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Chapter 23 Family, Can't Live With Them, Can't Shoot Them

I think people that have a brother or sister don't realize how lucky they are. Sure, they fight a lot, but to know that there's always somebody there, somebody that's family.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Cat Orgy, 1999

Alexis escorted the Weasley twins and their friend Lee Jordan to the infirmary, "Madame Pomfrey, these three seem to feel that sexual education is a joke. I was wondering if you would able to give them the expectant father lecture? Just so they realize exactly what may happen if they are not serious about their responsibilities."

Poppy gave the three a gimlet glare and pointed to her office. "Come back for them in three hours," she instructed Alexis. As the boys headed to her office, she gave Alexis a wink and a nod.

When Alexis returned to the hospital she found Fred with an ice pack against his head while George was mopping up a bloody nose, "Where is Lee?"

George pointed over to a cot in the far corner. "What happened to him?"

Madame Pomfrey came back with a potion for George's nose, "He passed out."

"What happened to these two?" Alexis asked in horrified amusement.

"That one started to retch and hit his head on the desk," she said coolly as she pointed at Fred, "and this one tried to run from the room and hit the door breaking his nose."

"Well at least you finished the lecture," Alexis said trying not to grin.

"Actually we barely made it half way through before Mr. Jordan passed out, and these two didn't make it much farther than that," Poppy said in disgust.

"Will you be able to finish the lecture tomorrow evening?" Alexis asked.

Poppy's reply was interrupted by two loud thumps. "Probably not," she replied, looking at the two teens now passed out on the floor.

Alexis looked up from an owl she had received. "Severus, would you have any problems with Darla sleeping on a cot in the nursery during the first task of the Tournament?"

"Why cannot she stay with Remus and Amber?" Snape asked irritably.

"Full moon," Alexis answered.

"If you wish, you may invite her. But she had better not turn into as big a nuisance as her brother," Snape groused.

"He's lonely, Severus," Alexis said, although even her patience was wearing thin. "You know what he needs?"

"A good kick in the…" Snape started.

Alexis interrupted, "A girlfriend." Snape looked stunned. "Yes, if he had a girlfriend to focus some of this energy on, he wouldn't be so lonely." Alexis was getting excited by the idea of matchmaking, "Do we know any young witches of his age?" she looked over in inquiry at Snape.

"A whole school full," Snape answered. "But since he is faculty, they are off limits."

"What about the girls from Beauxbatons? Since they are technically not students of Hogwarts would they be available?" Alexis was determined not to give up on her excellent idea.

"I believe he already knows most if not all of them and has not expressed even the remotest desire to further that acquaintance," Snape said repressively.

"Maybe he is just shy," Alexis murmured while Snape decided to just observe the mayhem that was certain to result. It should approve amusing as long as he didn't get dragged into it.

Alexis waited until Darla had arrived the Saturday before the first task before putting her plan in motion. She wanted to see if Darla knew what type of girl Darien might fancy. Amber had not been the slightest bit of help although she had agreed to assist Alexis in her matchmaking plot, once she found someone to match him with. Remus had taken to calling them the Pimp Pair; Alexis swore she wasn't buying him any more Muggle novels.

Meeting Darla at the gates, Alexis escorted her back to the castle, "How have you been?"

"Well, the parents said to tell you hello and that they can't wait to have another shopping trip," Darla smiled absently. "Do you know when Charlie is going to arrive?"

Alexis decided to tease her a bit, "Charlie who?"

"Charlie Weasley," Darla gave her a look Snape would have envied. "We have been writing and he is supposed to be here for the first task."

"I believe they will arrive shortly before midnight tonight," Alexis replied contritely.

"Good, that gives me just enough time to get ready," Darla smirked.

Snape growled to Alexis, "Just how long does it take for one small girl to get ready for dinner?" glaring at the bathroom door that Darla had disappeared behind some two hours ago.

"Just consider it practice," Alexis advised.

"Practice for what? A plumbing problem?" Snape sneered.

"Nope, for when we have daughters," Alexis laughed.

"Remind me to have at least two more bathrooms installed before that blessed day," Snape snarled.

"I'll make a note," Alexis continued to laugh at him.

Darla came out of the bathroom in a cloud of steam just in time for them to leave for dinner. The Great Hall was sparsely populated due to it being a Hogsmeade weekend; most of the students had stuffed themselves with candy or had already eaten by the time Alexis, Snape and Darla made it to dinner.

Alexis used dinner as an opportunity to question Darla about Darien's taste in girls. Darla's response was not encouraging. "Alexis, if he didn't shave regularly, I would think he hadn't reached puberty yet."

"Do you know if he even likes girls?" Alexis asked in a low voice while making sure that Darien was deep in conversation with Snape.

"Come to think about it, I really don't know," Darla looked surprised. "I guess he could be gay," she conceded.

