Disclaimer: Not mine.

Chapter 35

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

Phyllis Diller

Alexis was torn between laughter and horror as she looked first at Nathair's baby book and then at Aleser's: she really should have investigated any gift from Fred and or George Weasley a little more thoroughly. Instead of 'baby's first word' the entry was 'baby's first curse word' and there in bright red ink was 'Luddy 'ell'. Apparently the book was also able to insert photos of momentous events. There was a lovely photo of Nathair puking on Snape and then, one in each book, photos of the boys pasted to Pookie with teething biscuits.

The book also contained entries for 'baby's first spanking', 'baby's first magical moment', and 'baby's first absolutely, truly, disgusting snack'. Alexis had to quickly close Nathair's book as she saw the entry and accompanying picture. She suppressed a shudder and made a mental note to use a permanent sticking charm to seal those pages closed.

Star landed on the arm of her chair and dropped a letter on top of Aleser's book. Giving the dragon lizard an affectionate caress, Alexis opened the letter from Amber and Remus. After the debacle when Cynthia transformed into a guardian asp, everyone had been working on a way to control the tiny shape shifter without stunting her abilities.

"Who is the letter from?" Snape queried as he came in from settling the boys down for their naps.

"Remus and Amber," Alexis replied and then grinned excitedly, "and it looks as if they have found another animorphmagus," Alexis continued to read the note, "Filius' sister's husband's cousin on his father's side has a daughter who's husband's uncle is one." Alexis read that part of the letter again, "Yes, I think I have that right," Snape snorted impatiently, "Anyway, Buck, that's the uncle's name, has agreed to come and meet with Remus and Amber and try to help them with Cynthia. Amber asks that we both be there for the meeting," Alexis glanced over at Snape who nodded curtly, "this Saturday?"

Snape nodded again: he would never admit it but he was curious to meet an adult animorphmagus.

"Oh, I have something for you," Snape said reaching into his pocket and pulling out a bottle.

Alexis wrinkled her nose as she instantly recognized the pre-natal potion.

"I have found a way to make it chocolate flavored without any adverse side-effects," Snape stated with a proud smirk more than ready to receive Alexis' gestures of appreciation.

Alexis shrugged, "Thank you Severus."

Snape stared at her nonplussed, "What did you just say?"

Alexis looked up from re-reading the letter, "Thank you."

"Don't you want some now? It tastes just like extra dark double chocolate brownies," he coaxed.

"I'll take some with dinner," Alexis smiled up at him.

Snape stared at Alexis wondering what had happened to his chocolate loving wife.

Alexis glanced back up at him before suddenly yawning, "I think I am going to take a nap. You know Poppy told us that I should be sure and get plenty of rest. Especially since we are having another baby so close to the twins," Alexis settled onto the couch stifling another yawn, Snape handed her a pillow for her head, "thank you," she snuggled into it.

Snape watched for a moment as Alexis drifted off to sleep and then checking the time went to his next class.

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Late that night, Snape reached out half-asleep, to pull Alexis into his arm. He woke up fully when he only found her pillow. Her side of the bed was cool to the touch so she had been gone for a little while. He vaguely remembered feeling her get up from the bed and muttering about going to the bathroom.

Alert and worried, he rose from the bed and pulled on his robe. The bathroom and sitting rooms were empty. Looking into the nursery he saw the boys fast asleep. Star was curled up in a basket on a shelf overlooking the crib. Snape noticed that Slinky had made up a bed under the crib. This wasn't the first time Snape had found Slinky asleep in the nursery. He made a mental note to get Slinky some assistance. With Alexis pregnant and the boys getting older, Slinky would wear himself to a shadow trying to keep up with everything.

Putting the issue of Slinky to the back of his mind, Snape continued his search for Alexis. She was no where in their quarters. Leaving a note for Slinky instructing him to send Star if there was a problem, Snape began to search for his wayward wife.

The portraits in the hallway were rude when he woke them to see if they had seen Alexis. A group of poker playing krups was able to point him in the right direction and with directions from several more paintings and a suit of armor, Snape found himself in front of a large painting of a bowl of fruit. Gritting his teeth at the banality of the act, Snape tickled the pear until it finally turned into a door handle. Stepping into the kitchen he heard the excited squeals of house elves and finally his wife's voice. Creeping up silently for a better view, Snape had to repress a snort at the sight that greeted him.

Alexis was seated at one of the long tables surrounded by food. She was currently tasting something that looked like a baked potato covered in sour cream. Snape fought a gag as he realized that it was whipped cream with candy sprinkles and not sour cream.

