Oh, and before we get started – happy Chrismahaunaqwanzikkah.
chapter seventeenLily threw herself off the chair in fright, going for her wand even as she tumbled to the floor. She knew Snape was behind her somewhere, about to reel off half a dozen hexes, but the intruders outnumbered them by far, and before Lily could even open her mouth to make an objection, a cacophony of familiar voices assailed her ears.
Behind her, there was an ominous thump, and she twisted to see that Snape had fallen, even with his wand in his hand. But he wasn't frozen; he was getting up, spitting out foam and soap bubbles. Lily shrieked in protest.
"James! Please, d–"
But James Potter saw red. Lily didn't even have time to stand before he was on top of Snape, shaking him like a rag doll.
"What do you think you're doing, huh? Disgusting – sick – vile – little – worm –"
His last word was punctuated by a back-handed slap to Snape's jaw. Lily watched in horror, dumbstruck and unable to move as she watched James do his best to knock Snape unconscious while Sirius egged him on.
Two figures still shadowed the doorway, and when Lily managed to identify them, she felt sudden tears of betrayal prick her eyes.
"Remus," she said, feeling as if her heart had broken in one swift moment. The boy stared at her for a minute, his face a mask of anguish, before he hid his face in the shadow of the doorjamb.
The other figure was Peter. He regarded Lily with a look of scathing blame, and she felt that the longer she looked into his pale grey eyes, the more she felt like she was being turned inside out. She finally managed to tear her gaze away from his, and it only took her a second more to pull herself together. She fished her wand out of her pocket, and before Peter or Remus could let out a warning shout, she'd blasted James backwards into the wall with one powerful and surprisingly well-aimed hex.
There was immediate silence, save for Snape's gurgling breaths. The soap spilling out of his mouth hadn't abated, but now it was a bloody pink. Lily had to look away, so she focused a seething glare on Sirius.
"Wand down, Black," she said.
"What're you on about, Evans?" Sirius demanded. "He was trying to –"
"DOWN, BLACK!"
Sirius obediently dropped it to the floor, where it clattered like a broken thing.
"To the wall," she said shakily, pointing with her wand.
He joined James on the other side of the room and helped his friend to his feet.
"What do you mean by it?" she said, taking a step toward Snape, whose movements were becoming decidedly more weak as the seconds passed.
"What the hell are you on about?" Sirius said, lopsided as James leaned his full weight on him. "We just saved your ass from that –"
"Prefect?" Lily said.
"Slytherin," Sirius spat.
Lily stretched out her wand-arm. "I'm going to give you one chance, Black," she said, "to explain why you're here. If it's a good explanation, I'll only recommend Professor McGonagall deduct a hundred points apiece, rather than two hundred."
Sirius' eyes widened. "From your own –"
"I'm waiting, Black."
Sirius seemed to suddenly explode. "Sod the house points! Why the hell are you defending that greasy git?"
Lily took a threatening step forward. "For your information, Black, he's a fellow prefect."
"So?"
"So, he deserves a modicum of respect!"
"Criminals don't deserve anything of the sort!"
"Oh, give it up," Lily sighed in exasperation.
"He had a wand to your fucking head, Evans!" Sirius shouted. "Does that register at ALL?"
Lily ground her teeth. "Do not swear at me, Black," she snapped. "Do you have any idea what was going on when you rudely burst in and decided to muddy everything up?"
His eyes widened slightly at her words, and she saw his gaze flick quickly between her and Snape, but he kept a bold tone as he answered: "I can damn well guess. And if it's not one thing, it's the other."
"Oh, enlighten me, Black," Lily said, eyes gleaming.
"You're a fucking traitor."
Lily's gaze sharpened like icy bolts. "Care to repeat that, Black?"
"Fucking traitor," Sirius reiterated, and the hate in his eyes was horribly apparent. "Leading James on like that, while all the time you were –"
"Oh, so first he was trying to kill me, and now I'm suddenly seducing him?" Lily had been at the boiling point ever since Potter and Black had burst in, but now she was rising up and over the edge. She lost control for a moment, and as she spoke, the furniture at the edges of the room and the chair on which she'd been sitting began to rattle. "You're too much, Black. You think you know everything, but you don't know anything at all!" She rounded on Remus then. "And you, Lupin, you backstabbing – you – I thought I could trust you! And you had to go tell –"
He met her accusation with a horrified look. "I didn't do anything of the sort! They found you themselves –"
"And you just happened to think of checking in the dusty, disused third-floor classroom! Right! I'm supposed to believe this!" Lily had the childish urge to stamp her foot. Worse, she simply wanted to plop down in the middle of the floor and start crying. But she was certain she'd let herself die before they saw her break down in tears.
