A/N:The final post. I meant to keep it short. I hope you liked it, please review. And TY for reading. ILY
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He felt how he shivered when he thought back of that day.
He had literally forced himself to go, the moment he woke up it dawned him this really was the end. Part of him wanted to lay down and vanish, but he managed to get up and get dressed for the occasion. He knew he had to go, out of respect for her, but moreover to force himself to see what he had abandoned earlier. It was a form of self-chastisement.
Once he had arrived at the church, he was hesitant to step over the threshold and go in. But he did. Once inside he looked for a place in the back.
The moment he stepped in he was aware he was being watched. And not out of sympathy. His eyes trailed down the crowd. He saw her husband.
And his cold hard eyes met his in a hostile, piercing look.
'What is he doing here?', he heard him say. He was perplexed, why shouldn't he be there? She had been special to him too. The black woman standing next to him tried to hush him, in vain.
'Why shouldn't he be? Please Jack don't make matters worse...'
'I'm making matter worse?', he said, 'He's having quite the nerves to show up here...'
Lucy gently touched Jack's arm. 'Maybe you should talk.'
Jack's eyes burnt into his. He shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. Lucy excused herself and went to meet other people.
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Jack approached him. 'You, outside.'
'I don't...'
'You don't what?', he said harshly. 'Oh, I'm not going to throw you out, even though I want to. I know Sue would have wanted you to be here.'
'Yes, I think she would...', he said.
'What makes you think so? You weren't with her, I was. So don't you start saying things in her behalf. You have lost your damn right to do so.' Jack spat the words.
He just stared at him, bewildered. What had earned him this hatred? He had stepped back for her sake didn't he?
'Jack, if you resent my presence here I'll leave...', he said. Jack's eyes lit up with more fury. 'No, you'll stay. See what you left behind, realize what you've done, cause I have a few things for you to chew on when you're gone.'
'What do you mean? I've never done anything to hurt you or her...I never got in your way. What did I do?'
'It's what you didn't do...' He looked stunned but then it slowly dawned him.
'Let me tell you something: I loved Sue, I still love her. And she loved me too, but I never was able to reach for her heart. That belonged to someone else.'
He stared in his eyes. 'It belonged to you...
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Oh god...
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'Why did you leave her?'
'I... I thought it was the best for her...'
'It wasn't. Have you ever realized to what extent you hurt her? Do you? I don't think so. Even though she married me, after a while, all she ever wanted was you. You. I could see it in her eyes, when we were together.' He said nothing, knew nothing to say.
'I had to pick up the pieces when you told her you felt it was better if you went separate ways. I tried to comfort her, give her the love she deserved and slowly she recovered.'
Jack looked him right into his eyes. 'Why did you never go to her when you saw her downtown? She wanted you to. Don't think she hadn't noticed you, she had. And every time I was the one who could pick up the pieces when she came home.'
'She couldn't bear it anymore. Goddamn it. That's why she fled. She fled because you were there. Silently, out of reach but still around her. You hurt her, trampled her soul with that.'
'I...didn't know...', he said, solemnly.
'Finally when we left town she became mine. But not totally. There was always the uncertainty whenever we kissed whether she was kissing me and not thinking of you! Every touch, every time she said she loved me I knew there was this place in her heart I never could have. Even when we made love I wasn't sure. You have any idea how that feels? It eats you. Just as her unfulfilled desire ate her. And for that I'm shocked, even more because now you show up. Only now you coughed up the goddamn courage to go and see her.'
He sensed Jack was almost done, but waited to say something until he was finished.
'You could have made her happy. More than I ever could have made her. Yet you decided to hurt her. And don't you dare start with 'I was doing what I thought best for her'. Fuck that. That's the most selfish thing to say, trying to be the one we should be sorry for. Making it look like it was merely an act of sacrifice, of selflessness. It isn't!'
'The time I spend at her side, when she was in the Hospital, that's where I felt out of place suddenly. It dawned me you were the one she would have liked to see sitting there. Holding her hand as her condition worsened. Wash her face with cold water, pressing kisses of her forehead. Trying to comfort her, kiss away the pain.'
He leaned in a little closer to his face. 'I was married to her, but I never was what she wanted. I was a stranger in my own marriage, an intruder. You have no idea how I felt about that. Let me make this very clear to you: I hated you. I still fucking do. For all the grief you caused me. But moreover because of the grief you caused Sue.' He turned away. 'Thanks for making my life miserable.'
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'Jack...'
He turned round, reluctantly.
'I'm so sorry, I...' Jack held up his hand. 'Save it for someone who cares.'
He swallowed. 'For what it's worth...Thanks for inviting me.'
His eyes flamed up. 'I never invited you, you would be the last person I would like to see ever again.'
He looked puzzled. 'Then who did?'
'Thank Lucy for it. She has had the heart to think of you. An act of care you never displayed.'
Jack walked away.
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He sat down and buried his head in his hands.
She had loved him, had wanted him. He had ruined not only his life, but hers too. Especially hers.
God, please forgive me...
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A tap on his shoulder made him look up, his eyes wet with remorse and regret. Through his tears he saw Lucy smiling softly at him. 'I'm sorry you had to go through that. Especially today. I know Sue had not wanted this, but I can't blame Jack. Please be kind to him. It's hard for him now she's gone. He really loved her. Truly madly deeply.'
'I did too...', it came out, full of remorse. She squeezed his hand. 'I know you did. Whatever your intentions were for letting her go, I believe they were meant to be good.'
He nodded slowly and his eyes wandered off. He looked outside, the fine watery mist was still trailing down from the sky. And in his mind the image stuck. The emotions of regret, remorse and loss that overwhelmed him stuck. Were carved out in his soul.
From now on, every time it was Spring he wouldn't see the beauty of it anymore, but this image of the solemn, disconsolate skies, the soaked soil, the barren trees: all of this would haunt him for all time to come.
Where there used to be color, there was nothing bright anymore. All was painted black. He blinked to see through the tears. In vain.
Lucy gently touched his arm and nodded towards the entrance of the church. Today was the time he was forced to say good bye to the one he had loved, who had loved him, but he never dared to have.
'Come, David. It's time to visit Sue...'
FIN