Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or any of the characters and ideas...
x
There was no bloody dagger sticking in the wall, no red stains on her floor or clothes. No left over warmth could be found on the other side of the futon, nor any lingering red hairs. A small sob escaped her at the realization of her truth.
It was all a dream.
Chapter 2
Kenshin wasn't home, he hadn't stayed with her the night before, and she hadn't tried to kill herself only to fail by his hand.
Sitting up in the middle of her futon she let the tears fall silently. It had been a year since the rurouni had left. A year without any word from him. No reasons, no excuses…no goodbye. Sano had left shortly afterwards, telling her that he would send word if he saw him. A few letters had arrived, but he was in China now, and nothing was ever said about Kenshin.
Megumi had left her soon after as well, traveling to Aizu in hopes of finding her family. No word was heard from her, but Kaoru hadn't expected any. The doctor had never really shown too much affection towards her. No, most of that was reserved for Kenshin.
Yahiko had been the only one to stay with her, but she could see what it was doing to him. A hard gleam had entered his eyes and his training had turned much more serious. Though he still called her names, it was now only out of habit and affection as she never responded much to them. Too many times she had hinted that he should move to the house Sano had left him, but he flat out refused to leave, claiming it his duty to take care of her now since…
Kenshin was gone, and he was never coming back.
Maybe killing myself is the right thing to do. That way Yahiko will be free to live out his life the way he wants to, and not have to worry about me.
Staring blankly at the shoji in front of her, she watched in a sharp detachment as it slid silently open. Tiredly she found herself looking at the thighs of a very dirty pair of white hakama.
Nani? Yahiko doesn't wear white, and I'm sure I heard him doing the laundry yesterday.
Lifting heavy eyes she caught the man's gaze with her own and stared for several seconds before recognition seeped in.
It wasn't a dream.
Kaoru felt her lip tremble and her body echo the motion in its shock. The seemingly never-ending supply of tears spilled from her eyes and in a fit of denial she closed their lids and bit her lip hard. Only when she felt the warm trickle of blood swim down her chin did she finally decide to look again, knowing that she couldn't be dreaming now.
Kaoru jumped in surprise to find that he had already moved to sit in front of her, a look of concern evident in his tired eyes.
"Kaoru?" A hand reached up to delicately wipe her face, clean bandages wrapped around its palm. "This one thought he told you already what your tears do to him. Please don't start again, koi."
Biting her lip softly this time, breathing deeply through her nose in calming motions, she willed the tears to stop.
And when he smiled for her, really smiled, she knew it was worth the effort.
"That's better." Those fingers she was coming to love cleared her face of any lingering traces. "So beautiful."
Kaoru felt her lip tremble again, but she stubbornly bit down on it, trying a small smile instead.
"There's my Kaoru." He stated softly, happily, before leaning forward to place a kiss on her lips. Panic flooding her with the knowledge of his intent, she pulled away at the last moment, turning to the side and missing the small flash of hurt in his eyes. Instead, she found one hand lifted to his lips and a soft brush left there.
"Breakfast is ready, koishii. You should change and come eat before Yahiko steals both our portions."
Kaoru nodded absently, something bothering her about the situation. Something wasn't right, there was some small detail that she was forgetting about. Shrugging it off when nothing came to mind, she stood shakily to her feet and moved to her trunk to pull out a kimono. Dropping the yukata where she stood and peeling off the wrappings binding her chest with a sigh, she slid on the silky folds of her blue kimono. Tying the obi proved difficult and tiresome, so she knotted it simply, something she'd only done as a small child, and let the loose ends trail down her back.
A tired search of her hair ribbons showed that the matching color was missing, so she choose a white one instead. When she went to pull up the silky threads, though, she found them to be greasy, leaving a fine film on her fingers. I'll ruin my ribbon if I wear it with my dirty hair, she thought mournfully, then shrugged half-heartedly, I never wear this one anyway.
Walking bare foot down the hall, forgetting her tabi altogether, she followed the wonderful smell of food to the dining room. Yahiko was already seated, stuffing his face hurriedly like he had never had a good meal in his life. It has been awhile, she thought ruefully, moving unsteadily forward to her own seat next to Kenshin. Halfway there her vision darkened and she swayed dangerously on her feet.
Through the haze she watched Kenshin move questioningly, but was violently stopped by the loud crash of Yahiko's bowl being slammed down onto the table. Kenshin's eyes snapped over to his, then lowered at the glare. Resettling himself on his cushion, he let his head droop dejectedly at the barely concealed hate in his eyes. Yahiko stood quickly, moving to her side and bracing her with an arm around her waist to help her sit down.
