"Will you calm down! It's only been two days. I'm sure he'll be back any moment now." Clara was trying to reassure the Doctor. He was currently creating a hole in the carpet of the flat with how much pacing he was doing.

"Exactly, Clara! Two days! Which means he didn't get my voicemail which means something is wrong!" his face paled. "What if he's finally taking his revenge on me for leaving him?" He was now facing Clara and put his hands on her shoulders. "What if he doesn't come back for another ten years!"

Clara rolled her eyes as the daft older Time Lord changed rooms and began to frantically pace around the small kitchen.

"Okay, deep breaths. Calm down."

Nothing.

The Doctor continued to pace.

"Oi!" she called out.

The Doctor halted and looked at the fierce brunette.

"So what? What if he doesn't come for another 10 years? What if he never comes back? Are you just going to keep pacing back and forth until the end of time?"

The Doctor was gaping now. Clara slowly made her way over to the now very still alien. She raised an eyebrow. "Besides," she said as she brushed some dust off of his shoulder, "can't you just use your TARDIS key and bring the TARDIS back here?"

The Doctor closed his eyes and took a calming breath. "Oh, you beautiful woman, you. I'm so thick sometimes! Of course, I can do that!"

Clara was giggling now. "And you knew this whole time and let me go on raving like a madman?"

"Oh, please. You're the one who knows how to pilot the TARDIS. She's basically your wife. Don't tell me you honestly forgot that you could just summon her back here on a whim?"

The Doctor bobbed his head back and forth. "Well, I mean…" before he could respond, Clara brought his face down into a passionate kiss. "I mean…I could wait another…hour…or two." His feisty companion was now undoing his trousers. "Or…or another…day…or…."

"Doctor?"

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

…

John was currently standing outside the TARDIS with Citana. "And here she is in all her glory. The TARDIS. Stands for…um…something space-y."

Citana rolled her eyes as she kicked at the door.

"Oi! What are you doing? You can't go about kicking the Old Girl. She's got feelings." John was now rubbing the door.

"Oh, god. Do you have some kind of weird fetish with inanimate objects? Does that trash can over there turn you on?" Citana gestured over her shoulder to the overflowing rubbish bin in the alleyway. "How about that wall? That brickwork is pretty hot," she joked.

John backed away from the TARDIS and straightened. "Stop. And no, I don't have some weird fetish. I'm being serious. The TARDIS is a sentient ship!"

Citana chuckled as John finally opened the doors with a smug look on his face as he gestured for her to enter.

"Ohhh, I see. So that key does it for ya? Doesn't it?" she was laughing now as John grumbled and shoved her into the TARDIS.

Citan's laughter died in her throat when she began to look around. John watched as she silently trailed her hands along the railing then around the console. He could see in her eyes she was taking it all in. Trying to figure out how it all worked.

"So?" he asked.

"So, what?" Citana had an unbothered look on her face.

John rolled his eyes and took a deep breath. God, this woman was infuriating.

"What do you think?"

"It's nice." She then quickly turned and made her way towards the corridor.

John was left dumbfounded. He hadn't realised he'd been staring right at the spot she'd been standing, well after she'd already walked away.

"Wait? Nice? Is that all?" he quickly ran after her. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Surely, there's some kind of clothing room on this ship of yours. I'm not about to wear your smelly t-shirt anymore."

John could have replied, but he knew she probably wasn't wrong, so he shook his head and followed her.

They came to a door that John slowly began to open. He stuck his head in to make sure it was the right room. "Ah! Yes, okay. Here's the TARDIS wardrobe. Help yourself."

Citana went into the room and began to look through all the clothes.

"I'll um, just leave you to it then," said John as he shuffled awkwardly. "I'll meet you back in the console room." Citana just nodded. Not taking her eyes off the extensive collection of outfits.

John made the trek to his own room. He went straight to his private loo and hopped in the shower.

