Chapter 18

Steph's POV

I'm so excited to be at the club tonight. I've heard that this was the place to be. I'm not much on the club scene, being a single mom and all, but I have a great time whenever I can get out. I'm glad that I started to hang out with the guys and that I started to date John. I realized how much of myself I was sacrificing for my kids' sake, and I wasn't fair to them or me. This weekend, they are sleeping over at Mary Lou's house. Alex is best friends with her second son, Mikey, while Lucia fits right in but has a calming effect on the rather rambunctious boys. Mary Lou appreciates how Lucia can keep the mayhem to a minimum.

While my family life is pretty great, my dating life isn't going so hot. Don't get me wrong. I like John a lot, but I don't think I love him. We go out on dates, and he treats me far better than any other boyfriend I ever had before, but I don't feel drawn to him, and lately, I feel myself starting to pull back. I think our relationship has run its course. We've slept together several times, and while he's an excellent lover, and I am thoroughly satisfied, there's no magic.

I must also admit that spending so much time with Carlos is not helping the situation. I am still attracted to that man, and I know he's attracted to me. He's made it no secret that he wants to be with me. It's me who has been keeping him at arm's length. It wasn't until our weekend at the shore that I realized that I loved Carlos, that I always have loved him. That Saturday morning, as I was getting dressed for the beach, I realized I turned into a Burg mother. I don't know when and how it started, but I lost Stephanie somewhere along the way. As I was putting on my one-piece bathing suit, I couldn't remember the last time I wore a bikini. The pre-mom me always wore bikinis. While I wouldn't wear some of the skimpy ones I wore pre-children, I could easily wear a modest one. Later on, that afternoon, as I was putting on my bra, I realized that I wore practical bras, not sexy ones. The only lace was a little 'decoration' on the top of the cup. My panties were French-cut cotton ones. I can't remember the last time I was in Victoria's Secret. As for lingerie, I have nightshirts. That's it. How can I seduce a man with that? How is John even remotely attracted to me once he gets my clothes off?

Then, to add to my depressing revelations, I was confused by Carlos. Once the day was over and we retired to our house for the evening, we sat on the patio with a glass of wine and talked. When we were standing outside my door, it felt like neither one of us wanted to say goodnight. I know I didn't. There was a part of me that wanted to invite him into my bed. At one point, he looked like he was going to kiss me, then Lucia called out. She still sometimes gets pain in her abdomen, especially if she's been running around a lot. By the time I got her settled, the mood was gone. The next day was our last, and most of the morning was spent packing all the stuff that seemed to have been tossed all over the house in a day before joining everyone for another barbeque. I swear you'd think we spend two months there.

That week, I called Mary Lou. We got together for lunch and some shopping. When I told her my dilemma, she took me immediately to Victoria's Secret. I spent over $1500 on bras, panties, and sexy lingerie. Then, we went to Macy's. I told her that Lester's birthday was coming up and that we were going to a club. She helped me pick out the perfect outfit to bring my sexy back. She also helped me pick out some new, curve-hugging jeans, sexy tops, and of course, FMPs. Then, back at my house, she took all my 'mom' jeans, my old, unflattering sweats, and some of my less flattering nightwear away. As a mom, she understands that I need proper nightwear when it's just the kids and me at home.

Tonight, for the first time in forever, I'm excited to go out. I glance at my watch, deciding it's time to head downstairs. I put my shoes on, grab my purse, then look out the window. I see John turn onto my block, so I exit the house and lock the door. He's standing next to the car when I reach the car and opens the door for me. I see frustration etched on his face. I know he hates it when I'm out of the house before he pulls up. I don't know why I don't like him ringing the bell, I guess, it's too intimate. Oh well. We head to the club and arrive when about half of the group is already there. Once the Core Team comes, we head inside. I couldn't help but take in Carlos when he got out of his Porsche. I swear that man is sexier now than he was ten years ago.

Once inside, we find ourselves in a large VIP section. After making some small talk, John and I start to dance. Now, John is not a great dancer. He is basically a side-to-side stepper, but it's okay. He's aware of how much I like to dance and is willing to embarrass himself, so I am happy. After a while, we return to the group to get a drink. I start talking to Abby, Zero's girlfriend. We've hung out a few times since the distraction, along with Rebecca. They are both a lot of fun to be around, and in some ways, remind me of Rose and Dani. Some Latin beats are playing, and I can't help but bounce my foot.

"Hey Beautiful, how about a dance with the birthday boy?"

"Sure, Les. Let's go." I reply, excusing myself from the girls. I know that Les and Carlos are both fabulous dancers.