Alexis shook her head regretfully, "That's not quite it either," at the elves' crestfallen looks, Alexis offered, "I am so sorry to be so difficult. I just can't exactly explain what it is I am craving."

"Mistress Snape must try again," one of the elves squeaked up to her, "We is wanting to make her happy." All the elves earnestly nodded their agreement.

"I want something salty, but sweet, with a bit of a crunch and a gooey texture that is not too sweet," Alexis said.

The elves formed a huddle before hurrying over to the stove and storage rooms. Snape watched in disbelief as Alexis grabbed a celery stick from one plate and dipped it into strawberry syrup from another and finally rolled the mess in a bowl of what looked to be sunflower seeds and began to nibble on it.

The sound of scurrying feet drew Snape's attention to where the house elves were bringing another offering to Alexis, "Here, Mistress Snape try this," the tallest elf offered, "it is crisps with ice cream."

Alexis looked intrigue and took a crisp and scooped up a glob of ice cream and tried it. A big smile broke out over her face, "This is almost it. Hand me the ketchup and those jalapeno peppers," she ordered. Snape had to close his eyes as she squirted a generous amount of ketchup on the ice cream and then garnished the disgusting mess with several jalapenos. A moan of satisfaction had his eyes popping open as Alexis took another scoop of ketchup covered ice cream on a crisp and swallowed it and then followed it with a pepper chaser.

"Hand me the jar please," Alexis asked and proceeded to pour the juice from the peppers into a goblet and drink it straight. Settling into her seat, "Perfect," she pronounced with a small burp, and the elves erupted into cheers.

The cheers spurred Snape into action, "Alexis," he said sternly. Alexis and the elves jumped guiltily.

"Hello Severus," Alexis said before trying to cram more of her nauseating concoction into her mouth.

"Alexis stop it you will make yourself sick," Snape ordered as he strode up to her.

"Can I finish this serving?" Alexis managed to get out around another spoonful she was shoveling in.

Snape tried to take the bowl away from her, but she slipped under the table and hid.

"Alexis," he gritted out, "stop acting like a child."

"I will in just a minute," Alexis mumbled.

Snape tapped his foot impatiently, "Alexis Snape I want you to come out from under the table this instant."

Alexis scurried out from under the far side of the table red faced and with cheeks full of food.

"Alexis put the food down, it will make you sick," Snape ordered.

"Will not," Alexis said, although it sounded more like, "il ot" because of the amount of food in her mouth.

Snape began to work his way around to the side of the table Alexis was on, but she continued to shove food into her mouth as she moved away from him.

Snape remembered his wand and drew it. Alexis glared at him and with a mighty swallow cleared her mouth, "Don't you even think about it Severus Snape."

"Think about what?" he questioned innocently.

"Using that thing on me," she warned moving closer to the table.

Snape's eyes flitted to the table to see where her wand was. That was the only opening Alexis needed. Picking up a pie from the corner of the table, Alexis heaved it at him.

Snape looked up at her grunt of effort in time to get the pie full in the face. Wiping the meringue and sardines from his face Snape shot her a fulminating glare, "So that is how you want to play it." Alexis started to back up and the elves scattered as Snape picked up a bowl of mashed potatoes and raspberries and threw a large spoonful at her.

Ducking the potatoes and berries, Alexis grabbed for a bowl of candied yams and pretzels and began pelting Snape with handfuls of the mess.

Snape continued to duck Alexis' return fire and fired potatoes and berries until the bowl was empty. He dropped the empty bowl and Alexis took the chance to fling most of a roasted chicken at him from where she was now hiding behind one of the stoves. The chicken hit Snape square in the middle of his chest and one of the wings got caught in the opening of his robe and hung there for a moment before falling to the floor.

Snape summoned a bowl of baked apples with meatballs and kicked over a bench to use as cover. A helpful house elf handed Alexis a bowl of grape fruit halves sprinkled with crushed candy coated peanuts and Alexis was lobbing them at Snape with a slingshot made from a linen napkin.

Snape glared at the elf who with a squeak popped out. Grabbing up a discarded tray and using it as a shield, Snape stood up to fling apples and meat balls at Alexis. Seeing that Alexis was temporarily without ammunition, Snape began to rush her defenses. He tripped over a discarded capon before sliding across the floor on some of the banana pudding that had been used as stuffing for the bird. Alexis had re-armed herself during his distraction and charged her fallen foe with a large bowl of creamed spinach and molasses with chopped walnuts. Straddling his chest and pinning his arms with her knees, Alexis was getting ready to smear his face with the contents of the serving dish she held when a loud voice interrupted her concentration, "Minerva, it looks as if we will have to search elsewhere for our midnight snack. The kitchen appears to be in use tonight."