Alexis gave Darien a suspicious look wondering if that was his interest in Snape. She would have to find out if Darien was gay. If he was that only put a slight crimp in her plans… instead of a girlfriend she would have to find him a boyfriend.

Later that night, Alexis and Snape were alone in their quarters. The boys were asleep in their cribs and Darla was down at the dragon pen visiting Charlie. If she wasn't back by one, Snape was going to look for her.

"Severus, I need you to find out something for me," Alexis was snuggled in Snape's lap.

"What do you want to know?" Snape was wondering if he should go ahead and bring Darla in. He hadn't trusted Charlie Weasley when he had been a student at Hogwarts and he saw no reason to start now.

"I want you to find out if Darien is gay," Alexis was carding her fingers through Snape's hair.

"I think I can….I beg your pardon?" Snape stared at Alexis in shock.

"I want you to find out if Darien is gay," Alexis said as if that was the most reasonable request in the world.

"And just how and why would you want me to do that?" Snape grabbed her hand to keep her from distracting him.

"You are so intelligent and cunning I know you will have no problem finding a way to discreetly find out about his sexual preference and I need to know so I can figure out whether to find him a girlfriend or a boyfriend."

"No," Snape replied still holding Alexis' hand.

"Severus, he respects you. He would want to confide in you," Alexis was tugging on her hand trying to free it.

"No, you are not involving me in any way shape or form in this ridiculous plan," Snape began kissing her fingers in his attempt to distract her, "Why don't you ask one of his sisters?"

"Because they don't know," Alexis' eyes were glazing over as Snape was successfully distracting her by sucking on her fingers.

Alexis head was now lolling back on Snape's shoulder as he moved up her arm and began kissing her neck. Just then the clock chimed one and Snape jumped to his feet dumping Alexis on the floor with a resounding thump. "Where is that girl? If Weasley has taken advantage of her…" Snape's threat trailed off as the sound of the door creaking open was heard.

Alexis was still trying to recover from her sudden descent from arousal to pained arse. Snape finally noticed his wife splayed in a graceless sprawl on floor, "What are you doing down there?" Snape helped her up.

Darla came in with ruddy checks and rosy lips looking thoroughly snogged. "Goodnight," was all she said as she dreamily made her way into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

Snape glared at the door, "How much time does one person need to spend in the bathroom?"

Alexis replied, "When it comes to young women…you really don't want to know."

Alexis hunted Darien down Sunday afternoon. Everyone had refused to help her so she was just going to have to do it herself. She finally managed to corner him in the library, "Darien, there you are," she whispered brightly as she settled in the chair next to his.

"Hello Alexis," he said politely before returning to studying the potions book he had gotten from the restricted section.

"Darien, you spend so much time with Severus I really don't think I know you all that well," Alexis tried, "Since your parents are so far away, I feel like, just for their peace of mind, I should make sure you are well and happy here at Hogwarts."

Darien marked his place in the book, "I am both," before returning to the page.

"But Darien, you spend all of your time working, don't you want to have some fun?" Alexis smiled at him gently.

"I am having fun," Darien looked at her puzzled as he indicated the book he was reading, "I have access to all of these books and Severus to teach and train me. What more could I want?"

"Someone who shares your interests and to spend time with?" Alexis offered.

"But I have Severus for that, who else would I need?" Darien was really looking confused.

"I was thinking someone closer to your age, that you could also enjoy other activities with," Alexis said delicately.

Darien patted her hand, "I am fine, Alexis. Don't worry," he returned to his reading leaving Alexis frustrated.

Alexis moved away and settled in a different part of the library. She was going to have to rethink her strategy. Suddenly it hit her and she borrowed several magazines from some of the girls in the library.

She found Darien exactly where she had left him. Settling in the seat as before, she got his attention with a softly spoken request, "Darien, I was wondering if I could have your opinion?"

"Certainly," Darien said with a sigh and slightly less politely than before.

"I want to redecorate our quarters and I was wondering what you think of these colors?" Alexis had opened one of the magazines to a spread showing how to maximize minimum space with clever spells.

Darien looked from the magazine to Alexis, "Shouldn't Severus be giving you his opinion since they are his quarters too?"

"Oh, he doesn't care about this type of thing," Alexis waved that suggestion off. "What color would you say this is?" Alexis pointed to a mint green wall in the photo thinking if he was straight he would green but if he was gay…

Before he could answer Madame Pince announced that the library was closing in five minutes, Alexis looked at him, "Why don't you join us for tea?"

"Thank you," Darien gave her a strange look.

"Come on with me now and you can visit with Darla," Alexis urged determined to find out which way she needed to go with the young man today so she could get busy finding him a special friend.

"Alright," Darien said in a low soothing voice as if speaking to someone slightly mad.