I know how to do the Latin dances, thanks to Burg dance classes, but I hadn't done them, well, since that spring break when I first met Lester. I'm a little apprehensive, but Les leads me to the center of the dance floor. "Now, Beautiful, just follow my lead, and you'll be fine. I seem to recall that you had great rhythm."

He leads me first in salsa, and I quickly remember what I thought I forgot. Les keeps spinning me and dipping me, and I can't help but laugh. He is the least serious of all the Merry Men, but never this open at work. I love this playful side of Lester Santos. We dance to about four songs before I feel that Carlos is near. Les spins me one more time, so I'm facing Carlos.

"Dance with me, Babe?"

"Of course."

This beat is another salsa beat, and Carlos pulls me close to him to dance. Lester and I danced close, but not nearly like I'm dancing with Carlos. I can't help but remember the first night we danced together in Miami, in a club much like this.

"I remember thinking you were standing me up, and I was getting angry. What made it even worse was that I couldn't shake that girl who was insistent on getting into my pants."

"I really wanted to go, but Lisa was a bitch. She didn't want to be in Miami and didn't want to go to a club. I was ready to go about an hour before we left because we couldn't get Lisa to get ready. She was already in her PJs. Finally, we threatened to take her there like that. Twenty minutes later, we left for the club. When we go there, I was so scared that you would no longer be there or that you would have moved on to another girl. I was thrilled when I finally saw you."

"Lester was ragging on me, saying that I got stood up. I was just about to punch him in the face when I saw you. The chick who was all over me was mid-sentence, and I just got up and left her standing there. She kept shooting daggers all night long. I think she eventually hooked up with some other guy." We both smiled at that memory. When that song ends, a slower song comes on. "Babe, do you know the bachata?"

"I remember learning it, but I don't think we practiced much." Ranger quickly talked me through the steps, and I nodded as the moves came back to me. We started to move together, and with each step, our physical distance decreased even more. All I could do was look into his eyes as he looked into mine. I know he led me in the dance, but I wasn't even aware of doing the steps. At that moment, all that existed was Carlos and me. The rest of the world disappeared from view. I know that with every sway of our hips, every touch, my body was burning with a primal need. At this moment, I'm aware that I want the man who is holding me in his arms, the one who is igniting my nerve endings with every breath he takes, the man who gave me his seeds ten years ago. Carlos is the man I love, that man who I want to be with, the man who I want in my bed. The music ends, and our lips met in a tentative kiss but quickly becomes much more. When we break apart, I'm aware the everyone is staring at us, and suddenly, John enters my mind. I close my eyes to keep my tears at bay; this is so not good.

"Babe, it's okay. I got your back." I nod my head in acknowledgment of Carlos's support.

When we get close to our section, John heads for the exit, while Carlos and I follow. As much as I know John and I need to talk alone, I understand why Ranger is following me.

"Don't worry, I'll wait by the door. Take all the time you need."

I approach John, knowing that what I did is unforgivable. I can only hope that he can forgive me for embarrassing him in front of everyone at work. "I'm sorry, John."

"Don't be." He answered sharply in a tone that felt like a slap in the face. Okay, I deserved that.

"Please don't act this way; I didn't mean for this to happen." I see his shoulders start to sag. Okay, so he's not too angry with me.

"I know, but it was inevitable. Mich…Steph, I've seen the way you look at each other. I've seen the way you have grown closer. I felt you retreating. I was hoping that I was misreading the signs."

"It wasn't planned. In fact, I didn't even realize it until tonight."

"Look, we've been together for six months, but you still won't introduce me to your kids as anything more than a coworker. If I were that important to you, they would know me as more than that. I understand that dating with children is hard, I respect you for how well you've done on your own but doesn't it say something that Ranger can stay with you and your children, but I can't? Steph, it's fine. I just wish it didn't happen in front of our coworkers."

"Me too. God, I'm so ashamed. I don't know how I'm going to show my face at work."

"It'll be fine. Everyone knows that you and Ranger were an item in the past. I don't think any of them will be too surprised."

"You're not mad at me?" I ask sincerely, hoping that things will be fine between us in time.

"No. I only want you to be happy. And, if Ranger ever hurts you, I will kill him."

I laugh, knowing that he's serious. It feels nice to have someone in my corner. "Friends?"

"Friends."

We hug each other, and John gives me a kiss on the forehead. "I'm heading back in. I'll do some damage control."

I watch as he heads to the door. He pauses to say something to Carlos. From their body language, I know that things will be fine once the awkwardness passes. Carlos then comes over to where I'm standing.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I am. So is John. He was expecting this to happen sooner or later."