"Are you ok, Kaoru?" The worry for her battled out the anger in his eyes only long enough to make sure she was fine.
"Hai, Yahiko, just lightheaded."
"You should eat Kaoru-dono, that you should."
Yahiko tossed him another glare before reseating himself and digging back in, ignoring the rurouni completely.
Kaoru looked down at the food in front of her, and only just barely stopped the growl from her stomach. Strangely, though, she felt that if she took one bite she might throw it back up. Glancing over cautiously she found Kenshin staring uninterestedly at his own food, a distant look on his face. When her gaze lingered too long, he lifted his eyes to her questioningly, glancing at her untouched food.
"Is it not good, Kaoru-dono?" A small sigh escaped his lips. "This one has been out of practice lately."
A grumble could be heard across the table, but Kaoru ignored it. "It's not that, just…are you not hungry, Kenshin? You're not eating either."
"This one will be fine, Kaoru-dono, as long as you eat and get better."
Kaoru set her face stubbornly, easily falling back into her worry state when it came to him. "I'll not eat anything unless you eat too. You're just as skinny as I am."
Catching movement out of the corner of her eye, she watched Yahiko look up curiously and study the wilting figure of the rurouni with horror written all over his face.
"Ok, Kaoru-dono, but you have to eat all of it." Kenshin slowly picked up his chopsticks and his bowl of rice and nibbled on the white grains just to keep her happy. Just as stubborn, she copied his movements, not about to let him get away with just picking at his food.
Yahiko, eyes finally free of the anger at the man who broke his sensei, took in his disheveled appearance for the first time. Noticing the ragged tears in his clothing and the sunken pull of his skin on his face and visible collarbones. Setting down his third bowl of rice in shame, he placed the chopsticks on the table then slid the bowl over between the two adults.
"I'm done, you can split whatever's left of mine." With that he jumped up and ran out of the room, feet pounding down the hall in the direction of the dojo.
Kaoru looked after the boy, a small smile of pride evident in her eyes, if not her face.
"Kaoru?"
Once again her mind tugged at her, warning her that she was missing something.
"Hai."
"Would you like to take a bath after you finish eating?"
She looked over at his half eaten bowl of rice and smiled. "Hai." She would remember later.
x
It took almost ten minutes just to get her hair clean and silky again, and the grime that had coated her skin was unbearable. No wonder Kenshin wanted me to take a bath, I must stink.
Finally soaking happily in the tub, the water just bordering on too hot and the steam making her drowsy, she lay back and decided that it might be time to think about what she was apparently forgetting.
It definitely had something to do with her name. Every time Kenshin said her name mixed feelings of delight and terror would fill her mind. Why was she afraid again? Kenshin would never hurt her would he? Lethargically her mind tried to turn over this thought and figure out why it had surfaced in the first place. Nothing seemed to come to her mind, though. Frustrated she wracked her brain for any hint or memory that would tell her what she had to fear from him.
Ok, let's think of this logically then. Kenshin has always saved me from any kind of threat. He obviously cares for me and would never do anything harmful to anyone who didn't threaten him first. I haven't threatened him have I? She sifted through memory after memory, searching for any word or action that he would interpret as threatening. Well, I have beaten him over the head countless times with a shinai, but I don't think that counts. He deserved them, and he knows that I don't do them out of hate. Or at least I hope that he does. Nervously she bit at her fingernail. No, he must know because he always apologizes for whatever it is that he does wrong. Ok, so maybe I don't fear him physically.
Mentally? Well, he did leave me to go to Kyoto, but he came back, right? Admittedly after I went all the way there and dragged him home, but he did come back. Nothing much has happened since then, though, so I can't really understand what there is to fear about him. Oh, well, this water is feeling really nice and I'm so tired.
Eyes closing contentedly she let her body drift freely in the water, letting go of any thoughts of panic at her apparent memory lapse.
Moments later a loud knocking at the separator door jerked her out of her lazy drowsing. Sitting up hurriedly, sputtering when water washed up her nose, she grabbed at a towel and wrapped it around her thin body.
"Who is it?"
"Kaoru, are you ok?"
Kaoru snorted in irritation. Didn't even answer my question.
"Of course I am baka, can't I take a bath without you worrying I'm in trouble?" She shook her head in amusement at his over protective tendencies that had kicked in as soon as they'd come back from Kyoto.