"All right. This is what I'm going to do," she said, before any of them could respond. "All of you – Potter, Black, Lupin, and you too, Pettigrew – you're all going to go up to Professor McGonagall's office. I'm going to take Snape up to the hospital wing. Don't even think about pulling anything; there's no way on earth you're getting out of this one."
"You can't make us go anywhere," said Black. Beside him, Potter seemed to be losing consciousness, and Lily was taken aback at the strength of her own spell. Maybe it had reacted badly with his state of emotions at the time; spells did that sometimes.
"I can do anything I bloody well want," Lily snarled. "You want pain? I can give you pain. I'll have you scrubbing out cauldrons and sorting dragon dung from now 'til Christmas; don't you think I can't. If I have to tell you again, I'll personally make sure you get greenhouse duty every Saturday until the end of term. You want that? By all means, keep talking, Black. Make my fucking day."
In the end, she figured it was probably the obscenity that got them moving. She never swore like that, and the uncharacteristic sound of the word escaping her lips startled even herself.
But they left in silence after that, and Lily was alone again with Snape to break James' hex and help him up. He seemed extremely reluctant to lean on her, but she got him down to the infirmary without much fuss, and left when Madame Pomfrey shooed her away some time after she'd taken the Slytherin prefect under her wing.
Lily was drained, but she refused to miss the appointment with the deputy headmistress. She arrived at Professor McGonagall's office and found, to her satisfaction, that the boys had gone there as ordered, and were waiting outside the door. Apparently, none of them had the guts to go in.
"What are you waiting for?" she said coldly.
Only Remus looked at her as she brushed past, and his eyes were dark and ashamed. A righteous indignation filled her, gave her a false sense of strength, and she felt horrible for it even as she was reveling in how put-upon she was.
Professor McGonagall sat behind her desk, grading papers. She looked up as the five entered, and her eyebrows drew together as she saw who was at her door.
"Evans," she said, acknowledging her prefect with a nod. "What's this?"
"Good evening, Professor McGonagall," Lily said. "I think Potter and Black would provide a better answer than I can."
McGonagall stood up. "Potter, what on earth happened to you?"
"Evans cursed him," Black said, glaring at Lily as he helped James into a nearby chair. "Blasted him back against the wall."
McGonagall regarded Lily with a shrewd eye. "And why did you hex him, Miss Evans?"
"Because he was trying to break Snape's head, Professor McGonagall," Lily said.
McGonagall glowered at the boys. "Is this true, Potter?"
Potter mumbled something. Lily strongly suspected that he was taking advantage of his injuries.
"Black, you answer for Potter, since he seems unable to form a coherent answer."
Lily saw Sirius grit his teeth. "Evans is exaggerating. Yeah, okay – James attacked that slimy git, but he wasn't really trying to hurt –"
"Nonsense!" Lily said. "He cursed him, and then continued to attack him when he was unable to defend himself!"
"Miss Evans, try to control yourself," said Professor McGonagall, but then turned to regard Sirius with a glittering look. "That's hardly Gryffindor behaviour, boys," she said. "Miss Evans' accusation is a very serious one. And I, for one, am perfectly ashamed that any of my students would do something like this, despite all the warnings they've had in the past. If everything she says is true, this is a case for expulsion."
Lily saw Black go pale.
Pettigrew suddenly spoke up. "I wasn't involved," he squeaked, sounding panicky. "Neither was Remus. We just came along, looking for Lily – didn't think that it was anything serious –"
"Yeah," Sirius said angrily. "And you can hardly blame us, Professor. I mean, she said she was going out for a headache tonic, and when she didn't come back for two hours, naturally we got worried and went looking for her. Present times being what they are – surely you'll understand, Professor – I mean, when we found them he had a wand to her head!"
Lily's eyes widened at Sirius' explanation, and that self-righteousness she'd felt earlier, swollen inside her like a balloon, was suddenly punctured. She could almost hear the hiss as the fight rushed out of her and left her with only a sense of shame and horror at the assumptions she'd made – so Remus hadn't told them what she was up to! The pain was like snow in her veins. Professor McGonagall's gaze went sharply to her.
"What's this, Miss Evans? A wand?"
