Insurrection behind the scenes
Summary: After Seeing Red, just a bit of insanity I cooked up one night. (Mother's Day has that effect on me.) The writers are screwing around with the characters too much, we know it, they know it, and so do the characters. Well, it's time to do something about that.
Disclaimer: yeah, yeah, not mine. They belong to Joss and Mutant Enemy and... some other people I'm sure. (And no, this cruelty to Joss is nothing personal. I love the man and all his creations, but DAMN those writers are annoying me!)
"No! No! No!" Willow moaned, holding the body of her Wiccan lover. On the verge of panic, gasping for breath, she felt as though she were drowning in her grief. In an instant, the horrible sensation gave way to a new one... a burning, consuming rage. The witch looked up, her eyes turning black, and then as red as the fires of hell. Someone would pay dearly for this...
"CUT!" A voice yelled, snapping everyone back to reality. "Perfect, we should have enough takes of that scene now. Great job Alyson. Well, we're done for the day." With that, various technicians started packing up the equipment and rolling up various cords.
Joss, standing nearby, nodded his head in satisfaction. "That's great everybody, excellent work."' Then he glanced towards the redhead on the ground, still huddled over her 'lover'. "Uh, Alyson, I know you get caught up in the roll sometimes but..." Joss' voice faded off mid-joke as the young woman looked up at him, tears streaming down her face, her eyes still burning red. "Alyson?" He stated uncertainly.
"Bring... her... back," menaced the young woman, her voice choked with rage and grief.
"Now look, that's enough, stop playing around..." Joss began, more than a little annoyed. Actors, he thought with a snort. Then suddenly a blast of dark energy shot past his head. He tried to leap out of the way, but found that his feet were somehow cemented in place. Panicking, he looked beseechingly at the young woman. "Hey! What..."
"Bring her back!" She screeched like a demented Fury, black lightning swirling around her form as people around her cowered on the ground and covered their ears. "Don't you think we've suffered enough, lost enough?" She demanded, stalking closer and closer towards her petrified creator.
"Look, I don't know what's going on but..." Joss started.
"Don't speak..." Willow spat, "unless it's to tell me how you're going to fix this mess." She shuddered and turned, pointing towards the still-limp form of Amber (Tara?). "Or... unless you want me to do to you what you people have planned for Warren."
Eyes widening, Joss started to realise the severity of his plight. He started rambling, desperate to keep his skin intact. "Um, fix this mess. No problem. We'll just... uh, just... rewrite it! Yeah. Easily fixed. We'll, we'll... uh, heh..." he chuckled nervously as Willow started to circle him like a shark, her gaze piercing his flesh. "Just, get me to a computer..." the witch growled at him, "or... uh... or, bring me a typewriter... or a pen! Something, anything to write with. And uh... the script, of course." Within seconds the said objects came flying through the air and stopped to rest, floating right before Joss' fingers.
"Great, just great. I'll bring Tara back..."
"And Buffy."
"But... Buffy doesn't die." Willow glared at him again. "But, yes. We'll fix Buffy up and bring Tara back and it will all be good. Now, just let me think of how to do this and keep the viewers happy..."
"Look what happened!" Willow thundered. "While you were on your little quest to keep the viewers happy. Tara died, Buffy's hurt, Xander and Anya are apart, Spike's gone..."' She brought her face closer to Joss' and ran one razor sharp fingernail down his face. "I'll tell you what will make the viewers happy," she purred. "Keep Tara alive, keep me and her together, and stop fucking with our emotions for a while... well, on second thought... forever. Let us be happy, and tha will make the viewers happy." She made her way behind the terrified man, and wrapped her arms around him. "And most importantly, it will make me happy."
Joss nodded and grabbed the script and pen. "Right, right, so give me just a moment..."
"Now!"
He squeaked and started writing furiously, speaking as he composed his revised ending. "And suddenly, Tara opened her eyes and looked at her lover because ... because..." he paused, thinking furiously. "Because Willow had just used a super amazing spell to make her... not die!"
"No magic," Willow interrupted.
"Huh?"'
"I promised her I wouldn't use magic. That's how I lost her in the first place. Think of something else," she insisted.
"Fine, fine, no magic. Joss paused again, and scribbled out the last words. "Um... because Warren... didn't have... real bullets! Yeah! They were blanks."
"Why would he try to shoot Buffy with blanks?" Willow demanded.
"Look, Alyson..." Joss snapped, forgetting who he was speaking to. "Uh... Willow. Sorry. Um... Warren didn't know they were blanks. The guy in the gun store... uh... gave him the wrong kind of bullets. Accidentally gave him blanks. So no one died. And, and ... the, uh, dark red spot on Tara's shirt." The witch looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to go on. "Ketchup. It was ketchup. Yeah. And no one noticed it until that moment. And then... heh... people's imaginations went amok, and they thought she got shot with a real bullet and died. But she didn't!" He added hurriedly.
