Disclaimer: I decline to claim.
Chapter 22 Teach Me
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Albert Einstein
Alexis came back from teaching her first sex ed class exhausted, frustrated and vaguely amused. Snape was grading papers when she came in. Without a word he got up and poured her a glass of wine and handed it to her.
Downing it in one gulp she held out the glass for a refill. "I take it your first class didn't go well?" Snape asked with a slight smirk.
"I expected some misconceptions and to run into some hedge witches tails, but this… I just can't believe that parents send their kids to school so ignorant of something so vital," Alexis slumped down on the coach.
Snape settled beside her and pulled her feet into his lap, pulling off her shoes he began to rub her feet. "Tell me about it," he requested with a bigger smirk.
"Ahhh, that feels so good," Alexis took a sip from her second glass of wine. "Did you know that twins come because the mommy and daddy plant two cabbages?" Snape snorted, "Oh, I had to give one of your Snakes detention."
"Why?" Snape stiffened slightly.
"Because she was rude to Amber," Alexis tried to swallow a chuckle. "She said that she could see how Mrs. Lupin could tell them how to get pregnant but obviously she didn't know how to prevent it."
"No points?" Snape asked.
"I took points from Gryffindor and Slytherin for trying to embarrass each other," Alexis was shaking her head at the memory.
"What did they do?"
"Miss Truly asked if it was true that you could go blind from masturbation." Alexis started.
"That could be a valid question," Snape defended his house.
"I wouldn't have taken points, but the second part of the question was: '…and if so is that why Hampton has to wear glasses, you know, because she isn't doing it right?'" Alexis continued. "Then one of the Gryffindors said that it is apparent Miss Truly masturbates because she is crazy."
Snape snickered.
"And you wouldn't believe the names they came up with for a woman's menstrual cycle: the monthly owl; the crimson curse; bitchy witchy week; kneazle has a nosebleed; red witch; trolling for vampires; and vampire's lunch sac were just some of the more amusing ones."
Snape looked a little green at that, "Not your cup of tea?" Alexis asked with a grin for his masculine discomfort. "They calmed down after a bit and we were able to go over female anatomy. I am really not looking forward to tomorrow," Alexis groaned.
"Why is that?" Snape asked.
"We go over male secondary sexual characteristics and the male anatomy," Alexis picked up a pillow and tried to smother herself with it.
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The next morning found Alexis and Amber in the classroom with all of the first year girls. They were exchanging looks of resignation as the chattering and laughing eleven year olds hurried in and took their seats.
"Good morning class," Alexis started.
"Good morning, Mrs. Snape," came the response, liberally interspersed with giggles.
"We are going to be discussing males today. I will allow a certain amount of giggling due to the subject material. However, if it gets out of hand I will take points and or assign detention as I see fit. This is something that you need to know and any attempt to embarrass another student will result in detention and points being taken. Is that clear?" Alexis waited until everyone had nodded. "Now, that doesn't mean that you cannot ask any legitimate question. Mrs. Lupin, if you don't mind."
Alexis waited while Amber, with a flick of her wand, attached a poster on the wall with the outline of a male body on it.
"Today we are going to be discussing secondary sexual characteristics of the male," Amber waited out a few giggles. "Can anyone name some of them?"
One Ravenclaw raised her hand while blushing furiously, "Yes, Miss Quirke?"
"They start getting visits from the Good Dream Fairy," was her surprising contribution.
"The Good Dream Fairy?" Amber asked in surprise.
"Yes, I heard my older brothers talking about it. Ryan was telling Timmy something wasn't anything to be bothered about, that all guys got visited by her when they hit a certain age," Orla Quirke explained while still blushing. "Ryan was showing Timmy how to do the laundry while they were talking."
Alexis decided that she was going to have to ask Snape if there was a somber potion to help her keep a straight face. "Boys do start having specific dreams when they reach puberty. We will go into that further a little later. Right now we are going to discuss the fact that they may start shaving their faces, developing hair on their chests, under their arms and around their genitals."
Eleanor Branstone raised her hand, "What does religion have to do with hair growth?"
"I beg your pardon?" Alexis was stumped.
"You said they start to develop hair around their genitals." Alexis nodded. "My mom is Jewish and my dad isn't so my gran says he is a genital," Eleanor asked completely serious.
"Miss Branstone, I believe that would be Gentile," Alexis said not daring to make eye contact with Amber. "The word I used was genitals, which refers to the external reproductive organs, in males that would be the penis and testes and for women the vagina."
"That makes more sense," Eleanor looked relieved.