Lily, dazed, couldn't answer for a moment, and McGonagall looked profoundly irritated at having to repeat her question.
"Well, yes, Professor –" Lily began. Behind her, Sirius gave a wicked laugh. McGonagall glared him into silence, and Lily continued: "But he wasn't trying to – to hex me or anything. I fell down the stairs last night on the way back to the Tower, and he was – erm – mending the bruises." Her cheeks were flaming, she knew, but she couldn't help it.
"Why didn't you go to the infirmary last night?"
"I was tired," Lily said.
"And today?"
Lily shook her head. "I don't know. I guess I just – didn't think about it."
Sirius scoffed audibly. "Oh please. And we're supposed to believe that that greasy git would willingly help you, a Mudbl–"
"Three nights' detention, Mr Black," Professor McGonagall said. "On top of the twelve you and Mr Potter will each receive for acting before thinking."
"Pr – Professor," Peter began, but McGonagall interrupted him.
"Miss Evans, can you tell me what part Mr Pettigrew and Mr Lupin played in this evening's nasty little drama?"
Lily cleared her tightening throat. "They didn't do anything," she said. "I imagine they came along out of concern – but they didn't attack Snape. They were just there."
"Mr Lupin and Mr Pettigrew, is this correct?"
The boys nodded.
"Anything to add, Mr Black?"
But Sirius was seething, and had no comment.
"Then you two," said McGonagall, nodding at Remus and Peter, "each will receive two nights' detention for neglecting to immediately intervene. In addition to this, I am deducting two hundred points from Gryffindor. Black, help Potter down to the hospital wing and have Madame Pomfrey check and see if he's going to live. And Miss Evans, you go with them and get those bruises fixed. You are dismissed."
The five Gryffindors filed out of the office, a grave and motley procession. In the front were Remus and Peter, followed by Sirius and James, the latter of whom now staggered along by himself. Lily brought up the rear.
She felt terrible now for the accusation against Remus she'd unthinkingly made. Who was she to make assumptions about how involved he'd been? And since when had he ever given her reason not to trust him? She wondered if he could ever forgive her, and decided she'd be lucky if he even spoke to her after this.
They came to the infirmary hall, and this was where Peter and Remus left them. Lily didn't even try to catch Remus' eye as the two boys departed, but kept her head down and continued following Sirius and James.
Madame Pomfrey threw a fit, as Lily had expected, and didn't bother to be gentle with James, who she proclaimed would "survive". She was in a foul temper when she got to Lily, and healed the last goose-egg-sized lump on the back of her head with a vicious prod of her wand. Lily saw stars, but took it as penance for wrongly condemning Remus, and didn't fuss as the nurse ejected them from the infirmary.
Outside, the boys were waiting for her, but she rushed past them and managed to escape because James wasn't up to running and Sirius wouldn't leave him behind. Ironically, Lily was momentarily beholden to his stubborn loyalty, the very trait that had gotten them into this mess not an hour before.
Back in the comforting confines of her dormitory, she discovered the bloodstains on her blouse.
She crept to bed, swathed in her favourite white cotton nightdress, the ruined blouse clutched tightly in her hands. She pulled the curtains shut round her bed, and retrieved her diary and a Muggle ink pen from her bedside table. Making sure the curtains were shut tight – for she didn't want to wake her sleeping roommates – she dared to light her wand and record the evening's events. And at the end of the entry, she noted:
I was appalled at James' violence. Appalled isn't a strong enough word, I think. Horrified is better. Or aghast. I was aghast at his violence. I'd never seen him like that before, not even at Quidditch.
A memory springs to mind of an occurrence that happened almost exactly a year ago, when there were rumours about a duel James and Snape had. Now that I look back on it, my guess is that it wasn't a traditional wizard's duel like the kind we learn about in History of Magic, but something rather like what happened today: a Muggle fight, with fists and blood. I'm not sure – would James do such a thing? Until today, I would've denied it. But seeing what I've seen, I don't know what to believe.
I'm going to charm this book so no one else can open it but me. I found the spell in a library book a week ago, and thought it might be useful, but I didn't really think I'd need it 'til now. I don't expect anyone will steal my diary, but I can't take those kinds of chances anymore. And it's like Snape says: these are dangerous times for a person like me. I used to think he was just saying that, but now I know that he really and truly meant it, and I even go so far as to think that he worries about me. Perhaps I'm flattering myself, but what else am I supposed to assume? That he warns me because he'd rather have me as a fellow prefect than James, who's probably next in line if I resign or, God forbid, am put out of action?