Willow stood silent for a few moments. "Lame." Joss cringed. "But acceptable." With that, her eyes stopped glowing red, and she gave out a cry of relieved joy as Tara sprang up off the ground and ran towards her. They collided and the redhead swooped her girlfriend into a passionate kiss, stroking her hair and holding her close. Joss had just let out a sigh of relief when a voice cried out from below.
"Hey! What about us?" Xander complained.
"Blanks, Nick... uh, Xander, they were just blanks. No one got hurt," Joss explained quickly. Within moments Xander had crossed the sets and was standing before his creator.
"That's not what I meant, Joss." He crossed his arms and glared at the other man. "What about me and Anya? I mean, come on. She's all hurt, and so am I. And you haven't made some little happy reunion for the two of us."
Joss sighed and rolled his eyes, but quickly changed his attitude when he saw the two witches glaring at him venomously. "Fine, one big happy make up scene for Anya and Xander coming up."
"And make sure there's lots of sex," Anya added as she popped up from out of nowhere, wrapping her arms around her man's waist. They spent a minute kissing and nuzzling each other, and Joss could have sworn Xander muttered something about his 'little sex poodle'. At that point he decided a) that he really didn't want to know and b) that he couldn't keep his lunch down much longer. Mercifully, the two love birds left the room, still cuddling and talking to each other in that sickening baby tone that smitten people tend to use. Off they went to God knows where to do God knows what and for God knows how long.
Suddenly Anya popped her head back through the doorway. "And I don't want to be a vengeance demon anymore." Then she was dragged back out, and everyone heard her girlish giggle as Xander muttered something about finding a janitor's closet.
"Done!" Joss said with a shudder, as he bent over to pick up the pen that had slipped from his grasp during the episode of insanity. In doing so he caught a glimpse of the two Wiccas getting wicked on the bed on set, and he shuddered once more. Only then did he truly regain his wits and ask aloud (to nobody, as it seemed that everyone had either ran away in terror or was to occupied to listen to his ramblings), "How the fuck did these characters come to life?"
"Well, I'm pretty much big with not knowing here, but I've got a few deliveries for the complaint department myself." He turned around to see the little blonde Slayer that he'd just about snuffed out glaring at him.
"'Big with not
knowing'?" He demanded, rubbing his temples. Oh merciful
Lord, I've created a monster.
Buffy just shrugged. "I can't help the way you make me talk. But don't change it. It's kind of neat in an I-haven't-mastered-the-English-language kinda way. And by the way OW! Getting shot hurts!"
"IT WAS A BLANK DAMMIT!" At this point the poor man was near crazed and just wanted to go home and hit the booze.
"Getting shot with one still hurts like a bitch," she complained. Then she grabbed his shirt and lifted him off the ground. "Now, this is the point where I get all threatening. No more killing my friends or my family or my self, for that matter. I'm through with the death."
He shuddered and cringed, trying to force some air into his lungs. "Alright," he wheezed. "No more death. I won't kill anything ever again."
"Nah, the vamp stuff I can handle. Just leave my friends alone, got it?" Joss nodded quickly. "Good." The slayer set him back on his feet. "And then there's this whole business with Spike..."
"I'll get him to leave you alone,' Joss quickly assured her. "He'll leave and not come back, or better yet, he'll just not be in love..."
"Did I say that was what I wanted?" She looked at him hatefully, and he cowered on the ground. "Have you ever really looked at him? He's damn sexy! And he's wicked awesome in bed. You've left me mangles ever since Riley left, though I suppose I owe you a favour for at least editing that into the script." She grabbed producer's shirt and dragged him to his feet, holding his chin so that he'd be forced to look into her eyes. "I want a man," she stated slowly. "I want Spike, bleached hair, British accent, attitude, leather jacket and all. And I want him here pronto!"
She shoved the pen and script back into Joss' hands, and he started writing furiously. "And then Spike decided that he really didn't want the chip out, 'cause the Powers That Be stepped in and told him that Buffy wanted his butt..."
"His damn sexy, exclusively-mine butt," she interpreted.
"... that Buffy wanted his damn sexy, exclusively-mine... uh, exclusively-HERS, butt back in Sunnydale where it belonged. So he hopped on the next flight to the good old U.S of A, grabbed his motorcycle and booked it to Sunnydale."
"Won't that take a long time?" She asked impatiently.
"Not if one has the proper motivation, pet," someone purred in a wicked sexy English accent that sent shivers down Buffy's (and hell, every red-blooded girl's) spine.
"Spike!" She turned around to see him smirking at her. She pushed Joss away and walked over to the yummy vamp. Then she punched him lightly on the arm. "Wipe that grin off of your face."
"Do it for me," he challenged with a grin. Then he grabbed her and started kissing her, nipping lightly at her lips.
The slayer laughed and started dragging him out of the room. "Write something good for us, buddy," she shot back as the man had just risen to his feet after being thrown to the floor. Just then Spike pulled away from her and headed towards Joss, who just wanted to get the hell out of there.