"What the fuck?" he silently cursed to himself as he began to rummage through his clothes. "Okay, what the hell is all this?" John found his wardrobe full of the Doctor's clothes. He considered running to the TARDIS' wardrobe, but given he only had a towel on, he was pretty confident he'd run into Citana only to have her tear it off of him to make fun of his…well, anyway. John huffed and rolled his eyes as he grabbed the clothes and put them on. He'd left off the braces and bow-tie, along with the purple tweed. When he went to open the door of his room, he found it was locked.

"You've got to be shitting me," he whined. "Okay, haha, very funny. Please let me out!"

Nothing.

John pinched his eyes shut. "Okay," he breathed. "There's obviously a reason for all this, so I'm going to go along with this charade. But, don't for a second think that I'm going to be wearing this get-up every day!"

John reluctantly put on the braces and the rest of the ensemble. As soon as he was fully clad, the door of his room swung open. John shook his head as he made his way to the console room.

Citana was looking over all the buttons and levers as John approached her. He smiled when he saw the outfit she'd picked. It was similar to what she'd initially been wearing. A simple pair of jeans and a graphic t-shirt.

"Pearl Jam?" questioned John.

"Ah, yeah. Got a thing for Eddie Vedder."

Citana then looked John up and down with a curious look. "Nice bow-tie. Although, purple tweed?"

"Ah, yeah." John rubbed the back of his neck. "Not my usual, but the TARDIS seemed to like it."

Citana nodded. "Hmm. Should have gone with brown tweed instead."

John's eyebrow raised as Citana moved to the other side of the console.

"So," began Citana. "How…how old are you?" John couldn't see the expression on her face from where she was standing.

John was about to answer truthfully when he thought it might do him some good to add a few years. Give himself more clout. "I'm….twenty-seven." He rounded the console as he stood next to her. She gave him a curious face. "What?"

"Dunno. Just thought maybe you'd be…older."

"Ha, well, that's a first." He then thought for a moment. "Um, how…uh, how old are you?"

Citana giggled. "Are you seriously asking a woman her age?"

"Citana," John was not about to fall for her teasing.

"I'm twenty-one," she said simply. John's face lit up.

"Really? I'm… I'm actually twenty-one. Don't know why I lied," he laughed nervously.

"Oh, well, if we are going to be truthful about our ages… I'm actually fifteen."

John's hearts nearly stopped as he stared at her. "Fif…fifteen?" he sputtered out nervously. "Oh, Christ. I…I saw your..." He made awkward circles around his chest. "And you're only…" his eyes were wide at the realisation he'd ripped open a 15-year-old girl's robe and gawked at her naked body in some seedy hotel room.

Citana was now laughing uncontrollably while wiping her eyes from tears. She could barely speak. "Oh, god. You're face!"

John inhaled and let out an over-exaggerated annoyed sigh.

"You're not actually fifteen, are you?"

She was still laughing in tears as she shook her head 'no.' When she finally caught her breath, she spoke. "I'm twenty. I swear to God. I'm twenty."

John looked her up and down. He then started pushing random buttons right before throwing the lever.

"Where are we going?" asked Citana with wide eyes.

"We are going home. Still need to make you a proper cup of tea." The TARDIS jolted, indicating that they had landed. John went to the viewscreen. "Woo!" he whooped, seeing he got the place and date right. He then righted himself and gave a nervous cough. "Er, I mean, yeah, you know. I always stick the landing."

Before Citana could give a snarky reply, the TARDIS began to shake.

"What's happening?"

John went to the controls. "Well, uh, it seems as though we're taking off, but the engines aren't going."

"Aaaaand what the hell does that mean? Are we moving?"

The TARDIS jolted, causing them both to grab onto a railing.

"I believe we are moving, yes," said John, nervously.

"Why do YOU look nervous. Isn't this YOUR spaceship?" shouted Citana.

"Eh, yeah, right." John then straightened, put on a brave face and went to the door. "Okay, just take a look. Can't be anything too bad," he whispered to himself. John flung the door open right when the TARDIS made an awkward movement sending John scrambling out the door, trying to grab on anything that would hold him.

