Stan: What's the hat, Kyle?
Kyle: My uncle gave it to me. He said it's from a top secret research ship.
Cartman: Your uncle again? Say, did he ever get a new captain for the . .
Kyle: I don't know Cartman. All I know is that he's flying out, again.
Cartman: To Seattle?
Butters: Can we come, too?
Kyle: Why not?
(boarding helicopter, in Seattle)
Cartman: So, they're going to fly us onto the ship?
Kyle: Not exactly. We're supposed to get in this diving bell.
Stan: How did they fit a diving bell into a helicopter?
Kyle: My uncle has really powerful helicopters.
Cartman: Yeah, I know.
(hovering over the water, cut inside helicopter)
Pilot: In you go, now.
(diving bell is lowered into the water. Underwater shot of it latching onto top of the Seaview. Cut to control room.)
Crane: Who are these distinguished guests, Admiral?
Nelson: I don't know, Lee. Just friends of friends.
Crane: Friends of friends? Is that all we know?
Nelson: Relax, Lee.
(Butters is first down the ladder)
Nelson: Welcome aboard, children. I'm Admiral Nelson. And this is my captain, Lee Crane.
Butters: Nice to . . uh, meet you.
Cartman: Wow. This is so cool.
Kyle: Weren't you going to stop . .
Cartman: I'll say the word, cool, if I want to say it.
Stan: It is pretty cool.
Kyle: I think you know my uncle, Admiral.
Nelson: Yes, so you're Kyle? Welcome aboard, son. This man will show you to your quarters.
(In the corridors following the sailor)
Stan: I wonder what they do on this submarine? Did your uncle say?
Kyle: Just that it was top secret stuff. It's so top secret, it's not even in the Navy.
Cartman: I bet they solve crimes, and save the world, and stuff.
Stan: Sure, why not? But if it's not in the Navy, why did it have those missile hatches that we saw coming down?
Butters: Yeah. This is a ballistic, uh, nuclear sub. It has to be in the Navy.
Kyle: I don't know you guys. You want to go ask?
(up in the forward command nose)
Nelson: So, are you settled in?
Kyle: Admiral, we have a question? Is this sub in the Navy?
Nelson: Well, we are and we aren't. If our mission requires us to be in the Navy, then we might have the entire fleet supporting us.
Cartman: The fleet?
Nelson: Othertimes, we're pretty much on our own.
Kyle: So are you or aren't you?
Chip Morton: Admiral, would you like me to show them around the ship?
Nelson: Sounds like a good idea, Chip.
Kyle: But . .
Morton: Right this way, now.
Stan: Admiral Nelson, are those nuclear missiles at the back of the ship?
Nelson: And you are . . .
Stan: My name's, Stan.
Nelson: Those are ballistic missiles, anti-aircraft missiles, and whatever else we need on a given mission.
Stan: So are they or aren't they?
Nelson: Chip?
Morton: This way, Stan.
(in the control room, looking in the periscope)
Kyle: Do you guys always run just under the water like this?
Crane: Most of the time, yes. Either that or going through the same rock canyon.
Kowalski: Or sitting on the bottom, sir.
Crane: That's right. Whatever the limited budget allows for exterior shots.
(Nelson walks in)
Cartman: Are we going to see any missile drills?
Crane: What sort of missile drills?
Cartman: You know, run up 1-4, stat! Running up 1-4. Match. Fire torpedos!
Crane: Admiral. Can we get this kid to shut-up?
Nelson: Now, now Lee. He's our guest.
Crane: Yes, sir.
Nelson: You know, boys, we're headed for a rendevouz with a Coast Guard cutter. Perhaps you would like to observe from the tower?
Stan: Sure.
Cartman: I have to climb all the way . . .
Stan: You can stay here, Cartman.
Cartman: If you're going, I'm going!
(Coast Guard vessel in sight)
Nelson into mic: All stop. Crew on deck.
Butters: Who are we picking up?
Crane: It's one of our agents, although we think she might be a double agent.
Kowalski: But not a triple agent.
Crane: Hopefully not a double agent.
Kyle: So we trust her?
Crane: Only if she's a triple agent, or not a double agent.
Cartman: So let me get this right. If she's a triple agent, we trust her because she's stopped being a double agent, when we don't trust her.
Crane: Admiral?
Nelson: Relax, Lee.
Butter: Do we have to go back down now?
Cartman: I just got all the way up here.
Nelson: Fine, but don't let the hatch close before you're on the other side.
Kyle: I'm going back down.
Cartman: What are you saying, Kyle?
(raft comes aboard, and agent enters through side hatch on conning tower. Cut to control room.)
Nelson: Welcome aboard, my dear.
