Redid this chapter as it wasnt ending properly. So this one is a lil bit longer, and ends a bit better. Hope you like it and Im currently working on the next chapter. Feedback is always welcome
Amanda stirred pretty easily as she wasnt in a deep sleep. Seems sleep wasnt her thing when her and Liv were at odds. She sat up and let her eyes focus. "Hey Liv. Yeah sure we can talk." Amanda pulled her blanket around her. "What's on your mind Olivia?" Amanda fixing her tank top and patting the seat next to her so they could talk. Liv sat down taking a deep breath. "Amanda I know I've hurt you with this whole thing on marriage. That is the last thing I wanted to do." Amanda grabbed Liv's hand interrupting her again "I'm fine with it. You dont want to marry me I get it. Yeah it hurts, but I'll get over it. At least I have a committed relationship with you. I can be happy with that. I am happy with that." Olivia squeezed Amanda's hand. "Babe please let me finish. I need to say this." Amanda sat back sighing "Okay Liv. Say what you need to say. I just hope it's the right thing and it doesnt rip us further apart." Liv looked at her, she wasnt willing to risk losing her. If Amanda was marriage minded and wanted that committment, she'd do it. "Amanda I have thought about engagement and marriage and to be honest it's the first time I've ever thought about it. Shit for the longest time I was married to the job, you even saw that. Can I ask you something without you getting hurt or upset?" Amanda nodded. Liv took a deep breath, "Are you wanting the formality of committment because of your fear of abandonment? Now before you get mad and think I'm judging I'm not. I'm only asking to know how you feel. Yes we have professed our love for one another and we show it all the time so we know that's not a factor." Amanda cracked her knuckles, rolled her eyes up cause the tears were threatening. Liv had just nailed it right on the head. "You're right Liv. I cant get mad at you for being right. But you also knew I had abandonment issues." tears betraying her and starting to fall, making her voice break "You're the first one I've thought about a lifetime with myself. Growing up the way I did, I never saw it in my cards. That was until I started dating you. Then it just all felt right. It felt like everything was finally falling into place. We dated for a while which was amazing. Then we took another step and moved in together and thats been great as well especially waking up to you every morning. To me the next step is marriage and possible family. Yes it does represent security and stability for me, cant deny that. But for someone who never wanted or looked for anything but a one nighter here and there, to cant picture my life without you in it says alot. At least to me. It means to me I found my one and I'm blessed for that since lots of people never find that. They go their whole lives wishing and wanting for what I have. But there's something about you that shows me that security, stabilitly as well as love and affection and it just makes me want more." Liv hugged her, this woman meant alot to her. "So Amanda why dont we sit and discuss the possibility of engagement and marriage." Amanda nodded "I'd like that. I just dont want to push you away from me. I have a tendency to be clingy but thats only cause I trust and love you so much. How bout we quit this tense mood between us and curl up together to watch a movie. I promise to make it worth your while." Amanda said that last part with a sly wink and some huskiness in her tone. Liv kissed her. God she loved this woman, she meant everything to her.
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They curled up on the couch and started to watch a movie. Liv had laid on the couch first. She really wanted to cuddle with her love. She let Amanda choose if she wanted to be in the front of her cuddled or even laying on her, since it seemed that laying on Liv relaxed her loads more. Though Amanda was kinda hurt still, she laid in her usual spot with Liv. It was in Liv's embrace that she relaxed the most. Liv not really paying attention to the movie, thinking bout Amanda and her discussion with Alex. Maybe the right move was to cement their relationship by taking the next big step. To her it wasnt worth losing Amanda. Nothing was worth that. If Amanda really wanted to be engaged and married eventually then that's what she would get. She really was in disbelief herself that someone loved her that much to want all of that.
"Amanda I know you want this committment, thing is one thing I dont believe in is divorce. If we are to get married, then we stick it out, thick and thin, better or worse." Amanda nodded. She perched herself up on her elbows upon Liv's chest, she didnt bear weight down. "Liv if I didnt see this type of future with you I sure wouldnt make an ass out of myself and even suggest it. I myself dont see myself with anyone other than you. You mean the absolute world to me. But I also see you have doubts, especially when you started off with "I dont believe in divorce. It's fine." Liv arched her brow "I dont know what the hell to say Amanda. I'll admit, I've never been married and the thought of it scares the shit out of me." Amanda sat up, now straddling the brunette. "And you think I'm not scared Liv? You think this just came out of nowhere that I all the sudden wanted to be married to you? It sure as hell didnt. I've never once thought of myself as marriage-material. Fuck I never thought I was relationship material, but here I am. But again it's not that hard Liv, you're making it harder than it has to be. You either see me as wife material or you dont." Liv just looked at her. "Amanda it's a big step. Moving in was one thing, one can still leave if one chooses to walk away. Marriage it aint so easy to walk away."
Amanda got fed up. She was angry and hurt and now really didnt want to discuss it anymore. It seemed Liv was more focused on the negatives rather than the positives. "It is what it is Liv. I'm sorry I bothered you with my wanting this. I'll just keep my mouth shut. Let's just watch a movie and leave it at that." Liv knew by Amanda's tone that she was hurt. She didnt want to lose Amanda just like she told Alex, but this big of a committment scared the shit out of her. Sitting up to watch the movie. She would have much rathered be in her loves arms but those are the same arms that are hurting her right now. Liv got up to get a drink and snack. "Babe you want anything while I'm up?" Amanda shrugged, "Sure I'll take a beer." Liv got Amanda the beer she asked for. Sitting back down she handed the bottle to her girlfriend. "Here ya go babe." Amanda took the bottle, popping the top off, before taking a drink she looked at Liv. "Thanks for the beer." Liv just looked at her, slightly annoyed that Amanda wasnt communicating with her. They were supposed to be together and she felt Amanda was acting like a child. "So Amanda are you going to keep giving me the silent treatment? Or are we going to be grown ups and discuss this?" Amanda shrugged. How could she make Liv see she was deeply hurt? What were they gonna do just gonna live together and not progress to anything more, just stay at a standstill? Amanda rolled her eyes to keep the tears back, "Well what the hell am I supposed to say Liv? I mean come on, you have pretty much focused on all the shit that could go wrong rather than what good it brings. So it's pretty well obvious that you dont see any kind of progression like that with us. So yeah I'm allowed to be hurt Liv, you cant tell me I'm not allowed." Amanda leaned back, drinking her beer.
Liv glanced over at her Amanda, she hated seeing her hurting like this. At the same time she really didnt know if she was ready for that next step. Though with her talk with Alex she was ready for it and it just seemed her cold feet were getting the better of her. What she didnt realize was she was on the verge of losing the woman she loved. They watched a few more films. Amanda stayed in her spot not moving, not trying to be close to Liv like she usually did. When Liv got tired she looked over to Amanda "Hey babe, I'm going to bed. You coming?" Liv looked at her blonde love, she hadnt meant to hurt her. She was just unsure. Amanda was right bout one thing though they seriously needed to talk and they had to continue to grow in thier relationship. Amanda looked up at Liv quickly swatting a tear. "Nah babe I'm gonna watch the news and I'll be to bed soon."
Liv was a little hurt at this gesture. They usually went to bed together everynight. Liv watched as Amanda readjusted herself on the couch. Amanda was hurt, they could do everything a married couple could do but Liv didnt want to progress to that. It made Amanda feel like she wasnt worth it. Liv went on to bed, Amanda watched her news and ended up crashing on the couch. She was emotionally tired and hurt quite a bit. They both had work in the morning hopefully things wouldnt make their way to work.