A/N: This is for Screaming Fae's Secret Santa, which was going to be a one-shot, but has turned out to be something that needed more than one chapter. I hope you forgive me for not having the complete thing ready for you. Words have been very difficult for me of late and I wanted to do you and the pairing you love so much some justice. It's only as the deadline neared that I realise it needed to be more and I had finally found my words for it. If you enjoy this even an eighth as much as I adore your Jamulus stories, then I can be a happy writer. I promise not to delay the rest for long, if you do stick with it.

I implore you all to visit Screaming Fae's stories. She will truly show you how a story is meant to be written.

P.S:

Chapter One

Pain – physical or otherwise – was not something James Potter was familiar with. That wasn't to say he was blind to pain or what it did to a person. He'd seen the psychological scars in Sirius Black – best mate, adopted brother and companion in all thinks pranking – and not to mention the physical scars when he thought James wasn't looking. It was enough to make him grateful for the parents he had, the privileged life they'd given him, and the lack of fear in entrusting his heart to another person. Even Lily Evans, his boyhood crush, had not been brutal enough towards him in her rejection for him to truly know heartbreak.

When Regulus, Sirius' brother, turned up on their doorstep one stormy evening, soaked to the core, James knew he was about to experience every bit of pain he'd avoided all his life.

XXX

January

James watched Lily affectionately kiss Sirius on the cheek, alcohol making her more tactile than she usually would be. He noticed the hard blink from Sirius as she hugged him tightly; he never shied away from two people's touch – Lily and Remus. That wasn't to say he still struggled with affection.

"Thank you for this… best birthday in a long time," Lily said happily, resting her head on Sirius' shoulder for a moment.

James and Sirius had thrown her a small surprise party, inviting the old gang from school, as she was more or less family to them. More than her own sister had been.

"And you!" She pointed at James. "Thank you for not hating me when I rejected you for all those years."

"Christ! She's getting maudlin. Time to get her home," Sirius announced, easily dodging her elbow going for his ribs.

"I'll take her. I've got an early start anyway," Remus Lupin offered. He put his bottle of beer down on the kitchen counter and laughed as Lily hugged him tightly when he reached her.

Sirius kissed Remus over Lily's shoulder. "You can still come back," Sirius suggested.

"I have an early morning too!" James said sharply. "There's only so many ways I can tell you both that the walls in this flat are paper thin!"

"Or you could come with me?" Remus asked, his cheeks getting a little more red with each passing second. Lily was now making Remus sway to music no one could hear, her eyes closed as she pressed her face into his chest.

"Excellent idea." Sirius pulled at Lily. "Come on, Red. Let's get you into a coat. Don't want you getting soaked on the way home."

Ten minutes later James was left with a very messy and very quiet flat. Plates of unfinished party food were dotted around various pieces of furniture and electronics and a bottle of red wine, half finished, was balanced precariously in the corner of their couch. Taking the bottle into the kitchen, James ripped off a bin liner from the roll and started to get to work. Unlike Sirius, he wasn't able to let the situation be tomorrow's problem.

As James tied up the first bag of rubbish, there was a knock at the door. No one had buzzed to the flat, so it had to be one of the neighbours; probably Mrs Reynolds come to complain that he was walking around too loudly. When he checked the peephole, it most certainly wasn't Mrs Reynolds in her beige dressing gown with her long grey hair in a side plait. Instead James could see dark, curly hair hanging limply round a pale face.

"Sirius?" James called out without thinking. He knew it wasn't Sirius… but he looked so much like him.

"Is he there?" a hoarse voice called back.

James opened the door as he checked the side table for Sirius' keys. He'd actually remembered to take them with him, for a change. When he met the grey eyes – familiar but not – James felt like someone had punched him deeply in the chest and it was a wound he would never recover from.

He stared at the man before him, his mouth open ready to ask who he was but his throat dried up and words evaporated on his lips. The man returned the stare, hugging himself tightly, his shoulders hunched over, making him appear shorter than he was, when in reality, when stood fully, he was probably a head taller than James. His dark clothes were soaked, water dripping onto the welcome matt, clinging to a desperately skinny frame.

James knew who he was – the eyes, grey and haunted, looked too much like Sirius' for him not to know, even if he had never met him before. But there was something else there that he hadn't seen in Sirius' eyes… something James was prepared to spend his entire life fighting for. What he would fight for, he didn't know nor did he care.

