpkin pulp peering at the pernicious pest when Snape came in looking for her to take her to lunch.

She had conceded defeat and was now singing along one arm wrapped around the pumpkin leaning on it as it continued to float,

"A young man whose sight was myopic
Thought sex an incredible topic.
So poor were his eyes,
That despite its great size,
His penis appeared microscopic."

She joined in on the next song as Snape just stared at her in disbelief.

"God, bless my underwear
My only pair.
Stand beside them,
And guide them,
As they sit in a heap by the chair.

From the washer,
To the clothesline,
To my dresser drawer,
To my rear!

God, bless my underwear,
My only pair.
God, bless my underwear,
Or I'll be bare."

"Alexis, are you ill?" Snape asked her cautiously.

Alexis just blew a raspberry and threw pumpkin goop at him. While the pumpkin was distracted and laughing she managed to grab its stem and began pulling on it, "Quick Severus help me, if I can just get the top off I can kill it," Alexis had a crazed look in her eyes.

"Calm down, Alexis, it is just a jack-o-lantern," Snape tried to sooth her.

Alexis was now rolling on the floor holding on to the stem with one hand and throwing wild punches at the pulling pumpkin, "No, Severus it is evil I tell you, evil."

She threw herself on top of the pumpkin and began trying to hold it still so she could get the top off, "If I can just get it open I can rip its guts out and that should end this torture."

Snape was now trying to pull Alexis off of the struggling vegetable, "Alexis, get a grip on yourself."

"No! Severus, you don't understand. This thing has been stalking me all day, singing horrible limericks and stupid songs, I must end its reign of terror," Alexis was frantically trying to claw off the pumpkin top.

"Alexis, I will kill it for you if you just calm down," Snape had wrapped his arms around her and was holding her down.

"You promise?" Alexis asked in a quavering voice.

"Yes," came Snape's quiet assurance.

Alexis sighed and allowed Snape to help her to her feet, "Kill the pumpkin, Severus."

"I'll take care of the pumpkin; you just slip down our staircase and into our quarters and get cleaned up," Snape told her.

"Promise you won't let it follow me?" Alexis begged. "I don't think I can stand another limerick."

"I promise."

"Thank you, Severus," Alexis threw herself into his arms covering him in even more pumpkin goop. "I love you. You are so brave!" Throwing a last glare at the still hovering jack-o-lantern she headed to get cleaned up.

Severus waited until she was well out of sight before waving his wand and the vegetable and grinning evilly, this was just part one of his revenge.