Disclaimer: I don't claim.

AN: It bears repeating: Without Steve2 and Midnight Lily this story would not be anywhere near as funny.

Chapter 25 Love Is Never Having to Hear I Thought It Would Be Bigger

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

Groucho Marx

Snape was still smirking when the head of Durmstrang, Igor Karkaroff, approached, "Severus old boy, I was wondering if I might have a moment of your time?"

Snape stiffened, "I was just getting ready to dance with my wife, Igor, perhaps later," and to Alexis surprise Snape pulled her to the dance floor leaving a very frustrated Karkaroff staring after them.

Snape looked around in disgust, the band was playing a more modern number and the students were jumping and flailing about in wild abandon. Alexis smirked at him and stepped up and wrapped her arms around his neck and just started swaying back and forth.

Snape looked at her as he put his hands on her waist, "You realize we look ridiculous?"

"Yes, but you are the one who insisted upon dancing," Alexis reminded him. "I thought you would prefer to sway to our own beat rather than try to match the students more energetic endeavors."

Snape snorted as the students easily avoided the slowly swaying couple. Alexis offered, "I could always just dance for you? Remember the night of Remus' bachelor party?"

Snape scowled so blackly that a fifth year couple slunk from the floor, "I do not think that would be appropriate."

"You are probably right," Alexis leaned closer. "Perhaps a private dance later?"

Snape's hands tightened on her waist at the implied promise. Alexis started grinning at something behind Snape's back. Snape swung her around so that he could see what had her so amused. Fred and George had dragged Darien out on the floor to dance with them and several of the Gryffindor girls. Darien looked distinctly uncomfortable as he watched George and Fred flail around.

"He has good reflexes," Snape remarked as Darien ducked Fred's arm.

"Turn me, I want to watch too," Alexis asked.

Snape swung her a quarter turn so they were both able to watch the show, "Are they trying to teach him how to dance through negative reinforcement?" Alexis giggled as Darien had to execute a quick two step to keep from getting run over by George and Angelina.

"Ouch, that's going to hurt in the morning," Alexis winced in sympathy as Darien got caught between the twins and was elbowed in the ribs from both sides.

"Whatever possessed him to agree to dance in a group that consisted of the Weasley twins?" Snape shook his head in disbelief as he turned Alexis once more. Alexis was enjoying being in Snape's arms when she looked over his shoulder and found that they had strayed and were now dangerously close to the Weasley group. Disaster was about to strike. "Duck, Severus," Alexis warned as she began to drop to the floor.

Snape had been staring at a group of Slytherins who looked to be plotting something, "Where?" and turned just in time for Fred's, a.k.a. disaster's, hand to strike his nose.

"Bloody h…" Alexis managed to cast a silencing charm on Snape before he could finish that exclamation.

"Severus, let me see your nose," Alexis was trying to remove his hand from his face.

"He browke bmy nosbe," Snape was furious.

"Let me see," Alexis insisted while shooting Fred a warning look to vacate the immediate premises.

"I'md gonna kill himb," Snape tried to snarl.

Alexis managed to get Snape's hand away from his face, "I don't think it is broken," she said running a healing spell down the length.

Snape sighed in relief as the pain abated, "Severus, it was an accident," Alexis told him before he could go in search of Fred. "Let's just finish our dance, please," Alexis begged.

Snape reluctantly nodded his agreement. He could always hex the boy later.

The song smoothly, kind of, transitioned into a swing number. Most of the students just kept dancing however they wanted to. Some of the teachers took the floor and proceeded to impress the students with their abilities. The surprise couple was Madame Maxine and Hagrid.

"Oh my," Alexis just held onto Snape as the super sized couple began to jump and jive, "do you think the castle foundation is strong enough to withstand this?"

Snape was busy trying to keep his balance and so was unable to answer her. People were grabbing each other and anything they could reach to keep from being knocked off their feet by the shaking of the dance floor.

Alexis saw something popping in and out of thin air and tried to focus on it. She started giggling as she realized it was the house elves verifying that the castle was neither under attack nor the center of an earthquake. Alexis was brought back to the dancing display as a particularly energetic throw out caused Madame Maxine to hit a table breaking it into matchsticks. Luckily the people who had been sitting there were able to dive for safety and no one was hurt.

"He's not going to… Severus, we need to clear the dance floor," Alexis shouted over the noise.

"Why?" Snape asked as he started to try to make their way to the edge of the dance floor.

"He's going to spin her," Alexis shouted back at him.

"Bloody hell," Snape replied as he tried to figure out what to do.

"Sonorous," Alexis hollered.

Snape applied the charm and then applied it double strength, "Clear the dance floor, all students clear the dance floor. Hagrid is going to spin Madame Maxine."

That announcement started a mad scramble, "Do not panic, proceed in an orderly manner to the edge of the dance floor and find something sturdy to hold on to. MOVE!"