"John!" yelled Citana as she rushed to the doors, just in time to see him hanging off the edge.

"Holy, shit, mother fucking, Jesus H. Christ!" yelled John. "Don't just stare at me! Help me up!" shouted John in terror as the TARDIS was being swung about London by helicopter.

"Right!" Citana then bent down and began to pull John up. By the time he finally was inside the TARDIS, whoever had hold of them gently set the Old Girl on the ground.

The two awkwardly stumbled out of the time machine only to be met by some unfamiliar (and rather important) looking faces. John awkwardly saluted them, not knowing what else to do. Citana gave him an odd look.

"Why am I saluting?" he mumbled to himself.

"Doctor, as Chief Scientific Officer, may I extend the official apologies of UNIT," said the blond woman who offered him her hand to shake. Citana made a face and leaned in to whisper.

"Did she just call you, Doctor?"

Not knowing what to do and seeing the crowd of people, John figured the TARDIS had wanted him to play Doctor for the day, given she gave him no other clothing options.

"Ah, right. Yes, well, John is just my um, undercover name. I usually go by the Doctor." He gave a tight smile to Citana, who was still looking at him strangely. He felt a stab of guilt for lying to her.

The woman before him cleared her throat.

"Oh right. Um, what can I do you for…er," he then caught a quick look at her identification lanyard. "Kate Lethbridge-Stuart?"

"I'm acting on instructions direct from the throne. Sealed orders from the Queen."

John just nodded along, not really understanding what she meant. While Citana just observed with a face of confusion. Kate then handed John a sealed envelope. He was about to open it, figuring 'what the hell,' when Kate told him to wait until they got inside.

John and Citana followed the odd crew into the building. The young Time Lord began to quickly note everyone and everything around him whilst simultaneously trying to access any part of his "Doctor" brain to figure out what was going on.

"Ah! UNIT!" he exclaimed with a snap of his fingers, startling everyone and receiving odd looks. He shrunk back a bit. "I…I just missed the place. You know…um…anyway." He gestured for Kate to continue leading the way.

"What's UNIT?" hissed Citana.

"It's a government thing that deals with alien things….I think."

Citana scoffed. "Are you sure you're really the Doctor?" she questioned.

John cocked his head at her use of the article. "Why did you say "the Doctor" and not just "Doctor"? he asked.

Citana simply shrugged her shoulders. "Dunno. Just thought it sounded right." She then roamed her eyes over his features. "Are you sure you're really twenty-one? What twenty-one year old gets involved with…well, whatever this is?"

Suddenly, they came to a room with a strange painting. John didn't know how he was supposed to react, given he didn't know what he was even looking at. But the look on Kate's face told him that it was something important.

"Er, wow…this…this is…."

"Elizabeth's credentials, Doctor."

John nervously scratched at his head as he took a few steps closer to the painting. It was mesmerising. All of a sudden, he clutched at his head, feeling an intense pain for a moment. Suddenly, it was gone.

"Are you alright?" asked Kate. Citana had placed her hand on his back.

"Fine. I just…" he looked at the painting again. "I know this. How do I know this?"

"What is it?" asked Citana.

"It's the fall of Arcadia, Gallifrey's second city." He quirked his head. "No more," he whispered to himself.

…

"The painting is only proof of Elizabeth's credentials, proof the letter is real," said Kate.

John then broke the seal and began to read the letter. After reading, he folded it up and placed it in his pocket.

"So, when you say "the Queen," he began. "You're not actually referring to the current reigning monarch…are you?"

Kate looked confused. "Of course not, Doctor. Why would we go through all this trouble to prove her credentials if you could just talk to her yourself? That letter is from Queen Elizabeth I."

Citana's eyebrows rose. "What did it say?"

John shuffled a bit. "Er, it's a bit personal?" he didn't really know what to say, let alone what to make of the fact the "Virgin Queen" was referring to the Doctor as her "dearest love" and "husband."