Alexis brought him into the sitting room and thrust him toward the sofa, "Just have a seat there and I will be back in a moment." Alexis hurried into her bedroom and came back with an armful of Snape's clothes, "I was wondering if you could help me match up these outfits for Severus? He is hopeless when it comes to colors. All he wants to wear is black, black and more black," she chattered nervously.

"Alexis, where is Severus?" Darien was convinced that Alexis was having some time of breakdown. That was the only way he could explain her strange behavior.

"Oh, he will be here shortly. What do you think of this tie with this shirt?" Alexis held up a Muggle dress shirt and tie that she had hurriedly transfigured while she was in the bedroom. The shirt was pale pink and the tie was a garish orange with neon green stripes running through it.

Darien winced at the bright tie against the pale shirt. "What do you think of it?" he asked still in that calm soothing voice.

Alexis lied, "I think it goes together beautifully."

"Then that is all that is important," Darien smiled at her encouragingly.

"Okay what about this combination?" Alexis held up pinstripe robes in a charcoal gray with brown tasseled loafers.

"Again, Alexis, it is what you think that is important," Darien said not even looking at her offering.

Alexis was about in tears as she gathered the clothes and carried them back into the bedroom. That had been futile. Flopping down on the couch beside him she racked her brain trying to figure out a way to determine which way to proceed. Looking down at the floor she had an idea, "Darien, what do you think of my shoes?"

Before he could answer the door opened and Snape, Darla and Charlie Weasley came in. Darien had never been so relieved to see someone. He was really concerned with how Alexis had been acting.

Snape had the twins and Alexis jumped up to help him with them. When they had disappeared into the nursery Darien leaned over to his sister and whispered, "I am really concerned about Alexis. She is acting strange today."

"How?" Darla looked at him.

"She keeps asking me questions about decorating, clothes, colors and shoes and getting all antsy about my answers," Darien was keeping an eye on the nursery.

"Is that all?" Darla asked.

"What do you mean is that all?" Darien turned his attention to his sister. "What do you know?"

"She is trying to figure out if you are gay," Darla replied. "By the way are you?"

"What?" Darien asked confused. "Why would she want to know if I am gay?"

"She wants to fix you up with a friend and she wants to know if it should be a guy or a girl," Darla explained reasonably. "So which team do you seek for?"

"Why does she want to fix me up?" Darien wanted to know.

"So tell me, are you a Chaser or a Beater?"

"Which one is which?" Charlie asked confused.

"Which which is which?" Darla looked over at him.

"I'm not asking about witches, I want to know which one is which way?" Charlie tried to clarify his question.

"I'm not following you," Darla replied, "Which way is what one?"

"You just asked him if he is a Chaser or a Beater."

"Yes, I did."

"So which one would be which way?"

"Huh?" Darla was eloquent in her confusion.

"For Merlin's sake you moron, he wants to know which one would indicate straight and which one gay?" Darien went on as she still looked confused, "Is a Beater straight or gay?"

"You know I really don't know," Darla replied, "I've just always heard that expression. I would think that a Beater would be straight and a Chaser gay."

"Damn, I was hoping to get Fred and George on that one," Charlie huffed.

"Excuse me but can we get back to me?" Darien asked impatiently, "Why would she want to find me a special friend?"

"Because you are an annoying brat, why else?" came the older sister response.

"She finds me annoying?" Darien asked looking like a little boy whose pet krup had bitten him.

"Just the fact that you want to spend every waking minute with her husband, now are you bent or straight?" Darla asked.

"I don't spend every waking minute with Severus," Darien said indignantly, although if he were honest with himself, he did spend an inordinate amount of time with the man.

"Look, Dar, I know you respect Severus and want to learn as much as you can from him, but you do really need to find some other ways to relax than studying potions and stalking him," Darla ruffled his hair. "So which way do swing?"

"I can't believe you have to ask me that," Darien said in disgust.

"Well, I don't remember you dating anyone," Darla defended herself.

"Do you remember the magazines you threatened to tell mum about?" Darien prodded her memory.

"OHHHHH, okay now I know," Darla grinned at her brother.

"Know what?" Alexis asked as she and Snape came back from putting the boys to bed.

Darla smirked at Alexis, "Darien wants a boyfriend."

"WHAT?" Darien looked at his sister. "What magazines did you find? They must have been some of Amber's 'cause I didn't have any that would make you think that."

"Just kidding," Darla was laughing hysterically, "He's straight."

AN: jonquillejaune: Glad you enjoyed the last chapter, hope you find this one almost as funny.

Radingsoul4u: Thanks! Glad you enjoyed and thank you for reviewing.

GraceRichie: Ahh! But I like ooey gooey lovey.

MarkDarcy: Sounds like you have reason to brag….way to go Mr. MarkDarcy!

JennSmith: Thank you, I have been trying to live up to the bachelor/bachelorette parties chapter for a long time now.