Disclaimer: I don't own nor do I make money from any of this.
Chapter 31 Barking Mad
Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.
--Unknown
Snape sidled into the bedroom keeping his barely covered front to their guests. "Can I offer you a glass of wine?" Alexis said trying to divert Minerva's attempt to get a good look at Snape's bum.
"No thank you dear," Dumbledore replied before moving to block Professor McGonagall's view. "This will only take a moment." Dumbledore was giving the large black dog a considering look, "I see you have a new addition to your family?"
"Mother of Merlin," Minerva cried noticing the dog for the first time. "That beast is huge, and what happened to his hair? Does he have mange?"
Alexis sighed, "The boys happened. Coupled with Remus the poor beast ended up with bald spots. Darla took him in and, well, it's a long story," Alexis trailed off as Snape came back in properly dressed in trousers and a shirt. He refused to meet Minerva's gaze.
"Severus my dear boy, or should I say man," she started archly, only to have Dumbledore interrupt her.
"Minerva, stop trying to embarrass him," he admonished her. "Now, again I am sorry to interrupt but I wanted to go over a few things regarding the Tri-Wizard tournament."
Thirty minutes later Dumbledore and McGonagall were preparing to leave. "Severus, would you see if there isn't something you can do for that poor dog's fur?" Dumbledore asked looking at the bald spots.
Snape at first looked as if he were about to refuse but reconsidered, "Yes, Headmaster, I have the perfect potion to fix his fur."
Alexis and Pookie both gave him a suspicious look, but Snape only smirked.
As soon as Minerva and Albus had disappeared into the green flames, Snape headed into his private office. He returned with a large blue bottle which he handed to Alexis, "This will take care of the mutt's fur."
Alexis opened the bottle and held it out to Pookie, "Here you go, drink up."
Pookie turned his head and refused the bottle. Alexis slipped an arm around his neck and tried to pry his jaws open, "You have to take the potion, Pookie, or you will look like you have mange. Come on… cooperate," Alexis plead as Pookie squirmed and wiggled refusing to open his mouth.
"Alexis," Snape purred, "you don't drink it, you apply it topically. Make sure you rub it in all over." At her questioning look, "That is the only way to achieve a uniform look."
Alexis still had her doubts but she knew that Snape would never actually harm Darla's pet so she quickly cast a charm on Pookie to hold him in place and began to apply the potion.
"Make sure you really soak his fur," Snape instructed from his seat on the couch.
Pookie soon resembled a bear sized drowned rat. Snape made Alexis wash her hands and after taking Pookie out for a quick walk they went to bed. Pookie settled in the nursery near the babies. He had tried licking his fur dry but the potion had such a horrible taste that he soon quit.
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Sunday morning Alexis got up to feed the babies. She missed breast feeding the boys but since they had developed teeth she had switched them over to the bottle. It did make it easier since Snape could now help her out.
Stumbling into the nursery she waved her wand to light the candles and let out a shriek at the sight that greeted her. Snape was soon hovering over her with his wand drawn ready to face whatever evil might be threatening his family.
Alexis was pointing at Pookie, "Severus Snape, what did you give that poor dog?" she accused looking away from the pitiful sight of a now shivering and completely bald Pookie.
"Dumbledore requested that I assist the animal with its bald spots and that is what I did," Snape replied with a smirk. "He doesn't have anymore bald spots, you have to admit that."
"How can you say that?" Alexis demanded. "He is nothing but one big bald spot."
"That is not entirely true," Snape corrected her as he pointed to Pookie's feet. "It appears as if you didn't apply the potion everywhere." Poor Pookie looked like he was wearing fuzzy slippers. "I am really impressed with how thoroughly you applied it to his head," Snape smirked looking at the denuded animal.
Alexis looked at the shivering dog in horror. "How am I going to explain this to Darla? Severus, you have to fix it," Alexis waved her hand.
"Sorry dear," Snape said looking anything but sorry, "but it will just have to grow back naturally… unless I used the wrong potion… and then it would be permanent hair loss."