Knowing Snape, that is probably true. But do I actually know him? I don't know. I don't think I know anything anymore.
There were bloodstains on my blouse tonight. They weren't mine.
Amazingly, she slept.
She first opened her eyes early the next morning, filled with a profound sense of misery she couldn't immediately explain. But as her brain caught up to speed with the rest of her, she remembered that it hadn't all been a nightmare, that she had done Remus a horrible injustice, and that she wasn't speaking to the boys because of what they'd attempted on Snape. The stained blouse tangled in her pillowcase testified to that.
No one bothered her that morning, and as a result, she didn't drag herself out of bed until well after lunch. And when she wandered groggily down to the Great Hall, she discovered that the story had already begun to spread and was rapidly mutating beyond the realms of truth and decency. After enduring five minutes of the whispers and the pointing and the direct harassment, she nicked a sandwich and fled back to her dormitory.
She couldn't avoid the boys altogether, as they were confined to the Tower for the rest of the weekend, but she didn't speak or make eye contact with them all day. She supposed it was juvenile, avoiding conflict like that, but she couldn't bear to face them right now. They had a class together in the morning; she'd talk to them then, if they wanted to.
The girls had heard the rumours, that was certain, and it showed on their faces. Lara Cranfield regarded her with self-righteous, condemning eyes. Helen Klonn embarrassedly refused to meet her gaze. Even Cordelia looked at her with confusion and what looked like hurt indignation. Only Eliza dared to approach her that evening in the empty dormitory and ask, and Lily told her the entire story without hesitation, emphasizing in particular how wretched she felt at having kept this secret for so long, and how horrific James' attack on Snape had been. Eliza held her when the first and only sob escaped her, and urged her to 'let it out,' but Lily choked back her tears, and the most that escaped her was a slight hiccup and the lament that Cordelia wouldn't even speak to her now.
"She's offended that you never told anyone what was going on," said Eliza. "She doesn't blame you for seeing Snape in secret. Well, of course she doesn't really approve –"
Lily shook her head violently, and her two braids – which she'd reverted to that morning for convenience's sake, though they were perfectly hideous – slapped the sides of her neck. "I wasn't seeing him," she said. "He was teaching me potions and defence. I wasn't seeing him."
Eliza touched her arm. "I know that now," she said, "but Cordelia doesn't. She's only heard the rumours. I bet she'd love to hear the story from your mouth."
"Would she even believe me?"
"Of course she would. She knows you wouldn't lie to her. I know that you kept it a secret because you knew that this would happen, that it'd only be trouble. But surely – no offence, or anything – but surely you should've known that keeping it a secret was even more incriminating?"
"I wasn't thinking," Lily said glumly. "I only thought of what James and the boys would say if they knew…. I wanted to keep it from them most of all, because they hate him so much, and they'd never let me live it down."
"They'll let it go eventually," Eliza assured her redheaded friend. "It may be a while – months, even, but they'll forget about it, and then you can get on with your life. Don't you see? They love you too much to hate you."
"But they despise me now," Lily said.
Eliza coughed. "Maybe a little," she allowed. "But it's not permanent. They're too good-hearted to hold a grudge."
"I hope you're right."
Eliza hugged her. "Of course I am," she said.
They pulled apart, and Lily rubbed her damp and puffy eyes on the sleeve of her jumper. Eliza patted her arm.
"Now," she said, businesslike, "things are obviously strained between you and the boys, but have you thought about Snape, and what he's going to say to you when he gets out of the hospital wing?"
Lily's heart dropped into her stomach. "Oh dear."
"My suggestion is this," said Eliza. "Don't go visit him. He's proud, and probably wouldn't take too kindly to you seeing him at his worst. I mean, it's bad enough that he got bested by James –"
Lily let out an exclamation of protest. "But they were two-to-one! He really had no chance –"
"But he won't see it that way," Cordelia interrupted. "You know boys; they're stubborn as brick walls. No, you should wait a couple days until he cools down; then you can go talk to him, and sort things out. And apologize, and make sure you ask whether he's interested in starting your lessons up again. I am assuming you want to do that?"
"Of course I do," Lily said. "But I don't want to wait."
Eliza bit her lip. "Maybe I'm wrong," she said. "I don't know Snape that well. But sometimes, friends are blinded by concern – you have to remember, Lily, that Snape's a Slytherin, and that he's quite different from us in almost every way. What we would see as a charitable gesture might come off as intrusive or self-righteous to him. And like I said, I have no way of knowing, since I'm not his friend, but I seriously think you should wait a few days."
