Amanda just revealed her past to the woman she loved. She was so sure Liv would run. But where was Liv? Liv was holding her, reassuring her. Liv wasnt ashamed of her. Olivia's heart broke for all this woman went through. Honored that Amanda chose her to open up to.
Amanda gently caressed Liv's chin. "You really dont think I'm used goods? I shoulda fought huh? Coulda been a bit stronger." Liv kissed her lips gently, but also with a feverish need that she wasnt gonna leave. "Love, no I dont think you're used goods. You most certainly are not used goods. Honey you were hurt by the very people who were supposed to love and protect you." Amanda chewed her lip. "Yeah well they had to protect Kim so I guess I was the sacrificial lamb." Liv touched her face gently, "sweetheart you needed protecting too." Amanda shrugged, she broke out of Liv's hold and walked over to her window.
Amanda sighed "She let him touch me, she let him do everything he wanted to do to me. Including have sex with me. It wasnt just once either. As long as it wasnt Kim it was fine. Liv I was still a virgin. I mean really, how does a parent watch her daughter get forced into sex." Amanda had alot of questions, that were never going to be answered but she neeeded to get them out. Liv got up and went over to the window next to Amanda, putting her hands on her shoulders. "Sweetheart I have no answers to the questions, I have no clue what the hell was in their sick ass minds. I do no nothing has changed my feelings for you. I can give you reassurance in that. I will continue to be here for you. To help you through it, and most importantly to love you through it. Cause yes Amanda, I may have hesitated saying it before and I think it was cause I myself was scared at my own feelings being that strong so fast. But my darling Amanda, I honestly couldnt love you more. You've been the best thing that's happened to me.
Amanda covered her eyes with her hands. "All I want is to be loved. All I want is someone to love me. Love me, Amanda Marie Rollins." Olivia's heart was breaking for this woman. This woman who was so strong, but also was very good at keeping her feelings extremely guarded. Thing was Olivia did love her, does love her. She regrets not being honest when Amanda asked. At the same time if it makes any sense she is also glad that it happened like this too, cause it made the honest feelings come out. Olivia held her lady softly rocking them in place. "Babe, you are loved. You are loved by me. If that helps at all. I love you Amanda. I love you when you're working hard on a case, which you will be back to work soon. I love you when you're relaxed. I love you when you're in a silly mood and just having fun. And I even love you when you're pissed off. I love the way you convey and show your emotions. You dont ever have to hide them from me."
Amanda batted tears away, her voice breaking as she spoke "You really love me? I finally after all this time found someone who really loves me? I dont mean to question you or make you feel like shit Liv. This is all just so new to me. Liv they used me, abused me, and all for their own gain. Didnt matter that I needed the simplest thing, they just took and took and took." Olivia just stood and listened. When it got to be too much, she gently placed her arm around the blonde woman's waist and lead her to the futon to sit. She could see now that Amanda had really had enough abandonment all her life and she wasnt going to be the next one to be added to the list. "Amanda, sweetheart, I'm here for the longhaul. As long as you want me here, baby I am here. Though I dont know what the future infact holds for us, I know the main thing is I am here." Amanda looked at Liv. "Can I ask why when I first asked you did you seem to deny it and pretty much play dumb? I cant describe how much it hurt. I'm not angry bout it anymore cause we have rectified it. I am just curious is all."
Olivia looked at her and held her hands. "Amanda, I cant make excuses to why I did that. I will say I believe I was scared of my feelings, though I know you wouldnt reject me, I still had that fear myself. I regretted when I didnt confirm I said it and then when I went to work and we were giving the silent treatment, I couldnt get out of my head to say anything. I'll tell you this, coming home to my apartment finding you gone and any trace of you that was there killed me. Scared me honestly. It was like, what the fuck am I doing? Am I really risking losing the one thing I care the most about cause Im a chicken shit to admit my feelings? I sure didnt want that."
Amanda turned and kissed Liv, "I sure didnt want that either. I'm sorry if it feels like I overreacted. Kinda feel like I did. I am glad I opened up and told you. You are the only one who knows any of that. Everyone thinks Patton was my first sexual assault. Turns out he wasnt. I was known as the slut of the precinct between Patton and Reynolds. Sam didnt like it cause I said 'no' to him but he made damn sure to spread that I kept myself 'wide-eyed and wet for the big boss.' Liv where are we going from here? Are we gonna keep dating?" Liv kissed her before answering "We can do whatever as long as we are doing 'whatever' together."
So what do u think is going to happen between them? Seems Manda might be more commitment minded. As always im working on next chapter. might zip ahead a few months...