The announcement came just in time. The happy couple were so caught up in each other and the joy of the dance that they were totally oblivious to the mass exodus from the floor. Hagrid began a classic dance spin and Madame Maxine's smile lit up the room, unfortunately the displaced air from her body revolving in such a fast motion started up several whirlwinds. The Professors and staff were casting shield charms over the students to protect them from the flying decorations and debris. Somehow the band kept playing through the chaos and Dumbledore was able to signal them to bring the song to a close.

A drum crescendo indicated the end of the song and Hagrid stopped the tornado-like spin and ended up with Madame Maxine in a deep dip. As everyone got to their feet Dumbledore led the applause and soon everyone was joining in. Hagrid and Madame Maxine started as they realized the applause was for them and Hagrid gave a deep bow and Madame Maxine curtsied.

Alexis was smiling and trying to put her hair in some semblance of order when she noticed Draco crawling out from under one of the tables. He leaned over and offered his hand to help someone up. Alexis smiled to herself as she noticed that it was Ginny Weasley. Looking around she found Neville Longbottom helping Pansy Parkinson up. It looked as if Neville had shielded Pansy from the worst of the flying debris with his own body.

Ginny was dabbing at a cut on Draco's lip with a napkin and Pansy was rubbing Neville's back where he had gotten hit by a chair while protecting her. Alexis could see when it hit the four exactly who and what they were doing. Draco stood up and sneered at Ginny and then stalked over to Pansy who was now wiping her hands on a tablecloth as though to get Gryffindor gook off of them.

Alexis thought to herself that it was nice while it lasted.

Karkaroff approached them, "Severus, I really must insist on speaking with you."

Snape glared at him, "Very well, it is my turn to patrol the rose gardens. Follow me," he ordered and swept from the room leaving Karkaroff to follow or not.

Alexis turned at a hand on her arm, "Would you like to dance Mrs. Snape?" Neville stuttered.

Alexis let him lead her onto the floor.

SssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssS

Snape returned to the Great Hall to find his wife in the midst of a group of gyrating teens. She was laughing with them and moving to the heavy bass beat of the music. He noticed that she was slowly incorporating some of the shyer girls and boys into the group. Snape watched as she looked up directly at him as though sensing his gaze. The smile she gave him was blinding, she danced her way to the edge of the floor and then made her way over to him.

He had stationed himself with his back to wall and his arms crossed, "Hey big boy, how would you like to come home with me?" she teased him.

"Since we are already at home that question is rather moot," Snape smirked.

"Spoilsport," she frowned at him playfully.

"What time is it?" he asked irritably.

"Just another half hour and then we can herd the masses to bed," Alexis leaned against him companionably.

SssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssS

Alexis was still giggling when they entered their quarters, "Now I understand why you enjoy patrolling the halls so much."

"Indeed," Snape smirked at her.

"Yes, the students are very inventive in their search for privacy. I always did enjoy playing hide and seek," Alexis stretched and leaned back into Snape's hands as he rubbed her shoulders.

"There were times I wanted to award points for ingenuity," Alexis chuckled. "Were you that imaginative as a student?"

"Not quite," Snape said not wanting to admit that he hadn't needed to be imaginative.

"Ahh, well then perhaps, this summer, you and I need to explore the castle thoroughly. Just to make sure we are aware of all the places where students may try to enjoy illicit activities," Alexis winked at her husband.

"Perhaps," Snape agreed, "that would be most beneficial."

"I can understand the shadows behind some of the statues, but what were they thinking of trying to hide behind a suit of armor?" Alexis began giggling again. "When the armor started to sing 'I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts' I thought I was going to die laughing."

"Mr. Brown's and Miss Talbot's faces were cause for amusement as well," Snape smirked, "although they seemed to have chosen the armor because all of the statues were already in use."

Alexis smiled, "You are a very good at strategy," she complimented.

"It was easier this year since you were there to assist me," Snape allowed.

Alexis grinned as she remembered the looks on the students' faces. She would flush them out of hiding straight into Snape's waiting arms. All of the houses' were down points by the end of the night. Severus had already more than taken back the fifty points he had awarded Ravenclaw earlier.

"And what hex was used on Seamus Finnegan to have him running through the castle screaming that 'She's after my lucky charms'?"

Snape snorted as he handed Alexis a glass of wine and settled next to her on the couch, "I overheard the Weasley twins taking bets on what is going to happen to this year's defense teacher," Snape told her sneering.

"What odds are they giving?" Alexis asked interested.

"Alexis, that would just be tacky and tasteless," Snape told her disapprovingly. "Five to one that he will be able to last the year. But don't even think about it," he warned her, "I've already had Draco place a bet for me."

"I overheard several of the sixth years trying to convince the fourth years that they had to go to Astronomy lessons skyclad," Alexis told him.

Snape shuddered to think of a class of naked fourth years up at the Astronomy tower, "The possibilities for frostbite would be appalling."

"I caught one of your snakes pulling one of the oldest tricks in the book on every Gryffindor he could find," Alexis chuckled in remembrance.

"What?" Snape asked.

"He would walk up to a group of students and ask, 'How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?'" Alexis explained.

