"This is idiotic." I say to myself as I stare down at my feet, they swing freely in the breeze wishing to fly off with the wind. The shoes dangle from the straps un-naturally, though the weight distribution is off between the two as my right heel has snapped off. Ten years ago I rarely wore heels, I always wore boots. I always dressed for combat as I worked at the SGC. I never dressed like this. I never would have worn a provocative dress like this. Not in front of him anyway. Ten years ago at the SGC, everything between us was awkward yet frivolous and irritatingly uncertain. It was adorable, but that's changed now. Everything he says seems rehearsed and distant. His cynicism has vanished, though I'm not sure if that's a bad thing. It is. Any change is bad. I fell for his wacky antics and lighthearted appeal. He is mechanical and lifeless today. I thought I saw a spark of hope in his eyes when I accepted his offer of dance but the reality hit him and he couldn't stand the closeness between us as we moved across the dance floor.
I miss what we had. I destroyed that.
There is almost hate between us now and it kills me to see this go on. It kills everyone who ever knew of our prohibited love.
"Samantha" my husband calls me from the limousine. A twenty year old slut is clinging to his arm, telling him to leave me behind. He knows that I am aware of his many affairs and doesn't bother to hide them. For five years I have been sleeping in the spare bedroom while his 'girl of the week' stays with him in our bed. Over the years of our marriage he has become more and more like just an annoying roommate to me. He won't touch me though. He knows I detest him and if he tried to force himself upon me, I wouldn't hesitate to kill him. I've tried for a divorce but he wouldn't sign and I didn't have the energy to go through court over the matter. Now I just live around him, barely ever talking to him and kicking myself when we pose as a happy couple for the cameras. How I got into this mess, I don't know. I was tricked by roses and charisma; and the need to break free from the impossible love I was holding out for. I made a mistake in accepting his proposal. I wish I'd married Jack! My real love.
"Samantha, are you coming home tonight?" my husband asks me. He has wondered over to my side and his tart is watching from the limousine
"No" I mutter my reply, still staring down at my broken heel
"Well me and… what's her name?" he slurs
"Vanessa"I reply. His drunken idiocy is amusing
"Yes I and Vanessa are going back to the hotel. you can find your own way back cant you dear?" he asks placing a hand on my shoulder
"I'll be fine" I turn to him and glance back at the limousine.
"That's my girl" he pats my back sounding satisfied. He places his arms around me and gently kisses me on the forehead
"There's no camera's" I warn him
"I know, you looked like you needed a hug and I was just being courteous" he smiles as he stands up
"That's a laugh" my tone is dripping with disdain.
"Come away from the edge dear, anyone would think you were going to make an attempt on your life" he says grabbing onto my wrist. I rip my arm out of his grasp
"Leave me!" I snap and he shakes his head at my out burst. He hates not having power over me and I recklessly test his patient's everyday. He looks across the deck of the ferry that the reunion was held on. The party is still going on upstairs but few people are actually up there. The ferry has docked now and many people are driving off of the ferry. My husband retreats to his Vanessa. The limousine leaves and I'm left alone to stare blankly at my feet. I sigh and take off my wedding ring, placing it beside me. The waters below me are still deep but the drop alone couldn't kill me. An attempt on my life would prove futile. I stand and almost slip as I expect the broken heel to still be there. I steady myself and move away from the edge. I reach over and grab the ring and stand ready to drop it into the water. A creak in the floor boards behind me stops me.
"What do you want Jack?" I ask gruffly. I had hesitated to drop the sir at first but I eventually got used to addressing him informally.
"How did you know it was me?" he asks plainly
"Only you would approach with caution" I mutter wiping my eyes "well Daniel might but he didn't come" I say turning around. There's pain in my eyes that anyone else would freak out over but Jack is blind to my emotion.
"I'm about to leave, figured I might as well say my goodbyes. Where's the mister?" he asks seemingly uninterested
"He left with your daughter" I smirk and his brow-line creases in confusion "his latest college drop-out for a girlfriend" I can't be bothered lying for my pathetic husband
"Oh" he mouths "I didn't think he was as charming as the pictures portrayed"
"You're the first" I smile tossing the ring in my hand and catching it like it was baseball
"What's that?" he asks hesitantly
"My wedding ring" I reply and then turn back to the waters and toss it as far out into the waters as I can. He stares wide eyed
"I hadn't heard you two were getting a divorce" he states edging closer
"Were not" I sigh and Jack looks at me questioningly "I know, it's stupid to stay with him but I've thought it over and I don't really care anymore so just spare me the grief"
"You ever tried?" he asks standing next to me. I nod.
"He wouldn't sign" I smile clenching my teeth "I didn't want anything from the marriage and we have separate bank accounts but he didn't want his precious reputation slain over a divorce"
"Why not just leave?" he suggests
"And go where? Another planet?" I roll my eyes at the thought
"It's an option Sam!" he snaps. The first time I've seen him show real emotion since the SGC. My choice to stay in that house can't possibly be that outrageous.
"I rarely go to the house. When he's there I try not to be and when I'm there he stays away. The unusual occasions where we're both under the same roof, we're separated by solid walls and locked doors. I've made the spare bedroom my permanent residence" I explain trying to reassure him
"You two have been married for what seven years?" he asks casually
"Nine" I correct him but I know he's pretending he didn't know
"You never tried to have kids?"
"He never wanted kids. It's a good thing that there aren't any kids to witness this, it's a good thing he doesn't have to be a father" I scowl. Why am I talking to him about this, he's the last person I want to know how much I've screwed up.
"Why am I telling you this?" I ask shaking my head. I'm a mess.
"Because I'm listening" he shrugs
"You listen but you never understand me" I laugh. It isn't funny but I laugh anyway, I laugh in pain.
"That's not entirely true. I understood that, I think" he jokes and I smile. The fist time he's made me smile in years. Probably the first time I've smiled and meant it in as long. I'm never happy anymore.
"How could you understand me? I've chosen to live in hell. I don't understand me" I murmur. Tears have made them selves apparent; probably smudging my make up. I get all dressed up and feel so dreadful.
"I don't understand your decision Samantha and I don't approve but I'll support you if you need me" he smiles "to, if you need me to" he corrects himself and I smile. Second time. He suddenly seems half way like the man I knew before we went our separate ways.
"Sir?" I ask dropping my guard. Like it could be dropped any further.
"Sam?" he asks creasing his brow
"Jack" I correct myself smiling. Third time.
"Sam?" he asks getting me back on focus. How can this man make me hate him for so long yet make me love him with just one word? I shift closer to him and bring my lips to his kissing him. He's stunned but doesn't fight. The kiss deepens. I'm actually breathless when our lips break free.
"First kiss that's made my whole body tingle since way before my marriage" I murmur unknowingly
"Sam?" he asks shocked and I blush. I dropped my guard too far. "You want to get a drink? Or four" he asks smiling
"Why not? I'm a single girl" I smile back "I dare you to challenge me on that" I warn and he laughs
"Don't worry Sam, I'll make him sign" he assures me as he leads me up to the bar upstairs. I link my fingers with his. Is this hope?