"In use is hardly the phrase I would have chosen, Albus," Professor McGonagall's disapproving voice came in reply.

Alexis shifted off of Snape and carefully placed the bowl on the floor.

Snape tried to get to his feet but couldn't get any traction on the food slick floor, "Don't bother rising Severus," Albus chuckled, "we'll just see ourselves out." As they turned to go, "I trust you two will see the kitchen to rights?"

"Yes headmaster," the two embarrassed adults chorused.

"Do you remember the food fight we had?" McGonagall whispered to Dumbledore just as the kitchen door swung shut.

"I did not need that visual," Alexis moaned before resting her head on Snape's chest.

Snape only nodded in agreement not trusting himself to speak yet.

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Alexis looked up at the sound of a loud, off-key and obnoxious voice coming toward her down the corridor, "I could while away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers consultin' with the rain. And my head I'd be scratchin' while my thoughts were busy hatchin' If I only had a brain." Neville Longbottom was hurrying down the hallway, head down and with flushed cheeks.

Alexis hurried over to Neville while the singing continued, "I'd unravel every riddle for any individ'le, in trouble or in pain. With the thoughts you'll be thinkin' you could be another Lincoln if you only had a brain."

"Neville," she stopped the Gryffindor fourth year, "What is going on?"

Neville mumbled something that Alexis couldn't make out as the voice continued, "I would not be just a nothin' my head all full of stuffin' my heart all full of pain. I would dance and be merry; life would be a ding-a-derry, if I only had a brain."

Alexis looked around trying to find out who was singing. There was no one in sight, "Did someone hex you?"

Neville shook his head and wouldn't meet her eyes. The voice started to repeat the song again and Alexis glared down the hallway, "Show yourself," she demanded.

Just then Draco Malfoy came into view followed by Crabbe and Goyle, they were all laughing and snickering. Before Alexis could scold them for teasing Neville, the voice started a new song, "You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself walk by and all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner, they'd be your partner. You're so vain; you probably think this song is about you. You're so vain."

Draco scowled around the corridor, "Shut it!"

"Draco," Alexis called him, "Can you tell me what is going on?"

Draco glared daggers at the ceiling from where the next verse of the song was coming, "That oaf Hagrid.."

Alexis interrupted, "Professor Hagrid," she said firmly.

Draco fought back a sneer, "Yes, him. His latest creature got away from him."

Now the voice was singing, "And then sneaky snake goes dancin', wigglin' and a-hissin'
Sneaky snake goes dancin', gigglin' and a-kissin'."

"What is it? And why is it singing Muggle songs?" Alexis was getting a headache from the horrible singing.

"It is supposed to be a Mocking Bird," Draco explained, still scanning for the owner of the aggravating voice.

Harry, Hermione and Ron came hurrying around the corner. "Malfoy," Harry gritted out, "if Hagrid gets in trouble because you let the Mocking Bird out of his cage, I'll…" just then Harry noticed Alexis, "Madame Snape, I didn't see you their."

"Obviously," Draco sneered, "Would you like to finish your threat?" he invited silkily.

"Children behave, that's what they say when we're together. And watch what you say…" came floating down from the rafters.

"Yes Potter," came from behind Alexis as Snape slide into view a smirk slipping across his face, "What exactly were you going to say to Mr. Malfoy?" he finished silkily.

"He's a cold-hearted snake, look into his eyes," was the Mocking Bird's contribution.

"Silence," Snape hissed glaring around the corridor.

Just then a flurry of first years came scurrying down the corridor on their way to lunch, "We represent the lollipop guild the lollipop guild the lollipop guild and we'd like to welcome you to Munchkin land."

The first years only sped up slightly not even glancing around to see who was singing to them. After almost a full year at Hogwarts they were used to strange voices coming from no where.

"It seems to be fond of The Wizard of Ox," Alexis muttered.

"Everybody's a critic," was the croaking response.

"Show yourself," Alexis demanded not noticing that Snape and Draco had both drawn their wands. The sight of his two arch nemesis armed spurred Harry to draw his wand with Hermione and Ron quickly following his example.

"Treat me like a fool, treat me mean and cruel," rasped the Mocking Bird.

"There he is," shouted Ron.