"You help me feed the babies and then you figure out what potion you used," Alexis ordered as she grabbed up one of the large blankets they used on the floor with the twins. Wrapping the lurid pink fabric with hopping bunnies around the trembling Pookie, "This will have to do until I can find you a sweater or something."
Snape and Alexis took care of the children and then put the twins in a playpen and Cynthia back in her cot. "Severus, we have to find something to put on Pookie. He can't stay wrapped up in that blanket all day and he can't go around naked." At Snape's look, "He'll get sick."
Snape disappeared in the bedroom and when he returned he tossed two items to Alexis. "Severus Snape you are not going to use your Disney shirt that Remus and Amber gave you for the dog," she told him disapprovingly as she held up the t-shirt with Grumpy on it. "And just what do you expect me to do with these?" holding up a pair of black boxers with yellow smiley faces on them. Alexis laughed as some of the smiley faces blew her kisses or winked at her, "Where did you get these?"
"They were a present from Flitwick," Snape responded, "and you said you didn't want a naked dog running around."
Alexis considered Pookie and then considered the boxers, "You may be right. With the way the boys have been grabbing hold of things, Pookie may be best protected by covering his bits. Now find me something to use for his upper body."
Snape reappeared with a lumpy green sweater with a silver "S" knit into it, "No, Severus, you are not going to use the sweater Molly gave you for Christmas either," she told him impatiently. "Why don't you get the one I knit you last year? You have about worn it out anyway."
"But I like that one," Snape complained.
"I'll knit you another," Alexis said flatly.
Snape left the room mumbling under his breath and returned with a black knit sweater that had seen much use, "Does it have to be this one?"
Alexis took it from him and poked a finger in one of the holes in the elbows, "Yes," she said as she held up the tattered hem for his inspection, "I will knit you another one," she promised.
Snape's look remained sullen until Alexis began to try to put the clothes on Pookie. Pookie had no intention of leaving his warm nest of a blanket, but Alexis was a stubborn woman and eventually managed to dump the poor beast out of the blanket and onto the floor. Snape watched bemused as Alexis used her fingers in a scissoring motion which caused the dog to freeze in place.
Alexis tried the boxers on first. Snape was sniggering as he watched her try to decide what to do with the thin rat like tail, "Severus, do you mind if I cut a hole in these for his tail?" she asked anxiously.
Snape managed to get out, "Not at all," then with an evil grin, "would you like me to use a cutting charm for you?"
Pookie yelped and tried to escape. There was no way he was going to allow Snape to use a cutting charm near his hind end.
Alexis tackled the escaping hound and managed to wrestle him back down, "No thank you," she said blowing a strand of her hair out of her face. A few deft snips of the scissors and Alexis pulled what was left of Pookie's tail out of his new smiley faced boxers, "I need to shrink them some," Alexis mused aloud. Casting a shrinking charm the boxers were soon fitted to the bald dog. Turning her attention to the sweater, "This is going to be more challenging."
By the time Alexis was finished dressing Pookie, Snape had to exert enormous amounts of willpower not to roll on the floor clutching his sides and laughing his ass off. The poor animal was wearing a shrunken sweater, shrunken boxers, two pairs of long grey sweat socks with the toes cut out so his feet could stick through and a floppy hat with holes for his ears that was fastened with a long knit scarf.
When Alexis left the room to put away the things she hadn't used Snape leaned over to whisper to the dog, "That should teach you not to eat my dinner."
Pookie couldn't even muster up a growl.
Snape heard Alexis call from the other room, "Severus, would you mind taking Pookie out so he can take care of his business?"
Snape smirked while Pookie whimpered, "It would be my pleasure, dear; where is his leash?"
It was a very cowed Pookie who returned from his walk. They had run into Fang and Hagrid in the Forbidden Forest. Fang had run off yelping at the strange sight and smell of Pookie in his rag-tag clothes. Hagrid had wanted to know what strange new critter Snape had gotten and was he going to be using him for potions ingredients. Hagrid had been very disappointed to find out it was only a hairless dog while Pookie had felt a measure of relief when Snape replied that he didn't need anything Pookie could provide in the way of potions ingredients. Snape had charmed the shorts off so that Pookie could take care of business but much to Pookie's dismay had replaced them as soon as they reached the castle.