"Why are some guys hairier than others?" Emma Dobbs asked as she raised her hand. "My dad doesn't have hardly any hair at all, he is bald as an egg, but my mum's dad looks like a bear. We went swimming one time and it looked like he was wearing a hair shirt."
Amber carefully explained about hirsutism and male baldness.
"What do you do if you fall in love with someone who is all hairy?" came from a Hufflepuff.
"That is slightly off subject, but if you really truly love someone, you won't care if they look like a bear rug or if they are bald. True love is seeing someone else's faults and loving them anyway," Alexis explained. "Now let's go on to primary sexual characteristics," Alexis used a pointer to indicate the poster on the wall and as she began to detail what is what, magical drawings of the organ began to appear in the appropriate places on the drawing.
During this part of the lecture there was complete silence from the classroom. When she had finished, Alexis with great reluctance called for questions.
"Can guys really get blue balls and die from it?" Miss Truly displayed her precociousness.
"No, next question," Amber tried.
"What are blue balls?" asked a confused Hufflepuff.
Alexis and Amber closed their eyes and prayed for divine intervention and at that moment the bell rang, "Class dismissed," they chorused in relief.
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Friday night found Alexis and Amber celebrating the end of the first part of the sex ed class. Now all they had to do was get through a week with the first year boys and then all those weekend classes with the rest of the school.
Remus and Snape had met Alexis and Amber at the Three Broomsticks. They were going to eat and relax. Remus grinned at the two frazzled witches, "So are you ready for the boys?"
A question which earned him dirty looks from both Alexis and Amber, "I guess not," he teased.
"Why don't you and Severus teach the boys?" Amber asked with a smirk.
"You couldn't pay me enough to teach that class," Remus laughed.
Snape allowed, "For once, as much as it pains me to admit it, I must concur with Remus."
"What did you two know about sex when you were eleven?" Alexis asked.
"Everything," Remus bragged before continuing, "that could possibly be wrong, we knew."
Snape raised one brow in derision, "My father sat me down before I started Hogwarts and explained his version of the 'birds and bees' which was basically, as a Snape you are a pureblood and while Mud…Muggle born are for dalliance, only a Pureblood is appropriate for forming permanent alliances. And not to get any girl 'in trouble' and then he taught me a contraceptive charm and sent me on my way."
"Short and to the point," Alexis raised her glass in toast.
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A week later in the Snape's quarters Alexis and Amber celebrated the end of this portion of their teaching career and entertained Remus and Snape with highlights from the class.
"Mr. Ackerly told us that his dad explained to him that his older sisters would be really cranky every month and to leave them alone when they got that way: oh, and if he found any strange looking stuff in the bathroom not to touch it," Amber started.
"Best advice you can give a guy," Remus agreed with a grin, ducking the pillow Alexis threw at him.
"The Good Dream Fairy made another appearance," Alexis grinned. "Mr. Whitby explained that to those in the class who hadn't heard of her and the importance of learning how to do your own laundry."
Remus and Snape exchanged puzzled looks before it hit them what she meant. "I really liked her," Remus smiled in remembrance, "much better than the Tooth Fairy."
"And Mr. Braddock had to ask if masturbation caused hairy palms and then laughed as everyone in the class looked at their hands," Amber laughed.
"That one is so old it has mold on it," Remus complained.
"Not to an eleven year old," Amber replied.
"Some of the names they had for sexual intercourse where priceless," Amber chuckled.
"Do tell," Remus invited.
"Let's see some of the more inventive: horizontal hula, bit of bouncy bouncy; driving the pink love bus into tuna town, couch Quidditch, skin the Kneazle, and score the Quaffle are just the best I can remember off the top of my head," Amber was laughing so hard her eyes had started to tear up.
"What is it about Slytherins and how 'advanced' they are?" Alexis teased. "Mr. Braddock also wanted to know if it was true that men peaked at eighteen and women at forty."
"What did you tell him?" Snape asked.
"Not from personal experience," Alexis said with a straight face.
"You did not?" Remus was laughing so hard he almost fell out of his chair.
"No, I didn't," Alexis admitted. "I told him certain Muggle studies seemed to support that assumption; however, wizards, with their longer life spans did not appear to follow that trend."
"How did he react to that?" Snape wanted to know.
"He looked very disappointed," Amber snickered. "I think he was trying to make a case for some one-on-one education," Amber continued not noticing Alexis' warning look.
"Indeed," Snape said coldly.
"Now, Severus, he is an eleven year old Slytherin. Would you really expect anything different from him?" Alexis tried to defuse the situation.