"I'm sorry, Babe. I didn't mean to embarrass you."

"I'm sure it will be fine. As John said, it's not like they don't know about our past. How are we going to do this? I don't want the kids to be hurt if things don't work out."

"Babe, I'm not going anywhere. I've spent the last few months praying for another chance with you. I love you completely. I want us to be a family like we always should have been, but you are in control. You tell me the pace, and I'll follow."

"Is it okay if I have no idea how to proceed?"

"Of course. Then we'll figure it out together. Do you want to go back inside?"

"No. I can't look at everyone right now."

"I understand. My place or yours?"

"Since yours is at work, my place." Carlos nods before taking his cell phone out. He sends a quick text. At my confused expression, he says, "I'm letting Tank know I'm leaving with you. He and I were the two DD, so he'll make sure everyone gets home safe."

"Gotcha." Carlos leads me over to his Porsche Cayenne, opening the door for me. I climb in, allowing Carlos to buckle me in before he places a gentle kiss on my lips. He then closes the door to walk to his side. Once in the car, we drive off towards my house. I'm suddenly feeling a little nervous, but I'm not quite sure why. When we arrive, Carlos pulls into my driveway, parking. He exits, then comes around to my side, opening the door. I get out of the car with my keys in hand. I unlock my door then deactivate the alarm.

"Would you like to come in?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Carlos enters my home, closing then locking the door. He sets the alarm for occupied mode. I'm about to ask him how he knows my code when I realize he probably put a code for himself when the system was installed.

"Yes, when Hector installed the system here, I told him to create a code for me. I thought there could be a time when I would need to get in when you might not have been available."

"I would have given you a code if you asked."

"I know, but things were so tense between us in the beginning. I didn't want to make you feel like I was pushy."

"I get it. Would you like something to drink? Coffee, tea, water, beer?"

"It depends. Am I going to have to drive anywhere tonight?"

I paused and thought for a moment. Did I want Carlos to spend the night? Yes, I did. I wanted to see what it would be like to live with him. "No."

"Then I'll take a beer."

I go to my fridge and pull out two beers. I hand one to Carlos, then sit on one end of the couch, opposite from where he is.

"This is going to be awkward. If you want me to quit, I'll look for another job."

"Absolutely not, Babe. There is no other place I want you working than for me. It's the only way I can keep you safe."

"Keep me safe?"

"Yes. You know that I've done dozens of highly classified, dangerous missions for the government, right?" I nod my head. "Well, as a result of some of those tasks, I've made enemies. These are people who have long memories and will stop at nothing for revenge. I've never gone into a situation using my name. In fact, the dog tags I would wear always had an alias on them if I was captured or lost them. If I were somehow killed, there is a chance that no one would know. My contract still has six months left. From this point forward, I have veto power, meaning I can refuse to go. However, I can only refuse two. If I refuse two, the next one I'm offered I must take. The only good thing is that the area of the world where I'm usually sent to is relatively stable."

"Does that mean you could be called away?"

"Yes. Shit, I didn't want this to happen for another six months, but it did. Babe, I was planning on signing a new contract. In fact, up until the day I arrived in Trenton, I was ready to sign on the dotted line. But then I found you. Finding you again is enough of a reason for me to give up the contract. Learning about Alex and Lucia, well, that sealed the deal."

I felt warm and fuzzy at his declaration. However, I was still a little insecure about his reasons for wanting me. I don't want him to stick around ONLY for the children. As much as they love their father, I want him to love me. Almost as if he could read my mind, Carlos responded.

"Babe, you were always the only one for me. I knew it the moment I met you, though I was skeptical. No woman, not even in high school, ever held my attention. I would apply enough pressure to get what I wanted, then walk away. I never looked back. But I didn't want to jump in bed with you that first night."

I look at the floor when Carlos says that he didn't want me that way. I knew it. I'm not that attractive.

"No, Babe, don't think that way. That's not what I meant. I wanted you desperately. I needed you like I never needed another person, but I didn't want to treat you like a whore. I wanted to know more about you than the way you looked without your clothes on. Spending all that time together just further solidified that you were, are special. When we finally made love, it was much more than just fucking for the sake of fucking. Everything I learn about you draws me to you even more. You are such a strong woman. You dealt with your life irrevocably changing with your head held high. I'm sure there were lots of tears and second-guessing, but you survived. Alex and Lucia are so well-rounded, respectful, and great. I'm honored that they are my children and wish I could say that I had a hand in making them what they are beyond their genetic makeup."

