BWA HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH! Chapter 2 is up, and the questions I put at the end of chapter 1 are going to be answered! Sort of… BUT FIRST: I don't own Lord of the Rings (I wish I did), I do not own Master and Commander (I wish I did), and I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean (I wish I did). I am destined to own nothing but the circumstances in which this story happens and the elf who comes running to RUDELY interrupt the council. Go VSD's by Cassie Claire (mother of the greatest LotR slash I and my friends have EVER read). I only hope mine can come close…

I realize you all are getting bored so I will shut up and tell the story.

BUT FIRST--
Will the Council ever stop arguing? NEVER! AHAHAHAHA!
Will Arwen get her favorite purple dress back? She has to be nice to me.
What will happen when the three worlds meet? There will be salsa dip.

Will I have to tweak things so that firearms don't get into Middle Earth and screw things up? OF COURSE!
Will I have the attention span to write another chapter? That remains to be seen…
And who IS cuter: Merry or Pippin? PIPPIN OF COURSE! (based on opinions voiced in reviews on council of elrond)

And now the story.

--Aboard the rowboat from the Black Pearl--

"I don't see what the bloody hell they can do abou-"

"Jack, will you shut UP so we can decide what to do!" whispered Will, emphasizing every few words with a sharp elbow in the ribs.

They were in the shadow of the HMS Surprise, and it was being turned around by other rowboats attached to the bow. Adding to the fun were several gun crews readying their cannons. Cannons that happened to be pointing at the pirates.

--Aboard the HMS Surprise--

"There they are!" shouted Joseph Nagle, a young sailor (and my personal favorite…).

"We have them now, sir," Pullingsassured to Aubrey.

"Do NOT fire until I give the word, men! Tom, hand me the spyglass and the horn."

"Yes, sir." Pullings gathered the requested items, and before you ask, it is not the "Horn of Gondor" type of horn (yet).

"Here you are, sir!" said Pullings.

"Very good, Tom." Aubrey took the spyglass and peered through it at the sorry bunch of pirates on the boat.

--Aboard the rowboat--

"WE ARE NOT A SORRY BUNCH!"

Don't pick a fight with the narrator. I will always win.

"What can you do to us? You're just a bloody voice!" laughed Jack.

I can do any number of things. Watch.

The crew aboard the rowboat all got soaked in a sudden storm that tore their boat into shreds. Jack felt a tentacle brush up against his leg, then take hold with a crushing grip that threatened to break his lower extremities.

That's what I can do.

"All…right…" gasped Jack. "You...can…stop…now…"

Not until you say you're sorry…

"Fine…fine…I'm…sorry…" panted Jack, struggling to keep the tentacles from closing about his head.

Very well. A brave band of lovely ghosts-

"GHOSTS?" gasped Jack, laughing wheezily. The tentacles pulled him under and started to-

"HE'S SORRY! HE'S SORRY!"

Fine, fine, have it your way. So, as I was saying, ghosts came in and rescued Jack and the others, who were unharmed because THEY were being nice to me. And they rebuilt the boat and put the pirates back into it. And, yes, I suppose the tentacles have to go back down for a nap. If I may get back to the HMS Surprise-?

"Yes, yes, by all bloody means…" grumbled Jack.

Thank you.

--Aboard the HMS Surprise--

The crew, laughing in hysterics at what had just happened, quickly pulled themselves together, so as not to offend their exceptionally beautiful, kind, wise, benevolent, enertaini-

"Ahem," interjected Aubrey.

My apologies. On with the story.

So Aubrey looked, and saw they were not French. He called over to them through the horn thing. (No, not that kind of horn…)

"HELLO! YOU THERE, ON THE BOAT! WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"

"WE'RE FROM ENGLAND, YOU BLOO-"

"SORRY, WHAT WAS THAT LAST BIT? I COULDN'T QUITE HEAR YOU!"

"I SAID, WE'RE FROM ENGLAND, WHY?"

Turning to Pullings, Aubrey made a quick and fateful decision. "Send out a boat and bring them aboard."

"Aye, sir."

--In the Council meeting in Imladris, Middle earth--

"…and so we have decided that by majority vote, Pippin is cuter than Merry!" This first decision by the Council was met with much applause.

Elrond woke up with a start. "The Ring must be destroyed. One of you must do this."

"Well, of course I won't say yes to him, he is sooo ugly, I mean, come on, he's a dwarf for Eru's sake. He said what? Like, oh my Valar, that is sooo rude! How CAN he just dump you like that! Hang on-someone on the other line-"

Legolas' vital conversation was rudely interrupted by Elrond, who incidently, does not look good in purple. It really does make him look like an eggplant…

"That's bloody favoritism, that is…" grumbled Elrond. "Just because Drama Queen Lego here is the bloody prettiest, the bloody narrator has to go taking HIS side…"

It's not my fault you're not as pretty as he is. Blame Tolkien, if you dare.

"I am TOO pretty!"

Are not.

"Are TOO!"

Are not.

"ARE TOO!"

Are not.

"ARE TOO!"

Are too!

"ARE NOT!"

Ha, I win.

"Hey, that's Lego's thing from another fan fiction!"

Elrond was unfortunately attacked by a mob of fangirls who know that Legolas doesn't like being called 'Lego'. No, I didn't call him- NO! STOP! WAIT! NOOOOOOOO!

Elrond cleared his throat with as much dignity as he could muster from atop the pillar of the pavilion. "The meeting will continue on the ground when the fangirls allow us to come down. Meanwhile, we have important things to discuss--purple IS my color, right?"

"No, it's not!" said Gandalf. "You look horrible in purple! And you should really give Arwen back her dress."

"It is a ROBE!" screamed Elrond, going purple in the face. Ha. Now he really does look like an eggplant. Point and laugh, everyone!

"OH YEAH?" shouted Elrond (still purple).

Yep.

"Well, Figwit is the prettiest one here, so ha!" said Elrong smugly.

"Is not! Legolas is prettier!" insisted Frodo.

"Figwit!" said Gloin.

"Legolas!" said Gimli.

"FIGWIT!"

"LEGOLAS!"

"FIGWIT!"

LEGOLAS!"
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Who is prettier- Legolas or Figwit?
What will happen when the pirates come aboard?
Will there be competition between Jack Aubrey and Jack Sparrow?
Will I remember to put up another chapter?
Will Jack ever learn I am more powerful than he is?
What will I have to do to keep guns out of Middle Earth?
And WHY did somebody reply that FRODO was cuter than BOTH Merry AND Pippin?