Snape made no response and Alexis mentally winced as she wondered what Snape would do to the poor boy.
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Fred and George Weasley along with their friend Lee Jordan cornered Dennis Creevey in the Gryffindor Common Room before dinner Friday night, "So Creevey, you just finished the sex ed class with Mrs. Snape and Lupin?"
"Yes," Dennis blushed as he remembered some of the stuff they had talked about.
"How was it?" Fred asked.
"Did you learn anything?" George inquired.
"Was there any hands-on demonstrations?" Lee leered.
"What do you mean?" Dennis was puzzled by the rapid fire questions.
"Two very pretty witches, teaching such a potent subject," George waggled his eyebrows at the confused eleven year old.
"Surely they gave demonstrations," Fred winked.
"Demonstrations of what? And don't call me Shirley, that's Collin's middle name," Dennis stuttered out.
Fred and George filed away that tidbit of information for future use, "You know, Dennis, demonstrations on how to do things?" Lee smirked knowingly.
"They showed us how to do contraceptive charms," Dennis said not sure if that is what they meant.
"That's all?" Fred asked disappointed.
"They had a poster of a girl and it showed the female reproduction organs. It was actually kind of gross seeing what a girl has on her insides. Not that the poster of the boy was all that much better. I really could have gone on for the rest of my life without knowing what the inside of my bits look like," Dennis scrunched his face in disgust, "and finding out what girls have to do every month. That is disgusting. Although it really makes you wonder about them. I mean they cry and whine and moan if they get a parchment cut, you wouldn't think they would be able to do that for a solid week," Dennis shook his head.
George, Fred and Lee walked over to the far corner of the common room, "Well, I have to admit that I am really disappointed in Alexis," Fred sighed.
"Yes Gred, I thought that she would be a tad more imaginative and forward thinking," George sympathized.
"You know Forge," Fred got a sly look on his face, "I wonder if anyone else has questioned any of the first years."
"What are you thinking Gred?"
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Ron, Harry and Hermione were sitting at their usual spot at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall when Fred, George and Lee came in and plopped down around them.
As if continuing a conversation, "I don't believe it mate, I just can't see Dumbledore allowing it," Fred commented.
"I tell you the class for the older students is going to be a 'how to' class," Lee insisted.
"Nope, there is no way," George disagreed.
"Look I overheard Mrs. Snape telling Mrs. Lupin that she had found a way to charm something called a movie projector so that it would run without magic. They are going to show us Muggle movies of people actually having sex!" Lee whispered at a level deliberately designed to get everyone's attention.
Lee now had every student in the near vicinity's complete and undivided attention, "They were talking about how it would demonstrate all the different positions and be easier than just trying to talk about it or use a picture to demonstrate."
Dean Thomas leaned over, "You mean they are going to show us Muggle stag films?"
"What's a stag film?" Ron asked.
Dean flushed, "My cousin showed me one, it has people shagging. One guy was snogging two girls at the same time."
Neville looked like he was about to pass out at the thought of seeing two girls snogging one guy.
"Now really," Hermione said at her prissiest. "There is no way that teachers are going to show us something like that."
"She's probably right," Fred nodded. "I doubt if it will be more than one bloke and one girl."
Before Hermione could continue she found herself alone at the table except for the first and second years. The rest of her classmates had gone to spread the word about what could be expected in sex ed the next day.
Fred and George had moved over to sit with some Ravenclaws they knew. Lee came up during the middle of their discussion of Quidditch, "Did you hear?"
"Hear what?" George asked.
"Mrs. Snape is going to demonstrate how to use a Muggle condom," Lee whispered.
"What's a condom?" one of the Ravenclaws asked loudly.
"It's what a Muggle bloke puts on his bits to keep his girl from getting pregnant," Lee explained.
"And Mrs. Snape is going to demonstrate how to use one?" disbelief evident in the question. "How, on herself?"
"How can she do that? She hasn't got any bits," Fred asked in disgust.
"She is going to use a banana or a cucumber," Lee continued.
"I don't believe you," Stephen Grimes said while the rest of the Ravenclaws nodded their agreement.
"Hold on," Lee turned around and grabbed a passing first year, "Banana or cucumber?"
"Cucumber," he stuttered out looking at his friends for help.
Releasing his arm, Lee turned back to the group he was talking to, "See I told you so." The looks had gone from disbelief to cautious acceptance.
The group of first years continued on their way out of the Great Hall. No one else heard one of the guys whisper to the one Lee questioned, "Why did he want to know what you had for dinner?"