"Is Sirius here?" the man asked again. His voice sounded like he'd been screaming for days. The dark circles under his eyes made him look like he'd been awake for months. "Does he still live here?"

"Regulus?" James asked, his own voice cracking against the dryness. He gave a small, single nod. "Sirius said you'd died."

The last vestige of hope seemed to leave Regulus' eyes and James breathed deep in through his nose to stop himself feeling like his own hope had died out. Regulus nodded at no one or anything in particular. He turned to leave. James immediately reached out, his hand landed on Regulus' hand as it gripped his painfully thin upper arm. They both looked at the contact for a moment as James processed a flurry of feelings rushing through him. Regulus looked at his hand like he hadn't had human contact in years.

"Sorry," James mumbled. Slowly he took his hand back. "Don't go. You look half-frozen to death. Why don't you come in, get warm and I'll call Sirius?"

Regulus looked back at the stairs, which gave James a glimpse at a tattoo on the side of his neck; a skull with a snake coiled around it. "Will he want me here?" Regulus asked. He turned back to James. "Sirius? If he said I was dead, will he still want me here?"

James attempted to answer his question a couple of times before saying, "I can't speak for him. All I can do is call him and tell him you're here."

He stood to one side and pushed the door open. Regulus glanced back to the stairs one more time. Then he did the nodding thing again and walked into the narrow hallway of James and Sirius' flat. Before he could get too far into the flat, James pushed the bathroom door open. The smell of aftershave and shower gel still lingered in the air from their earlier showers.

"Why don't you have a shower." It wasn't a question. "Get warm. I'll get you some dry clothes – are you hungry?" James stumbled over his words. His thoughts wouldn't keep still. He wanted to ask and say so many things to this man who had made his heart beat fast by being near him.

Regulus paused at the door, took in the towels drying on the radiator under the window, the windowsill damp from condensation. "Thanks," he mumbled, not moving.

James waited. He bit gently on his tongue to keep himself from saying anything. Then, "Are you hungry? We've got a shit-ton of food left over from a party we had tonight."

Regulus looked at James, a frown made him look like he was ready to cry. "Starved," he whispered.

It was surprising what a short amount of time, a hot shower, some food and a cup of tea could do for a person. An hour later saw Regulus sat at the small, wooden kitchen table opposite James. He'd tied his wet curls into a bun at the crown of his head and he had some colour back in his cheeks. He looked human rather than a walking skeleton, even if the dark circles around his eyes hadn't been chased away yet.

They silently sipped at their cooling tea while the ticking clock by the door to the small balcony told James it was nearly one in the morning.

"I text Sirius that you were here," James said for lack of anything else to say. "I suspect he's a bit… busy right now."

"Sleeping?" Regulus gave a small lift of the corner of his mouth. That movement lit up his features more than it had a right to.

The change in his demeanour made James involuntary swallow. "Probably not."

Regulus downed the last of his tea and stood up. The clothes James had dug out for him hung heavily on his frame; a burgundy concert t-shirt and black jeans. They were the same height and broadness, but Regulus needed feeding up.

"I should go. I'll come back in the morning." He pulled his still damp black peacoat. It was the only item of clothing that looked expensive, like the money he knew Sirius' family to have.

"Do you have somewhere to go?" James asked quickly. Too quickly. He shook his head and stood. "I mean, you might as well stay. It's late and Sirius will be back early anyway."

Regulus stared at the coat in his hands. "Sirius won't mind?"

"I don't mind, so he'll just have to get on board with it." James smiled. He took the coat off Regulus and put it on the still warm radiator by the door. "You can have my room. I'll stay in Sirius' room."

XXX

James bolted up with a gasp from a rather pleasant dream about roaming hands and dark curls covering his face. Ice cold water dripped off his chin. He grabbed his glasses off the bedside cabinet. "Fuck off, Sirius! What was that for?"

Sirius dark gaze didn't flinch. He dropped the empty mug onto James' lap. "Why's he still here?"

"Why did you say he was dead?" James snapped back. He used the blanket to dry his face.

"Because until last year, I thought he was," Sirius whispered sharply. He yanked the blanket from James' hand, the mug smashed when it hit the wardrobe. "You have to tell him to go."