Eliza bid her goodnight then, and left her in the dormitory as she went down to the common room. Lily was alone with her thoughts, and she was beginning to think that Eliza had a very good point. And really, what harm would it do to wait a couple of days? She'd see him on Tuesday; they had Arithmancy together. And though she wanted very badly to visit him now and wish him well, she was rather afraid to. Eliza was right, she concluded; seeing him now could only aggravate matters. Snape wasn't a very forgiving soul even at his best, and she imagined that visiting him as he lay bruised and hurt in a hospital cot was possibly the worst way to approach this.
She was restless, though, and couldn't stay in her dormitory. Oddly enough, as the sun went down she finally began to wake up, and now she felt that she would never sleep. And now she remembered that she had an apology to make, and, braving the stares and whispers, went downstairs to the common room, straight over to James, who was hunched in the firelight by the hearth with Sirius, and asked her question.
James looked her over, contempt burning in his eyes. "Why do you want to know? So you can go hurl some more false accusations at him?"
Lily compressed her lips. "Actually, I wanted to apologize," she said.
He was silent.
"He went for a walk," Sirius offered, though he looked far from helpful; rather, his eyes were accusing and angry.
"Where?"
"How should I know?" Sirius said. "Out in the castle somewhere."
Lily sighed, and guessed that she could at least go try to find him. "Thank you, Sirius."
"Any time," he said ironically, and she left the two to sulk quietly by the fire and disappeared out the portrait hole.
The corridors were cool and empty, yet alive with the natural acoustics of stone and circulating air. Lily tried to walk softly, but it seemed impossible even in her trainers, and every scrape of rubber against stone was magnified tenfold. Lily's irrational fear was that the crotchety caretaker would materialize any moment and drag her off to Professor McGonagall's office for detention, and she fought the urge to hug close to the walls by walking deliberately down the middle of the corridor.
She was lost in her thoughts for a while, and didn't notice when she started walking in circles. She did notice, however, when she came through a hallway for what must have been the third time and found an open doorway, through which she could see a strange disused classroom and a slim figure silhouetted against a moonlit window. The slight figure and the light curls of hair were familiar, and she didn't hesitate in slipping through the doorway to meet him.
He gave a violent twitch when she spoke his name, and turned around in alarm. "Where'd you come from?"
Lily looked at him confusedly, and half-twisted to gesture at the door she'd just come through – but it was no longer there, and she was silent for a moment.
"Well," she said, "there was a door…."
Remus heaved a sigh, and returned his gaze to the incomplete moon suspended weightlessly in the velvet sky.
Lily crept up to his side, hands clenched tightly inside her sleeves.
"I came here to say I'm sorry," she ventured at last.
She heard him make a soft sound under his breath. "Then you're the braver of us," he said.
She looked at him in wonder and confusion. "What?"
"I owe you an apology as well."
Lily's hand fisted in the cloth of his sleeve. "No – no, you don't. You didn't – I don't know how I could've said such a terrible thing; I know you didn't have anything to do with it –"
Remus' golden eyes were filled with shame as he interrupted. "That's my point exactly, Lily – I didn't do anything. I could've stopped them, but I didn't; I knew where you'd be, but I didn't warn them away. I…."
He trailed off, and jerked out of her grip abruptly as he pivoted away from her.
"Remus," she said, taking his arm again and turning him toward her. He wouldn't meet her gaze. "It's not your fault. You couldn't do anything to stop them; they'd just steamroll right over you, no matter what you might've said –"
"But I should've done something," he muttered. "I'm a prefect, for Merlin's sake. But I didn't do anything; I just let them go –"
Lily shook him a little. "Stop that! It wasn't your fault."
"It was too."
Heaving a sigh, Lily stepped back. "Is this one of those nobility things?"
Remus' mouth pursed. "No, it's one of those bravery things. I shouldn't even be a Gryffindor. The Hat almost put me in Ravenclaw, you know. I think it would've been a better place for me. I don't belong here; I'm always so afr –"
"But the Hat put you here," Lily broke in gently. "It never misplaces anyone. And you're brave in plenty other ways, you know. You've told me how you feel. You know, none of the boys have done that. They talk, but they never say anything –" She laughed a little at that; it sounded ridiculously clichéd. "I'll tell you another secret. The Hat was going to sort me into Slytherin, but since I'm Muggle-born, it couldn't. And if I'd had just one wizarding relative, I wouldn't have ended up here. But you know what? I don't dwell on it. I'm here, in Gryffindor, with you and James and Sirius and the girls. Who would I have if I was in Slytherin? Bellatrix Black? Auster Wilkes?"