The hapless eleven year old just shrugged in response.
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Saturday found Amber and Alexis in one of the largest classroom looking out over the sea of faces wondering once again how the heck they had gotten themselves into this mess. They were also wondering at the avid looks of intent interest on all of the faces present.
Fred and George Weasley were sitting front and center grinning wickedly at the two witches. Alexis gave them a look that warned of horrible retribution should they disrupt the class. Fred started polishing an imaginary halo and George began to preen his invisible wings.
Alexis rolled her eyes at their antics and then called the class to order, "Welcome to Remedial Sex Education. We have some very important ground rules to set up before we begin: there will be absolutely no embarrassing of your fellow students…"
Fred interrupted, "Does that mean the teachers are fair game?"
"No," Alexis continued. "Any disruption of the class will result in the person causing the disruption being expelled from the class and they will not be allowed to return. This is an elective class. So Mrs. Lupin and I can elect to evict you from it. Any questions? Good. Let us begin."
Forty-five minutes later, "No Mr. Weasley, this is not a class on how to pick up witches. That is something you have to learn on your own and no you cannot practice on me or Mrs. Lupin."
A voice from the back of the room asked, "When are we going to see the moving pictures?"
"What moving pictures?" Amber asked trying to see who had asked the question.
"You know the Muggle moving pictures of people shagging," a different voice responded.
"We are supposed to get to see some stag films," yet another voice came from the far corner of the room. Alexis and Amber realized that the students were using a variation of the sonorous charm so that the voice was changed and appeared to be coming from all over the room.
"I can only guess as to where you might have gotten that idea," Alexis said with a pointed look at the Weasley twins. "But I can only assure you that we will not be showing any form of Muggle moving pictures. For those of you who have not picked up on it, Muggle items requiring electricity do not work at Hogwarts due to the amount of magical interference." Alexis heard Hermione whisper "I told you so."
"Now if we may continue," Alexis was interrupted again.
"Does that mean you are not going to need my cucumber?"
Alexis closed her eyes and silently counted to ten. When that didn't help, she counted to twenty, "I'm not even going to ask why I would need a cucumber," forestalling any attempt to explain, "and I don't want to know why you would think I would need a cucumber."
"How about a banana then?"
"No fruits nor vegetables will be used in the teaching of this class. Fred and George Weasley: detention with Madame Pomfrey." Seeing Lee Jordan's smirk, "Mr. Jordan you will join them. I will arrange your detention with her myself as I have something very special in mind for you three," Alexis was thinking that the expectant father lecture Poppy had given Severus would be just punishment for the three mischief makers.
As they started to object, "I do not want to hear it. The only reason you three have not been evicted from the class is that I do not have any proof that you are the source of the rumors. Be satisfied that all I am requiring of you is a detention."
The three settled back in their seats with sulky looks while Amber and Alexis continued their lecture.
"We have gone over some of the more common contraceptive measures available to witches and wizards. These will prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases; however, if you are going to be involved with a Muggle you need to use Muggle contraceptives and protection," Alexis ignored the look of disgust on some of the faces.
"Mrs. Snape," a Hufflepuff fourth year tentatively raised her hand, "What method is one hundred percent effective in keeping you from getting pregnant?"
"Abstinence," was Alexis' succinct reply.
"My gran told me to keep a knut between your knees," another Hufflepuff offered.
"How does that help?" a Slytherin asked sarcastically.
"As long as you keep your legs closed, the knut won't drop and you can't get pregnant," she snickered.
"Just a more imaginative way of saying abstinence," Amber grinned.
Someone trying to disguise their voice asked from the back of the room, "So who is the better lover, Professor Snape or Professor Lupin?"
Before either Amber of Alexis could recover from the shock that anyone would ask such a question a heated debate broke out among the girls in the class with the Slytherins championing their head of house and the rest of the girls on Remus' side and the boys looking on in horror.
"Obviously it would be Professor Snape, you know what they say about the size of a man's nose reflecting the size of his… assets," Pansy Parkinson offered.
"Yes, but Professor Lupin is a werewolf, so he would be have to be a real animal in the sack," Angelina Johnson rebutted.
"Professor Snape is a perfectionist, he would bring that quality to the bedroom," came from a Slytherin seventh year.
"Snape's voice would be enough to make most women hot," a sixth year Slytherin added.
"If you could keep him from cutting you to ribbons with his razor sharp tongue," a Ravenclaw sneered.
"If his tongue is that dexterous in other ways, he can use it on me anytime," Alexis tried to find who had said that with no luck.
