Who is prettier- Legolas or Figwit? Legolas, by popular opinion.
What will happen when the pirates come aboard? READ THE STORY!
Will there be competition between Jack Aubrey and Jack Sparrow? Well, DUH!
Will I remember to put up another chapter? Great question.
Will Jack ever learn I am more powerful than he is? No, so we just decided to gang up on everyone else.
What will I have to do to keep guns out of Middle Earth? I have no idea. I'll tell you as soon as I figure it out.
And WHY did somebody reply that FRODO was cuter than BOTH Merry AND Pippin? Because of Frodo's prettyful eyes, as near as I can tell.
On with the story.
--Aboard the HMS Surprise--
"..And that's when they made me their chief," concluded Jack. There was an awed silence. Okay, fine, there were four sailors and a pirate snoring…
"Alright, I can bloody well take a hint! It wasn't THAT boring!"
Yes it was. That's why I only included the last line.
"WHAT! YOU PROMISED YOU'D PUT THE WHOLE STORY IN, YOU BLOODY LIAR!"
I crossed my fingers. So ha.
Before Jack could argue any further, the ship hit something. The ship gave a sickening lurch as sleeping pirates and sailors were thrown to the floor (obviously, they weren't sleeping NOW) as the ship beached itself on the bank of the river. The river was, in fact, the upper of the two tributaries of the Bruinen. These two tributaries from a triangle with the mountains, fencing in the Elven city/stronghold of Imladris.
"Oh, shut UP! We don't know any of the places you're talking about, and my head hurts thanks to this -/-unprintable term-/-!" moaned Peter Calamy, a young lieutenant, referring to the pain caused by the hangover from the inordinate amount of rum the night before and from smashing quite literally headlong into Jack.
"Yes, we get it, his head hurts."
Just clarifying.
"Yes, yes, that's all very good and well, now can you tell us what in God's name is going on here? Who are those men on the bank?"
/Smacks forehead/ First of all, while you're in this world, it's ERU or VALAR not 'God'. Second, they are not 'men', they are elves. Third, you have drool all over your face, Mr. Calamy, so I suggest you wash up before I continue.
"It's not ALL over 'is face, more on the right side and his fore'ead a little bit…"
Stop aggravating me.
--On the Riverbank--
"O, Ratty, this is just marvelous!"
"Really? I wasn't sure, it isn't all that much…"
A shout was heard from the huge ship on the bank opposite the gluttonous picnickers.
"WRONG STORY, MATES!"
"O! dear me, Mole, let's up and pack. Back to the rowboat now!"
I hated that book. But my friend, Bill, he does this hilarious thing, he---never mind. Sorry guys. I'll get on with it.
Of the ten or so elves on the bank, nine had bows. And arrows.
"MEN OF SAURON! PREPARE TO DIE!" They fired.
--Aboard the Surprise--
"OW!"
"OW!"
"HEY!"
"OW!"
"OW! HEY, YA KNOW, FEEL FREE TO OW! STOP THE ARROWS ANY TIME NOW!"
No, it adds dramatic tension. Besides, I turned them into rock sright before they hit you, so you won't get hurt.
"Fine! To arms, men!" shouted Pullings and Aubrey. The sailors, drilled constantly, rushed to the gun ports to find…
The cannons had vanished.
"What's the bloody idea, taking our guns away!" screamed Aubrey.
The men on deck, some firing rifles, were asking the same sort of question.
"What the bloody hell are you trying to pull here?" demanded Will.
"Yes, it would be nice if we could DEFEND OURSELVES since someone coughyoucough won't help us!" said Elizabeth through gritted teeth.
Well, I can't let guns into Middle Earth, can I?
Seagoers: "YES, YOU CAN!"
Readers: NO, YOU CAN'T!
"YES WE CAN!"
No you can't.
"WHY NOT!"
In addition to the fact that I SAID SO, no one in Middle Earth has ever seen gunpowder. I'm not even sure if it exists here. (mustn't talk about Saruman's little "Olympic Torch" scene in TTT) Bringing that kind of technology here would totally screw up the world, not to mention I'd get rebuked by the InterRealm Narrator's Association. Crossing technology just isn't good, unless it's something like Fandom where the worlds are all mixed up anyway. Furthermore-notices everyone's asleep
And so the elves ran out of arrows and decided to row over and see what was up. The elf who was shot woke up, er, not shot. And so the seafarers went with the elves to Imladris, arriving just an hour after the messenger elf.
Legolas and Will stood face to face, staring.
Pippin and Bonden did much the same, except Pippin was standing on a chair.
"COOL!" shouted Pippin and Bonden, and immediately started talking about food, women, and rum.
"RUM? MINE!" shouted Jack.
The Council shrugged, and sent someone to get rum. All of the seafarers but Jack (never got hangovers), Will (still staring at Legolas) and Bonden (last night's designated driver) groaned.
Legolas and Will both blinked.
"Wow, you're not bad looking," commented Legolas.
"Neither are you!" said Will.
"ASH NAZG DURBATULUK!" shouted Gandalf, awakened by the clamor.
"Was that the Black Speech, Gandalf?" asked Elrond sternly. "No. Bad boy. You go wash your mouth out right now."
"But Elrond, it wasn't the Black Speech! Legolas doesn't look like he's gonna throw up!"
Elrond looked over at Legolas and Will. Or, rather, the bush they were in.
"LEGOLAS!"
"Yes?" came the muffled reply.
"Oh, sorry, you're over THERE. I see." Elrond turned to the bush that had several articles of clothing hanging from the branches. Not very bright, is he?
"I'LL DEAL WITH YOU IN A MINUTE, STUPID MORTAL! Did you just throw up, young elf?"
"YES, HE DID, AND IT WAS SOOOOOO GROSS!" shouted Will.
I am no mere mortal/pout/
Elrond smiled smugly, then turned back to Gandalf. "YOU HEARD HIM!"
"But Elrond! It's not faiiiiiiir!"
"MARCH, MISTER!" Elrond turned back to the Council, who were watching Bonden and Pippin to see who could chug more Red Hot Salsa dip in the space of five minutes. "I think Legolas has finally cracked. Will isn't nearly as pretty as I am. Or even Legolas!"
I am deeply offended. Will is prettier than you, and Legolas is prettier than you both.
"What's all the fuss about? Fighting over me?" asked Jack.
No, not really.
"Damn." And with that elegant parting remark, Jack went off to watch the Salsa Chug.
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Who will win the Salsa Competition-Bonden or Pippin?
Who is prettier-Legolas, Will, or Elrond? (if someone picks Elrond, stay on the computer and I will send for help.)
Why didn't the Council argue?
Why don't I have any good questions?