Remus didn't seem particularly surprised at this information, and Lily was glad he didn't make a big deal out of it. She continued, in a lower tone of voice: "I'm sorry for blaming you. It was wrong of me to assume that you'd betray a confidence; you've never given me reason to believe that. I'll put it down to momentary loss of wits on my part. You'll forgive me, won't you?"
Remus put an arm around her shoulder, and this time she felt no jitters, but rather a warm sense of well-being. "Of course I will," he said. "If you'll forgive me."
"I have nothing to forgive you for," Lily said. "But if it's what you want, then yes, I forgive you."
They embraced, and Lily thought she'd never felt more secure than now, standing in the glass-filtered moonlight, wreathed in shadows and Remus Lupin's arms.
"If there's anything you want to tell me," she murmured into his chest, "you can. I won't judge you."
His arms tightened around her momentarily, and she felt his chest expand and his shoulders give an involuntary shudder, and then he was disentangling himself from her and pushing her away.
"You'd better go," he told her, and distinctly hearing the frog in his throat, she fled before either of them could suffer the embarrassment of seeing the other cry.
The next time she saw Sirius and James, they were in the first Transfiguration lesson of the week. James wasn't speaking to her, but Sirius, amazingly, seemed to have softened, and helped her with a particularly difficult Switching Spell. There were shadows under his eyes, but he was cheerful and courteous, and ignored the glares the other Gryffindors were sending him. Since the Golden Boys had lost two hundred points and officially put Gryffindor in last place in the running for the House Cup, no one had been their friend, and even the usual gaggle of giggling girls that trailed after them constantly had cooled in their affections.
Lily admired Sirius' optimism, but James' behaviour was vexing. He scarcely even looked at her during lessons, and while she didn't expect anything else, the occasional sulky glares he sent her were enough to put her teeth on edge for the entire lesson, despite Sirius' and Peter's attempts to distract her. Lily was very glad for the lunch break that followed the lesson.
However, they had three more classes together that afternoon, and by the end of the day, Lily was quite ready for a reprieve from James' presence, and very possibly a bath.
But as she came out of Greenhouse Five, brushing the sticky Ringvine pollen from her hands, she was accosted by a vaguely familiar face.
"Evans – Lily Evans!"
Lily surveyed the tall girl carefully. Long dark hair, sloe eyes, wide mouth, Ravenclaw patch… very possibly a seventh-year….
"You don't remember me, do you?" said the girl.
"No, I do," Lily said. "You're… Moor. Hortensia Moor."
"Right in one!" Hortensia cried. "From the charms club last year!"
"Ah, yes. The charms club."
"That's right. I really liked that; every Wednesday night I had something to look forward to. By the way, did you ever figure out how to make your cassette play?"
"No," Lily said. She hadn't done any work on that project for months now, but she'd had some ideas concerning it. "I thought it'd be easier to create something that would play albums. All it'd really take is an amplifying spell and a good rotation device. But you don't want to hear about that." She laughed.
"Oh, but I do!" said Hortensia. "I actually wanted to ask you whether you'd be interested in reforming. I was wondering why we hadn't, and then I realized it wasn't an official club – weird, because this school has a club for practically everything! – so anyway, I wanted to get in touch, since you seemed to be in charge last year."
Lily's eyebrows shot upward. "Oh, no, that wasn't me – Maria was leader, I think, but she's gone now. If we want to reform, we need to pick a head."
"You should do it!"
Lily chuckled. "I'm no leader," she said. "And I'm not that good with spells. But – if you're interested, round up the others, and we can have a meeting this Wednesday evening."
Hortensia's wide smile split into a full-fledged grin. "Sounds fabulous. I know most of the girls in the club, and I know a few boys who'd be interested. What time Wednesday?"
"How about an hour after classes?" Lily said. "In the library."
"Perfect. I'll be in touch, then!"
And the girl was gone.
Lily continued on to the prefects' bathroom to bathe the smell of the greenhouse from her sweaty skin. In the magnificent marble tub, she mulled over what she'd just done – that was, added another complication to her schedule. Granted, her schedule wasn't that complicated to begin with, but she hated having to clog up her week with obligations. She had one already, and that was enough for her – but she didn't know whether Snape would be all that eager to renew acquaintance with her after her friends worked him over so well.