"And then he would walk away," Snape sighed. "Yes, one smart ass tries it every year," Snape smirked, "and the sad thing is…"

Alexis finished for him, "It works every year. They just stood there and looked at him as he left. Victor Krum had to stop Hermione from running after him for the answer."

"And apparently it is time for the lame jokes to appear again," Snape huffed in aggravation. "If one more student asks me about Love Potion Number Nine…"

"Make them sing the song," Alexis suggested with a naughty smirk.

"What song?" Snape wanted to know.

"The Love Potion Number Nine song," Alexis explained. "You didn't know that they are referring to a Muggle song?"

"No, but I would like you to obtain the words for me. Your suggestion has merit," Snape decided.

SssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssS

Snape looked around his fourth year Slytherin and Gryffindor potions class. The holidays had left everyone feeling rather rambunctious and he knew that the students were up to something.

Seamus Finnegan raised his hand after Snape had announced the potion to be prepared for this class. "Yes, Mr. Finnegan?" Snape had thought that Finnegan might be the one to attempt the prank. He would have to do something to replace the memory of him running through the halls screaming about his lucky charms.

"Professor Snape," Seamus was an unusual shade of red, "would this potion be suitable for use as a sexual lubricant?"

The whole class stilled as Snape stared down the unfortunate Mr. Finnegan. Snape was wondering to himself, why the students could not come up with something new and original.

"Only if you wish you and your partner's genitalia to spontaneously combust, Mr. Finnegan," there were winces all around. "Ten points from Gryffindor. Now get back to work," Snape glared and returned to his desk only to discover that Dean Thomas now had his hand up.

"Yes Mr. Thomas?" Snape sneered.

"Professor," Dean cleared his throat nervously, "when will we learn how to prepare Love Potion Number Nine?"

Snape decided to see if Alexis' suggestion would work, "Would anyone else like to know the answer to that question?"

As several of the Gryffindors raised their hands Snape smirked. "Stand up." The students stared at each other puzzled, "I said stand up for every second I have to wait for you to comply that will be five points from your house, per person."

There was a sudden scraping of chairs as the students sprang to their feet with alacrity. "Now the question Mr. Thomas has asked and the rest of you are so anxious to have answered is a tired attempt at a practical joke. As all of you should know, love potions are illegal. Now there is no such thing in the wizarding world as Love Potion Number Nine. However, the Muggles do have such an invention," Snape glared at the standing students. "I believe that these students should educate the rest of the class by singing the song that refers to the potion in question. The words are on the board," with a swish of his wand, "begin."

The Gryffindors were staring wide-eyed at the board as what Snape had just said sank in. "I'm waiting and for every second I wait ten points will be deducted from Gryffindor."

Dean Thomas finally started singing and the rest of the standing students reluctantly joined in:

I took my troubles down to Madame Ruth
You know that gypsy with the gold-capped tooth
She's got a pad down on Thirty-Fourth and Vine
Sellin' little bottles of Love Potion Number Nine

They started out mumbling the words, but being Gryffindors they soon got into it and began singing slightly louder:

I told her that I was a flop with chics
I've been this way since 1956
She looked at my palm and she made a magic sign
She said "What you need is Love Potion Number Nine"

Of course a few had to act out the next verse, Snape just rolled his eyes.

She bent down and turned around and gave me a wink
She said "I'm gonna make it up right here in the sink"
It smelled like turpentine, it looked like Indian ink
I held my nose, I closed my eyes, I took a drink

I didn't know if it was day or night
I started kissin' everything in sight
But when I kissed a cop down on Thirty-Fourth and Vine
He broke my little bottle of Love Potion Number Nine

I held my nose, I closed my eyes, I took a drink

I didn't know if it was day or night
I started kissin' everything in sight
But when I kissed a cop down on Thirty-Fourth and Vine
He broke my little bottle of Love Potion Number Nine
Love Potion Number Nine
Love Potion Number Nine
Love Potion Number Nine

By the end of the song, although all of the students were blushing, they had finished mainly together and surprisingly in tune.

"Very well," Snape said, "you may all be seated. I trust this is the last instance I will hear any questions about Love Potion Number Nine."

"Yes Professor," the Gryffindor half of the class responded while the Slytherins were trying to recover from their laughter.

AN: jonquillejaune: J.K. doesn't really go into Narcissa too much so I feel free to have fun with her. I don't think Lucius would allow anyone to get too close to her.

Radingsouls4u: Professor Engvall is loosely based (read grossly exaggerated) on a person I worked with for many years. She had displayed amazing loyalty to the boss and so she was fire-proof…no matter how much her cauldron overflowed.

GraceRichie: I actually got to be there for a taping of the Blue Collar TV Show. If you ever watch it…the live from Athens Georgia is where I live.

MarkDarcy: Just be aware…any stories you may tell me may end up fodder for my story.

Melissa: Thanks for the heads up. As soon as I got your review I went in and corrected them.

AN2: Most of the "jokes" in this chapter come from an email I got from Verity (I won't use her last name because I don't know if she would approve) entitled 50 Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts. Email me if anyone wants a copy.