"Professor Lupin has the better butt," a fourth year Hufflepuff opinioned.
Amber whispered to Alexis, "I have to agree with that."
Alexis gave her a dirty look before whispering back, "I agree that Remus has a very nice butt, however, I believe Severus' is superior in form and muscularity."
"Well you are entitled to your opinion," Amber sneered. "No matter how wrong it may be."
"I'll have you know that Severus has the perfect male bottom. It is the perfect shape and size and is firm and you could just wish that Remus' butt was a nice as Severus'" Alexis said indignantly.
The class had stopped their debate to listen to the two witches who had gotten progressively louder.
"You wish," Amber retaliated. "I can bounce a knut off of Remus' butt it is so tight and firm and he is an amazing lover."
"I don't doubt that," Alexis conceded. "However, Severus is a tireless, considerate, masterful, and amazing lover."
"We did it four times in one night," Amber countered.
"We did it six times," Alexis sneered.
"I bet," Amber smirked. "But in and out in and out in and out, doesn't really count as six times."
"You take that back," Alexis demanded.
"I will not," Amber refused.
"Remus isn't half the man Severus is," Alexis stated with conviction.
"He doesn't have half the nose Severus has, I'll give you that," Amber grinned nastily.
"I am so sorry," Alexis started. "I mean you know what they say about the size of a man's nose reflecting the size of his attributes, so obviously Remus really isn't half the man Severus is."
"You take that back," Amber said drawing her wand.
"You take back what you said about Severus first," Alexis drew her wand.
"You first," Amber cried.
Neither witch noticed several of the students running from the classroom. Draco Malfoy burst into Snape's office panting for breath, "Professor, come quick! Mrs. Snape and Mrs. Lupin are getting ready to duel."
Remus had just arrived to get his potion, "Mr. Malfoy, what did you just say?"
"I said your wife and Professor Snape's wife are about to get in a duel," Draco had almost caught his breath and turned to head back to the classroom.
Remus and Snape hurried after him, "What are they dueling over?" Snape asked.
"Which of you is the better lover," Draco responded to their astonishment.
When the three arrived at the classroom, they found that all of the desks had been pushed against the wall and the students were standing around staring at the two women.
Alexis had just cast a jelly-legs jinx, "You should be used to that, since I'm sure that after three times, that is what Remus is reduced to."
Snape looked at Remus, "Three times?"
Remus just shrugged modestly.
Amber retaliated with a Leg-locker curse, "Ha! I just found a new method of birth control."
Before Alexis could respond, both Snape and Remus cast Expelliarmus and confiscated their wives' wands. Snape looked around at the disappointed students, "Class dismissed, and if I hear any mention of this all of you will get a month worth of detentions with Mr. Filch."
The students nodded their understanding and filed out of the room.
Snape turned back to find that Remus had had to step between the two women to keep them from continuing the battle. "Alexis, Amber," Snape snarled getting both their attention, "I am very disappointed in the two of you. How could you act that way in front of the students?"
"She started it," Alexis pouted.
"Did not," Amber hissed.
"That is enough," Snape shouted.
Remus quickly cast a silencing charm on the room and sealed and locked the door.
"If you two cannot act like adults we will have to separate you," Remus threatened while struggling to maintain a straight face.
Alexis and Amber both hung their heads and scuffed a toe.
"You are supposed to be best friends. And here you are casting hexes at each other like common hooligans. Alexis, Amber is pregnant did you even stop to consider that?" Snape chastised.
Alexis looked at Amber horrified. "Amber I am so sorry, are you okay? I didn't think about the baby. I didn't hurt you did I?"
Amber saw how scared Alexis was that she had hurt her. "No, you didn't hurt me or the baby. I'm sorry about fighting with you."
"No, I'm sorry. I'm sure Remus is an amazing lover and he has a sexy butt," Alexis said much to Snape's displeasure.
"Yes he is and does, but that doesn't mean that Severus' butt and abilities are any better or any worse than Remus'," Amber allowed to Remus' amusement.
"Perhaps we can agree that they tie for world's best lover and sexiest man?" Alexis offered.
"Agreed," Amber said and hugged Alexis.
Snape and Remus exchanged looks of masculine disbelief at the vagaries of women.
AN: MarkDarcy: Thanks to one of my most loyal reviewers….I'll see if I can get you that Dead Ghost recipe.
GraceRichie: Darien will be getting his eventually. (evil grins)
Jonquillejaune: I like your name even more now that you have translated it for me.
JennSmith: Hope you enjoyed the sexed class.