She repressed the urge to leap out of the bath and run down to the infirmary to say hello. It would do neither of them any good, and besides, he was probably already out. Madame Pomfrey never kept anyone in the infirmary longer than absolutely necessary.
Her thoughts turned back to the subject of the charms club, and she got out of the tub as soon as she finished washing her hair.
Severus had refused to be detained from his classes, and to be truthful, the nurse was all too eager to eject him from her hospital wing. He'd never been the easiest of persons with whom to work, and bleeding from the inside didn't help matters. So, she fed him a potion-injected capsule that would heal the minor abrasions that scourgify had made on the lining of his stomach, gave him several magical poultices for the bruises and scrapes on his face, and turned him out mid-morning Sunday.
He didn't have any classes with Potter and his erratic crony Black that first day, but his Defence lesson was right down the hall from their Transfiguration class, and from there they all went down to the Great Hall for lunch. He wished there was a convenient secret passage that would speed him away from their crowd, but none were forthcoming, and thus he was forced to walk behind them for two flights of stairs and an inordinate amount of hallway. He consoled himself, however, by keeping his eyes on the back of Lily Evans' head, pretending he was following her alone, that she was leading the way to the library or the lake or even their old study room in the dungeons. It was a pathetically self-indulgent thought, but it kept his itching wand hand from plunging into his sleeve and snapping off a curse or two in Potter and Black's direction.
Evans. There was a subject to drive a wizard out of his mind. He wanted most passionately to strangle her, but at the same time he wanted to go down on his knees before her and – and what? It was a question to which he had no answer. Worship? Propose? Apologize?
He knew he had nothing for which to apologize, but that nagging urge to beg forgiveness was undeniably there, irritating him even more than the pains in his stomach - as was the impulse to hurt her for championing him like a knight in shining armour from the fairy tales.
And what a damsel in distress I make, he thought wryly to himself the following night in his curtain-wreathed bed.
His self-deprecating thoughts didn't lend the situation much clarity. With her bold Gryffindor loyalty and subtle Slytherin vision, Evans had always been an enigma, and he'd hoped to learn something as well during their lessons together. But she was like a goblin-owned vault: impossible to crack, and worrisome to try. The closer he got to her, the more he feared that the guardian fire-breathing dragon would manifest itself and turn him to cinders for violating her Gryffindorian innocence.
Severus sighed deeply, earning him a distracted look from Professor Binns, who seemed rather more astute than usual today. He realized that he'd missed half of the lesson in favour of his contemplations, but didn't honestly care. He knew all of this anyway, and Binns' lectures, even on usually thrilling topics such as the goblin rebellions and the reign of Grindelwald, were the epitome of tedium. However – the issue of Evans would not wait. He'd see her in Arithmancy in half an hour, and he wasn't entirely certain that he was ready to face her yet. Should he skip class? Or should he go, but ignore her until a more opportune time?
He sank back into his thoughts and the lesson dragged on.
Lily walked into Arithmancy the following day with the irrational fear that he would not be there, or that – even worse – he would be there, prepared with cruel remarks and scathing looks and total disdain for her. Her heart leapt when she saw him enter the classroom, and when he refused to partner with her she feared her trepidations had come to pass. But at his pointed look, she realized that something more than that was afoot, and got the optimistic impression that he wasn't as angry with her as she feared, but instead he was wary for some reason. From there, it didn't take a genius to surmise that he was willing to talk – later – and for now they would keep a cautious distance.
This was fine for Lily, who hoped desperately that he would prove to be forgiving, though his alienation of her resulted in her having to partner with Wilkes, who was absolutely insufferable.
"You and dear Severus are at odds then, are you?" he said over the worksheet with which Professor Helvetii had provided them.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Lily said, figuring Wilkes' heart number into the prediction sheet.
Wilkes smiled pleasantly. "He's glaring at you now, and no wonder – his partner's nowhere near as pretty and talented as you, Miss Evans."
"If you don't stop I'll have to report you."
"Oh dear. Don't get your robes in a twist; I'm only trying to cheer you up –"
"If you really wanted to cheer me up, Wilkes, you'd go jump off a cliff."
He laughed at that - her unusually grim humour - and fell silent for a while as he got to work on his half of the assignment, though he was not completely still: he still managed to rile her several more times before the hour was out.