"No, I mean yes, it's just…you've been in there for over an hour and this one was worried about you."
"Nani?" She asked breathlessly, looking down at her hands in question and finding them pruny and too soft. An hour? But…I just got in here.
"Kaoru?"
Wait a minute…no dono? Is he finally letting himself get close to me? Kaoru did a little dance on the rock floor of the bath house, but stopped abruptly when her vision swam. I must still be tired out from all that partying they wanted to do after Kenshin beat Shishio.
"I'm fine Kenshin. Just give me a second."
There was an affirmative reply through the door and then the opening and closing of the outside one. Walking through to the changing room, she redressed herself in the blue kimono she wore in but left her hair down when she saw the state of the ribbon. Eww, what happened to my hair ribbon. Throwing it in the corner in disgust she slipped open the other door and came face to face with Kenshin.
"Kenshin!" She looked in horror at the state of his clothes and his face. I thought he'd gotten better but I guess it must have been wishful thinking. Still, what happened to his clothes? "Did you get into a fight? Your clothes are a mess." She reached out a hand to lift the corner of one of his sleeves in dismay. Nothing will be able to save these. They'll have to be thrown away.
Looking up into his face she found him staring at her curiously, confusion written plainly in his eyes and the set of his brows.
"Are you ok, Kaoru-dono?"
Already back to the dono? her mind shouted in dismay.
"I'm fine Kenshin, but I think you need a bath. Why don't you go ahead and I'll go get you another change of clothes."
"But…"
"No, I insist. You deserve to be pampered to. More than I do. Now get in there." Kaoru playfully shoved the stunned rurouni into the bathhouse and shut the door on him, before running around and making sure there was enough wood on the fire for his water.
Now all I have to do is run and get his clothes and put them in the changing room. Kaoru giggled to herself, feeling very much like a loving wife fetching him his things and making sure he was comfortable. Too bad it wouldn't be proper to join him, ne? Biting her lip at the daring thought, she hurried around the corner without watching where she was going and ran straight into Yahiko.
"Hey, watch where you're going, ugly!"
"Who you calling ugly, brat?" Kaoru smacked him upside the head, then wrinkled her brow in confusion when he just stared dumbly back at her.
"Kaoru?"
"What is it with you two today?" she grumbled under her breath, pushing past him irritably and heading toward Kenshin's room.
Everything inside was the way it was normally, but there seemed to be a nice coating of dust over everything. Did it really get this dirty while we were gone? This'll take forever to air and dust out. Walking over to his small chest, she opened it and pulled out the first set of clothes she found. There was only another pair besides the one she held, and they both smelled a little musty. Jeez, these need washed bad! There is a yukata down there too, but it smells just as awful. He'll just have to wear these until he's done the laundry, I guess. Anything's better than those rags he's got on.
Hurrying back to the bathhouse she opened the door and placed his clothes on the stool so they wouldn't get wet on the floor. Knocking softly on the divider door to get his attention, she spoke through the rice paper.
"Kenshin, your clothes are out here now. What do you want me to do with your other pair? I think they need thrown away, there's not much hope for them."
Suddenly the door opened in front of her and Kenshin stood, slightly dripping in a towel. Blushing scarlet she turned away, and covered her eyes with a hand.
"Kenshin! What are you doing? Trying to embarrass me? You could have just answered through the door, you know."
"Kaoru, something's wrong, you're acting weird."
"N-nani? I don't know what you mean?"
"But…"
"How about I wait outside?" Kaoru anxiously scooted toward the outer door without looking at him. "We can talk when you're dressed ok?"
"Hai, Kaoru-dono." The note in his voice had her pausing, but she couldn't figure out what would make him so sad and worried just because she wanted to wait outside. Shrugging her shoulders she closed the door soundly behind her and went over to the dojo to check up on Yahiko.
Halfway across the yard she stopped when her vision blacked out completely. Something slammed into her mind like a physical wound, pain shotting through her temples sharply and she dropped to her knees when she no longer had the strength to stand. Bracing a hand on either side of her head, she whimpered at the strange feeling and then everything disappeared.
x
A/N: If any of this confused you, I'm terribly sorry but it was written from Kaoru's POV and I wanted to try and show you what it is like for her and what is going on. She is having a hard time organizing her thoughts and things just slip her mind without her realizing it. Oh, and in the state that she's in (with her health) she has a hard time caring whether she remembers things or not. Please review and go to the next.