"Now, luv, we really don't need this wanker for that." With that Spike pushed him out of the way and picked up the script and pen. "I used to have quite a way with words you know." He turned towards Buffy and winked at her.
"You're changing the Script, Spike?" She gasped, scandalized. "Can we even do that?"
"Watch me." With that he raised the pen and started working on his creation. "It was then that Buffy realised that Spike's attempt to rape her in her bathroom wasn't his fault at all, but the work of none other than the nefarious Joss Whedon and his evil writer lackeys. That the valiant and devastatingly hot vampire couldn't possibly oppose the evil will of these villains, no matter how much it killed him knowing that he was being used to hurt the woman he loved..."
"I already knew that." Buffy walked towards him, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I know that you could never hurt me, Spike. And that you love me."
He looked at her, smiled, and placed a soft kiss on her lips. "Well, then, I guess all I need to write is the part where you say 'I love you, Spike.'"
"But I do love you. I have for such a long time, but Joss wouldn't let me say it." She hugged him and rested her head on his shoulder. "I know you're not perfect, but you're always there for me, you can always make me smile, and I know that you're trying to be the best person that you know how to be." With that she looked up at him, and rested her forehead against his. "And I know it's all for me."
"You could have told me that a bit sooner, luv."
"I told you, Joss wouldn't let me."
"That bloody wanker." Buffy just chuckled and kissed him again, completely oblivious to the quivering nervous wreck of a producer who still lay on the floor a couple of feet away from them. When they finally pulled apart, Spike walked to the nearest wall and started writing something in the script. "Bloody pen, doesn't want to work," he muttered, shaking the pen to get the ink flowing.
"Spike... I told you I love you, and I forgive you for the bathroom thing. You don't have to write it into the script."
"I know that, pet. But there are a couple more things I needed." He looked at her with an evil grin. "I was just going to write us up some strawberries and whipped cream. And a little candle light, champagne..." Buffy sauntered over to him and wrapped her arms around him.
"Mmmmmm..." she purred. "And after that?"
"I was thinking we could just improvise." He grinned, dropped the script and led his lady love out of the room.
Thinking the coast was clear; Joss started crawling towards the exit.
"Not so fast there." Weeping, the man stopped in his tracks, dreading what was to come.
"Oh God, make it stop."
"There's no God here, just you and me," Dawn said innocently, walking towards to where he lay sprawled out on the floor. "Why have you been keeping Spike and Buffy apart? Making them hurt each other and everything?" She demanded.
"I'm sorry. It was for the ratings. It wasn't even my idea, I swear..." he started babbling, almost at the breaking point.
"Glad to hear it. I'd hate to think that you were making me so unhappy. I've had it with all the angsty 'boo hoo, I'm so confused and too hurt to be with the one I love' crap that you were putting everyone through." Joss looked up to see Dawn standing over him. A green mist was swirling around her, and green electricity light up her eyes and shot from her fingertips.
"Wha... what are you doing?" He demanded. "You can't do that, you don't have any powers."
"Sure I do." She smiled cruelly. "You're writers just forgot to put it in. You will stop messing around with my friends and they will be happy! Understand?" Joss nodded quickly, cowering in terror once more. "They will be very happy."
"YES! Happy! Everyone will be happy... ha ha ha... see? Happy! Xander and Anya will get married... yes, marriage is happy... and, uh, and... Willow and Tara will be together and happy and Spike and Buffy... you won't even see them for a month they'll be so busy being happy together. Haha. Everyone's happy!" Joss curled up into a ball, still rambling and laughing like a madman about how deliriously happy everyone would be.
"Yay!" Dawn squealed, jumping up and down and clapping her hands. "That is just so cool. Wait 'til I tell everyone..." she looked around, realising that everyone was off being happy. "Oh... Oh my God. This is too cool. I'll be downstairs. With the TV on. And I'll put it really loud so I don't hear anything. Eeeeeee... this is great!" She squealed happily, and bounced off downstairs.
After a few minutes of silence (with the exception of noises coming from the bed on set) Joss lifted his head and glanced around warily. He crawled towards his pen and the script, looked at it fearfully, and decided against picking it up. Shaking his head, he gave up on even trying to figure out what was going on, and gratefully headed towards the exit. Then he let out a sudden scream as three heads popped up Three Stooges style in the doorway.
"Hey, man, can you at least write us up some chicks?" Warren demanded, as Andrew and John nodded their heads enthusiastically in agreement. Joss screamed and ran out of the studio, leaving a Joss Whedon shaped hole in the brick wall. Jonathan looked up at Warren, Andrew looked down at Warren. "What did I say?" They shrugged their shoulders as one, and as one their heads disappeared from out of the doorway.
Author's Notes:
I can't take credit for this line. Harmony said it to Spike at some point, when he told her to bite her tongue for insulting Drusilla.
I'm well aware Dawn never had super powers. Heck, she wasn't even a potential. This is just for the purposes with my story. :D