"He's your brother, you tell him." James slammed his bare feet on the carpeted floor. It was immediately met by a muffled shout from Mrs Reynolds. The sound seemed to make James' anger dissipate instantly. He didn't want Regulus to go. "Look, Sirius. He's clearly in need of some help."

Sirius shook off James' hand from his shoulder, giving it a slap as he did. "He had his chances."

"Sirius," a voice still thick from sleep spoke from the door, "please. I really mean it this time."

Sirius turned slowly to look at him, his face void of emotions. James had never seen him look so cold. Angry – a lot, cold… never. "Like you meant it last time?"

Sirius didn't wait for anyone to answer or speak. He shoved past Regulus with a final sentence over his shoulder before slamming the front door. "I'll be an hour. I want him gone by the time I come back."

There was another muffled shout from Mrs Reynolds then silence. James stared at Regulus, with his wild curls hanging around his bare shoulders. His muscles had definition for someone who didn't appear to eat well or maybe the many tattoos helped with that; he was more like Sirius in that aspect. The dark green pyjama pants hung on his hip bones, barely staying up. Even with the heavy atmosphere, James found himself hearing a tiny voice in his head, One movement and they could just… fall. The thought sent an odd sensation through James' lower abdomen.

After staring at the ugly carpet Sirius loved so much for a moment, Regulus moved quickly, muttering that he should leave and how he was sorry for causing any trouble. If there'd been any hope in Regulus' features, it was long gone now.

James followed him round the flat as he grabbed his clothing off various radiators. Regulus ignored James' pleas to wait a moment, to give Sirius time, until James caught his elbow. Regulus flinched and snatched it away at the same time, his hand a fist around the t-shirt in his hand.

Regulus dropped his arm. "Sorry, you caught me – sorry."

James shook his head. "Nothing to apologise for. I shouldn't have grabbed you like that."

"Thanks for letting me stay the night." Regulus went back down the hallway to the bathroom. "I haven't slept that well in years."

James could hear him trying to lighten the situation. He imagined that was probably what Regulus' voice truly sounded like when not burdened with life; it was deep and melodic.

"Why don't you let me help you?" James asked. He didn't even think about it. The words had left him before he could.

"You?" Regulus stopped closing the door on the bathroom to look at James. "Why?"

"Why not?"

"Sirius," Regulus stated.

"Right. Yes." James looked around the hallway filled with photos of the two of them and their friends from the last ten years. "I'll do it anyway, but it has a condition."

"I'm no good with conditions," Regulus told him. He stepped out of the bathroom, dropping his clothes on the floor behind him. "It's why I'm in this mess."

James smiled. "It's fine, you're already doing it."

"Doing what?"

When he frowned a little, James took a deep breath. How could a frown make him feel like his world was about to be turned upside down?

"Being honest… I want honesty from you. About everything."

"You're best getting that from Sirius." Regulus stepped backwards into the bathroom.

James stepped forward. "No. I want your honesty. Sirius is basically family. I want to understand what it is you've done and how I can fix this. He should have his brother in his life."

"It's best that you don't understand," Regulus said quietly after a moment of staring at James. A stare that made James feel like he could see every errant thought he was having about this half-naked man.

"Why not?" James stepped forward.

"You like that question," Regulus stated.

A bubble of a laugh escaped James. "It has gotten me into a bit of trouble of the years." James pulled at his messy hair for a moment. "Let me understand… I won't judge, I promise."

A reluctant, "Okay" let his lips. "But you can't be surprised if you somehow get hurt, understood?" he added quickly, pointing at James' face.

"I'm sure Sirius will make sure I'm not."

"No! He can't know you're helping me."

James started at the loudness of his voice. "I don't keep secrets from Sirius."

"Then this is as far as you can help me." Regulus was already shutting the door.

James put a hand out to stop the door. "Fine." Consequences be damned. "But we tell him eventually. When you're in a better place?"

And so an agreement came to pass.

Regulus left half an hour later with fifty pounds from James' wallet, his phone number, and a date to meet up in a couple of weeks so that he could tell James everything.

James sank down on the couch, his heart pounding and a smile on his lips. He knew his life would never be the same now that he'd met Regulus. He also knew that it might not be for the better, but either way, he needed to have every inch of Regulus in his life and he didn't care what it would cost him.