There was a loud bang and a bright flash of light. Alexis found herself shielded under Snape's cloak. She peeked out to see Crabbe and Goyle sitting stunned on the floor. Crabbe's mouth was gone and Goyle's school robes had vanished leaving him standing in Martin Miggs, the Mad Muggle boxer's.

"I didn't know they made them that big," Ron whispered.

"Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley and Miss. Granger," Snape sneered, "Detention for practicing magic in the hallways."

A chorus of objections erupted from the trio all of which Snape ignored, "Mr. Malfoy, take Crabbe to the infirmary," he paused as Alexis wiggled out and took off her outer robe before handing it to Goyle.

"Miss. Granger would you be so kind as to enlarge my robe and although I am sure Gregory would look lovely in periwinkle blue, perhaps black would be a more appropriate color."

"Yes Madame Snape," Hermione was torn between glee at being asked to perform for a teacher and dismay that she was being asked to do something to help Goyle.

As Hermione perfectly performed the necessary charms, Alexis smiled, "Ten points to Gryffindor," stepping back slightly into Snape as she heard him start to object.

Snape snarled as he said, "Follow me so that we can arrange your detention."

As they headed off to the dungeons the Mocking Bird could be heard to sing, "No body knows the troubles I've seen, no body knows my sorrows…."

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"So has Hagrid captured the mocking bird?" Alexis asked when she saw Snape at dinner.

"Not that I am aware of," Snape sneered, "the headmaster has requested a meeting with us after dinner," Snape continued. "And he asked that we bring the boys with us."

"Did he say why?" Alexis asked.

"We were interrupted before he could say anything else," Snape huffed, "Not that I really think he was going to explain why," he finished snidely.

Alexis nodded, "I don't understand it though, a mocking bird seems rather tame for one of Hagrid's classes."

"From the information I have been able to gather, Hagrid obtained the bird from a friend who had found it in a Muggle pet store. He was trying to find a new home for the pest when it somehow escaped."

Alexis gave him a questioning look.

Snape ignored her.

"Somehow escaped," Alexis snorted.

Snape continued to ignore her.

"Yeah right," Alexis chortled as she finished her dinner.

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"Alexis do you really think it is necessary to bring all of this to a simple meeting with the headmaster?" Snape groused as he stared in disbelief at the diaper bags, playpen and a collection of toys to keep the toddlers occupied.

"Yes," she replied firmly as she grabbed the bags and gestured for him to pick up the playpen and carrier of toys.

A few minutes later the door to their quarters opened, "Not a word Severus," Alexis' voice had a decidedly irate tone, "Not one single word," she ordered as she went into the nursery and returned carrying Aleser and Nathair.

Snape just smirked at her, watching silently as she juggled the boys and the bags before taking out his wand and levitating the bags to follow behind her, "Thank you," she replied stiffly, still not looking directly at him.

"If you are ready?" he replied silkily.

They were in the seventh floor corridor leading to the headmaster's office and Alexis still hadn't met Snape's gaze.

Snape couldn't resist any longer, "Alexis," he started.

"Severus, I don't want to hear about it," she stated firmly.

"It's just," he paused for effect, "it is such a cliché."

"What?" Alexis demanded.

"I mean, the overworked, expectant mother forgetting her children," Snape shrugged, "it really is a cliché. I mean it has been done to death."

Alexis stared up at him unable to think of a response.

"I really expected something, I don't know, with more panache or style," Snape continued.

"Like what exactly," Alexis said dangerously.

"Maybe you in your Animagus form eating the twins and me having to rescue them," Snape replied studiously not looking at her.

Alexis spluttered incoherently at that remark.

"Or, especially with the way your magic has been acting lately, you accidentally transfiguring them into bunnies or something."

Alexis opened her mouth to reply when before she could form the first word Snape continued, "and then you eating the bunnies while in your Animagus form."

This time he risked a look at Alexis, "Alexis, is something wrong, you seem rather flushed."

Before she could reply Snape again interrupted, "We had better hurry or we will be late for our meeting with Professor Dumbledore," he levitated his burdens and with a solicitous hand under her elbow, he hurried her along.

Faintly Alexis could hear a raucous voice singing, "We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz."

Alexis was still shooting Snape aggravated glares when they reached the headmaster's office. The door had been left open for them and it was only the work of a moment for Alexis and Snape to be seated in front of the desk and Aleser and Nathair to be seated on Albus' knees.

"Albus I really don't," Alexis tried to stop the headmaster but it was too late, both boys' faces were now screwed up at the sour taste of the lemon drops Dumbledore had eagerly given them.