Agent: I don't have much time, Admiral.
Nelson: Let's go to the command nose.
Cartman: The command nose.
Crane: Oh, no. Not you!
Kyle: We'll be quiet, Admiral.
Nelson: They are our guests, Lee.
Crane: Admiral!
Nelson: Follow me.
(watching the big eddies in front of the windows)
Butters: You know what that looks like?
Stan: The inside of a washing machine.
Butters: I was going to say the inside of , uh, of a blender.
Agent: Admiral, in six hours, the country of Flammerbystan is going to begin testing a new cloud clearing device.
Admiral: I've heard of this.
Agent: If successful, it might be possible for them to remove cloud cover wherever they are able to successfully operate this machine.
Crane: Are you talking sabotage?
Agent: No, that would only delay their research. We have to convince them that the device is operational.
Crane: So you are talking sabotage?
Agent: No, because they would only think that more needed to be done.
Kyle: No, I think he's trying to say that if you try to fool them into thinking it's working when it isn't that you have to sabotage the machine, first, so that it doesn't work.
Butters: Y-yeah, I think that's what he's trying to say, alright.
Agent: But we're not sure the machine even works, at all.
Nelson: So, why are you on this mission?
Agent: We have to discover if the machine does work. If it does, we have to convince them that it is working as planned.
Nelson: Even if it doesn't?
Agent: That's right.
Cartman: Okay. So the machine doesn't work, but you have to have a machine that does so that you can clear the clouds and make it seem as if the other machine which doesn't work, does work?
Nelson: Before you say anything, Lee, I think that's right, isn't it?
Agent: That's the gist of it.
Cartman: Damn straight.
Stan: So where are you going to get a machine that works to clear the clouds so that you can fool them into thinking that their machine works?
Agent: We can simply use their machine, if it works.
Nelson: I see.
Kyle: I don't.
Stan: Wouldn't it just mean that their machine actually works?
Agent: This is what we have to determine.
Butters: Uh, but if their machine works, and, uh . . .
Agent: We simply have to convince them that it does.
Butters: By using a machine that works.
Agent: We'll find that out.
Stan: Cartman, anything you want to say?
Cartman: So if the, uh, and then the, here, and with the . . .
(sailor comes through door)
Radio message, sir!
Nelson: It seems we have even less time that we thought. This report says that they are due to test in about five hours time.
Crane: We can still get there, Captain.
Nelson: Yes, but with no margin for error.
Agent: If you get me ashore, I won't need very long.
Nelson: Let's hope that's true.
Crane, on mic: Full ahead!
(raft approaching beach, with Crane, Kowalski, and Agent)
Kowalski: Hey, Captain, don't let that fat kid get to you.
Crane: I'm only thinking about the mission, right now. Let's get off this beach.
Agent: There's an entrance just over here.
Crane: Any guards?
Agent: They wouldn't be expecting anyone to come this way.
Crane: So are there guards, or not?
Kowalski: Captain, look!
(the four boys drift onto the beach in a raft of their own. Cut to the beach.)
Stan: Are you sure we'll get back in time, Cartman?
Cartman: You didn't have to come, Stan.
Stan: Well, with all your talk of buried treasure, I just didn't want to miss this when you're wrong.
Butters: Hope it doesn't rain. It's kind of cloudy, right now.
Cartman: Look on the bright side. If the machine works, it'll clear up in a bit.
Butters: Uh . . y-yeah.
Stan: So, where's the treasure buried, Cartman?
Cartman: Let's try over . . . hya.
(back up on cliff face)
Kowalski: What do you think they're doing?
Crane: I just hope they stay out of our way.
Agent: C'mon.
(a little way inside, prison bars suddenly drop from above, blocking their escape. Voice is heard over speakers)
Don't move. You are trapped. Lay down your weapons.
Crane: Do as they say, Kowalski.
(one of the grates slides back up. Armed men enter.)
Motioning with burp-style machine guns: Let's go.
(the three enter a chamber with 50s style equipment, radar screens, etc, manned by about 10 men)
Mr. Big: Ah, welcome. And welcome to you to, my dear.
(Agent walks up to stand with Mr. Big)
Mr. Big: You didn't know, Captain? She works for me.
Agents: The Party forever, comrade.
Mr. Big: We're independent contractors, my dear.
Agents: Oops.
Crane: So that's who you work for?
Mr. Big: Who is that?
Kowalski: Let's not start this, Captain.
Crane: Agreed.
Mr. Big: Think of it, Captain. A machine . . . that can change the weather. Drought where there had been plenty.
Crane: Sunshine where there had been rain.
Mr. Big: You might have a future as one of our salesmen, Captain.
Crane: I already have a job. And lady, I thought I knew what yours was, too.