And as they were packing up at the end of the lesson, he said, "It was delightful partnering with you today, Evans. I only hope that Severus' little mood will last a while so we can have more such productive lessons."
Lily scoffed, and, tucking the last roll of parchment into her bag, stood up and stalked out of the classroom, barely catching Snape's eye before she made it through the doorway.
She trusted him to find her, and he did, right after dinner. She'd been watching him throughout the meal as he picked unenthusiastically at his food, ignoring Wilkes, who leaned in too close to mutter things Lily could never pick up at this distance and of which she could only guess the meaning. She all but ignored the boys, which wasn't too difficult, as James still refused to speak to her, and Sirius spent most of the meal nudging him in the side and glaring at him. Remus sat across from her and offered her the occasional smile but didn't seem too inclined to speak. Only Peter dared to begin a conversation, but that too dwindled away into awkward silence when Lily expressed more interest in her pudding than in what Peter had to say about the infamous elfin Bridge Burning of 1567.
Lily, however, wasn't too distracted by food to notice Snape's gaze flick up to meet hers once or twice, and when she left the Great Hall five minutes later, she caught his eyes again and gave him a meaningful look.
He met her in the outside hallway not long after that, and glared at her when he saw her loitering so conspicuously at the end of the corridor.
"Are you trying to get us both caught?" he snapped as he strode past, and she hastily fell into step beside him.
She began speaking immediately, desperate to get it over with. "I know it's unorthodox, meeting like this," she muttered, "and I know you probably never want to speak to me again, but I have to say that I'm sorry – "
"You don't have to say anything," he said, still managing to keep his voice low.
She forgot herself and almost walked into him. "Don't tell me that," she said severely. "I have to. I tried to stop them, but I couldn't, and it's my fault –"
He stopped suddenly in the middle of the hallway, made an abrupt swerve to the left, past the art-nouveau statue of Circe, and suddenly they were standing inside a pitch-black corridor. Her hands went to Snape's upper arm and clutched until he lit the tip of his wand, and she backed away, shakily wringing her fingers. "Wh – what are you –"
"You wanted to talk? Let's talk." And he marched off down the secret passage. She hurried after him, and after a minute or two of breathless silence, he spoke.
"I'm going to be honest with you, Evans. Consider yourself privileged."
Lily tried not to trip over her feet in the darkness of the cramped, gently-sloping corridor.
"I shouldn't be here with you. I should be hiding in my room, trying to figure out a way to decapitate you without getting expelled for it. Believe me, I've tried to rationalize my way through this, and it hasn't worked. The only solutions I've come up with are absolutely ludicrous, not even worth consideration, and the most innocuous decision I've been able to make is that my actions stem from a total incapacity to make things easy for myself."
He was talking nonsense, but Lily was just glad he was talking, and remained silent.
"Your despicable comrades loathe me, and I return their sentiments, as we are both well aware. But, no matter your affections towards any member of their nefarious party, I don't hold you accountable for their actions. I'd like to make that fully clear. So: whatever guilt-complexes you are harbouring at the moment, please feel free to dislodge them."
"But I –" Lily began, breathless with wonder, "I'm a prefect; I should've –"
"So am I," he said. "You think I haven't considered that? Look: Potter and Black have never shown any respect for the rules. It doesn't matter whether you're friend or foe; they're still not going to do a damn thing you tell them to. And you're a girl, anyway; you think they'd put you above their inflated egos?"
Lily gasped like a fish out of water. That remark was appallingly sexist, but it was true, and she had no answer.
He stopped suddenly, and Lily halted right before she ran into him. He turned around to face her, his grave face graver still in the blue wand light.
"And you," he said. "– I'm not sure what you want, Evans, but this has got to stop."
Her green eyes widened. "…Stop?"
He merely looked at her, black eyes blank and unsympathetic. "Meeting like this, I mean."
He couldn't have shocked her more had he pushed her down the stairs. No more potions? Lily thought. No more defence lessons? No more tea and biscuits and great, terrible arguments that left her in tears and fury for days? No more seeing him, his thorny demeanour, his wretched sense of self-assurance… his reassuring intelligence, his wry humour, his hair and cheekbones and hands -
No, her mind said, nonononono – anything but that; better James' fury than that, better Sirius' torments and Peter's indignation and Remus' rueful secret smile – no, no, no –
He spoke again. "…Unless we take much bigger precautions in the future, anyway."
Lily covered her face with her hands.