Alexis settled back into her chair trying not to giggle at the faces the boys were making. They would scrunch up their faces and shudder and then continue to gnaw the lemony candy. Since they only had about seven teeth between the two of them, it was hard going.

"Thank you both for coming tonight," Dumbledore started, "tea? Lemon drop?" he offered.

When both were refused, Dumbledore continued, "Ever since Severus told me you were expecting another child, I have been trying to determine the best course of action to assist you both. Of course your quarters will have to be enlarged, but I was also thinking about more help for you with the children," looking at Alexis, "I was hoping to be able to continue to rely upon you to act as an informal counselor and intermediary for the students?" at her nod of agreement and in response to Snape's scowl, "It would be on a very part-time basis and I understand that you would have to have maternity leave. By the way, when is the baby due?"

"Sometime in December," Alexis and Snape responded at the same time.

"Ahhh, perhaps the winter holidays," Dumbledore smiled genially, "that way Severus would be able to have some time with the new baby."

Alexis responded dryly, "I'll do my best to cooperate headmaster."

"Ahh my dear, I realize that babies come when babies come," he chuckled.

"Now I have taken the liberty of consulting with Slinky and he has recommended one of the house elves. I would like you to meet her and see if you believe she will fit into your family circle," Dumbledore continued to smile happily.

Snape was torn between aggravation that once again Dumbledore was interfering in his life and gratitude that he would not have to try to find someone to help Alexis and Slinky, "We would be happy to consider this elf," with a glance at Alexis to confirm, "especially if Slinky is recommending her."

"Yes, yes, I know that she has a great deal of experience with young children. I inherited her when her last family was no longer in need of her services," Dumbledore finished delicately. "Why don't I call her and you can interview her?"

Alexis and Snape nodded their agreement and Dumbledore called into the hearth, "Popkins."

A loud pop heralded the arrival of a slender and taller than average house elf. She had a bib apron on instead of the usual tea towel.

"Headmaster I is here," she said in a high pitched voice.

"Very good Popkins," he smiled at her, "I would like you to meet Professor Snape and his wife Madame Snape. These are their sons and they are expecting a little girl in about six months."

The diminutive creature turned and bobbed a curtsey.

Alexis looked at Snape who just smirked and nodded to her to conduct the interview.

"So, Popkins," Alexis started, "What experience do you have with children?"

Dumbledore interrupted, "I can attest for the vast experience that she brings to the table."

Alexis gave him a puzzled look before turning back to the elf, "So tell me a little about yourself Popkins."

"I is having a cheery disposition and I is playing games, all sorts. I is kind and witty and very sweet. I's like to take babies on outings, give'em treats, sing songs and bring sweets. I's never being cross or cruel. I's not believing in castor oil or gruel. I love the master and mistress' babies as sons and daughter, and I never, never smell of barley water."

Alexis stared at Popkins, she knew that speech from somewhere but could not remember from where.

Snape was smirking, "Do you wish to accept this position?"

"Oh yes master professor Snape sir, I is loving to take care of children," was the earnest answer.

He cast a sidelong look of question at Alexis who nodded once thinking that they could try her out for a while and see how she fit. "Very well then Popkins, we would like you to start as soon as the headmaster can release you from your current duties," Snape continued.

Clapping her hands Popkins smiled brightly, "Thank you Master Professor Snape," she paused, "But if the master and mistress do not mind, I is going by another name. A name the children gives me," she said hesitantly.

"Use whatever name you wish," Snape said indifferently.

"The children is calling me Merry," she said happily, "because I is so happy."

Alexis started as she remembered where she had heard the speech from, "You mean your name is Merry Popkins?" she gasped out.

Dumbledore allowed Snape to Floo from his office directly to their quarters. Alexis had not stopped giggling but she refused to go see Madame Pomfrey.

Snape gave the twins to Slinky and led his wife to bed. She was singing something under her breath that sounded like "Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim cher-oo! Good luck will rub off when I shake 'ands with you. Or blow me a kiss and that's lucky too."

Snape kissed her and settled her under the covers and as she drifted off to sleep he heard her mutter, "I should have known we would end up with a nanny named Merry Popkins."

AN Song lyrics in order of appearance:

Wizard of Oz

Carly Simon "You're so Vain"

Tom T Hall "Sneaky Snake"

Tiffany "I Think We're Alone Now"

Paula Abdul "Cold-hearted Snake"

Wizard of Oz

Elvis Presley "Love Me"

Louis Armstrong "No Body Knows The Troubles I've Seen"

Wizard of Oz

Mary Poppins

AN2: Thanks for the inspiration MarkDarcy!