Agent: I have the final adjustments.
Mr. Big: Well, we won't really know until we try this. Very well, my dear.
(Agent walks over to technician and hands him some sheets of paper)
Mr. Big: Once we put in the final adjustments made by our super-computer, we'll be ready for the test.
Crane: I can't wait.
Mr. Big: Perhaps you two would be more comfortable over there. Guard!
(Armed guard waves Crane and Kowalski over to the side of the cavern, just as the boys enter through a stairway at the top)
Cartman: Just over . . here.
Stan: You have no idea where you're going.
Butters: Are we l-lost, yet?
Kyle: Hey, look!
Cartman: Oh, man. What is all that stuff?
Stan: Get down! Quiet.
Butters: Uh, that's Captain Crane. And they're pointing a gun at him.
Cartman: Don't you see? She was a double agent.
Kyle: I see her. I don't see a cloud removing machine.
Stan: It's just a bunch of controls, and stuff.
Cartman: I've got an idea, you guys. We need a distraction. Maybe then the Captain can break free and stop them.
Butters: I'm afraid t-to ask. What kind of distraction?
Cartman: Well, Butters here will sneak along the wall and try to tip over that console . . there.
Butters: Uhh . . why there . . wha, uh, why me?
Stan: C'mon Butters.
Kyle: Yeah, Butters. Just go down there.
Butters: Well, yeah . . . okay, then. I-I guess I'll just go down there and, uh, get that mean old . . .
Cartman: That's the spirit, Butters.
(Butters sneaks down behind console nearest the stairs. He gets a long pole and puts a rock under it close to the console, but still can't get his weight behind it. Guard approaches)
Guard: Hey! Who are you?
Butters: Uh-oh. I-I . . Say, can you help me? I just can't get enough, uh, weight and, uh . . . yuh.
Guard: Wait a minute. What are you trying to do?
(With that distraction, and everyone's head turned, Crane uses his elbow to disable the guard. He and Kowalski race to one of the consoles, and use one of the guards guns to shoot at it, raising sparks and shorting arcs. Technicians flee the set. Mr. Big flees up the stairs.)
Stan: Hey, we have to stop him!
Cartman: Watch this, you guys.
(Cartman sticks his short legs out, but Mr. Big seeing it, just kicks Cartman out of the way)
Cartman: Aaah!
Stan: C'mon Kyle!
(Stan and Kyle both jump on Mr. Big, forcing him to fall back down the stairs, unconscious)
Kyle: Whoa! dude.
Crane: Great job, you guys.
Agent: Yes, great job.
Kowalski, grabbing hold of her: Who are you to talk, lady?
Crane: You sure had us fooled.
Agent: I still have you fooled. You see, he only thought that I worked for him. In fact, I am a federal agent sent to stop this operation.
Crane: Prove it.
Agent: You see these papers I gave them? Those numbers would only make it seem as if the machine worked.
Cartman: Not again.
Crane: You can explain it all on board. Kowalski?
Kowalski: Move it.
(back in the command nose on Seaview)
Nelson: So let me see if I understand this. Your mission was to feed disinformation so that the machine would only appear to work when it did not, fooling them into deploying the machine thinking it would work when it wouldn't?
Agent: Yes, Admiral. Have you received confirmation?
Nelson: Yes, the message came in a few minutes ago.
Agent: So you know I'm not a double agent.
Nelson: I know that you are working for the Pentagon.
(the boys walk in)
Nelson: Well, hello young heroes.
Cartman: It was nothing.
Kyle: For you, anyway.
Cartman: Is that a fly on your nose?
Kyle: Shut-up, Cartman.
Stan: So what happened to the lab?
Crane: We sent a squad to disassemble some of it. We'll be delivering that when we reach port.
Kyle: What about the big guy?
Nelson: You mean your friend?
Kyle: No! The guy.
Nelson: He's in the brig. Washington will want to talk with him.
Stan: It's always Washington, right?
Nelson: Pretty much.
Crane: Well, you boys better get ready. We'll be docking in just a few hours.
Butters: Admiral, I have a question.
Nelson: What is it, son?
Butters: Can we see the ventilation shafts, where people are always crawling around in?
Nelson: Well, sure. Why not? Right, Lee?
Crane: Crawl around all you like, in there. Just remember, we'll be in port in a few hours.
Butters: Uh, okay, then. I'll see you guys.
Cartman: Yeah, see ya, Butters.
Stan: So can we fire some torpedos, Admiral? It would be a lot better than just shooting off firecrackers, like we have done.
Crane: Admiral?
Nelson: Maybe you better go see what's happening in the engine room, Lee.
Cartman: Admiral?
Nelson: Follow me.