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Remus and Amber arrived to pick up Cynthia and Pookie with Darla tagging along claiming to have missed her precious baby.
Pookie was laying in the corner with his back to Snape and Alexis. He was chewing on one of the socks on his front legs and growled if anyone but Aleser or Nathair approached him. Aleser was companionably chewing on the sock opposite to the one Pookie was working on and Nathair had burrowed under the sweater and fallen asleep.
Darla gave Snape and Alexis a hurried and brief greeting before calling, "Pookie baby, mama's here. Where's my baby?"
Pookie let out a low woof so as not to startle the boys. Darla hurried over and immediately pulled off the hat and screeched, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY POOKIE!"
Amber and Remus hurried over to see what could have caused such a reaction from Darla and to help soothe the babies who were now wailing.
Remus took one look at Pookie's bald head and weird apparel and burst into whoops of laughter. Amber had picked up Nathair and was soothing him when she noticed Pookie's dramatically different appearance. She just gaped at him.
Alexis tried to appease Darla, "It was a potion accident. There was a misunderstanding and Severus tried to fix his bald spots but instead of growing hair, it removed all of the hair." Alexis glared at Snape who smirked broadly, "It's temporary, the hair will grow back. I just put some clothes on him so he wouldn't get cold," Alexis finished lamely as she took a good look at Pookie.
"Pookie, I am so sorry baby," Darla had Pookie's hat crumpled in her hands; "I can't believe she would dress you in such mismatched clothes."
By the time their guests had left, Darla had transfigured Pookie's clothes into a stylish ensemble. Instead of smiley face boxers he was wearing neon pink shorts with rhinestones around the tail hole and scattered all over. A matching pink jumper was teamed with pink and white striped socks. Darla had been unhappy with the rat like tail protruding from the back of the pink shorts. Borrowing another sock she had transfigured it so that it was now covered with pink faux fur and fit over Pookie's tail. She hadn't been able to charm it tight enough and at first it had slipped off every time Pookie's tail drooped. Darla had fixed that by tying it tightly on with a lovely white ribbon. A floppy white hat tied with a pink scarf completed the outfit. Pookie looked like he would take a bite out of anyone who came too near and Remus still hadn't stopped laughing.
Alexis walked her friends to the gates and almost felt sorry for Pookie. Collin Creevey had managed to take several pictures with Darla's smiling cooperation. She was very proud of Pookie's ensemble. Alexis had snuck some pictures of her own using the pretense of taking baby pictures. She planned to use them to appease Snape's wrath when he discovered who Pookie/Snuffles really was. She hoped having the pictures of a bald Sirius Black in animagus form as well as dressed in both outfits would counter balance the fact that she had known who he was from the beginning.
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Pookie's trip through Hogsmeade was sheer torture. He tried to pull Darla through the village but Darla insisted upon keeping pace with the Remus and Amber who were leisurely strolling along pushing Cynthia in her pram.
The final touch to Pookie's indignation came when Madame Malkin came out of her shop and praised Pookie's ensemble at the top of her not inconsiderable lungs. A crowd had gathered and before long Darla, with Madame Malkin's assistance, had obtained orders to fit several of the local witches and wizards' pets with 'walking' outfits. Darla was beaming by the time they got home.
Remus was finally able to convince Darla that she needed to work on some sketches for her upcoming appointments and to leave Pookie with him. Remus took Pookie into the parlor and locked and warded the room.
Pookie morphed back into a very disgruntled Sirius Black. Neither wizard realized that because the clothes had been put on him while he was in his animagus form, they would not disappear. Remus was glad he had put a silencing charm on the room. He just wished he had a camera to record for posterity the site of Sirius Black, former Gryffindor sex-god, completely hairless, wearing neon pink skin tight boxers, a sweater that was little more than a crop top, with the pink and white socks on his hands and legs and the faux fur tail hanging down in back: the potion that had dissolved Pookie's fur and also dissolved Sirius' robes.