Once again, his love for me is wrapped up with the kids. I guess I need to put on my big girl panties and ask him what I really want to know. "If I never had our children, would you still want me?"

"There haven't been many days or nights that I haven't thought about you. When I first started Rangeman in Miami, I was tempted to look for you. I visited with Abuela Rosa and told her about you. She told me that if we were meant to be together, we would find each other again. She said that to interfere with destiny was not wise. So, I didn't look, but God was it hard not to. So, I had Silvio run a standard background check. I stopped reading once I saw you were married, not wanting to know anything else, because I hurt to know that you were happy with another man, making love to him, and being with him when I wanted you with me."

I heard the sincerity in his voice and saw it in his expressions. I am feeling more confident in my decision. Before I truly accept this as the right decision I need to talk to Grandma Mazur and dad.

"I have some videos of the twins growing up. Would you like to see them?"

"I'd love to."

I get up from the couch, walking over to the entertainment unit. I open the side door and pull out a DVD with videos from the twins' christening until age three. Many of their firsts are on this video. I put on the DVD player and the TV, grabbing both remotes. I make a quick trip to the bedroom to change into something more comfortable before returning to the couch. I decide on one of the cute pajama sets I got at Victoria's Secret. It's a pair of shorts with a button-down t-shirt, made of lovely soft material, and I put on a pair of socks before heading back out to the living room. I press play, sitting back to watch the family movies. Before I know it, I'm leaning against Carlos, and his arm is around me. At some point, the blanket that's always on the back of the couch wound up over my legs. I feel warm, safe, and content for the first time in a long time.

I wake up the next morning in my bed, thankfully wearing pajamas. I glance at the other side, grateful yet disappointed that I slept alone in my bed. As much as I don't want to sleep with Carlos yet, I feel sad that he left in the middle of the night. I decide it's time to get up, so I put my slippers on and grab the robe on the rocking chair in the corner of my room. I got the rocking chair when the twins were babies and kept it after. It was the perfect spot to read and study. I visit the bathroom, putting my hair in a sloppy bun to contain it until I can take a shower. I head down to the kitchen, where I smell the coffee already brewing. I feel a little bubble of hope in my heart that Carlos did indeed spend the night.

"Morning, Babe," Carlos says as he hands me a mug with my doctored coffee. His hair is tied back and still damp from a shower, but Carlos is fully dressed in his standard uniform, black cargoes with a black painted on Rangeman t-shirt.

"Morning, Carlos." I bring my mug to the table, where I find a white bag from the Tasty Pastry. I peek inside, seeing a Boston Cream donut. I immediately open the bag and pull out the donut, taking a huge bite. "Mmmm. Nothing starts my day off as well as a fresh Boston Cream."

"I can think of something better than an artery-clogging, nutrition-less confection."

Since I'm busy enjoying my morning sugar intake, I can ignore Carlos' innuendo, though I agree with him.

"Look, Carlos, I don't eat donuts as often as I once did. I tend to indulge on the weekends. Since working for Rangeman, I have worked out more than I ever did before. I get yearly physicals and blood work, and so far, everything comes back fine. I know donuts aren't the best, and to set a good example for Alex and Lucia, I don't get them often."

"I know, Babe. I just like busting your chops."

"Where did you sleep?"

"On the couch. I found your extra blankets and pillows. I put them in the washer when I got up, and they are in the dryer now. I also hope you don't mind that I used your bathroom down here to take a shower after my morning run."

"What time did you get up? Did you sleep well? That couch isn't the most comfortable place to sleep anymore."

"Babe, I've slept in caves, up in a tree, and on rocks before. Your couch is fine in comparison, though I agree a new one is necessary if I'll be sleeping on it more often. I got up at 0500 like I do every day."

0500? Oh, five. Why does he insist on using military time? "You didn't have to do the laundry."

"I know, but I wanted to. What time are you picking up the kids?"

"At three."

"Go get dressed, then we'll go get breakfast. I have to be back at the office at noon, but I'd like to spend the morning with you."

"Okay. That sounds good. I'll need about an hour." I glance at the clock, noting that it's eight-thirty.

"That will work." I get up and head upstairs. I wonder where we're going to eat.

A/N: I know there was some repeated dialogue and scenes in this chapter but it was unavoidable. I know that is annoying to read, but sometimes when I switch POVs when writing in the first person it needs to be done to understand what the characters are thinking. I try to avoid it whenever possible. Thank you for understanding. Special thanks to the fabulous Kelly for the suggestion of mom jeans, boring underwear, and being overall frumpy Stephanie. Thanks, Babe!