He turned to Kate.

"What exactly happened?"

…

John and Citana were now standing in front of another painting. Kate made a face indicating that once again, the image was significant. John stared at the strange man with the spiky hair standing next to Queen Elizabeth I. Maybe he'd get one of those weird headaches again and know what the fuck this was all about. He leaned in and looked at it intently.

Nothing.

Kate cleared her throat. "Doctor?" He turned. "May I have a word with you. In private?"

John looked to Citana.

"You don't need my permission," she laughed.

John rolled his eyes as he followed Kate to a more secluded spot.

"Doctor? Are you alright? You're acting…strange."

John adjusted his bow-tie. "Strange? No, not strange. Just…um, I'll be honest, I'm a bit out of my depth here."

Kate looked at him in confusion. "What do you mean "out of your depth"? This is what you do! And you look at that painting as if you don't even recognise yourself!"

At that moment, it dawned on John who the odd bloke was. He winced.

"Oh, fuck. Right. That's him. I mean me. I mean me when I was him."

Kate's eyes looked as if they were about to pop out of her head. John just laughed nervously. "You know each regeneration is a lottery. I tend to curse a bit more now. Can't all be winners!" He waved a hand dismissively, hoping she'd buy the lie.

"Right," said Kate, now studying his every move.

They made their way back to the painting. Citana now spoke. "So, who is the skinny guy?"

"Umm, that, that would be me," said John. He half expected her to laugh in his face, but instead, she looked…hurt?

"Why did you lie to me?"

"What do you mean?" he asked. Not really sure which lie she was referring to. Lying about being the Doctor or lying about being the man in the painting.

"You said you were twenty-one. Clearly, you are much older if you've been hanging around since then," she pointed to the painting. "And you change your face, don't you?"

Kate scoffed. "Doctor? You told this poor girl you were only twenty-one?"

She turned to Citana. "I'm sorry, but I don't know what happened in this particular regeneration. But the Doctor here is over 1000 years old." She then turned back to the Doctor. "Is this how you go about getting companions now? You take them on and pretend to be their boyfriend?"

John froze.

'Okay, this is not going well,' thought John. Before he could defend himself, Citana spoke.

"I knew it! I knew you weren't twenty-one! I knew you'd be over 900! God, I'm so stupid!" she was pacing now. "It all makes sense now. How could I have missed this?" She was talking to herself.

John turned to Kate. "Give us a mo, please." Kate just rolled her eyes and grumbled something before leaving.

"Citana, please. I…I wasn't lying!"

She stopped and looked at him. "Wasn't lying my ass! Clearly, you were! What were you doing? Wandering the streets of New York trying to get a quick fuck before retreating back to your lonely blue box? Hmm?" she was in his face now.

"NO! I…I lied about…" he leaned in to whisper. "I lied about being the Doctor. I'm… I'm not the Doctor. I really am John Smith, er well, John McClane but, I really am only twenty-one."

Citana still didn't believe him.

"Look, I'm… I'm a clone of a man, well, alien who goes by the name "Doctor." I… it's a bit complicated. I borrowed the TARDIS to have some fun, then I ran into you. Then the TARDIS made me wear these stupid fucking clothes, and now we're here, and I have no fucking clue what I'm doing." He hadn't noticed that he was holding Citana's shoulders with a desperate look in his eyes.

"Jesus, alright. Calm down," said Citana as she composed herself.

John ran his hand through his hair and calmed.

"Look, John, or Doctor. Or whatever. I honestly don't know what to believe, but…given what I know…er, about you. I'm going to choose to believe you."

John's facial features relaxed as he picked Citana up in an awkward hug.

"Oh, god. Thank you, thank you!"

He set her down.

"Right, so this UNIT business. What do we do?" she asked.

John had a wry smile on his face as he looked to Citana. "Ah, yes. Well, we'll do what I always do."

"And that is?" questioned Citana with a wary look on her face.

"We wing it."