DISCLAIMER: 'The Bill' characters depicted in this story are copyrighted to Thames Television/Pearson Corp. All other characters depicted in this story are copyrighted to the relevant author or creator.

Teaser: Have you ever stopped to think about all the what ifs? What if John was still alive? What if he hadn't gone to meet Don that fateful night? What if someone else had gone instead?

The sound of the crowd
Is so far away
So what do I say?
Do I say goodbye?
Let's take tonight
To carry us through
The lonely times.

I'll always look back
As I walk away
This memory will last
For eternity
And all of our tears
Will be lost in the rain
WESTLIFE

John sat and wept. Why? Why did he let her go?

It was him Don had wanted to see, not her. So why had he let her go? He was tired, it had been a long day but that was no excuse. If only he hadn't been so stupid she would still be alive now.

2 months after it had happened and still no one really knew what had happened that night, not for certain anyway. John had gotten a call from Don, that much was clear. He was getting dressed to go to the meeting when she had woken. He'd told her where he was going and then… he remembered the look of fear in her eyes and her pleading with him not to go. Then she had said that sentence that looking back, so many times he wished he hadn't heard.

"Let me talk to him for you."

He'd asked her why, what was wrong but he kept getting the same answer.

"You won't understand."

He was sure that if she explained it to him he could have understood. In the end they'd gone together, she wouldn't let him get out of the car, he'd done as he was told, just like he always did when she was the one doing the telling. He'd thought he'd heard shouting but he wasn't sure, then he heard a scream but thought he was imagining it.
However 30 seconds later Don had run full pelt straight passed the car, so he went looking for her. He'd found her too but not how he'd wanted to find her; lying in a pool of blood on the ground.

He'd been scared, he rang for help, then instinct kicked in. He'd searched for a pulse and thought he could feel one, it was very faint though. He'd given her mouth to mouth, it was all a blur which he only vaguely remembered. The next bit he remembered clearly.

She had opened her eyes wide, looked at him and whispered hoarsely. "Get him John, get him for me." Then she'd closed her eyes again and he heard that faint whisper, "Goodbye, John."

He'd heard the breath gush from her body and waited for her next breath, but it never came. He'd knelt at her side and wept for what seemed like hours but was in fact only seconds. He'd heard the sirens approaching and the voices around him. He'd been aware of someone prising her limp body from his arms and escorting him to the panda car.

Then realisation had hit.

He'd let the tears stream own his cheeks while all around him officers banded together to try and establish what had happened. He was too upset to speak. He'd spent the rest of that night sat at his desk in the office. He couldn't bear to go home where they'd been together just a few hours earlier, he wanted to be at the office where he could get all the news and developments as they came through.

He knew who'd done it from what happened, but the one thing he didn't understand was why.

When he regained the power of speech the first thing he had said was, "Beech did it." He didn't know what made him say that, how he knew, gut instinct he guessed.

The next morning he found out why Don had done it. CIB had turned up early, that was the first tell-tale sign, he just thought they were being efficient for a change. Superintendent Hodges had spent nearly an hour talking to Jack Meadows before he'd come to talk to John. When he eventually got to John he took him into Deakin's office for an 'informal chat'.
From then on everything had started to make sense. First of all he asked a lot of questions about Don.

Then came the questions about Claire, about their relationship, and that final cutting question – "Did Claire tell you she was working for CIB?"

John had nearly choked on hearing that, then he'd pieced together the information. She had so many secrets from him, she didn't want him to go and meet Beech, he'd heard them arguing, her last words. He put his theory to Hodges who refused to comment. John knew exactly what that meant.

So here he was now. Alone. He couldn't face going back to work. Not yet. Not with all the rumours that would be doing the rounds. Plus, he had a more pressing matter to deal with. Catching Don and making him suffer, just like he'd promised her he would.