"Mooney, if you don't get me something decent to put on Cynthia will be an only child," Sirius threatened.
"Padfoot old chum is your voice higher or is it just me," Remus teased watching as Sirius tried to shift the shrunken boxers and obtain more room.
"Mooney I am warning you," Sirius would have looked more threatening if the floppy hat wasn't still covering half of his face, "these things are cutting me in half."
Remus found some old robes of his and Sirius gratefully changed while muttering, "I don't know why everyone and everything seems to be threatening my bits."
"What did you say?" Remus asked.
Sirius glared at him, "Everyone and his brother seems determined to make me a eunuch. Amber says I have to be fixed. You have threatened me with neutering and yesterday Alexis told me she was going to take me to a Muggle vet and have my bits and balls cut off. I'm tired of it!"
Remus settled on the couch, "Well then behave you horny bastard. Now how did this happen?" Remus waved his hand to indicate Sirius' baldness.
"It was Snivellus, you know he has always hated me," Sirius growled.
"But he doesn't know that Pookie is you," Remus told him reasonably, "Exactly what did you do to get on Severus' bad side?" Remus asked suspiciously.
"Why do you think I would have done something?" Sirius asked indignantly, "And have you noticed anything strange about Alexis?" he said trying to change the subject. He really didn't want to have to explain about eating Snape and Alexis' prime rib dinner. Sirius knew that it was still a soar spot that Remus had to eat a sandwich Friday night while Pookie had eaten steak.
"What do you mean?" Remus wanted to know.
"How many people talk to animals as if they are going to understand them?"
"All the pet lovers I know talk to their animals," Remus told him.
"Yes, but none of them actually act like the animals should know and respond to what they are saying," Sirius told him, "I mean from the first time I met her she acted as if she knew I wasn't just a dog. There is something about her that just doesn't add up and I am going to find out what it is."
"Speaking of things that don't add up, I have got to tell Amber who you really are," Remus told him.
"She's your wife and you know her. I'll leave that up to you," Sirius told him.
Remus winced thinking of Amber's reaction to hearing she was playing host to notorious mass murderer Sirius Black.
Darla fussed when she came down later to find Pookie in all his bare glory. Remus had to reassure her that Pookie would not catch cold. The Hogwart's dungeons were much colder and damper than their cozy cottage and Remus would fix him something to wear when they went outside.
Darla reluctantly acquiesced and then started showing Amber and Remus her sketches for a complete line of pet outfits.
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Snape relaxed for the first time since he had found that dog in his quarters. There was something strange about that mutt. The damn dog set his nerves on edge. Slinky approached Snape, "Master Snape sir, I is finding this in the nursery. It was being in all the dog hairs that were being on the floor," Slinky held out a piece of leather.
Snape took it from him and read the inscription on it, 'If found please return to Draluck Avon River Manor 12325 Carlingcott Bath England.' It was a dog collar, "Thank you Slinky, I will make sure Mistress gets it back.
Slinky nodded and hurried away to finish cleaning.
Snape sat and turned the collar over and over in his hands while he tried to put it all together. He knew Alexis had taken up with a stray last year. The stray had disappeared but now was apparently back. Something wasn't adding up. He wondered if it was one of those things Dumbledore wouldn't allow Alexis to tell him.
AN: Melissa: Mistress of Grammar Mistakes….thanks for the e-card. It made my evening.
JennSmith: Hmmm….thanks for the idea!
MarkDarcy: I still have that site bookmarked, for when I need inspiration. Thanks for the primerib…ribeye correction.
Marymistressabagail: Sorry for the confusion….and thanks for reading and reviewing.
Jonquillejaune: Pookie may have already seen Snape nekid….."Snape's Worst Memory" in OOTP where the Marauders turn him upside down and threaten to take off his underpants. Snape interrupts Harry before he can see if they do manage to get them off of him.
GraceRichie: Ahh, Alexis needs a new prank victim and who better than Pookie?
AN2: For those over eighteen who are not offended by male nudity and are interested check out www dot playwitch dot net under past issues for a picture to go along with Minerva's comment.